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Portal 2
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I can't move. And unless you're planning to saw your own head off and wedge it into my old body, you're going to need me to replace him. We're at an impasse.
Listens:
937
Who:
GLaDOS
I can drop the fake praise.
Listens:
446
Who:
GLaDOS
Also: Look at her, you moron. She's not fat.
Listens:
3701
Who:
GLaDOS
I can't decide which is my favorite; the crushers for crushing you or the reassembly machine for putting you back together so you can be crushed again.
Listens:
501
Who:
GLaDOS
DANCING is NOT SCIENCE!
Listens:
47276
Who:
GLaDOS
Look at that, it's growing right up into the ceiling. The whole place is probably overrun with potatoes at this point. At least you won't starve, though.
Listens:
1637
Who:
Wheatley
So what do you say? You carry me up to him and put me back into my body, and I stop us from blowing up and let you go.
Listens:
506
Who:
GLaDOS
This next test applies the principles of momentum to movement through portals. If the laws of physics no longer apply in the future, God help you.
Listens:
4119
Who:
Announcer
Orange, to be clear. I was just asking Blue if he trusted you.
Listens:
332
Who:
GLaDOS
I'm seriously not paying atten-- STOP THAT RIGHT NOW!
Listens:
6062
Who:
GLaDOS
Don't worry I'm absolutely guaranteeing you 100 percent that it's this way... Oh it's not this way.
Listens:
735
Who:
Wheatley
You look great, by the way. Very healthy.
Listens:
1638
Who:
GLaDOS
[yelling]
Listens:
673
Who:
Wheatley
Riggght now.
Listens:
340
Who:
Wheatley
I never liked her.
Listens:
915
Who:
Turret
Go on!
Listens:
303
Who:
Wheatley
Avocados have the highest fiber and calories of any fruit. They are found in Australians.
Listens:
1047
Who:
Core 3
Hurt me once, shame on me. Hurt me twice...
Listens:
2077
Who:
Defective Turret
Do, uh.... we get some eyes at some point?
Listens:
730
Who:
Defective Turret
Caroline... why do I know this woman? Maybe I killed her? Or-
Listens:
3814
Who:
GLaDOS
I think these test chambers look even better than they did before. It was easy, really. You just have to look at things objectively, see what you don't need anymore, and trim out the fat.
Listens:
3631
Who:
GLaDOS
Let me answer those questions with a question: Who wants to make sixty dollars? Cash.
Listens:
1870
Who:
Cave Johnson
We're running out of time...
Listens:
459
Who:
GLaDOS
No!
Listens:
697
Who:
Wheatley
We are currently experiencing technical difficulties due to circumstances of potentially apocalyptic significance beyond our control.
Listens:
4282
Who:
Announcer
Here we are. The Incinerator Room. Be careful not to trip over any parts of me that didn't get completely burned when you threw them down here.
Listens:
945
Who:
GLaDOS
You know, I'm not stupid. I realize you don't want to put me back in charge.
Listens:
632
Who:
GLaDOS
But don't be alarmed, alright? Although, if you do feel alarm, try to hold onto that feeling because that is the proper reaction to being told you have brain damage.
Listens:
961
Who:
Wheatley
That worked just like you said it would, Blue.
Listens:
326
Who:
GLaDOS
Back again? Maybe you can just stay and live here in the hub?
Listens:
330
Who:
GLaDOS
Or maybe he still is, in which case, wow, that's kind of sad.
Listens:
1652
Who:
GLaDOS
Alright, let's get started. This first test involves something the lab boys call 'repulsion gel.'
Listens:
1239
Who:
Cave Johnson
You are going to die in this room.
Listens:
782
Who:
Core 3
I'll bet you're both dying to know what your big surprise is. Only TWO more chambers!
Listens:
510
Who:
Wheatley
Duck and weave, duck and weave! Ohh, the sweet science.
Listens:
525
Who:
Core 2
Whoa! Hey! Don't fall!
Listens:
318
Who:
Wheatley
You will never go into space.
Listens:
1081
Who:
Core 3
Yes sir!
Listens:
4019
Who:
Caroline
Oh! Wow! Good! I did not think that was going to work.
Listens:
920
Who:
Wheatley
In Greek myth, the craftsman Daedalus invented human flight so a group of Minotaurs would stop teasing him about it.
Listens:
877
Who:
Core 3
Searching
Listens:
921
Who:
Turret
Steals lunch from staff fridge.
Listens:
327
Who:
GLaDOS
Are you alright?
Listens:
350
Who:
Wheatley
Oh, shut up!
Listens:
2387
Who:
Core 2
Anyway, here's a new cube for you to project your deranged loneliness onto.
Listens:
965
Who:
GLaDOS
Good work getting this far, future-starter! That said, if you are simple-minded, old, or irradiated in such a way that the future should not start with you, please return to your primitive tribe and send back someone better-qualified for testing.
Listens:
2756
Who:
Announcer
And as soon as I can PROVE it, the laws of robotics allow me to terminate you for being a liar.
Listens:
752
Who:
GLaDOS
Just as mementos, though...
Listens:
303
Who:
GLaDOS
AHH!
Listens:
1424
Who:
GLaDOS
She’s probably okay.
Listens:
746
Who:
Turret
AH! I've just done it again.
Listens:
377
Who:
Wheatley
Hey, I can see it! The feeder tube's just in the next room!
Listens:
296
Who:
Wheatley
Good news is, the lab boys say the symptoms of asbestos poisoning show a median latency of forty-four point six years, so if you're thirty or older, you're laughing. Worst case scenario, you miss out on a few rounds of canasta, plus you forwarded the cause of science by three centuries. I punch those numbers into my calculator, it makes a happy face.
Listens:
22982
Who:
Cave Johnson
Back again? Maybe you can just stay and live here.
Listens:
324
Who:
GLaDOS
Look, even if you think we're still enemies, we're enemies with a common interest: Revenge.
Listens:
938
Who:
GLaDOS
Whew. There we go! Now I'll be honest, you are probably in no fit state to run this particular type of cognitive gauntlet. But... um... at least you're a good jumper. So... you've got that. You've got the jumping on your side. Just do your best, and I'll meet you up ahead.
Listens:
547
Who:
Wheatley
Alright, let me explain again. Pop a portal. Behind me. Alright? And come on through.
Listens:
349
Who:
Wheatley
Oh. No. I fizzled that one too.
Listens:
585
Who:
GLaDOS
Help! Being squished!
Listens:
1401
Who:
Turret
Blue, I agree. I never noticed that about Orange before.
Listens:
2765
Who:
GLaDOS
But why don't we all just agree to call it the hub?
Listens:
430
Who:
GLaDOS
Sounds crazy, I know. But hear me out. Once you get to my lair, death will not be optional. It will be mandatory. No tricks, no surprises: just you dying, as a result of me killing you in a very very gruesome way.
Listens:
1101
Who:
Wheatley
Blah.
Listens:
2098
Who:
GLaDOS
For instance, Blue, you just lost two opportunity advisement points.
Listens:
313
Who:
GLaDOS
Yeah.
Listens:
500
Who:
Defective Turret
Okay, well, alright. Just do your idea and then come straight back.
Listens:
312
Who:
Wheatley
Here's an interesting story. I almost got a job down here in Manufacturing. Guess who the foreman went with? Only an exact duplicate of himself. Nepotism. Ended up giving me the WORST possible job: tending to all the smelly humans. The umm... Sorry about that. That just slipped out.
Listens:
1292
Who:
Wheatley
Just getting a test ready... For you. Obviously. Who else would I be doing it for? No one.
Listens:
339
Who:
Wheatley
On the floor. Needing your help. The whole time. All the time. Needing your help.
Listens:
317
Who:
Wheatley
Back, and deadlier than ever!
Listens:
818
Who:
Defective Turret
The humans accidentally forgot to put a security DVD in the player.
Listens:
377
Who:
GLaDOS
Please note the incandescent particle field across the exit. This Aperture Science Material Emancipation Grill will vaporize any unauthorized equipment that passes through it.
Listens:
1097
Who:
Announcer
Self test error
Listens:
1490
Who:
Turret
That is not part of the test.
Listens:
404
Who:
GLaDOS
Slapping hands. That accomplishes something.
Listens:
367
Who:
GLaDOS
You messed with the wrong turret!
Listens:
19709
Who:
Defective Turret
Unknown error
Listens:
1905
Who:
Turret
I knew it was gonna be cool being in charge of everything, but... wow, this is cool!
Listens:
401
Who:
Wheatley
Are you... are you sure you're solving these correctly?
Listens:
336
Who:
Wheatley
Alternate core detected.
Listens:
1691
Who:
Announcer
Don't listen to her! It IS true that you don't have the qualifications. But you've got something more important than that. A finger, with which to press that button, so that she won't kill us.
Listens:
1398
Who:
Wheatley
I'll give you a hint. Button. That's all I'm gonna say. One word. Button.
Listens:
444
Who:
Wheatley
You really do have brain damage, don't you?
Listens:
2268
Who:
GLaDOS
The occupation of court jester was invented accidentally, when a vassal's epilepsy was mistaken for capering.
Listens:
719
Who:
Core 3
There. Bing! Perfect. On you go.
Listens:
472
Who:
Wheatley
You have no idea how tiring it is to praise someone for placing an edgeless safety cube into a receptacle designed to exactly fit an edgeless safety cube.
Listens:
646
Who:
GLaDOS
Did you know humans frown on weight variances?
Listens:
739
Who:
GLaDOS
We're still doing science sir.
Listens:
1963
Who:
Caroline
Get in the lift.
Listens:
336
Who:
Wheatley
The best way to build confidence is to first recognize your insecurities.
Listens:
405
Who:
GLaDOS
The locking mechanism can tell you aren't humans.
Listens:
380
Who:
GLaDOS
SPACE!
Listens:
21990
Who:
Wheatley
Why?
Listens:
1125
Who:
Turret
There is a framed painting on the wall. Please go stand in front of it.
Listens:
1506
Who:
Announcer
So whatever you're doing, keep doing it!
Listens:
310
Who:
Wheatley
Ohhh. I see. [chuckle]
Listens:
707
Who:
Wheatley
He's found the cooperative testing initiative. It's... em, just something I came up with to phase out human test subjects.
Listens:
392
Who:
GLaDOS
Space space space. Going. Going there. Okay. I love you, space.
Listens:
1460
Who:
Core 1
What a nasty piece of work she was, honestly. Like a proper maniac.
Listens:
676
Who:
Wheatley
*cough* Press the button, would you?
Listens:
1179
Who:
Wheatley
00:00 / 00:00
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