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Welcome, gentlemen, to Aperture Science. Astronauts, war heroes, Olympians--you're here because we want the best, and you are it. So: Who is ready to make some science?
Listens:
4371
Who:
Cave Johnson
Are you trying to impress me? What would impress me more is if you never did that again.
Listens:
507
Who:
GLaDOS
I am sure it happened by accident, but why don't you put it back in the player?
Listens:
331
Who:
GLaDOS
Well done. Here come the test results: You are a horrible person. I'm serious, that's what it says: A horrible person. We weren't even testing for that.
Listens:
77421
Who:
GLaDOS
Don't let that 'horrible person' thing discourage you. It's just a data point. If it makes you feel any better, science has now validated your birth mother's decision to abandon you on a doorstep.
Listens:
6511
Who:
GLaDOS
Are you broken? It looks like you're malfunctioning.
Listens:
681
Who:
GLaDOS
Let's look at their files...
Listens:
469
Who:
GLaDOS
Yes, thanks. We get it.
Listens:
582
Who:
GLaDOS
I need backup!
Listens:
716
Who:
Turret
THREE! That's high. It's TOO high, isn't it, really, that--
Listens:
580
Who:
Wheatley
Cellular phones will not give you cancer. Only hepatitis.
Listens:
1310
Who:
Core 3
Going for it yourself, huh? All right, angel. I'll do what I can to cover you.
Listens:
588
Who:
Core 2
Sorry to interject again, but if you do NOT push the button the deadly neurotoxin emitters will come back online, at which point she will most likely fill you to brimming with neurotoxin. Not trying to rush you. Just throwing that out for leisurely digestion in your own time.
Listens:
937
Who:
Wheatley
And another thing! You never caught me. I told you I could die falling off that rail. And you didn't catch me. You didn't even try. Oh, it's all becoming clear to me now. Find some dupe to break you out of cryosleep. Give him a sob story about escaping to the surface. Squeeze him for information on where to find a portal gun.
Listens:
4302
Who:
Wheatley
Follow me! You're gonna love this.
Listens:
427
Who:
Wheatley
I didn't mean to make you feel bad earlier about your tests not being real science. I guess finding out they weren't science was some sort of test in and of itself.
Listens:
338
Who:
GLaDOS
SOLVE IT! Commanding voice...
Listens:
789
Who:
Wheatley
I'm kidding.
Listens:
903
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello?
Listens:
6248
Who:
Turret
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
2583
Who:
GLaDOS
I just hate Blue a little more.
Listens:
428
Who:
GLaDOS
Agggh, not again!
Listens:
571
Who:
Defective Turret
According to Norse legend, thunder god Thor's chariot was pulled across the sky by two goats.
Listens:
820
Who:
Core 3
You don't have to test with the garbage. It's garbage.
Listens:
582
Who:
GLaDOS
Gonna be in space.
Listens:
1002
Who:
Core 1
Oh, it's a core you've put on me! Who told you to do that? Was it her? [as if he's looking around] It's just making me stronger, luv! It's a fool's errand!
Listens:
2782
Who:
Wheatley
I know you like to think the reassembly machine is at your beck and call, but he has a life you know. He's not your slave.
Listens:
345
Who:
GLaDOS
Simple word. 'Apple'.
Listens:
627
Who:
Wheatley
Do it!
Listens:
497
Who:
Wheatley
Orange just taught blue a valuable lesson in trust. For that, orange receives 17 science collaboration points.
Listens:
524
Who:
GLaDOS
Don't make eye contact whatever you do...
Listens:
344
Who:
Wheatley
Fifty thousand years is a lot of time to think. About me. About you. We were doing so well together.
Listens:
775
Who:
GLaDOS
Hopeless. Just hopeless.
Listens:
482
Who:
GLaDOS
clickclickclick
Listens:
875
Who:
Defective Turret
Don't do it.
Listens:
686
Who:
GLaDOS
Well, I tried. Best of luck!
Listens:
507
Who:
Defective Turret
[yelling]
Listens:
643
Who:
Wheatley
Crap!
Listens:
1070
Who:
Defective Turret
Can't... see it anywhere. Tell you what, plug me in and I'll turn the lights on.
Listens:
312
Who:
Wheatley
What a horrible little machine.
Listens:
611
Who:
GLaDOS
Breathes with mouth open.
Listens:
315
Who:
GLaDOS
Humans! That's what you look like right now.
Listens:
470
Who:
GLaDOS
This is just a thought experiment, just to see how much time you'll waste thinking about these worthless documents. The correct time is zero seconds.
Listens:
511
Who:
GLaDOS
Hah! It bloody worked! I hacked it! Hacked. Properly. Properly hacked. Ha ha ha!
Listens:
1266
Who:
Wheatley
clickclickclick
Listens:
497
Who:
Defective Turret
And again, not playing along. You're ruining what are some really good speeches, actually.
Listens:
449
Who:
Wheatley
Did you know we originally used these cameras to capture moments of intense pain and agony in test subjects?
Listens:
321
Who:
GLaDOS
Otherwise, I'm afraid you're about to become the immediate past president of the Being Alive club. Ha ha.
Listens:
3770
Who:
GLaDOS
Woah! Where are we? How long have I been out?
Listens:
670
Who:
GLaDOS
Blue, is there something you would like to say?
Listens:
327
Who:
GLaDOS
Man, that clock is moving fast. And you are beautiful. Always time to compliment a pretty lady. All right, back to work. Let's do this.
Listens:
749
Who:
Core 2
Yay, Blue is back. Testing can continue.
Listens:
733
Who:
GLaDOS
Charmless.
Listens:
295
Who:
GLaDOS
Orange is first to acquire a Portal Device.
Listens:
638
Who:
GLaDOS
Plug me in, plug me in!
Listens:
306
Who:
Wheatley
Watching you try to sabotage one other, I'm amazed you're still on friendly terms.
Listens:
317
Who:
GLaDOS
The human vault is just past that opening. I entered the security code but the vault door remains locked. I am going to need you to activate the manual locks on the vault door itself.
Listens:
804
Who:
GLaDOS
Annnnd we're back!
Listens:
898
Who:
Defective Turret
You know when I mentioned ten minutes? A little bit optimistic!
Listens:
306
Who:
Wheatley
You've still got to get through the door. Please. Need to get through that door there.
Listens:
301
Who:
Wheatley
I'm sorry. The arrows seem to have rusted off. Good luck.
Listens:
906
Who:
GLaDOS
To initiate a core transfer, please deposit substitute core in receptacle.
Listens:
1346
Who:
Announcer
Oh, this is ridiculous!
Listens:
582
Who:
Defective Turret
BLUE, please show me where you would like me to place a portal.
Listens:
357
Who:
GLaDOS
But you two have become quite the team. Extremely close.
Listens:
388
Who:
GLaDOS
No. No. That was the solution. Rrrg! What am I missing?
Listens:
350
Who:
Wheatley
A...A...A...A...A... Umm... A.
Listens:
435
Who:
Wheatley
Again, those are science collaboration points, which you should not confuse with points from competitions such as Who-Gets-To-Live-At-The-End-And-Who-Doesn’t. I mean basketball.
Listens:
1431
Who:
GLaDOS
Okay, DON'T PANIC! I can still stop it, not a problem. There's a password! I'll just hack it. Here we go.
Listens:
996
Who:
Wheatley
Your test assignment will vary, depending on the manner in which you have bent the world to your will.
Listens:
1006
Who:
Cave Johnson
This course was originally designed to build confidence in humans.
Listens:
342
Who:
GLaDOS
Blue, orange isn't a human. The lesson on trust only needs to be taught once. Blue is penalized 1 science collaboration point.
Listens:
352
Who:
GLaDOS
Do NOT plug that little idiot into MY mainframe.
Listens:
1904
Who:
GLaDOS
Go on. Get a big fat eyeful. With your big fat eyes.
Listens:
2453
Who:
GLaDOS
Well played.
Listens:
462
Who:
Defective Turret
I KNOW, Jerry. No, I'm on BREAK, mate. On a break.
Listens:
584
Who:
Wheatley
Corrupted Core: are you ready to start?
Listens:
2755
Who:
Announcer
You seem to have defeated its load-bearing capacity. Well done. I'll just lower the ceiling.
Listens:
552
Who:
GLaDOS
Calibrating Orange's weight...
Listens:
312
Who:
GLaDOS
[clap clap clap]
Listens:
135353
Who:
GLaDOS
He's not just a regular moron. He's the product of the greatest minds of a generation working together with the express purpose of building the dumbest moron who ever lived. And you just put him in charge of the entire facility.
Listens:
29940
Who:
GLaDOS
You know, being Caroline taught me a valuable lesson. I thought you were my greatest enemy. When all along you were my best friend.
Listens:
1851
Who:
GLaDOS
While I was out investigating, I found a fascinating new test element. It's never been used for human testing because, apparently, contact with it causes heart failure. The literature doesn't mention anything about lump-of-coal failure, though, so you should be fine.
Listens:
1008
Who:
GLaDOS
Orange did what? Are you sure?
Listens:
1110
Who:
GLaDOS
If your confidence is still not high enough remember no one was created perfect.
Listens:
336
Who:
GLaDOS
Come on, stop muckin' around! Plug me in!
Listens:
297
Who:
Wheatley
Yeah!
Listens:
801
Who:
GLaDOS
In order to ensure that sufficient power remains for core testing protocols, all safety devices have been disabled.
Listens:
498
Who:
GLaDOS
Still. It's a better plan than exploding. Marginally.
Listens:
337
Who:
GLaDOS
The value of Pi is the ratio of any circle's circumference to its diameter in Euclidean space.
Listens:
801
Who:
Core 3
Go on.
Listens:
359
Who:
Wheatley
There's the exit! We're almost out of here!
Listens:
301
Who:
Wheatley
Oh no, you've got it, you've got it! Yes! Put him in there! Let's see how this place likes a crap turret.
Listens:
510
Who:
Wheatley
Warning, sphere corruption at twenty-- rats cannot throw up.
Listens:
2673
Who:
Core 3
Oh my god. What has he done to this place?
Listens:
1589
Who:
GLaDOS
It is incorrectly noted that Thomas Edison invented 'push-ups' in 1878. Nikolai Tesla had in fact patented the activity three years earlier, under the name 'Tesla-cize.'
Listens:
1576
Who:
Core 3
Antisocial.
Listens:
292
Who:
GLaDOS
I'll meet you on the other side!
Listens:
303
Who:
Wheatley
If you can't complete this course, those humans will die. Do you want that?
Listens:
350
Who:
GLaDOS
Timid.
Listens:
318
Who:
GLaDOS
00:00 / 00:00
Test Player
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