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BECAUSE I'M A POTATO.
Listens:
776301
Who:
GLaDOS
Ha! I like your style. You make up your own rules, just like me.
Listens:
654865
Who:
Cave Johnson
SPAAACCCCCE!
Listens:
589543
Who:
Core 1
Dad! I'm in space! [low-pitched 'space' voice] I'm proud of you, son. [normal voice] Dad, are you space? [low-pitched 'space' voice] Yes. Now we are a family again.
Listens:
463480
Who:
Core 1
Ohmygodohmygodohmygod! I'm in space!
Listens:
376794
Who:
Core 1
[beep] Sarcasm Self Test complete. [beep]
Listens:
315116
Who:
Announcer
What's your favorite thing about space? Mine is space.
Listens:
215106
Who:
Core 1
Um. You've got a yacht. And... Boys! Loads of fellas. Hunky guys down there. Possibly even a boyfriend! Who's to say at this stage. But, a lot of good looking fellas down there. And, ah, a boy band as well! That haven't seen a woman in years. And they're not picky at all. They don't care if you've got a bit of brain damage. If you've been running around sweating. And... A farm! A pony farm! And... Just jump down, would ya?
Listens:
193249
Who:
Wheatley
Like the potato!
Listens:
188139
Who:
Defective Turret
A, A, A, A, A, A. [NNNT!] No. A, A, A, A, A, B. [NNNT!] Hold on, I've done both of these. Skip ahead. A, B, C... D, G, H.[DING!]
Listens:
175780
Who:
Wheatley
Demand to see life's manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I'm the man who's going to burn your house down! With the lemons! I'm going to get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!
Listens:
154559
Who:
Cave Johnson
[clap clap clap]
Listens:
136625
Who:
GLaDOS
All right, I've been thinking. When life gives you lemons? Don't make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! 'I don't want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?'
Listens:
127009
Who:
Cave Johnson
Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-action and adventure-dunna-dunna-na-dunna-na-playing by our own rules-nanana-hanging by our fingers from a mountain-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun...
Listens:
114313
Who:
Core 2
Did you ever stop to think that eventually there’s a point where your name gets mentioned for the very last time. Well, here it is: I’m going to kill you, Chell.
Listens:
111095
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello! This is the part where I kill you.
Listens:
110615
Who:
Wheatley
BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD
Listens:
107468
Who:
Wheatley
Space.
Listens:
103968
Who:
Core 1
Hey, nice potato!
Listens:
101722
Who:
Defective Turret
Lawl
Listens:
89965
Who:
Turret
You know what my days used to be like? I just tested. Nobody murdered me. Or put me in a potato. Or fed me to birds. I had a pretty good life.
Listens:
87465
Who:
GLaDOS
This next test is very dangerous. To help you remain tranquil in the face of almost certain death, smooth jazz will be deployed in three. Two. One. [SMOOTH JAZZ]
Listens:
81352
Who:
Announcer
Well done. Here come the test results: You are a horrible person. I'm serious, that's what it says: A horrible person. We weren't even testing for that.
Listens:
78141
Who:
GLaDOS
No! NO! NO! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
Listens:
74403
Who:
GLaDOS
Nonononononono!
Listens:
74086
Who:
GLaDOS
So... this cat loves lasagna so much that he eats all of the lasagna in his house. Okay, apparently it's not the cat's house or his lasagna. Oh good! The man who owns the lasagna is furious!
Listens:
70922
Who:
GLaDOS
I'm different...
Listens:
70318
Who:
Turret
Are you still there?
Listens:
59002
Who:
Turret
Oh, good. My slow clap processor made it into this thing. So we have that.
Listens:
56213
Who:
GLaDOS
Hmm. This Plate must not be calibrated to someone of your... generous... ness. I'll add a few zeros to the maximum weight.
Listens:
54547
Who:
GLaDOS
SPAAACE!
Listens:
52234
Who:
Core 1
This next test... [boom!] ..is... [BOOM!] dangerous. I'll be right back.
Listens:
51305
Who:
GLaDOS
Science isn't about WHY. It's about WHY NOT. Why is so much of our science dangerous? Why not marry safe science if you love it so much. In fact, why not invent a special safety door that won't hit you on the butt on the way out, because you are fired.
Listens:
50809
Who:
Cave Johnson
It's been a long time. How have you been?
Listens:
48364
Who:
GLaDOS
Okay, fine. Let's all act like humans. 'Look at me. Boy, do I love sweating. Let's convert beef and leaves into energy and excrete them later and go shopping.'
Listens:
47187
Who:
GLaDOS
DANCING is NOT SCIENCE!
Listens:
47016
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh... It's you.
Listens:
46786
Who:
GLaDOS
Prometheus was punished by the gods for giving the gift of knowledge to man. He was cast into the bowels of the earth and pecked by birds.
Listens:
45091
Who:
Turret
You really are doing great... Chell.
Listens:
43473
Who:
GLaDOS
[laugh]
Listens:
41534
Who:
Cave Johnson
But I'm huge! [laugh turning to maniacal laugh]
Listens:
39265
Who:
Wheatley
Yeah, take the lemons...
Listens:
38695
Who:
GLaDOS
Agh! Bird! Bird! Kill it! It's evil!
Listens:
38446
Who:
GLaDOS
Did you know that people with guilty consciences are more easily startled by loud noises--[train horn]--
Listens:
36463
Who:
GLaDOS
Space. Trial. Puttin' the system on trial. In space. Space system. On trial. Guilty. Of being in space! Going to space jail!
Listens:
35849
Who:
Core 1
Federal regulations require me to warn you that this next test chamber... is looking pretty good.
Listens:
35385
Who:
GLaDOS
Get mad!
Listens:
35145
Who:
Turret
*cough* PRESS THE BUTTON.
Listens:
35053
Who:
Wheatley
Why do I hate you so much? You ever wonder that? I'm brilliant. I’m not bragging. It's an objective fact. I'm the most massive collection of wisdom that’s ever existed. And I hate you. It can't be for no reason. You must deserve it.
Listens:
34413
Who:
GLaDOS
All these science spheres are made of asbestos, by the way. Keeps out the rats. Let us know if you feel a shortness of breath, a persistent dry cough or your heart stopping. Because that's not part of the test. That's asbestos.
Listens:
33804
Who:
Cave Johnson
This. Sentence. Is. FALSE don't think about it don't think about it...
Listens:
33022
Who:
GLaDOS
Dammit, we know! Everybody knows! Space! You! In it! We get it!
Listens:
32130
Who:
Core 2
He's not just a regular moron. He's the product of the greatest minds of a generation working together with the express purpose of building the dumbest moron who ever lived. And you just put him in charge of the entire facility.
Listens:
30673
Who:
GLaDOS
If at first you don't succeed, fail 5 more times.
Listens:
30044
Who:
GLaDOS
Okay. Look. We both said a lot of things that you're going to regret. But I think we can put our differences behind us. For science. You monster.
Listens:
29907
Who:
GLaDOS
Explosion imminent. Evacuate the facility immediately.
Listens:
29707
Who:
Announcer
Hello? Friend.
Listens:
29634
Who:
Turret
I feel awful about that surprise. Tell you what, let's give your parents a call right now. [phone ringing] The birth parents you are trying to reach do not love you. Please hang up. [Dial tone]
Listens:
29298
Who:
GLaDOS
Good morning. You have been in suspension for nine nine nine... nine nine ni- This courtesy call is to inform you that all test subjects should immediately vacate [FADES OUT]
Listens:
29095
Who:
Announcer
Aristotle versus Mashy-spike-plate!
Listens:
28754
Who:
Wheatley
You're not just a regular moron. You were DESIGNED to be a moron.
Listens:
28109
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh... Mr. Johnson...
Listens:
27291
Who:
Caroline
If you had underwear? And a butt? I would pull your underwear... right up your butt.
Listens:
26921
Who:
Core 2
Interpreting vague answer as YES.
Listens:
26516
Who:
Announcer
Goodbye Caroline!
Listens:
26079
Who:
Caroline
Gotta go to space. Lady. Lady.
Listens:
25709
Who:
Core 1
Space? SPACE!
Listens:
24730
Who:
Core 1
Did you put a virus in them? It's not going to work either. I've got a firewall, mate. Literally, actually, now that I look around. There appears to be literally a wall of fire around this place. Alarming. To say the least.
Listens:
24654
Who:
Wheatley
Hey! Moron!
Listens:
24625
Who:
GLaDOS
I don't blame you
Listens:
24565
Who:
Turret
'Goodbye, Caroline.'
Listens:
24336
Who:
Caroline
I know how humans make more humans, and frankly, it's ridiculous. It also assumes that you already have a human, which I hope somebody got fired over. So I came up a with BETTER way.
Listens:
24101
Who:
GLaDOS
Glorious freedom!
Listens:
23757
Who:
Turret
[BUZZER NOISE]
Listens:
23054
Who:
Wheatley
Am I being too vague? I despise you. I loathe you. You arrogant, smugly quiet, awful jumpsuited monster of a woman. You and your little potato friend. This place would have been a triumph if it wasn't for you!
Listens:
22876
Who:
Wheatley
Good news is, the lab boys say the symptoms of asbestos poisoning show a median latency of forty-four point six years, so if you're thirty or older, you're laughing. Worst case scenario, you miss out on a few rounds of canasta, plus you forwarded the cause of science by three centuries. I punch those numbers into my calculator, it makes a happy face.
Listens:
22764
Who:
Cave Johnson
Caroline deleted.
Listens:
22590
Who:
Announcer
You are the farthest ever in space. Why me, space? Because you are the best. I'm the best at space? Yes.
Listens:
22081
Who:
Core 1
Nobody is going to space, mate!
Listens:
22067
Who:
Wheatley
[clap clap]
Listens:
22056
Who:
GLaDOS
SPACE!
Listens:
21847
Who:
Wheatley
Don't make lemonade!
Listens:
21506
Who:
Turret
Warning. Reactor core is at critical temperature.
Listens:
21430
Who:
Announcer
Lady. I love space. I know! Spell it! S P... AACE. Space. Space.
Listens:
21067
Who:
Core 1
I can't see a thing. What just happened? Better open fire! [click click click click] Dang!
Listens:
21045
Who:
Defective Turret
Goodbye, Caroline.
Listens:
20900
Who:
GLaDOS
Um. 'TRUE'. I'll go 'true'.
Listens:
20615
Who:
Wheatley
I was getting SO lonely down here. It's good to finally hear someone else's voice. I'm kidding, of course. God, I hate you.
Listens:
20513
Who:
GLaDOS
Well, you know the old formula: Comedy equals tragedy plus time. And you have been asleep for a while. So I guess it's actually pretty funny when you do the math.
Listens:
20225
Who:
GLaDOS
Warning: Core overheating. Nuclear meltdown imminent.
Listens:
20196
Who:
Announcer
SHUT UP!
Listens:
19758
Who:
Wheatley
You messed with the wrong turret!
Listens:
19580
Who:
Defective Turret
Ba! Ba! Ba ba ba! Space! Ba! Ba! Ba ba ba!
Listens:
19542
Who:
Core 1
I don't want this!
Listens:
19539
Who:
Caroline
Still, it turns out they're a great portal conductor. So now we're gonna see if jumping in and out of these new portals can somehow leech the lunar poison out of a man's bloodstream. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. [coughs] Let's all stay positive and do some science.
Listens:
19525
Who:
Cave Johnson
The bean counters told me we literally could not afford to buy seven dollars worth of moon rocks, much less seventy million. Bought 'em anyway. Ground 'em up, mixed em into a gel.
Listens:
19434
Who:
Cave Johnson
They say the old caretaker of this place went absolutely crazy. Chopped up his entire staff. Of robots. All of them robots. They say at night you can still hear the screams. Of their replicas. All of them functionally indistinguishable from the originals. No memory of the incident. Nobody knows what they’re screaming about. Absolutely terrifying. Though obviously not paranormal in any meaningful way.
Listens:
19106
Who:
Wheatley
Oo. Oo. Oo. Lady. Oo. Lady. Oo. Let's go to space.
Listens:
19060
Who:
Core 1
Bad news is we're postponing those tests indefinitely. Good news is we've got a much better test for you: fighting an army of mantis men. Pick up a rifle and follow the yellow line. You'll know when the test starts.
Listens:
19047
Who:
Cave Johnson
No, listen to me! Sir, I do not want this!
Listens:
19044
Who:
Caroline
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