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Portal 2
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Portal 1 Music
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TF2 Music
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BECAUSE I'M A POTATO.
Listens:
765123
Who:
GLaDOS
Ha! I like your style. You make up your own rules, just like me.
Listens:
650352
Who:
Cave Johnson
SPAAACCCCCE!
Listens:
583593
Who:
Core 1
Dad! I'm in space! [low-pitched 'space' voice] I'm proud of you, son. [normal voice] Dad, are you space? [low-pitched 'space' voice] Yes. Now we are a family again.
Listens:
459709
Who:
Core 1
Ohmygodohmygodohmygod! I'm in space!
Listens:
373503
Who:
Core 1
[beep] Sarcasm Self Test complete. [beep]
Listens:
311317
Who:
Announcer
What's your favorite thing about space? Mine is space.
Listens:
212900
Who:
Core 1
Um. You've got a yacht. And... Boys! Loads of fellas. Hunky guys down there. Possibly even a boyfriend! Who's to say at this stage. But, a lot of good looking fellas down there. And, ah, a boy band as well! That haven't seen a woman in years. And they're not picky at all. They don't care if you've got a bit of brain damage. If you've been running around sweating. And... A farm! A pony farm! And... Just jump down, would ya?
Listens:
190230
Who:
Wheatley
Like the potato!
Listens:
185064
Who:
Defective Turret
A, A, A, A, A, A. [NNNT!] No. A, A, A, A, A, B. [NNNT!] Hold on, I've done both of these. Skip ahead. A, B, C... D, G, H.[DING!]
Listens:
173123
Who:
Wheatley
Demand to see life's manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I'm the man who's going to burn your house down! With the lemons! I'm going to get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!
Listens:
152072
Who:
Cave Johnson
[clap clap clap]
Listens:
133838
Who:
GLaDOS
All right, I've been thinking. When life gives you lemons? Don't make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! 'I don't want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?'
Listens:
124964
Who:
Cave Johnson
Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-action and adventure-dunna-dunna-na-dunna-na-playing by our own rules-nanana-hanging by our fingers from a mountain-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun...
Listens:
112891
Who:
Core 2
Did you ever stop to think that eventually there’s a point where your name gets mentioned for the very last time. Well, here it is: I’m going to kill you, Chell.
Listens:
109062
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello! This is the part where I kill you.
Listens:
108344
Who:
Wheatley
BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD
Listens:
104952
Who:
Wheatley
Space.
Listens:
101850
Who:
Core 1
Hey, nice potato!
Listens:
99912
Who:
Defective Turret
Lawl
Listens:
88239
Who:
Turret
You know what my days used to be like? I just tested. Nobody murdered me. Or put me in a potato. Or fed me to birds. I had a pretty good life.
Listens:
86208
Who:
GLaDOS
This next test is very dangerous. To help you remain tranquil in the face of almost certain death, smooth jazz will be deployed in three. Two. One. [SMOOTH JAZZ]
Listens:
80015
Who:
Announcer
Well done. Here come the test results: You are a horrible person. I'm serious, that's what it says: A horrible person. We weren't even testing for that.
Listens:
76624
Who:
GLaDOS
Nonononononono!
Listens:
72768
Who:
GLaDOS
No! NO! NO! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
Listens:
72181
Who:
GLaDOS
So... this cat loves lasagna so much that he eats all of the lasagna in his house. Okay, apparently it's not the cat's house or his lasagna. Oh good! The man who owns the lasagna is furious!
Listens:
69731
Who:
GLaDOS
I'm different...
Listens:
68883
Who:
Turret
Are you still there?
Listens:
57267
Who:
Turret
Oh, good. My slow clap processor made it into this thing. So we have that.
Listens:
54663
Who:
GLaDOS
Hmm. This Plate must not be calibrated to someone of your... generous... ness. I'll add a few zeros to the maximum weight.
Listens:
53754
Who:
GLaDOS
SPAAACE!
Listens:
51093
Who:
Core 1
This next test... [boom!] ..is... [BOOM!] dangerous. I'll be right back.
Listens:
50308
Who:
GLaDOS
Science isn't about WHY. It's about WHY NOT. Why is so much of our science dangerous? Why not marry safe science if you love it so much. In fact, why not invent a special safety door that won't hit you on the butt on the way out, because you are fired.
Listens:
49504
Who:
Cave Johnson
It's been a long time. How have you been?
Listens:
47329
Who:
GLaDOS
Okay, fine. Let's all act like humans. 'Look at me. Boy, do I love sweating. Let's convert beef and leaves into energy and excrete them later and go shopping.'
Listens:
46430
Who:
GLaDOS
DANCING is NOT SCIENCE!
Listens:
45836
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh... It's you.
Listens:
45172
Who:
GLaDOS
Prometheus was punished by the gods for giving the gift of knowledge to man. He was cast into the bowels of the earth and pecked by birds.
Listens:
44039
Who:
Turret
You really are doing great... Chell.
Listens:
42764
Who:
GLaDOS
[laugh]
Listens:
40643
Who:
Cave Johnson
But I'm huge! [laugh turning to maniacal laugh]
Listens:
38650
Who:
Wheatley
Yeah, take the lemons...
Listens:
37898
Who:
GLaDOS
Agh! Bird! Bird! Kill it! It's evil!
Listens:
37496
Who:
GLaDOS
Space. Trial. Puttin' the system on trial. In space. Space system. On trial. Guilty. Of being in space! Going to space jail!
Listens:
35374
Who:
Core 1
Did you know that people with guilty consciences are more easily startled by loud noises--[train horn]--
Listens:
35078
Who:
GLaDOS
Federal regulations require me to warn you that this next test chamber... is looking pretty good.
Listens:
34546
Who:
GLaDOS
Get mad!
Listens:
34046
Who:
Turret
*cough* PRESS THE BUTTON.
Listens:
33977
Who:
Wheatley
All these science spheres are made of asbestos, by the way. Keeps out the rats. Let us know if you feel a shortness of breath, a persistent dry cough or your heart stopping. Because that's not part of the test. That's asbestos.
Listens:
32847
Who:
Cave Johnson
This. Sentence. Is. FALSE don't think about it don't think about it...
Listens:
32197
Who:
GLaDOS
Dammit, we know! Everybody knows! Space! You! In it! We get it!
Listens:
31684
Who:
Core 2
Why do I hate you so much? You ever wonder that? I'm brilliant. I’m not bragging. It's an objective fact. I'm the most massive collection of wisdom that’s ever existed. And I hate you. It can't be for no reason. You must deserve it.
Listens:
31492
Who:
GLaDOS
If at first you don't succeed, fail 5 more times.
Listens:
29478
Who:
GLaDOS
He's not just a regular moron. He's the product of the greatest minds of a generation working together with the express purpose of building the dumbest moron who ever lived. And you just put him in charge of the entire facility.
Listens:
29270
Who:
GLaDOS
Okay. Look. We both said a lot of things that you're going to regret. But I think we can put our differences behind us. For science. You monster.
Listens:
28881
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello? Friend.
Listens:
28695
Who:
Turret
I feel awful about that surprise. Tell you what, let's give your parents a call right now. [phone ringing] The birth parents you are trying to reach do not love you. Please hang up. [Dial tone]
Listens:
28498
Who:
GLaDOS
Explosion imminent. Evacuate the facility immediately.
Listens:
28227
Who:
Announcer
Aristotle versus Mashy-spike-plate!
Listens:
28203
Who:
Wheatley
Good morning. You have been in suspension for nine nine nine... nine nine ni- This courtesy call is to inform you that all test subjects should immediately vacate [FADES OUT]
Listens:
27910
Who:
Announcer
You're not just a regular moron. You were DESIGNED to be a moron.
Listens:
27039
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh... Mr. Johnson...
Listens:
26838
Who:
Caroline
If you had underwear? And a butt? I would pull your underwear... right up your butt.
Listens:
26487
Who:
Core 2
Interpreting vague answer as YES.
Listens:
25582
Who:
Announcer
Gotta go to space. Lady. Lady.
Listens:
25338
Who:
Core 1
Goodbye Caroline!
Listens:
25315
Who:
Caroline
Did you put a virus in them? It's not going to work either. I've got a firewall, mate. Literally, actually, now that I look around. There appears to be literally a wall of fire around this place. Alarming. To say the least.
Listens:
24158
Who:
Wheatley
I don't blame you
Listens:
24009
Who:
Turret
Hey! Moron!
Listens:
23877
Who:
GLaDOS
'Goodbye, Caroline.'
Listens:
23590
Who:
Caroline
I know how humans make more humans, and frankly, it's ridiculous. It also assumes that you already have a human, which I hope somebody got fired over. So I came up a with BETTER way.
Listens:
23571
Who:
GLaDOS
Space? SPACE!
Listens:
23513
Who:
Core 1
Glorious freedom!
Listens:
23268
Who:
Turret
Am I being too vague? I despise you. I loathe you. You arrogant, smugly quiet, awful jumpsuited monster of a woman. You and your little potato friend. This place would have been a triumph if it wasn't for you!
Listens:
22016
Who:
Wheatley
Good news is, the lab boys say the symptoms of asbestos poisoning show a median latency of forty-four point six years, so if you're thirty or older, you're laughing. Worst case scenario, you miss out on a few rounds of canasta, plus you forwarded the cause of science by three centuries. I punch those numbers into my calculator, it makes a happy face.
Listens:
21849
Who:
Cave Johnson
Caroline deleted.
Listens:
21816
Who:
Announcer
You are the farthest ever in space. Why me, space? Because you are the best. I'm the best at space? Yes.
Listens:
21759
Who:
Core 1
[BUZZER NOISE]
Listens:
21626
Who:
Wheatley
Nobody is going to space, mate!
Listens:
21565
Who:
Wheatley
[clap clap]
Listens:
21485
Who:
GLaDOS
SPACE!
Listens:
21294
Who:
Wheatley
Don't make lemonade!
Listens:
20920
Who:
Turret
Lady. I love space. I know! Spell it! S P... AACE. Space. Space.
Listens:
20754
Who:
Core 1
I can't see a thing. What just happened? Better open fire! [click click click click] Dang!
Listens:
20692
Who:
Defective Turret
Goodbye, Caroline.
Listens:
20243
Who:
GLaDOS
Um. 'TRUE'. I'll go 'true'.
Listens:
20156
Who:
Wheatley
Warning. Reactor core is at critical temperature.
Listens:
20130
Who:
Announcer
I was getting SO lonely down here. It's good to finally hear someone else's voice. I'm kidding, of course. God, I hate you.
Listens:
20056
Who:
GLaDOS
Well, you know the old formula: Comedy equals tragedy plus time. And you have been asleep for a while. So I guess it's actually pretty funny when you do the math.
Listens:
19654
Who:
GLaDOS
I don't want this!
Listens:
19179
Who:
Caroline
Ba! Ba! Ba ba ba! Space! Ba! Ba! Ba ba ba!
Listens:
19173
Who:
Core 1
You messed with the wrong turret!
Listens:
19080
Who:
Defective Turret
Still, it turns out they're a great portal conductor. So now we're gonna see if jumping in and out of these new portals can somehow leech the lunar poison out of a man's bloodstream. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. [coughs] Let's all stay positive and do some science.
Listens:
19050
Who:
Cave Johnson
SHUT UP!
Listens:
18876
Who:
Wheatley
The bean counters told me we literally could not afford to buy seven dollars worth of moon rocks, much less seventy million. Bought 'em anyway. Ground 'em up, mixed em into a gel.
Listens:
18826
Who:
Cave Johnson
They say the old caretaker of this place went absolutely crazy. Chopped up his entire staff. Of robots. All of them robots. They say at night you can still hear the screams. Of their replicas. All of them functionally indistinguishable from the originals. No memory of the incident. Nobody knows what they’re screaming about. Absolutely terrifying. Though obviously not paranormal in any meaningful way.
Listens:
18579
Who:
Wheatley
Bad news is we're postponing those tests indefinitely. Good news is we've got a much better test for you: fighting an army of mantis men. Pick up a rifle and follow the yellow line. You'll know when the test starts.
Listens:
18568
Who:
Cave Johnson
Oo. Oo. Oo. Lady. Oo. Lady. Oo. Let's go to space.
Listens:
18553
Who:
Core 1
Space space wanna go to space yes please space. Space space. Go to space.
Listens:
18553
Who:
Core 1
No, listen to me! Sir, I do not want this!
Listens:
18549
Who:
Caroline
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