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Portal 2
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THEY didn't fly into space, storm a beach, or bring back the gold. No sir, we did! It's you and me against the world, son! I like your grit! Hustle could use some work, though. Now let's solve this thing!
Listens:
1922
Who:
Cave Johnson
Blah.
Listens:
1920
Who:
GLaDOS
Good, that's still working.
Listens:
1917
Who:
GLaDOS
It was YOUR voice.
Listens:
1914
Who:
GLaDOS
Humans must have some purpose other than a place to store your neurotoxin. Something I failed to notice before, an intangible quality that makes their test results... significant.
Listens:
1912
Who:
GLaDOS
The point is: If we can store music on a compact disc, why can't we store a man's intelligence and personality on one? So I have the engineers figuring that out now.
Listens:
1904
Who:
Cave Johnson
Ow. I hate this bird.
Listens:
1904
Who:
GLaDOS
Here we go! Now do it again!
Listens:
1903
Who:
Wheatley
Good. You will hear a buzzer. When you hear the buzzer, look down at the floor. [BUZZER]
Listens:
1894
Who:
Announcer
Space. Space. Space. Space. Comets. Stars. Galaxies. Orion.
Listens:
1894
Who:
Core 1
Oh for... They told me if I ever turned this flashlight on, I would DIE. They told me that about EVERYTHING. I don't know why they even bothered to give me this stuff if they didn't want me usin' it. It's pointless. Mad.
Listens:
1888
Who:
Wheatley
Oh, really? Space? Really? You should have said something! We had no idea!
Listens:
1879
Who:
Core 2
If I'd known you'd let yourself get captured this easily, I would have just dangled a turkey leg on a rope from the ceiling.
Listens:
1876
Who:
GLaDOS
So much space. Need to see it all.
Listens:
1873
Who:
Core 1
[cough] As a result, you may have heard we're gonna phase out human testing. There's still a few things left to wrap up, though.
Listens:
1866
Who:
Cave Johnson
Now you're thinking with stupidity.
Listens:
1862
Who:
GLaDOS
Well, how about now? NOW WHO'S A MORON?
Listens:
1859
Who:
Wheatley
Wait, what if this hurts? What if it REALLY hurts? Ohhh, I didn't think of that.
Listens:
1857
Who:
Wheatley
Oh oh oh. This is space! I'm in space!
Listens:
1851
Who:
Core 1
We're still doing science sir.
Listens:
1839
Who:
Caroline
I'm in space.
Listens:
1838
Who:
Core 1
Had a bit of a brain wave. There I was, smashing some steel plates together, and I thought, 'yes, it's deadly. But what's missing? What's missing?' And I thought lots of sharp bits welded onto the flat bits.
Listens:
1835
Who:
Wheatley
Come here, space. I have a secret for you. No, come closer.
Listens:
1834
Who:
Core 1
'Yes, sir, Mister Johnson...'
Listens:
1834
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh. It's you. Go away.
Listens:
1833
Who:
GLaDOS
What -what's wrong with being adopted? Um. Well... lack of parents, for one, and... also... furthermore... nothing. Some of my best... friends are... orphans... But...
Listens:
1822
Who:
Wheatley
Diamonds are made when coal is put under intense pressure. Diamonds put under intense pressure become foam pellets, commonly used today as packing material.
Listens:
1817
Who:
Core 3
[humming]
Listens:
1812
Who:
Core 1
You know what I have too many of around here? Monitors. I was just thinking earlier today I wish I had fewer monitors that were working. So you're actually helping me by smashing them.
Listens:
1806
Who:
Wheatley
Do NOT plug that little idiot into MY mainframe.
Listens:
1805
Who:
GLaDOS
Could you just jump into that pit? There. That deadly pit.
Listens:
1805
Who:
Wheatley
Still, though, let's get mad! If we're going to explode, let's at least explode with some dignity.
Listens:
1802
Who:
GLaDOS
If the Enrichment Center is currently being bombarded with fireballs, meteorites, or other objects from space, please avoid unsheltered testing areas wherever a lack of shelter from space-debris DOES NOT appear to be a deliberate part of the test.
Listens:
1795
Who:
Announcer
I should congratulate you, by the way. I didn't actually think you'd make such a worthy opponent. Weren't you supposed to be brain damaged or something? yeah, brain damaged like a fox.
Listens:
1795
Who:
Wheatley
Unknown error
Listens:
1794
Who:
Turret
You know, being Caroline taught me a valuable lesson. I thought you were my greatest enemy. When all along you were my best friend.
Listens:
1789
Who:
GLaDOS
Aw. Just thinking back to the old days when we were friends. Good old friends. Not enemies. And I'd say something like 'come back', and you'd be like 'no problem!' And you'd come back. What happened to those days?
Listens:
1784
Who:
Wheatley
This is a bad plan. You will fail.
Listens:
1778
Who:
Core 3
In just a moment, the word 'blah' will be repeated over and over again. If at some point you hear a number rather than the word 'blah', ignore it, it is not important.
Listens:
1775
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh thank god, you're alright.
Listens:
1772
Who:
GLaDOS
Stalemate Resolved.
Listens:
1765
Who:
Announcer
Good. If you feel that a lethal military android has not respected your rights as detailed in the Laws of Robotics, please note it on your self-reporting form. A future Aperture Science Entitlement Associate will initiate the appropriate grievance-filing paperwork.
Listens:
1765
Who:
Announcer
Edmund Hillary, the first person to climb Mount Everest, did so accidentally while chasing a bird.
Listens:
1763
Who:
Core 3
Oh! But when I DO test... ohhhhh, man alive! Nothing feels better. It's just... why I've gotta test, I've gotta test!
Listens:
1761
Who:
Wheatley
Now she'll argue. She'll say she can't. She's modest like that. But you make her.
Listens:
1756
Who:
Cave Johnson
This would go a lot faster if you'd stay still. Then I'd have time to fix the facility. So one of us at least would live. No need to be selfish, luv, you're gonna die.
Listens:
1751
Who:
Wheatley
In case you are worried about the humans, don't be. They aren't all monsters.
Listens:
1740
Who:
GLaDOS
Alright, so, silent contemplation it is. Mysterious button... Sorry. Sorry. Silence. Do not speak. In the silence. Let the silence descend. Here it comes. One hundred percent silence. From now. By the way, if you come up with any ideas, do flag them up. Don't feel you have to stay quiet because I've said absolute silence. So if you come up with an idea, mention it. Otherwise, absolute silence starting... Now.
Listens:
1737
Who:
Wheatley
Blue
Listens:
1736
Who:
GLaDOS
That's not funny.
Listens:
1728
Who:
GLaDOS
Space. Space.
Listens:
1712
Who:
Core 1
Mister Johnson
Listens:
1701
Who:
Caroline
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
1701
Who:
GLaDOS
First up, conversion gel. [cough]
Listens:
1694
Who:
Cave Johnson
Not you, test subject, you're doing fine.
Listens:
1690
Who:
Cave Johnson
This next test involves turrets. You remember them, right? They're the pale spherical things that are full of bullets. Oh wait. That's you in five seconds. Good luck.
Listens:
1678
Who:
GLaDOS
This time is OUR time.
Listens:
1678
Who:
Defective Turret
Earth.
Listens:
1676
Who:
Core 1
Whales are twice as intelligent, and three times as delicious, as humans.
Listens:
1676
Who:
Core 3
Aw. Bless your little primate brain. I'm not actually in the room with you. Am I? Technology. It's complicated. Can't hurt the big god face.
Listens:
1670
Who:
Wheatley
I did this! Tiny little Wheatley did this!
Listens:
1664
Who:
Wheatley
So that's a complete reassembly. New vitals. Spit-shine on the old ones. Plus we're scooping out tumors. Frankly, you oughtta be paying us.
Listens:
1657
Who:
Cave Johnson
Failure...
Listens:
1655
Who:
Turret
Don't press that button. You don't know what you're doing.
Listens:
1650
Who:
GLaDOS
Excellent. Although great science is always the result of collaboration, keep in mind that, like Albert Einstein and his cousin Terry, history will only remember one of you.
Listens:
1649
Who:
GLaDOS
Space!
Listens:
1642
Who:
Core 1
This is just getting embarrassing.
Listens:
1642
Who:
Defective Turret
5000 point penalty! Are you happy now?
Listens:
1634
Who:
GLaDOS
All right. We're working on a little teleportation experiment. Now, this doesn't work with all skin types, so try to remember which skin is yours, and if it doesn't teleport along with you, we'll do what we can to sew you right back into it.
Listens:
1633
Who:
Cave Johnson
Oh shut up!
Listens:
1624
Who:
Core 2
That's funny, I don't feel corrupt. In fact, I feel pretty good.
Listens:
1623
Who:
GLaDOS
I honestly, TRULY didn't think you'd fall for that.
Listens:
1618
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh, it will. Believe me, it will.
Listens:
1613
Who:
GLaDOS
Not interested in anything else. Don't TOUCH anything else. Don't even LOOK at anything else, just--well, obviously you've got to look at everything else to find ESCAPE POD, but as soon as you've looked at something and it doesn't say ESCAPE POD, look at something else, look at the next thing. Alright? But don't touch anything else or look at any--well, look at other things, but don't... you understand.
Listens:
1612
Who:
Wheatley
Oh! I've just had one idea, which is that I could pretend to her that I've captured you, and give you over and she'll kill you, but I could... go on living. What's your view on that?
Listens:
1612
Who:
Wheatley
She's the backbone of this facility. Pretty as a postcard, too. Sorry, fellas. She's married. To science.
Listens:
1611
Who:
Cave Johnson
Ah!
Listens:
1607
Who:
Core 1
Hello there!
Listens:
1607
Who:
Defective Turret
In 1862, Abraham Lincoln signed the Emancipation Proclamation, freeing the slaves. Like everything he did, Lincoln freed the slaves while sleepwalking, and later had no memory of the event.
Listens:
1603
Who:
Core 3
Die!
Listens:
1598
Who:
Defective Turret
Let me answer those questions with a question: Who wants to make sixty dollars? Cash.
Listens:
1596
Who:
Cave Johnson
Right. Now, you might be asking yourself, 'Cave, just how difficult are these tests? What was in that phone book of a contract I signed? Am I in danger?'
Listens:
1595
Who:
Cave Johnson
Ba! Ba! Ba ba ba! Space!
Listens:
1592
Who:
Core 1
NNGH! It's not enough! If I'm such a moron, why can't you solve a simple test?
Listens:
1588
Who:
Wheatley
AHHHHHHHHH!
Listens:
1587
Who:
Turret
The end.
Listens:
1585
Who:
GLaDOS
(excited gasps)
Listens:
1584
Who:
Core 1
Hey, hold on now WHOA WHOA WHOA!
Listens:
1580
Who:
Defective Turret
Hell, put her in my computer. I don't care.
Listens:
1578
Who:
Cave Johnson
Uh oh. You're stranded. Let's see if the cube will try to help you escape. Actually, so that we're not here all day, I'll just cut to the chase: It won't. Any feelings you think it has for you are simply byproducts of your sad, empty life.
Listens:
1576
Who:
GLaDOS
*I* have to go to the wing that was made entirely of glass and pick up fifteen acres of broken glass. By myself.
Listens:
1572
Who:
GLaDOS
One of my best tests and they let plants grow here? Can you believe this? You can't test plants! We tried. They just sit there, never showing pain nor fear.
Listens:
1570
Who:
GLaDOS
You are about to get me killed.
Listens:
1566
Who:
Core 3
Sentry mode activated
Listens:
1566
Who:
Turret
Turret redemption lines active.
Listens:
1563
Who:
Announcer
How can you fail at this? It isn't even a test.
Listens:
1562
Who:
GLaDOS
The square root of rope is string.
Listens:
1561
Who:
Core 3
That said, I would really appreciate it if you could test as fast as possible. Caroline, please bring me more pain pills.
Listens:
1560
Who:
Cave Johnson
Good. Now please return to your bed.
Listens:
1559
Who:
Announcer
Hey! It's me!
Listens:
1558
Who:
Turret
00:00 / 00:00
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