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Portal 2
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Portal 1 Music
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TF2 Music
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Great job, astronaut, war hero, and/or Olympian! With your help, we're gonna [tape cuts out]
Listens:
1862
Who:
Cave Johnson
Noooooo!
Listens:
1862
Who:
Turret
Oh, really? Space? Really? You should have said something! We had no idea!
Listens:
1857
Who:
Core 2
THEY didn't fly into space, storm a beach, or bring back the gold. No sir, we did! It's you and me against the world, son! I like your grit! Hustle could use some work, though. Now let's solve this thing!
Listens:
1851
Who:
Cave Johnson
Space. Space. Space. Space. Comets. Stars. Galaxies. Orion.
Listens:
1851
Who:
Core 1
Ow. I hate this bird.
Listens:
1845
Who:
GLaDOS
So much space. Need to see it all.
Listens:
1840
Who:
Core 1
Blah.
Listens:
1830
Who:
GLaDOS
Here we go! Now do it again!
Listens:
1830
Who:
Wheatley
Oh for... They told me if I ever turned this flashlight on, I would DIE. They told me that about EVERYTHING. I don't know why they even bothered to give me this stuff if they didn't want me usin' it. It's pointless. Mad.
Listens:
1829
Who:
Wheatley
The point is: If we can store music on a compact disc, why can't we store a man's intelligence and personality on one? So I have the engineers figuring that out now.
Listens:
1823
Who:
Cave Johnson
Good. You will hear a buzzer. When you hear the buzzer, look down at the floor. [BUZZER]
Listens:
1817
Who:
Announcer
If I'd known you'd let yourself get captured this easily, I would have just dangled a turkey leg on a rope from the ceiling.
Listens:
1817
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh oh oh. This is space! I'm in space!
Listens:
1814
Who:
Core 1
Now you're thinking with stupidity.
Listens:
1805
Who:
GLaDOS
We're still doing science sir.
Listens:
1794
Who:
Caroline
I'm in space.
Listens:
1791
Who:
Core 1
Had a bit of a brain wave. There I was, smashing some steel plates together, and I thought, 'yes, it's deadly. But what's missing? What's missing?' And I thought lots of sharp bits welded onto the flat bits.
Listens:
1791
Who:
Wheatley
Come here, space. I have a secret for you. No, come closer.
Listens:
1789
Who:
Core 1
Diamonds are made when coal is put under intense pressure. Diamonds put under intense pressure become foam pellets, commonly used today as packing material.
Listens:
1786
Who:
Core 3
[cough] As a result, you may have heard we're gonna phase out human testing. There's still a few things left to wrap up, though.
Listens:
1785
Who:
Cave Johnson
Oh. It's you. Go away.
Listens:
1783
Who:
GLaDOS
'Yes, sir, Mister Johnson...'
Listens:
1775
Who:
GLaDOS
Wait, what if this hurts? What if it REALLY hurts? Ohhh, I didn't think of that.
Listens:
1769
Who:
Wheatley
Still, though, let's get mad! If we're going to explode, let's at least explode with some dignity.
Listens:
1760
Who:
GLaDOS
AHHHHHHH!
Listens:
1760
Who:
Wheatley
What -what's wrong with being adopted? Um. Well... lack of parents, for one, and... also... furthermore... nothing. Some of my best... friends are... orphans... But...
Listens:
1760
Who:
Wheatley
[humming]
Listens:
1759
Who:
Core 1
You know what I have too many of around here? Monitors. I was just thinking earlier today I wish I had fewer monitors that were working. So you're actually helping me by smashing them.
Listens:
1754
Who:
Wheatley
You know, being Caroline taught me a valuable lesson. I thought you were my greatest enemy. When all along you were my best friend.
Listens:
1752
Who:
GLaDOS
Do NOT plug that little idiot into MY mainframe.
Listens:
1750
Who:
GLaDOS
Well, how about now? NOW WHO'S A MORON?
Listens:
1750
Who:
Wheatley
Could you just jump into that pit? There. That deadly pit.
Listens:
1740
Who:
Wheatley
Unknown error
Listens:
1735
Who:
Turret
Oh thank god, you're alright.
Listens:
1731
Who:
GLaDOS
This is a bad plan. You will fail.
Listens:
1723
Who:
Core 3
Aw. Just thinking back to the old days when we were friends. Good old friends. Not enemies. And I'd say something like 'come back', and you'd be like 'no problem!' And you'd come back. What happened to those days?
Listens:
1721
Who:
Wheatley
Edmund Hillary, the first person to climb Mount Everest, did so accidentally while chasing a bird.
Listens:
1718
Who:
Core 3
I should congratulate you, by the way. I didn't actually think you'd make such a worthy opponent. Weren't you supposed to be brain damaged or something? yeah, brain damaged like a fox.
Listens:
1718
Who:
Wheatley
Oh! But when I DO test... ohhhhh, man alive! Nothing feels better. It's just... why I've gotta test, I've gotta test!
Listens:
1715
Who:
Wheatley
If the Enrichment Center is currently being bombarded with fireballs, meteorites, or other objects from space, please avoid unsheltered testing areas wherever a lack of shelter from space-debris DOES NOT appear to be a deliberate part of the test.
Listens:
1713
Who:
Announcer
This would go a lot faster if you'd stay still. Then I'd have time to fix the facility. So one of us at least would live. No need to be selfish, luv, you're gonna die.
Listens:
1707
Who:
Wheatley
Good. If you feel that a lethal military android has not respected your rights as detailed in the Laws of Robotics, please note it on your self-reporting form. A future Aperture Science Entitlement Associate will initiate the appropriate grievance-filing paperwork.
Listens:
1706
Who:
Announcer
In case you are worried about the humans, don't be. They aren't all monsters.
Listens:
1705
Who:
GLaDOS
Alright, so, silent contemplation it is. Mysterious button... Sorry. Sorry. Silence. Do not speak. In the silence. Let the silence descend. Here it comes. One hundred percent silence. From now. By the way, if you come up with any ideas, do flag them up. Don't feel you have to stay quiet because I've said absolute silence. So if you come up with an idea, mention it. Otherwise, absolute silence starting... Now.
Listens:
1704
Who:
Wheatley
Now she'll argue. She'll say she can't. She's modest like that. But you make her.
Listens:
1702
Who:
Cave Johnson
Blue
Listens:
1685
Who:
GLaDOS
Stalemate Resolved.
Listens:
1683
Who:
Announcer
That's not funny.
Listens:
1671
Who:
GLaDOS
Space. Space.
Listens:
1667
Who:
Core 1
Whales are twice as intelligent, and three times as delicious, as humans.
Listens:
1653
Who:
Core 3
Mister Johnson
Listens:
1649
Who:
Caroline
Earth.
Listens:
1639
Who:
Core 1
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
1637
Who:
GLaDOS
This time is OUR time.
Listens:
1636
Who:
Defective Turret
Aw. Bless your little primate brain. I'm not actually in the room with you. Am I? Technology. It's complicated. Can't hurt the big god face.
Listens:
1622
Who:
Wheatley
First up, conversion gel. [cough]
Listens:
1619
Who:
Cave Johnson
Don't press that button. You don't know what you're doing.
Listens:
1613
Who:
GLaDOS
This next test involves turrets. You remember them, right? They're the pale spherical things that are full of bullets. Oh wait. That's you in five seconds. Good luck.
Listens:
1611
Who:
GLaDOS
Failure...
Listens:
1610
Who:
Turret
I did this! Tiny little Wheatley did this!
Listens:
1605
Who:
Wheatley
So that's a complete reassembly. New vitals. Spit-shine on the old ones. Plus we're scooping out tumors. Frankly, you oughtta be paying us.
Listens:
1603
Who:
Cave Johnson
Space!
Listens:
1601
Who:
Core 1
This is just getting embarrassing.
Listens:
1599
Who:
Defective Turret
All right. We're working on a little teleportation experiment. Now, this doesn't work with all skin types, so try to remember which skin is yours, and if it doesn't teleport along with you, we'll do what we can to sew you right back into it.
Listens:
1598
Who:
Cave Johnson
In just a moment, the word 'blah' will be repeated over and over again. If at some point you hear a number rather than the word 'blah', ignore it, it is not important.
Listens:
1595
Who:
GLaDOS
5000 point penalty! Are you happy now?
Listens:
1591
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh! I've just had one idea, which is that I could pretend to her that I've captured you, and give you over and she'll kill you, but I could... go on living. What's your view on that?
Listens:
1591
Who:
Wheatley
Oh shut up!
Listens:
1587
Who:
Core 2
Not you, test subject, you're doing fine.
Listens:
1586
Who:
Cave Johnson
Excellent. Although great science is always the result of collaboration, keep in mind that, like Albert Einstein and his cousin Terry, history will only remember one of you.
Listens:
1582
Who:
GLaDOS
Not interested in anything else. Don't TOUCH anything else. Don't even LOOK at anything else, just--well, obviously you've got to look at everything else to find ESCAPE POD, but as soon as you've looked at something and it doesn't say ESCAPE POD, look at something else, look at the next thing. Alright? But don't touch anything else or look at any--well, look at other things, but don't... you understand.
Listens:
1575
Who:
Wheatley
In 1862, Abraham Lincoln signed the Emancipation Proclamation, freeing the slaves. Like everything he did, Lincoln freed the slaves while sleepwalking, and later had no memory of the event.
Listens:
1573
Who:
Core 3
She's the backbone of this facility. Pretty as a postcard, too. Sorry, fellas. She's married. To science.
Listens:
1561
Who:
Cave Johnson
Hello there!
Listens:
1561
Who:
Defective Turret
Ah!
Listens:
1558
Who:
Core 1
Oh, it will. Believe me, it will.
Listens:
1557
Who:
GLaDOS
Die!
Listens:
1556
Who:
Defective Turret
Ba! Ba! Ba ba ba! Space!
Listens:
1553
Who:
Core 1
(excited gasps)
Listens:
1546
Who:
Core 1
The end.
Listens:
1541
Who:
GLaDOS
Hey, hold on now WHOA WHOA WHOA!
Listens:
1539
Who:
Defective Turret
One of my best tests and they let plants grow here? Can you believe this? You can't test plants! We tried. They just sit there, never showing pain nor fear.
Listens:
1538
Who:
GLaDOS
Right. Now, you might be asking yourself, 'Cave, just how difficult are these tests? What was in that phone book of a contract I signed? Am I in danger?'
Listens:
1536
Who:
Cave Johnson
That's funny, I don't feel corrupt. In fact, I feel pretty good.
Listens:
1529
Who:
GLaDOS
AHHHHHHHHH!
Listens:
1529
Who:
Turret
Okay, you know what? That's close enough. Just hold tight.
Listens:
1528
Who:
Wheatley
Let me answer those questions with a question: Who wants to make sixty dollars? Cash.
Listens:
1527
Who:
Cave Johnson
Hey! It's me!
Listens:
1526
Who:
Turret
The square root of rope is string.
Listens:
1525
Who:
Core 3
Dispensing product
Listens:
1524
Who:
Turret
You are about to get me killed.
Listens:
1520
Who:
Core 3
How can you fail at this? It isn't even a test.
Listens:
1519
Who:
GLaDOS
Hell, put her in my computer. I don't care.
Listens:
1517
Who:
Cave Johnson
I honestly, TRULY didn't think you'd fall for that.
Listens:
1512
Who:
GLaDOS
*I* have to go to the wing that was made entirely of glass and pick up fifteen acres of broken glass. By myself.
Listens:
1508
Who:
GLaDOS
NNGH! It's not enough! If I'm such a moron, why can't you solve a simple test?
Listens:
1506
Who:
Wheatley
Blah.
Listens:
1505
Who:
GLaDOS
Uh oh. You're stranded. Let's see if the cube will try to help you escape. Actually, so that we're not here all day, I'll just cut to the chase: It won't. Any feelings you think it has for you are simply byproducts of your sad, empty life.
Listens:
1505
Who:
GLaDOS
Look at that, it's growing right up into the ceiling. The whole place is probably overrun with potatoes at this point. At least you won't starve, though.
Listens:
1504
Who:
Wheatley
00:00 / 00:00
Test Player
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