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If you're allergic to peanuts, you might want to tell somebody now, because this next test may turn your blood into peanut water for a few minutes. On the bright side, if we can make this happen, they're gonna have to invent a new type of Nobel Prize to give us, so hang in there.
Listens:
1815
Who:
Cave Johnson
Warning! All testing courses are currently available.
Listens:
1814
Who:
Announcer
So much space. Need to see it all.
Listens:
1813
Who:
Core 1
Space. Space. Space. Space. Comets. Stars. Galaxies. Orion.
Listens:
1812
Who:
Core 1
THEY didn't fly into space, storm a beach, or bring back the gold. No sir, we did! It's you and me against the world, son! I like your grit! Hustle could use some work, though. Now let's solve this thing!
Listens:
1810
Who:
Cave Johnson
Noooooo!
Listens:
1802
Who:
Turret
Ow. I hate this bird.
Listens:
1797
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh for... They told me if I ever turned this flashlight on, I would DIE. They told me that about EVERYTHING. I don't know why they even bothered to give me this stuff if they didn't want me usin' it. It's pointless. Mad.
Listens:
1790
Who:
Wheatley
Oh oh oh. This is space! I'm in space!
Listens:
1789
Who:
Core 1
If I'd known you'd let yourself get captured this easily, I would have just dangled a turkey leg on a rope from the ceiling.
Listens:
1789
Who:
GLaDOS
The point is: If we can store music on a compact disc, why can't we store a man's intelligence and personality on one? So I have the engineers figuring that out now.
Listens:
1779
Who:
Cave Johnson
Had a bit of a brain wave. There I was, smashing some steel plates together, and I thought, 'yes, it's deadly. But what's missing? What's missing?' And I thought lots of sharp bits welded onto the flat bits.
Listens:
1764
Who:
Wheatley
Blah.
Listens:
1762
Who:
GLaDOS
Here we go! Now do it again!
Listens:
1758
Who:
Wheatley
Diamonds are made when coal is put under intense pressure. Diamonds put under intense pressure become foam pellets, commonly used today as packing material.
Listens:
1757
Who:
Core 3
Now you're thinking with stupidity.
Listens:
1757
Who:
GLaDOS
I'm in space.
Listens:
1750
Who:
Core 1
Come here, space. I have a secret for you. No, come closer.
Listens:
1745
Who:
Core 1
Good. You will hear a buzzer. When you hear the buzzer, look down at the floor. [BUZZER]
Listens:
1739
Who:
Announcer
Oh. It's you. Go away.
Listens:
1738
Who:
GLaDOS
Still, though, let's get mad! If we're going to explode, let's at least explode with some dignity.
Listens:
1731
Who:
GLaDOS
You know what I have too many of around here? Monitors. I was just thinking earlier today I wish I had fewer monitors that were working. So you're actually helping me by smashing them.
Listens:
1729
Who:
Wheatley
[cough] As a result, you may have heard we're gonna phase out human testing. There's still a few things left to wrap up, though.
Listens:
1726
Who:
Cave Johnson
'Yes, sir, Mister Johnson...'
Listens:
1724
Who:
GLaDOS
Wait, what if this hurts? What if it REALLY hurts? Ohhh, I didn't think of that.
Listens:
1723
Who:
Wheatley
You know, being Caroline taught me a valuable lesson. I thought you were my greatest enemy. When all along you were my best friend.
Listens:
1708
Who:
GLaDOS
[humming]
Listens:
1696
Who:
Core 1
Could you just jump into that pit? There. That deadly pit.
Listens:
1695
Who:
Wheatley
This is a bad plan. You will fail.
Listens:
1690
Who:
Core 3
Do NOT plug that little idiot into MY mainframe.
Listens:
1683
Who:
GLaDOS
Aw. Just thinking back to the old days when we were friends. Good old friends. Not enemies. And I'd say something like 'come back', and you'd be like 'no problem!' And you'd come back. What happened to those days?
Listens:
1681
Who:
Wheatley
What -what's wrong with being adopted? Um. Well... lack of parents, for one, and... also... furthermore... nothing. Some of my best... friends are... orphans... But...
Listens:
1680
Who:
Wheatley
Unknown error
Listens:
1680
Who:
Turret
In case you are worried about the humans, don't be. They aren't all monsters.
Listens:
1679
Who:
GLaDOS
Edmund Hillary, the first person to climb Mount Everest, did so accidentally while chasing a bird.
Listens:
1675
Who:
Core 3
Oh! But when I DO test... ohhhhh, man alive! Nothing feels better. It's just... why I've gotta test, I've gotta test!
Listens:
1675
Who:
Wheatley
If the Enrichment Center is currently being bombarded with fireballs, meteorites, or other objects from space, please avoid unsheltered testing areas wherever a lack of shelter from space-debris DOES NOT appear to be a deliberate part of the test.
Listens:
1666
Who:
Announcer
This would go a lot faster if you'd stay still. Then I'd have time to fix the facility. So one of us at least would live. No need to be selfish, luv, you're gonna die.
Listens:
1664
Who:
Wheatley
Alright, so, silent contemplation it is. Mysterious button... Sorry. Sorry. Silence. Do not speak. In the silence. Let the silence descend. Here it comes. One hundred percent silence. From now. By the way, if you come up with any ideas, do flag them up. Don't feel you have to stay quiet because I've said absolute silence. So if you come up with an idea, mention it. Otherwise, absolute silence starting... Now.
Listens:
1663
Who:
Wheatley
Good. If you feel that a lethal military android has not respected your rights as detailed in the Laws of Robotics, please note it on your self-reporting form. A future Aperture Science Entitlement Associate will initiate the appropriate grievance-filing paperwork.
Listens:
1660
Who:
Announcer
Oh thank god, you're alright.
Listens:
1660
Who:
GLaDOS
I should congratulate you, by the way. I didn't actually think you'd make such a worthy opponent. Weren't you supposed to be brain damaged or something? yeah, brain damaged like a fox.
Listens:
1660
Who:
Wheatley
Now she'll argue. She'll say she can't. She's modest like that. But you make her.
Listens:
1658
Who:
Cave Johnson
Blue
Listens:
1650
Who:
GLaDOS
We're still doing science sir.
Listens:
1641
Who:
Caroline
Well, how about now? NOW WHO'S A MORON?
Listens:
1634
Who:
Wheatley
That's not funny.
Listens:
1625
Who:
GLaDOS
Whales are twice as intelligent, and three times as delicious, as humans.
Listens:
1623
Who:
Core 3
Stalemate Resolved.
Listens:
1622
Who:
Announcer
Space. Space.
Listens:
1618
Who:
Core 1
This time is OUR time.
Listens:
1604
Who:
Defective Turret
AHHHHHHH!
Listens:
1603
Who:
Wheatley
Earth.
Listens:
1598
Who:
Core 1
Mister Johnson
Listens:
1586
Who:
Caroline
Aw. Bless your little primate brain. I'm not actually in the room with you. Am I? Technology. It's complicated. Can't hurt the big god face.
Listens:
1582
Who:
Wheatley
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
1576
Who:
GLaDOS
So that's a complete reassembly. New vitals. Spit-shine on the old ones. Plus we're scooping out tumors. Frankly, you oughtta be paying us.
Listens:
1575
Who:
Cave Johnson
Failure...
Listens:
1575
Who:
Turret
This next test involves turrets. You remember them, right? They're the pale spherical things that are full of bullets. Oh wait. That's you in five seconds. Good luck.
Listens:
1568
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh! I've just had one idea, which is that I could pretend to her that I've captured you, and give you over and she'll kill you, but I could... go on living. What's your view on that?
Listens:
1568
Who:
Wheatley
First up, conversion gel. [cough]
Listens:
1566
Who:
Cave Johnson
All right. We're working on a little teleportation experiment. Now, this doesn't work with all skin types, so try to remember which skin is yours, and if it doesn't teleport along with you, we'll do what we can to sew you right back into it.
Listens:
1564
Who:
Cave Johnson
In just a moment, the word 'blah' will be repeated over and over again. If at some point you hear a number rather than the word 'blah', ignore it, it is not important.
Listens:
1560
Who:
GLaDOS
This is just getting embarrassing.
Listens:
1558
Who:
Defective Turret
5000 point penalty! Are you happy now?
Listens:
1557
Who:
GLaDOS
Don't press that button. You don't know what you're doing.
Listens:
1557
Who:
GLaDOS
Space!
Listens:
1554
Who:
Core 1
Not interested in anything else. Don't TOUCH anything else. Don't even LOOK at anything else, just--well, obviously you've got to look at everything else to find ESCAPE POD, but as soon as you've looked at something and it doesn't say ESCAPE POD, look at something else, look at the next thing. Alright? But don't touch anything else or look at any--well, look at other things, but don't... you understand.
Listens:
1548
Who:
Wheatley
Oh shut up!
Listens:
1543
Who:
Core 2
In 1862, Abraham Lincoln signed the Emancipation Proclamation, freeing the slaves. Like everything he did, Lincoln freed the slaves while sleepwalking, and later had no memory of the event.
Listens:
1541
Who:
Core 3
Excellent. Although great science is always the result of collaboration, keep in mind that, like Albert Einstein and his cousin Terry, history will only remember one of you.
Listens:
1537
Who:
GLaDOS
Not you, test subject, you're doing fine.
Listens:
1534
Who:
Cave Johnson
I did this! Tiny little Wheatley did this!
Listens:
1534
Who:
Wheatley
Oh, it will. Believe me, it will.
Listens:
1524
Who:
GLaDOS
She's the backbone of this facility. Pretty as a postcard, too. Sorry, fellas. She's married. To science.
Listens:
1519
Who:
Cave Johnson
Hello there!
Listens:
1511
Who:
Defective Turret
One of my best tests and they let plants grow here? Can you believe this? You can't test plants! We tried. They just sit there, never showing pain nor fear.
Listens:
1510
Who:
GLaDOS
Okay, you know what? That's close enough. Just hold tight.
Listens:
1506
Who:
Wheatley
(excited gasps)
Listens:
1505
Who:
Core 1
Right. Now, you might be asking yourself, 'Cave, just how difficult are these tests? What was in that phone book of a contract I signed? Am I in danger?'
Listens:
1502
Who:
Cave Johnson
Ah!
Listens:
1502
Who:
Core 1
Ba! Ba! Ba ba ba! Space!
Listens:
1500
Who:
Core 1
Dispensing product
Listens:
1498
Who:
Turret
The end.
Listens:
1497
Who:
GLaDOS
The square root of rope is string.
Listens:
1493
Who:
Core 3
How can you fail at this? It isn't even a test.
Listens:
1493
Who:
GLaDOS
Die!
Listens:
1493
Who:
Defective Turret
Hey, hold on now WHOA WHOA WHOA!
Listens:
1493
Who:
Defective Turret
Hey! It's me!
Listens:
1484
Who:
Turret
You are about to get me killed.
Listens:
1477
Who:
Core 3
Hell, put her in my computer. I don't care.
Listens:
1474
Who:
Cave Johnson
Look at that, it's growing right up into the ceiling. The whole place is probably overrun with potatoes at this point. At least you won't starve, though.
Listens:
1474
Who:
Wheatley
Let me answer those questions with a question: Who wants to make sixty dollars? Cash.
Listens:
1473
Who:
Cave Johnson
Or maybe he still is, in which case, wow, that's kind of sad.
Listens:
1473
Who:
GLaDOS
Blah.
Listens:
1467
Who:
GLaDOS
That's funny, I don't feel corrupt. In fact, I feel pretty good.
Listens:
1464
Who:
GLaDOS
I thought you'd be faster at this, but I can appreciate the desire to stop and smell the testing. That other scent you smell? That's the stench of my utter disappointment in you.
Listens:
1464
Who:
GLaDOS
It is incorrectly noted that Thomas Edison invented 'push-ups' in 1878. Nikolai Tesla had in fact patented the activity three years earlier, under the name 'Tesla-cize.'
Listens:
1458
Who:
Core 3
Aw... hates Mondays.
Listens:
1458
Who:
GLaDOS
There's a star. There's another one. Star. Star star star. Star.
Listens:
1456
Who:
Core 1
00:00 / 00:00
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