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Portal 2
Portal 2 DLC
Portal 2 PTI
Portal 2 Music
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Portal 1 Music
Team Fortress 2
TF2 Music
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Great job, astronaut, war hero, and/or Olympian! With your help, we're gonna [tape cuts out]
Listens:
1844
Who:
Cave Johnson
THEY didn't fly into space, storm a beach, or bring back the gold. No sir, we did! It's you and me against the world, son! I like your grit! Hustle could use some work, though. Now let's solve this thing!
Listens:
1836
Who:
Cave Johnson
Oh, really? Space? Really? You should have said something! We had no idea!
Listens:
1836
Who:
Core 2
Space. Space. Space. Space. Comets. Stars. Galaxies. Orion.
Listens:
1834
Who:
Core 1
So much space. Need to see it all.
Listens:
1829
Who:
Core 1
Noooooo!
Listens:
1827
Who:
Turret
Ow. I hate this bird.
Listens:
1822
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh for... They told me if I ever turned this flashlight on, I would DIE. They told me that about EVERYTHING. I don't know why they even bothered to give me this stuff if they didn't want me usin' it. It's pointless. Mad.
Listens:
1814
Who:
Wheatley
Blah.
Listens:
1813
Who:
GLaDOS
Here we go! Now do it again!
Listens:
1810
Who:
Wheatley
Oh oh oh. This is space! I'm in space!
Listens:
1808
Who:
Core 1
If I'd known you'd let yourself get captured this easily, I would have just dangled a turkey leg on a rope from the ceiling.
Listens:
1808
Who:
GLaDOS
The point is: If we can store music on a compact disc, why can't we store a man's intelligence and personality on one? So I have the engineers figuring that out now.
Listens:
1807
Who:
Cave Johnson
Good. You will hear a buzzer. When you hear the buzzer, look down at the floor. [BUZZER]
Listens:
1793
Who:
Announcer
Now you're thinking with stupidity.
Listens:
1789
Who:
GLaDOS
I'm in space.
Listens:
1778
Who:
Core 1
Had a bit of a brain wave. There I was, smashing some steel plates together, and I thought, 'yes, it's deadly. But what's missing? What's missing?' And I thought lots of sharp bits welded onto the flat bits.
Listens:
1777
Who:
Wheatley
Come here, space. I have a secret for you. No, come closer.
Listens:
1773
Who:
Core 1
Diamonds are made when coal is put under intense pressure. Diamonds put under intense pressure become foam pellets, commonly used today as packing material.
Listens:
1773
Who:
Core 3
Oh. It's you. Go away.
Listens:
1766
Who:
GLaDOS
[cough] As a result, you may have heard we're gonna phase out human testing. There's still a few things left to wrap up, though.
Listens:
1760
Who:
Cave Johnson
Still, though, let's get mad! If we're going to explode, let's at least explode with some dignity.
Listens:
1747
Who:
GLaDOS
You know what I have too many of around here? Monitors. I was just thinking earlier today I wish I had fewer monitors that were working. So you're actually helping me by smashing them.
Listens:
1746
Who:
Wheatley
'Yes, sir, Mister Johnson...'
Listens:
1743
Who:
GLaDOS
Wait, what if this hurts? What if it REALLY hurts? Ohhh, I didn't think of that.
Listens:
1742
Who:
Wheatley
You know, being Caroline taught me a valuable lesson. I thought you were my greatest enemy. When all along you were my best friend.
Listens:
1736
Who:
GLaDOS
[humming]
Listens:
1734
Who:
Core 1
Oh thank god, you're alright.
Listens:
1722
Who:
GLaDOS
Do NOT plug that little idiot into MY mainframe.
Listens:
1721
Who:
GLaDOS
What -what's wrong with being adopted? Um. Well... lack of parents, for one, and... also... furthermore... nothing. Some of my best... friends are... orphans... But...
Listens:
1720
Who:
Wheatley
Could you just jump into that pit? There. That deadly pit.
Listens:
1715
Who:
Wheatley
Unknown error
Listens:
1712
Who:
Turret
This is a bad plan. You will fail.
Listens:
1711
Who:
Core 3
Aw. Just thinking back to the old days when we were friends. Good old friends. Not enemies. And I'd say something like 'come back', and you'd be like 'no problem!' And you'd come back. What happened to those days?
Listens:
1703
Who:
Wheatley
Oh! But when I DO test... ohhhhh, man alive! Nothing feels better. It's just... why I've gotta test, I've gotta test!
Listens:
1701
Who:
Wheatley
In case you are worried about the humans, don't be. They aren't all monsters.
Listens:
1696
Who:
GLaDOS
Edmund Hillary, the first person to climb Mount Everest, did so accidentally while chasing a bird.
Listens:
1695
Who:
Core 3
If the Enrichment Center is currently being bombarded with fireballs, meteorites, or other objects from space, please avoid unsheltered testing areas wherever a lack of shelter from space-debris DOES NOT appear to be a deliberate part of the test.
Listens:
1693
Who:
Announcer
This would go a lot faster if you'd stay still. Then I'd have time to fix the facility. So one of us at least would live. No need to be selfish, luv, you're gonna die.
Listens:
1693
Who:
Wheatley
Well, how about now? NOW WHO'S A MORON?
Listens:
1691
Who:
Wheatley
I should congratulate you, by the way. I didn't actually think you'd make such a worthy opponent. Weren't you supposed to be brain damaged or something? yeah, brain damaged like a fox.
Listens:
1689
Who:
Wheatley
Alright, so, silent contemplation it is. Mysterious button... Sorry. Sorry. Silence. Do not speak. In the silence. Let the silence descend. Here it comes. One hundred percent silence. From now. By the way, if you come up with any ideas, do flag them up. Don't feel you have to stay quiet because I've said absolute silence. So if you come up with an idea, mention it. Otherwise, absolute silence starting... Now.
Listens:
1687
Who:
Wheatley
Good. If you feel that a lethal military android has not respected your rights as detailed in the Laws of Robotics, please note it on your self-reporting form. A future Aperture Science Entitlement Associate will initiate the appropriate grievance-filing paperwork.
Listens:
1686
Who:
Announcer
Now she'll argue. She'll say she can't. She's modest like that. But you make her.
Listens:
1682
Who:
Cave Johnson
Blue
Listens:
1676
Who:
GLaDOS
AHHHHHHH!
Listens:
1669
Who:
Wheatley
We're still doing science sir.
Listens:
1664
Who:
Caroline
Stalemate Resolved.
Listens:
1651
Who:
Announcer
Space. Space.
Listens:
1649
Who:
Core 1
That's not funny.
Listens:
1648
Who:
GLaDOS
Whales are twice as intelligent, and three times as delicious, as humans.
Listens:
1637
Who:
Core 3
This time is OUR time.
Listens:
1623
Who:
Defective Turret
Earth.
Listens:
1620
Who:
Core 1
Mister Johnson
Listens:
1617
Who:
Caroline
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
1616
Who:
GLaDOS
First up, conversion gel. [cough]
Listens:
1603
Who:
Cave Johnson
Don't press that button. You don't know what you're doing.
Listens:
1600
Who:
GLaDOS
Aw. Bless your little primate brain. I'm not actually in the room with you. Am I? Technology. It's complicated. Can't hurt the big god face.
Listens:
1597
Who:
Wheatley
Failure...
Listens:
1597
Who:
Turret
This next test involves turrets. You remember them, right? They're the pale spherical things that are full of bullets. Oh wait. That's you in five seconds. Good luck.
Listens:
1593
Who:
GLaDOS
So that's a complete reassembly. New vitals. Spit-shine on the old ones. Plus we're scooping out tumors. Frankly, you oughtta be paying us.
Listens:
1592
Who:
Cave Johnson
Space!
Listens:
1590
Who:
Core 1
This is just getting embarrassing.
Listens:
1589
Who:
Defective Turret
All right. We're working on a little teleportation experiment. Now, this doesn't work with all skin types, so try to remember which skin is yours, and if it doesn't teleport along with you, we'll do what we can to sew you right back into it.
Listens:
1587
Who:
Cave Johnson
In just a moment, the word 'blah' will be repeated over and over again. If at some point you hear a number rather than the word 'blah', ignore it, it is not important.
Listens:
1587
Who:
GLaDOS
I did this! Tiny little Wheatley did this!
Listens:
1584
Who:
Wheatley
Oh! I've just had one idea, which is that I could pretend to her that I've captured you, and give you over and she'll kill you, but I could... go on living. What's your view on that?
Listens:
1584
Who:
Wheatley
5000 point penalty! Are you happy now?
Listens:
1578
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh shut up!
Listens:
1566
Who:
Core 2
Not interested in anything else. Don't TOUCH anything else. Don't even LOOK at anything else, just--well, obviously you've got to look at everything else to find ESCAPE POD, but as soon as you've looked at something and it doesn't say ESCAPE POD, look at something else, look at the next thing. Alright? But don't touch anything else or look at any--well, look at other things, but don't... you understand.
Listens:
1563
Who:
Wheatley
Excellent. Although great science is always the result of collaboration, keep in mind that, like Albert Einstein and his cousin Terry, history will only remember one of you.
Listens:
1561
Who:
GLaDOS
Not you, test subject, you're doing fine.
Listens:
1559
Who:
Cave Johnson
In 1862, Abraham Lincoln signed the Emancipation Proclamation, freeing the slaves. Like everything he did, Lincoln freed the slaves while sleepwalking, and later had no memory of the event.
Listens:
1552
Who:
Core 3
Oh, it will. Believe me, it will.
Listens:
1550
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello there!
Listens:
1548
Who:
Defective Turret
Ah!
Listens:
1541
Who:
Core 1
Die!
Listens:
1541
Who:
Defective Turret
She's the backbone of this facility. Pretty as a postcard, too. Sorry, fellas. She's married. To science.
Listens:
1539
Who:
Cave Johnson
Ba! Ba! Ba ba ba! Space!
Listens:
1535
Who:
Core 1
Hey, hold on now WHOA WHOA WHOA!
Listens:
1526
Who:
Defective Turret
(excited gasps)
Listens:
1525
Who:
Core 1
The end.
Listens:
1525
Who:
GLaDOS
One of my best tests and they let plants grow here? Can you believe this? You can't test plants! We tried. They just sit there, never showing pain nor fear.
Listens:
1523
Who:
GLaDOS
Right. Now, you might be asking yourself, 'Cave, just how difficult are these tests? What was in that phone book of a contract I signed? Am I in danger?'
Listens:
1518
Who:
Cave Johnson
Okay, you know what? That's close enough. Just hold tight.
Listens:
1518
Who:
Wheatley
Hey! It's me!
Listens:
1514
Who:
Turret
How can you fail at this? It isn't even a test.
Listens:
1512
Who:
GLaDOS
Dispensing product
Listens:
1510
Who:
Turret
The square root of rope is string.
Listens:
1509
Who:
Core 3
That's funny, I don't feel corrupt. In fact, I feel pretty good.
Listens:
1509
Who:
GLaDOS
Let me answer those questions with a question: Who wants to make sixty dollars? Cash.
Listens:
1504
Who:
Cave Johnson
You are about to get me killed.
Listens:
1499
Who:
Core 3
Hell, put her in my computer. I don't care.
Listens:
1497
Who:
Cave Johnson
Blah.
Listens:
1490
Who:
GLaDOS
Look at that, it's growing right up into the ceiling. The whole place is probably overrun with potatoes at this point. At least you won't starve, though.
Listens:
1489
Who:
Wheatley
Aw... hates Mondays.
Listens:
1487
Who:
GLaDOS
I thought you'd be faster at this, but I can appreciate the desire to stop and smell the testing. That other scent you smell? That's the stench of my utter disappointment in you.
Listens:
1485
Who:
GLaDOS
I honestly, TRULY didn't think you'd fall for that.
Listens:
1484
Who:
GLaDOS
Or maybe he still is, in which case, wow, that's kind of sad.
Listens:
1484
Who:
GLaDOS
*I* have to go to the wing that was made entirely of glass and pick up fifteen acres of broken glass. By myself.
Listens:
1484
Who:
GLaDOS
00:00 / 00:00
Test Player
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