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Portal 2
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The portal will open and emergency testing will begin in three. Two. One.
Listens:
2052
Who:
Announcer
Noooooo!
Listens:
2051
Who:
Turret
Pens. Pens. Pens. Pens. Pens. Pens. Pens.
Listens:
2049
Who:
Core 3
Great job, astronaut, war hero, and/or Olympian! With your help, we're gonna [tape cuts out]
Listens:
2045
Who:
Cave Johnson
It was YOUR voice.
Listens:
2040
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh for... They told me if I ever turned this flashlight on, I would DIE. They told me that about EVERYTHING. I don't know why they even bothered to give me this stuff if they didn't want me usin' it. It's pointless. Mad.
Listens:
2038
Who:
Wheatley
In Victorian England, a commoner was not allowed to look directly at the Queen, due to a belief at the time that the poor had the ability to steal thoughts. Science now believes that less than 4% of poor people are able to do this.
Listens:
2029
Who:
Core 3
Wait, what if this hurts? What if it REALLY hurts? Ohhh, I didn't think of that.
Listens:
2019
Who:
Wheatley
Here we go! Now do it again!
Listens:
2013
Who:
Wheatley
Humans must have some purpose other than a place to store your neurotoxin. Something I failed to notice before, an intangible quality that makes their test results... significant.
Listens:
2011
Who:
GLaDOS
Ow. I hate this bird.
Listens:
2006
Who:
GLaDOS
Good, that's still working.
Listens:
2006
Who:
GLaDOS
Blah.
Listens:
2004
Who:
GLaDOS
THEY didn't fly into space, storm a beach, or bring back the gold. No sir, we did! It's you and me against the world, son! I like your grit! Hustle could use some work, though. Now let's solve this thing!
Listens:
1999
Who:
Cave Johnson
[cough] As a result, you may have heard we're gonna phase out human testing. There's still a few things left to wrap up, though.
Listens:
1993
Who:
Cave Johnson
Had a bit of a brain wave. There I was, smashing some steel plates together, and I thought, 'yes, it's deadly. But what's missing? What's missing?' And I thought lots of sharp bits welded onto the flat bits.
Listens:
1985
Who:
Wheatley
If I'd known you'd let yourself get captured this easily, I would have just dangled a turkey leg on a rope from the ceiling.
Listens:
1979
Who:
GLaDOS
Space. Space. Space. Space. Comets. Stars. Galaxies. Orion.
Listens:
1978
Who:
Core 1
Oh, really? Space? Really? You should have said something! We had no idea!
Listens:
1974
Who:
Core 2
Oh. It's you. Go away.
Listens:
1967
Who:
GLaDOS
Now you're thinking with stupidity.
Listens:
1967
Who:
GLaDOS
Could you just jump into that pit? There. That deadly pit.
Listens:
1967
Who:
Wheatley
We're still doing science sir.
Listens:
1953
Who:
Caroline
If the Enrichment Center is currently being bombarded with fireballs, meteorites, or other objects from space, please avoid unsheltered testing areas wherever a lack of shelter from space-debris DOES NOT appear to be a deliberate part of the test.
Listens:
1929
Who:
Announcer
So much space. Need to see it all.
Listens:
1926
Who:
Core 1
'Yes, sir, Mister Johnson...'
Listens:
1925
Who:
GLaDOS
Still, though, let's get mad! If we're going to explode, let's at least explode with some dignity.
Listens:
1925
Who:
GLaDOS
In just a moment, the word 'blah' will be repeated over and over again. If at some point you hear a number rather than the word 'blah', ignore it, it is not important.
Listens:
1923
Who:
GLaDOS
*I* have to go to the wing that was made entirely of glass and pick up fifteen acres of broken glass. By myself.
Listens:
1921
Who:
GLaDOS
Diamonds are made when coal is put under intense pressure. Diamonds put under intense pressure become foam pellets, commonly used today as packing material.
Listens:
1918
Who:
Core 3
I should congratulate you, by the way. I didn't actually think you'd make such a worthy opponent. Weren't you supposed to be brain damaged or something? yeah, brain damaged like a fox.
Listens:
1917
Who:
Wheatley
Stalemate Resolved.
Listens:
1911
Who:
Announcer
Do NOT plug that little idiot into MY mainframe.
Listens:
1906
Who:
GLaDOS
Come here, space. I have a secret for you. No, come closer.
Listens:
1897
Who:
Core 1
I'm in space.
Listens:
1896
Who:
Core 1
You know what I have too many of around here? Monitors. I was just thinking earlier today I wish I had fewer monitors that were working. So you're actually helping me by smashing them.
Listens:
1896
Who:
Wheatley
Good. If you feel that a lethal military android has not respected your rights as detailed in the Laws of Robotics, please note it on your self-reporting form. A future Aperture Science Entitlement Associate will initiate the appropriate grievance-filing paperwork.
Listens:
1893
Who:
Announcer
Oh oh oh. This is space! I'm in space!
Listens:
1891
Who:
Core 1
Unknown error
Listens:
1891
Who:
Turret
Look - metal ball, I CAN hear you.
Listens:
1888
Who:
GLaDOS
Now she'll argue. She'll say she can't. She's modest like that. But you make her.
Listens:
1885
Who:
Cave Johnson
Aw. Just thinking back to the old days when we were friends. Good old friends. Not enemies. And I'd say something like 'come back', and you'd be like 'no problem!' And you'd come back. What happened to those days?
Listens:
1883
Who:
Wheatley
Excellent. Although great science is always the result of collaboration, keep in mind that, like Albert Einstein and his cousin Terry, history will only remember one of you.
Listens:
1877
Who:
GLaDOS
I honestly, TRULY didn't think you'd fall for that.
Listens:
1877
Who:
GLaDOS
That's funny, I don't feel corrupt. In fact, I feel pretty good.
Listens:
1876
Who:
GLaDOS
You know, being Caroline taught me a valuable lesson. I thought you were my greatest enemy. When all along you were my best friend.
Listens:
1871
Who:
GLaDOS
This is a bad plan. You will fail.
Listens:
1864
Who:
Core 3
This would go a lot faster if you'd stay still. Then I'd have time to fix the facility. So one of us at least would live. No need to be selfish, luv, you're gonna die.
Listens:
1864
Who:
Wheatley
I did this! Tiny little Wheatley did this!
Listens:
1863
Who:
Wheatley
That's not funny.
Listens:
1858
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh! But when I DO test... ohhhhh, man alive! Nothing feels better. It's just... why I've gotta test, I've gotta test!
Listens:
1856
Who:
Wheatley
First up, conversion gel. [cough]
Listens:
1846
Who:
Cave Johnson
[humming]
Listens:
1843
Who:
Core 1
Oh thank god, you're alright.
Listens:
1843
Who:
GLaDOS
Alright, so, silent contemplation it is. Mysterious button... Sorry. Sorry. Silence. Do not speak. In the silence. Let the silence descend. Here it comes. One hundred percent silence. From now. By the way, if you come up with any ideas, do flag them up. Don't feel you have to stay quiet because I've said absolute silence. So if you come up with an idea, mention it. Otherwise, absolute silence starting... Now.
Listens:
1840
Who:
Wheatley
Let me answer those questions with a question: Who wants to make sixty dollars? Cash.
Listens:
1835
Who:
Cave Johnson
Not you, test subject, you're doing fine.
Listens:
1828
Who:
Cave Johnson
Edmund Hillary, the first person to climb Mount Everest, did so accidentally while chasing a bird.
Listens:
1821
Who:
Core 3
Aw. Bless your little primate brain. I'm not actually in the room with you. Am I? Technology. It's complicated. Can't hurt the big god face.
Listens:
1814
Who:
Wheatley
Oh, it will. Believe me, it will.
Listens:
1813
Who:
GLaDOS
Blue
Listens:
1808
Who:
GLaDOS
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
1806
Who:
GLaDOS
Mister Johnson
Listens:
1803
Who:
Caroline
She's the backbone of this facility. Pretty as a postcard, too. Sorry, fellas. She's married. To science.
Listens:
1801
Who:
Cave Johnson
In case you are worried about the humans, don't be. They aren't all monsters.
Listens:
1794
Who:
GLaDOS
Don't press that button. You don't know what you're doing.
Listens:
1788
Who:
GLaDOS
This next test involves turrets. You remember them, right? They're the pale spherical things that are full of bullets. Oh wait. That's you in five seconds. Good luck.
Listens:
1784
Who:
GLaDOS
NNGH! It's not enough! If I'm such a moron, why can't you solve a simple test?
Listens:
1781
Who:
Wheatley
5000 point penalty! Are you happy now?
Listens:
1779
Who:
GLaDOS
Space. Space.
Listens:
1771
Who:
Core 1
Right. Now, you might be asking yourself, 'Cave, just how difficult are these tests? What was in that phone book of a contract I signed? Am I in danger?'
Listens:
1751
Who:
Cave Johnson
Earth.
Listens:
1739
Who:
Core 1
Uh oh. You're stranded. Let's see if the cube will try to help you escape. Actually, so that we're not here all day, I'll just cut to the chase: It won't. Any feelings you think it has for you are simply byproducts of your sad, empty life.
Listens:
1738
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello there!
Listens:
1733
Who:
Defective Turret
So that's a complete reassembly. New vitals. Spit-shine on the old ones. Plus we're scooping out tumors. Frankly, you oughtta be paying us.
Listens:
1729
Who:
Cave Johnson
Whales are twice as intelligent, and three times as delicious, as humans.
Listens:
1729
Who:
Core 3
Turret redemption lines active.
Listens:
1726
Who:
Announcer
This time is OUR time.
Listens:
1718
Who:
Defective Turret
Oh shut up!
Listens:
1716
Who:
Core 2
Failure...
Listens:
1715
Who:
Turret
Well. This is the part where he kills us.
Listens:
1706
Who:
GLaDOS
And whose fault do you think it's going to be when the management comes down here and finds ten thousand flipping vegetables?
Listens:
1705
Who:
Wheatley
In case you're interested, there's still some positions available for that bonus opportunity I mentioned earlier. Again: all you gotta do is let us disassemble you. We're not banging rocks together here. We know how to put a man back together.
Listens:
1700
Who:
Cave Johnson
How can you fail at this? It isn't even a test.
Listens:
1690
Who:
GLaDOS
All right. We're working on a little teleportation experiment. Now, this doesn't work with all skin types, so try to remember which skin is yours, and if it doesn't teleport along with you, we'll do what we can to sew you right back into it.
Listens:
1689
Who:
Cave Johnson
Die!
Listens:
1688
Who:
Defective Turret
In 1862, Abraham Lincoln signed the Emancipation Proclamation, freeing the slaves. Like everything he did, Lincoln freed the slaves while sleepwalking, and later had no memory of the event.
Listens:
1687
Who:
Core 3
You know, deleting Caroline just now taught me a valuable lesson. The best solution to a problem is usually the easiest one. And I'll be honest.
Listens:
1682
Who:
GLaDOS
Ba! Ba! Ba ba ba! Space!
Listens:
1677
Who:
Core 1
Space!
Listens:
1676
Who:
Core 1
Not interested in anything else. Don't TOUCH anything else. Don't even LOOK at anything else, just--well, obviously you've got to look at everything else to find ESCAPE POD, but as soon as you've looked at something and it doesn't say ESCAPE POD, look at something else, look at the next thing. Alright? But don't touch anything else or look at any--well, look at other things, but don't... you understand.
Listens:
1672
Who:
Wheatley
Oh! I've just had one idea, which is that I could pretend to her that I've captured you, and give you over and she'll kill you, but I could... go on living. What's your view on that?
Listens:
1671
Who:
Wheatley
Good. Now please return to your bed.
Listens:
1670
Who:
Announcer
I thought you'd be faster at this, but I can appreciate the desire to stop and smell the testing. That other scent you smell? That's the stench of my utter disappointment in you.
Listens:
1668
Who:
GLaDOS
Alternate core detected.
Listens:
1665
Who:
Announcer
Ah!
Listens:
1664
Who:
Core 1
This is just getting embarrassing.
Listens:
1662
Who:
Defective Turret
Dispensing product
Listens:
1662
Who:
Turret
Hell, put her in my computer. I don't care.
Listens:
1660
Who:
Cave Johnson
The scientists were always hanging cores on me to regulate my behavior. I've heard voices all my life. But now I hear the voice of a conscience, and it's terrifying, because for the first time it's my voice.
Listens:
1658
Who:
GLaDOS
00:00 / 00:00
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