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Portal 2
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Portal 1 Music
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TF2 Music
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The point is: If we can store music on a compact disc, why can't we store a man's intelligence and personality on one? So I have the engineers figuring that out now.
Listens:
2002
Who:
Cave Johnson
Great job, astronaut, war hero, and/or Olympian! With your help, we're gonna [tape cuts out]
Listens:
1995
Who:
Cave Johnson
Well, how about now? NOW WHO'S A MORON?
Listens:
1992
Who:
Wheatley
Humans must have some purpose other than a place to store your neurotoxin. Something I failed to notice before, an intangible quality that makes their test results... significant.
Listens:
1985
Who:
GLaDOS
Blah.
Listens:
1984
Who:
GLaDOS
It was YOUR voice.
Listens:
1984
Who:
GLaDOS
Here we go! Now do it again!
Listens:
1984
Who:
Wheatley
Good, that's still working.
Listens:
1982
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh for... They told me if I ever turned this flashlight on, I would DIE. They told me that about EVERYTHING. I don't know why they even bothered to give me this stuff if they didn't want me usin' it. It's pointless. Mad.
Listens:
1978
Who:
Wheatley
What -what's wrong with being adopted? Um. Well... lack of parents, for one, and... also... furthermore... nothing. Some of my best... friends are... orphans... But...
Listens:
1975
Who:
Wheatley
THEY didn't fly into space, storm a beach, or bring back the gold. No sir, we did! It's you and me against the world, son! I like your grit! Hustle could use some work, though. Now let's solve this thing!
Listens:
1974
Who:
Cave Johnson
Ow. I hate this bird.
Listens:
1970
Who:
GLaDOS
Wait, what if this hurts? What if it REALLY hurts? Ohhh, I didn't think of that.
Listens:
1958
Who:
Wheatley
If I'd known you'd let yourself get captured this easily, I would have just dangled a turkey leg on a rope from the ceiling.
Listens:
1957
Who:
GLaDOS
[cough] As a result, you may have heard we're gonna phase out human testing. There's still a few things left to wrap up, though.
Listens:
1951
Who:
Cave Johnson
Space. Space. Space. Space. Comets. Stars. Galaxies. Orion.
Listens:
1946
Who:
Core 1
Oh, really? Space? Really? You should have said something! We had no idea!
Listens:
1939
Who:
Core 2
We're still doing science sir.
Listens:
1920
Who:
Caroline
Oh. It's you. Go away.
Listens:
1920
Who:
GLaDOS
Now you're thinking with stupidity.
Listens:
1919
Who:
GLaDOS
So much space. Need to see it all.
Listens:
1916
Who:
Core 1
Had a bit of a brain wave. There I was, smashing some steel plates together, and I thought, 'yes, it's deadly. But what's missing? What's missing?' And I thought lots of sharp bits welded onto the flat bits.
Listens:
1905
Who:
Wheatley
'Yes, sir, Mister Johnson...'
Listens:
1894
Who:
GLaDOS
Could you just jump into that pit? There. That deadly pit.
Listens:
1891
Who:
Wheatley
Still, though, let's get mad! If we're going to explode, let's at least explode with some dignity.
Listens:
1888
Who:
GLaDOS
If the Enrichment Center is currently being bombarded with fireballs, meteorites, or other objects from space, please avoid unsheltered testing areas wherever a lack of shelter from space-debris DOES NOT appear to be a deliberate part of the test.
Listens:
1882
Who:
Announcer
Oh oh oh. This is space! I'm in space!
Listens:
1880
Who:
Core 1
I should congratulate you, by the way. I didn't actually think you'd make such a worthy opponent. Weren't you supposed to be brain damaged or something? yeah, brain damaged like a fox.
Listens:
1879
Who:
Wheatley
I'm in space.
Listens:
1878
Who:
Core 1
Do NOT plug that little idiot into MY mainframe.
Listens:
1878
Who:
GLaDOS
Come here, space. I have a secret for you. No, come closer.
Listens:
1874
Who:
Core 1
You know what I have too many of around here? Monitors. I was just thinking earlier today I wish I had fewer monitors that were working. So you're actually helping me by smashing them.
Listens:
1873
Who:
Wheatley
Diamonds are made when coal is put under intense pressure. Diamonds put under intense pressure become foam pellets, commonly used today as packing material.
Listens:
1872
Who:
Core 3
In just a moment, the word 'blah' will be repeated over and over again. If at some point you hear a number rather than the word 'blah', ignore it, it is not important.
Listens:
1865
Who:
GLaDOS
Unknown error
Listens:
1861
Who:
Turret
Stalemate Resolved.
Listens:
1855
Who:
Announcer
Aw. Just thinking back to the old days when we were friends. Good old friends. Not enemies. And I'd say something like 'come back', and you'd be like 'no problem!' And you'd come back. What happened to those days?
Listens:
1844
Who:
Wheatley
This is a bad plan. You will fail.
Listens:
1838
Who:
Core 3
Now she'll argue. She'll say she can't. She's modest like that. But you make her.
Listens:
1835
Who:
Cave Johnson
[humming]
Listens:
1834
Who:
Core 1
You know, being Caroline taught me a valuable lesson. I thought you were my greatest enemy. When all along you were my best friend.
Listens:
1832
Who:
GLaDOS
This would go a lot faster if you'd stay still. Then I'd have time to fix the facility. So one of us at least would live. No need to be selfish, luv, you're gonna die.
Listens:
1830
Who:
Wheatley
Oh! But when I DO test... ohhhhh, man alive! Nothing feels better. It's just... why I've gotta test, I've gotta test!
Listens:
1827
Who:
Wheatley
Oh thank god, you're alright.
Listens:
1826
Who:
GLaDOS
Good. If you feel that a lethal military android has not respected your rights as detailed in the Laws of Robotics, please note it on your self-reporting form. A future Aperture Science Entitlement Associate will initiate the appropriate grievance-filing paperwork.
Listens:
1824
Who:
Announcer
That's not funny.
Listens:
1808
Who:
GLaDOS
Edmund Hillary, the first person to climb Mount Everest, did so accidentally while chasing a bird.
Listens:
1799
Who:
Core 3
Alright, so, silent contemplation it is. Mysterious button... Sorry. Sorry. Silence. Do not speak. In the silence. Let the silence descend. Here it comes. One hundred percent silence. From now. By the way, if you come up with any ideas, do flag them up. Don't feel you have to stay quiet because I've said absolute silence. So if you come up with an idea, mention it. Otherwise, absolute silence starting... Now.
Listens:
1797
Who:
Wheatley
First up, conversion gel. [cough]
Listens:
1793
Who:
Cave Johnson
Excellent. Although great science is always the result of collaboration, keep in mind that, like Albert Einstein and his cousin Terry, history will only remember one of you.
Listens:
1793
Who:
GLaDOS
Not you, test subject, you're doing fine.
Listens:
1785
Who:
Cave Johnson
Blue
Listens:
1783
Who:
GLaDOS
I honestly, TRULY didn't think you'd fall for that.
Listens:
1782
Who:
GLaDOS
In case you are worried about the humans, don't be. They aren't all monsters.
Listens:
1778
Who:
GLaDOS
I did this! Tiny little Wheatley did this!
Listens:
1777
Who:
Wheatley
Mister Johnson
Listens:
1772
Who:
Caroline
*I* have to go to the wing that was made entirely of glass and pick up fifteen acres of broken glass. By myself.
Listens:
1772
Who:
GLaDOS
That's funny, I don't feel corrupt. In fact, I feel pretty good.
Listens:
1767
Who:
GLaDOS
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
1762
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh, it will. Believe me, it will.
Listens:
1754
Who:
GLaDOS
Space. Space.
Listens:
1753
Who:
Core 1
Aw. Bless your little primate brain. I'm not actually in the room with you. Am I? Technology. It's complicated. Can't hurt the big god face.
Listens:
1750
Who:
Wheatley
This next test involves turrets. You remember them, right? They're the pale spherical things that are full of bullets. Oh wait. That's you in five seconds. Good luck.
Listens:
1745
Who:
GLaDOS
Don't press that button. You don't know what you're doing.
Listens:
1738
Who:
GLaDOS
She's the backbone of this facility. Pretty as a postcard, too. Sorry, fellas. She's married. To science.
Listens:
1735
Who:
Cave Johnson
Earth.
Listens:
1728
Who:
Core 1
5000 point penalty! Are you happy now?
Listens:
1728
Who:
GLaDOS
Let me answer those questions with a question: Who wants to make sixty dollars? Cash.
Listens:
1727
Who:
Cave Johnson
This time is OUR time.
Listens:
1711
Who:
Defective Turret
Whales are twice as intelligent, and three times as delicious, as humans.
Listens:
1710
Who:
Core 3
Look - metal ball, I CAN hear you.
Listens:
1709
Who:
GLaDOS
NNGH! It's not enough! If I'm such a moron, why can't you solve a simple test?
Listens:
1709
Who:
Wheatley
So that's a complete reassembly. New vitals. Spit-shine on the old ones. Plus we're scooping out tumors. Frankly, you oughtta be paying us.
Listens:
1708
Who:
Cave Johnson
Failure...
Listens:
1701
Who:
Turret
Right. Now, you might be asking yourself, 'Cave, just how difficult are these tests? What was in that phone book of a contract I signed? Am I in danger?'
Listens:
1700
Who:
Cave Johnson
Hello there!
Listens:
1688
Who:
Defective Turret
Oh shut up!
Listens:
1687
Who:
Core 2
Space!
Listens:
1667
Who:
Core 1
Uh oh. You're stranded. Let's see if the cube will try to help you escape. Actually, so that we're not here all day, I'll just cut to the chase: It won't. Any feelings you think it has for you are simply byproducts of your sad, empty life.
Listens:
1666
Who:
GLaDOS
All right. We're working on a little teleportation experiment. Now, this doesn't work with all skin types, so try to remember which skin is yours, and if it doesn't teleport along with you, we'll do what we can to sew you right back into it.
Listens:
1665
Who:
Cave Johnson
In 1862, Abraham Lincoln signed the Emancipation Proclamation, freeing the slaves. Like everything he did, Lincoln freed the slaves while sleepwalking, and later had no memory of the event.
Listens:
1664
Who:
Core 3
Turret redemption lines active.
Listens:
1660
Who:
Announcer
Not interested in anything else. Don't TOUCH anything else. Don't even LOOK at anything else, just--well, obviously you've got to look at everything else to find ESCAPE POD, but as soon as you've looked at something and it doesn't say ESCAPE POD, look at something else, look at the next thing. Alright? But don't touch anything else or look at any--well, look at other things, but don't... you understand.
Listens:
1657
Who:
Wheatley
This is just getting embarrassing.
Listens:
1656
Who:
Defective Turret
In case you're interested, there's still some positions available for that bonus opportunity I mentioned earlier. Again: all you gotta do is let us disassemble you. We're not banging rocks together here. We know how to put a man back together.
Listens:
1655
Who:
Cave Johnson
Sentry mode activated
Listens:
1653
Who:
Turret
Ah!
Listens:
1651
Who:
Core 1
And whose fault do you think it's going to be when the management comes down here and finds ten thousand flipping vegetables?
Listens:
1650
Who:
Wheatley
Ba! Ba! Ba ba ba! Space!
Listens:
1648
Who:
Core 1
Die!
Listens:
1644
Who:
Defective Turret
Well. This is the part where he kills us.
Listens:
1640
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh! I've just had one idea, which is that I could pretend to her that I've captured you, and give you over and she'll kill you, but I could... go on living. What's your view on that?
Listens:
1640
Who:
Wheatley
How can you fail at this? It isn't even a test.
Listens:
1639
Who:
GLaDOS
Hell, put her in my computer. I don't care.
Listens:
1636
Who:
Cave Johnson
Good. Now please return to your bed.
Listens:
1632
Who:
Announcer
I thought you'd be faster at this, but I can appreciate the desire to stop and smell the testing. That other scent you smell? That's the stench of my utter disappointment in you.
Listens:
1627
Who:
GLaDOS
AHHHHHHHHH!
Listens:
1623
Who:
Turret
(excited gasps)
Listens:
1621
Who:
Core 1
That said, I would really appreciate it if you could test as fast as possible. Caroline, please bring me more pain pills.
Listens:
1620
Who:
Cave Johnson
Dispensing product
Listens:
1616
Who:
Turret
00:00 / 00:00
Test Player
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