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Portal 2
Portal 2 DLC
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Portal 1 Music
Team Fortress 2
TF2 Music
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Noooooo!
Listens:
2030
Who:
Turret
The portal will open and emergency testing will begin in three. Two. One.
Listens:
2028
Who:
Announcer
Great job, astronaut, war hero, and/or Olympian! With your help, we're gonna [tape cuts out]
Listens:
2020
Who:
Cave Johnson
In Victorian England, a commoner was not allowed to look directly at the Queen, due to a belief at the time that the poor had the ability to steal thoughts. Science now believes that less than 4% of poor people are able to do this.
Listens:
2019
Who:
Core 3
It was YOUR voice.
Listens:
2015
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh for... They told me if I ever turned this flashlight on, I would DIE. They told me that about EVERYTHING. I don't know why they even bothered to give me this stuff if they didn't want me usin' it. It's pointless. Mad.
Listens:
2011
Who:
Wheatley
Here we go! Now do it again!
Listens:
2004
Who:
Wheatley
Humans must have some purpose other than a place to store your neurotoxin. Something I failed to notice before, an intangible quality that makes their test results... significant.
Listens:
2000
Who:
GLaDOS
Good, that's still working.
Listens:
1992
Who:
GLaDOS
Blah.
Listens:
1991
Who:
GLaDOS
Ow. I hate this bird.
Listens:
1991
Who:
GLaDOS
Wait, what if this hurts? What if it REALLY hurts? Ohhh, I didn't think of that.
Listens:
1987
Who:
Wheatley
THEY didn't fly into space, storm a beach, or bring back the gold. No sir, we did! It's you and me against the world, son! I like your grit! Hustle could use some work, though. Now let's solve this thing!
Listens:
1985
Who:
Cave Johnson
Space. Space. Space. Space. Comets. Stars. Galaxies. Orion.
Listens:
1968
Who:
Core 1
If I'd known you'd let yourself get captured this easily, I would have just dangled a turkey leg on a rope from the ceiling.
Listens:
1965
Who:
GLaDOS
[cough] As a result, you may have heard we're gonna phase out human testing. There's still a few things left to wrap up, though.
Listens:
1960
Who:
Cave Johnson
Oh, really? Space? Really? You should have said something! We had no idea!
Listens:
1959
Who:
Core 2
Sentry mode activated
Listens:
1945
Who:
Turret
Oh. It's you. Go away.
Listens:
1944
Who:
GLaDOS
Now you're thinking with stupidity.
Listens:
1944
Who:
GLaDOS
We're still doing science sir.
Listens:
1938
Who:
Caroline
Had a bit of a brain wave. There I was, smashing some steel plates together, and I thought, 'yes, it's deadly. But what's missing? What's missing?' And I thought lots of sharp bits welded onto the flat bits.
Listens:
1935
Who:
Wheatley
Could you just jump into that pit? There. That deadly pit.
Listens:
1926
Who:
Wheatley
So much space. Need to see it all.
Listens:
1918
Who:
Core 1
Still, though, let's get mad! If we're going to explode, let's at least explode with some dignity.
Listens:
1914
Who:
GLaDOS
If the Enrichment Center is currently being bombarded with fireballs, meteorites, or other objects from space, please avoid unsheltered testing areas wherever a lack of shelter from space-debris DOES NOT appear to be a deliberate part of the test.
Listens:
1908
Who:
Announcer
'Yes, sir, Mister Johnson...'
Listens:
1908
Who:
GLaDOS
Diamonds are made when coal is put under intense pressure. Diamonds put under intense pressure become foam pellets, commonly used today as packing material.
Listens:
1902
Who:
Core 3
In just a moment, the word 'blah' will be repeated over and over again. If at some point you hear a number rather than the word 'blah', ignore it, it is not important.
Listens:
1901
Who:
GLaDOS
I should congratulate you, by the way. I didn't actually think you'd make such a worthy opponent. Weren't you supposed to be brain damaged or something? yeah, brain damaged like a fox.
Listens:
1901
Who:
Wheatley
Do NOT plug that little idiot into MY mainframe.
Listens:
1900
Who:
GLaDOS
Come here, space. I have a secret for you. No, come closer.
Listens:
1887
Who:
Core 1
You know what I have too many of around here? Monitors. I was just thinking earlier today I wish I had fewer monitors that were working. So you're actually helping me by smashing them.
Listens:
1886
Who:
Wheatley
I'm in space.
Listens:
1882
Who:
Core 1
Oh oh oh. This is space! I'm in space!
Listens:
1882
Who:
Core 1
Stalemate Resolved.
Listens:
1881
Who:
Announcer
Unknown error
Listens:
1881
Who:
Turret
Now she'll argue. She'll say she can't. She's modest like that. But you make her.
Listens:
1866
Who:
Cave Johnson
Aw. Just thinking back to the old days when we were friends. Good old friends. Not enemies. And I'd say something like 'come back', and you'd be like 'no problem!' And you'd come back. What happened to those days?
Listens:
1864
Who:
Wheatley
Good. If you feel that a lethal military android has not respected your rights as detailed in the Laws of Robotics, please note it on your self-reporting form. A future Aperture Science Entitlement Associate will initiate the appropriate grievance-filing paperwork.
Listens:
1859
Who:
Announcer
This is a bad plan. You will fail.
Listens:
1853
Who:
Core 3
You know, being Caroline taught me a valuable lesson. I thought you were my greatest enemy. When all along you were my best friend.
Listens:
1847
Who:
GLaDOS
*I* have to go to the wing that was made entirely of glass and pick up fifteen acres of broken glass. By myself.
Listens:
1845
Who:
GLaDOS
This would go a lot faster if you'd stay still. Then I'd have time to fix the facility. So one of us at least would live. No need to be selfish, luv, you're gonna die.
Listens:
1845
Who:
Wheatley
Oh! But when I DO test... ohhhhh, man alive! Nothing feels better. It's just... why I've gotta test, I've gotta test!
Listens:
1841
Who:
Wheatley
Excellent. Although great science is always the result of collaboration, keep in mind that, like Albert Einstein and his cousin Terry, history will only remember one of you.
Listens:
1838
Who:
GLaDOS
[humming]
Listens:
1836
Who:
Core 1
Oh thank god, you're alright.
Listens:
1836
Who:
GLaDOS
That's not funny.
Listens:
1835
Who:
GLaDOS
That's funny, I don't feel corrupt. In fact, I feel pretty good.
Listens:
1823
Who:
GLaDOS
I honestly, TRULY didn't think you'd fall for that.
Listens:
1817
Who:
GLaDOS
Alright, so, silent contemplation it is. Mysterious button... Sorry. Sorry. Silence. Do not speak. In the silence. Let the silence descend. Here it comes. One hundred percent silence. From now. By the way, if you come up with any ideas, do flag them up. Don't feel you have to stay quiet because I've said absolute silence. So if you come up with an idea, mention it. Otherwise, absolute silence starting... Now.
Listens:
1814
Who:
Wheatley
First up, conversion gel. [cough]
Listens:
1812
Who:
Cave Johnson
Not you, test subject, you're doing fine.
Listens:
1806
Who:
Cave Johnson
Edmund Hillary, the first person to climb Mount Everest, did so accidentally while chasing a bird.
Listens:
1806
Who:
Core 3
I did this! Tiny little Wheatley did this!
Listens:
1803
Who:
Wheatley
Blue
Listens:
1802
Who:
GLaDOS
Mister Johnson
Listens:
1789
Who:
Caroline
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
1785
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh, it will. Believe me, it will.
Listens:
1784
Who:
GLaDOS
In case you are worried about the humans, don't be. They aren't all monsters.
Listens:
1784
Who:
GLaDOS
Let me answer those questions with a question: Who wants to make sixty dollars? Cash.
Listens:
1771
Who:
Cave Johnson
Aw. Bless your little primate brain. I'm not actually in the room with you. Am I? Technology. It's complicated. Can't hurt the big god face.
Listens:
1770
Who:
Wheatley
She's the backbone of this facility. Pretty as a postcard, too. Sorry, fellas. She's married. To science.
Listens:
1768
Who:
Cave Johnson
Space. Space.
Listens:
1763
Who:
Core 1
This next test involves turrets. You remember them, right? They're the pale spherical things that are full of bullets. Oh wait. That's you in five seconds. Good luck.
Listens:
1763
Who:
GLaDOS
Don't press that button. You don't know what you're doing.
Listens:
1758
Who:
GLaDOS
Look - metal ball, I CAN hear you.
Listens:
1758
Who:
GLaDOS
5000 point penalty! Are you happy now?
Listens:
1753
Who:
GLaDOS
NNGH! It's not enough! If I'm such a moron, why can't you solve a simple test?
Listens:
1746
Who:
Wheatley
Earth.
Listens:
1733
Who:
Core 1
Right. Now, you might be asking yourself, 'Cave, just how difficult are these tests? What was in that phone book of a contract I signed? Am I in danger?'
Listens:
1732
Who:
Cave Johnson
So that's a complete reassembly. New vitals. Spit-shine on the old ones. Plus we're scooping out tumors. Frankly, you oughtta be paying us.
Listens:
1716
Who:
Cave Johnson
This time is OUR time.
Listens:
1714
Who:
Defective Turret
Whales are twice as intelligent, and three times as delicious, as humans.
Listens:
1712
Who:
Core 3
Failure...
Listens:
1709
Who:
Turret
Hello there!
Listens:
1708
Who:
Defective Turret
Oh shut up!
Listens:
1701
Who:
Core 2
Uh oh. You're stranded. Let's see if the cube will try to help you escape. Actually, so that we're not here all day, I'll just cut to the chase: It won't. Any feelings you think it has for you are simply byproducts of your sad, empty life.
Listens:
1695
Who:
GLaDOS
Turret redemption lines active.
Listens:
1694
Who:
Announcer
Well. This is the part where he kills us.
Listens:
1680
Who:
GLaDOS
And whose fault do you think it's going to be when the management comes down here and finds ten thousand flipping vegetables?
Listens:
1680
Who:
Wheatley
All right. We're working on a little teleportation experiment. Now, this doesn't work with all skin types, so try to remember which skin is yours, and if it doesn't teleport along with you, we'll do what we can to sew you right back into it.
Listens:
1676
Who:
Cave Johnson
In 1862, Abraham Lincoln signed the Emancipation Proclamation, freeing the slaves. Like everything he did, Lincoln freed the slaves while sleepwalking, and later had no memory of the event.
Listens:
1676
Who:
Core 3
In case you're interested, there's still some positions available for that bonus opportunity I mentioned earlier. Again: all you gotta do is let us disassemble you. We're not banging rocks together here. We know how to put a man back together.
Listens:
1674
Who:
Cave Johnson
Space!
Listens:
1669
Who:
Core 1
Ba! Ba! Ba ba ba! Space!
Listens:
1666
Who:
Core 1
Die!
Listens:
1666
Who:
Defective Turret
Not interested in anything else. Don't TOUCH anything else. Don't even LOOK at anything else, just--well, obviously you've got to look at everything else to find ESCAPE POD, but as soon as you've looked at something and it doesn't say ESCAPE POD, look at something else, look at the next thing. Alright? But don't touch anything else or look at any--well, look at other things, but don't... you understand.
Listens:
1665
Who:
Wheatley
This is just getting embarrassing.
Listens:
1661
Who:
Defective Turret
How can you fail at this? It isn't even a test.
Listens:
1658
Who:
GLaDOS
Ah!
Listens:
1656
Who:
Core 1
Oh! I've just had one idea, which is that I could pretend to her that I've captured you, and give you over and she'll kill you, but I could... go on living. What's your view on that?
Listens:
1655
Who:
Wheatley
Dispensing product
Listens:
1651
Who:
Turret
Good. Now please return to your bed.
Listens:
1650
Who:
Announcer
I thought you'd be faster at this, but I can appreciate the desire to stop and smell the testing. That other scent you smell? That's the stench of my utter disappointment in you.
Listens:
1648
Who:
GLaDOS
Hell, put her in my computer. I don't care.
Listens:
1643
Who:
Cave Johnson
The end.
Listens:
1638
Who:
GLaDOS
Alternate core detected.
Listens:
1636
Who:
Announcer
AHHHHHHHHH!
Listens:
1634
Who:
Turret
00:00 / 00:00
Test Player
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