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Portal 2
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That poster! Go look at it for a second, would you?
Listens:
588
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh no. He found the cooperative testing initiative. It's... something I came up to phase out human testing just before you escaped.
Listens:
588
Who:
GLaDOS
I love it too. There's just one small thing we need to take care of first.
Listens:
586
Who:
GLaDOS
Don't worry I'm absolutely guaranteeing you 100 percent that it's this way... Oh it's not this way.
Listens:
586
Who:
Wheatley
I don't want you to beat yourselves up about this, but the Results Auditor isn't recording your test results. Because you're not human. Which, when you think about it, is technically your fault.
Listens:
585
Who:
GLaDOS
The average life expectancy of a rhinoceros in captivity is 15 years.
Listens:
584
Who:
Core 3
To reiterate: This is not a competition.
Listens:
584
Who:
GLaDOS
And check this out! I'm a bloody genius now!
Listens:
584
Who:
Wheatley
Hey! Pick me up!
Listens:
584
Who:
Wheatley
'Hang ten?' That might work if there were ten of him. Do you think there might be nine more of this guy somewhere?
Listens:
583
Who:
Core 2
Good Job.
Listens:
583
Who:
GLaDOS
Congratulations. You're upside down now.
Listens:
583
Who:
GLaDOS
I'll bet you think I forgot about your surprise. I didn't. In fact, we're headed to your surprise right now. After all these years. I'm getting choked up just thinking about it.
Listens:
583
Who:
GLaDOS
AH!
Listens:
583
Who:
Wheatley
Anyone got any bullets?
Listens:
581
Who:
Defective Turret
Yeah! Let's do this!
Listens:
581
Who:
Defective Turret
Lady.
Listens:
580
Who:
Core 1
Get going. I'll fill you in along the way.
Listens:
580
Who:
GLaDOS
Hey.
Listens:
578
Who:
Core 1
The occupation of court jester was invented accidentally, when a vassal's epilepsy was mistaken for capering.
Listens:
578
Who:
Core 3
So I just wanted to give you the chance to kill yourself now. Before you get to the lair. Just, you know, jump into the masher there. Less a death trap and more a death option for you.
Listens:
578
Who:
Wheatley
Lady.
Listens:
577
Who:
Core 1
Hot water freezes quicker than cold water.
Listens:
576
Who:
Core 3
Where are you going? Don't run! Don't run! I'll tell you why you shouldn't run: The harder you breathe, the more neurotoxin you'll inhale. It's bloody clever, this stuff. Seriously, it's devilish.
Listens:
576
Who:
Wheatley
Oh! That's ME they're talking about!
Listens:
573
Who:
Wheatley
It's not, though.
Listens:
572
Who:
GLaDOS
BLUE, please use your ping tool to select your favorite animal.
Listens:
572
Who:
GLaDOS
Laughs at own jokes. What a bore.
Listens:
572
Who:
GLaDOS
Don't forget! Thorn! Side!
Listens:
571
Who:
Core 2
Stop touching each other!
Listens:
571
Who:
GLaDOS
Ohp! Where are you going? Nowhere. Not going anywhere. Got you trapped like a little jumpsuited rat.
Listens:
571
Who:
Wheatley
This next test may result in your death. If you want to know what that's like, think back to that time you killed me, and substitute yourself for me.
Listens:
569
Who:
GLaDOS
Okay, that's long enough. Are you dead yet? How about now?
Listens:
569
Who:
Wheatley
This isn't fair!
Listens:
569
Who:
Defective Turret
Polymerase I polypeptide A is a human gene.
Listens:
567
Who:
Core 3
No!
Listens:
566
Who:
Wheatley
Oh no. Change of plans. Hold onto me. Tighter!
Listens:
566
Who:
Wheatley
Hold on! I thought I fixed that.
Listens:
565
Who:
Wheatley
Oh! Brilliant, thank you, great.
Listens:
565
Who:
Wheatley
Dang.
Listens:
565
Who:
Defective Turret
clickclickclick
Listens:
565
Who:
Defective Turret
That's it. Scan it for me.
Listens:
564
Who:
GLaDOS
Can't help but notice you're not coming back. Which is disappointing.
Listens:
564
Who:
Wheatley
Even humans, as stupid as they are, would say you look stupid when you do that.
Listens:
562
Who:
GLaDOS
To celebrate, I have a surprise for you!
Listens:
561
Who:
GLaDOS
I consider that a failing, by the way.
Listens:
560
Who:
GLaDOS
Just stop it already.
Listens:
560
Who:
GLaDOS
Well. Have fun soaring through the air without a care in the world.
Listens:
560
Who:
GLaDOS
Okay, I'm about to start hacking. It's a little more complicated than it looked from your side. It should take about ten minutes. Keep one eye on the door.
Listens:
560
Who:
Wheatley
So go ahead and jump. What's the worst that could happen? Oh. Oh wait, I just now thought of the worst thing. Oh! I just thought of something even worse. Alright. New, better plan: no imagining of any potential outcomes whatsoever. Just jump, into the abyss, there, and let's see what happens.
Listens:
559
Who:
Wheatley
In fact, I devised a much more elaborate trap further ahead, for when you got through this easy one.
Listens:
558
Who:
GLaDOS
Come on, you've already solved it.
Listens:
558
Who:
Wheatley
If we're lucky, she won't find out all her turrets are crap until it's too late. [laughs] Classic.
Listens:
557
Who:
Wheatley
Are they killing you? They're killing you, aren't they?
Listens:
556
Who:
Wheatley
Don't do it.
Listens:
555
Who:
GLaDOS
But the important thing is you're back. With me. And now I'm onto all your little tricks. So there's nothing to stop us from testing for the rest of your life.
Listens:
555
Who:
GLaDOS
The masher does work. I should point that out. I know we've had a couple of problems in the past. This masher definitely works and it will kill you. If that's one of your concerns about jumping in, the masher will kill you. Painless. Well, it won't be painless, obviously. But it will mash you up.
Listens:
555
Who:
Wheatley
Oh, come on, you guys!
Listens:
555
Who:
Defective Turret
Oh, I almost forgot, when you go outside the testing courses the only way I can retrieve you is to violently disassemble and then carefully reassemble you.
Listens:
554
Who:
GLaDOS
Welcome back quitters, maybe you can find another course for you to fail.
Listens:
554
Who:
GLaDOS
No! I'm not listening! I'm not listening!
Listens:
553
Who:
Wheatley
To your left... you'll see some lights of some kind. Don't know what they do. But very sciencey anyway.
Listens:
553
Who:
Wheatley
Honey does not spoil.
Listens:
552
Who:
Core 3
Orange is first to acquire a Portal Device.
Listens:
552
Who:
GLaDOS
Didn't even get to the good part yet. Twist ending.
Listens:
552
Who:
Wheatley
Hey, just in case this pit isn't actually bottomless, do you think maybe you could unstrap one of those long fall boots of yours and shove me into it?
Listens:
551
Who:
GLaDOS
Every square inch of the human body has 32 million bacteria on it.
Listens:
550
Who:
Core 3
Fine, 500 point penalty for Orange.
Listens:
550
Who:
GLaDOS
I'll be honest: The death traps have been a bit of a failure so far. For both of us. I think you'll agree. And you are getting very close to my lair.
Listens:
550
Who:
Wheatley
Blue! Orange has always been my favorite.
Listens:
549
Who:
GLaDOS
See nothing bad happened.
Listens:
549
Who:
GLaDOS
Don't you DARE plug him in.
Listens:
549
Who:
GLaDOS
Whoa-ho-ho! Would you look at this. Not too bad, eh? Giant robot. Massive! It's not just me, right? I'm bloody massive, aren't I?
Listens:
549
Who:
Wheatley
This is the Computer Intelligence Training and Enrichment Center Human Test Subject Research Center or SinTech.
Listens:
548
Who:
GLaDOS
Almost there! Remember: you're looking for a gun that makes holes. Not bullet holes, but-- well, you'll figure it out. Really do hold on this time!
Listens:
548
Who:
Wheatley
I forbid you to press it!
Listens:
547
Who:
Wheatley
Hey! How's it going! I talked my way onto the nanobot work crew rebuilding this shaft. They are REALLY small, so -ah - I KNOW, Jerry. No, I'm on BREAK, mate. On a break.
Listens:
547
Who:
Wheatley
Okay. Plan B, subsection one: Stand still so I can bring you back.
Listens:
546
Who:
GLaDOS
Okay... that's probably correct. But where it is incorrect is while I've been stalling you WE JUST PRESSED THE BUTTON! USE THE MOMENT OF CONFUSION I'VE JUST CREATED TO PRESS THE BUTTON!
Listens:
546
Who:
Wheatley
Yes.
Listens:
544
Who:
GLaDOS
Was. Was self-destructing. Already fixed.
Listens:
542
Who:
Wheatley
You only failed
Listens:
541
Who:
GLaDOS
Reactions?
Listens:
540
Who:
GLaDOS
Remember when I first told you how to find that little portal thing you love so much? Thought you'd die on the way, if I'm honest. All the others did.
Listens:
540
Who:
Wheatley
What a horrible little machine.
Listens:
539
Who:
GLaDOS
Pshh. Really? And do what, exactly?
Listens:
538
Who:
Wheatley
Did something break back there?
Listens:
538
Who:
Wheatley
I'm guessing this wasn't one of the scientist's children. I don't want to be snobby, but let's be honest: It's got manual laborer written all over it. I'm not saying they're not as good as the professionals. They're just a lot dumber.
Listens:
538
Who:
Wheatley
Please wave to your partner.
Listens:
537
Who:
GLaDOS
Come on. Ohhhh. Hit me with it.
Listens:
537
Who:
Wheatley
Woooo! I KNEW this would be fun. They told me it wasn't fun at all, and I BELIEVED 'em! Ah! I'm loving this! Whale of a time...
Listens:
537
Who:
Wheatley
Canvassing
Listens:
537
Who:
Turret
Done! Hacked!
Listens:
535
Who:
Wheatley
Woah! Where are we? How long have I been out?
Listens:
533
Who:
GLaDOS
I thought of another great thing about humans. You invented us. Giving us the opportunity to let you relax while we invented everything else. We couldn't have done any of that without you. Classy. If you don't mind me saying.
Listens:
533
Who:
Wheatley
Hey wait wait wait wait wait wait!
Listens:
533
Who:
Defective Turret
Human tapeworms can grow up to twenty-two point nine meters.
Listens:
531
Who:
Core 3
How are you? How you feeling? Wait. Don't answer that. Too much deep relaxation, what it does is it relaxes the gums. And the vibrations from talking -- on a rare occasion -- can make all of your teeth fall out of your head.
Listens:
531
Who:
Wheatley
Well done. In the event that oxygen is no longer available in the Enrichment Center, an auxiliary air supply will be provided to you by an Aperture Science Test Associate, if one exists.
Listens:
530
Who:
GLaDOS
Uh oh.
Listens:
530
Who:
Wheatley
00:00 / 00:00
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