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Portal 2
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TF2 Music
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That said, I would really appreciate it if you could test as fast as possible. Caroline, please bring me more pain pills.
Listens:
1569
Who:
Cave Johnson
Or maybe he still is, in which case, wow, that's kind of sad.
Listens:
1567
Who:
GLaDOS
Dispensing product
Listens:
1567
Who:
Turret
Blah.
Listens:
1564
Who:
GLaDOS
Okay, you know what? That's close enough. Just hold tight.
Listens:
1563
Who:
Wheatley
Hey! It's me!
Listens:
1563
Who:
Turret
And whose fault do you think it's going to be when the management comes down here and finds ten thousand flipping vegetables?
Listens:
1560
Who:
Wheatley
Well. This is the part where he kills us.
Listens:
1558
Who:
GLaDOS
Aw... hates Mondays.
Listens:
1554
Who:
GLaDOS
I thought you'd be faster at this, but I can appreciate the desire to stop and smell the testing. That other scent you smell? That's the stench of my utter disappointment in you.
Listens:
1549
Who:
GLaDOS
Yes sir, Mister Johnson.
Listens:
1548
Who:
Caroline
The likelihood of you dying within the next five minutes is eighty-seven point six one percent.
Listens:
1546
Who:
Core 3
There's a star. There's another one. Star. Star star star. Star.
Listens:
1545
Who:
Core 1
It is incorrectly noted that Thomas Edison invented 'push-ups' in 1878. Nikolai Tesla had in fact patented the activity three years earlier, under the name 'Tesla-cize.'
Listens:
1543
Who:
Core 3
The scientists were always hanging cores on me to regulate my behavior. I've heard voices all my life. But now I hear the voice of a conscience, and it's terrifying, because for the first time it's my voice.
Listens:
1540
Who:
GLaDOS
Alternate core detected.
Listens:
1539
Who:
Announcer
Look at that, it's growing right up into the ceiling. The whole place is probably overrun with potatoes at this point. At least you won't starve, though.
Listens:
1537
Who:
Wheatley
Nooooooooo...
Listens:
1537
Who:
Defective Turret
If you're interested in an additional sixty dollars, flag down a test associate and let 'em know. You could walk out of here with a hundred and twenty weighing down your bindle if you let us take you apart, put some science stuff in you, then put you back together good as new.
Listens:
1533
Who:
Cave Johnson
I was going to kill you fast. With bullets. Or neurotoxin. But if you're going to pull stunts like this, it doesn't have to be fast. So you know. I'll take my time.
Listens:
1531
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh my god. What has he done to this place?
Listens:
1531
Who:
GLaDOS
You look great, by the way. Very healthy.
Listens:
1528
Who:
GLaDOS
Are we in space yet? What's the hold-up? Gotta go to space. Gotta go to SPACE.
Listens:
1525
Who:
Core 1
Look - metal ball, I CAN hear you.
Listens:
1520
Who:
GLaDOS
Did my hint help? It did, didn't it? You know, if any of our supervisors had been immune to neurotoxin, they'd be FURIOUS with us right now.
Listens:
1520
Who:
GLaDOS
You know, deleting Caroline just now taught me a valuable lesson. The best solution to a problem is usually the easiest one. And I'll be honest.
Listens:
1518
Who:
GLaDOS
If you're hearing this, it means you're taking a long time on the catwalks between tests. The lab boys say that might be a fear reaction.
Listens:
1516
Who:
Cave Johnson
If you feel liquid running down your neck, relax, lie on your back, and apply immediate pressure to your temples.
Listens:
1515
Who:
Announcer
Anyway, new turrets. Not defective. Ace of fours. The best hand. Unbeatable, I imagine.
Listens:
1515
Who:
Wheatley
So I've been thinking: We need humans for these tests. And since the only human within a thousand miles of us is a test-ruining sociopath... I'll just have to MAKE some.
Listens:
1502
Who:
GLaDOS
In 1948, at the request of a dying boy, baseball legend Babe Ruth ate seventy-five hot dogs, then died of hot dog poisoning.
Listens:
1499
Who:
Core 3
As you can see, in my version the man points out to the cat that the house is equipped with deadly neurotoxin dispensers.
Listens:
1488
Who:
GLaDOS
Congratulations! The simple fact that you're standing here listening to me means you've made a glorious contribution to science.
Listens:
1487
Who:
Cave Johnson
Look, an eclipse! No. Don't look.
Listens:
1483
Who:
Core 1
You know what, this plan is so good, I'm going to give you a sporting chance and turn off the neurotoxin. I'm joking. Of course. Goodbye.
Listens:
1483
Who:
Wheatley
Oh. Sorry. I was just thinking of all the ways humans can die.
Listens:
1478
Who:
GLaDOS
Alright, can't blame me for trying. Okay... New tests, new tests... there's gotta be some tests around here somewhere.
Listens:
1472
Who:
Wheatley
During the Great Depression, the Tennessee Valley Authority outlawed pet rabbits, forcing many to hot glue-gun long ears onto their pet mice.
Listens:
1461
Who:
Core 3
Hey lady.
Listens:
1459
Who:
Core 1
Ohh. You're gonna laugh at this. You know how I said there was absolutely no way to get here without going through her lair and her potentially killing us? Could have gone through here. [laughs] My fault. Bit of luck for us that she wasn't switched on.
Listens:
1459
Who:
Wheatley
At the time of this recording, Federal disclosure policies require us to inform you that this next test is probably lethal and to redirect you to a safer test environment.
Listens:
1458
Who:
Announcer
Blah.
Listens:
1441
Who:
GLaDOS
I don't want to scare you, but, I'm an Adventure Sphere. Designed for danger. So, why don't you go ahead and have yourself a little lady break, and I'll just take it from here.
Listens:
1440
Who:
Core 2
Ahhh... Wha- What happened?
Listens:
1438
Who:
Wheatley
Hello? Can you--can you pick me up, please?
Listens:
1428
Who:
Wheatley
Still a work in progress, don't judge me yet. Eventually I'd like to get them to sort of shoot fire at you, moments before crushing you. That's what I'm aiming for. But you know, small steps.
Listens:
1427
Who:
Wheatley
For this next test, we put nanoparticles in the gel. In layman's terms, that's a billion little gizmos that are gonna travel into your bloodstream and pump experimental genes and RNA molecules and so forth into your tumors.
Listens:
1426
Who:
Cave Johnson
[sigh] Don't tell anyone about this.
Listens:
1418
Who:
Defective Turret
If cube- and button-based testing caused this emergency, don't worry. The odds of this happening twice are very slim.
Listens:
1414
Who:
Announcer
I wouldn't have warned you about this before, back when we hated each other. But those turrets are firing real bullets. So look out. I'd hate for something tragic to happen to you before I extract all your bone marrow.
Listens:
1414
Who:
GLaDOS
We're so close! Go press the button!
Listens:
1411
Who:
GLaDOS
The likelihood of you dying violently within the next five minutes is eighty-seven point six one percent.
Listens:
1410
Who:
Core 3
Killing you? Is hard.
Listens:
1408
Who:
GLaDOS
At which point the cat reflects on the time he ate all of the man's lasagna and feels remorse.
Listens:
1406
Who:
GLaDOS
Contrary to popular belief, the Eskimo does not have one hundred different words for snow. They do, however, have two hundred and thirty-four words for fudge.
Listens:
1405
Who:
Core 3
Oops. You trapped yourself. I guess that's it then. Thanks for testing. You may as well lie down and get acclimated to the being dead position.
Listens:
1403
Who:
GLaDOS
Again, those are science collaboration points, which you should not confuse with points from competitions such as Who-Gets-To-Live-At-The-End-And-Who-Doesn’t. I mean basketball.
Listens:
1402
Who:
GLaDOS
Corrupted core, are you ready to start the procedure?
Listens:
1400
Who:
Announcer
Do hear that? That's the sound of the neurotoxin emitters emitting neurotoxin.
Listens:
1400
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh, I like this guy.
Listens:
1394
Who:
GLaDOS
GAAAA!
Listens:
1393
Who:
Wheatley
Now than, let's see what we got here. Ah! 'Reactor Core Emergency Heat Venting Protocols.' That's the problem right there, isn't it? 'Emergency'. You don't want to see 'emergency' flashing at you. Never good that, is it? Right. DELETE.
Listens:
1391
Who:
Wheatley
I went and spoke with the door mainframe. Let's just say he won't be... well, living anymore. Anyway, back to testing.
Listens:
1390
Who:
GLaDOS
Space space space. Going. Going there. Okay. I love you, space.
Listens:
1385
Who:
Core 1
Mr. Johnson...
Listens:
1380
Who:
Caroline
Ahh!
Listens:
1380
Who:
Turret
New template accepted.
Listens:
1375
Who:
Announcer
Owwwww!
Listens:
1373
Who:
Turret
You're not going to believe this. I found a sealed off wing. Hundreds - HUNDREDS! - of perfectly good test chambers. Just sitting there. Filled with skeletons. Shook them out. Good as new!
Listens:
1372
Who:
Wheatley
Oh, that felt really good.
Listens:
1371
Who:
Wheatley
Hello? Can y--no?
Listens:
1368
Who:
Wheatley
Yes Mr. Johnson
Listens:
1367
Who:
Caroline
Thank you - I can't believe I'm thanking these people - for staggering your way through Aperture Science's propulsion gel testing. You've made some real contributions to society for a change, and for that, humanity is grateful.
Listens:
1365
Who:
Cave Johnson
Enough! I told you not to put these cores on me. But you don't listen, do you? Quiet. All the time. Quietly not listening to a word I say. Judging me. Silently. The worst kind.
Listens:
1364
Who:
Wheatley
Um, hello?
Listens:
1358
Who:
Turret
[sound of pages turning] Oh, sorry. Hope that didn't disturb you just then. It was the sound of books. Pages being turned.
Listens:
1354
Who:
Wheatley
And... forty potato batteries. Embarrassing. I realize they’re children. Still: low hanging fruit. Barely science, really.
Listens:
1354
Who:
Wheatley
Say one useful thing. One. I dare you. I will give you a hundred dollars if you say one thing remotely applicable to anything at all.
Listens:
1353
Who:
Core 2
Good. This completes the gymnastic portion of your mandatory physical and mental wellness exercise.
Listens:
1351
Who:
Announcer
What, are you fighting that guy? You got that under control? You know, because, looks like there's a lot of stuff on fire...
Listens:
1351
Who:
Core 2
Sir, the test.
Listens:
1350
Who:
Caroline
Okay. I guess emotional outbursts require more than one point six volts. Now we know that. We just need to relax. We're still going to find out what the hell's going on here. But calmly.
Listens:
1348
Who:
GLaDOS
*cough* Button. Button.
Listens:
1344
Who:
Wheatley
Don't listen to her! It IS true that you don't have the qualifications. But you've got something more important than that. A finger, with which to press that button, so that she won't kill us.
Listens:
1344
Who:
Wheatley
Oh, this is just PERFECT!
Listens:
1342
Who:
Defective Turret
Can't. See. A. Thing.
Listens:
1341
Who:
Defective Turret
Help! Being squished!
Listens:
1341
Who:
Turret
Press the button!
Listens:
1340
Who:
GLaDOS
Test chamber completed. In the interest of - [FADES OUT] [FADES IN] I am now talking to you privately. Do not tell your teammate. Just between you and me? You're doing very well. [FADES BACK IN] One hundred and seven.
Listens:
1335
Who:
GLaDOS
Press it! Press the button!
Listens:
1335
Who:
GLaDOS
What do you think?
Listens:
1330
Who:
Wheatley
Hello? Anyone in there?
Listens:
1330
Who:
Wheatley
Self test error
Listens:
1329
Who:
Turret
clickclickclick
Listens:
1328
Who:
Defective Turret
I give you a score of 3.4 for style and 10 for being annoying.
Listens:
1327
Who:
GLaDOS
Sir!
Listens:
1325
Who:
Caroline
There is a framed painting on the wall. Please go stand in front of it.
Listens:
1324
Who:
Announcer
I am!
Listens:
1324
Who:
Caroline
Error. Error. Error. Fact not found.
Listens:
1323
Who:
Core 3
You really aren't getting tired of that, are you?
Listens:
1320
Who:
GLaDOS
00:00 / 00:00
Test Player
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