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Portal 2
Portal 2 DLC
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Portal 1 Music
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TF2 Music
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I thought you'd be faster at this, but I can appreciate the desire to stop and smell the testing. That other scent you smell? That's the stench of my utter disappointment in you.
Listens:
1516
Who:
GLaDOS
Look at that, it's growing right up into the ceiling. The whole place is probably overrun with potatoes at this point. At least you won't starve, though.
Listens:
1516
Who:
Wheatley
Or maybe he still is, in which case, wow, that's kind of sad.
Listens:
1512
Who:
GLaDOS
That said, I would really appreciate it if you could test as fast as possible. Caroline, please bring me more pain pills.
Listens:
1511
Who:
Cave Johnson
And whose fault do you think it's going to be when the management comes down here and finds ten thousand flipping vegetables?
Listens:
1510
Who:
Wheatley
Sentry mode activated
Listens:
1510
Who:
Turret
In case you're interested, there's still some positions available for that bonus opportunity I mentioned earlier. Again: all you gotta do is let us disassemble you. We're not banging rocks together here. We know how to put a man back together.
Listens:
1509
Who:
Cave Johnson
Good. Now please return to your bed.
Listens:
1507
Who:
Announcer
It is incorrectly noted that Thomas Edison invented 'push-ups' in 1878. Nikolai Tesla had in fact patented the activity three years earlier, under the name 'Tesla-cize.'
Listens:
1505
Who:
Core 3
There's a star. There's another one. Star. Star star star. Star.
Listens:
1504
Who:
Core 1
Well. This is the part where he kills us.
Listens:
1503
Who:
GLaDOS
The scientists were always hanging cores on me to regulate my behavior. I've heard voices all my life. But now I hear the voice of a conscience, and it's terrifying, because for the first time it's my voice.
Listens:
1502
Who:
GLaDOS
The likelihood of you dying within the next five minutes is eighty-seven point six one percent.
Listens:
1501
Who:
Core 3
Turret redemption lines active.
Listens:
1495
Who:
Announcer
Are we in space yet? What's the hold-up? Gotta go to space. Gotta go to SPACE.
Listens:
1495
Who:
Core 1
You look great, by the way. Very healthy.
Listens:
1495
Who:
GLaDOS
Why did I just-Who is that? What the HELL is going on he----?
Listens:
1492
Who:
GLaDOS
Nooooooooo...
Listens:
1489
Who:
Defective Turret
Yes sir, Mister Johnson.
Listens:
1488
Who:
Caroline
Did my hint help? It did, didn't it? You know, if any of our supervisors had been immune to neurotoxin, they'd be FURIOUS with us right now.
Listens:
1487
Who:
GLaDOS
Anyway, new turrets. Not defective. Ace of fours. The best hand. Unbeatable, I imagine.
Listens:
1484
Who:
Wheatley
If you're interested in an additional sixty dollars, flag down a test associate and let 'em know. You could walk out of here with a hundred and twenty weighing down your bindle if you let us take you apart, put some science stuff in you, then put you back together good as new.
Listens:
1482
Who:
Cave Johnson
You know, deleting Caroline just now taught me a valuable lesson. The best solution to a problem is usually the easiest one. And I'll be honest.
Listens:
1481
Who:
GLaDOS
In 1948, at the request of a dying boy, baseball legend Babe Ruth ate seventy-five hot dogs, then died of hot dog poisoning.
Listens:
1479
Who:
Core 3
I was going to kill you fast. With bullets. Or neurotoxin. But if you're going to pull stunts like this, it doesn't have to be fast. So you know. I'll take my time.
Listens:
1479
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh my god. What has he done to this place?
Listens:
1477
Who:
GLaDOS
Alternate core detected.
Listens:
1471
Who:
Announcer
So I've been thinking: We need humans for these tests. And since the only human within a thousand miles of us is a test-ruining sociopath... I'll just have to MAKE some.
Listens:
1465
Who:
GLaDOS
If you feel liquid running down your neck, relax, lie on your back, and apply immediate pressure to your temples.
Listens:
1462
Who:
Announcer
If you're hearing this, it means you're taking a long time on the catwalks between tests. The lab boys say that might be a fear reaction.
Listens:
1461
Who:
Cave Johnson
As you can see, in my version the man points out to the cat that the house is equipped with deadly neurotoxin dispensers.
Listens:
1454
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh. Sorry. I was just thinking of all the ways humans can die.
Listens:
1451
Who:
GLaDOS
You know what, this plan is so good, I'm going to give you a sporting chance and turn off the neurotoxin. I'm joking. Of course. Goodbye.
Listens:
1444
Who:
Wheatley
Congratulations! The simple fact that you're standing here listening to me means you've made a glorious contribution to science.
Listens:
1442
Who:
Cave Johnson
Look, an eclipse! No. Don't look.
Listens:
1442
Who:
Core 1
Look - metal ball, I CAN hear you.
Listens:
1436
Who:
GLaDOS
During the Great Depression, the Tennessee Valley Authority outlawed pet rabbits, forcing many to hot glue-gun long ears onto their pet mice.
Listens:
1434
Who:
Core 3
Ohh. You're gonna laugh at this. You know how I said there was absolutely no way to get here without going through her lair and her potentially killing us? Could have gone through here. [laughs] My fault. Bit of luck for us that she wasn't switched on.
Listens:
1432
Who:
Wheatley
Hey lady.
Listens:
1431
Who:
Core 1
Alright, can't blame me for trying. Okay... New tests, new tests... there's gotta be some tests around here somewhere.
Listens:
1426
Who:
Wheatley
I don't want to scare you, but, I'm an Adventure Sphere. Designed for danger. So, why don't you go ahead and have yourself a little lady break, and I'll just take it from here.
Listens:
1425
Who:
Core 2
At the time of this recording, Federal disclosure policies require us to inform you that this next test is probably lethal and to redirect you to a safer test environment.
Listens:
1416
Who:
Announcer
Still a work in progress, don't judge me yet. Eventually I'd like to get them to sort of shoot fire at you, moments before crushing you. That's what I'm aiming for. But you know, small steps.
Listens:
1408
Who:
Wheatley
Blah.
Listens:
1405
Who:
GLaDOS
The likelihood of you dying violently within the next five minutes is eighty-seven point six one percent.
Listens:
1389
Who:
Core 3
Hello? Can you--can you pick me up, please?
Listens:
1383
Who:
Wheatley
For this next test, we put nanoparticles in the gel. In layman's terms, that's a billion little gizmos that are gonna travel into your bloodstream and pump experimental genes and RNA molecules and so forth into your tumors.
Listens:
1381
Who:
Cave Johnson
At which point the cat reflects on the time he ate all of the man's lasagna and feels remorse.
Listens:
1381
Who:
GLaDOS
Killing you? Is hard.
Listens:
1380
Who:
GLaDOS
Ahhh... Wha- What happened?
Listens:
1380
Who:
Wheatley
Contrary to popular belief, the Eskimo does not have one hundred different words for snow. They do, however, have two hundred and thirty-four words for fudge.
Listens:
1377
Who:
Core 3
[sigh] Don't tell anyone about this.
Listens:
1377
Who:
Defective Turret
Again, those are science collaboration points, which you should not confuse with points from competitions such as Who-Gets-To-Live-At-The-End-And-Who-Doesn’t. I mean basketball.
Listens:
1374
Who:
GLaDOS
Space space space. Going. Going there. Okay. I love you, space.
Listens:
1368
Who:
Core 1
If cube- and button-based testing caused this emergency, don't worry. The odds of this happening twice are very slim.
Listens:
1364
Who:
Announcer
I wouldn't have warned you about this before, back when we hated each other. But those turrets are firing real bullets. So look out. I'd hate for something tragic to happen to you before I extract all your bone marrow.
Listens:
1363
Who:
GLaDOS
Do hear that? That's the sound of the neurotoxin emitters emitting neurotoxin.
Listens:
1361
Who:
GLaDOS
We're so close! Go press the button!
Listens:
1348
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh, that felt really good.
Listens:
1348
Who:
Wheatley
You're not going to believe this. I found a sealed off wing. Hundreds - HUNDREDS! - of perfectly good test chambers. Just sitting there. Filled with skeletons. Shook them out. Good as new!
Listens:
1345
Who:
Wheatley
Mr. Johnson...
Listens:
1344
Who:
Caroline
GAAAA!
Listens:
1343
Who:
Wheatley
Corrupted core, are you ready to start the procedure?
Listens:
1341
Who:
Announcer
Say one useful thing. One. I dare you. I will give you a hundred dollars if you say one thing remotely applicable to anything at all.
Listens:
1341
Who:
Core 2
Oh, I like this guy.
Listens:
1339
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello? Can y--no?
Listens:
1339
Who:
Wheatley
Ahh!
Listens:
1339
Who:
Turret
Now than, let's see what we got here. Ah! 'Reactor Core Emergency Heat Venting Protocols.' That's the problem right there, isn't it? 'Emergency'. You don't want to see 'emergency' flashing at you. Never good that, is it? Right. DELETE.
Listens:
1335
Who:
Wheatley
Yes Mr. Johnson
Listens:
1334
Who:
Caroline
Enough! I told you not to put these cores on me. But you don't listen, do you? Quiet. All the time. Quietly not listening to a word I say. Judging me. Silently. The worst kind.
Listens:
1333
Who:
Wheatley
What, are you fighting that guy? You got that under control? You know, because, looks like there's a lot of stuff on fire...
Listens:
1329
Who:
Core 2
Don't listen to her! It IS true that you don't have the qualifications. But you've got something more important than that. A finger, with which to press that button, so that she won't kill us.
Listens:
1327
Who:
Wheatley
Um, hello?
Listens:
1326
Who:
Turret
Owwwww!
Listens:
1323
Who:
Turret
And... forty potato batteries. Embarrassing. I realize they’re children. Still: low hanging fruit. Barely science, really.
Listens:
1322
Who:
Wheatley
Oops. You trapped yourself. I guess that's it then. Thanks for testing. You may as well lie down and get acclimated to the being dead position.
Listens:
1317
Who:
GLaDOS
Can't. See. A. Thing.
Listens:
1317
Who:
Defective Turret
Oh, this is just PERFECT!
Listens:
1317
Who:
Defective Turret
New template accepted.
Listens:
1315
Who:
Announcer
I went and spoke with the door mainframe. Let's just say he won't be... well, living anymore. Anyway, back to testing.
Listens:
1315
Who:
GLaDOS
Sir, the test.
Listens:
1310
Who:
Caroline
Okay. I guess emotional outbursts require more than one point six volts. Now we know that. We just need to relax. We're still going to find out what the hell's going on here. But calmly.
Listens:
1309
Who:
GLaDOS
What do you think?
Listens:
1306
Who:
Wheatley
*cough* Button. Button.
Listens:
1305
Who:
Wheatley
Thank you - I can't believe I'm thanking these people - for staggering your way through Aperture Science's propulsion gel testing. You've made some real contributions to society for a change, and for that, humanity is grateful.
Listens:
1304
Who:
Cave Johnson
[sound of pages turning] Oh, sorry. Hope that didn't disturb you just then. It was the sound of books. Pages being turned.
Listens:
1304
Who:
Wheatley
clickclickclick
Listens:
1303
Who:
Defective Turret
Help! Being squished!
Listens:
1301
Who:
Turret
Good. This completes the gymnastic portion of your mandatory physical and mental wellness exercise.
Listens:
1300
Who:
Announcer
You know, in the end, yes, they let me go. It's all politics, to be honest. It's a big popularity contest, it's all about who you know, and whose back you're willing to scratch, who doesn't touch -- or, in my case, who did accidentally touch -- the neurotoxin button.
Listens:
1299
Who:
Wheatley
Self test error
Listens:
1298
Who:
Turret
I am!
Listens:
1296
Who:
Caroline
Error. Error. Error. Fact not found.
Listens:
1296
Who:
Core 3
Sir!
Listens:
1293
Who:
Caroline
You really aren't getting tired of that, are you?
Listens:
1293
Who:
GLaDOS
Test chamber completed. In the interest of - [FADES OUT] [FADES IN] I am now talking to you privately. Do not tell your teammate. Just between you and me? You're doing very well. [FADES BACK IN] One hundred and seven.
Listens:
1292
Who:
GLaDOS
Press the button!
Listens:
1292
Who:
GLaDOS
Shootin' blanks every time, ALL the time.
Listens:
1291
Who:
Defective Turret
Press it! Press the button!
Listens:
1289
Who:
GLaDOS
I give you a score of 3.4 for style and 10 for being annoying.
Listens:
1289
Who:
GLaDOS
00:00 / 00:00
Test Player
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