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Portal 2
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I think these test chambers look even better than they did before. It was easy, really. You just have to look at things objectively, see what you don't need anymore, and trim out the fat.
Listens:
3608
Who:
GLaDOS
I have the results of the last chamber: You are a horrible person. That's what it says: A horrible person. We weren't even testing for that.
Listens:
3588
Who:
GLaDOS
And then you showed up. You dangerous, mute lunatic. So you know what?
Listens:
3582
Who:
GLaDOS
I shouldn't spoil this, but... remember how I'm going to live forever, but you're going to be dead in sixty years? Well, I've been working on a present for you. Well, I guess it's more of a medical procedure. Well, technically it's more of a medical experiment. You know how excruciating it is when someone removes all of your bone marrow? Well, what if after I did that, I put something back IN that added four years to your life?
Listens:
3577
Who:
GLaDOS
You two are going to LOVE this big surprise. In fact, you might say that you're both going to love it to death. Love it... until it kills you. Until you're dead.
Listens:
3569
Who:
Wheatley
If you are a non-employee who has discovered this facility amid the ruins of civilization, welcome! And remember: Testing is the future, and the future starts with you.
Listens:
3557
Who:
Announcer
Excellent! You're a predator and these tests are your prey. Speaking of which, I was researching sharks for an upcoming test. Do you know who else murders people who are only trying to help them?
Listens:
3551
Who:
GLaDOS
Wheeeeeeee!
Listens:
3541
Who:
Turret
Oh, that's sad. But impressive. Maybe they worked at the phone company.
Listens:
3515
Who:
GLaDOS
Excuse me, you’re squishing me.
Listens:
3514
Who:
Turret
We're a lot alike, you and I. You tested me. I tested you. You killed me. I--oh, no, wait. I guess I HAVEN'T killed you yet. Well. Food for thought.
Listens:
3505
Who:
GLaDOS
These things happen.
Listens:
3503
Who:
Turret
Goodbye!
Listens:
3487
Who:
Turret
Ohhh, the Sun. I'm gonna meet the Sun. Oh no! What'll I say? 'Hi! Hi, Sun!' Oh, boy!
Listens:
3473
Who:
Core 1
Could you come over here?
Listens:
3464
Who:
Turret
Nap time
Listens:
3449
Who:
Turret
Moo hoo ha ha ha ha...
Listens:
3444
Who:
Defective Turret
And we would have talked our way out of it. Oh! Except you forgot to tell me you'd murdered her. And that she needed you to live, so the only available vent for her rage would be good old crushable Wheatley. Yeah. Little details I remember. Easy little tidbits you could have used to save me from getting crushed if you'd cared, which you didn't, obviously. And still don't.
Listens:
3408
Who:
Wheatley
We made it we made it we made it. Space!
Listens:
3396
Who:
Core 1
Happy Explosion Day, gorgeous.
Listens:
3393
Who:
Core 2
So. Welcome to Aperture. You're here because we want the best, and you're it. Nope. Couldn't keep a straight face.
Listens:
3380
Who:
Cave Johnson
We will attempt to comply with these now non-existent agencies by playing some more smooth jazz.
Listens:
3379
Who:
Announcer
No! Don't! No! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Listens:
3377
Who:
Wheatley
I did everything you asked!
Listens:
3374
Who:
Turret
The lab boys just informed me that I should not have mentioned the control group. They're telling me I oughtta stop making these pre-recorded messages. That gave me an idea: make more pre-recorded messages. I pay the bills here, I can talk about the control group all damn day.
Listens:
3372
Who:
Cave Johnson
Annnnnnnnd... Nothing.
Listens:
3354
Who:
Wheatley
Please prepare for emergency evacuation.
Listens:
3353
Who:
Announcer
Yeah. Clickety click click. Right on the money.
Listens:
3328
Who:
Defective Turret
You did WHAT?
Listens:
3255
Who:
Wheatley
Oh, it's fluttering its wings. Tell you what, mate. I'll come in there for a minute and cover you so you can have a look at this lovely bird! I'll come in. I'll do all the neurotoxin stuff. And then you come out here and look at this. Because it is lovely. It is lovely. You want to get out here fast. Seriously, my pleasure sounds are going to frighten the bird away any second. Ohhh, it's not working, is it? He's not interested in bloody birds.
Listens:
3251
Who:
Wheatley
If you've cut yourself at all in the course of these tests, you might have noticed that your blood is pure gasoline. That's normal. We've been shooting you with an invisible laser that's supposed to turn blood into gasoline, so all that means is, it's working.
Listens:
3247
Who:
Cave Johnson
Template
Listens:
3242
Who:
Announcer
In Greek myth, Prometheus stole fire from the Gods and gave it to humankind. The jewelry he kept for himself.
Listens:
3215
Who:
Core 3
We're still doing science sir.
Listens:
3155
Who:
Caroline
I am!
Listens:
3154
Who:
Caroline
Hey lady. Lady. I'm the best. I'm the best at space.
Listens:
3150
Who:
Core 1
Space going to space can't wait.
Listens:
3147
Who:
Core 1
You will hear a buzzer. When you hear the buzzer, look up at the ceiling. [BUZZER]
Listens:
3139
Who:
Announcer
If you have trouble with simple counting, use the following mnemonic device: one comes before two comes before 60 comes after 12 comes before six trillion comes after 504. This will make your earlier counting difficulties seem like no big deal.
Listens:
3138
Who:
Core 3
She is a gem.
Listens:
3126
Who:
Cave Johnson
Awwww
Listens:
3118
Who:
Turret
Good!
Listens:
3111
Who:
Announcer
Welcome to the Computer Intelligence Training and Enrichment Center Human Test Subject Research Center. You have unlocked all available courses.
Listens:
3102
Who:
Announcer
Deploying
Listens:
3082
Who:
Turret
Great work! Because this message is prerecorded, any observations related to your performance are speculation on our part. Please disregard any undeserved compliments.
Listens:
3080
Who:
Announcer
Grab me grab me grab me! Grab meeee!
Listens:
3080
Who:
Wheatley
You're saying to yourself, why should I jump into the pit? I'll tell you why. Guess who's down there? Your parents! You're not adopted after all! It's your natural parents down there in the pit. Should have mentioned it before. But I didn't. So jump on down and reunite with mommy and daddy.
Listens:
3066
Who:
Wheatley
You know how I'm going to live forever, but you're going to be dead in sixty years? Well, I've been working on a belated birthday present for you. Well... more of a belated birthday medical procedure. Well. Technically, it's a medical EXPERIMENT. What's important is, it's a present.
Listens:
3065
Who:
GLaDOS
William Shakespeare did not exist. His plays were masterminded in 1589 by Francis Bacon, who used a Ouija board to enslave play-writing ghosts.
Listens:
3050
Who:
Core 3
Some emergency testing may require prolonged interaction with lethal military androids. Rest assured that all lethal military androids have been taught to read and provided with one copy of the Laws of Robotics. To share.
Listens:
3032
Who:
Announcer
Where am I? Guess. Guess guess guess. I'm in space.
Listens:
3031
Who:
Core 1
Since making test participation mandatory for all employees, the quality of our test subjects has risen dramatically. Employee retention, however, has not.
Listens:
3009
Who:
Cave Johnson
Hey! It's me!
Listens:
3000
Who:
Turret
Hello?
Listens:
2987
Who:
Turret
I see you
Listens:
2976
Who:
Turret
The situation you are in is very dangerous.
Listens:
2975
Who:
Core 3
Pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out!
Listens:
2972
Who:
Wheatley
Ah, I see. Clever. Verrrrrrry clever.
Listens:
2968
Who:
Wheatley
Hello.
Listens:
2950
Who:
Defective Turret
Oh, brilliant. You DID find a portal gun! You know what? It just goes to show: people with brain damage are the real heroes in the end aren't they? At the end of the day. Brave.
Listens:
2937
Who:
Wheatley
You like revenge, right? Everybody likes revenge. Well, let's go get some.
Listens:
2919
Who:
GLaDOS
Space!
Listens:
2913
Who:
Core 1
Oh my god.
Listens:
2882
Who:
GLaDOS
Response
Listens:
2878
Who:
Announcer
It burns.
Listens:
2877
Who:
Turret
WHAT ARE YOU DOING WE DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT BUTTON - oh, the door's open! Well done. Let's see what's inside.
Listens:
2872
Who:
Wheatley
Hello!
Listens:
2865
Who:
Wheatley
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
2864
Who:
GLaDOS
Why...
Listens:
2860
Who:
Turret
Sorry
Listens:
2853
Who:
Turret
Hello again. Sorry about exploding you. Luckily, you don't feel pain. At any rate, you don't have a way to communicate that you feel pain.
Listens:
2834
Who:
GLaDOS
Corrupted Core: are you ready to start?
Listens:
2827
Who:
Announcer
And to your right, something huge hurtling towards you OH GOD RUN! THAT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THERE.
Listens:
2824
Who:
Wheatley
Oh, it's a core you've put on me! Who told you to do that? Was it her? [as if he's looking around] It's just making me stronger, luv! It's a fool's errand!
Listens:
2814
Who:
Wheatley
Brain Mapping. Artificial Intelligence. We should have been working on it thirty years ago. I will say this - and I'm gonna say it on tape so everybody hears it a hundred times a day: If I die before you people can pour me into a computer, I want Caroline to run this place.
Listens:
2812
Who:
Cave Johnson
Atmosphere. Black holes. Astronauts. Nebulas. Jupiter. The Big Dipper.
Listens:
2780
Who:
Core 1
Blue, I agree. I never noticed that about Orange before.
Listens:
2764
Who:
GLaDOS
Wait wait wait wait. I know I know I know. Lady wait. Wait. I know. Wait. Space.
Listens:
2760
Who:
Core 1
Hey, be a sport lady, and just tell him I killed you.
Listens:
2748
Who:
Defective Turret
Good work getting this far, future-starter! That said, if you are simple-minded, old, or irradiated in such a way that the future should not start with you, please return to your primitive tribe and send back someone better-qualified for testing.
Listens:
2736
Who:
Announcer
Activated
Listens:
2711
Who:
Turret
Warning, sphere corruption at twenty-- rats cannot throw up.
Listens:
2706
Who:
Core 3
That jumpsuit you're wearing looks stupid. That's not me talking, it's right here in your file. On other people it looks fine, but right here a scientist has noted that on you it looks 'stupid.'
Listens:
2695
Who:
GLaDOS
Undelete, undelete! Where's the undelete button?
Listens:
2693
Who:
Wheatley
Stalemate Resolution Associate: Please press the Stalemate Resolution Button.
Listens:
2681
Who:
Announcer
Puppet master! You're a puppet in a play, and I hold all the strings! And cards, still. Cards in one hand, strings in the other. And I'm making you dance like a puppet. Playing cards.
Listens:
2668
Who:
Wheatley
Preparing to dispense product
Listens:
2668
Who:
Turret
Don't think I'm not onto you too, lady. You know what you are? Selfish. I've done nothing but sacrifice to get us here! What have you sacrificed? NOTHING. Zero. All you've done is BOSS ME AROUND. Well, NOW who's the boss? Who's the boss? It's me!
Listens:
2663
Who:
Wheatley
Oh, brilliant, yeah. Take one last look at your precious human moon. Because it cannot help you now!
Listens:
2663
Who:
Wheatley
Stalemate detected. Transfer procedure cannot continue.
Listens:
2656
Who:
Announcer
If you need to go to the bathroom after this next series of tests, please let a test associate know, because in all likelihood, whatever comes out of you is going to be coal. Only temporary, so do not worry. If it persists for a week, though, start worrying and come see us, because that's not supposed to happen.
Listens:
2651
Who:
Cave Johnson
Are you still there? Can you pick me up, do you think? If you are there?
Listens:
2647
Who:
Wheatley
You broke it, didn't you.
Listens:
2646
Who:
GLaDOS
[to self] Hm. Could be Spanish, could be Spanish. [loud again] Hola, amigo! Abre la puerta! Donde esta--no. Um...
Listens:
2644
Who:
Wheatley
That isn't science.
Listens:
2634
Who:
GLaDOS
'Let there be light.' That's, uh... God. I was quoting God.
Listens:
2626
Who:
Wheatley
We're in space!
Listens:
2622
Who:
Wheatley
You never considered that maybe I tested you to give the endless hours of your pointless existence some structure and meaning. Maybe to help you concentrate, so just maybe you’d think of something more worthwhile to do with your sorry life.
Listens:
2620
Who:
GLaDOS
Wanna go to earth wanna go to earth wanna go to earth wanna go to earth. Wanna go to earth.
Listens:
2618
Who:
Core 1
We haven't entirely nailed down what element it is yet, but I'll tell you this: it's a lively one, and it does NOT like the human skeleton.
Listens:
2614
Who:
Cave Johnson
00:00 / 00:00
Test Player
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