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I think these test chambers look even better than they did before. It was easy, really. You just have to look at things objectively, see what you don't need anymore, and trim out the fat.
Listens:
3304
Who:
GLaDOS
Ohhh, the Sun. I'm gonna meet the Sun. Oh no! What'll I say? 'Hi! Hi, Sun!' Oh, boy!
Listens:
3285
Who:
Core 1
They say great science is built on the shoulders of giants. Not here. At Aperture, we do all our science from scratch. No hand holding.
Listens:
3276
Who:
Cave Johnson
Otherwise, I'm afraid you're about to become the immediate past president of the Being Alive club. Ha ha.
Listens:
3221
Who:
GLaDOS
Powerup complete.
Listens:
3219
Who:
Announcer
We made it we made it we made it. Space!
Listens:
3209
Who:
Core 1
Excuse me, you’re squishing me.
Listens:
3206
Who:
Turret
I shouldn't spoil this, but... remember how I'm going to live forever, but you're going to be dead in sixty years? Well, I've been working on a present for you. Well, I guess it's more of a medical procedure. Well, technically it's more of a medical experiment. You know how excruciating it is when someone removes all of your bone marrow? Well, what if after I did that, I put something back IN that added four years to your life?
Listens:
3205
Who:
GLaDOS
Wheeeeeeee!
Listens:
3202
Who:
Turret
Oh, that's sad. But impressive. Maybe they worked at the phone company.
Listens:
3198
Who:
GLaDOS
Moo hoo ha ha ha ha...
Listens:
3180
Who:
Defective Turret
Could you come over here?
Listens:
3174
Who:
Turret
If you are a non-employee who has discovered this facility amid the ruins of civilization, welcome! And remember: Testing is the future, and the future starts with you.
Listens:
3169
Who:
Announcer
Happy Explosion Day, gorgeous.
Listens:
3160
Who:
Core 2
We're a lot alike, you and I. You tested me. I tested you. You killed me. I--oh, no, wait. I guess I HAVEN'T killed you yet. Well. Food for thought.
Listens:
3160
Who:
GLaDOS
Annnnnnnnd... Nothing.
Listens:
3148
Who:
Wheatley
Excellent! You're a predator and these tests are your prey. Speaking of which, I was researching sharks for an upcoming test. Do you know who else murders people who are only trying to help them?
Listens:
3133
Who:
GLaDOS
I did everything you asked!
Listens:
3133
Who:
Turret
And we would have talked our way out of it. Oh! Except you forgot to tell me you'd murdered her. And that she needed you to live, so the only available vent for her rage would be good old crushable Wheatley. Yeah. Little details I remember. Easy little tidbits you could have used to save me from getting crushed if you'd cared, which you didn't, obviously. And still don't.
Listens:
3132
Who:
Wheatley
We will attempt to comply with these now non-existent agencies by playing some more smooth jazz.
Listens:
3109
Who:
Announcer
Nap time
Listens:
3093
Who:
Turret
So. Welcome to Aperture. You're here because we want the best, and you're it. Nope. Couldn't keep a straight face.
Listens:
3059
Who:
Cave Johnson
Yeah. Clickety click click. Right on the money.
Listens:
3058
Who:
Defective Turret
The lab boys just informed me that I should not have mentioned the control group. They're telling me I oughtta stop making these pre-recorded messages. That gave me an idea: make more pre-recorded messages. I pay the bills here, I can talk about the control group all damn day.
Listens:
3029
Who:
Cave Johnson
Goodbye!
Listens:
3029
Who:
Turret
Hey lady. Lady. I'm the best. I'm the best at space.
Listens:
3006
Who:
Core 1
Oh, it's fluttering its wings. Tell you what, mate. I'll come in there for a minute and cover you so you can have a look at this lovely bird! I'll come in. I'll do all the neurotoxin stuff. And then you come out here and look at this. Because it is lovely. It is lovely. You want to get out here fast. Seriously, my pleasure sounds are going to frighten the bird away any second. Ohhh, it's not working, is it? He's not interested in bloody birds.
Listens:
2995
Who:
Wheatley
In Greek myth, Prometheus stole fire from the Gods and gave it to humankind. The jewelry he kept for himself.
Listens:
2988
Who:
Core 3
You did WHAT?
Listens:
2988
Who:
Wheatley
Space going to space can't wait.
Listens:
2976
Who:
Core 1
We're still doing science sir.
Listens:
2970
Who:
Caroline
If you've cut yourself at all in the course of these tests, you might have noticed that your blood is pure gasoline. That's normal. We've been shooting you with an invisible laser that's supposed to turn blood into gasoline, so all that means is, it's working.
Listens:
2953
Who:
Cave Johnson
And then you showed up. You dangerous, mute lunatic. So you know what?
Listens:
2941
Who:
GLaDOS
If you have trouble with simple counting, use the following mnemonic device: one comes before two comes before 60 comes after 12 comes before six trillion comes after 504. This will make your earlier counting difficulties seem like no big deal.
Listens:
2930
Who:
Core 3
Where am I? Guess. Guess guess guess. I'm in space.
Listens:
2897
Who:
Core 1
Awwww
Listens:
2854
Who:
Turret
Deploying
Listens:
2852
Who:
Turret
I am!
Listens:
2836
Who:
Caroline
You know how I'm going to live forever, but you're going to be dead in sixty years? Well, I've been working on a belated birthday present for you. Well... more of a belated birthday medical procedure. Well. Technically, it's a medical EXPERIMENT. What's important is, it's a present.
Listens:
2835
Who:
GLaDOS
The situation you are in is very dangerous.
Listens:
2834
Who:
Core 3
No! Don't! No! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Listens:
2832
Who:
Wheatley
William Shakespeare did not exist. His plays were masterminded in 1589 by Francis Bacon, who used a Ouija board to enslave play-writing ghosts.
Listens:
2811
Who:
Core 3
Great work! Because this message is prerecorded, any observations related to your performance are speculation on our part. Please disregard any undeserved compliments.
Listens:
2810
Who:
Announcer
Hey! It's me!
Listens:
2789
Who:
Turret
Welcome to the Computer Intelligence Training and Enrichment Center Human Test Subject Research Center. You have unlocked all available courses.
Listens:
2780
Who:
Announcer
You're saying to yourself, why should I jump into the pit? I'll tell you why. Guess who's down there? Your parents! You're not adopted after all! It's your natural parents down there in the pit. Should have mentioned it before. But I didn't. So jump on down and reunite with mommy and daddy.
Listens:
2776
Who:
Wheatley
Ah, I see. Clever. Verrrrrrry clever.
Listens:
2767
Who:
Wheatley
Hello?
Listens:
2758
Who:
Turret
Since making test participation mandatory for all employees, the quality of our test subjects has risen dramatically. Employee retention, however, has not.
Listens:
2754
Who:
Cave Johnson
Space!
Listens:
2752
Who:
Core 1
I see you
Listens:
2735
Who:
Turret
Pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out!
Listens:
2726
Who:
Wheatley
Template
Listens:
2725
Who:
Announcer
Oh, brilliant. You DID find a portal gun! You know what? It just goes to show: people with brain damage are the real heroes in the end aren't they? At the end of the day. Brave.
Listens:
2725
Who:
Wheatley
Hello.
Listens:
2709
Who:
Defective Turret
Good!
Listens:
2706
Who:
Announcer
Sorry
Listens:
2696
Who:
Turret
Some emergency testing may require prolonged interaction with lethal military androids. Rest assured that all lethal military androids have been taught to read and provided with one copy of the Laws of Robotics. To share.
Listens:
2679
Who:
Announcer
Blue, I agree. I never noticed that about Orange before.
Listens:
2671
Who:
GLaDOS
You will hear a buzzer. When you hear the buzzer, look up at the ceiling. [BUZZER]
Listens:
2659
Who:
Announcer
Why...
Listens:
2656
Who:
Turret
It burns.
Listens:
2650
Who:
Turret
WHAT ARE YOU DOING WE DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT BUTTON - oh, the door's open! Well done. Let's see what's inside.
Listens:
2617
Who:
Wheatley
Atmosphere. Black holes. Astronauts. Nebulas. Jupiter. The Big Dipper.
Listens:
2616
Who:
Core 1
Hello again. Sorry about exploding you. Luckily, you don't feel pain. At any rate, you don't have a way to communicate that you feel pain.
Listens:
2615
Who:
GLaDOS
She is a gem.
Listens:
2606
Who:
Cave Johnson
Grab me grab me grab me! Grab meeee!
Listens:
2596
Who:
Wheatley
Please prepare for emergency evacuation.
Listens:
2592
Who:
Announcer
Wait wait wait wait. I know I know I know. Lady wait. Wait. I know. Wait. Space.
Listens:
2584
Who:
Core 1
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
2583
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh, it's a core you've put on me! Who told you to do that? Was it her? [as if he's looking around] It's just making me stronger, luv! It's a fool's errand!
Listens:
2581
Who:
Wheatley
And to your right, something huge hurtling towards you OH GOD RUN! THAT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THERE.
Listens:
2578
Who:
Wheatley
Oh my god.
Listens:
2576
Who:
GLaDOS
Hey, be a sport lady, and just tell him I killed you.
Listens:
2546
Who:
Defective Turret
Brain Mapping. Artificial Intelligence. We should have been working on it thirty years ago. I will say this - and I'm gonna say it on tape so everybody hears it a hundred times a day: If I die before you people can pour me into a computer, I want Caroline to run this place.
Listens:
2528
Who:
Cave Johnson
Response
Listens:
2508
Who:
Announcer
Warning, sphere corruption at twenty-- rats cannot throw up.
Listens:
2495
Who:
Core 3
Activated
Listens:
2487
Who:
Turret
That isn't science.
Listens:
2481
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello!
Listens:
2469
Who:
Wheatley
Wanna go to earth wanna go to earth wanna go to earth wanna go to earth. Wanna go to earth.
Listens:
2466
Who:
Core 1
Corrupted Core: are you ready to start?
Listens:
2465
Who:
Announcer
The Fact Sphere is not defective. Its facts are wholly accurate and very interesting.
Listens:
2447
Who:
Core 3
Preparing to dispense product
Listens:
2442
Who:
Turret
Are you still there? Can you pick me up, do you think? If you are there?
Listens:
2438
Who:
Wheatley
Undelete, undelete! Where's the undelete button?
Listens:
2421
Who:
Wheatley
Puppet master! You're a puppet in a play, and I hold all the strings! And cards, still. Cards in one hand, strings in the other. And I'm making you dance like a puppet. Playing cards.
Listens:
2416
Who:
Wheatley
Hello?
Listens:
2413
Who:
Turret
Stalemate Resolution Associate: Please press the Stalemate Resolution Button.
Listens:
2405
Who:
Announcer
We're in space!
Listens:
2400
Who:
Wheatley
If you need to go to the bathroom after this next series of tests, please let a test associate know, because in all likelihood, whatever comes out of you is going to be coal. Only temporary, so do not worry. If it persists for a week, though, start worrying and come see us, because that's not supposed to happen.
Listens:
2399
Who:
Cave Johnson
Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve.
Listens:
2393
Who:
Core 3
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
2393
Who:
GLaDOS
Alright, then. Let us see... 'Vital maintenance protocols.' Wow, there are a lot of them. Should have looked into this earlier. Well, let's try this: [reading while typing] DO THEM. [failure buzzer]. Fair enough. Maybe it's a password.
Listens:
2392
Who:
Wheatley
That jumpsuit you're wearing looks stupid. That's not me talking, it's right here in your file. On other people it looks fine, but right here a scientist has noted that on you it looks 'stupid.'
Listens:
2382
Who:
GLaDOS
[to self] Hm. Could be Spanish, could be Spanish. [loud again] Hola, amigo! Abre la puerta! Donde esta--no. Um...
Listens:
2381
Who:
Wheatley
Crap.
Listens:
2364
Who:
Defective Turret
Not bad. I forgot how good you are at this. You should pace yourself, though. We have A LOT of tests to do.
Listens:
2363
Who:
GLaDOS
Stalemate detected. Transfer procedure cannot continue.
Listens:
2359
Who:
Announcer
I'm in space.
Listens:
2351
Who:
Core 1
00:00 / 00:00
Test Player
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