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Portal 2
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I think these test chambers look even better than they did before. It was easy, really. You just have to look at things objectively, see what you don't need anymore, and trim out the fat.
Listens:
3573
Who:
GLaDOS
I have the results of the last chamber: You are a horrible person. That's what it says: A horrible person. We weren't even testing for that.
Listens:
3554
Who:
GLaDOS
I shouldn't spoil this, but... remember how I'm going to live forever, but you're going to be dead in sixty years? Well, I've been working on a present for you. Well, I guess it's more of a medical procedure. Well, technically it's more of a medical experiment. You know how excruciating it is when someone removes all of your bone marrow? Well, what if after I did that, I put something back IN that added four years to your life?
Listens:
3552
Who:
GLaDOS
You two are going to LOVE this big surprise. In fact, you might say that you're both going to love it to death. Love it... until it kills you. Until you're dead.
Listens:
3541
Who:
Wheatley
And then you showed up. You dangerous, mute lunatic. So you know what?
Listens:
3533
Who:
GLaDOS
Wheeeeeeee!
Listens:
3521
Who:
Turret
If you are a non-employee who has discovered this facility amid the ruins of civilization, welcome! And remember: Testing is the future, and the future starts with you.
Listens:
3510
Who:
Announcer
Excellent! You're a predator and these tests are your prey. Speaking of which, I was researching sharks for an upcoming test. Do you know who else murders people who are only trying to help them?
Listens:
3502
Who:
GLaDOS
Excuse me, you’re squishing me.
Listens:
3492
Who:
Turret
Oh, that's sad. But impressive. Maybe they worked at the phone company.
Listens:
3484
Who:
GLaDOS
These things happen.
Listens:
3482
Who:
Turret
Goodbye!
Listens:
3464
Who:
Turret
Ohhh, the Sun. I'm gonna meet the Sun. Oh no! What'll I say? 'Hi! Hi, Sun!' Oh, boy!
Listens:
3462
Who:
Core 1
We're a lot alike, you and I. You tested me. I tested you. You killed me. I--oh, no, wait. I guess I HAVEN'T killed you yet. Well. Food for thought.
Listens:
3458
Who:
GLaDOS
Moo hoo ha ha ha ha...
Listens:
3433
Who:
Defective Turret
Nap time
Listens:
3431
Who:
Turret
Could you come over here?
Listens:
3421
Who:
Turret
We made it we made it we made it. Space!
Listens:
3388
Who:
Core 1
And we would have talked our way out of it. Oh! Except you forgot to tell me you'd murdered her. And that she needed you to live, so the only available vent for her rage would be good old crushable Wheatley. Yeah. Little details I remember. Easy little tidbits you could have used to save me from getting crushed if you'd cared, which you didn't, obviously. And still don't.
Listens:
3386
Who:
Wheatley
Happy Explosion Day, gorgeous.
Listens:
3367
Who:
Core 2
So. Welcome to Aperture. You're here because we want the best, and you're it. Nope. Couldn't keep a straight face.
Listens:
3356
Who:
Cave Johnson
We will attempt to comply with these now non-existent agencies by playing some more smooth jazz.
Listens:
3354
Who:
Announcer
No! Don't! No! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Listens:
3340
Who:
Wheatley
I did everything you asked!
Listens:
3335
Who:
Turret
Annnnnnnnd... Nothing.
Listens:
3330
Who:
Wheatley
The lab boys just informed me that I should not have mentioned the control group. They're telling me I oughtta stop making these pre-recorded messages. That gave me an idea: make more pre-recorded messages. I pay the bills here, I can talk about the control group all damn day.
Listens:
3314
Who:
Cave Johnson
Yeah. Clickety click click. Right on the money.
Listens:
3309
Who:
Defective Turret
If you've cut yourself at all in the course of these tests, you might have noticed that your blood is pure gasoline. That's normal. We've been shooting you with an invisible laser that's supposed to turn blood into gasoline, so all that means is, it's working.
Listens:
3220
Who:
Cave Johnson
Oh, it's fluttering its wings. Tell you what, mate. I'll come in there for a minute and cover you so you can have a look at this lovely bird! I'll come in. I'll do all the neurotoxin stuff. And then you come out here and look at this. Because it is lovely. It is lovely. You want to get out here fast. Seriously, my pleasure sounds are going to frighten the bird away any second. Ohhh, it's not working, is it? He's not interested in bloody birds.
Listens:
3220
Who:
Wheatley
You did WHAT?
Listens:
3214
Who:
Wheatley
Please prepare for emergency evacuation.
Listens:
3206
Who:
Announcer
In Greek myth, Prometheus stole fire from the Gods and gave it to humankind. The jewelry he kept for himself.
Listens:
3180
Who:
Core 3
Template
Listens:
3179
Who:
Announcer
We're still doing science sir.
Listens:
3142
Who:
Caroline
Hey lady. Lady. I'm the best. I'm the best at space.
Listens:
3133
Who:
Core 1
Space going to space can't wait.
Listens:
3129
Who:
Core 1
I am!
Listens:
3128
Who:
Caroline
If you have trouble with simple counting, use the following mnemonic device: one comes before two comes before 60 comes after 12 comes before six trillion comes after 504. This will make your earlier counting difficulties seem like no big deal.
Listens:
3116
Who:
Core 3
Awwww
Listens:
3099
Who:
Turret
She is a gem.
Listens:
3087
Who:
Cave Johnson
You will hear a buzzer. When you hear the buzzer, look up at the ceiling. [BUZZER]
Listens:
3077
Who:
Announcer
Welcome to the Computer Intelligence Training and Enrichment Center Human Test Subject Research Center. You have unlocked all available courses.
Listens:
3075
Who:
Announcer
Good!
Listens:
3073
Who:
Announcer
Deploying
Listens:
3066
Who:
Turret
You know how I'm going to live forever, but you're going to be dead in sixty years? Well, I've been working on a belated birthday present for you. Well... more of a belated birthday medical procedure. Well. Technically, it's a medical EXPERIMENT. What's important is, it's a present.
Listens:
3055
Who:
GLaDOS
Great work! Because this message is prerecorded, any observations related to your performance are speculation on our part. Please disregard any undeserved compliments.
Listens:
3046
Who:
Announcer
You're saying to yourself, why should I jump into the pit? I'll tell you why. Guess who's down there? Your parents! You're not adopted after all! It's your natural parents down there in the pit. Should have mentioned it before. But I didn't. So jump on down and reunite with mommy and daddy.
Listens:
3036
Who:
Wheatley
William Shakespeare did not exist. His plays were masterminded in 1589 by Francis Bacon, who used a Ouija board to enslave play-writing ghosts.
Listens:
3027
Who:
Core 3
Grab me grab me grab me! Grab meeee!
Listens:
3027
Who:
Wheatley
Where am I? Guess. Guess guess guess. I'm in space.
Listens:
3021
Who:
Core 1
Hey! It's me!
Listens:
2993
Who:
Turret
Since making test participation mandatory for all employees, the quality of our test subjects has risen dramatically. Employee retention, however, has not.
Listens:
2989
Who:
Cave Johnson
Some emergency testing may require prolonged interaction with lethal military androids. Rest assured that all lethal military androids have been taught to read and provided with one copy of the Laws of Robotics. To share.
Listens:
2979
Who:
Announcer
Hello?
Listens:
2973
Who:
Turret
The situation you are in is very dangerous.
Listens:
2965
Who:
Core 3
Ah, I see. Clever. Verrrrrrry clever.
Listens:
2950
Who:
Wheatley
Pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out!
Listens:
2948
Who:
Wheatley
I see you
Listens:
2932
Who:
Turret
Oh, brilliant. You DID find a portal gun! You know what? It just goes to show: people with brain damage are the real heroes in the end aren't they? At the end of the day. Brave.
Listens:
2924
Who:
Wheatley
Hello.
Listens:
2923
Who:
Defective Turret
Space!
Listens:
2903
Who:
Core 1
It burns.
Listens:
2864
Who:
Turret
Oh my god.
Listens:
2859
Who:
GLaDOS
WHAT ARE YOU DOING WE DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT BUTTON - oh, the door's open! Well done. Let's see what's inside.
Listens:
2851
Who:
Wheatley
Why...
Listens:
2850
Who:
Turret
Sorry
Listens:
2847
Who:
Turret
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
2842
Who:
GLaDOS
You like revenge, right? Everybody likes revenge. Well, let's go get some.
Listens:
2837
Who:
GLaDOS
Response
Listens:
2835
Who:
Announcer
Hello!
Listens:
2829
Who:
Wheatley
Hello again. Sorry about exploding you. Luckily, you don't feel pain. At any rate, you don't have a way to communicate that you feel pain.
Listens:
2819
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh, it's a core you've put on me! Who told you to do that? Was it her? [as if he's looking around] It's just making me stronger, luv! It's a fool's errand!
Listens:
2798
Who:
Wheatley
Brain Mapping. Artificial Intelligence. We should have been working on it thirty years ago. I will say this - and I'm gonna say it on tape so everybody hears it a hundred times a day: If I die before you people can pour me into a computer, I want Caroline to run this place.
Listens:
2788
Who:
Cave Johnson
And to your right, something huge hurtling towards you OH GOD RUN! THAT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THERE.
Listens:
2785
Who:
Wheatley
Atmosphere. Black holes. Astronauts. Nebulas. Jupiter. The Big Dipper.
Listens:
2773
Who:
Core 1
Corrupted Core: are you ready to start?
Listens:
2767
Who:
Announcer
Blue, I agree. I never noticed that about Orange before.
Listens:
2753
Who:
GLaDOS
Wait wait wait wait. I know I know I know. Lady wait. Wait. I know. Wait. Space.
Listens:
2744
Who:
Core 1
Hey, be a sport lady, and just tell him I killed you.
Listens:
2737
Who:
Defective Turret
Activated
Listens:
2701
Who:
Turret
Good work getting this far, future-starter! That said, if you are simple-minded, old, or irradiated in such a way that the future should not start with you, please return to your primitive tribe and send back someone better-qualified for testing.
Listens:
2697
Who:
Announcer
Warning, sphere corruption at twenty-- rats cannot throw up.
Listens:
2686
Who:
Core 3
Undelete, undelete! Where's the undelete button?
Listens:
2676
Who:
Wheatley
That jumpsuit you're wearing looks stupid. That's not me talking, it's right here in your file. On other people it looks fine, but right here a scientist has noted that on you it looks 'stupid.'
Listens:
2663
Who:
GLaDOS
Stalemate Resolution Associate: Please press the Stalemate Resolution Button.
Listens:
2656
Who:
Announcer
Preparing to dispense product
Listens:
2648
Who:
Turret
Puppet master! You're a puppet in a play, and I hold all the strings! And cards, still. Cards in one hand, strings in the other. And I'm making you dance like a puppet. Playing cards.
Listens:
2639
Who:
Wheatley
Are you still there? Can you pick me up, do you think? If you are there?
Listens:
2629
Who:
Wheatley
If you need to go to the bathroom after this next series of tests, please let a test associate know, because in all likelihood, whatever comes out of you is going to be coal. Only temporary, so do not worry. If it persists for a week, though, start worrying and come see us, because that's not supposed to happen.
Listens:
2622
Who:
Cave Johnson
That isn't science.
Listens:
2620
Who:
GLaDOS
You broke it, didn't you.
Listens:
2620
Who:
GLaDOS
[to self] Hm. Could be Spanish, could be Spanish. [loud again] Hola, amigo! Abre la puerta! Donde esta--no. Um...
Listens:
2618
Who:
Wheatley
Stalemate detected. Transfer procedure cannot continue.
Listens:
2616
Who:
Announcer
Don't think I'm not onto you too, lady. You know what you are? Selfish. I've done nothing but sacrifice to get us here! What have you sacrificed? NOTHING. Zero. All you've done is BOSS ME AROUND. Well, NOW who's the boss? Who's the boss? It's me!
Listens:
2615
Who:
Wheatley
Wanna go to earth wanna go to earth wanna go to earth wanna go to earth. Wanna go to earth.
Listens:
2612
Who:
Core 1
We're in space!
Listens:
2610
Who:
Wheatley
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
2592
Who:
GLaDOS
The Fact Sphere is not defective. Its facts are wholly accurate and very interesting.
Listens:
2576
Who:
Core 3
Oh, brilliant, yeah. Take one last look at your precious human moon. Because it cannot help you now!
Listens:
2576
Who:
Wheatley
Hello?
Listens:
2575
Who:
Turret
00:00 / 00:00
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