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I think these test chambers look even better than they did before. It was easy, really. You just have to look at things objectively, see what you don't need anymore, and trim out the fat.
Listens:
3588
Who:
GLaDOS
I shouldn't spoil this, but... remember how I'm going to live forever, but you're going to be dead in sixty years? Well, I've been working on a present for you. Well, I guess it's more of a medical procedure. Well, technically it's more of a medical experiment. You know how excruciating it is when someone removes all of your bone marrow? Well, what if after I did that, I put something back IN that added four years to your life?
Listens:
3564
Who:
GLaDOS
I have the results of the last chamber: You are a horrible person. That's what it says: A horrible person. We weren't even testing for that.
Listens:
3559
Who:
GLaDOS
You two are going to LOVE this big surprise. In fact, you might say that you're both going to love it to death. Love it... until it kills you. Until you're dead.
Listens:
3554
Who:
Wheatley
And then you showed up. You dangerous, mute lunatic. So you know what?
Listens:
3544
Who:
GLaDOS
If you are a non-employee who has discovered this facility amid the ruins of civilization, welcome! And remember: Testing is the future, and the future starts with you.
Listens:
3524
Who:
Announcer
Wheeeeeeee!
Listens:
3521
Who:
Turret
Excellent! You're a predator and these tests are your prey. Speaking of which, I was researching sharks for an upcoming test. Do you know who else murders people who are only trying to help them?
Listens:
3517
Who:
GLaDOS
Excuse me, you’re squishing me.
Listens:
3498
Who:
Turret
Oh, that's sad. But impressive. Maybe they worked at the phone company.
Listens:
3486
Who:
GLaDOS
These things happen.
Listens:
3486
Who:
Turret
We're a lot alike, you and I. You tested me. I tested you. You killed me. I--oh, no, wait. I guess I HAVEN'T killed you yet. Well. Food for thought.
Listens:
3466
Who:
GLaDOS
Goodbye!
Listens:
3466
Who:
Turret
Ohhh, the Sun. I'm gonna meet the Sun. Oh no! What'll I say? 'Hi! Hi, Sun!' Oh, boy!
Listens:
3463
Who:
Core 1
Could you come over here?
Listens:
3442
Who:
Turret
Moo hoo ha ha ha ha...
Listens:
3435
Who:
Defective Turret
Nap time
Listens:
3434
Who:
Turret
We made it we made it we made it. Space!
Listens:
3389
Who:
Core 1
And we would have talked our way out of it. Oh! Except you forgot to tell me you'd murdered her. And that she needed you to live, so the only available vent for her rage would be good old crushable Wheatley. Yeah. Little details I remember. Easy little tidbits you could have used to save me from getting crushed if you'd cared, which you didn't, obviously. And still don't.
Listens:
3389
Who:
Wheatley
Happy Explosion Day, gorgeous.
Listens:
3373
Who:
Core 2
We will attempt to comply with these now non-existent agencies by playing some more smooth jazz.
Listens:
3363
Who:
Announcer
So. Welcome to Aperture. You're here because we want the best, and you're it. Nope. Couldn't keep a straight face.
Listens:
3358
Who:
Cave Johnson
No! Don't! No! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Listens:
3355
Who:
Wheatley
I did everything you asked!
Listens:
3354
Who:
Turret
Annnnnnnnd... Nothing.
Listens:
3342
Who:
Wheatley
The lab boys just informed me that I should not have mentioned the control group. They're telling me I oughtta stop making these pre-recorded messages. That gave me an idea: make more pre-recorded messages. I pay the bills here, I can talk about the control group all damn day.
Listens:
3339
Who:
Cave Johnson
Yeah. Clickety click click. Right on the money.
Listens:
3315
Who:
Defective Turret
Oh, it's fluttering its wings. Tell you what, mate. I'll come in there for a minute and cover you so you can have a look at this lovely bird! I'll come in. I'll do all the neurotoxin stuff. And then you come out here and look at this. Because it is lovely. It is lovely. You want to get out here fast. Seriously, my pleasure sounds are going to frighten the bird away any second. Ohhh, it's not working, is it? He's not interested in bloody birds.
Listens:
3226
Who:
Wheatley
If you've cut yourself at all in the course of these tests, you might have noticed that your blood is pure gasoline. That's normal. We've been shooting you with an invisible laser that's supposed to turn blood into gasoline, so all that means is, it's working.
Listens:
3224
Who:
Cave Johnson
Please prepare for emergency evacuation.
Listens:
3220
Who:
Announcer
You did WHAT?
Listens:
3219
Who:
Wheatley
Template
Listens:
3189
Who:
Announcer
In Greek myth, Prometheus stole fire from the Gods and gave it to humankind. The jewelry he kept for himself.
Listens:
3184
Who:
Core 3
We're still doing science sir.
Listens:
3147
Who:
Caroline
Hey lady. Lady. I'm the best. I'm the best at space.
Listens:
3135
Who:
Core 1
I am!
Listens:
3133
Who:
Caroline
Space going to space can't wait.
Listens:
3133
Who:
Core 1
If you have trouble with simple counting, use the following mnemonic device: one comes before two comes before 60 comes after 12 comes before six trillion comes after 504. This will make your earlier counting difficulties seem like no big deal.
Listens:
3119
Who:
Core 3
Awwww
Listens:
3107
Who:
Turret
She is a gem.
Listens:
3098
Who:
Cave Johnson
You will hear a buzzer. When you hear the buzzer, look up at the ceiling. [BUZZER]
Listens:
3086
Who:
Announcer
Good!
Listens:
3081
Who:
Announcer
Welcome to the Computer Intelligence Training and Enrichment Center Human Test Subject Research Center. You have unlocked all available courses.
Listens:
3081
Who:
Announcer
Deploying
Listens:
3068
Who:
Turret
You know how I'm going to live forever, but you're going to be dead in sixty years? Well, I've been working on a belated birthday present for you. Well... more of a belated birthday medical procedure. Well. Technically, it's a medical EXPERIMENT. What's important is, it's a present.
Listens:
3060
Who:
GLaDOS
Grab me grab me grab me! Grab meeee!
Listens:
3056
Who:
Wheatley
Great work! Because this message is prerecorded, any observations related to your performance are speculation on our part. Please disregard any undeserved compliments.
Listens:
3048
Who:
Announcer
You're saying to yourself, why should I jump into the pit? I'll tell you why. Guess who's down there? Your parents! You're not adopted after all! It's your natural parents down there in the pit. Should have mentioned it before. But I didn't. So jump on down and reunite with mommy and daddy.
Listens:
3044
Who:
Wheatley
William Shakespeare did not exist. His plays were masterminded in 1589 by Francis Bacon, who used a Ouija board to enslave play-writing ghosts.
Listens:
3033
Who:
Core 3
Where am I? Guess. Guess guess guess. I'm in space.
Listens:
3023
Who:
Core 1
Since making test participation mandatory for all employees, the quality of our test subjects has risen dramatically. Employee retention, however, has not.
Listens:
2998
Who:
Cave Johnson
Hey! It's me!
Listens:
2995
Who:
Turret
Some emergency testing may require prolonged interaction with lethal military androids. Rest assured that all lethal military androids have been taught to read and provided with one copy of the Laws of Robotics. To share.
Listens:
2987
Who:
Announcer
Hello?
Listens:
2975
Who:
Turret
The situation you are in is very dangerous.
Listens:
2967
Who:
Core 3
Pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out!
Listens:
2957
Who:
Wheatley
Ah, I see. Clever. Verrrrrrry clever.
Listens:
2951
Who:
Wheatley
I see you
Listens:
2938
Who:
Turret
Hello.
Listens:
2930
Who:
Defective Turret
Oh, brilliant. You DID find a portal gun! You know what? It just goes to show: people with brain damage are the real heroes in the end aren't they? At the end of the day. Brave.
Listens:
2928
Who:
Wheatley
Space!
Listens:
2906
Who:
Core 1
It burns.
Listens:
2869
Who:
Turret
You like revenge, right? Everybody likes revenge. Well, let's go get some.
Listens:
2865
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh my god.
Listens:
2864
Who:
GLaDOS
WHAT ARE YOU DOING WE DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT BUTTON - oh, the door's open! Well done. Let's see what's inside.
Listens:
2856
Who:
Wheatley
Why...
Listens:
2853
Who:
Turret
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
2851
Who:
GLaDOS
Sorry
Listens:
2848
Who:
Turret
Hello!
Listens:
2844
Who:
Wheatley
Response
Listens:
2840
Who:
Announcer
Hello again. Sorry about exploding you. Luckily, you don't feel pain. At any rate, you don't have a way to communicate that you feel pain.
Listens:
2824
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh, it's a core you've put on me! Who told you to do that? Was it her? [as if he's looking around] It's just making me stronger, luv! It's a fool's errand!
Listens:
2804
Who:
Wheatley
And to your right, something huge hurtling towards you OH GOD RUN! THAT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THERE.
Listens:
2793
Who:
Wheatley
Brain Mapping. Artificial Intelligence. We should have been working on it thirty years ago. I will say this - and I'm gonna say it on tape so everybody hears it a hundred times a day: If I die before you people can pour me into a computer, I want Caroline to run this place.
Listens:
2792
Who:
Cave Johnson
Corrupted Core: are you ready to start?
Listens:
2782
Who:
Announcer
Atmosphere. Black holes. Astronauts. Nebulas. Jupiter. The Big Dipper.
Listens:
2776
Who:
Core 1
Blue, I agree. I never noticed that about Orange before.
Listens:
2754
Who:
GLaDOS
Wait wait wait wait. I know I know I know. Lady wait. Wait. I know. Wait. Space.
Listens:
2748
Who:
Core 1
Hey, be a sport lady, and just tell him I killed you.
Listens:
2742
Who:
Defective Turret
Good work getting this far, future-starter! That said, if you are simple-minded, old, or irradiated in such a way that the future should not start with you, please return to your primitive tribe and send back someone better-qualified for testing.
Listens:
2709
Who:
Announcer
Activated
Listens:
2705
Who:
Turret
Warning, sphere corruption at twenty-- rats cannot throw up.
Listens:
2693
Who:
Core 3
Undelete, undelete! Where's the undelete button?
Listens:
2680
Who:
Wheatley
That jumpsuit you're wearing looks stupid. That's not me talking, it's right here in your file. On other people it looks fine, but right here a scientist has noted that on you it looks 'stupid.'
Listens:
2668
Who:
GLaDOS
Stalemate Resolution Associate: Please press the Stalemate Resolution Button.
Listens:
2657
Who:
Announcer
Preparing to dispense product
Listens:
2653
Who:
Turret
Puppet master! You're a puppet in a play, and I hold all the strings! And cards, still. Cards in one hand, strings in the other. And I'm making you dance like a puppet. Playing cards.
Listens:
2646
Who:
Wheatley
Are you still there? Can you pick me up, do you think? If you are there?
Listens:
2634
Who:
Wheatley
Don't think I'm not onto you too, lady. You know what you are? Selfish. I've done nothing but sacrifice to get us here! What have you sacrificed? NOTHING. Zero. All you've done is BOSS ME AROUND. Well, NOW who's the boss? Who's the boss? It's me!
Listens:
2632
Who:
Wheatley
If you need to go to the bathroom after this next series of tests, please let a test associate know, because in all likelihood, whatever comes out of you is going to be coal. Only temporary, so do not worry. If it persists for a week, though, start worrying and come see us, because that's not supposed to happen.
Listens:
2627
Who:
Cave Johnson
[to self] Hm. Could be Spanish, could be Spanish. [loud again] Hola, amigo! Abre la puerta! Donde esta--no. Um...
Listens:
2627
Who:
Wheatley
That isn't science.
Listens:
2624
Who:
GLaDOS
You broke it, didn't you.
Listens:
2624
Who:
GLaDOS
Stalemate detected. Transfer procedure cannot continue.
Listens:
2619
Who:
Announcer
We're in space!
Listens:
2613
Who:
Wheatley
Wanna go to earth wanna go to earth wanna go to earth wanna go to earth. Wanna go to earth.
Listens:
2612
Who:
Core 1
Oh, brilliant, yeah. Take one last look at your precious human moon. Because it cannot help you now!
Listens:
2610
Who:
Wheatley
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
2600
Who:
GLaDOS
We haven't entirely nailed down what element it is yet, but I'll tell you this: it's a lively one, and it does NOT like the human skeleton.
Listens:
2584
Who:
Cave Johnson
Hello?
Listens:
2584
Who:
Turret
00:00 / 00:00
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