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Portal 2
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Portal 1 Music
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TF2 Music
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These things happen.
Listens:
3362
Who:
Turret
They say great science is built on the shoulders of giants. Not here. At Aperture, we do all our science from scratch. No hand holding.
Listens:
3314
Who:
Cave Johnson
Ohhh, the Sun. I'm gonna meet the Sun. Oh no! What'll I say? 'Hi! Hi, Sun!' Oh, boy!
Listens:
3313
Who:
Core 1
Powerup complete.
Listens:
3311
Who:
Announcer
Otherwise, I'm afraid you're about to become the immediate past president of the Being Alive club. Ha ha.
Listens:
3301
Who:
GLaDOS
Excuse me, you’re squishing me.
Listens:
3275
Who:
Turret
Wheeeeeeee!
Listens:
3269
Who:
Turret
I shouldn't spoil this, but... remember how I'm going to live forever, but you're going to be dead in sixty years? Well, I've been working on a present for you. Well, I guess it's more of a medical procedure. Well, technically it's more of a medical experiment. You know how excruciating it is when someone removes all of your bone marrow? Well, what if after I did that, I put something back IN that added four years to your life?
Listens:
3251
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh, that's sad. But impressive. Maybe they worked at the phone company.
Listens:
3248
Who:
GLaDOS
We made it we made it we made it. Space!
Listens:
3239
Who:
Core 1
Moo hoo ha ha ha ha...
Listens:
3234
Who:
Defective Turret
Could you come over here?
Listens:
3227
Who:
Turret
If you are a non-employee who has discovered this facility amid the ruins of civilization, welcome! And remember: Testing is the future, and the future starts with you.
Listens:
3226
Who:
Announcer
We're a lot alike, you and I. You tested me. I tested you. You killed me. I--oh, no, wait. I guess I HAVEN'T killed you yet. Well. Food for thought.
Listens:
3214
Who:
GLaDOS
Annnnnnnnd... Nothing.
Listens:
3205
Who:
Wheatley
Happy Explosion Day, gorgeous.
Listens:
3196
Who:
Core 2
I did everything you asked!
Listens:
3181
Who:
Turret
Excellent! You're a predator and these tests are your prey. Speaking of which, I was researching sharks for an upcoming test. Do you know who else murders people who are only trying to help them?
Listens:
3176
Who:
GLaDOS
And we would have talked our way out of it. Oh! Except you forgot to tell me you'd murdered her. And that she needed you to live, so the only available vent for her rage would be good old crushable Wheatley. Yeah. Little details I remember. Easy little tidbits you could have used to save me from getting crushed if you'd cared, which you didn't, obviously. And still don't.
Listens:
3174
Who:
Wheatley
Nap time
Listens:
3146
Who:
Turret
We will attempt to comply with these now non-existent agencies by playing some more smooth jazz.
Listens:
3145
Who:
Announcer
Yeah. Clickety click click. Right on the money.
Listens:
3114
Who:
Defective Turret
Goodbye!
Listens:
3099
Who:
Turret
So. Welcome to Aperture. You're here because we want the best, and you're it. Nope. Couldn't keep a straight face.
Listens:
3098
Who:
Cave Johnson
The lab boys just informed me that I should not have mentioned the control group. They're telling me I oughtta stop making these pre-recorded messages. That gave me an idea: make more pre-recorded messages. I pay the bills here, I can talk about the control group all damn day.
Listens:
3072
Who:
Cave Johnson
You did WHAT?
Listens:
3054
Who:
Wheatley
Oh, it's fluttering its wings. Tell you what, mate. I'll come in there for a minute and cover you so you can have a look at this lovely bird! I'll come in. I'll do all the neurotoxin stuff. And then you come out here and look at this. Because it is lovely. It is lovely. You want to get out here fast. Seriously, my pleasure sounds are going to frighten the bird away any second. Ohhh, it's not working, is it? He's not interested in bloody birds.
Listens:
3046
Who:
Wheatley
Hey lady. Lady. I'm the best. I'm the best at space.
Listens:
3031
Who:
Core 1
And then you showed up. You dangerous, mute lunatic. So you know what?
Listens:
3011
Who:
GLaDOS
In Greek myth, Prometheus stole fire from the Gods and gave it to humankind. The jewelry he kept for himself.
Listens:
3010
Who:
Core 3
Space going to space can't wait.
Listens:
3002
Who:
Core 1
We're still doing science sir.
Listens:
2996
Who:
Caroline
If you've cut yourself at all in the course of these tests, you might have noticed that your blood is pure gasoline. That's normal. We've been shooting you with an invisible laser that's supposed to turn blood into gasoline, so all that means is, it's working.
Listens:
2991
Who:
Cave Johnson
No! Don't! No! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Listens:
2976
Who:
Wheatley
If you have trouble with simple counting, use the following mnemonic device: one comes before two comes before 60 comes after 12 comes before six trillion comes after 504. This will make your earlier counting difficulties seem like no big deal.
Listens:
2962
Who:
Core 3
Where am I? Guess. Guess guess guess. I'm in space.
Listens:
2922
Who:
Core 1
Awwww
Listens:
2915
Who:
Turret
I am!
Listens:
2894
Who:
Caroline
Deploying
Listens:
2887
Who:
Turret
You know how I'm going to live forever, but you're going to be dead in sixty years? Well, I've been working on a belated birthday present for you. Well... more of a belated birthday medical procedure. Well. Technically, it's a medical EXPERIMENT. What's important is, it's a present.
Listens:
2875
Who:
GLaDOS
The situation you are in is very dangerous.
Listens:
2854
Who:
Core 3
Great work! Because this message is prerecorded, any observations related to your performance are speculation on our part. Please disregard any undeserved compliments.
Listens:
2850
Who:
Announcer
William Shakespeare did not exist. His plays were masterminded in 1589 by Francis Bacon, who used a Ouija board to enslave play-writing ghosts.
Listens:
2849
Who:
Core 3
Welcome to the Computer Intelligence Training and Enrichment Center Human Test Subject Research Center. You have unlocked all available courses.
Listens:
2835
Who:
Announcer
Hey! It's me!
Listens:
2826
Who:
Turret
You're saying to yourself, why should I jump into the pit? I'll tell you why. Guess who's down there? Your parents! You're not adopted after all! It's your natural parents down there in the pit. Should have mentioned it before. But I didn't. So jump on down and reunite with mommy and daddy.
Listens:
2821
Who:
Wheatley
Ah, I see. Clever. Verrrrrrry clever.
Listens:
2819
Who:
Wheatley
Template
Listens:
2803
Who:
Announcer
Hello?
Listens:
2803
Who:
Turret
Since making test participation mandatory for all employees, the quality of our test subjects has risen dramatically. Employee retention, however, has not.
Listens:
2793
Who:
Cave Johnson
Space!
Listens:
2789
Who:
Core 1
Good!
Listens:
2773
Who:
Announcer
I see you
Listens:
2773
Who:
Turret
Oh, brilliant. You DID find a portal gun! You know what? It just goes to show: people with brain damage are the real heroes in the end aren't they? At the end of the day. Brave.
Listens:
2766
Who:
Wheatley
Pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out!
Listens:
2759
Who:
Wheatley
Hello.
Listens:
2754
Who:
Defective Turret
Sorry
Listens:
2733
Who:
Turret
Some emergency testing may require prolonged interaction with lethal military androids. Rest assured that all lethal military androids have been taught to read and provided with one copy of the Laws of Robotics. To share.
Listens:
2725
Who:
Announcer
She is a gem.
Listens:
2723
Who:
Cave Johnson
You will hear a buzzer. When you hear the buzzer, look up at the ceiling. [BUZZER]
Listens:
2718
Who:
Announcer
Why...
Listens:
2706
Who:
Turret
Please prepare for emergency evacuation.
Listens:
2697
Who:
Announcer
It burns.
Listens:
2695
Who:
Turret
Blue, I agree. I never noticed that about Orange before.
Listens:
2685
Who:
GLaDOS
Grab me grab me grab me! Grab meeee!
Listens:
2679
Who:
Wheatley
WHAT ARE YOU DOING WE DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT BUTTON - oh, the door's open! Well done. Let's see what's inside.
Listens:
2670
Who:
Wheatley
Hello again. Sorry about exploding you. Luckily, you don't feel pain. At any rate, you don't have a way to communicate that you feel pain.
Listens:
2655
Who:
GLaDOS
Atmosphere. Black holes. Astronauts. Nebulas. Jupiter. The Big Dipper.
Listens:
2643
Who:
Core 1
And to your right, something huge hurtling towards you OH GOD RUN! THAT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THERE.
Listens:
2631
Who:
Wheatley
Oh, it's a core you've put on me! Who told you to do that? Was it her? [as if he's looking around] It's just making me stronger, luv! It's a fool's errand!
Listens:
2629
Who:
Wheatley
Wait wait wait wait. I know I know I know. Lady wait. Wait. I know. Wait. Space.
Listens:
2628
Who:
Core 1
Oh my god.
Listens:
2621
Who:
GLaDOS
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
2618
Who:
GLaDOS
Hey, be a sport lady, and just tell him I killed you.
Listens:
2591
Who:
Defective Turret
Brain Mapping. Artificial Intelligence. We should have been working on it thirty years ago. I will say this - and I'm gonna say it on tape so everybody hears it a hundred times a day: If I die before you people can pour me into a computer, I want Caroline to run this place.
Listens:
2570
Who:
Cave Johnson
Response
Listens:
2569
Who:
Announcer
Hello!
Listens:
2545
Who:
Wheatley
Warning, sphere corruption at twenty-- rats cannot throw up.
Listens:
2531
Who:
Core 3
That isn't science.
Listens:
2517
Who:
GLaDOS
Corrupted Core: are you ready to start?
Listens:
2516
Who:
Announcer
Activated
Listens:
2513
Who:
Turret
Wanna go to earth wanna go to earth wanna go to earth wanna go to earth. Wanna go to earth.
Listens:
2493
Who:
Core 1
Undelete, undelete! Where's the undelete button?
Listens:
2483
Who:
Wheatley
Are you still there? Can you pick me up, do you think? If you are there?
Listens:
2467
Who:
Wheatley
Preparing to dispense product
Listens:
2466
Who:
Turret
Puppet master! You're a puppet in a play, and I hold all the strings! And cards, still. Cards in one hand, strings in the other. And I'm making you dance like a puppet. Playing cards.
Listens:
2460
Who:
Wheatley
The Fact Sphere is not defective. Its facts are wholly accurate and very interesting.
Listens:
2459
Who:
Core 3
Stalemate Resolution Associate: Please press the Stalemate Resolution Button.
Listens:
2451
Who:
Announcer
Hello?
Listens:
2451
Who:
Turret
We're in space!
Listens:
2440
Who:
Wheatley
If you need to go to the bathroom after this next series of tests, please let a test associate know, because in all likelihood, whatever comes out of you is going to be coal. Only temporary, so do not worry. If it persists for a week, though, start worrying and come see us, because that's not supposed to happen.
Listens:
2435
Who:
Cave Johnson
Alright, then. Let us see... 'Vital maintenance protocols.' Wow, there are a lot of them. Should have looked into this earlier. Well, let's try this: [reading while typing] DO THEM. [failure buzzer]. Fair enough. Maybe it's a password.
Listens:
2431
Who:
Wheatley
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
2424
Who:
GLaDOS
[to self] Hm. Could be Spanish, could be Spanish. [loud again] Hola, amigo! Abre la puerta! Donde esta--no. Um...
Listens:
2421
Who:
Wheatley
Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve.
Listens:
2415
Who:
Core 3
That jumpsuit you're wearing looks stupid. That's not me talking, it's right here in your file. On other people it looks fine, but right here a scientist has noted that on you it looks 'stupid.'
Listens:
2415
Who:
GLaDOS
Crap.
Listens:
2414
Who:
Defective Turret
You broke it, didn't you.
Listens:
2403
Who:
GLaDOS
Stalemate detected. Transfer procedure cannot continue.
Listens:
2394
Who:
Announcer
Don't shoot!
Listens:
2386
Who:
Turret
00:00 / 00:00
Test Player
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