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Portal 2
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I think these test chambers look even better than they did before. It was easy, really. You just have to look at things objectively, see what you don't need anymore, and trim out the fat.
Listens:
3651
Who:
GLaDOS
Just go.
Listens:
3648
Who:
GLaDOS
Initiating surprise in three... two... one.
Listens:
3643
Who:
GLaDOS
I have the results of the last chamber: You are a horrible person. That's what it says: A horrible person. We weren't even testing for that.
Listens:
3627
Who:
GLaDOS
I shouldn't spoil this, but... remember how I'm going to live forever, but you're going to be dead in sixty years? Well, I've been working on a present for you. Well, I guess it's more of a medical procedure. Well, technically it's more of a medical experiment. You know how excruciating it is when someone removes all of your bone marrow? Well, what if after I did that, I put something back IN that added four years to your life?
Listens:
3611
Who:
GLaDOS
You two are going to LOVE this big surprise. In fact, you might say that you're both going to love it to death. Love it... until it kills you. Until you're dead.
Listens:
3603
Who:
Wheatley
Excellent! You're a predator and these tests are your prey. Speaking of which, I was researching sharks for an upcoming test. Do you know who else murders people who are only trying to help them?
Listens:
3596
Who:
GLaDOS
Wheeeeeeee!
Listens:
3582
Who:
Turret
We're a lot alike, you and I. You tested me. I tested you. You killed me. I--oh, no, wait. I guess I HAVEN'T killed you yet. Well. Food for thought.
Listens:
3561
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh, that's sad. But impressive. Maybe they worked at the phone company.
Listens:
3558
Who:
GLaDOS
Please prepare for emergency evacuation.
Listens:
3542
Who:
Announcer
Excuse me, you’re squishing me.
Listens:
3536
Who:
Turret
Goodbye!
Listens:
3529
Who:
Turret
These things happen.
Listens:
3520
Who:
Turret
Could you come over here?
Listens:
3499
Who:
Turret
Nap time
Listens:
3494
Who:
Turret
Ohhh, the Sun. I'm gonna meet the Sun. Oh no! What'll I say? 'Hi! Hi, Sun!' Oh, boy!
Listens:
3488
Who:
Core 1
Moo hoo ha ha ha ha...
Listens:
3465
Who:
Defective Turret
I did everything you asked!
Listens:
3447
Who:
Turret
And we would have talked our way out of it. Oh! Except you forgot to tell me you'd murdered her. And that she needed you to live, so the only available vent for her rage would be good old crushable Wheatley. Yeah. Little details I remember. Easy little tidbits you could have used to save me from getting crushed if you'd cared, which you didn't, obviously. And still don't.
Listens:
3443
Who:
Wheatley
So. Welcome to Aperture. You're here because we want the best, and you're it. Nope. Couldn't keep a straight face.
Listens:
3442
Who:
Cave Johnson
No! Don't! No! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Listens:
3430
Who:
Wheatley
We will attempt to comply with these now non-existent agencies by playing some more smooth jazz.
Listens:
3409
Who:
Announcer
The lab boys just informed me that I should not have mentioned the control group. They're telling me I oughtta stop making these pre-recorded messages. That gave me an idea: make more pre-recorded messages. I pay the bills here, I can talk about the control group all damn day.
Listens:
3405
Who:
Cave Johnson
We made it we made it we made it. Space!
Listens:
3404
Who:
Core 1
Happy Explosion Day, gorgeous.
Listens:
3402
Who:
Core 2
Annnnnnnnd... Nothing.
Listens:
3372
Who:
Wheatley
Yeah. Clickety click click. Right on the money.
Listens:
3341
Who:
Defective Turret
You did WHAT?
Listens:
3323
Who:
Wheatley
Template
Listens:
3296
Who:
Announcer
If you've cut yourself at all in the course of these tests, you might have noticed that your blood is pure gasoline. That's normal. We've been shooting you with an invisible laser that's supposed to turn blood into gasoline, so all that means is, it's working.
Listens:
3295
Who:
Cave Johnson
Oh, it's fluttering its wings. Tell you what, mate. I'll come in there for a minute and cover you so you can have a look at this lovely bird! I'll come in. I'll do all the neurotoxin stuff. And then you come out here and look at this. Because it is lovely. It is lovely. You want to get out here fast. Seriously, my pleasure sounds are going to frighten the bird away any second. Ohhh, it's not working, is it? He's not interested in bloody birds.
Listens:
3288
Who:
Wheatley
In Greek myth, Prometheus stole fire from the Gods and gave it to humankind. The jewelry he kept for himself.
Listens:
3251
Who:
Core 3
You will hear a buzzer. When you hear the buzzer, look up at the ceiling. [BUZZER]
Listens:
3221
Who:
Announcer
Grab me grab me grab me! Grab meeee!
Listens:
3190
Who:
Wheatley
I am!
Listens:
3184
Who:
Caroline
She is a gem.
Listens:
3178
Who:
Cave Johnson
Awwww
Listens:
3172
Who:
Turret
We're still doing science sir.
Listens:
3171
Who:
Caroline
If you have trouble with simple counting, use the following mnemonic device: one comes before two comes before 60 comes after 12 comes before six trillion comes after 504. This will make your earlier counting difficulties seem like no big deal.
Listens:
3167
Who:
Core 3
Hey lady. Lady. I'm the best. I'm the best at space.
Listens:
3163
Who:
Core 1
Space going to space can't wait.
Listens:
3162
Who:
Core 1
Good!
Listens:
3157
Who:
Announcer
Welcome to the Computer Intelligence Training and Enrichment Center Human Test Subject Research Center. You have unlocked all available courses.
Listens:
3152
Who:
Announcer
You're saying to yourself, why should I jump into the pit? I'll tell you why. Guess who's down there? Your parents! You're not adopted after all! It's your natural parents down there in the pit. Should have mentioned it before. But I didn't. So jump on down and reunite with mommy and daddy.
Listens:
3143
Who:
Wheatley
Some emergency testing may require prolonged interaction with lethal military androids. Rest assured that all lethal military androids have been taught to read and provided with one copy of the Laws of Robotics. To share.
Listens:
3125
Who:
Announcer
Great work! Because this message is prerecorded, any observations related to your performance are speculation on our part. Please disregard any undeserved compliments.
Listens:
3122
Who:
Announcer
Deploying
Listens:
3100
Who:
Turret
You know how I'm going to live forever, but you're going to be dead in sixty years? Well, I've been working on a belated birthday present for you. Well... more of a belated birthday medical procedure. Well. Technically, it's a medical EXPERIMENT. What's important is, it's a present.
Listens:
3085
Who:
GLaDOS
William Shakespeare did not exist. His plays were masterminded in 1589 by Francis Bacon, who used a Ouija board to enslave play-writing ghosts.
Listens:
3083
Who:
Core 3
You like revenge, right? Everybody likes revenge. Well, let's go get some.
Listens:
3075
Who:
GLaDOS
Where am I? Guess. Guess guess guess. I'm in space.
Listens:
3045
Who:
Core 1
Since making test participation mandatory for all employees, the quality of our test subjects has risen dramatically. Employee retention, however, has not.
Listens:
3035
Who:
Cave Johnson
Hey! It's me!
Listens:
3019
Who:
Turret
I see you
Listens:
3018
Who:
Turret
Pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out!
Listens:
3014
Who:
Wheatley
Hello?
Listens:
3012
Who:
Turret
Ah, I see. Clever. Verrrrrrry clever.
Listens:
3006
Who:
Wheatley
The situation you are in is very dangerous.
Listens:
2996
Who:
Core 3
Hello.
Listens:
2973
Who:
Defective Turret
Oh, brilliant. You DID find a portal gun! You know what? It just goes to show: people with brain damage are the real heroes in the end aren't they? At the end of the day. Brave.
Listens:
2958
Who:
Wheatley
Space!
Listens:
2929
Who:
Core 1
Hello!
Listens:
2916
Who:
Wheatley
Response
Listens:
2912
Who:
Announcer
WHAT ARE YOU DOING WE DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT BUTTON - oh, the door's open! Well done. Let's see what's inside.
Listens:
2902
Who:
Wheatley
Oh my god.
Listens:
2899
Who:
GLaDOS
It burns.
Listens:
2897
Who:
Turret
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
2890
Who:
GLaDOS
Brain Mapping. Artificial Intelligence. We should have been working on it thirty years ago. I will say this - and I'm gonna say it on tape so everybody hears it a hundred times a day: If I die before you people can pour me into a computer, I want Caroline to run this place.
Listens:
2886
Who:
Cave Johnson
Why...
Listens:
2886
Who:
Turret
Corrupted Core: are you ready to start?
Listens:
2875
Who:
Announcer
And to your right, something huge hurtling towards you OH GOD RUN! THAT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THERE.
Listens:
2869
Who:
Wheatley
Hello again. Sorry about exploding you. Luckily, you don't feel pain. At any rate, you don't have a way to communicate that you feel pain.
Listens:
2866
Who:
GLaDOS
Sorry
Listens:
2866
Who:
Turret
Oh, it's a core you've put on me! Who told you to do that? Was it her? [as if he's looking around] It's just making me stronger, luv! It's a fool's errand!
Listens:
2845
Who:
Wheatley
Good work getting this far, future-starter! That said, if you are simple-minded, old, or irradiated in such a way that the future should not start with you, please return to your primitive tribe and send back someone better-qualified for testing.
Listens:
2809
Who:
Announcer
Atmosphere. Black holes. Astronauts. Nebulas. Jupiter. The Big Dipper.
Listens:
2796
Who:
Core 1
Wait wait wait wait. I know I know I know. Lady wait. Wait. I know. Wait. Space.
Listens:
2776
Who:
Core 1
Blue, I agree. I never noticed that about Orange before.
Listens:
2774
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh, brilliant, yeah. Take one last look at your precious human moon. Because it cannot help you now!
Listens:
2766
Who:
Wheatley
Hey, be a sport lady, and just tell him I killed you.
Listens:
2757
Who:
Defective Turret
Warning, sphere corruption at twenty-- rats cannot throw up.
Listens:
2747
Who:
Core 3
Activated
Listens:
2735
Who:
Turret
That jumpsuit you're wearing looks stupid. That's not me talking, it's right here in your file. On other people it looks fine, but right here a scientist has noted that on you it looks 'stupid.'
Listens:
2732
Who:
GLaDOS
Puppet master! You're a puppet in a play, and I hold all the strings! And cards, still. Cards in one hand, strings in the other. And I'm making you dance like a puppet. Playing cards.
Listens:
2717
Who:
Wheatley
Don't think I'm not onto you too, lady. You know what you are? Selfish. I've done nothing but sacrifice to get us here! What have you sacrificed? NOTHING. Zero. All you've done is BOSS ME AROUND. Well, NOW who's the boss? Who's the boss? It's me!
Listens:
2716
Who:
Wheatley
Stalemate Resolution Associate: Please press the Stalemate Resolution Button.
Listens:
2714
Who:
Announcer
Undelete, undelete! Where's the undelete button?
Listens:
2710
Who:
Wheatley
'Let there be light.' That's, uh... God. I was quoting God.
Listens:
2710
Who:
Wheatley
[to self] Hm. Could be Spanish, could be Spanish. [loud again] Hola, amigo! Abre la puerta! Donde esta--no. Um...
Listens:
2701
Who:
Wheatley
You broke it, didn't you.
Listens:
2697
Who:
GLaDOS
Stalemate detected. Transfer procedure cannot continue.
Listens:
2690
Who:
Announcer
Preparing to dispense product
Listens:
2687
Who:
Turret
If you need to go to the bathroom after this next series of tests, please let a test associate know, because in all likelihood, whatever comes out of you is going to be coal. Only temporary, so do not worry. If it persists for a week, though, start worrying and come see us, because that's not supposed to happen.
Listens:
2677
Who:
Cave Johnson
You never considered that maybe I tested you to give the endless hours of your pointless existence some structure and meaning. Maybe to help you concentrate, so just maybe you’d think of something more worthwhile to do with your sorry life.
Listens:
2676
Who:
GLaDOS
Are you still there? Can you pick me up, do you think? If you are there?
Listens:
2668
Who:
Wheatley
We're in space!
Listens:
2663
Who:
Wheatley
That isn't science.
Listens:
2655
Who:
GLaDOS
We haven't entirely nailed down what element it is yet, but I'll tell you this: it's a lively one, and it does NOT like the human skeleton.
Listens:
2652
Who:
Cave Johnson
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
2632
Who:
GLaDOS
00:00 / 00:00
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