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I have the results of the last chamber: You are a horrible person. That's what it says: A horrible person. We weren't even testing for that.
Listens:
3492
Who:
GLaDOS
They say great science is built on the shoulders of giants. Not here. At Aperture, we do all our science from scratch. No hand holding.
Listens:
3488
Who:
Cave Johnson
You two are going to LOVE this big surprise. In fact, you might say that you're both going to love it to death. Love it... until it kills you. Until you're dead.
Listens:
3463
Who:
Wheatley
Wheeeeeeee!
Listens:
3448
Who:
Turret
These things happen.
Listens:
3445
Who:
Turret
I shouldn't spoil this, but... remember how I'm going to live forever, but you're going to be dead in sixty years? Well, I've been working on a present for you. Well, I guess it's more of a medical procedure. Well, technically it's more of a medical experiment. You know how excruciating it is when someone removes all of your bone marrow? Well, what if after I did that, I put something back IN that added four years to your life?
Listens:
3432
Who:
GLaDOS
Excuse me, you’re squishing me.
Listens:
3429
Who:
Turret
Oh, that's sad. But impressive. Maybe they worked at the phone company.
Listens:
3394
Who:
GLaDOS
Ohhh, the Sun. I'm gonna meet the Sun. Oh no! What'll I say? 'Hi! Hi, Sun!' Oh, boy!
Listens:
3387
Who:
Core 1
If you are a non-employee who has discovered this facility amid the ruins of civilization, welcome! And remember: Testing is the future, and the future starts with you.
Listens:
3379
Who:
Announcer
We're a lot alike, you and I. You tested me. I tested you. You killed me. I--oh, no, wait. I guess I HAVEN'T killed you yet. Well. Food for thought.
Listens:
3351
Who:
GLaDOS
Moo hoo ha ha ha ha...
Listens:
3346
Who:
Defective Turret
Could you come over here?
Listens:
3338
Who:
Turret
Excellent! You're a predator and these tests are your prey. Speaking of which, I was researching sharks for an upcoming test. Do you know who else murders people who are only trying to help them?
Listens:
3326
Who:
GLaDOS
We made it we made it we made it. Space!
Listens:
3320
Who:
Core 1
Nap time
Listens:
3303
Who:
Turret
Annnnnnnnd... Nothing.
Listens:
3297
Who:
Wheatley
Happy Explosion Day, gorgeous.
Listens:
3291
Who:
Core 2
I did everything you asked!
Listens:
3289
Who:
Turret
And then you showed up. You dangerous, mute lunatic. So you know what?
Listens:
3286
Who:
GLaDOS
And we would have talked our way out of it. Oh! Except you forgot to tell me you'd murdered her. And that she needed you to live, so the only available vent for her rage would be good old crushable Wheatley. Yeah. Little details I remember. Easy little tidbits you could have used to save me from getting crushed if you'd cared, which you didn't, obviously. And still don't.
Listens:
3273
Who:
Wheatley
We will attempt to comply with these now non-existent agencies by playing some more smooth jazz.
Listens:
3264
Who:
Announcer
So. Welcome to Aperture. You're here because we want the best, and you're it. Nope. Couldn't keep a straight face.
Listens:
3254
Who:
Cave Johnson
No! Don't! No! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Listens:
3244
Who:
Wheatley
The lab boys just informed me that I should not have mentioned the control group. They're telling me I oughtta stop making these pre-recorded messages. That gave me an idea: make more pre-recorded messages. I pay the bills here, I can talk about the control group all damn day.
Listens:
3225
Who:
Cave Johnson
Yeah. Clickety click click. Right on the money.
Listens:
3221
Who:
Defective Turret
Goodbye!
Listens:
3206
Who:
Turret
You did WHAT?
Listens:
3168
Who:
Wheatley
Oh, it's fluttering its wings. Tell you what, mate. I'll come in there for a minute and cover you so you can have a look at this lovely bird! I'll come in. I'll do all the neurotoxin stuff. And then you come out here and look at this. Because it is lovely. It is lovely. You want to get out here fast. Seriously, my pleasure sounds are going to frighten the bird away any second. Ohhh, it's not working, is it? He's not interested in bloody birds.
Listens:
3152
Who:
Wheatley
Hey lady. Lady. I'm the best. I'm the best at space.
Listens:
3101
Who:
Core 1
If you've cut yourself at all in the course of these tests, you might have noticed that your blood is pure gasoline. That's normal. We've been shooting you with an invisible laser that's supposed to turn blood into gasoline, so all that means is, it's working.
Listens:
3094
Who:
Cave Johnson
In Greek myth, Prometheus stole fire from the Gods and gave it to humankind. The jewelry he kept for himself.
Listens:
3090
Who:
Core 3
Space going to space can't wait.
Listens:
3086
Who:
Core 1
We're still doing science sir.
Listens:
3075
Who:
Caroline
I am!
Listens:
3064
Who:
Caroline
If you have trouble with simple counting, use the following mnemonic device: one comes before two comes before 60 comes after 12 comes before six trillion comes after 504. This will make your earlier counting difficulties seem like no big deal.
Listens:
3060
Who:
Core 3
Awwww
Listens:
3053
Who:
Turret
Template
Listens:
3048
Who:
Announcer
Please prepare for emergency evacuation.
Listens:
3011
Who:
Announcer
Deploying
Listens:
3010
Who:
Turret
Where am I? Guess. Guess guess guess. I'm in space.
Listens:
2995
Who:
Core 1
Welcome to the Computer Intelligence Training and Enrichment Center Human Test Subject Research Center. You have unlocked all available courses.
Listens:
2992
Who:
Announcer
You know how I'm going to live forever, but you're going to be dead in sixty years? Well, I've been working on a belated birthday present for you. Well... more of a belated birthday medical procedure. Well. Technically, it's a medical EXPERIMENT. What's important is, it's a present.
Listens:
2975
Who:
GLaDOS
Good!
Listens:
2972
Who:
Announcer
Great work! Because this message is prerecorded, any observations related to your performance are speculation on our part. Please disregard any undeserved compliments.
Listens:
2971
Who:
Announcer
She is a gem.
Listens:
2955
Who:
Cave Johnson
William Shakespeare did not exist. His plays were masterminded in 1589 by Francis Bacon, who used a Ouija board to enslave play-writing ghosts.
Listens:
2953
Who:
Core 3
You will hear a buzzer. When you hear the buzzer, look up at the ceiling. [BUZZER]
Listens:
2945
Who:
Announcer
Hey! It's me!
Listens:
2940
Who:
Turret
You're saying to yourself, why should I jump into the pit? I'll tell you why. Guess who's down there? Your parents! You're not adopted after all! It's your natural parents down there in the pit. Should have mentioned it before. But I didn't. So jump on down and reunite with mommy and daddy.
Listens:
2930
Who:
Wheatley
Since making test participation mandatory for all employees, the quality of our test subjects has risen dramatically. Employee retention, however, has not.
Listens:
2926
Who:
Cave Johnson
The situation you are in is very dangerous.
Listens:
2923
Who:
Core 3
Hello?
Listens:
2913
Who:
Turret
Ah, I see. Clever. Verrrrrrry clever.
Listens:
2900
Who:
Wheatley
Grab me grab me grab me! Grab meeee!
Listens:
2890
Who:
Wheatley
Some emergency testing may require prolonged interaction with lethal military androids. Rest assured that all lethal military androids have been taught to read and provided with one copy of the Laws of Robotics. To share.
Listens:
2878
Who:
Announcer
Hello.
Listens:
2873
Who:
Defective Turret
Space!
Listens:
2865
Who:
Core 1
Oh, brilliant. You DID find a portal gun! You know what? It just goes to show: people with brain damage are the real heroes in the end aren't they? At the end of the day. Brave.
Listens:
2864
Who:
Wheatley
I see you
Listens:
2863
Who:
Turret
Pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out!
Listens:
2850
Who:
Wheatley
Sorry
Listens:
2827
Who:
Turret
Why...
Listens:
2813
Who:
Turret
WHAT ARE YOU DOING WE DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT BUTTON - oh, the door's open! Well done. Let's see what's inside.
Listens:
2812
Who:
Wheatley
It burns.
Listens:
2805
Who:
Turret
Hello again. Sorry about exploding you. Luckily, you don't feel pain. At any rate, you don't have a way to communicate that you feel pain.
Listens:
2762
Who:
GLaDOS
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
2761
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh my god.
Listens:
2753
Who:
GLaDOS
Response
Listens:
2752
Who:
Announcer
Atmosphere. Black holes. Astronauts. Nebulas. Jupiter. The Big Dipper.
Listens:
2730
Who:
Core 1
Hello!
Listens:
2729
Who:
Wheatley
Blue, I agree. I never noticed that about Orange before.
Listens:
2725
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh, it's a core you've put on me! Who told you to do that? Was it her? [as if he's looking around] It's just making me stronger, luv! It's a fool's errand!
Listens:
2725
Who:
Wheatley
And to your right, something huge hurtling towards you OH GOD RUN! THAT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THERE.
Listens:
2720
Who:
Wheatley
Brain Mapping. Artificial Intelligence. We should have been working on it thirty years ago. I will say this - and I'm gonna say it on tape so everybody hears it a hundred times a day: If I die before you people can pour me into a computer, I want Caroline to run this place.
Listens:
2700
Who:
Cave Johnson
Wait wait wait wait. I know I know I know. Lady wait. Wait. I know. Wait. Space.
Listens:
2692
Who:
Core 1
Hey, be a sport lady, and just tell him I killed you.
Listens:
2687
Who:
Defective Turret
Corrupted Core: are you ready to start?
Listens:
2661
Who:
Announcer
You like revenge, right? Everybody likes revenge. Well, let's go get some.
Listens:
2655
Who:
GLaDOS
Warning, sphere corruption at twenty-- rats cannot throw up.
Listens:
2633
Who:
Core 3
Activated
Listens:
2608
Who:
Turret
Preparing to dispense product
Listens:
2603
Who:
Turret
Undelete, undelete! Where's the undelete button?
Listens:
2596
Who:
Wheatley
That isn't science.
Listens:
2589
Who:
GLaDOS
That jumpsuit you're wearing looks stupid. That's not me talking, it's right here in your file. On other people it looks fine, but right here a scientist has noted that on you it looks 'stupid.'
Listens:
2582
Who:
GLaDOS
Stalemate Resolution Associate: Please press the Stalemate Resolution Button.
Listens:
2577
Who:
Announcer
Good work getting this far, future-starter! That said, if you are simple-minded, old, or irradiated in such a way that the future should not start with you, please return to your primitive tribe and send back someone better-qualified for testing.
Listens:
2576
Who:
Announcer
Are you still there? Can you pick me up, do you think? If you are there?
Listens:
2568
Who:
Wheatley
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
2563
Who:
GLaDOS
Puppet master! You're a puppet in a play, and I hold all the strings! And cards, still. Cards in one hand, strings in the other. And I'm making you dance like a puppet. Playing cards.
Listens:
2562
Who:
Wheatley
Wanna go to earth wanna go to earth wanna go to earth wanna go to earth. Wanna go to earth.
Listens:
2555
Who:
Core 1
You broke it, didn't you.
Listens:
2548
Who:
GLaDOS
[to self] Hm. Could be Spanish, could be Spanish. [loud again] Hola, amigo! Abre la puerta! Donde esta--no. Um...
Listens:
2547
Who:
Wheatley
Stalemate detected. Transfer procedure cannot continue.
Listens:
2539
Who:
Announcer
We're in space!
Listens:
2539
Who:
Wheatley
If you need to go to the bathroom after this next series of tests, please let a test associate know, because in all likelihood, whatever comes out of you is going to be coal. Only temporary, so do not worry. If it persists for a week, though, start worrying and come see us, because that's not supposed to happen.
Listens:
2534
Who:
Cave Johnson
Hello?
Listens:
2534
Who:
Turret
Crap.
Listens:
2532
Who:
Defective Turret
Alright, then. Let us see... 'Vital maintenance protocols.' Wow, there are a lot of them. Should have looked into this earlier. Well, let's try this: [reading while typing] DO THEM. [failure buzzer]. Fair enough. Maybe it's a password.
Listens:
2522
Who:
Wheatley
The Fact Sphere is not defective. Its facts are wholly accurate and very interesting.
Listens:
2521
Who:
Core 3
00:00 / 00:00
Test Player
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