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I have the results of the last chamber: You are a horrible person. That's what it says: A horrible person. We weren't even testing for that.
Listens:
3467
Who:
GLaDOS
You two are going to LOVE this big surprise. In fact, you might say that you're both going to love it to death. Love it... until it kills you. Until you're dead.
Listens:
3444
Who:
Wheatley
They say great science is built on the shoulders of giants. Not here. At Aperture, we do all our science from scratch. No hand holding.
Listens:
3435
Who:
Cave Johnson
These things happen.
Listens:
3431
Who:
Turret
Wheeeeeeee!
Listens:
3421
Who:
Turret
Excuse me, you’re squishing me.
Listens:
3404
Who:
Turret
I shouldn't spoil this, but... remember how I'm going to live forever, but you're going to be dead in sixty years? Well, I've been working on a present for you. Well, I guess it's more of a medical procedure. Well, technically it's more of a medical experiment. You know how excruciating it is when someone removes all of your bone marrow? Well, what if after I did that, I put something back IN that added four years to your life?
Listens:
3392
Who:
GLaDOS
Ohhh, the Sun. I'm gonna meet the Sun. Oh no! What'll I say? 'Hi! Hi, Sun!' Oh, boy!
Listens:
3375
Who:
Core 1
Oh, that's sad. But impressive. Maybe they worked at the phone company.
Listens:
3372
Who:
GLaDOS
If you are a non-employee who has discovered this facility amid the ruins of civilization, welcome! And remember: Testing is the future, and the future starts with you.
Listens:
3336
Who:
Announcer
Moo hoo ha ha ha ha...
Listens:
3327
Who:
Defective Turret
We're a lot alike, you and I. You tested me. I tested you. You killed me. I--oh, no, wait. I guess I HAVEN'T killed you yet. Well. Food for thought.
Listens:
3319
Who:
GLaDOS
Could you come over here?
Listens:
3315
Who:
Turret
Excellent! You're a predator and these tests are your prey. Speaking of which, I was researching sharks for an upcoming test. Do you know who else murders people who are only trying to help them?
Listens:
3308
Who:
GLaDOS
We made it we made it we made it. Space!
Listens:
3296
Who:
Core 1
Annnnnnnnd... Nothing.
Listens:
3281
Who:
Wheatley
I did everything you asked!
Listens:
3270
Who:
Turret
Happy Explosion Day, gorgeous.
Listens:
3262
Who:
Core 2
And we would have talked our way out of it. Oh! Except you forgot to tell me you'd murdered her. And that she needed you to live, so the only available vent for her rage would be good old crushable Wheatley. Yeah. Little details I remember. Easy little tidbits you could have used to save me from getting crushed if you'd cared, which you didn't, obviously. And still don't.
Listens:
3259
Who:
Wheatley
Nap time
Listens:
3259
Who:
Turret
We will attempt to comply with these now non-existent agencies by playing some more smooth jazz.
Listens:
3248
Who:
Announcer
No! Don't! No! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Listens:
3222
Who:
Wheatley
And then you showed up. You dangerous, mute lunatic. So you know what?
Listens:
3198
Who:
GLaDOS
Yeah. Clickety click click. Right on the money.
Listens:
3195
Who:
Defective Turret
The lab boys just informed me that I should not have mentioned the control group. They're telling me I oughtta stop making these pre-recorded messages. That gave me an idea: make more pre-recorded messages. I pay the bills here, I can talk about the control group all damn day.
Listens:
3193
Who:
Cave Johnson
So. Welcome to Aperture. You're here because we want the best, and you're it. Nope. Couldn't keep a straight face.
Listens:
3191
Who:
Cave Johnson
Goodbye!
Listens:
3177
Who:
Turret
You did WHAT?
Listens:
3145
Who:
Wheatley
Oh, it's fluttering its wings. Tell you what, mate. I'll come in there for a minute and cover you so you can have a look at this lovely bird! I'll come in. I'll do all the neurotoxin stuff. And then you come out here and look at this. Because it is lovely. It is lovely. You want to get out here fast. Seriously, my pleasure sounds are going to frighten the bird away any second. Ohhh, it's not working, is it? He's not interested in bloody birds.
Listens:
3131
Who:
Wheatley
Hey lady. Lady. I'm the best. I'm the best at space.
Listens:
3092
Who:
Core 1
If you've cut yourself at all in the course of these tests, you might have noticed that your blood is pure gasoline. That's normal. We've been shooting you with an invisible laser that's supposed to turn blood into gasoline, so all that means is, it's working.
Listens:
3074
Who:
Cave Johnson
Space going to space can't wait.
Listens:
3074
Who:
Core 1
In Greek myth, Prometheus stole fire from the Gods and gave it to humankind. The jewelry he kept for himself.
Listens:
3072
Who:
Core 3
We're still doing science sir.
Listens:
3063
Who:
Caroline
Awwww
Listens:
3032
Who:
Turret
I am!
Listens:
3031
Who:
Caroline
If you have trouble with simple counting, use the following mnemonic device: one comes before two comes before 60 comes after 12 comes before six trillion comes after 504. This will make your earlier counting difficulties seem like no big deal.
Listens:
3028
Who:
Core 3
Template
Listens:
3008
Who:
Announcer
Deploying
Listens:
2990
Who:
Turret
Where am I? Guess. Guess guess guess. I'm in space.
Listens:
2988
Who:
Core 1
Please prepare for emergency evacuation.
Listens:
2961
Who:
Announcer
Welcome to the Computer Intelligence Training and Enrichment Center Human Test Subject Research Center. You have unlocked all available courses.
Listens:
2958
Who:
Announcer
Great work! Because this message is prerecorded, any observations related to your performance are speculation on our part. Please disregard any undeserved compliments.
Listens:
2955
Who:
Announcer
You know how I'm going to live forever, but you're going to be dead in sixty years? Well, I've been working on a belated birthday present for you. Well... more of a belated birthday medical procedure. Well. Technically, it's a medical EXPERIMENT. What's important is, it's a present.
Listens:
2948
Who:
GLaDOS
Good!
Listens:
2939
Who:
Announcer
William Shakespeare did not exist. His plays were masterminded in 1589 by Francis Bacon, who used a Ouija board to enslave play-writing ghosts.
Listens:
2937
Who:
Core 3
Hey! It's me!
Listens:
2923
Who:
Turret
The situation you are in is very dangerous.
Listens:
2915
Who:
Core 3
She is a gem.
Listens:
2909
Who:
Cave Johnson
You're saying to yourself, why should I jump into the pit? I'll tell you why. Guess who's down there? Your parents! You're not adopted after all! It's your natural parents down there in the pit. Should have mentioned it before. But I didn't. So jump on down and reunite with mommy and daddy.
Listens:
2903
Who:
Wheatley
Since making test participation mandatory for all employees, the quality of our test subjects has risen dramatically. Employee retention, however, has not.
Listens:
2901
Who:
Cave Johnson
Hello?
Listens:
2891
Who:
Turret
You will hear a buzzer. When you hear the buzzer, look up at the ceiling. [BUZZER]
Listens:
2887
Who:
Announcer
Ah, I see. Clever. Verrrrrrry clever.
Listens:
2887
Who:
Wheatley
Space!
Listens:
2852
Who:
Core 1
Hello.
Listens:
2852
Who:
Defective Turret
Oh, brilliant. You DID find a portal gun! You know what? It just goes to show: people with brain damage are the real heroes in the end aren't they? At the end of the day. Brave.
Listens:
2850
Who:
Wheatley
Grab me grab me grab me! Grab meeee!
Listens:
2845
Who:
Wheatley
I see you
Listens:
2839
Who:
Turret
Some emergency testing may require prolonged interaction with lethal military androids. Rest assured that all lethal military androids have been taught to read and provided with one copy of the Laws of Robotics. To share.
Listens:
2831
Who:
Announcer
Pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out!
Listens:
2829
Who:
Wheatley
Sorry
Listens:
2810
Who:
Turret
WHAT ARE YOU DOING WE DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT BUTTON - oh, the door's open! Well done. Let's see what's inside.
Listens:
2799
Who:
Wheatley
Why...
Listens:
2792
Who:
Turret
It burns.
Listens:
2781
Who:
Turret
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
2738
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello again. Sorry about exploding you. Luckily, you don't feel pain. At any rate, you don't have a way to communicate that you feel pain.
Listens:
2734
Who:
GLaDOS
Response
Listens:
2728
Who:
Announcer
Blue, I agree. I never noticed that about Orange before.
Listens:
2719
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh my god.
Listens:
2717
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello!
Listens:
2711
Who:
Wheatley
And to your right, something huge hurtling towards you OH GOD RUN! THAT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THERE.
Listens:
2707
Who:
Wheatley
Atmosphere. Black holes. Astronauts. Nebulas. Jupiter. The Big Dipper.
Listens:
2706
Who:
Core 1
Oh, it's a core you've put on me! Who told you to do that? Was it her? [as if he's looking around] It's just making me stronger, luv! It's a fool's errand!
Listens:
2699
Who:
Wheatley
Wait wait wait wait. I know I know I know. Lady wait. Wait. I know. Wait. Space.
Listens:
2684
Who:
Core 1
Brain Mapping. Artificial Intelligence. We should have been working on it thirty years ago. I will say this - and I'm gonna say it on tape so everybody hears it a hundred times a day: If I die before you people can pour me into a computer, I want Caroline to run this place.
Listens:
2672
Who:
Cave Johnson
Hey, be a sport lady, and just tell him I killed you.
Listens:
2665
Who:
Defective Turret
Corrupted Core: are you ready to start?
Listens:
2630
Who:
Announcer
Warning, sphere corruption at twenty-- rats cannot throw up.
Listens:
2613
Who:
Core 3
Activated
Listens:
2596
Who:
Turret
You like revenge, right? Everybody likes revenge. Well, let's go get some.
Listens:
2584
Who:
GLaDOS
Undelete, undelete! Where's the undelete button?
Listens:
2580
Who:
Wheatley
That isn't science.
Listens:
2578
Who:
GLaDOS
Preparing to dispense product
Listens:
2576
Who:
Turret
Stalemate Resolution Associate: Please press the Stalemate Resolution Button.
Listens:
2549
Who:
Announcer
Are you still there? Can you pick me up, do you think? If you are there?
Listens:
2547
Who:
Wheatley
Wanna go to earth wanna go to earth wanna go to earth wanna go to earth. Wanna go to earth.
Listens:
2540
Who:
Core 1
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
2539
Who:
GLaDOS
That jumpsuit you're wearing looks stupid. That's not me talking, it's right here in your file. On other people it looks fine, but right here a scientist has noted that on you it looks 'stupid.'
Listens:
2537
Who:
GLaDOS
Puppet master! You're a puppet in a play, and I hold all the strings! And cards, still. Cards in one hand, strings in the other. And I'm making you dance like a puppet. Playing cards.
Listens:
2535
Who:
Wheatley
Hello?
Listens:
2523
Who:
Turret
We're in space!
Listens:
2522
Who:
Wheatley
Good work getting this far, future-starter! That said, if you are simple-minded, old, or irradiated in such a way that the future should not start with you, please return to your primitive tribe and send back someone better-qualified for testing.
Listens:
2520
Who:
Announcer
You broke it, didn't you.
Listens:
2518
Who:
GLaDOS
[to self] Hm. Could be Spanish, could be Spanish. [loud again] Hola, amigo! Abre la puerta! Donde esta--no. Um...
Listens:
2514
Who:
Wheatley
Alright, then. Let us see... 'Vital maintenance protocols.' Wow, there are a lot of them. Should have looked into this earlier. Well, let's try this: [reading while typing] DO THEM. [failure buzzer]. Fair enough. Maybe it's a password.
Listens:
2513
Who:
Wheatley
Crap.
Listens:
2511
Who:
Defective Turret
If you need to go to the bathroom after this next series of tests, please let a test associate know, because in all likelihood, whatever comes out of you is going to be coal. Only temporary, so do not worry. If it persists for a week, though, start worrying and come see us, because that's not supposed to happen.
Listens:
2507
Who:
Cave Johnson
The Fact Sphere is not defective. Its facts are wholly accurate and very interesting.
Listens:
2504
Who:
Core 3
Stalemate detected. Transfer procedure cannot continue.
Listens:
2498
Who:
Announcer
00:00 / 00:00
Test Player
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