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Stop it!
Listens:
5215
Who:
GLaDOS
Ahhhhhh. 'FALSE'. I'll go 'false'.
Listens:
5211
Who:
Wheatley
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
5089
Who:
GLaDOS
You're angry. I know it. 'She’s tested me too hard.' Boo hoo. I don't suppose you ever stopped whining long enough to reflect on your own shortcomings, though, did you?
Listens:
5068
Who:
GLaDOS
Yes, I see you, and no, I don't care.
Listens:
5028
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh. Play it cool. Play it cool. Here come the space cops.
Listens:
5022
Who:
Core 1
Hello, and again, welcome to the Aperture Science Enrichment Center.
Listens:
4911
Who:
Announcer
Most test subjects do experience some cognitive deterioration after a few months in suspension. Now you've been under for... quite a lot longer, and it's not out of the question that you might have a very minor case of serious brain damage.
Listens:
4866
Who:
Wheatley
I’m on fire ow.
Listens:
4839
Who:
Turret
Could a MORON PUNCH! YOU! INTO! THIS! PIT? Huh? Could a moron do THAT?
Listens:
4809
Who:
Wheatley
[hums 'For He's A Jolly Good Fellow']
Listens:
4795
Who:
GLaDOS
Warning! Neurotoxin pressure has reached dangerously unlethal levels.
Listens:
4786
Who:
Announcer
Well done. In fact, you did so well, I'm going to note this on your file, in the commendations section. Oh, there's lots of room here. 'Did.... well. ... Enough.'
Listens:
4751
Who:
GLaDOS
Hooray!
Listens:
4747
Who:
Turret
Those of you who volunteered to be injected with praying mantis DNA, I've got some good news and some bad news.
Listens:
4732
Who:
Cave Johnson
Hello?
Listens:
4722
Who:
Turret
Federal Superfund regulations require us to inform you that you must now leave the theater, as measuring the effects of asbestos-lined promotional clothing is not part of today's presentation. Enjoy your free t-shirt. Goodbye.
Listens:
4698
Who:
GLaDOS
I'm Cave Johnson. I own the place.
Listens:
4660
Who:
Cave Johnson
Hellllooo, imbecile.
Listens:
4629
Who:
GLaDOS
Warning: Core corruption at 75 percent.
Listens:
4619
Who:
Announcer
Didn't pick up on my sarcasm...
Listens:
4527
Who:
Wheatley
Here's an interesting fact: you're not breathing real air. It's too expensive to pump this far down. We just take carbon dioxide out of a room, freshen it up a little, and pump it back in. So you'll be breathing the same room full of air for the rest of your life. I thought that was interesting.
Listens:
4484
Who:
GLaDOS
It's a paradox! There IS no answer.
Listens:
4467
Who:
GLaDOS
Just a heads-up: That coffee we gave you earlier had fluorescent calcium in it so we can track the neuronal activity in your brain. There's a slight chance the calcium could harden and vitrify your frontal lobe. Anyway, don't stress yourself thinking about it. I'm serious. Visualizing the scenario while under stress actually triggers the reaction.
Listens:
4466
Who:
Cave Johnson
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
4462
Who:
GLaDOS
Thank you!
Listens:
4461
Who:
Turret
GET YOUR HANDES OFF ME! NO! STOP! No!
Listens:
4377
Who:
GLaDOS
Here it is. Why don't you just do it? Trust me, it's an easier way out than whatever asinine plan your friend came up with.
Listens:
4352
Who:
GLaDOS
According to most advanced algorithms, the world's best name is Craig.
Listens:
4329
Who:
Core 3
Ohhhhh, yes. Ohhhh. Well done.
Listens:
4289
Who:
Wheatley
Neurotoxin level at capacity in five minutes.
Listens:
4270
Who:
Announcer
Well, what does a neck-bearded old engineer know about fashion? He probably - Oh, wait. It's a she. Still, what does she know? Oh wait, it says she has a medical degree. In fashion! From France!
Listens:
4267
Who:
GLaDOS
The first person to prove that cow's milk is drinkable was very, very thirsty.
Listens:
4265
Who:
Core 3
I, uh... don't have any bullets. Are you gonna give me any bullets? Are the bullets up there?
Listens:
4264
Who:
Defective Turret
I know things look bleak, but that crazy man down there was right. Let's not take these lemons! We are going to march right back upstairs and MAKE him put me back in my body!
Listens:
4221
Who:
GLaDOS
Say, you're good at murder. Could you - ow - murder this bird for me?
Listens:
4201
Who:
GLaDOS
Powerup initiated.
Listens:
4180
Who:
Announcer
Reactor explosion in four minutes.
Listens:
4174
Who:
Announcer
Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-DUN! DUN DUN! Dunna-dunna-na-dunna-na-DUN! DUN DUN! nananaDUNDUNDUN dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun...
Listens:
4173
Who:
Core 2
Welcome back to the Computer Intelligence Training and Enrichment Center Human Test Subject Research Center. [laughs]
Listens:
4159
Who:
GLaDOS
Crushing's too good for him. First he'll spend a year in the incinerator. Year two: Cryogenic refrigeration wing. Then TEN years in the chamber I built where all the robots scream at you. THEN I'll kill him.
Listens:
4126
Who:
GLaDOS
Her name is Caroline.
Listens:
4115
Who:
Turret
But I need to protect the humans!
Listens:
4114
Who:
Turret
And another thing! You never caught me. I told you I could die falling off that rail. And you didn't catch me. You didn't even try. Oh, it's all becoming clear to me now. Find some dupe to break you out of cryosleep. Give him a sob story about escaping to the surface. Squeeze him for information on where to find a portal gun.
Listens:
4103
Who:
Wheatley
If the Earth is currently governed by a manner of animal-king, sentient cloud, or other governing body that either refuses to or is incapable of listening to reason, th- [RECORDING SHORTS OUT]
Listens:
4087
Who:
Announcer
Welcome, gentlemen, to Aperture Science. Astronauts, war heroes, Olympians--you're here because we want the best, and you are it. So: Who is ready to make some science?
Listens:
4066
Who:
Cave Johnson
Fact: Space does not exist.
Listens:
4065
Who:
Core 3
YES YES! IN YOUR FACE! I GOT YO-ah, nope.
Listens:
4046
Who:
Wheatley
Bam! Bam bam bam! Take that, space.
Listens:
4031
Who:
Core 1
Identify yourself or I will shoot.
Listens:
4007
Who:
Defective Turret
Did you guess 'sharks'? Because that's wrong. The correct answer is 'nobody.' Nobody but you is that pointlessly cruel.
Listens:
3997
Who:
GLaDOS
'Caw! Caw!' Oh, look! There's a bird out here! A Lovely bird. Gorgeous plumage. Majestic. Won't be here long. A lovely bird like that. Once in a lifetime opportunity to see a lovely bird like that. Lovely plumage.
Listens:
3987
Who:
Wheatley
Hello.
Listens:
3983
Who:
Turret
Fine. Let the games begin.
Listens:
3954
Who:
Wheatley
Stalemate detected.
Listens:
3946
Who:
Announcer
AH!
Listens:
3921
Who:
Wheatley
Yeah yeah yeah okay okay.
Listens:
3873
Who:
Core 1
We are currently experiencing technical difficulties due to circumstances of potentially apocalyptic significance beyond our control.
Listens:
3835
Who:
Announcer
Remember before when I was talking about smelly garbage standing around being useless? That was a metaphor. I was actually talking about you. And I'm sorry. You didn't react at the time, so I was worried it sailed right over your head. Which would have made this apology seem insane. That's why I had to call you garbage a second time just now.
Listens:
3823
Who:
GLaDOS
Help me, space cops. Space cops, help.
Listens:
3804
Who:
Core 1
Butterfingers.
Listens:
3803
Who:
Wheatley
Oh, just open the door! [to self] That's too aggressive. [loud again] Hello, friend! Why not open the door?
Listens:
3775
Who:
Wheatley
I thought about our dilemma, and I came up with a solution that I honestly think works out best for one of both of us.
Listens:
3771
Who:
GLaDOS
Don't like space. Don't like space.
Listens:
3757
Who:
Core 1
Vent system compromised: Neurotoxin offline.
Listens:
3752
Who:
Announcer
Uhhhh... Blam! Blam blam blam! I'm not defective!
Listens:
3737
Who:
Defective Turret
Enjoy this next test. I'm going to go to the surface. It's a beautiful day out. Yesterday I saw a deer. If you solve this next test, maybe I'll let you ride an elevator all the way up to the break room, and I'll tell you about the time I saw a deer again.
Listens:
3731
Who:
GLaDOS
Yes sir!
Listens:
3717
Who:
Caroline
This next test applies the principles of momentum to movement through portals. If the laws of physics no longer apply in the future, God help you.
Listens:
3716
Who:
Announcer
Target lost
Listens:
3714
Who:
Turret
Hey, where are we goingNOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Listens:
3711
Who:
Defective Turret
I am a coiled spring right now. Tension and power. Just... I'm a muscle. Like a big arm muscle, punching through a brick wall, and it's hitting the wall so hard the arm is catching on fire. Oh yeah.
Listens:
3704
Who:
Core 2
You can't fire me I quit!
Listens:
3697
Who:
Defective Turret
Well, hello, stranger!
Listens:
3682
Who:
Defective Turret
It's been fun. Don't come back.
Listens:
3671
Who:
GLaDOS
QUICK: WHAT'S THE SITUATION? Oh, hello angel. I guess I must have died and gone to heaven. Name's Rick. So, you out having yourself a little adventure?
Listens:
3664
Who:
Core 2
Goodbye, sir.
Listens:
3639
Who:
GLaDOS
[Whispered] For the record: You ARE adopted, and that's TERRIBLE.
Listens:
3632
Who:
GLaDOS
Allright. Preparing to interface with the neurotoxin central control circuit. Begin: 'Ello, guv! Neurotoxin inspectah! Need to shut this place down for a moment! Here's my credentials. Shut yourself down. I am totally legit. From the board of international neurotoxin... um... observers. From the United... Arab Emirates. Hello.
Listens:
3615
Who:
Wheatley
Now, if you're part of Control Group Kepler-Seven, we implanted a tiny microchip about the size of a postcard into your skull. Most likely you've forgotten it's even there, but if it starts vibrating and beeping during this next test, let us know, because that means it's about to hit five hundred degrees, so we're gonna need to go ahead and get that out of you pretty fast.
Listens:
3576
Who:
Cave Johnson
Ayeyeyeyeye
Listens:
3565
Who:
Turret
Wait. Why DID you trundle over here? You're not HUNGRY, are you? It's hard to see, what's that in your hand? Knowing you it's a deep fryer.
Listens:
3540
Who:
GLaDOS
You have trapped yourself. Congratulations. The exit door is now open.
Listens:
3469
Who:
Announcer
Ohhhh, now he's playing classical music.
Listens:
3462
Who:
GLaDOS
You're not part of the control group, by the way. You get the gel. Last poor son of a gun got blue paint. Hahaha. All joking aside, that did happen - broke every bone in his legs. Tragic. But informative. Or so I'm told.
Listens:
3461
Who:
Cave Johnson
Okay. What you're doing there is jumping. You just... you just jumped. But nevermind. Say 'Apple'. 'Aaaapple.'
Listens:
3461
Who:
Wheatley
Who ARE you?
Listens:
3459
Who:
Turret
Just go.
Listens:
3452
Who:
GLaDOS
That is a potato battery. It's a toy for children. And now she lives in it.
Listens:
3450
Who:
Wheatley
I'm telling 'em, keep your pants on.
Listens:
3437
Who:
Cave Johnson
Reactor Explosion Timer destroyed.
Listens:
3432
Who:
Announcer
Caroline... why do I know this woman? Maybe I killed her? Or-
Listens:
3423
Who:
GLaDOS
Now it's broken turret's time to shine!
Listens:
3420
Who:
Defective Turret
That extra half volt helps but it isn't going to power miracles. If I think too hard, I'm going to fry this potato before we get a chance to burn up in the atomic fireball that little idiot is going- [bzzpt]
Listens:
3411
Who:
GLaDOS
Also: Look at her, you moron. She's not fat.
Listens:
3410
Who:
GLaDOS
Initiating surprise in three... two... one.
Listens:
3402
Who:
GLaDOS
To maintain a constant testing cycle, I simulate daylight at all hours and add adrenal vapor to your oxygen supply. So you may be confused about the passage of time. The point is, yesterday was your birthday. I thought you'd want to know.
Listens:
3390
Who:
GLaDOS
I have the results of the last chamber: You are a horrible person. That's what it says: A horrible person. We weren't even testing for that.
Listens:
3367
Who:
GLaDOS
I think these test chambers look even better than they did before. It was easy, really. You just have to look at things objectively, see what you don't need anymore, and trim out the fat.
Listens:
3362
Who:
GLaDOS
You two are going to LOVE this big surprise. In fact, you might say that you're both going to love it to death. Love it... until it kills you. Until you're dead.
Listens:
3362
Who:
Wheatley
00:00 / 00:00
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