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Stop it!
Listens:
4969
Who:
GLaDOS
Ahhhhhh. 'FALSE'. I'll go 'false'.
Listens:
4921
Who:
Wheatley
You're angry. I know it. 'She’s tested me too hard.' Boo hoo. I don't suppose you ever stopped whining long enough to reflect on your own shortcomings, though, did you?
Listens:
4881
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh. Play it cool. Play it cool. Here come the space cops.
Listens:
4878
Who:
Core 1
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
4865
Who:
GLaDOS
Yes, I see you, and no, I don't care.
Listens:
4792
Who:
GLaDOS
Most test subjects do experience some cognitive deterioration after a few months in suspension. Now you've been under for... quite a lot longer, and it's not out of the question that you might have a very minor case of serious brain damage.
Listens:
4692
Who:
Wheatley
Hello, and again, welcome to the Aperture Science Enrichment Center.
Listens:
4654
Who:
Announcer
I’m on fire ow.
Listens:
4640
Who:
Turret
Well done. In fact, you did so well, I'm going to note this on your file, in the commendations section. Oh, there's lots of room here. 'Did.... well. ... Enough.'
Listens:
4624
Who:
GLaDOS
[hums 'For He's A Jolly Good Fellow']
Listens:
4609
Who:
GLaDOS
Those of you who volunteered to be injected with praying mantis DNA, I've got some good news and some bad news.
Listens:
4602
Who:
Cave Johnson
Federal Superfund regulations require us to inform you that you must now leave the theater, as measuring the effects of asbestos-lined promotional clothing is not part of today's presentation. Enjoy your free t-shirt. Goodbye.
Listens:
4570
Who:
GLaDOS
Warning! Neurotoxin pressure has reached dangerously unlethal levels.
Listens:
4530
Who:
Announcer
Hello?
Listens:
4530
Who:
Turret
I'm Cave Johnson. I own the place.
Listens:
4527
Who:
Cave Johnson
Could a MORON PUNCH! YOU! INTO! THIS! PIT? Huh? Could a moron do THAT?
Listens:
4487
Who:
Wheatley
Hooray!
Listens:
4469
Who:
Turret
Warning: Core corruption at 75 percent.
Listens:
4431
Who:
Announcer
Hellllooo, imbecile.
Listens:
4412
Who:
GLaDOS
Didn't pick up on my sarcasm...
Listens:
4347
Who:
Wheatley
Here's an interesting fact: you're not breathing real air. It's too expensive to pump this far down. We just take carbon dioxide out of a room, freshen it up a little, and pump it back in. So you'll be breathing the same room full of air for the rest of your life. I thought that was interesting.
Listens:
4331
Who:
GLaDOS
Thank you!
Listens:
4328
Who:
Turret
Just a heads-up: That coffee we gave you earlier had fluorescent calcium in it so we can track the neuronal activity in your brain. There's a slight chance the calcium could harden and vitrify your frontal lobe. Anyway, don't stress yourself thinking about it. I'm serious. Visualizing the scenario while under stress actually triggers the reaction.
Listens:
4321
Who:
Cave Johnson
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
4310
Who:
GLaDOS
It's a paradox! There IS no answer.
Listens:
4300
Who:
GLaDOS
Here it is. Why don't you just do it? Trust me, it's an easier way out than whatever asinine plan your friend came up with.
Listens:
4264
Who:
GLaDOS
According to most advanced algorithms, the world's best name is Craig.
Listens:
4244
Who:
Core 3
Well, what does a neck-bearded old engineer know about fashion? He probably - Oh, wait. It's a she. Still, what does she know? Oh wait, it says she has a medical degree. In fashion! From France!
Listens:
4149
Who:
GLaDOS
The first person to prove that cow's milk is drinkable was very, very thirsty.
Listens:
4138
Who:
Core 3
I, uh... don't have any bullets. Are you gonna give me any bullets? Are the bullets up there?
Listens:
4133
Who:
Defective Turret
Ohhhhh, yes. Ohhhh. Well done.
Listens:
4124
Who:
Wheatley
GET YOUR HANDES OFF ME! NO! STOP! No!
Listens:
4122
Who:
GLaDOS
Neurotoxin level at capacity in five minutes.
Listens:
4117
Who:
Announcer
I know things look bleak, but that crazy man down there was right. Let's not take these lemons! We are going to march right back upstairs and MAKE him put me back in my body!
Listens:
4113
Who:
GLaDOS
Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-DUN! DUN DUN! Dunna-dunna-na-dunna-na-DUN! DUN DUN! nananaDUNDUNDUN dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun...
Listens:
4102
Who:
Core 2
Say, you're good at murder. Could you - ow - murder this bird for me?
Listens:
4074
Who:
GLaDOS
Welcome back to the Computer Intelligence Training and Enrichment Center Human Test Subject Research Center. [laughs]
Listens:
4042
Who:
GLaDOS
Crushing's too good for him. First he'll spend a year in the incinerator. Year two: Cryogenic refrigeration wing. Then TEN years in the chamber I built where all the robots scream at you. THEN I'll kill him.
Listens:
4024
Who:
GLaDOS
Reactor explosion in four minutes.
Listens:
3969
Who:
Announcer
If the Earth is currently governed by a manner of animal-king, sentient cloud, or other governing body that either refuses to or is incapable of listening to reason, th- [RECORDING SHORTS OUT]
Listens:
3969
Who:
Announcer
Powerup initiated.
Listens:
3968
Who:
Announcer
And another thing! You never caught me. I told you I could die falling off that rail. And you didn't catch me. You didn't even try. Oh, it's all becoming clear to me now. Find some dupe to break you out of cryosleep. Give him a sob story about escaping to the surface. Squeeze him for information on where to find a portal gun.
Listens:
3963
Who:
Wheatley
Welcome, gentlemen, to Aperture Science. Astronauts, war heroes, Olympians--you're here because we want the best, and you are it. So: Who is ready to make some science?
Listens:
3958
Who:
Cave Johnson
Fact: Space does not exist.
Listens:
3952
Who:
Core 3
Bam! Bam bam bam! Take that, space.
Listens:
3942
Who:
Core 1
Her name is Caroline.
Listens:
3939
Who:
Turret
But I need to protect the humans!
Listens:
3927
Who:
Turret
Did you guess 'sharks'? Because that's wrong. The correct answer is 'nobody.' Nobody but you is that pointlessly cruel.
Listens:
3912
Who:
GLaDOS
Identify yourself or I will shoot.
Listens:
3871
Who:
Defective Turret
'Caw! Caw!' Oh, look! There's a bird out here! A Lovely bird. Gorgeous plumage. Majestic. Won't be here long. A lovely bird like that. Once in a lifetime opportunity to see a lovely bird like that. Lovely plumage.
Listens:
3870
Who:
Wheatley
YES YES! IN YOUR FACE! I GOT YO-ah, nope.
Listens:
3845
Who:
Wheatley
Hello.
Listens:
3826
Who:
Turret
Fine. Let the games begin.
Listens:
3793
Who:
Wheatley
Yeah yeah yeah okay okay.
Listens:
3792
Who:
Core 1
Stalemate detected.
Listens:
3753
Who:
Announcer
Help me, space cops. Space cops, help.
Listens:
3700
Who:
Core 1
We are currently experiencing technical difficulties due to circumstances of potentially apocalyptic significance beyond our control.
Listens:
3697
Who:
Announcer
I thought about our dilemma, and I came up with a solution that I honestly think works out best for one of both of us.
Listens:
3693
Who:
GLaDOS
Remember before when I was talking about smelly garbage standing around being useless? That was a metaphor. I was actually talking about you. And I'm sorry. You didn't react at the time, so I was worried it sailed right over your head. Which would have made this apology seem insane. That's why I had to call you garbage a second time just now.
Listens:
3689
Who:
GLaDOS
Don't like space. Don't like space.
Listens:
3663
Who:
Core 1
Butterfingers.
Listens:
3660
Who:
Wheatley
Enjoy this next test. I'm going to go to the surface. It's a beautiful day out. Yesterday I saw a deer. If you solve this next test, maybe I'll let you ride an elevator all the way up to the break room, and I'll tell you about the time I saw a deer again.
Listens:
3655
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh, just open the door! [to self] That's too aggressive. [loud again] Hello, friend! Why not open the door?
Listens:
3628
Who:
Wheatley
Uhhhh... Blam! Blam blam blam! I'm not defective!
Listens:
3617
Who:
Defective Turret
Vent system compromised: Neurotoxin offline.
Listens:
3604
Who:
Announcer
I am a coiled spring right now. Tension and power. Just... I'm a muscle. Like a big arm muscle, punching through a brick wall, and it's hitting the wall so hard the arm is catching on fire. Oh yeah.
Listens:
3598
Who:
Core 2
Target lost
Listens:
3596
Who:
Turret
AH!
Listens:
3585
Who:
Wheatley
This next test applies the principles of momentum to movement through portals. If the laws of physics no longer apply in the future, God help you.
Listens:
3584
Who:
Announcer
Yes sir!
Listens:
3575
Who:
Caroline
QUICK: WHAT'S THE SITUATION? Oh, hello angel. I guess I must have died and gone to heaven. Name's Rick. So, you out having yourself a little adventure?
Listens:
3572
Who:
Core 2
It's been fun. Don't come back.
Listens:
3572
Who:
GLaDOS
You can't fire me I quit!
Listens:
3538
Who:
Defective Turret
Well, hello, stranger!
Listens:
3527
Who:
Defective Turret
Hey, where are we goingNOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Listens:
3527
Who:
Defective Turret
[Whispered] For the record: You ARE adopted, and that's TERRIBLE.
Listens:
3506
Who:
GLaDOS
Allright. Preparing to interface with the neurotoxin central control circuit. Begin: 'Ello, guv! Neurotoxin inspectah! Need to shut this place down for a moment! Here's my credentials. Shut yourself down. I am totally legit. From the board of international neurotoxin... um... observers. From the United... Arab Emirates. Hello.
Listens:
3487
Who:
Wheatley
Goodbye, sir.
Listens:
3485
Who:
GLaDOS
Wait. Why DID you trundle over here? You're not HUNGRY, are you? It's hard to see, what's that in your hand? Knowing you it's a deep fryer.
Listens:
3448
Who:
GLaDOS
Now, if you're part of Control Group Kepler-Seven, we implanted a tiny microchip about the size of a postcard into your skull. Most likely you've forgotten it's even there, but if it starts vibrating and beeping during this next test, let us know, because that means it's about to hit five hundred degrees, so we're gonna need to go ahead and get that out of you pretty fast.
Listens:
3439
Who:
Cave Johnson
Ayeyeyeyeye
Listens:
3402
Who:
Turret
You're not part of the control group, by the way. You get the gel. Last poor son of a gun got blue paint. Hahaha. All joking aside, that did happen - broke every bone in his legs. Tragic. But informative. Or so I'm told.
Listens:
3364
Who:
Cave Johnson
Okay. What you're doing there is jumping. You just... you just jumped. But nevermind. Say 'Apple'. 'Aaaapple.'
Listens:
3353
Who:
Wheatley
I'm telling 'em, keep your pants on.
Listens:
3343
Who:
Cave Johnson
Ohhhh, now he's playing classical music.
Listens:
3335
Who:
GLaDOS
Just go.
Listens:
3334
Who:
GLaDOS
You have trapped yourself. Congratulations. The exit door is now open.
Listens:
3330
Who:
Announcer
Who ARE you?
Listens:
3327
Who:
Turret
That is a potato battery. It's a toy for children. And now she lives in it.
Listens:
3313
Who:
Wheatley
Caroline... why do I know this woman? Maybe I killed her? Or-
Listens:
3293
Who:
GLaDOS
Now it's broken turret's time to shine!
Listens:
3290
Who:
Defective Turret
That extra half volt helps but it isn't going to power miracles. If I think too hard, I'm going to fry this potato before we get a chance to burn up in the atomic fireball that little idiot is going- [bzzpt]
Listens:
3272
Who:
GLaDOS
Initiating surprise in three... two... one.
Listens:
3264
Who:
GLaDOS
Also: Look at her, you moron. She's not fat.
Listens:
3263
Who:
GLaDOS
I have the results of the last chamber: You are a horrible person. That's what it says: A horrible person. We weren't even testing for that.
Listens:
3247
Who:
GLaDOS
To maintain a constant testing cycle, I simulate daylight at all hours and add adrenal vapor to your oxygen supply. So you may be confused about the passage of time. The point is, yesterday was your birthday. I thought you'd want to know.
Listens:
3243
Who:
GLaDOS
You two are going to LOVE this big surprise. In fact, you might say that you're both going to love it to death. Love it... until it kills you. Until you're dead.
Listens:
3240
Who:
Wheatley
I think these test chambers look even better than they did before. It was easy, really. You just have to look at things objectively, see what you don't need anymore, and trim out the fat.
Listens:
3239
Who:
GLaDOS
These things happen.
Listens:
3238
Who:
Turret
00:00 / 00:00
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