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Stop it!
Listens:
5088
Who:
GLaDOS
Ahhhhhh. 'FALSE'. I'll go 'false'.
Listens:
5044
Who:
Wheatley
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
4976
Who:
GLaDOS
You're angry. I know it. 'She’s tested me too hard.' Boo hoo. I don't suppose you ever stopped whining long enough to reflect on your own shortcomings, though, did you?
Listens:
4966
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh. Play it cool. Play it cool. Here come the space cops.
Listens:
4939
Who:
Core 1
Yes, I see you, and no, I don't care.
Listens:
4919
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello, and again, welcome to the Aperture Science Enrichment Center.
Listens:
4790
Who:
Announcer
Most test subjects do experience some cognitive deterioration after a few months in suspension. Now you've been under for... quite a lot longer, and it's not out of the question that you might have a very minor case of serious brain damage.
Listens:
4780
Who:
Wheatley
I’m on fire ow.
Listens:
4731
Who:
Turret
[hums 'For He's A Jolly Good Fellow']
Listens:
4701
Who:
GLaDOS
Well done. In fact, you did so well, I'm going to note this on your file, in the commendations section. Oh, there's lots of room here. 'Did.... well. ... Enough.'
Listens:
4678
Who:
GLaDOS
Those of you who volunteered to be injected with praying mantis DNA, I've got some good news and some bad news.
Listens:
4656
Who:
Cave Johnson
Federal Superfund regulations require us to inform you that you must now leave the theater, as measuring the effects of asbestos-lined promotional clothing is not part of today's presentation. Enjoy your free t-shirt. Goodbye.
Listens:
4637
Who:
GLaDOS
Warning! Neurotoxin pressure has reached dangerously unlethal levels.
Listens:
4633
Who:
Announcer
Could a MORON PUNCH! YOU! INTO! THIS! PIT? Huh? Could a moron do THAT?
Listens:
4630
Who:
Wheatley
Hello?
Listens:
4620
Who:
Turret
Hooray!
Listens:
4616
Who:
Turret
I'm Cave Johnson. I own the place.
Listens:
4590
Who:
Cave Johnson
Hellllooo, imbecile.
Listens:
4520
Who:
GLaDOS
Warning: Core corruption at 75 percent.
Listens:
4503
Who:
Announcer
Didn't pick up on my sarcasm...
Listens:
4420
Who:
Wheatley
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
4399
Who:
GLaDOS
Thank you!
Listens:
4394
Who:
Turret
Just a heads-up: That coffee we gave you earlier had fluorescent calcium in it so we can track the neuronal activity in your brain. There's a slight chance the calcium could harden and vitrify your frontal lobe. Anyway, don't stress yourself thinking about it. I'm serious. Visualizing the scenario while under stress actually triggers the reaction.
Listens:
4384
Who:
Cave Johnson
Here's an interesting fact: you're not breathing real air. It's too expensive to pump this far down. We just take carbon dioxide out of a room, freshen it up a little, and pump it back in. So you'll be breathing the same room full of air for the rest of your life. I thought that was interesting.
Listens:
4379
Who:
GLaDOS
It's a paradox! There IS no answer.
Listens:
4369
Who:
GLaDOS
Here it is. Why don't you just do it? Trust me, it's an easier way out than whatever asinine plan your friend came up with.
Listens:
4302
Who:
GLaDOS
According to most advanced algorithms, the world's best name is Craig.
Listens:
4289
Who:
Core 3
GET YOUR HANDES OFF ME! NO! STOP! No!
Listens:
4235
Who:
GLaDOS
Ohhhhh, yes. Ohhhh. Well done.
Listens:
4212
Who:
Wheatley
I, uh... don't have any bullets. Are you gonna give me any bullets? Are the bullets up there?
Listens:
4197
Who:
Defective Turret
Well, what does a neck-bearded old engineer know about fashion? He probably - Oh, wait. It's a she. Still, what does she know? Oh wait, it says she has a medical degree. In fashion! From France!
Listens:
4196
Who:
GLaDOS
The first person to prove that cow's milk is drinkable was very, very thirsty.
Listens:
4186
Who:
Core 3
Neurotoxin level at capacity in five minutes.
Listens:
4177
Who:
Announcer
I know things look bleak, but that crazy man down there was right. Let's not take these lemons! We are going to march right back upstairs and MAKE him put me back in my body!
Listens:
4154
Who:
GLaDOS
Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-DUN! DUN DUN! Dunna-dunna-na-dunna-na-DUN! DUN DUN! nananaDUNDUNDUN dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun...
Listens:
4138
Who:
Core 2
Say, you're good at murder. Could you - ow - murder this bird for me?
Listens:
4138
Who:
GLaDOS
Welcome back to the Computer Intelligence Training and Enrichment Center Human Test Subject Research Center. [laughs]
Listens:
4102
Who:
GLaDOS
Reactor explosion in four minutes.
Listens:
4085
Who:
Announcer
Crushing's too good for him. First he'll spend a year in the incinerator. Year two: Cryogenic refrigeration wing. Then TEN years in the chamber I built where all the robots scream at you. THEN I'll kill him.
Listens:
4072
Who:
GLaDOS
Powerup initiated.
Listens:
4066
Who:
Announcer
And another thing! You never caught me. I told you I could die falling off that rail. And you didn't catch me. You didn't even try. Oh, it's all becoming clear to me now. Find some dupe to break you out of cryosleep. Give him a sob story about escaping to the surface. Squeeze him for information on where to find a portal gun.
Listens:
4022
Who:
Wheatley
If the Earth is currently governed by a manner of animal-king, sentient cloud, or other governing body that either refuses to or is incapable of listening to reason, th- [RECORDING SHORTS OUT]
Listens:
4020
Who:
Announcer
Welcome, gentlemen, to Aperture Science. Astronauts, war heroes, Olympians--you're here because we want the best, and you are it. So: Who is ready to make some science?
Listens:
4008
Who:
Cave Johnson
But I need to protect the humans!
Listens:
4008
Who:
Turret
Her name is Caroline.
Listens:
4007
Who:
Turret
Fact: Space does not exist.
Listens:
4005
Who:
Core 3
Bam! Bam bam bam! Take that, space.
Listens:
3980
Who:
Core 1
Did you guess 'sharks'? Because that's wrong. The correct answer is 'nobody.' Nobody but you is that pointlessly cruel.
Listens:
3951
Who:
GLaDOS
YES YES! IN YOUR FACE! I GOT YO-ah, nope.
Listens:
3945
Who:
Wheatley
Identify yourself or I will shoot.
Listens:
3936
Who:
Defective Turret
'Caw! Caw!' Oh, look! There's a bird out here! A Lovely bird. Gorgeous plumage. Majestic. Won't be here long. A lovely bird like that. Once in a lifetime opportunity to see a lovely bird like that. Lovely plumage.
Listens:
3924
Who:
Wheatley
Hello.
Listens:
3898
Who:
Turret
Fine. Let the games begin.
Listens:
3862
Who:
Wheatley
Yeah yeah yeah okay okay.
Listens:
3835
Who:
Core 1
Stalemate detected.
Listens:
3828
Who:
Announcer
AH!
Listens:
3786
Who:
Wheatley
We are currently experiencing technical difficulties due to circumstances of potentially apocalyptic significance beyond our control.
Listens:
3755
Who:
Announcer
Help me, space cops. Space cops, help.
Listens:
3754
Who:
Core 1
Butterfingers.
Listens:
3750
Who:
Wheatley
Remember before when I was talking about smelly garbage standing around being useless? That was a metaphor. I was actually talking about you. And I'm sorry. You didn't react at the time, so I was worried it sailed right over your head. Which would have made this apology seem insane. That's why I had to call you garbage a second time just now.
Listens:
3746
Who:
GLaDOS
I thought about our dilemma, and I came up with a solution that I honestly think works out best for one of both of us.
Listens:
3729
Who:
GLaDOS
Don't like space. Don't like space.
Listens:
3718
Who:
Core 1
Oh, just open the door! [to self] That's too aggressive. [loud again] Hello, friend! Why not open the door?
Listens:
3706
Who:
Wheatley
Enjoy this next test. I'm going to go to the surface. It's a beautiful day out. Yesterday I saw a deer. If you solve this next test, maybe I'll let you ride an elevator all the way up to the break room, and I'll tell you about the time I saw a deer again.
Listens:
3691
Who:
GLaDOS
Uhhhh... Blam! Blam blam blam! I'm not defective!
Listens:
3675
Who:
Defective Turret
Vent system compromised: Neurotoxin offline.
Listens:
3667
Who:
Announcer
Target lost
Listens:
3658
Who:
Turret
I am a coiled spring right now. Tension and power. Just... I'm a muscle. Like a big arm muscle, punching through a brick wall, and it's hitting the wall so hard the arm is catching on fire. Oh yeah.
Listens:
3644
Who:
Core 2
Yes sir!
Listens:
3636
Who:
Caroline
This next test applies the principles of momentum to movement through portals. If the laws of physics no longer apply in the future, God help you.
Listens:
3632
Who:
Announcer
It's been fun. Don't come back.
Listens:
3624
Who:
GLaDOS
Hey, where are we goingNOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Listens:
3622
Who:
Defective Turret
QUICK: WHAT'S THE SITUATION? Oh, hello angel. I guess I must have died and gone to heaven. Name's Rick. So, you out having yourself a little adventure?
Listens:
3616
Who:
Core 2
You can't fire me I quit!
Listens:
3616
Who:
Defective Turret
Well, hello, stranger!
Listens:
3610
Who:
Defective Turret
[Whispered] For the record: You ARE adopted, and that's TERRIBLE.
Listens:
3562
Who:
GLaDOS
Goodbye, sir.
Listens:
3553
Who:
GLaDOS
Allright. Preparing to interface with the neurotoxin central control circuit. Begin: 'Ello, guv! Neurotoxin inspectah! Need to shut this place down for a moment! Here's my credentials. Shut yourself down. I am totally legit. From the board of international neurotoxin... um... observers. From the United... Arab Emirates. Hello.
Listens:
3543
Who:
Wheatley
Now, if you're part of Control Group Kepler-Seven, we implanted a tiny microchip about the size of a postcard into your skull. Most likely you've forgotten it's even there, but if it starts vibrating and beeping during this next test, let us know, because that means it's about to hit five hundred degrees, so we're gonna need to go ahead and get that out of you pretty fast.
Listens:
3499
Who:
Cave Johnson
Wait. Why DID you trundle over here? You're not HUNGRY, are you? It's hard to see, what's that in your hand? Knowing you it's a deep fryer.
Listens:
3495
Who:
GLaDOS
Ayeyeyeyeye
Listens:
3481
Who:
Turret
You're not part of the control group, by the way. You get the gel. Last poor son of a gun got blue paint. Hahaha. All joking aside, that did happen - broke every bone in his legs. Tragic. But informative. Or so I'm told.
Listens:
3411
Who:
Cave Johnson
Ohhhh, now he's playing classical music.
Listens:
3408
Who:
GLaDOS
Okay. What you're doing there is jumping. You just... you just jumped. But nevermind. Say 'Apple'. 'Aaaapple.'
Listens:
3402
Who:
Wheatley
Who ARE you?
Listens:
3401
Who:
Turret
Just go.
Listens:
3398
Who:
GLaDOS
You have trapped yourself. Congratulations. The exit door is now open.
Listens:
3393
Who:
Announcer
I'm telling 'em, keep your pants on.
Listens:
3391
Who:
Cave Johnson
That is a potato battery. It's a toy for children. And now she lives in it.
Listens:
3373
Who:
Wheatley
Now it's broken turret's time to shine!
Listens:
3354
Who:
Defective Turret
Caroline... why do I know this woman? Maybe I killed her? Or-
Listens:
3347
Who:
GLaDOS
That extra half volt helps but it isn't going to power miracles. If I think too hard, I'm going to fry this potato before we get a chance to burn up in the atomic fireball that little idiot is going- [bzzpt]
Listens:
3339
Who:
GLaDOS
Initiating surprise in three... two... one.
Listens:
3336
Who:
GLaDOS
Reactor Explosion Timer destroyed.
Listens:
3335
Who:
Announcer
Also: Look at her, you moron. She's not fat.
Listens:
3330
Who:
GLaDOS
To maintain a constant testing cycle, I simulate daylight at all hours and add adrenal vapor to your oxygen supply. So you may be confused about the passage of time. The point is, yesterday was your birthday. I thought you'd want to know.
Listens:
3317
Who:
GLaDOS
You two are going to LOVE this big surprise. In fact, you might say that you're both going to love it to death. Love it... until it kills you. Until you're dead.
Listens:
3309
Who:
Wheatley
I have the results of the last chamber: You are a horrible person. That's what it says: A horrible person. We weren't even testing for that.
Listens:
3305
Who:
GLaDOS
These things happen.
Listens:
3288
Who:
Turret
00:00 / 00:00
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