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I think that one was about to say 'I love you.' They ARE sentient, of course. We just have a LOT of them.
Listens:
5588
Who:
GLaDOS
You know what I hope's in space? Fire. I hope you go to space and catch on fire.
Listens:
5573
Who:
Core 2
You're angry. I know it. 'She’s tested me too hard.' Boo hoo. I don't suppose you ever stopped whining long enough to reflect on your own shortcomings, though, did you?
Listens:
5571
Who:
GLaDOS
Yeah!
Listens:
5547
Who:
GLaDOS
Yes, I see you, and no, I don't care.
Listens:
5545
Who:
GLaDOS
Warning! Neurotoxin pressure has reached dangerously unlethal levels.
Listens:
5544
Who:
Announcer
Hello, and again, welcome to the Aperture Science Enrichment Center.
Listens:
5522
Who:
Announcer
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
5482
Who:
GLaDOS
Most test subjects do experience some cognitive deterioration after a few months in suspension. Now you've been under for... quite a lot longer, and it's not out of the question that you might have a very minor case of serious brain damage.
Listens:
5409
Who:
Wheatley
Warning: Core corruption at 75 percent.
Listens:
5360
Who:
Announcer
Oh. Play it cool. Play it cool. Here come the space cops.
Listens:
5355
Who:
Core 1
Hooray!
Listens:
5305
Who:
Turret
[hums 'For He's A Jolly Good Fellow']
Listens:
5246
Who:
GLaDOS
I’m on fire ow.
Listens:
5175
Who:
Turret
Hello?
Listens:
5174
Who:
Turret
It's a paradox! There IS no answer.
Listens:
5171
Who:
GLaDOS
Those of you who volunteered to be injected with praying mantis DNA, I've got some good news and some bad news.
Listens:
5157
Who:
Cave Johnson
Well, what does a neck-bearded old engineer know about fashion? He probably - Oh, wait. It's a she. Still, what does she know? Oh wait, it says she has a medical degree. In fashion! From France!
Listens:
5148
Who:
GLaDOS
Well done. In fact, you did so well, I'm going to note this on your file, in the commendations section. Oh, there's lots of room here. 'Did.... well. ... Enough.'
Listens:
5125
Who:
GLaDOS
I'm Cave Johnson. I own the place.
Listens:
5117
Who:
Cave Johnson
Just a heads-up: That coffee we gave you earlier had fluorescent calcium in it so we can track the neuronal activity in your brain. There's a slight chance the calcium could harden and vitrify your frontal lobe. Anyway, don't stress yourself thinking about it. I'm serious. Visualizing the scenario while under stress actually triggers the reaction.
Listens:
5047
Who:
Cave Johnson
Reactor explosion in four minutes.
Listens:
5022
Who:
Announcer
Didn't pick up on my sarcasm...
Listens:
5019
Who:
Wheatley
Federal Superfund regulations require us to inform you that you must now leave the theater, as measuring the effects of asbestos-lined promotional clothing is not part of today's presentation. Enjoy your free t-shirt. Goodbye.
Listens:
5017
Who:
GLaDOS
Hellllooo, imbecile.
Listens:
5000
Who:
GLaDOS
Here's an interesting fact: you're not breathing real air. It's too expensive to pump this far down. We just take carbon dioxide out of a room, freshen it up a little, and pump it back in. So you'll be breathing the same room full of air for the rest of your life. I thought that was interesting.
Listens:
4988
Who:
GLaDOS
Powerup initiated.
Listens:
4931
Who:
Announcer
Thank you!
Listens:
4866
Who:
Turret
GET YOUR HANDES OFF ME! NO! STOP! No!
Listens:
4862
Who:
GLaDOS
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
4839
Who:
GLaDOS
Neurotoxin level at capacity in five minutes.
Listens:
4755
Who:
Announcer
Ohhhhh, yes. Ohhhh. Well done.
Listens:
4598
Who:
Wheatley
Stalemate detected.
Listens:
4590
Who:
Announcer
Here it is. Why don't you just do it? Trust me, it's an easier way out than whatever asinine plan your friend came up with.
Listens:
4576
Who:
GLaDOS
According to most advanced algorithms, the world's best name is Craig.
Listens:
4575
Who:
Core 3
The first person to prove that cow's milk is drinkable was very, very thirsty.
Listens:
4568
Who:
Core 3
If the Earth is currently governed by a manner of animal-king, sentient cloud, or other governing body that either refuses to or is incapable of listening to reason, th- [RECORDING SHORTS OUT]
Listens:
4559
Who:
Announcer
I, uh... don't have any bullets. Are you gonna give me any bullets? Are the bullets up there?
Listens:
4553
Who:
Defective Turret
But I need to protect the humans!
Listens:
4532
Who:
Turret
I know things look bleak, but that crazy man down there was right. Let's not take these lemons! We are going to march right back upstairs and MAKE him put me back in my body!
Listens:
4514
Who:
GLaDOS
Say, you're good at murder. Could you - ow - murder this bird for me?
Listens:
4501
Who:
GLaDOS
Welcome, gentlemen, to Aperture Science. Astronauts, war heroes, Olympians--you're here because we want the best, and you are it. So: Who is ready to make some science?
Listens:
4482
Who:
Cave Johnson
YES YES! IN YOUR FACE! I GOT YO-ah, nope.
Listens:
4411
Who:
Wheatley
Welcome back to the Computer Intelligence Training and Enrichment Center Human Test Subject Research Center. [laughs]
Listens:
4409
Who:
GLaDOS
Crushing's too good for him. First he'll spend a year in the incinerator. Year two: Cryogenic refrigeration wing. Then TEN years in the chamber I built where all the robots scream at you. THEN I'll kill him.
Listens:
4407
Who:
GLaDOS
Her name is Caroline.
Listens:
4398
Who:
Turret
And another thing! You never caught me. I told you I could die falling off that rail. And you didn't catch me. You didn't even try. Oh, it's all becoming clear to me now. Find some dupe to break you out of cryosleep. Give him a sob story about escaping to the surface. Squeeze him for information on where to find a portal gun.
Listens:
4397
Who:
Wheatley
AH!
Listens:
4386
Who:
Wheatley
Hello.
Listens:
4365
Who:
Turret
Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-DUN! DUN DUN! Dunna-dunna-na-dunna-na-DUN! DUN DUN! nananaDUNDUNDUN dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun...
Listens:
4362
Who:
Core 2
We are currently experiencing technical difficulties due to circumstances of potentially apocalyptic significance beyond our control.
Listens:
4342
Who:
Announcer
Remember before when I was talking about smelly garbage standing around being useless? That was a metaphor. I was actually talking about you. And I'm sorry. You didn't react at the time, so I was worried it sailed right over your head. Which would have made this apology seem insane. That's why I had to call you garbage a second time just now.
Listens:
4313
Who:
GLaDOS
Fact: Space does not exist.
Listens:
4297
Who:
Core 3
Did you guess 'sharks'? Because that's wrong. The correct answer is 'nobody.' Nobody but you is that pointlessly cruel.
Listens:
4293
Who:
GLaDOS
'Caw! Caw!' Oh, look! There's a bird out here! A Lovely bird. Gorgeous plumage. Majestic. Won't be here long. A lovely bird like that. Once in a lifetime opportunity to see a lovely bird like that. Lovely plumage.
Listens:
4286
Who:
Wheatley
Identify yourself or I will shoot.
Listens:
4248
Who:
Defective Turret
Fine. Let the games begin.
Listens:
4240
Who:
Wheatley
Reactor Explosion Timer destroyed.
Listens:
4239
Who:
Announcer
Vent system compromised: Neurotoxin offline.
Listens:
4208
Who:
Announcer
Bam! Bam bam bam! Take that, space.
Listens:
4193
Who:
Core 1
[Whispered] For the record: You ARE adopted, and that's TERRIBLE.
Listens:
4193
Who:
GLaDOS
Enjoy this next test. I'm going to go to the surface. It's a beautiful day out. Yesterday I saw a deer. If you solve this next test, maybe I'll let you ride an elevator all the way up to the break room, and I'll tell you about the time I saw a deer again.
Listens:
4167
Who:
GLaDOS
This next test applies the principles of momentum to movement through portals. If the laws of physics no longer apply in the future, God help you.
Listens:
4164
Who:
Announcer
I am a coiled spring right now. Tension and power. Just... I'm a muscle. Like a big arm muscle, punching through a brick wall, and it's hitting the wall so hard the arm is catching on fire. Oh yeah.
Listens:
4140
Who:
Core 2
Target lost
Listens:
4101
Who:
Turret
Goodbye, sir.
Listens:
4081
Who:
GLaDOS
Help me, space cops. Space cops, help.
Listens:
4080
Who:
Core 1
I thought about our dilemma, and I came up with a solution that I honestly think works out best for one of both of us.
Listens:
4079
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh, just open the door! [to self] That's too aggressive. [loud again] Hello, friend! Why not open the door?
Listens:
4048
Who:
Wheatley
Butterfingers.
Listens:
4046
Who:
Wheatley
Otherwise, I'm afraid you're about to become the immediate past president of the Being Alive club. Ha ha.
Listens:
4045
Who:
GLaDOS
Yeah yeah yeah okay okay.
Listens:
4037
Who:
Core 1
Yes sir!
Listens:
4031
Who:
Caroline
You can't fire me I quit!
Listens:
3992
Who:
Defective Turret
Now, if you're part of Control Group Kepler-Seven, we implanted a tiny microchip about the size of a postcard into your skull. Most likely you've forgotten it's even there, but if it starts vibrating and beeping during this next test, let us know, because that means it's about to hit five hundred degrees, so we're gonna need to go ahead and get that out of you pretty fast.
Listens:
3989
Who:
Cave Johnson
Ayeyeyeyeye
Listens:
3989
Who:
Turret
Uhhhh... Blam! Blam blam blam! I'm not defective!
Listens:
3988
Who:
Defective Turret
Hey, where are we goingNOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Listens:
3979
Who:
Defective Turret
Allright. Preparing to interface with the neurotoxin central control circuit. Begin: 'Ello, guv! Neurotoxin inspectah! Need to shut this place down for a moment! Here's my credentials. Shut yourself down. I am totally legit. From the board of international neurotoxin... um... observers. From the United... Arab Emirates. Hello.
Listens:
3976
Who:
Wheatley
Well, hello, stranger!
Listens:
3925
Who:
Defective Turret
Don't like space. Don't like space.
Listens:
3893
Who:
Core 1
It's been fun. Don't come back.
Listens:
3884
Who:
GLaDOS
Powerup complete.
Listens:
3880
Who:
Announcer
You have trapped yourself. Congratulations. The exit door is now open.
Listens:
3878
Who:
Announcer
That is a potato battery. It's a toy for children. And now she lives in it.
Listens:
3867
Who:
Wheatley
Caroline... why do I know this woman? Maybe I killed her? Or-
Listens:
3866
Who:
GLaDOS
You're not part of the control group, by the way. You get the gel. Last poor son of a gun got blue paint. Hahaha. All joking aside, that did happen - broke every bone in his legs. Tragic. But informative. Or so I'm told.
Listens:
3857
Who:
Cave Johnson
To maintain a constant testing cycle, I simulate daylight at all hours and add adrenal vapor to your oxygen supply. So you may be confused about the passage of time. The point is, yesterday was your birthday. I thought you'd want to know.
Listens:
3830
Who:
GLaDOS
Ohhhh, now he's playing classical music.
Listens:
3812
Who:
GLaDOS
QUICK: WHAT'S THE SITUATION? Oh, hello angel. I guess I must have died and gone to heaven. Name's Rick. So, you out having yourself a little adventure?
Listens:
3810
Who:
Core 2
I'm telling 'em, keep your pants on.
Listens:
3781
Who:
Cave Johnson
That extra half volt helps but it isn't going to power miracles. If I think too hard, I'm going to fry this potato before we get a chance to burn up in the atomic fireball that little idiot is going- [bzzpt]
Listens:
3759
Who:
GLaDOS
They say great science is built on the shoulders of giants. Not here. At Aperture, we do all our science from scratch. No hand holding.
Listens:
3749
Who:
Cave Johnson
Also: Look at her, you moron. She's not fat.
Listens:
3732
Who:
GLaDOS
Okay. What you're doing there is jumping. You just... you just jumped. But nevermind. Say 'Apple'. 'Aaaapple.'
Listens:
3731
Who:
Wheatley
Wait. Why DID you trundle over here? You're not HUNGRY, are you? It's hard to see, what's that in your hand? Knowing you it's a deep fryer.
Listens:
3728
Who:
GLaDOS
And then you showed up. You dangerous, mute lunatic. So you know what?
Listens:
3694
Who:
GLaDOS
Who ARE you?
Listens:
3677
Who:
Turret
Now it's broken turret's time to shine!
Listens:
3675
Who:
Defective Turret
If you are a non-employee who has discovered this facility amid the ruins of civilization, welcome! And remember: Testing is the future, and the future starts with you.
Listens:
3661
Who:
Announcer
00:00 / 00:00
Test Player
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