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Portal 2
Portal 2 DLC
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Portal 1 Music
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TF2 Music
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Hello?
Listens:
2558
Who:
Turret
Alright, then. Let us see... 'Vital maintenance protocols.' Wow, there are a lot of them. Should have looked into this earlier. Well, let's try this: [reading while typing] DO THEM. [failure buzzer]. Fair enough. Maybe it's a password.
Listens:
2555
Who:
Wheatley
We haven't entirely nailed down what element it is yet, but I'll tell you this: it's a lively one, and it does NOT like the human skeleton.
Listens:
2540
Who:
Cave Johnson
I'm in space.
Listens:
2533
Who:
Core 1
I’m flyinnnng!
Listens:
2524
Who:
Turret
You never considered that maybe I tested you to give the endless hours of your pointless existence some structure and meaning. Maybe to help you concentrate, so just maybe you’d think of something more worthwhile to do with your sorry life.
Listens:
2523
Who:
GLaDOS
Don't shoot!
Listens:
2519
Who:
Turret
That's right. The facility is completely operational again.
Listens:
2510
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh, brilliant, yeah. Take one last look at your precious human moon. Because it cannot help you now!
Listens:
2505
Who:
Wheatley
Fire detected in the Stalemate Resolution Annex. Extinguishing.
Listens:
2504
Who:
Announcer
There you are
Listens:
2490
Who:
Turret
[laughs]
Listens:
2486
Who:
Wheatley
I’m on fire.
Listens:
2483
Who:
Turret
Seriously, though. Goodbye.
Listens:
2481
Who:
GLaDOS
Hmmm. Hmmmmmm. Hmm. Hmmmmm. Space!
Listens:
2472
Who:
Core 1
Sir, the testing?
Listens:
2468
Who:
Caroline
So. How are you holding up?
Listens:
2468
Who:
GLaDOS
Not bad. I forgot how good you are at this. You should pace yourself, though. We have A LOT of tests to do.
Listens:
2467
Who:
GLaDOS
Hey! Squeaky-voice! Gimme some of your bullets!
Listens:
2463
Who:
Defective Turret
'Let there be light.' That's, uh... God. I was quoting God.
Listens:
2460
Who:
Wheatley
Now, maybe you don't have any tumors. Well, don't worry. If you sat on a folding chair in the lobby and weren't wearing lead underpants, we took care of that too.
Listens:
2457
Who:
Cave Johnson
...unless a stalemate associate is present to press the stalemate resolution button.
Listens:
2448
Who:
Announcer
You had to play bloody cat and mouse, didn't you? While people were trying to work. Yes, well, now we're all going to pay the price. BECAUSE WE'RE ALL GOING TO BLOODY DIE.
Listens:
2446
Who:
Wheatley
Go on. Get a big fat eyeful. With your big fat eyes.
Listens:
2444
Who:
GLaDOS
89% of magic tricks are not magic. Technically, they are sorcery.
Listens:
2443
Who:
Core 3
Why?
Listens:
2434
Who:
Turret
Warning: Central core is eighty percent corrupt.
Listens:
2419
Who:
Announcer
The most poisonous fish in the world is the orange ruffy. Everything but its eyes are made of a deadly poison. The ruffy's eyes are composed of a less harmful, deadly poison.
Listens:
2419
Who:
Core 3
Click click click! Still defective!
Listens:
2392
Who:
Defective Turret
Oh, in case you got covered in that repulsion gel, here's some advice the lab boys gave me: DO NOT get covered in the repulsion gel.
Listens:
2371
Who:
Cave Johnson
Ahhhohohhhh. Wow. Well done, seriously, both of you. Why don't you two go on ahead? I'll catch up with you.
Listens:
2367
Who:
Wheatley
Substitute Core: Are you ready to start?
Listens:
2365
Who:
Announcer
Marie Curie invented the theory of radioactivity, the treatment of radioactivity, and dying of radioactivity.
Listens:
2359
Who:
Core 3
Did you hear that? I think something just exploded. Man, we are in a lot of danger. This is like Christmas. No, it's better than Christmas. This should be its own holiday. Explosion Day!
Listens:
2348
Who:
Core 2
Helloooooooooooo!
Listens:
2347
Who:
Wheatley
Oh, shut up!
Listens:
2341
Who:
Core 2
No no wait wait waitAGGGHHHH
Listens:
2335
Who:
Defective Turret
Oh. Hi.
Listens:
2325
Who:
GLaDOS
Ha ha ha ha ha, good one.
Listens:
2324
Who:
GLaDOS
I'm not defective!
Listens:
2323
Who:
Defective Turret
Welcome back. While you were dead, I reworked the cartoon. It's up on the screen.
Listens:
2316
Who:
GLaDOS
Target aquired.
Listens:
2309
Who:
Turret
Space space wanna go to space
Listens:
2302
Who:
Core 1
This next test involves the Aperture Science Aerial Faith Plate. It was part of an initiative to investigate how well test subjects could solve problems when they were catapulted into space. Results were highly informative: They could not. Good luck!
Listens:
2297
Who:
GLaDOS
Manual core replacement required.
Listens:
2292
Who:
Announcer
Well done! The Enrichment Center reminds you that although circumstances may appear bleak, you are not alone. All Aperture Science personality constructs will remain functional in apocalyptic, low power environments of as few as 1.1 volts.
Listens:
2291
Who:
Announcer
Gotcha!
Listens:
2278
Who:
Turret
Hello?
Listens:
2275
Who:
Turret
But you were different weren't you? Such a good jumper. Problem solver. Clever. But ambitious. That's your Achilles Heel. Mine's-oh! Oh! Almost told you. Clever, clever girl. Again: brain damaged like a fox, you.
Listens:
2274
Who:
Wheatley
Going to space going there can't wait gotta go. Space. Going.
Listens:
2270
Who:
Core 1
So that's just what I was doing. I was just reading... ah... books. So I'm not a moron.
Listens:
2266
Who:
Wheatley
So... we're all supposed to be blind, then, right? It's not just me? Alright, fantastic.
Listens:
2262
Who:
Defective Turret
These bridges are made from natural light that I pump in from the surface. If you rubbed your cheek on one, it would be like standing outside with the sun shining on your face. It would also set your hair on fire, so don't actually do it.
Listens:
2261
Who:
GLaDOS
Whee!
Listens:
2252
Who:
Turret
FOOL! You were a fool to come back, because I've trapped you again! Helpless. You're at my mercy. And I don't have any. You're at my nothing. You're at my lack of mercy.
Listens:
2244
Who:
Wheatley
Yes indeed. Yes indeed.
Listens:
2244
Who:
Defective Turret
Sorry, what?
Listens:
2240
Who:
Wheatley
Pants were invented by sailors in the sixteenth century to avoid Poseidon's wrath. It was believed that the sight of naked sailors angered the sea god.
Listens:
2227
Who:
Core 3
Holmes versus Moriarty.
Listens:
2225
Who:
Wheatley
What if you froze like that?
Listens:
2214
Who:
GLaDOS
But the real point is - oh, oh! You know what I've just remembered? Football! Kicking a ball around for fun. Cruel, obviously. Humans love it. Metaphor. Should have seen this coming.
Listens:
2205
Who:
Wheatley
I'm fired, aren't I?
Listens:
2202
Who:
Defective Turret
Here's the plan: Get him to say, 'You two have been a thorn in my side long enough.' Then tell your pretty ears to stand back, because I am going to zing him into space.
Listens:
2197
Who:
Core 2
However, thanks to Emergency Testing Protocols, testing can continue. These pre-recorded messages will provide instructional and motivational support, so that science can still be done, even in the event of environmental, social, economic, or structural collapse.
Listens:
2194
Who:
Announcer
I'll bet there isn't even a problem with the facility, is there? I'll bet there's no such thing as a 'reactor core'. I'll bet that's not even fire coming out of the walls, is it? It's just cleverly placed lights and papier mache, I'll bet that's all it is.
Listens:
2194
Who:
Wheatley
This on? [thump thump] Hey. Listen up down there. That thing's called an elevator. Not a bathroom.
Listens:
2192
Who:
Cave Johnson
You really do have brain damage, don't you?
Listens:
2185
Who:
GLaDOS
For many of you, I realize 60 dollars is an unprecedented windfall, so don't go spending it all on... I don't know. Caroline, what do these people buy? Tattered hats? Beard dirt?
Listens:
2176
Who:
Cave Johnson
Only three more chambers until your big surprise! [maniacal laughter] Ohhh, that's tiring.
Listens:
2157
Who:
Wheatley
Haha, Mr. Johnson!
Listens:
2154
Who:
Caroline
Warning! All testing courses are currently available.
Listens:
2151
Who:
Announcer
Nooooo. No, I don't think it is. I think you're wrong.
Listens:
2150
Who:
Wheatley
This is not good.
Listens:
2139
Who:
Turret
Space space going to space oh boy
Listens:
2138
Who:
Core 1
Hi there!
Listens:
2138
Who:
Defective Turret
Ha! Was that your bullet-riddled body, flying out of the room? It was- aww, those were the crap turrets, weren't they? Yeah...
Listens:
2128
Who:
Wheatley
Ahahaha
Listens:
2120
Who:
Turret
The answer is beneath us.
Listens:
2103
Who:
Turret
Ha... That sounded real. No! That was actually an impression of you. Actually. Because you just fell into my trap. My brilliant trap. Just then. I wanted you to trick me into bursting that pipe. You didn't trick me. Seemingly trick me. Gives you false hope. Leads to overconfidence. And that leads to mistakes. Fatal mistakes. It's all part of my plan.
Listens:
2094
Who:
Wheatley
Well, no matter. Because I'm STILL holding all the cards, and guess what: they're allll Full Houses! I've never played cards. Meaning to learn.
Listens:
2093
Who:
Wheatley
Sorry, we're closed
Listens:
2089
Who:
Turret
Excuse me
Listens:
2080
Who:
Turret
Blah.
Listens:
2077
Who:
GLaDOS
You know who found that interesting? Nobody. That didn't affect anybody's life in any way whatsoever. Life would be exactly the same if you hadn't said anything.
Listens:
2076
Who:
Core 2
Hey hey hey!
Listens:
2075
Who:
Turret
NO.
Listens:
2073
Who:
GLaDOS
Who's there?
Listens:
2070
Who:
Turret
I'm no psychiatrist, but coming from a bunch of eggheads who wouldn't recognize the thrill of danger if it walked up and snapped their little pink bras, that sounds like 'projection'.
Listens:
2069
Who:
Cave Johnson
We're back!
Listens:
2066
Who:
Defective Turret
There you are
Listens:
2061
Who:
Turret
If you're allergic to peanuts, you might want to tell somebody now, because this next test may turn your blood into peanut water for a few minutes. On the bright side, if we can make this happen, they're gonna have to invent a new type of Nobel Prize to give us, so hang in there.
Listens:
2059
Who:
Cave Johnson
Coming through!
Listens:
2055
Who:
Turret
Hurt me once, shame on me. Hurt me twice...
Listens:
2052
Who:
Defective Turret
Good. You will hear a buzzer. When you hear the buzzer, look down at the floor. [BUZZER]
Listens:
2051
Who:
Announcer
AHHHHHHH!
Listens:
2049
Who:
Wheatley
The average human male is about sixty percent water. Far as we're concerned, that's a little extravagant. So if you feel a bit dehydrated in this next test, that's normal. We're gonna hit you with some jet engines, and see if we can't get you down to twenty or thirty percent.
Listens:
2045
Who:
Cave Johnson
What -what's wrong with being adopted? Um. Well... lack of parents, for one, and... also... furthermore... nothing. Some of my best... friends are... orphans... But...
Listens:
2038
Who:
Wheatley
The point is: If we can store music on a compact disc, why can't we store a man's intelligence and personality on one? So I have the engineers figuring that out now.
Listens:
2033
Who:
Cave Johnson
Pens. Pens. Pens. Pens. Pens. Pens. Pens.
Listens:
2033
Who:
Core 3
Well, how about now? NOW WHO'S A MORON?
Listens:
2031
Who:
Wheatley
00:00 / 00:00
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