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Portal 2
Portal 2 DLC
Portal 2 PTI
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Portal 1 Music
Team Fortress 2
TF2 Music
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Crap.
Listens:
2572
Who:
Defective Turret
Alright, then. Let us see... 'Vital maintenance protocols.' Wow, there are a lot of them. Should have looked into this earlier. Well, let's try this: [reading while typing] DO THEM. [failure buzzer]. Fair enough. Maybe it's a password.
Listens:
2571
Who:
Wheatley
Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve.
Listens:
2569
Who:
Core 3
We haven't entirely nailed down what element it is yet, but I'll tell you this: it's a lively one, and it does NOT like the human skeleton.
Listens:
2567
Who:
Cave Johnson
You never considered that maybe I tested you to give the endless hours of your pointless existence some structure and meaning. Maybe to help you concentrate, so just maybe you’d think of something more worthwhile to do with your sorry life.
Listens:
2559
Who:
GLaDOS
I'm in space.
Listens:
2553
Who:
Core 1
'Let there be light.' That's, uh... God. I was quoting God.
Listens:
2546
Who:
Wheatley
Fire detected in the Stalemate Resolution Annex. Extinguishing.
Listens:
2535
Who:
Announcer
I’m flyinnnng!
Listens:
2534
Who:
Turret
Don't shoot!
Listens:
2528
Who:
Turret
That's right. The facility is completely operational again.
Listens:
2525
Who:
GLaDOS
Not bad. I forgot how good you are at this. You should pace yourself, though. We have A LOT of tests to do.
Listens:
2512
Who:
GLaDOS
[laughs]
Listens:
2505
Who:
Wheatley
There you are
Listens:
2499
Who:
Turret
I’m on fire.
Listens:
2492
Who:
Turret
Seriously, though. Goodbye.
Listens:
2491
Who:
GLaDOS
So. How are you holding up?
Listens:
2491
Who:
GLaDOS
Hmmm. Hmmmmmm. Hmm. Hmmmmm. Space!
Listens:
2482
Who:
Core 1
Sir, the testing?
Listens:
2481
Who:
Caroline
Now, maybe you don't have any tumors. Well, don't worry. If you sat on a folding chair in the lobby and weren't wearing lead underpants, we took care of that too.
Listens:
2476
Who:
Cave Johnson
Hey! Squeaky-voice! Gimme some of your bullets!
Listens:
2473
Who:
Defective Turret
Go on. Get a big fat eyeful. With your big fat eyes.
Listens:
2468
Who:
GLaDOS
89% of magic tricks are not magic. Technically, they are sorcery.
Listens:
2466
Who:
Core 3
You had to play bloody cat and mouse, didn't you? While people were trying to work. Yes, well, now we're all going to pay the price. BECAUSE WE'RE ALL GOING TO BLOODY DIE.
Listens:
2466
Who:
Wheatley
...unless a stalemate associate is present to press the stalemate resolution button.
Listens:
2464
Who:
Announcer
Why?
Listens:
2456
Who:
Turret
Warning: Central core is eighty percent corrupt.
Listens:
2454
Who:
Announcer
The most poisonous fish in the world is the orange ruffy. Everything but its eyes are made of a deadly poison. The ruffy's eyes are composed of a less harmful, deadly poison.
Listens:
2428
Who:
Core 3
Click click click! Still defective!
Listens:
2404
Who:
Defective Turret
Oh, in case you got covered in that repulsion gel, here's some advice the lab boys gave me: DO NOT get covered in the repulsion gel.
Listens:
2393
Who:
Cave Johnson
Ahhhohohhhh. Wow. Well done, seriously, both of you. Why don't you two go on ahead? I'll catch up with you.
Listens:
2384
Who:
Wheatley
Substitute Core: Are you ready to start?
Listens:
2381
Who:
Announcer
Marie Curie invented the theory of radioactivity, the treatment of radioactivity, and dying of radioactivity.
Listens:
2372
Who:
Core 3
Did you hear that? I think something just exploded. Man, we are in a lot of danger. This is like Christmas. No, it's better than Christmas. This should be its own holiday. Explosion Day!
Listens:
2360
Who:
Core 2
Oh, shut up!
Listens:
2355
Who:
Core 2
Helloooooooooooo!
Listens:
2353
Who:
Wheatley
No no wait wait waitAGGGHHHH
Listens:
2347
Who:
Defective Turret
Oh. Hi.
Listens:
2340
Who:
GLaDOS
I'm not defective!
Listens:
2335
Who:
Defective Turret
Ha ha ha ha ha, good one.
Listens:
2330
Who:
GLaDOS
Welcome back. While you were dead, I reworked the cartoon. It's up on the screen.
Listens:
2324
Who:
GLaDOS
Well done! The Enrichment Center reminds you that although circumstances may appear bleak, you are not alone. All Aperture Science personality constructs will remain functional in apocalyptic, low power environments of as few as 1.1 volts.
Listens:
2319
Who:
Announcer
Target aquired.
Listens:
2318
Who:
Turret
Space space wanna go to space
Listens:
2307
Who:
Core 1
This next test involves the Aperture Science Aerial Faith Plate. It was part of an initiative to investigate how well test subjects could solve problems when they were catapulted into space. Results were highly informative: They could not. Good luck!
Listens:
2306
Who:
GLaDOS
Manual core replacement required.
Listens:
2304
Who:
Announcer
But you were different weren't you? Such a good jumper. Problem solver. Clever. But ambitious. That's your Achilles Heel. Mine's-oh! Oh! Almost told you. Clever, clever girl. Again: brain damaged like a fox, you.
Listens:
2293
Who:
Wheatley
Gotcha!
Listens:
2293
Who:
Turret
Hello?
Listens:
2286
Who:
Turret
Going to space going there can't wait gotta go. Space. Going.
Listens:
2278
Who:
Core 1
These bridges are made from natural light that I pump in from the surface. If you rubbed your cheek on one, it would be like standing outside with the sun shining on your face. It would also set your hair on fire, so don't actually do it.
Listens:
2274
Who:
GLaDOS
So that's just what I was doing. I was just reading... ah... books. So I'm not a moron.
Listens:
2273
Who:
Wheatley
So... we're all supposed to be blind, then, right? It's not just me? Alright, fantastic.
Listens:
2266
Who:
Defective Turret
Whee!
Listens:
2262
Who:
Turret
FOOL! You were a fool to come back, because I've trapped you again! Helpless. You're at my mercy. And I don't have any. You're at my nothing. You're at my lack of mercy.
Listens:
2255
Who:
Wheatley
Yes indeed. Yes indeed.
Listens:
2253
Who:
Defective Turret
This on? [thump thump] Hey. Listen up down there. That thing's called an elevator. Not a bathroom.
Listens:
2247
Who:
Cave Johnson
Sorry, what?
Listens:
2246
Who:
Wheatley
Holmes versus Moriarty.
Listens:
2243
Who:
Wheatley
Pants were invented by sailors in the sixteenth century to avoid Poseidon's wrath. It was believed that the sight of naked sailors angered the sea god.
Listens:
2235
Who:
Core 3
You really do have brain damage, don't you?
Listens:
2235
Who:
GLaDOS
However, thanks to Emergency Testing Protocols, testing can continue. These pre-recorded messages will provide instructional and motivational support, so that science can still be done, even in the event of environmental, social, economic, or structural collapse.
Listens:
2224
Who:
Announcer
What if you froze like that?
Listens:
2223
Who:
GLaDOS
But the real point is - oh, oh! You know what I've just remembered? Football! Kicking a ball around for fun. Cruel, obviously. Humans love it. Metaphor. Should have seen this coming.
Listens:
2219
Who:
Wheatley
I'm fired, aren't I?
Listens:
2214
Who:
Defective Turret
I'll bet there isn't even a problem with the facility, is there? I'll bet there's no such thing as a 'reactor core'. I'll bet that's not even fire coming out of the walls, is it? It's just cleverly placed lights and papier mache, I'll bet that's all it is.
Listens:
2210
Who:
Wheatley
Here's the plan: Get him to say, 'You two have been a thorn in my side long enough.' Then tell your pretty ears to stand back, because I am going to zing him into space.
Listens:
2209
Who:
Core 2
For many of you, I realize 60 dollars is an unprecedented windfall, so don't go spending it all on... I don't know. Caroline, what do these people buy? Tattered hats? Beard dirt?
Listens:
2203
Who:
Cave Johnson
Warning! All testing courses are currently available.
Listens:
2182
Who:
Announcer
Only three more chambers until your big surprise! [maniacal laughter] Ohhh, that's tiring.
Listens:
2168
Who:
Wheatley
Haha, Mr. Johnson!
Listens:
2160
Who:
Caroline
Nooooo. No, I don't think it is. I think you're wrong.
Listens:
2158
Who:
Wheatley
Ha! Was that your bullet-riddled body, flying out of the room? It was- aww, those were the crap turrets, weren't they? Yeah...
Listens:
2155
Who:
Wheatley
This is not good.
Listens:
2155
Who:
Turret
Hi there!
Listens:
2144
Who:
Defective Turret
Space space going to space oh boy
Listens:
2141
Who:
Core 1
Ahahaha
Listens:
2131
Who:
Turret
Well, no matter. Because I'm STILL holding all the cards, and guess what: they're allll Full Houses! I've never played cards. Meaning to learn.
Listens:
2118
Who:
Wheatley
The answer is beneath us.
Listens:
2110
Who:
Turret
Good. You will hear a buzzer. When you hear the buzzer, look down at the floor. [BUZZER]
Listens:
2108
Who:
Announcer
Ha... That sounded real. No! That was actually an impression of you. Actually. Because you just fell into my trap. My brilliant trap. Just then. I wanted you to trick me into bursting that pipe. You didn't trick me. Seemingly trick me. Gives you false hope. Leads to overconfidence. And that leads to mistakes. Fatal mistakes. It's all part of my plan.
Listens:
2108
Who:
Wheatley
NO.
Listens:
2099
Who:
GLaDOS
You know who found that interesting? Nobody. That didn't affect anybody's life in any way whatsoever. Life would be exactly the same if you hadn't said anything.
Listens:
2093
Who:
Core 2
Sorry, we're closed
Listens:
2091
Who:
Turret
If you're allergic to peanuts, you might want to tell somebody now, because this next test may turn your blood into peanut water for a few minutes. On the bright side, if we can make this happen, they're gonna have to invent a new type of Nobel Prize to give us, so hang in there.
Listens:
2088
Who:
Cave Johnson
I'm no psychiatrist, but coming from a bunch of eggheads who wouldn't recognize the thrill of danger if it walked up and snapped their little pink bras, that sounds like 'projection'.
Listens:
2084
Who:
Cave Johnson
Blah.
Listens:
2083
Who:
GLaDOS
Excuse me
Listens:
2080
Who:
Turret
Hey hey hey!
Listens:
2079
Who:
Turret
We're back!
Listens:
2077
Who:
Defective Turret
Who's there?
Listens:
2073
Who:
Turret
What -what's wrong with being adopted? Um. Well... lack of parents, for one, and... also... furthermore... nothing. Some of my best... friends are... orphans... But...
Listens:
2072
Who:
Wheatley
Well, how about now? NOW WHO'S A MORON?
Listens:
2068
Who:
Wheatley
The average human male is about sixty percent water. Far as we're concerned, that's a little extravagant. So if you feel a bit dehydrated in this next test, that's normal. We're gonna hit you with some jet engines, and see if we can't get you down to twenty or thirty percent.
Listens:
2066
Who:
Cave Johnson
There you are
Listens:
2066
Who:
Turret
The point is: If we can store music on a compact disc, why can't we store a man's intelligence and personality on one? So I have the engineers figuring that out now.
Listens:
2060
Who:
Cave Johnson
Hurt me once, shame on me. Hurt me twice...
Listens:
2060
Who:
Defective Turret
AHHHHHHH!
Listens:
2058
Who:
Wheatley
Coming through!
Listens:
2058
Who:
Turret
The portal will open and emergency testing will begin in three. Two. One.
Listens:
2046
Who:
Announcer
00:00 / 00:00
Test Player
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