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Portal 2
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Portal 1 Music
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TF2 Music
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Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve.
Listens:
2502
Who:
Core 3
Don't shoot!
Listens:
2489
Who:
Turret
Don't think I'm not onto you too, lady. You know what you are? Selfish. I've done nothing but sacrifice to get us here! What have you sacrificed? NOTHING. Zero. All you've done is BOSS ME AROUND. Well, NOW who's the boss? Who's the boss? It's me!
Listens:
2477
Who:
Wheatley
I’m flyinnnng!
Listens:
2473
Who:
Turret
I'm in space.
Listens:
2468
Who:
Core 1
That's right. The facility is completely operational again.
Listens:
2466
Who:
GLaDOS
We haven't entirely nailed down what element it is yet, but I'll tell you this: it's a lively one, and it does NOT like the human skeleton.
Listens:
2465
Who:
Cave Johnson
You never considered that maybe I tested you to give the endless hours of your pointless existence some structure and meaning. Maybe to help you concentrate, so just maybe you’d think of something more worthwhile to do with your sorry life.
Listens:
2459
Who:
GLaDOS
There you are
Listens:
2443
Who:
Turret
[laughs]
Listens:
2438
Who:
Wheatley
Hey! Squeaky-voice! Gimme some of your bullets!
Listens:
2436
Who:
Defective Turret
I’m on fire.
Listens:
2436
Who:
Turret
Fire detected in the Stalemate Resolution Annex. Extinguishing.
Listens:
2433
Who:
Announcer
Not bad. I forgot how good you are at this. You should pace yourself, though. We have A LOT of tests to do.
Listens:
2419
Who:
GLaDOS
Hmmm. Hmmmmmm. Hmm. Hmmmmm. Space!
Listens:
2413
Who:
Core 1
Sir, the testing?
Listens:
2410
Who:
Caroline
So. How are you holding up?
Listens:
2405
Who:
GLaDOS
89% of magic tricks are not magic. Technically, they are sorcery.
Listens:
2401
Who:
Core 3
Now, maybe you don't have any tumors. Well, don't worry. If you sat on a folding chair in the lobby and weren't wearing lead underpants, we took care of that too.
Listens:
2393
Who:
Cave Johnson
Why?
Listens:
2393
Who:
Turret
Go on. Get a big fat eyeful. With your big fat eyes.
Listens:
2385
Who:
GLaDOS
...unless a stalemate associate is present to press the stalemate resolution button.
Listens:
2384
Who:
Announcer
The most poisonous fish in the world is the orange ruffy. Everything but its eyes are made of a deadly poison. The ruffy's eyes are composed of a less harmful, deadly poison.
Listens:
2375
Who:
Core 3
Oh, brilliant, yeah. Take one last look at your precious human moon. Because it cannot help you now!
Listens:
2367
Who:
Wheatley
Seriously, though. Goodbye.
Listens:
2366
Who:
GLaDOS
You had to play bloody cat and mouse, didn't you? While people were trying to work. Yes, well, now we're all going to pay the price. BECAUSE WE'RE ALL GOING TO BLOODY DIE.
Listens:
2362
Who:
Wheatley
'Let there be light.' That's, uh... God. I was quoting God.
Listens:
2350
Who:
Wheatley
Ahhhohohhhh. Wow. Well done, seriously, both of you. Why don't you two go on ahead? I'll catch up with you.
Listens:
2327
Who:
Wheatley
Click click click! Still defective!
Listens:
2317
Who:
Defective Turret
Did you hear that? I think something just exploded. Man, we are in a lot of danger. This is like Christmas. No, it's better than Christmas. This should be its own holiday. Explosion Day!
Listens:
2316
Who:
Core 2
Helloooooooooooo!
Listens:
2307
Who:
Wheatley
Substitute Core: Are you ready to start?
Listens:
2300
Who:
Announcer
Marie Curie invented the theory of radioactivity, the treatment of radioactivity, and dying of radioactivity.
Listens:
2300
Who:
Core 3
No no wait wait waitAGGGHHHH
Listens:
2300
Who:
Defective Turret
Welcome back. While you were dead, I reworked the cartoon. It's up on the screen.
Listens:
2297
Who:
GLaDOS
Ha ha ha ha ha, good one.
Listens:
2291
Who:
GLaDOS
Space space wanna go to space
Listens:
2288
Who:
Core 1
Oh, in case you got covered in that repulsion gel, here's some advice the lab boys gave me: DO NOT get covered in the repulsion gel.
Listens:
2286
Who:
Cave Johnson
I'm not defective!
Listens:
2285
Who:
Defective Turret
Oh. Hi.
Listens:
2274
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh, shut up!
Listens:
2273
Who:
Core 2
Warning: Central core is eighty percent corrupt.
Listens:
2271
Who:
Announcer
Going to space going there can't wait gotta go. Space. Going.
Listens:
2257
Who:
Core 1
Target aquired.
Listens:
2250
Who:
Turret
This next test involves the Aperture Science Aerial Faith Plate. It was part of an initiative to investigate how well test subjects could solve problems when they were catapulted into space. Results were highly informative: They could not. Good luck!
Listens:
2249
Who:
GLaDOS
So... we're all supposed to be blind, then, right? It's not just me? Alright, fantastic.
Listens:
2246
Who:
Defective Turret
Manual core replacement required.
Listens:
2244
Who:
Announcer
Gotcha!
Listens:
2236
Who:
Turret
But you were different weren't you? Such a good jumper. Problem solver. Clever. But ambitious. That's your Achilles Heel. Mine's-oh! Oh! Almost told you. Clever, clever girl. Again: brain damaged like a fox, you.
Listens:
2226
Who:
Wheatley
Hello?
Listens:
2225
Who:
Turret
Whee!
Listens:
2220
Who:
Turret
Sorry, what?
Listens:
2217
Who:
Wheatley
Yes indeed. Yes indeed.
Listens:
2215
Who:
Defective Turret
So that's just what I was doing. I was just reading... ah... books. So I'm not a moron.
Listens:
2200
Who:
Wheatley
Pants were invented by sailors in the sixteenth century to avoid Poseidon's wrath. It was believed that the sight of naked sailors angered the sea god.
Listens:
2199
Who:
Core 3
These bridges are made from natural light that I pump in from the surface. If you rubbed your cheek on one, it would be like standing outside with the sun shining on your face. It would also set your hair on fire, so don't actually do it.
Listens:
2199
Who:
GLaDOS
FOOL! You were a fool to come back, because I've trapped you again! Helpless. You're at my mercy. And I don't have any. You're at my nothing. You're at my lack of mercy.
Listens:
2199
Who:
Wheatley
Well done! The Enrichment Center reminds you that although circumstances may appear bleak, you are not alone. All Aperture Science personality constructs will remain functional in apocalyptic, low power environments of as few as 1.1 volts.
Listens:
2197
Who:
Announcer
Holmes versus Moriarty.
Listens:
2174
Who:
Wheatley
What if you froze like that?
Listens:
2173
Who:
GLaDOS
Here's the plan: Get him to say, 'You two have been a thorn in my side long enough.' Then tell your pretty ears to stand back, because I am going to zing him into space.
Listens:
2170
Who:
Core 2
I'm fired, aren't I?
Listens:
2165
Who:
Defective Turret
I'll bet there isn't even a problem with the facility, is there? I'll bet there's no such thing as a 'reactor core'. I'll bet that's not even fire coming out of the walls, is it? It's just cleverly placed lights and papier mache, I'll bet that's all it is.
Listens:
2158
Who:
Wheatley
Haha, Mr. Johnson!
Listens:
2138
Who:
Caroline
For many of you, I realize 60 dollars is an unprecedented windfall, so don't go spending it all on... I don't know. Caroline, what do these people buy? Tattered hats? Beard dirt?
Listens:
2135
Who:
Cave Johnson
But the real point is - oh, oh! You know what I've just remembered? Football! Kicking a ball around for fun. Cruel, obviously. Humans love it. Metaphor. Should have seen this coming.
Listens:
2131
Who:
Wheatley
However, thanks to Emergency Testing Protocols, testing can continue. These pre-recorded messages will provide instructional and motivational support, so that science can still be done, even in the event of environmental, social, economic, or structural collapse.
Listens:
2129
Who:
Announcer
This on? [thump thump] Hey. Listen up down there. That thing's called an elevator. Not a bathroom.
Listens:
2123
Who:
Cave Johnson
Space space going to space oh boy
Listens:
2123
Who:
Core 1
Nooooo. No, I don't think it is. I think you're wrong.
Listens:
2115
Who:
Wheatley
Only three more chambers until your big surprise! [maniacal laughter] Ohhh, that's tiring.
Listens:
2098
Who:
Wheatley
Hi there!
Listens:
2098
Who:
Defective Turret
Ahahaha
Listens:
2089
Who:
Turret
The answer is beneath us.
Listens:
2085
Who:
Turret
Warning! All testing courses are currently available.
Listens:
2074
Who:
Announcer
Excuse me
Listens:
2074
Who:
Turret
Sorry, we're closed
Listens:
2072
Who:
Turret
This is not good.
Listens:
2065
Who:
Turret
Ha! Was that your bullet-riddled body, flying out of the room? It was- aww, those were the crap turrets, weren't they? Yeah...
Listens:
2055
Who:
Wheatley
Ha... That sounded real. No! That was actually an impression of you. Actually. Because you just fell into my trap. My brilliant trap. Just then. I wanted you to trick me into bursting that pipe. You didn't trick me. Seemingly trick me. Gives you false hope. Leads to overconfidence. And that leads to mistakes. Fatal mistakes. It's all part of my plan.
Listens:
2054
Who:
Wheatley
We're back!
Listens:
2048
Who:
Defective Turret
You really do have brain damage, don't you?
Listens:
2045
Who:
GLaDOS
Hey hey hey!
Listens:
2042
Who:
Turret
There you are
Listens:
2036
Who:
Turret
Coming through!
Listens:
2036
Who:
Turret
Hurt me once, shame on me. Hurt me twice...
Listens:
2035
Who:
Defective Turret
NO.
Listens:
2032
Who:
GLaDOS
Who's there?
Listens:
2030
Who:
Turret
I'm no psychiatrist, but coming from a bunch of eggheads who wouldn't recognize the thrill of danger if it walked up and snapped their little pink bras, that sounds like 'projection'.
Listens:
2026
Who:
Cave Johnson
Blah.
Listens:
2023
Who:
GLaDOS
You know who found that interesting? Nobody. That didn't affect anybody's life in any way whatsoever. Life would be exactly the same if you hadn't said anything.
Listens:
2019
Who:
Core 2
Pens. Pens. Pens. Pens. Pens. Pens. Pens.
Listens:
2015
Who:
Core 3
In Victorian England, a commoner was not allowed to look directly at the Queen, due to a belief at the time that the poor had the ability to steal thoughts. Science now believes that less than 4% of poor people are able to do this.
Listens:
2005
Who:
Core 3
AHHHHHHH!
Listens:
2005
Who:
Wheatley
The average human male is about sixty percent water. Far as we're concerned, that's a little extravagant. So if you feel a bit dehydrated in this next test, that's normal. We're gonna hit you with some jet engines, and see if we can't get you down to twenty or thirty percent.
Listens:
2003
Who:
Cave Johnson
If you're allergic to peanuts, you might want to tell somebody now, because this next test may turn your blood into peanut water for a few minutes. On the bright side, if we can make this happen, they're gonna have to invent a new type of Nobel Prize to give us, so hang in there.
Listens:
2003
Who:
Cave Johnson
Well, no matter. Because I'm STILL holding all the cards, and guess what: they're allll Full Houses! I've never played cards. Meaning to learn.
Listens:
1988
Who:
Wheatley
Good. You will hear a buzzer. When you hear the buzzer, look down at the floor. [BUZZER]
Listens:
1985
Who:
Announcer
The portal will open and emergency testing will begin in three. Two. One.
Listens:
1985
Who:
Announcer
Great job, astronaut, war hero, and/or Olympian! With your help, we're gonna [tape cuts out]
Listens:
1975
Who:
Cave Johnson
00:00 / 00:00
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