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Portal 2
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I'm in space.
Listens:
2296
Who:
Core 1
You never considered that maybe I tested you to give the endless hours of your pointless existence some structure and meaning. Maybe to help you concentrate, so just maybe you’d think of something more worthwhile to do with your sorry life.
Listens:
2296
Who:
GLaDOS
Hmmm. Hmmmmmm. Hmm. Hmmmmm. Space!
Listens:
2295
Who:
Core 1
Don't shoot!
Listens:
2290
Who:
Turret
We haven't entirely nailed down what element it is yet, but I'll tell you this: it's a lively one, and it does NOT like the human skeleton.
Listens:
2277
Who:
Cave Johnson
Crap.
Listens:
2277
Who:
Defective Turret
Good work getting this far, future-starter! That said, if you are simple-minded, old, or irradiated in such a way that the future should not start with you, please return to your primitive tribe and send back someone better-qualified for testing.
Listens:
2261
Who:
Announcer
The most poisonous fish in the world is the orange ruffy. Everything but its eyes are made of a deadly poison. The ruffy's eyes are composed of a less harmful, deadly poison.
Listens:
2260
Who:
Core 3
There you are
Listens:
2256
Who:
Turret
89% of magic tricks are not magic. Technically, they are sorcery.
Listens:
2249
Who:
Core 3
Go on. Get a big fat eyeful. With your big fat eyes.
Listens:
2249
Who:
GLaDOS
Don't think I'm not onto you too, lady. You know what you are? Selfish. I've done nothing but sacrifice to get us here! What have you sacrificed? NOTHING. Zero. All you've done is BOSS ME AROUND. Well, NOW who's the boss? Who's the boss? It's me!
Listens:
2247
Who:
Wheatley
Hey! Squeaky-voice! Gimme some of your bullets!
Listens:
2247
Who:
Defective Turret
Now, maybe you don't have any tumors. Well, don't worry. If you sat on a folding chair in the lobby and weren't wearing lead underpants, we took care of that too.
Listens:
2234
Who:
Cave Johnson
I’m flyinnnng!
Listens:
2226
Who:
Turret
Seriously, though. Goodbye.
Listens:
2224
Who:
GLaDOS
Did you hear that? I think something just exploded. Man, we are in a lot of danger. This is like Christmas. No, it's better than Christmas. This should be its own holiday. Explosion Day!
Listens:
2207
Who:
Core 2
So. How are you holding up?
Listens:
2206
Who:
GLaDOS
[laughs]
Listens:
2200
Who:
Wheatley
Fire detected in the Stalemate Resolution Annex. Extinguishing.
Listens:
2192
Who:
Announcer
I’m on fire.
Listens:
2189
Who:
Turret
Why?
Listens:
2182
Who:
Turret
Welcome back. While you were dead, I reworked the cartoon. It's up on the screen.
Listens:
2170
Who:
GLaDOS
Marie Curie invented the theory of radioactivity, the treatment of radioactivity, and dying of radioactivity.
Listens:
2168
Who:
Core 3
You like revenge, right? Everybody likes revenge. Well, let's go get some.
Listens:
2164
Who:
GLaDOS
Ha ha ha ha ha, good one.
Listens:
2159
Who:
GLaDOS
Sir, the testing?
Listens:
2155
Who:
Caroline
...unless a stalemate associate is present to press the stalemate resolution button.
Listens:
2147
Who:
Announcer
Going to space going there can't wait gotta go. Space. Going.
Listens:
2143
Who:
Core 1
Oh. Hi.
Listens:
2135
Who:
GLaDOS
Space space wanna go to space
Listens:
2133
Who:
Core 1
Oh, shut up!
Listens:
2127
Who:
Core 2
Ahhhohohhhh. Wow. Well done, seriously, both of you. Why don't you two go on ahead? I'll catch up with you.
Listens:
2124
Who:
Wheatley
This next test involves the Aperture Science Aerial Faith Plate. It was part of an initiative to investigate how well test subjects could solve problems when they were catapulted into space. Results were highly informative: They could not. Good luck!
Listens:
2123
Who:
GLaDOS
Click click click! Still defective!
Listens:
2097
Who:
Defective Turret
Oh, in case you got covered in that repulsion gel, here's some advice the lab boys gave me: DO NOT get covered in the repulsion gel.
Listens:
2084
Who:
Cave Johnson
Gotcha!
Listens:
2081
Who:
Turret
Substitute Core: Are you ready to start?
Listens:
2079
Who:
Announcer
Here's the plan: Get him to say, 'You two have been a thorn in my side long enough.' Then tell your pretty ears to stand back, because I am going to zing him into space.
Listens:
2075
Who:
Core 2
Pants were invented by sailors in the sixteenth century to avoid Poseidon's wrath. It was believed that the sight of naked sailors angered the sea god.
Listens:
2073
Who:
Core 3
No no wait wait waitAGGGHHHH
Listens:
2071
Who:
Defective Turret
I'm not defective!
Listens:
2071
Who:
Defective Turret
Helloooooooooooo!
Listens:
2070
Who:
Wheatley
So... we're all supposed to be blind, then, right? It's not just me? Alright, fantastic.
Listens:
2065
Who:
Defective Turret
But you were different weren't you? Such a good jumper. Problem solver. Clever. But ambitious. That's your Achilles Heel. Mine's-oh! Oh! Almost told you. Clever, clever girl. Again: brain damaged like a fox, you.
Listens:
2062
Who:
Wheatley
Yes indeed. Yes indeed.
Listens:
2058
Who:
Defective Turret
You had to play bloody cat and mouse, didn't you? While people were trying to work. Yes, well, now we're all going to pay the price. BECAUSE WE'RE ALL GOING TO BLOODY DIE.
Listens:
2053
Who:
Wheatley
Target aquired.
Listens:
2049
Who:
Turret
Hello?
Listens:
2047
Who:
Turret
What if you froze like that?
Listens:
2045
Who:
GLaDOS
These bridges are made from natural light that I pump in from the surface. If you rubbed your cheek on one, it would be like standing outside with the sun shining on your face. It would also set your hair on fire, so don't actually do it.
Listens:
2037
Who:
GLaDOS
So that's just what I was doing. I was just reading... ah... books. So I'm not a moron.
Listens:
2033
Who:
Wheatley
Manual core replacement required.
Listens:
2025
Who:
Announcer
But the real point is - oh, oh! You know what I've just remembered? Football! Kicking a ball around for fun. Cruel, obviously. Humans love it. Metaphor. Should have seen this coming.
Listens:
2006
Who:
Wheatley
'Let there be light.' That's, uh... God. I was quoting God.
Listens:
2001
Who:
Wheatley
Haha, Mr. Johnson!
Listens:
2000
Who:
Caroline
FOOL! You were a fool to come back, because I've trapped you again! Helpless. You're at my mercy. And I don't have any. You're at my nothing. You're at my lack of mercy.
Listens:
1991
Who:
Wheatley
For many of you, I realize 60 dollars is an unprecedented windfall, so don't go spending it all on... I don't know. Caroline, what do these people buy? Tattered hats? Beard dirt?
Listens:
1987
Who:
Cave Johnson
Sorry, what?
Listens:
1987
Who:
Wheatley
Warning: Central core is eighty percent corrupt.
Listens:
1985
Who:
Announcer
Holmes versus Moriarty.
Listens:
1971
Who:
Wheatley
Well done! The Enrichment Center reminds you that although circumstances may appear bleak, you are not alone. All Aperture Science personality constructs will remain functional in apocalyptic, low power environments of as few as 1.1 volts.
Listens:
1966
Who:
Announcer
Space space going to space oh boy
Listens:
1965
Who:
Core 1
I'll bet there isn't even a problem with the facility, is there? I'll bet there's no such thing as a 'reactor core'. I'll bet that's not even fire coming out of the walls, is it? It's just cleverly placed lights and papier mache, I'll bet that's all it is.
Listens:
1963
Who:
Wheatley
Whee!
Listens:
1959
Who:
Turret
Nooooo. No, I don't think it is. I think you're wrong.
Listens:
1957
Who:
Wheatley
I'm fired, aren't I?
Listens:
1948
Who:
Defective Turret
Ahahaha
Listens:
1939
Who:
Turret
Oh, brilliant, yeah. Take one last look at your precious human moon. Because it cannot help you now!
Listens:
1937
Who:
Wheatley
Hi there!
Listens:
1934
Who:
Defective Turret
You know who found that interesting? Nobody. That didn't affect anybody's life in any way whatsoever. Life would be exactly the same if you hadn't said anything.
Listens:
1927
Who:
Core 2
The answer is beneath us.
Listens:
1926
Who:
Turret
Sorry, we're closed
Listens:
1922
Who:
Turret
Only three more chambers until your big surprise! [maniacal laughter] Ohhh, that's tiring.
Listens:
1920
Who:
Wheatley
Excuse me
Listens:
1917
Who:
Turret
Pens. Pens. Pens. Pens. Pens. Pens. Pens.
Listens:
1916
Who:
Core 3
In Victorian England, a commoner was not allowed to look directly at the Queen, due to a belief at the time that the poor had the ability to steal thoughts. Science now believes that less than 4% of poor people are able to do this.
Listens:
1912
Who:
Core 3
Hey hey hey!
Listens:
1909
Who:
Turret
This on? [thump thump] Hey. Listen up down there. That thing's called an elevator. Not a bathroom.
Listens:
1901
Who:
Cave Johnson
Ha! Was that your bullet-riddled body, flying out of the room? It was- aww, those were the crap turrets, weren't they? Yeah...
Listens:
1901
Who:
Wheatley
I'm no psychiatrist, but coming from a bunch of eggheads who wouldn't recognize the thrill of danger if it walked up and snapped their little pink bras, that sounds like 'projection'.
Listens:
1900
Who:
Cave Johnson
Blah.
Listens:
1891
Who:
GLaDOS
However, thanks to Emergency Testing Protocols, testing can continue. These pre-recorded messages will provide instructional and motivational support, so that science can still be done, even in the event of environmental, social, economic, or structural collapse.
Listens:
1889
Who:
Announcer
Ha... That sounded real. No! That was actually an impression of you. Actually. Because you just fell into my trap. My brilliant trap. Just then. I wanted you to trick me into bursting that pipe. You didn't trick me. Seemingly trick me. Gives you false hope. Leads to overconfidence. And that leads to mistakes. Fatal mistakes. It's all part of my plan.
Listens:
1886
Who:
Wheatley
Hurt me once, shame on me. Hurt me twice...
Listens:
1879
Who:
Defective Turret
We're back!
Listens:
1877
Who:
Defective Turret
This is not good.
Listens:
1872
Who:
Turret
There you are
Listens:
1871
Who:
Turret
Coming through!
Listens:
1871
Who:
Turret
Who's there?
Listens:
1867
Who:
Turret
Well, no matter. Because I'm STILL holding all the cards, and guess what: they're allll Full Houses! I've never played cards. Meaning to learn.
Listens:
1854
Who:
Wheatley
You really do have brain damage, don't you?
Listens:
1850
Who:
GLaDOS
Good, that's still working.
Listens:
1847
Who:
GLaDOS
The average human male is about sixty percent water. Far as we're concerned, that's a little extravagant. So if you feel a bit dehydrated in this next test, that's normal. We're gonna hit you with some jet engines, and see if we can't get you down to twenty or thirty percent.
Listens:
1827
Who:
Cave Johnson
Oh, really? Space? Really? You should have said something! We had no idea!
Listens:
1825
Who:
Core 2
It was YOUR voice.
Listens:
1825
Who:
GLaDOS
Humans must have some purpose other than a place to store your neurotoxin. Something I failed to notice before, an intangible quality that makes their test results... significant.
Listens:
1819
Who:
GLaDOS
Great job, astronaut, war hero, and/or Olympian! With your help, we're gonna [tape cuts out]
Listens:
1818
Who:
Cave Johnson
The portal will open and emergency testing will begin in three. Two. One.
Listens:
1816
Who:
Announcer
NO.
Listens:
1816
Who:
GLaDOS
00:00 / 00:00
Test Player
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