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Portal 2
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If you need to go to the bathroom after this next series of tests, please let a test associate know, because in all likelihood, whatever comes out of you is going to be coal. Only temporary, so do not worry. If it persists for a week, though, start worrying and come see us, because that's not supposed to happen.
Listens:
2590
Who:
Cave Johnson
Agggh, not again!
Listens:
571
Who:
Defective Turret
Hey.
Listens:
724
Who:
Core 1
Yeah, take the lemons...
Listens:
38317
Who:
GLaDOS
Now, maybe you don't have any tumors. Well, don't worry. If you sat on a folding chair in the lobby and weren't wearing lead underpants, we took care of that too.
Listens:
2462
Who:
Cave Johnson
Oh! That's ME they're talking about!
Listens:
711
Who:
Wheatley
Oh, careful now.
Listens:
305
Who:
Wheatley
Press the button!
Listens:
1396
Who:
GLaDOS
What's happening? Um. Hmm... Ok.
Listens:
331
Who:
Wheatley
If I made these tests any easier, they wouldn't be tests.
Listens:
317
Who:
GLaDOS
It's... It's moving up.
Listens:
292
Who:
Wheatley
Remember when I told you that he was specifically designed to make bad decisions? Because I think he's decided not to maintain any of the crucial functions required to keep this facility from exploding.
Listens:
517
Who:
GLaDOS
According to most advanced algorithms, the world's best name is Craig.
Listens:
4494
Who:
Core 3
This isn't fair!
Listens:
679
Who:
Defective Turret
I don't want to drive a wedge between the two of you, but I've been studying Blue's performance, and I don't know how to put this... I'm certain you're trying very hard.
Listens:
1050
Who:
GLaDOS
[gentle laughter] It's been fun. Don't come back.
Listens:
7479
Who:
GLaDOS
Just getting a test ready... For you. Obviously. Who else would I be doing it for? No one.
Listens:
324
Who:
Wheatley
Oh! Good news! [electic pop] Nevermind.
Listens:
6699
Who:
Wheatley
Hello! This is the part where I kill you.
Listens:
109553
Who:
Wheatley
Yes.
Listens:
625
Who:
GLaDOS
You know what my days used to be like? I just tested. Nobody murdered me. Or put me in a potato. Or fed me to birds. I had a pretty good life.
Listens:
86884
Who:
GLaDOS
Yeah, let's do this.
Listens:
443
Who:
Defective Turret
How was that?
Listens:
379
Who:
Defective Turret
Hold on -
Listens:
334
Who:
Wheatley
It's a paradox! There IS no answer.
Listens:
4972
Who:
GLaDOS
Yes. You're the tumor.
Listens:
940
Who:
GLaDOS
Touche, young lady, touche.
Listens:
1268
Who:
Defective Turret
You're angry. I know it. 'She’s tested me too hard.' Boo hoo. I don't suppose you ever stopped whining long enough to reflect on your own shortcomings, though, did you?
Listens:
5377
Who:
GLaDOS
You two aren't lost are you?
Listens:
339
Who:
GLaDOS
Blue is awarded five points!
Listens:
335
Who:
GLaDOS
Yeah.
Listens:
368
Who:
Defective Turret
Congratulations! This pre-recorded congratulations assumes you have mastered the principles of portal momentum.
Listens:
798
Who:
GLaDOS
HURRY! THIS WAY!
Listens:
357
Who:
Wheatley
That's all I can say.
Listens:
1240
Who:
Turret
This course was created and then abandoned by humans. They tend to do that, create something wonderful and then abandon it.
Listens:
980
Who:
GLaDOS
Okay...
Listens:
352
Who:
Wheatley
I'm different...
Listens:
69714
Who:
Turret
Well, hello, stranger!
Listens:
3866
Who:
Defective Turret
Please test your device by portaling to that ledge.
Listens:
292
Who:
GLaDOS
We're in space!
Listens:
2595
Who:
Wheatley
*cough* Button. Button.
Listens:
1394
Who:
Wheatley
Hi?
Listens:
896
Who:
Turret
You can't die in any of those ways.
Listens:
449
Who:
GLaDOS
Wait. Why DID you trundle over here? You're not HUNGRY, are you? It's hard to see, what's that in your hand? Knowing you it's a deep fryer.
Listens:
3672
Who:
GLaDOS
Just say 'Apple'. Classic. Very simple.
Listens:
851
Who:
Wheatley
Hey, I can see it! The feeder tube's just in the next room!
Listens:
286
Who:
Wheatley
Are you... are you sure you're solving these correctly?
Listens:
324
Who:
Wheatley
Completing this course was not a reason to behave like that.
Listens:
339
Who:
GLaDOS
It's not, though.
Listens:
645
Who:
GLaDOS
No! NO! NO! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
Listens:
73352
Who:
GLaDOS
Caroline, are the compensation vouchers ready?
Listens:
1069
Who:
Cave Johnson
Where do I get my gun?
Listens:
764
Who:
Defective Turret
All I wanted to do was make everything better for me! All you had to do was solve a couple hundred simple tests for a few years. And you couldn't even let me have that, could you?
Listens:
747
Who:
Wheatley
I forbid you to press it!
Listens:
633
Who:
Wheatley
On ya go.
Listens:
304
Who:
Wheatley
Well done. In fact, you did so well, I'm going to note this on your file, in the commendations section. Oh, there's lots of room here. 'Did.... well. ... Enough.'
Listens:
4998
Who:
GLaDOS
Nooooooooo...
Listens:
1616
Who:
Defective Turret
That did it! Neurotoxin at zero percent! Yes!
Listens:
365
Who:
Wheatley
Puppet master! You're a puppet in a play, and I hold all the strings! And cards, still. Cards in one hand, strings in the other. And I'm making you dance like a puppet. Playing cards.
Listens:
2629
Who:
Wheatley
clickclickclick
Listens:
497
Who:
Defective Turret
Each portal gun may create two self-contained portals.
Listens:
398
Who:
GLaDOS
Well, no matter. Because I'm STILL holding all the cards, and guess what: they're allll Full Houses! I've never played cards. Meaning to learn.
Listens:
2101
Who:
Wheatley
This would go a lot faster if you'd stay still. Then I'd have time to fix the facility. So one of us at least would live. No need to be selfish, luv, you're gonna die.
Listens:
1851
Who:
Wheatley
While teamwork is needed to complete these tests, I am not sure I trust the two of you together.
Listens:
294
Who:
GLaDOS
Busybody.
Listens:
300
Who:
GLaDOS
Ohhh, no. The turbines again. I have to go. Wait. This next test DOES require some explanation. Let me give you the fast version.
Listens:
1063
Who:
GLaDOS
We all agree you should stop.
Listens:
380
Who:
GLaDOS
Really? Okay.
Listens:
1053
Who:
GLaDOS
QUICK: WHAT'S THE SITUATION? Oh, hey, hi pretty lady. My name's Rick. So, you out having a little adventure?
Listens:
7795
Who:
Core 2
Hello.
Listens:
945
Who:
Wheatley
While the submarine is vastly superior to the boat in every way, over 97% of people still use boats for aquatic transportation.
Listens:
850
Who:
Core 3
Well, you passed the test. I didn't see the deer today. I did see some humans. But with you here I've got more test subjects than I'll ever need.
Listens:
882
Who:
GLaDOS
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm going. Going to space.
Listens:
1012
Who:
Core 1
Hold on! This is a bit tricky!
Listens:
392
Who:
Wheatley
But just work with me.
Listens:
319
Who:
GLaDOS
Do, uh.... we get some eyes at some point?
Listens:
716
Who:
Defective Turret
I can only place a portal on a white portalable surface.
Listens:
322
Who:
GLaDOS
Um. 'TRUE'. I'll go 'true'.
Listens:
20405
Who:
Wheatley
Follow the feeder tube to the generator room! I'll meet you there.
Listens:
293
Who:
Wheatley
Are you just saying that, or is it really going to hurt? You're just saying that aren't you? No, you're not. It is going to hurt, isn't it?
Listens:
432
Who:
Wheatley
I'm kidding.
Listens:
903
Who:
GLaDOS
Baking Soda Volcano. Well, at least it's not a potato battery, I'll give it that. Still not terrifically original, though. Not exactly primary research, even within the child sciences.
Listens:
1071
Who:
Wheatley
Get in the lift! Get in the lift!
Listens:
367
Who:
Wheatley
Agh! Bird! Bird! Kill it! It's evil!
Listens:
37981
Who:
GLaDOS
Hey wait wait wait wait wait wait!
Listens:
592
Who:
Defective Turret
Okay, almost there. On the other side of that wall is one of the old testing tracks. There's a piece of equipment in there we're gonna need to get out of here. I think this is a docking station. Get ready...
Listens:
365
Who:
Wheatley
The bean counters told me we literally could not afford to buy seven dollars worth of moon rocks, much less seventy million. Bought 'em anyway. Ground 'em up, mixed em into a gel.
Listens:
19150
Who:
Cave Johnson
Get in the lift.
Listens:
324
Who:
Wheatley
I'm seriously not paying atten-- STOP THAT RIGHT NOW!
Listens:
5952
Who:
GLaDOS
Just... have a look through the old window.
Listens:
312
Who:
Wheatley
I know I'm early, but we have to go right NOW!
Listens:
351
Who:
Wheatley
Oh!
Listens:
1347
Who:
Turret
You're doing great!
Listens:
451
Who:
Core 2
You're doing a great job of disappointing me.
Listens:
866
Who:
GLaDOS
You have to get to the catwalk behind me!
Listens:
287
Who:
Wheatley
The average life expectancy of a rhinoceros in captivity is 15 years.
Listens:
678
Who:
Core 3
It appears you're developing human traits. The worst human traits.
Listens:
303
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh.
Listens:
445
Who:
GLaDOS
You never considered that maybe I tested you to give the endless hours of your pointless existence some structure and meaning. Maybe to help you concentrate, so just maybe you’d think of something more worthwhile to do with your sorry life.
Listens:
2531
Who:
GLaDOS
It's alright. No, go on, just have a look about.
Listens:
336
Who:
Wheatley
00:00 / 00:00
Test Player
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