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Portal 2
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Oh, it's a core you've put on me! Who told you to do that? Was it her? [as if he's looking around] It's just making me stronger, luv! It's a fool's errand!
Listens:
2808
Who:
Wheatley
Are you trying to weigh me down? Think I'll fall out of the ceiling? Won't work. I'm not just quite brilliant, I'm also quite strong. Biggest muscle in my body: my brain. Second biggest: My muscles. So, it's not going to work. Clearly.
Listens:
1150
Who:
Wheatley
Did you put a virus in them? It's not going to work either. I've got a firewall, mate. Literally, actually, now that I look around. There appears to be literally a wall of fire around this place. Alarming. To say the least.
Listens:
24589
Who:
Wheatley
In fact, I'm going to have to take a break for a minute. A partial break during which I'll stop the facility from exploding while still throwing bombs at you.
Listens:
607
Who:
Wheatley
Alright, then. Let us see... 'Vital maintenance protocols.' Wow, there are a lot of them. Should have looked into this earlier. Well, let's try this: [reading while typing] DO THEM. [failure buzzer]. Fair enough. Maybe it's a password.
Listens:
2579
Who:
Wheatley
A, A, A, A, A, A. [NNNT!] No. A, A, A, A, A, B. [NNNT!] Hold on, I've done both of these. Skip ahead. A, B, C... D, G, H.[DING!]
Listens:
175484
Who:
Wheatley
Enough! I told you not to put these cores on me. But you don't listen, do you? Quiet. All the time. Quietly not listening to a word I say. Judging me. Silently. The worst kind.
Listens:
1405
Who:
Wheatley
All I wanted to do was make everything better for me! All you had to do was solve a couple hundred simple tests for a few years. And you couldn't even let me have that, could you?
Listens:
762
Who:
Wheatley
Nobody is going to space, mate!
Listens:
22008
Who:
Wheatley
And another thing! You never caught me. I told you I could die falling off that rail. And you didn't catch me. You didn't even try. Oh, it's all becoming clear to me now. Find some dupe to break you out of cryosleep. Give him a sob story about escaping to the surface. Squeeze him for information on where to find a portal gun.
Listens:
4321
Who:
Wheatley
Then, when he's no more use to you, he has a little accident. Doesn't he? 'Falls' off his management rail. Doesn't he?
Listens:
582
Who:
Wheatley
You're in this together, aren't you? You've been playing me the whole time! Both of you! First you make me think you're brain damaged! Then you convince me you're sworn enemies with your best friend over here!
Listens:
900
Who:
Wheatley
Then, then, when I reluctantly assume the responsibility of running the place, you conveniently decide to run off together. Just when I need you most.
Listens:
472
Who:
Wheatley
All those pieces of the ceiling that keep falling out? Probably actually pieces of the ceiling, I'll bet. That looked real. But it doesn't signify anything, is my point.
Listens:
456
Who:
Wheatley
But the real point is - oh, oh! You know what I've just remembered? Football! Kicking a ball around for fun. Cruel, obviously. Humans love it. Metaphor. Should have seen this coming.
Listens:
2230
Who:
Wheatley
No! Don't! No! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Listens:
3357
Who:
Wheatley
Ha... That sounded real. No! That was actually an impression of you. Actually. Because you just fell into my trap. My brilliant trap. Just then. I wanted you to trick me into bursting that pipe. You didn't trick me. Seemingly trick me. Gives you false hope. Leads to overconfidence. And that leads to mistakes. Fatal mistakes. It's all part of my plan.
Listens:
2115
Who:
Wheatley
Oh, but I just... have made my actual first mistake... by telling you my plan. Just now. Grrr... It's me old Achilles heel again. Armed with that knowledge, I imagine you won't even use the conversion gel. Oh fate! Oh cruel mistress.
Listens:
817
Who:
Wheatley
That conversion gel has been sitting in that pipe going stagnant for years. You'll probably get botulism portalling through it like that.
Listens:
430
Who:
Wheatley
And you'll probably get ringworm. And Athlete's Foot. And... Cholera. Or something... Horrible. It's gonna be even worse than if I'd just blown you up.
Listens:
553
Who:
Wheatley
But it's not too late to avoid all of that by simply not using the gel. There you go, I said it. I gave away my plan. But I couldn't watch you hurt yourself like this.
Listens:
380
Who:
Wheatley
SURPRISE! We're doing it NOW!
Listens:
6019
Who:
Wheatley
You've probably figured it out by now, but I don't need you anymore.
Listens:
323
Who:
Wheatley
I found two little robots back here. Built specifically for testin'!
Listens:
393
Who:
Wheatley
You might want to notice the moat area... rather large. Not to mention deadly. [laughs]
Listens:
417
Who:
Wheatley
Impossible as it is to imagine, there actually is a solution. Devilishly hidden.
Listens:
340
Who:
Wheatley
I'll give you a hint. Button. That's all I'm gonna say. One word. Button.
Listens:
441
Who:
Wheatley
I'll bet you're both dying to know what your big surprise is. Only TWO more chambers!
Listens:
503
Who:
Wheatley
MOVE.
Listens:
527
Who:
Wheatley
Heh heh heh. Alright? I don't know whether you're picking up on what I'm saying there, but...
Listens:
350
Who:
Wheatley
You two are going to LOVE this big surprise. In fact, you might say that you're both going to love it to death. Love it... until it kills you. Until you're dead.
Listens:
3555
Who:
Wheatley
Only three more chambers until your big surprise! [maniacal laughter] Ohhh, that's tiring.
Listens:
2174
Who:
Wheatley
Go on.
Listens:
364
Who:
Wheatley
Come on, solve it!
Listens:
353
Who:
Wheatley
Sollllve it...
Listens:
339
Who:
Wheatley
SOLVE IT! Commanding voice...
Listens:
794
Who:
Wheatley
Go on!
Listens:
298
Who:
Wheatley
Finish it...
Listens:
384
Who:
Wheatley
It's alright! Everything's good. I just invented some more tests!
Listens:
346
Who:
Wheatley
Not entirely, not entirely. Look at the word 'test', on the wall there. That's brand new.
Listens:
405
Who:
Wheatley
Ha ha, YES! I knew you'd solve it!
Listens:
347
Who:
Wheatley
Oh.
Listens:
407
Who:
Wheatley
Um. 'TRUE'. I'll go 'true'.
Listens:
20567
Who:
Wheatley
Huh. That was easy.
Listens:
348
Who:
Wheatley
I'll be honest, I might have heard that one before, though. Sort of cheating.
Listens:
380
Who:
Wheatley
Ahhhhhh. 'FALSE'. I'll go 'false'.
Listens:
5750
Who:
Wheatley
Hold on! I thought I fixed that.
Listens:
657
Who:
Wheatley
There. Fixed.
Listens:
532
Who:
Wheatley
Hey, it is GREAT seeing you guys again. Seriously. It turns out I'm a little short on test subjects right now. So this works out PERFECT.
Listens:
437
Who:
Wheatley
Alright, get moving.
Listens:
321
Who:
Wheatley
Hello.
Listens:
958
Who:
Wheatley
Warmer. Warrrrmer. Boiling hot. Boiling--okay, colder. Ice cold. Arctic. Very very very cold LOOK JUST GET ON THE BUTTON!
Listens:
759
Who:
Wheatley
Oh, that's funny, is it? Because we've been at this twelve hours and you haven't solved it either, so I don't know why you're laughing.
Listens:
961
Who:
Wheatley
You've got one hour! Solve it!
Listens:
612
Who:
Wheatley
Just getting a test ready... For you. Obviously. Who else would I be doing it for? No one.
Listens:
330
Who:
Wheatley
Agh! You're alive! Great!
Listens:
508
Who:
Wheatley
Let's see here, exit exit exit... there is no exit.
Listens:
535
Who:
Wheatley
Not a problem. I'll make an exit.
Listens:
368
Who:
Wheatley
For your test.
Listens:
312
Who:
Wheatley
Had a bit of a brain wave. There I was, smashing some steel plates together, and I thought, 'yes, it's deadly. But what's missing? What's missing?' And I thought lots of sharp bits welded onto the flat bits.
Listens:
1986
Who:
Wheatley
Still a work in progress, don't judge me yet. Eventually I'd like to get them to sort of shoot fire at you, moments before crushing you. That's what I'm aiming for. But you know, small steps.
Listens:
1479
Who:
Wheatley
Ohhhhh, yes. Ohhhh. Well done.
Listens:
4543
Who:
Wheatley
Oh! Yes. Well done.
Listens:
1061
Who:
Wheatley
Ohhhhhhh, that's tremendous.
Listens:
572
Who:
Wheatley
You have no idea what it's like in this body.
Listens:
290
Who:
Wheatley
I HAVE to test. All the time. Or I get this... this ITCH. It must be hardwired into the system or something.
Listens:
1190
Who:
Wheatley
Oh! But when I DO test... ohhhhh, man alive! Nothing feels better. It's just... why I've gotta test, I've gotta test!
Listens:
1861
Who:
Wheatley
So... you're gonna test. I'm gonna watch. And everything is gonna be JUST... FINE.
Listens:
724
Who:
Wheatley
SHUT UP!
Listens:
19670
Who:
Wheatley
Wowwwww! Check me out, partner!
Listens:
821
Who:
Wheatley
Whoa-ho-ho! Would you look at this. Not too bad, eh? Giant robot. Massive! It's not just me, right? I'm bloody massive, aren't I?
Listens:
670
Who:
Wheatley
We did it! I'm in control of the whole facility now!
Listens:
396
Who:
Wheatley
Oh! Right, the escape lift! I'll call it now.
Listens:
332
Who:
Wheatley
Look how small you are down there! I can barely see you! Very tiny and insignificant!
Listens:
386
Who:
Wheatley
I knew it was gonna be cool being in charge of everything, but... wow, this is cool!
Listens:
394
Who:
Wheatley
And check this out! I'm a bloody genius now!
Listens:
716
Who:
Wheatley
I don't even know what I just said! But I can find out!
Listens:
456
Who:
Wheatley
Oh! Sorry. The lift. Sorry. I keep forgetting.
Listens:
500
Who:
Wheatley
I can't get over how small you are!
Listens:
427
Who:
Wheatley
This body is amazing, seriously!
Listens:
348
Who:
Wheatley
Don't think I'm not onto you too, lady. You know what you are? Selfish. I've done nothing but sacrifice to get us here! What have you sacrificed? NOTHING. Zero. All you've done is BOSS ME AROUND. Well, NOW who's the boss? Who's the boss? It's me!
Listens:
2639
Who:
Wheatley
Ahhh...
Listens:
685
Who:
Wheatley
Well, how about now? NOW WHO'S A MORON?
Listens:
2081
Who:
Wheatley
I AM NOT! A MORON!
Listens:
8042
Who:
Wheatley
Oh, and don't bother trying to portal out of here, because it's impossible, okay? I thought of everything.
Listens:
331
Who:
Wheatley
Machiavellian!
Listens:
1092
Who:
Wheatley
Spinny-blade-wall!
Listens:
694
Who:
Wheatley
PART FIVE! BOOBYTRAP THE STALEMATE BUTTON!
Listens:
7084
Who:
Wheatley
What, are you still alive? You are joking. You have got be kidding me. Well, I'm still in control. AND I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO FIX THIS PLACE.
Listens:
6502
Who:
Wheatley
You had to play bloody cat and mouse, didn't you? While people were trying to work. Yes, well, now we're all going to pay the price. BECAUSE WE'RE ALL GOING TO BLOODY DIE.
Listens:
2482
Who:
Wheatley
Oh, brilliant, yeah. Take one last look at your precious human moon. Because it cannot help you now!
Listens:
2619
Who:
Wheatley
No!
Listens:
428
Who:
Wheatley
No!
Listens:
522
Who:
Wheatley
Do not press that button!
Listens:
904
Who:
Wheatley
Do not do it!
Listens:
351
Who:
Wheatley
Do not press that button!
Listens:
854
Who:
Wheatley
Do not press that button!
Listens:
542
Who:
Wheatley
Do not do it!
Listens:
421
Who:
Wheatley
Don't press the button!
Listens:
783
Who:
Wheatley
Come back!
Listens:
477
Who:
Wheatley
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