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Portal 2
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To your left... you'll see some lights of some kind. Don't know what they do. But very sciencey anyway.
Listens:
662
Who:
Wheatley
And to your right, something huge hurtling towards you OH GOD RUN! THAT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THERE.
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2785
Who:
Wheatley
Are you alright back there? Here, I'll turn the beam off.
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702
Who:
Wheatley
Waitwaitwait. Ohhhh. Not helpful. Rrrrrg. Don't know why I thought that would help.
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1261
Who:
Wheatley
There. Bing! Perfect. On you go.
Listens:
464
Who:
Wheatley
After you told me to turn the beam off, I thought I'd lost you. Went poking around for other test subjects. No luck there. Everyone's still all dead.
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445
Who:
Wheatley
Oh! But I did find something. Reminds me: I've got a big surprise for you two. Seriously. Look forward to it.
Listens:
347
Who:
Wheatley
Don't mind me. Just moving the test chamber a little closer to me. Had a thought: Maybe proximity to the test solving might give us stronger results.
Listens:
296
Who:
Wheatley
What was that?
Listens:
394
Who:
Wheatley
Oh. Sorry. Could have... sworn you said something.
Listens:
367
Who:
Wheatley
Ha! Missed me that time. Ohhh, you were solving-nevermind, carry on. My fault.
Listens:
488
Who:
Wheatley
Are you... are you sure you're solving these correctly?
Listens:
327
Who:
Wheatley
Yes, you 'solved' it, but I'm wondering if there are a number of ways to solve them and you're picking all the worst ways.
Listens:
488
Who:
Wheatley
No. No. That was the solution. Rrrg! What am I missing?
Listens:
353
Who:
Wheatley
Anyway. Just finished the last one. The hardest one. Machiavelli. Do not know what all the fuss was about. Understood it perfectly. Have you read that one?
Listens:
973
Who:
Wheatley
Yeah, doubt it.
Listens:
414
Who:
Wheatley
Well, on with the test.
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318
Who:
Wheatley
Wish there was more books! But there's not.
Listens:
460
Who:
Wheatley
NNGH! It's not enough! If I'm such a moron, why can't you solve a simple test?
Listens:
1769
Who:
Wheatley
Ahhhohohhhh. Wow. Well done, seriously, both of you. Why don't you two go on ahead? I'll catch up with you.
Listens:
2384
Who:
Wheatley
Alright. So that last test was... seriously disappointing. Apparently being civil isn't motivating you. So let's try things her way... fatty. Adopted fatty. Fatty fatty no-parents.
Listens:
7411
Who:
Wheatley
What -what's wrong with being adopted? Um. Well... lack of parents, for one, and... also... furthermore... nothing. Some of my best... friends are... orphans... But...
Listens:
2072
Who:
Wheatley
What?
Listens:
404
Who:
Wheatley
Just--do the test! Just do the test.
Listens:
322
Who:
Wheatley
[sound of pages turning] Oh, sorry. Hope that didn't disturb you just then. It was the sound of books. Pages being turned.
Listens:
1399
Who:
Wheatley
So that's just what I was doing. I was just reading... ah... books. So I'm not a moron.
Listens:
2273
Who:
Wheatley
[tired breathing] Nevermind. Nevermind. Solve it yourself. You're on your own.
Listens:
535
Who:
Wheatley
Alright, this is taking too long. I'll just tell you how to solve the test.
Listens:
294
Who:
Wheatley
You see that button over there? You just need to ARRRRRGH!
Listens:
632
Who:
Wheatley
Yeah... Made this test myself. Out of some smaller tests. That I found. Lying around.
Listens:
329
Who:
Wheatley
Jammed 'em all together. Buttons. Got funnels. Bottomless pits are involved. It's got it all, it's absolute dynamite.
Listens:
536
Who:
Wheatley
What? No, you pressed that bAGGGHHHHHH
Listens:
971
Who:
Wheatley
Coming! Coming! Don't start yet!
Listens:
301
Who:
Wheatley
You're not going to believe this. I found a sealed off wing. Hundreds - HUNDREDS! - of perfectly good test chambers. Just sitting there. Filled with skeletons. Shook them out. Good as new!
Listens:
1411
Who:
Wheatley
Anddddd...THERE we go.
Listens:
343
Who:
Wheatley
Be honest. You can't even tell, can you? Seamless.
Listens:
336
Who:
Wheatley
Come on. Ohhhh. Hit me with it.
Listens:
605
Who:
Wheatley
Ohhh! Are you having a laugh?
Listens:
1012
Who:
Wheatley
Ohhhh, here we go... here it comes...
Listens:
454
Who:
Wheatley
Preparing to love this... don't want to build it up too much... but I think this one's going to be good, I can tell...
Listens:
469
Who:
Wheatley
Oh. Disappointing.
Listens:
1173
Who:
Wheatley
Ahungh. What was that? That was nothing! That was nothing!
Listens:
629
Who:
Wheatley
Ahungh.
Listens:
344
Who:
Wheatley
Pick me up. Let's get out of here.
Listens:
319
Who:
Wheatley
Alright, off you go!
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330
Who:
Wheatley
Go on. Just... March on through that hole.
Listens:
300
Who:
Wheatley
Yeah, it's alright. Go ahead.
Listens:
318
Who:
Wheatley
I know I've painted quite a grim picture of your chances. But if you simply stand here, we will both surely die.
Listens:
326
Who:
Wheatley
So, once again, just... move along. One small step and everything.
Listens:
314
Who:
Wheatley
Go on.
Listens:
338
Who:
Wheatley
On ya go.
Listens:
309
Who:
Wheatley
Your destination's probably not going to come meet us here. Is it? So go on.
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286
Who:
Wheatley
Ah. Hmmmm.
Listens:
328
Who:
Wheatley
This is.... yeah. Ummm. Hm. Okay. Don't want to alarm you, but if you've got a plan, of any kind, now would be a great time for us to switch to your plan.
Listens:
591
Who:
Wheatley
Oh! It's going faster, which I was... not expecting.
Listens:
296
Who:
Wheatley
Okay! No, don't worry! Don't worry! I've got it I've got it I've got it! THIS should slow it down!
Listens:
397
Who:
Wheatley
No. Makes it go faster.
Listens:
320
Who:
Wheatley
Okay...
Listens:
354
Who:
Wheatley
On three. Ready? One... Two...
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395
Who:
Wheatley
THREE! That's high. It's TOO high, isn't it, really, that--
Listens:
601
Who:
Wheatley
Alright, going on three just gives you too much time to think about it. Let's, uh, go on one this time. Okay, ready?
Listens:
342
Who:
Wheatley
ONE Catchmecatchmecatchmecatchmecatchme
Listens:
976
Who:
Wheatley
Plug me into that stick on the wall over there. I'll show you something.
Listens:
450
Who:
Wheatley
I can't... I can't do it if you're watching. [nervous laugh]
Listens:
658
Who:
Wheatley
Plug me into that stick on the wall over there. Yeah? And I'll show you something. You'll be impressed by this.
Listens:
343
Who:
Wheatley
Go on. Just jam me in over there.
Listens:
321
Who:
Wheatley
Right on that stick over there. Just put me right on it.
Listens:
291
Who:
Wheatley
It is tricky. It is tricky. But just... plug me in, please.
Listens:
314
Who:
Wheatley
It DOES sound rude. I'm not going to lie to you. It DOES sound rude. It's not. Put me right on it. Stick me in.
Listens:
823
Who:
Wheatley
I can't do it if you're watching. If you.... just turn around?
Listens:
429
Who:
Wheatley
Ummmm. Yeah, I can't do it if you're watching.
Listens:
382
Who:
Wheatley
Seriously, I'm not joking. Could you just turn around for a second?
Listens:
531
Who:
Wheatley
Alright. [nervous laugh] Can't do it if you're leering at me. Creepy.
Listens:
542
Who:
Wheatley
What's that behind you? It's only a robot on a bloody stick! A different one!
Listens:
530
Who:
Wheatley
Okay. Listen. I can't do it with you watching. I know it seems pathetic, given what we've been through. But just turn around. Please?
Listens:
338
Who:
Wheatley
There she is...
Listens:
378
Who:
Wheatley
Over there is where they used to keep the old neurotoxin release button. BIG responsibility, the guy in charge of the neurotoxin release button. And guess who he WAS? He wasn't me. But I was his assistant, and I did a lot of his admin.
Listens:
797
Who:
Wheatley
You know, in the end, yes, they let me go. It's all politics, to be honest. It's a big popularity contest, it's all about who you know, and whose back you're willing to scratch, who doesn't touch -- or, in my case, who did accidentally touch -- the neurotoxin button.
Listens:
1361
Who:
Wheatley
But not entirely my fault! You shoulda seen the SIZE of that thing, it was huge! I should have gotten a raise for all the times I DIDN'T bump into it.
Listens:
424
Who:
Wheatley
What a nasty piece of work she was, honestly. Like a proper maniac.
Listens:
667
Who:
Wheatley
You know who ended up, do you know who ended up taking her down in the end? You're not going to believe this. A human.
Listens:
306
Who:
Wheatley
I know! I know, I wouldn't have believed it either.
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343
Who:
Wheatley
Apparently this human escaped and nobody's seen him since.
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330
Who:
Wheatley
Then there was a sort of long chunk of time where absolutely nothing happened and then there's us escaping now. So that's pretty much the whole story, you're up to speed. Don't touch anything.
Listens:
575
Who:
Wheatley
Pop a portal on that wall behind me there, and I'll meet you on the other side of the room.
Listens:
334
Who:
Wheatley
Oh, brilliant. You DID find a portal gun! You know what? It just goes to show: people with brain damage are the real heroes in the end aren't they? At the end of the day. Brave.
Listens:
2924
Who:
Wheatley
Right behind me.
Listens:
305
Who:
Wheatley
Just pop a portal right behind me there, and come on through to the other side.
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311
Who:
Wheatley
Pop a little portal, just there, alright? Behind me. And come on through.
Listens:
302
Who:
Wheatley
Alright, let me explain again. Pop a portal. Behind me. Alright? And come on through.
Listens:
342
Who:
Wheatley
Pop a portal. Behind me, on the wall. Come on through.
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308
Who:
Wheatley
Come on through.
Listens:
338
Who:
Wheatley
Come on through to the other side.
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346
Who:
Wheatley
Come on through.
Listens:
326
Who:
Wheatley
Okay, DON'T PANIC! I can still stop it, not a problem. There's a password! I'll just hack it. Here we go.
Listens:
998
Who:
Wheatley
A... A... A... A... A... A.
Listens:
565
Who:
Wheatley
Okay. New plan. Act natural. We've done NOTHING wrong.
Listens:
512
Who:
Wheatley
Hello!
Listens:
7129
Who:
Wheatley
You did WHAT?
Listens:
3214
Who:
Wheatley
No. Wait, did I do B? Do you have a pen? Start writing these down.
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460
Who:
Wheatley
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