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Portal 2
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Alright, can't blame me for trying. Okay... New tests, new tests... there's gotta be some tests around here somewhere.
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1467
Who:
Wheatley
Oh! Here we go...
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1187
Who:
Wheatley
Annnnnnnnd... Nothing.
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3262
Who:
Wheatley
Go on.
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852
Who:
Wheatley
Come on, you've already solved it.
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599
Who:
Wheatley
Come on, you've already solved it once. Less than a minute ago you solved this puzzle. Do it again, please.
Listens:
807
Who:
Wheatley
One minute ago. Less than one minute ago you solved this puzzle. Now you're having problems.
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710
Who:
Wheatley
You just beat this test. Literally twenty seconds ago.
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632
Who:
Wheatley
*cough* Button.
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1246
Who:
Wheatley
*cough* Button. Button.
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1337
Who:
Wheatley
*cough cough* Pressthebutton.
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7421
Who:
Wheatley
*cough* PRESS THE BUTTON.
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33219
Who:
Wheatley
*cough* Press the button, would you?
Listens:
1098
Who:
Wheatley
Oh, that felt really good.
Listens:
1367
Who:
Wheatley
Here's an idea, since making tests is difficult--why don't you just keep solving THIS test. Same one. And I can just... watch you solve it. Yes. That sounds much easier.
Listens:
815
Who:
Wheatley
Hello! This is the part where I kill you.
Listens:
106413
Who:
Wheatley
No, seriously. Do come back. Come back, please.
Listens:
1164
Who:
Wheatley
Okay, I've decided not to kill you. IF you come back.
Listens:
750
Who:
Wheatley
Can't help but notice you're not coming back. Which is disappointing.
Listens:
612
Who:
Wheatley
Aw. Just thinking back to the old days when we were friends. Good old friends. Not enemies. And I'd say something like 'come back', and you'd be like 'no problem!' And you'd come back. What happened to those days?
Listens:
1792
Who:
Wheatley
Do you remember when we were friends?
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630
Who:
Wheatley
Ah, friendship. Friendly times. We had a lot of good times, do you remember? Back in the old days.
Listens:
628
Who:
Wheatley
Oo! I've got an idea!
Listens:
516
Who:
Wheatley
No no no! Don't do that! Stand right there! [to self] Start the machine start the machine start the machine...
Listens:
744
Who:
Wheatley
Oh! You came back! Didn't actually plan... for that. Can't actually reset the death trap. So. Ah. Could you jump into that pit, there? Would you just jump into that pit for me?
Listens:
1183
Who:
Wheatley
Could you just jump into that pit? There. That deadly pit.
Listens:
1811
Who:
Wheatley
You're saying to yourself, why should I jump into the pit? I'll tell you why. Guess who's down there? Your parents! You're not adopted after all! It's your natural parents down there in the pit. Should have mentioned it before. But I didn't. So jump on down and reunite with mommy and daddy.
Listens:
2880
Who:
Wheatley
Oh I'll tell you what's also down there. Your parents and... There's also an escape elevator!. Down there. Funny. I should have mentioned it before. But so it's down there. So pop down. Jump down. You've got your folks down there and an escape elevator
Listens:
1055
Who:
Wheatley
And what else is down there... Tell you what, it's only a new jumpsuit. A very trendy designer jumpsuit from France. Down there. Which is exactly your size. And if it's a bit baggy, we got a tailor down there as well who can take it in for you
Listens:
773
Who:
Wheatley
And what's this, a lovely handbag? And the three portal device! It's all down there!
Listens:
1039
Who:
Wheatley
Um. You've got a yacht. And... Boys! Loads of fellas. Hunky guys down there. Possibly even a boyfriend! Who's to say at this stage. But, a lot of good looking fellas down there. And, ah, a boy band as well! That haven't seen a woman in years. And they're not picky at all. They don't care if you've got a bit of brain damage. If you've been running around sweating. And... A farm! A pony farm! And... Just jump down, would ya?
Listens:
187058
Who:
Wheatley
Ahh. What?
Listens:
864
Who:
Wheatley
Nooooo. No, I don't think it is. I think you're wrong.
Listens:
2079
Who:
Wheatley
Pshh. Really? And do what, exactly?
Listens:
576
Who:
Wheatley
YES YES! IN YOUR FACE! I GOT YO-ah, nope.
Listens:
4130
Who:
Wheatley
Fine. Let the games begin.
Listens:
4021
Who:
Wheatley
No wait, come back. Sorry. Please. I was going somewhere with that.
Listens:
682
Who:
Wheatley
And again, not playing along. You're ruining what are some really good speeches, actually.
Listens:
397
Who:
Wheatley
Didn't even get to the good part yet. Twist ending.
Listens:
575
Who:
Wheatley
So twisty you might even call it spinning. MOO HOO HA HA HA Ignore the laughter. Nothing to worry about.
Listens:
1227
Who:
Wheatley
Alright, fine. I'm not saying another word until you do it properly. I'm sick of this.
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515
Who:
Wheatley
No!
Listens:
618
Who:
Wheatley
Ah, I see. Clever. Verrrrrrry clever.
Listens:
2865
Who:
Wheatley
And FOOLISH! No way out. At my mercy. And I don't have any. You're at my nothing.
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1000
Who:
Wheatley
FOOL! You were a fool to come back, because I've trapped you again! Helpless. You're at my mercy. And I don't have any. You're at my nothing. You're at my lack of mercy.
Listens:
2142
Who:
Wheatley
Puppet master! You're a puppet in a play, and I hold all the strings! And cards, still. Cards in one hand, strings in the other. And I'm making you dance like a puppet. Playing cards.
Listens:
2511
Who:
Wheatley
Well, no matter. Because I'm STILL holding all the cards, and guess what: they're allll Full Houses! I've never played cards. Meaning to learn.
Listens:
1951
Who:
Wheatley
Anyway, new turrets. Not defective. Ace of fours. The best hand. Unbeatable, I imagine.
Listens:
1513
Who:
Wheatley
Where'd you go?
Listens:
356
Who:
Wheatley
Where'd you go? Come back! Come back!
Listens:
645
Who:
Wheatley
Well... Good. Good. Finally, a nemesis worthy of my vast intellect.
Listens:
655
Who:
Wheatley
Holmes versus Moriarty.
Listens:
2106
Who:
Wheatley
Aristotle versus Mashy-spike-plate!
Listens:
27662
Who:
Wheatley
Stay still, please.
Listens:
563
Who:
Wheatley
Alright, stop moving.
Listens:
403
Who:
Wheatley
Ohhh. Almost got you there. Almost got ya there!
Listens:
375
Who:
Wheatley
Did something break back there?
Listens:
578
Who:
Wheatley
Oh! Oh! Did it kill you? Oh, that would be amazing if it killed you.
Listens:
680
Who:
Wheatley
Hello?
Listens:
1224
Who:
Wheatley
Oh! Oh oh! Yes. Alright. Just had a brainwave. I'll be back. If you're still alive. I'll be back. Don't die until I get back.
Listens:
954
Who:
Wheatley
Hold on, hold on, hold on... Almost there...
Listens:
358
Who:
Wheatley
Don't mind me. Continue escaping.
Listens:
373
Who:
Wheatley
Ha! Death trap!
Listens:
733
Who:
Wheatley
Ha! Was that your bullet-riddled body, flying out of the room? It was- aww, those were the crap turrets, weren't they? Yeah...
Listens:
2026
Who:
Wheatley
Are they killing you? They're killing you, aren't they?
Listens:
588
Who:
Wheatley
Silently killing you. Probably. If I had to guess.
Listens:
489
Who:
Wheatley
Ah! Perhaps the turrets have found a way to use garrotes. That would explain the extremely... quiet killing. That I'm hearing.
Listens:
659
Who:
Wheatley
If you're dying, but not dead, stomp once. If you're dead, obviously no stomps. And two stomps if you're not dead. Lemme just run through that again: If you're dying but not dead stomp just once. If you're dead, obviously you won't be stomping. And if you're not dead, give me two stomps.
Listens:
1140
Who:
Wheatley
You know, I'd tell you if I were dead. Courtesy. Mark of a civil society. So, just let me know.
Listens:
406
Who:
Wheatley
Okay, that's long enough. Are you dead yet? How about now?
Listens:
591
Who:
Wheatley
Okay, I'll take that as a no, then. Fine. Well. May the best man win. Sphere. May the best sphere win. Swap that in. Much more clever. Books.
Listens:
792
Who:
Wheatley
Okay, I'll take that as a no, then.
Listens:
361
Who:
Wheatley
Oh! Wow! Good! I did not think that was going to work.
Listens:
883
Who:
Wheatley
Ah! There you are. Great. Let me just get rid of this catwalk.
Listens:
345
Who:
Wheatley
There we go. I wanted to talk to you for a moment, if I may.
Listens:
282
Who:
Wheatley
I'll be honest: The death traps have been a bit of a failure so far. For both of us. I think you'll agree. And you are getting very close to my lair.
Listens:
594
Who:
Wheatley
'Lair' - heh, weird isn't it? First time I've said it out loud. Sounds a bit ridiculous, really. But I can assure you it is one. A proper lair. Deadly lair.
Listens:
965
Who:
Wheatley
So I just wanted to give you the chance to kill yourself now. Before you get to the lair. Just, you know, jump into the masher there. Less a death trap and more a death option for you.
Listens:
708
Who:
Wheatley
Sounds crazy, I know. But hear me out. Once you get to my lair, death will not be optional. It will be mandatory. No tricks, no surprises: just you dying, as a result of me killing you in a very very gruesome way.
Listens:
994
Who:
Wheatley
So. Boom. Better offer here is just kill yourself. Seems like a lot of effort to walk all the way to my deadly lair, when there's a perfectly serviceable death option right there. Again: not a death trap. Your death would be entirely voluntary. And very much appreciated.
Listens:
985
Who:
Wheatley
The masher does work. I should point that out. I know we've had a couple of problems in the past. This masher definitely works and it will kill you. If that's one of your concerns about jumping in, the masher will kill you. Painless. Well, it won't be painless, obviously. But it will mash you up.
Listens:
593
Who:
Wheatley
In summary: walk all the way to certain doom, or give up now. Honorably. Like a samurai! Save yourself a trip. It's win-win for you.
Listens:
363
Who:
Wheatley
Plus, I put a lot of effort in getting this lair ready for you. It'd certainly teach me a lesson if you simply died, painlessly, twenty feet from the door. I'd be furious. I'd be like RRRRR. I got my just desserts. No more than I deserve. Why not teach me a lesson by jumping in the old masher?
Listens:
799
Who:
Wheatley
I tell you, if I was up against impossible odds, this is the way I'd want to go out: mashed with dignity. That'd be the way I'd choose.
Listens:
353
Who:
Wheatley
And here's the best part. There's a conveyor belt that will convey you in convenient comfort right into the masher. You won't have to lift a finger. Everything's been taken care of. Didn't have to. Didn't have to do that.
Listens:
438
Who:
Wheatley
Look, anyway. I've spoken enough. Take your time. I'll let you think about it. I don't want to pressure you: is it the lair? Is it the masher? You know what my opinion is: Masher. I'm leaning toward masher. Up to you. Just gonna give you some time to think
Listens:
466
Who:
Wheatley
Where are you going? Don't run! Don't run! I'll tell you why you shouldn't run: The harder you breathe, the more neurotoxin you'll inhale. It's bloody clever, this stuff. Seriously, it's devilish.
Listens:
611
Who:
Wheatley
Still running. Alright. Looks tiring. Tell you what - you stop running and I'll stop bombing you... That seems fair.
Listens:
472
Who:
Wheatley
Alright. Didn't go for that, I see. Knew I was lying. Point to you. But you still are inhaling neurotoxin. So, point deducted.
Listens:
297
Who:
Wheatley
Look out! I'm right behind you! No, of course I'm not. Saw through that too. Forty feet tall, right in front of you. Not my greatest ruse. To be honest. Still a giant robot, though.
Listens:
1148
Who:
Wheatley
Also, I took the liberty of watching the tapes of you killing her, and I'm not going to make the same mistakes. Four part plan is this:
Listens:
633
Who:
Wheatley
One: No portal surfaces.
Listens:
968
Who:
Wheatley
Two: Start the neurotoxin immediately.
Listens:
931
Who:
Wheatley
Three: Bomb-proof shields for me. Leading directly into number Four: Bombs. For throwing at you.
Listens:
895
Who:
Wheatley
You know what, this plan is so good, I'm going to give you a sporting chance and turn off the neurotoxin. I'm joking. Of course. Goodbye.
Listens:
1471
Who:
Wheatley
Well, well, well. Welcome to MY LAIR! Lemme just flag something up: According to the control panel light up there, the entire building's going to self destruct in about six minutes. Pretty sure it's a problem with the light. I think the light's on the blink. But just in case it isn't, I actually am going to have to kill you. As discussed earlier.
Listens:
8071
Who:
Wheatley
So, let's call that three minutes, and then a minute break, which should leave a leisurely two minutes to figure out how to shut down whatever's starting all these fires. So anyway, that's the itinerary.
Listens:
752
Who:
Wheatley
Ahhh... Wha- What happened?
Listens:
1433
Who:
Wheatley
What happened? What, what, what have you put onto me? What is that?
Listens:
458
Who:
Wheatley
Hold on, [click click click] Ah, the bloody bombs are stuck on. Doesn't matter - I've reconfigured the shields.
Listens:
990
Who:
Wheatley
00:00 / 00:00
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