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Portal 2
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TF2 Music
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Alright, can't blame me for trying. Okay... New tests, new tests... there's gotta be some tests around here somewhere.
Listens:
1489
Who:
Wheatley
Oh! Here we go...
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1202
Who:
Wheatley
Annnnnnnnd... Nothing.
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3281
Who:
Wheatley
Go on.
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868
Who:
Wheatley
Come on, you've already solved it.
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614
Who:
Wheatley
Come on, you've already solved it once. Less than a minute ago you solved this puzzle. Do it again, please.
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831
Who:
Wheatley
One minute ago. Less than one minute ago you solved this puzzle. Now you're having problems.
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722
Who:
Wheatley
You just beat this test. Literally twenty seconds ago.
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646
Who:
Wheatley
*cough* Button.
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1268
Who:
Wheatley
*cough* Button. Button.
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1356
Who:
Wheatley
*cough cough* Pressthebutton.
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7453
Who:
Wheatley
*cough* PRESS THE BUTTON.
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33531
Who:
Wheatley
*cough* Press the button, would you?
Listens:
1113
Who:
Wheatley
Oh, that felt really good.
Listens:
1390
Who:
Wheatley
Here's an idea, since making tests is difficult--why don't you just keep solving THIS test. Same one. And I can just... watch you solve it. Yes. That sounds much easier.
Listens:
837
Who:
Wheatley
Hello! This is the part where I kill you.
Listens:
107185
Who:
Wheatley
No, seriously. Do come back. Come back, please.
Listens:
1184
Who:
Wheatley
Okay, I've decided not to kill you. IF you come back.
Listens:
763
Who:
Wheatley
Can't help but notice you're not coming back. Which is disappointing.
Listens:
628
Who:
Wheatley
Aw. Just thinking back to the old days when we were friends. Good old friends. Not enemies. And I'd say something like 'come back', and you'd be like 'no problem!' And you'd come back. What happened to those days?
Listens:
1808
Who:
Wheatley
Do you remember when we were friends?
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651
Who:
Wheatley
Ah, friendship. Friendly times. We had a lot of good times, do you remember? Back in the old days.
Listens:
645
Who:
Wheatley
Oo! I've got an idea!
Listens:
531
Who:
Wheatley
No no no! Don't do that! Stand right there! [to self] Start the machine start the machine start the machine...
Listens:
754
Who:
Wheatley
Oh! You came back! Didn't actually plan... for that. Can't actually reset the death trap. So. Ah. Could you jump into that pit, there? Would you just jump into that pit for me?
Listens:
1202
Who:
Wheatley
Could you just jump into that pit? There. That deadly pit.
Listens:
1832
Who:
Wheatley
You're saying to yourself, why should I jump into the pit? I'll tell you why. Guess who's down there? Your parents! You're not adopted after all! It's your natural parents down there in the pit. Should have mentioned it before. But I didn't. So jump on down and reunite with mommy and daddy.
Listens:
2903
Who:
Wheatley
Oh I'll tell you what's also down there. Your parents and... There's also an escape elevator!. Down there. Funny. I should have mentioned it before. But so it's down there. So pop down. Jump down. You've got your folks down there and an escape elevator
Listens:
1067
Who:
Wheatley
And what else is down there... Tell you what, it's only a new jumpsuit. A very trendy designer jumpsuit from France. Down there. Which is exactly your size. And if it's a bit baggy, we got a tailor down there as well who can take it in for you
Listens:
785
Who:
Wheatley
And what's this, a lovely handbag? And the three portal device! It's all down there!
Listens:
1052
Who:
Wheatley
Um. You've got a yacht. And... Boys! Loads of fellas. Hunky guys down there. Possibly even a boyfriend! Who's to say at this stage. But, a lot of good looking fellas down there. And, ah, a boy band as well! That haven't seen a woman in years. And they're not picky at all. They don't care if you've got a bit of brain damage. If you've been running around sweating. And... A farm! A pony farm! And... Just jump down, would ya?
Listens:
188354
Who:
Wheatley
Ahh. What?
Listens:
875
Who:
Wheatley
Nooooo. No, I don't think it is. I think you're wrong.
Listens:
2109
Who:
Wheatley
Pshh. Really? And do what, exactly?
Listens:
588
Who:
Wheatley
YES YES! IN YOUR FACE! I GOT YO-ah, nope.
Listens:
4179
Who:
Wheatley
Fine. Let the games begin.
Listens:
4060
Who:
Wheatley
No wait, come back. Sorry. Please. I was going somewhere with that.
Listens:
699
Who:
Wheatley
And again, not playing along. You're ruining what are some really good speeches, actually.
Listens:
407
Who:
Wheatley
Didn't even get to the good part yet. Twist ending.
Listens:
585
Who:
Wheatley
So twisty you might even call it spinning. MOO HOO HA HA HA Ignore the laughter. Nothing to worry about.
Listens:
1239
Who:
Wheatley
Alright, fine. I'm not saying another word until you do it properly. I'm sick of this.
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528
Who:
Wheatley
No!
Listens:
636
Who:
Wheatley
Ah, I see. Clever. Verrrrrrry clever.
Listens:
2887
Who:
Wheatley
And FOOLISH! No way out. At my mercy. And I don't have any. You're at my nothing.
Listens:
1021
Who:
Wheatley
FOOL! You were a fool to come back, because I've trapped you again! Helpless. You're at my mercy. And I don't have any. You're at my nothing. You're at my lack of mercy.
Listens:
2178
Who:
Wheatley
Puppet master! You're a puppet in a play, and I hold all the strings! And cards, still. Cards in one hand, strings in the other. And I'm making you dance like a puppet. Playing cards.
Listens:
2535
Who:
Wheatley
Well, no matter. Because I'm STILL holding all the cards, and guess what: they're allll Full Houses! I've never played cards. Meaning to learn.
Listens:
1963
Who:
Wheatley
Anyway, new turrets. Not defective. Ace of fours. The best hand. Unbeatable, I imagine.
Listens:
1527
Who:
Wheatley
Where'd you go?
Listens:
363
Who:
Wheatley
Where'd you go? Come back! Come back!
Listens:
656
Who:
Wheatley
Well... Good. Good. Finally, a nemesis worthy of my vast intellect.
Listens:
672
Who:
Wheatley
Holmes versus Moriarty.
Listens:
2149
Who:
Wheatley
Aristotle versus Mashy-spike-plate!
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27916
Who:
Wheatley
Stay still, please.
Listens:
580
Who:
Wheatley
Alright, stop moving.
Listens:
412
Who:
Wheatley
Ohhh. Almost got you there. Almost got ya there!
Listens:
386
Who:
Wheatley
Did something break back there?
Listens:
588
Who:
Wheatley
Oh! Oh! Did it kill you? Oh, that would be amazing if it killed you.
Listens:
695
Who:
Wheatley
Hello?
Listens:
1235
Who:
Wheatley
Oh! Oh oh! Yes. Alright. Just had a brainwave. I'll be back. If you're still alive. I'll be back. Don't die until I get back.
Listens:
966
Who:
Wheatley
Hold on, hold on, hold on... Almost there...
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369
Who:
Wheatley
Don't mind me. Continue escaping.
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383
Who:
Wheatley
Ha! Death trap!
Listens:
753
Who:
Wheatley
Ha! Was that your bullet-riddled body, flying out of the room? It was- aww, those were the crap turrets, weren't they? Yeah...
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2041
Who:
Wheatley
Are they killing you? They're killing you, aren't they?
Listens:
602
Who:
Wheatley
Silently killing you. Probably. If I had to guess.
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498
Who:
Wheatley
Ah! Perhaps the turrets have found a way to use garrotes. That would explain the extremely... quiet killing. That I'm hearing.
Listens:
682
Who:
Wheatley
If you're dying, but not dead, stomp once. If you're dead, obviously no stomps. And two stomps if you're not dead. Lemme just run through that again: If you're dying but not dead stomp just once. If you're dead, obviously you won't be stomping. And if you're not dead, give me two stomps.
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1160
Who:
Wheatley
You know, I'd tell you if I were dead. Courtesy. Mark of a civil society. So, just let me know.
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414
Who:
Wheatley
Okay, that's long enough. Are you dead yet? How about now?
Listens:
602
Who:
Wheatley
Okay, I'll take that as a no, then. Fine. Well. May the best man win. Sphere. May the best sphere win. Swap that in. Much more clever. Books.
Listens:
801
Who:
Wheatley
Okay, I'll take that as a no, then.
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376
Who:
Wheatley
Oh! Wow! Good! I did not think that was going to work.
Listens:
889
Who:
Wheatley
Ah! There you are. Great. Let me just get rid of this catwalk.
Listens:
355
Who:
Wheatley
There we go. I wanted to talk to you for a moment, if I may.
Listens:
290
Who:
Wheatley
I'll be honest: The death traps have been a bit of a failure so far. For both of us. I think you'll agree. And you are getting very close to my lair.
Listens:
606
Who:
Wheatley
'Lair' - heh, weird isn't it? First time I've said it out loud. Sounds a bit ridiculous, really. But I can assure you it is one. A proper lair. Deadly lair.
Listens:
978
Who:
Wheatley
So I just wanted to give you the chance to kill yourself now. Before you get to the lair. Just, you know, jump into the masher there. Less a death trap and more a death option for you.
Listens:
771
Who:
Wheatley
Sounds crazy, I know. But hear me out. Once you get to my lair, death will not be optional. It will be mandatory. No tricks, no surprises: just you dying, as a result of me killing you in a very very gruesome way.
Listens:
1011
Who:
Wheatley
So. Boom. Better offer here is just kill yourself. Seems like a lot of effort to walk all the way to my deadly lair, when there's a perfectly serviceable death option right there. Again: not a death trap. Your death would be entirely voluntary. And very much appreciated.
Listens:
1004
Who:
Wheatley
The masher does work. I should point that out. I know we've had a couple of problems in the past. This masher definitely works and it will kill you. If that's one of your concerns about jumping in, the masher will kill you. Painless. Well, it won't be painless, obviously. But it will mash you up.
Listens:
604
Who:
Wheatley
In summary: walk all the way to certain doom, or give up now. Honorably. Like a samurai! Save yourself a trip. It's win-win for you.
Listens:
371
Who:
Wheatley
Plus, I put a lot of effort in getting this lair ready for you. It'd certainly teach me a lesson if you simply died, painlessly, twenty feet from the door. I'd be furious. I'd be like RRRRR. I got my just desserts. No more than I deserve. Why not teach me a lesson by jumping in the old masher?
Listens:
810
Who:
Wheatley
I tell you, if I was up against impossible odds, this is the way I'd want to go out: mashed with dignity. That'd be the way I'd choose.
Listens:
360
Who:
Wheatley
And here's the best part. There's a conveyor belt that will convey you in convenient comfort right into the masher. You won't have to lift a finger. Everything's been taken care of. Didn't have to. Didn't have to do that.
Listens:
447
Who:
Wheatley
Look, anyway. I've spoken enough. Take your time. I'll let you think about it. I don't want to pressure you: is it the lair? Is it the masher? You know what my opinion is: Masher. I'm leaning toward masher. Up to you. Just gonna give you some time to think
Listens:
475
Who:
Wheatley
Where are you going? Don't run! Don't run! I'll tell you why you shouldn't run: The harder you breathe, the more neurotoxin you'll inhale. It's bloody clever, this stuff. Seriously, it's devilish.
Listens:
624
Who:
Wheatley
Still running. Alright. Looks tiring. Tell you what - you stop running and I'll stop bombing you... That seems fair.
Listens:
478
Who:
Wheatley
Alright. Didn't go for that, I see. Knew I was lying. Point to you. But you still are inhaling neurotoxin. So, point deducted.
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306
Who:
Wheatley
Look out! I'm right behind you! No, of course I'm not. Saw through that too. Forty feet tall, right in front of you. Not my greatest ruse. To be honest. Still a giant robot, though.
Listens:
1178
Who:
Wheatley
Also, I took the liberty of watching the tapes of you killing her, and I'm not going to make the same mistakes. Four part plan is this:
Listens:
643
Who:
Wheatley
One: No portal surfaces.
Listens:
987
Who:
Wheatley
Two: Start the neurotoxin immediately.
Listens:
944
Who:
Wheatley
Three: Bomb-proof shields for me. Leading directly into number Four: Bombs. For throwing at you.
Listens:
910
Who:
Wheatley
You know what, this plan is so good, I'm going to give you a sporting chance and turn off the neurotoxin. I'm joking. Of course. Goodbye.
Listens:
1493
Who:
Wheatley
Well, well, well. Welcome to MY LAIR! Lemme just flag something up: According to the control panel light up there, the entire building's going to self destruct in about six minutes. Pretty sure it's a problem with the light. I think the light's on the blink. But just in case it isn't, I actually am going to have to kill you. As discussed earlier.
Listens:
8207
Who:
Wheatley
So, let's call that three minutes, and then a minute break, which should leave a leisurely two minutes to figure out how to shut down whatever's starting all these fires. So anyway, that's the itinerary.
Listens:
777
Who:
Wheatley
Ahhh... Wha- What happened?
Listens:
1448
Who:
Wheatley
What happened? What, what, what have you put onto me? What is that?
Listens:
480
Who:
Wheatley
Hold on, [click click click] Ah, the bloody bombs are stuck on. Doesn't matter - I've reconfigured the shields.
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1020
Who:
Wheatley
00:00 / 00:00
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