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Portal 2
Portal 2 DLC
Portal 2 PTI
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Portal 1 Music
Team Fortress 2
TF2 Music
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Good news: that is NOT a docking station. So there's one mystery solved. I'm going to attempt a manual override on this wall. Could get a bit technical! Hold on!
Listens:
1194
Who:
Wheatley
This next test is very dangerous. To help you remain tranquil in the face of almost certain death, smooth jazz will be deployed in three. Two. One. [SMOOTH JAZZ]
Listens:
80735
Who:
Announcer
You can't give up now.
Listens:
303
Who:
GLaDOS
The portal will open and emergency testing will begin in three. Two. One.
Listens:
2031
Who:
Announcer
Now I spy something that starts with an 'a'.
Listens:
350
Who:
Wheatley
Okay! Keep your eye on the turret line, I'm gonna go and hack the door open.
Listens:
325
Who:
Wheatley
You don't need to do that.
Listens:
327
Who:
GLaDOS
You're the type of show-off who only shows off really stupid things.
Listens:
529
Who:
GLaDOS
For your test.
Listens:
307
Who:
Wheatley
Are you okay? Are you - Don't answer that. I'm absolutely sure you're fine. There's plenty of time for you to recover. Just take it slow.
Listens:
528
Who:
Wheatley
I'll bet you think I forgot about your surprise. I didn't. In fact, we're headed to your surprise right now. After all these years. I'm getting choked up just thinking about it.
Listens:
705
Who:
GLaDOS
So. Welcome to Aperture. You're here because we want the best, and you're it. Nope. Couldn't keep a straight face.
Listens:
3345
Who:
Cave Johnson
Look at you. Sailing through the air majestically. Like an eagle. Piloting a blimp.
Listens:
11180
Who:
GLaDOS
Alright, so, silent contemplation it is. Mysterious button... Sorry. Sorry. Silence. Do not speak. In the silence. Let the silence descend. Here it comes. One hundred percent silence. From now. By the way, if you come up with any ideas, do flag them up. Don't feel you have to stay quiet because I've said absolute silence. So if you come up with an idea, mention it. Otherwise, absolute silence starting... Now.
Listens:
1826
Who:
Wheatley
Gotta go to space.
Listens:
904
Who:
Core 1
Which involves deadly lasers and how test subjects react when locked in a room with deadly lasers.
Listens:
1047
Who:
GLaDOS
According to most advanced algorithms, the world's best name is Craig.
Listens:
4495
Who:
Core 3
I know I'm early, but we have to go right NOW!
Listens:
351
Who:
Wheatley
Substitute core accepted.
Listens:
1384
Who:
Announcer
On the floor. Needing your help. The whole time. All the time. Needing your help.
Listens:
309
Who:
Wheatley
Good work! I'm delivering the first core up near the catwalk!
Listens:
385
Who:
GLaDOS
Ohhh, no. The turbines again. I have to go. Wait. This next test DOES require some explanation. Let me give you the fast version.
Listens:
1063
Who:
GLaDOS
I should congratulate you, by the way. I didn't actually think you'd make such a worthy opponent. Weren't you supposed to be brain damaged or something? yeah, brain damaged like a fox.
Listens:
1904
Who:
Wheatley
You never considered that maybe I tested you to give the endless hours of your pointless existence some structure and meaning. Maybe to help you concentrate, so just maybe you’d think of something more worthwhile to do with your sorry life.
Listens:
2531
Who:
GLaDOS
That's another fifty point penalty.
Listens:
618
Who:
GLaDOS
The hardest part of any hack is the figuring-out-how-to-start phase. That's always tricky. But... Let the games begin.
Listens:
932
Who:
Wheatley
That’s right. You're not humans.
Listens:
380
Who:
GLaDOS
You know what? I think we're well past the point of tasteful restraint. So I'll tell you: they all died. Horrifically. Trying to get that portal device that you're gripping in your meaty little fingers there.
Listens:
718
Who:
Wheatley
Your business is appreciated
Listens:
1055
Who:
Turret
Agh!
Listens:
326
Who:
Wheatley
Since making test participation mandatory for all employees, the quality of our test subjects has risen dramatically. Employee retention, however, has not.
Listens:
2981
Who:
Cave Johnson
The value of Pi is the ratio of any circle's circumference to its diameter in Euclidean space.
Listens:
801
Who:
Core 3
That's funny, I don't feel corrupt. In fact, I feel pretty good.
Listens:
1830
Who:
GLaDOS
Don't do it.
Listens:
686
Who:
GLaDOS
Just say 'Apple'. Classic. Very simple.
Listens:
852
Who:
Wheatley
No, that's right. Over by the podium, yeah.
Listens:
312
Who:
Wheatley
If you can get me in front of him, I'll fry every circuit in that little idiot's head.
Listens:
462
Who:
GLaDOS
I believe the ratio of good test subjects to monsters is about... a million to 1.
Listens:
830
Who:
GLaDOS
That's why humans couldn't complete these courses, they treat their friends as enemies.
Listens:
370
Who:
GLaDOS
I know I've painted quite a grim picture of your chances. But if you simply stand here, we will both surely die.
Listens:
318
Who:
Wheatley
I was outside watching some deer frolic. You don't even care about the outside do you?
Listens:
814
Who:
GLaDOS
Uh oh.
Listens:
638
Who:
Wheatley
All right. I'm officially no longer paying attention to you.
Listens:
314
Who:
GLaDOS
Remember when I told you that you were the only subjects to pass the calibration tests?
Listens:
331
Who:
GLaDOS
Great work! Because this message is prerecorded, any observations related to your performance are speculation on our part. Please disregard any undeserved compliments.
Listens:
3022
Who:
Announcer
Plus, I put a lot of effort in getting this lair ready for you. It'd certainly teach me a lesson if you simply died, painlessly, twenty feet from the door. I'd be furious. I'd be like RRRRR. I got my just desserts. No more than I deserve. Why not teach me a lesson by jumping in the old masher?
Listens:
871
Who:
Wheatley
Are you scared to save those humans?
Listens:
290
Who:
GLaDOS
Are you curious about the humans? It seems some of the last non-testing humans alive tried to secretly imprison other humans and hide their tracks.
Listens:
520
Who:
GLaDOS
I know things look bleak, but that crazy man down there was right. Let's not take these lemons! We are going to march right back upstairs and MAKE him put me back in my body!
Listens:
4420
Who:
GLaDOS
Blue do what Orange just did.
Listens:
301
Who:
GLaDOS
Hmmm. Hmmmmmm. Hmm. Hmmmmm. Space!
Listens:
2479
Who:
Core 1
The Tariff Act of 1789, established to protect domestic manufacture, was the second statute ever enacted by the United States government.
Listens:
709
Who:
Core 3
You will be dead soon.
Listens:
880
Who:
Core 3
Moo hoo ha ha ha ha...
Listens:
804
Who:
Defective Turret
Lacks charisma.
Listens:
303
Who:
GLaDOS
I feel awful about that surprise. Tell you what, let's give your parents a call right now. [phone ringing] The birth parents you are trying to reach do not love you. Please hang up. [Dial tone]
Listens:
28897
Who:
GLaDOS
Ah. That just cleans right off, does it? Well, that would have been good to know. A little earlier.
Listens:
512
Who:
Wheatley
Hey, safe travels, there.
Listens:
394
Who:
Defective Turret
Now, you already met one another on the limo ride over, so let me introduce myself.
Listens:
1085
Who:
Cave Johnson
The portal will open and something will happen that Subject Blue is too smart to need any instructions about in three. Two. One.
Listens:
377
Who:
GLaDOS
Your failing gives me no new data, it just delays the inevitable.
Listens:
342
Who:
GLaDOS
Hostile to new ideas.
Listens:
341
Who:
GLaDOS
No A.I. can resist thinking about them.
Listens:
377
Who:
GLaDOS
But I overcame my handicap. That's a true story.
Listens:
517
Who:
GLaDOS
Congratulations! The simple fact that you're standing here listening to me means you've made a glorious contribution to science.
Listens:
1538
Who:
Cave Johnson
Now you're thinking with stupidity.
Listens:
1945
Who:
GLaDOS
Your failure brings back such wonderful memories.
Listens:
696
Who:
GLaDOS
Let me give you a clue, it is the one thing you can't do.
Listens:
293
Who:
GLaDOS
Give up? Also the floor. Was the answer that time. Same as before. Still on the floor.
Listens:
300
Who:
Wheatley
clickclickclick
Listens:
1405
Who:
Defective Turret
Coming! Coming! Don't start yet!
Listens:
300
Who:
Wheatley
Oh... can someone reassemble Blue?
Listens:
313
Who:
GLaDOS
Okay don't panic! Allright? Stop panicking! I can still stop this. Ahh. Oh there's a password. It's fine. I'll just hack it. Not a problem... umm...
Listens:
941
Who:
Wheatley
QUICK: WHAT'S THE SITUATION? Oh, hello angel. I guess I must have died and gone to heaven. Name's Rick. So, you out having yourself a little adventure?
Listens:
3773
Who:
Core 2
I hope you brought something stronger than a portal gun this time.
Listens:
1257
Who:
GLaDOS
They say the old caretaker of this place went absolutely crazy. Chopped up his entire staff. Of robots. All of them robots. They say at night you can still hear the screams. Of their replicas. All of them functionally indistinguishable from the originals. No memory of the incident. Nobody knows what they’re screaming about. Absolutely terrifying. Though obviously not paranormal in any meaningful way.
Listens:
18876
Who:
Wheatley
We're running out of time...
Listens:
425
Who:
GLaDOS
Wow.
Listens:
760
Who:
GLaDOS
I went and spoke with the door mainframe. Let's just say he won't be... well, living anymore. Anyway, back to testing.
Listens:
1526
Who:
GLaDOS
BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD
Listens:
106319
Who:
Wheatley
Now, escape pod... escape pod...
Listens:
361
Who:
Wheatley
Do you understand what I'm saying? Just tell me 'Yes'.
Listens:
318
Who:
Wheatley
Let's do it again! Pick me up again!
Listens:
303
Who:
Wheatley
Excellent work.
Listens:
348
Who:
GLaDOS
Unlike us, humans need to be taught teamwork.
Listens:
316
Who:
GLaDOS
I swear I know him...
Listens:
418
Who:
GLaDOS
You will need him for the final track.
Listens:
300
Who:
GLaDOS
Brain Mapping. Artificial Intelligence. We should have been working on it thirty years ago. I will say this - and I'm gonna say it on tape so everybody hears it a hundred times a day: If I die before you people can pour me into a computer, I want Caroline to run this place.
Listens:
2774
Who:
Cave Johnson
Where we going? What are we doing? Agh!
Listens:
508
Who:
Defective Turret
Blue, that transpired just as you said it would.
Listens:
328
Who:
GLaDOS
Glorious freedom!
Listens:
23532
Who:
Turret
Just stop flailing around like an incompetent.
Listens:
1312
Who:
GLaDOS
[clap clap clap]
Listens:
135367
Who:
GLaDOS
Still held! Still bein' held. That's a great job. You've applied the grip. We're all fine. That's tremendous.
Listens:
353
Who:
Wheatley
I thought we could test like we used to. But I'm discovering things about you that I never saw before. We can't ever go back to the way it was.
Listens:
6870
Who:
GLaDOS
Yes! Go and catch one of the crap turrets, and bring it back!
Listens:
1097
Who:
Wheatley
Pick me up. Let's get out of here.
Listens:
318
Who:
Wheatley
In 1948, at the request of a dying boy, baseball legend Babe Ruth ate seventy-five hot dogs, then died of hot dog poisoning.
Listens:
1586
Who:
Core 3
Blue, is there something you would like to say?
Listens:
327
Who:
GLaDOS
He will most likely kill you.
Listens:
804
Who:
Core 3
00:00 / 00:00
Test Player
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