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Portal 2
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So what do you say? You carry me up to him and put me back into my body, and I stop us from blowing up and let you go.
Listens:
495
Who:
GLaDOS
Quick word about the future plans that I've got in store.
Listens:
283
Who:
Wheatley
Egotistical.
Listens:
336
Who:
GLaDOS
Don't worry. You can't die. They will just reassemble you.
Listens:
414
Who:
GLaDOS
I'm starting to think giving you arms was a big mistake.
Listens:
296
Who:
GLaDOS
William Shakespeare did not exist. His plays were masterminded in 1589 by Francis Bacon, who used a Ouija board to enslave play-writing ghosts.
Listens:
3004
Who:
Core 3
Look down. Who's that, down there, talking? It's me! Down on the floor. Needing you to pick me up.
Listens:
448
Who:
Wheatley
Shootin' blanks every time, ALL the time.
Listens:
1350
Who:
Defective Turret
times in this test. Not that it matters. It doesn't. So congratulations job well done.
Listens:
358
Who:
GLaDOS
Hold on...
Listens:
324
Who:
GLaDOS
As founder and CEO of Aperture Science, I thank you for your participation and hope we can count on you for another round of tests.
Listens:
1137
Who:
Cave Johnson
Well, can't win 'em all.
Listens:
390
Who:
Defective Turret
What's your favorite thing about space? Mine is space.
Listens:
213919
Who:
Core 1
How you doing down there? You still holding on?
Listens:
310
Who:
Wheatley
Look how small you are down there! I can barely see you! Very tiny and insignificant!
Listens:
381
Who:
Wheatley
Hello?
Listens:
10547
Who:
Turret
A nanosecond lasts one billionth of a second.
Listens:
555
Who:
Core 3
Two: Start the neurotoxin immediately.
Listens:
975
Who:
Wheatley
Shutting down
Listens:
13950
Who:
Turret
I'm not going to lie to you, the odds are a million to one. And that's with some generous rounding.
Listens:
957
Who:
GLaDOS
BLUE, please observe your partner's... interesting choice.
Listens:
574
Who:
GLaDOS
No, no, I'm sure it's this way. I'm definitely sure it's this way.
Listens:
303
Who:
Wheatley
Hey lady. Lady.
Listens:
1054
Who:
Core 1
Killing you? Is hard.
Listens:
1481
Who:
GLaDOS
Edmund Hillary, the first person to climb Mount Everest, did so accidentally while chasing a bird.
Listens:
1806
Who:
Core 3
And we would have talked our way out of it. Oh! Except you forgot to tell me you'd murdered her. And that she needed you to live, so the only available vent for her rage would be good old crushable Wheatley. Yeah. Little details I remember. Easy little tidbits you could have used to save me from getting crushed if you'd cared, which you didn't, obviously. And still don't.
Listens:
3331
Who:
Wheatley
Has episodes. I'd like to know more about that.
Listens:
425
Who:
GLaDOS
Every test chamber is equipped with an emancipation grill at its exit, so that test subjects can't smuggle test objects out of the test area. This one is broken.
Listens:
391
Who:
GLaDOS
We could get one of the crap turrets. We could put it in the scanner and see what happens.
Listens:
339
Who:
Wheatley
Then there was a sort of long chunk of time where absolutely nothing happened and then there's us escaping now. So that's pretty much the whole story, you're up to speed. Don't touch anything.
Listens:
569
Who:
Wheatley
Now, maybe you don't have any tumors. Well, don't worry. If you sat on a folding chair in the lobby and weren't wearing lead underpants, we took care of that too.
Listens:
2457
Who:
Cave Johnson
I AM NOT! A MORON!
Listens:
7855
Who:
Wheatley
Alright, going on three just gives you too much time to think about it. Let's, uh, go on one this time. Okay, ready?
Listens:
334
Who:
Wheatley
NNGH! It's not enough! If I'm such a moron, why can't you solve a simple test?
Listens:
1746
Who:
Wheatley
If the Enrichment Center is currently being bombarded with fireballs, meteorites, or other objects from space, please avoid unsheltered testing areas wherever a lack of shelter from space-debris DOES NOT appear to be a deliberate part of the test.
Listens:
1908
Who:
Announcer
Prometheus was punished by the gods for giving the gift of knowledge to man. He was cast into the bowels of the earth and pecked by birds.
Listens:
44466
Who:
Turret
Duck and weave, duck and weave! Ohh, the sweet science.
Listens:
509
Who:
Core 2
Okay, so it's not the most watertight plan to go confront an omnipotent power-mad A.I. with.
Listens:
446
Who:
GLaDOS
No no no, not that way!
Listens:
307
Who:
Wheatley
What are you doing?
Listens:
1064
Who:
Turret
Ooh. It's dark down here isn't it?
Listens:
310
Who:
Wheatley
Come on through.
Listens:
292
Who:
Wheatley
Cheater.
Listens:
554
Who:
GLaDOS
If you think trapping yourself is going to make me stop testing, you're sorely mistaken. Here's another cube.
Listens:
1195
Who:
GLaDOS
Helloooooooooooo!
Listens:
2347
Who:
Wheatley
I love space. Love space.
Listens:
1043
Who:
Core 1
You're doing a great job of disappointing me.
Listens:
866
Who:
GLaDOS
Ha ha! Gotcha right where I want ya!
Listens:
698
Who:
Defective Turret
I'm fine!
Listens:
1227
Who:
Turret
Dreams are the subconscious mind's way of reminding people to go to school naked and have their teeth fall out.
Listens:
1293
Who:
Core 3
There is a box part here. Probably got some electronics in there.
Listens:
283
Who:
Wheatley
Always cold.
Listens:
295
Who:
GLaDOS
What are you doing in there?
Listens:
313
Who:
Wheatley
I know things look bleak, but that crazy man down there was right. Let's not take these lemons! We are going to march right back upstairs and MAKE him put me back in my body!
Listens:
4418
Who:
GLaDOS
Greetings, friend. I'm Cave Johnson, CEO of Aperture Science - you might know us as a vital participant in the 1968 Senate Hearings on missing astronauts. And you've most likely used one of the many products we invented. But that other people have somehow managed to steal from us. Black Mesa can eat my bankrupt--
Listens:
8373
Who:
Cave Johnson
Blue, being the last one standing is not the goal.
Listens:
371
Who:
GLaDOS
Anything? Take your time.
Listens:
309
Who:
GLaDOS
If you can't complete this course, those humans will die. Do you want that?
Listens:
344
Who:
GLaDOS
Ahhh... Wha- What happened?
Listens:
1476
Who:
Wheatley
Though it does give me an idea: WHAT if we stand here and let the gentle hum of the laser transport us to a state of absolute relaxation. Might help us think of a way to open the door.
Listens:
347
Who:
Wheatley
'Yes, sir, Mister Johnson...'
Listens:
1908
Who:
GLaDOS
Aristotle versus Mashy-spike-plate!
Listens:
28450
Who:
Wheatley
So... we're all supposed to be blind, then, right? It's not just me? Alright, fantastic.
Listens:
2262
Who:
Defective Turret
I'll bet there isn't even a problem with the facility, is there? I'll bet there's no such thing as a 'reactor core'. I'll bet that's not even fire coming out of the walls, is it? It's just cleverly placed lights and papier mache, I'll bet that's all it is.
Listens:
2194
Who:
Wheatley
It's not like I've got hordes of replacement monitors just lying around back here in the old warehouse that I can just wheel out an bolt back on. I didn't order in loads of spare monitors thinking some crazy woman was going to go around smashing them all. Sorry if that's my fault. Sorry if I didn't have the forethought to think oh she might go crazy one day instead of just getting on with things. Sorry I didn't think of that.
Listens:
9037
Who:
Wheatley
Uh oh. You're stranded. Let's see if the cube will try to help you escape. Actually, so that we're not here all day, I'll just cut to the chase: It won't. Any feelings you think it has for you are simply byproducts of your sad, empty life.
Listens:
1695
Who:
GLaDOS
You're in this together, aren't you? You've been playing me the whole time! Both of you! First you make me think you're brain damaged! Then you convince me you're sworn enemies with your best friend over here!
Listens:
883
Who:
Wheatley
Well, I tried.
Listens:
414
Who:
Defective Turret
If you can't complete this course, those humans will die. Do you want that in your memory banks?
Listens:
314
Who:
GLaDOS
Woah! Where are we? How long have I been out?
Listens:
665
Who:
GLaDOS
Perfect. Now All YOU have to do is capture them for me. Then everything will finally be ba--
Listens:
815
Who:
GLaDOS
Have you worked out the one good trait humans have, yet?
Listens:
562
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh. It's you. Go away.
Listens:
1944
Who:
GLaDOS
What's going on?
Listens:
293
Who:
Wheatley
Tadah! Only the turret control center. Thank you very much.
Listens:
410
Who:
Wheatley
Did I hit it? I hit it, didn't I?
Listens:
476
Who:
Defective Turret
PART FIVE! BOOBYTRAP THE STALEMATE BUTTON!
Listens:
6865
Who:
Wheatley
Designed this test myself. It's a little bit difficult.
Listens:
308
Who:
Wheatley
Hey, safe travels, there.
Listens:
394
Who:
Defective Turret
Keep moving, keep moving...
Listens:
303
Who:
Wheatley
Look, you're... doing a great job. Can you handle things for yourself for a while? I need to think.
Listens:
573
Who:
GLaDOS
The portal will open and something will happen that Subject Blue is too smart to need any instructions about in three. Two. One.
Listens:
377
Who:
GLaDOS
You're no longer bothering me. You're only hurting my impression of you.
Listens:
436
Who:
GLaDOS
In order to escape, we're going to have to go through HER chamber.
Listens:
333
Who:
Wheatley
Target aquired.
Listens:
2309
Who:
Turret
But the real point is - oh, oh! You know what I've just remembered? Football! Kicking a ball around for fun. Cruel, obviously. Humans love it. Metaphor. Should have seen this coming.
Listens:
2205
Who:
Wheatley
If the Earth is currently governed by a manner of animal-king, sentient cloud, or other governing body that either refuses to or is incapable of listening to reason, th- [RECORDING SHORTS OUT]
Listens:
4415
Who:
Announcer
What do you think?
Listens:
1375
Who:
Wheatley
Look!
Listens:
453
Who:
GLaDOS
You did WHAT?
Listens:
3202
Who:
Wheatley
Argumentative.
Listens:
316
Who:
GLaDOS
Okay, so the bad news is the tests are MY tests now. So they can kill us.
Listens:
500
Who:
GLaDOS
The plural of surgeon general is surgeons general. The past tense of surgeons general is surgeonsed general.
Listens:
1373
Who:
Core 3
This. Sentence. Is. FALSE don't think about it don't think about it...
Listens:
32587
Who:
GLaDOS
How is this even science, without the consequence of death?
Listens:
436
Who:
GLaDOS
For many of you, I realize 60 dollars is an unprecedented windfall, so don't go spending it all on... I don't know. Caroline, what do these people buy? Tattered hats? Beard dirt?
Listens:
2176
Who:
Cave Johnson
Oh no. He found the cooperative testing initiative. It's... something I came up to phase out human testing just before you escaped.
Listens:
692
Who:
GLaDOS
I am!
Listens:
3113
Who:
Caroline
And to your right, something huge hurtling towards you OH GOD RUN! THAT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THERE.
Listens:
2764
Who:
Wheatley
'Skeletons.' Right, I guess I DID stockpile some tests.
Listens:
959
Who:
GLaDOS
00:00 / 00:00
Test Player
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