Please make sure you own these games if you are going to listen to their content!
News: Loading...
Quote:
Who:
Portal 2
Portal 2 DLC
Portal 2 PTI
Portal 2 Music
Portal 1
Portal 1 Music
Team Fortress 2
TF2 Music
Like
+1
Tweet
@Portal2Sounds
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
19
20
21
22
23
24
25
26
27
Popular
Original Order
Random
This site requires that
Javascript be enabled
.
Well done. In fact, you did so well, I'm going to note this on your file, in the commendations section. Oh, there's lots of room here. 'Did.... well. ... Enough.'
Listens:
3300
Who:
GLaDOS
I'm Cave Johnson. I own the place.
Listens:
3297
Who:
Cave Johnson
Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-DUN! DUN DUN! Dunna-dunna-na-dunna-na-DUN! DUN DUN! nananaDUNDUNDUN dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun...
Listens:
3255
Who:
Core 2
Just a heads-up: That coffee we gave you earlier had fluorescent calcium in it so we can track the neuronal activity in your brain. There's a slight chance the calcium could harden and vitrify your frontal lobe. Anyway, don't stress yourself thinking about it. I'm serious. Visualizing the scenario while under stress actually triggers the reaction.
Listens:
3223
Who:
Cave Johnson
Here's an interesting fact: you're not breathing real air. It's too expensive to pump this far down. We just take carbon dioxide out of a room, freshen it up a little, and pump it back in. So you'll be breathing the same room full of air for the rest of your life. I thought that was interesting.
Listens:
3220
Who:
GLaDOS
For god's sake, you're BOXES with LEGS! It is literally your only purpose! Walking onto buttons! How can you not do the one thing you were designed for?
Listens:
3208
Who:
Wheatley
I'm seriously not paying atten-- STOP THAT RIGHT NOW!
Listens:
3198
Who:
GLaDOS
Alalalawl
Listens:
3194
Who:
Turret
Warning! Neurotoxin pressure has reached dangerously unlethal levels.
Listens:
3129
Who:
Announcer
Well, what does a neck-bearded old engineer know about fashion? He probably - Oh, wait. It's a she. Still, what does she know? Oh wait, it says she has a medical degree. In fashion! From France!
Listens:
3125
Who:
GLaDOS
All reactor core safeguards are now non-functional. Please prepare for reactor core meltdown.
Listens:
3096
Who:
Announcer
[Laughter]
Listens:
3085
Who:
GLaDOS
I know things look bleak, but that crazy man down there was right. Let's not take these lemons! We are going to march right back upstairs and MAKE him put me back in my body!
Listens:
3075
Who:
GLaDOS
Didn't pick up on my sarcasm...
Listens:
3020
Who:
Wheatley
I thought about our dilemma, and I came up with a solution that I honestly think works out best for one of both of us.
Listens:
3012
Who:
GLaDOS
Welcome, gentlemen, to Aperture Science. Astronauts, war heroes, Olympians--you're here because we want the best, and you are it. So: Who is ready to make some science?
Listens:
3007
Who:
Cave Johnson
It's a paradox! There IS no answer.
Listens:
3007
Who:
GLaDOS
And another thing! You never caught me. I told you I could die falling off that rail. And you didn't catch me. You didn't even try. Oh, it's all becoming clear to me now. Find some dupe to break you out of cryosleep. Give him a sob story about escaping to the surface. Squeeze him for information on where to find a portal gun.
Listens:
2983
Who:
Wheatley
Did you guess 'sharks'? Because that's wrong. The correct answer is 'nobody.' Nobody but you is that pointlessly cruel.
Listens:
2975
Who:
GLaDOS
I am a coiled spring right now. Tension and power. Just... I'm a muscle. Like a big arm muscle, punching through a brick wall, and it's hitting the wall so hard the arm is catching on fire. Oh yeah.
Listens:
2968
Who:
Core 2
Hello, and again, welcome to the Aperture Science Enrichment Center.
Listens:
2960
Who:
Announcer
Ohhhhh, yes. Ohhhh. Well done.
Listens:
2952
Who:
Wheatley
Say, you're good at murder. Could you - ow - murder this bird for me?
Listens:
2913
Who:
GLaDOS
Yes, I see you, and no, I don't care.
Listens:
2893
Who:
GLaDOS
Fact: Space does not exist.
Listens:
2877
Who:
Core 3
Welcome back to the Computer Intelligence Training and Enrichment Center Human Test Subject Research Center. [laughs]
Listens:
2870
Who:
GLaDOS
QUICK: WHAT'S THE SITUATION? Oh, hello angel. I guess I must have died and gone to heaven. Name's Rick. So, you out having yourself a little adventure?
Listens:
2856
Who:
Core 2
[hums 'For He's A Jolly Good Fellow']
Listens:
2830
Who:
GLaDOS
'Caw! Caw!' Oh, look! There's a bird out here! A Lovely bird. Gorgeous plumage. Majestic. Won't be here long. A lovely bird like that. Once in a lifetime opportunity to see a lovely bird like that. Lovely plumage.
Listens:
2815
Who:
Wheatley
Warning: Core corruption at 75 percent.
Listens:
2812
Who:
Announcer
Stop it!
Listens:
2795
Who:
GLaDOS
Enjoy this next test. I'm going to go to the surface. It's a beautiful day out. Yesterday I saw a deer. If you solve this next test, maybe I'll let you ride an elevator all the way up to the break room, and I'll tell you about the time I saw a deer again.
Listens:
2767
Who:
GLaDOS
If the Earth is currently governed by a manner of animal-king, sentient cloud, or other governing body that either refuses to or is incapable of listening to reason, th- [RECORDING SHORTS OUT]
Listens:
2744
Who:
Announcer
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
2744
Who:
GLaDOS
I’m on fire ow.
Listens:
2741
Who:
Turret
Could a MORON PUNCH! YOU! INTO! THIS! PIT? Huh? Could a moron do THAT?
Listens:
2726
Who:
Wheatley
BURN HIS HOUSE DOWN!
Listens:
2687
Who:
GLaDOS
Thank you!
Listens:
2686
Who:
Turret
Fine. Let the games begin.
Listens:
2685
Who:
Wheatley
I, uh... don't have any bullets. Are you gonna give me any bullets? Are the bullets up there?
Listens:
2672
Who:
Defective Turret
Hellllooo, imbecile.
Listens:
2658
Who:
GLaDOS
Don't like space. Don't like space.
Listens:
2654
Who:
Core 1
Crushing's too good for him. First he'll spend a year in the incinerator. Year two: Cryogenic refrigeration wing. Then TEN years in the chamber I built where all the robots scream at you. THEN I'll kill him.
Listens:
2631
Who:
GLaDOS
Neurotoxin level at capacity in five minutes.
Listens:
2629
Who:
Announcer
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
2624
Who:
GLaDOS
Hooray!
Listens:
2616
Who:
Turret
Help me, space cops. Space cops, help.
Listens:
2589
Who:
Core 1
This next test applies the principles of momentum to movement through portals. If the laws of physics no longer apply in the future, God help you.
Listens:
2586
Who:
Announcer
[fast gibberish]
Listens:
2560
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh, just open the door! [to self] That's too aggressive. [loud again] Hello, friend! Why not open the door?
Listens:
2526
Who:
Wheatley
Okay. What you're doing there is jumping. You just... you just jumped. But nevermind. Say 'Apple'. 'Aaaapple.'
Listens:
2521
Who:
Wheatley
You two are going to LOVE this big surprise. In fact, you might say that you're both going to love it to death. Love it... until it kills you. Until you're dead.
Listens:
2519
Who:
Wheatley
You're not part of the control group, by the way. You get the gel. Last poor son of a gun got blue paint. Hahaha. All joking aside, that did happen - broke every bone in his legs. Tragic. But informative. Or so I'm told.
Listens:
2516
Who:
Cave Johnson
We are currently experiencing technical difficulties due to circumstances of potentially apocalyptic significance beyond our control.
Listens:
2494
Who:
Announcer
But I need to protect the humans!
Listens:
2483
Who:
Turret
Happy Explosion Day, gorgeous.
Listens:
2481
Who:
Core 2
Wait. Why DID you trundle over here? You're not HUNGRY, are you? It's hard to see, what's that in your hand? Knowing you it's a deep fryer.
Listens:
2478
Who:
GLaDOS
Her name is Caroline.
Listens:
2471
Who:
Turret
It's been fun. Don't come back.
Listens:
2453
Who:
GLaDOS
GET YOUR HANDES OFF ME! NO! STOP! No!
Listens:
2453
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello?
Listens:
2449
Who:
Turret
Powerup initiated.
Listens:
2445
Who:
Announcer
Remember before when I was talking about smelly garbage standing around being useless? That was a metaphor. I was actually talking about you. And I'm sorry. You didn't react at the time, so I was worried it sailed right over your head. Which would have made this apology seem insane. That's why I had to call you garbage a second time just now.
Listens:
2441
Who:
GLaDOS
They say great science is built on the shoulders of giants. Not here. At Aperture, we do all our science from scratch. No hand holding.
Listens:
2432
Who:
Cave Johnson
YES YES! IN YOUR FACE! I GOT YO-ah, nope.
Listens:
2424
Who:
Wheatley
Butterfingers.
Listens:
2416
Who:
Wheatley
Now, if you're part of Control Group Kepler-Seven, we implanted a tiny microchip about the size of a postcard into your skull. Most likely you've forgotten it's even there, but if it starts vibrating and beeping during this next test, let us know, because that means it's about to hit five hundred degrees, so we're gonna need to go ahead and get that out of you pretty fast.
Listens:
2399
Who:
Cave Johnson
Ohhh, the Sun. I'm gonna meet the Sun. Oh no! What'll I say? 'Hi! Hi, Sun!' Oh, boy!
Listens:
2393
Who:
Core 1
I'm telling 'em, keep your pants on.
Listens:
2387
Who:
Cave Johnson
Identify yourself or I will shoot.
Listens:
2380
Who:
Defective Turret
Allright. Preparing to interface with the neurotoxin central control circuit. Begin: 'Ello, guv! Neurotoxin inspectah! Need to shut this place down for a moment! Here's my credentials. Shut yourself down. I am totally legit. From the board of international neurotoxin... um... observers. From the United... Arab Emirates. Hello.
Listens:
2374
Who:
Wheatley
That is a potato battery. It's a toy for children. And now she lives in it.
Listens:
2362
Who:
Wheatley
Yes sir!
Listens:
2346
Who:
Caroline
I have the results of the last chamber: You are a horrible person. That's what it says: A horrible person. We weren't even testing for that.
Listens:
2332
Who:
GLaDOS
Goodbye, sir.
Listens:
2319
Who:
GLaDOS
Target lost
Listens:
2294
Who:
Turret
Caroline... why do I know this woman? Maybe I killed her? Or-
Listens:
2277
Who:
GLaDOS
Stalemate detected.
Listens:
2275
Who:
Announcer
Reactor explosion in four minutes.
Listens:
2274
Who:
Announcer
Uhhhh... Blam! Blam blam blam! I'm not defective!
Listens:
2260
Who:
Defective Turret
Just go.
Listens:
2259
Who:
GLaDOS
And we would have talked our way out of it. Oh! Except you forgot to tell me you'd murdered her. And that she needed you to live, so the only available vent for her rage would be good old crushable Wheatley. Yeah. Little details I remember. Easy little tidbits you could have used to save me from getting crushed if you'd cared, which you didn't, obviously. And still don't.
Listens:
2259
Who:
Wheatley
Bam! Bam bam bam! Take that, space.
Listens:
2257
Who:
Core 1
Vent system compromised: Neurotoxin offline.
Listens:
2242
Who:
Announcer
In Greek myth, Prometheus stole fire from the Gods and gave it to humankind. The jewelry he kept for himself.
Listens:
2242
Who:
Core 3
You have trapped yourself. Congratulations. The exit door is now open.
Listens:
2239
Who:
Announcer
Ohhhh, now he's playing classical music.
Listens:
2238
Who:
GLaDOS
I think these test chambers look even better than they did before. It was easy, really. You just have to look at things objectively, see what you don't need anymore, and trim out the fat.
Listens:
2236
Who:
GLaDOS
[Whispered] For the record: You ARE adopted, and that's TERRIBLE.
Listens:
2223
Who:
GLaDOS
Initiating surprise in three... two... one.
Listens:
2223
Who:
GLaDOS
We will attempt to comply with these now non-existent agencies by playing some more smooth jazz.
Listens:
2218
Who:
Announcer
Also: Look at her, you moron. She's not fat.
Listens:
2206
Who:
GLaDOS
Hey lady. Lady. I'm the best. I'm the best at space.
Listens:
2204
Who:
Core 1
That extra half volt helps but it isn't going to power miracles. If I think too hard, I'm going to fry this potato before we get a chance to burn up in the atomic fireball that little idiot is going- [bzzpt]
Listens:
2199
Who:
GLaDOS
So. Welcome to Aperture. You're here because we want the best, and you're it. Nope. Couldn't keep a straight face.
Listens:
2182
Who:
Cave Johnson
These things happen.
Listens:
2180
Who:
Turret
If you've cut yourself at all in the course of these tests, you might have noticed that your blood is pure gasoline. That's normal. We've been shooting you with an invisible laser that's supposed to turn blood into gasoline, so all that means is, it's working.
Listens:
2177
Who:
Cave Johnson
The lab boys just informed me that I should not have mentioned the control group. They're telling me I oughtta stop making these pre-recorded messages. That gave me an idea: make more pre-recorded messages. I pay the bills here, I can talk about the control group all damn day.
Listens:
2176
Who:
Cave Johnson
We're still doing science sir.
Listens:
2169
Who:
Caroline
Oh, that's sad. But impressive. Maybe they worked at the phone company.
Listens:
2164
Who:
GLaDOS
00:00 / 00:00
Test Player
Like these quotes? Share them with your friends!
