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TF2 Music
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Oh. Play it cool. Play it cool. Here come the space cops.
Listens:
4536
Who:
Core 1
Ahhhhhh. 'FALSE'. I'll go 'false'.
Listens:
4516
Who:
Wheatley
Stop it!
Listens:
4446
Who:
GLaDOS
You're angry. I know it. 'She’s tested me too hard.' Boo hoo. I don't suppose you ever stopped whining long enough to reflect on your own shortcomings, though, did you?
Listens:
4443
Who:
GLaDOS
Those of you who volunteered to be injected with praying mantis DNA, I've got some good news and some bad news.
Listens:
4353
Who:
Cave Johnson
Most test subjects do experience some cognitive deterioration after a few months in suspension. Now you've been under for... quite a lot longer, and it's not out of the question that you might have a very minor case of serious brain damage.
Listens:
4344
Who:
Wheatley
Well done. In fact, you did so well, I'm going to note this on your file, in the commendations section. Oh, there's lots of room here. 'Did.... well. ... Enough.'
Listens:
4338
Who:
GLaDOS
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
4308
Who:
GLaDOS
Federal Superfund regulations require us to inform you that you must now leave the theater, as measuring the effects of asbestos-lined promotional clothing is not part of today's presentation. Enjoy your free t-shirt. Goodbye.
Listens:
4300
Who:
GLaDOS
I'm Cave Johnson. I own the place.
Listens:
4251
Who:
Cave Johnson
[hums 'For He's A Jolly Good Fellow']
Listens:
4238
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello, and again, welcome to the Aperture Science Enrichment Center.
Listens:
4234
Who:
Announcer
Yes, I see you, and no, I don't care.
Listens:
4233
Who:
GLaDOS
I’m on fire ow.
Listens:
4208
Who:
Turret
Warning! Neurotoxin pressure has reached dangerously unlethal levels.
Listens:
4115
Who:
Announcer
Here's an interesting fact: you're not breathing real air. It's too expensive to pump this far down. We just take carbon dioxide out of a room, freshen it up a little, and pump it back in. So you'll be breathing the same room full of air for the rest of your life. I thought that was interesting.
Listens:
4079
Who:
GLaDOS
Just a heads-up: That coffee we gave you earlier had fluorescent calcium in it so we can track the neuronal activity in your brain. There's a slight chance the calcium could harden and vitrify your frontal lobe. Anyway, don't stress yourself thinking about it. I'm serious. Visualizing the scenario while under stress actually triggers the reaction.
Listens:
4072
Who:
Cave Johnson
Here it is. Why don't you just do it? Trust me, it's an easier way out than whatever asinine plan your friend came up with.
Listens:
4052
Who:
GLaDOS
According to most advanced algorithms, the world's best name is Craig.
Listens:
4035
Who:
Core 3
Hooray!
Listens:
3990
Who:
Turret
It's a paradox! There IS no answer.
Listens:
3989
Who:
GLaDOS
Didn't pick up on my sarcasm...
Listens:
3968
Who:
Wheatley
Warning: Core corruption at 75 percent.
Listens:
3965
Who:
Announcer
Thank you!
Listens:
3945
Who:
Turret
The first person to prove that cow's milk is drinkable was very, very thirsty.
Listens:
3943
Who:
Core 3
Hellllooo, imbecile.
Listens:
3943
Who:
GLaDOS
Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-DUN! DUN DUN! Dunna-dunna-na-dunna-na-DUN! DUN DUN! nananaDUNDUNDUN dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun...
Listens:
3931
Who:
Core 2
Well, what does a neck-bearded old engineer know about fashion? He probably - Oh, wait. It's a she. Still, what does she know? Oh wait, it says she has a medical degree. In fashion! From France!
Listens:
3926
Who:
GLaDOS
Could a MORON PUNCH! YOU! INTO! THIS! PIT? Huh? Could a moron do THAT?
Listens:
3890
Who:
Wheatley
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
3870
Who:
GLaDOS
I know things look bleak, but that crazy man down there was right. Let's not take these lemons! We are going to march right back upstairs and MAKE him put me back in my body!
Listens:
3868
Who:
GLaDOS
Say, you're good at murder. Could you - ow - murder this bird for me?
Listens:
3826
Who:
GLaDOS
Ohhhhh, yes. Ohhhh. Well done.
Listens:
3808
Who:
Wheatley
Crushing's too good for him. First he'll spend a year in the incinerator. Year two: Cryogenic refrigeration wing. Then TEN years in the chamber I built where all the robots scream at you. THEN I'll kill him.
Listens:
3796
Who:
GLaDOS
I, uh... don't have any bullets. Are you gonna give me any bullets? Are the bullets up there?
Listens:
3783
Who:
Defective Turret
GET YOUR HANDES OFF ME! NO! STOP! No!
Listens:
3776
Who:
GLaDOS
Welcome back to the Computer Intelligence Training and Enrichment Center Human Test Subject Research Center. [laughs]
Listens:
3776
Who:
GLaDOS
Bam! Bam bam bam! Take that, space.
Listens:
3744
Who:
Core 1
Hello?
Listens:
3738
Who:
Turret
Welcome, gentlemen, to Aperture Science. Astronauts, war heroes, Olympians--you're here because we want the best, and you are it. So: Who is ready to make some science?
Listens:
3723
Who:
Cave Johnson
Did you guess 'sharks'? Because that's wrong. The correct answer is 'nobody.' Nobody but you is that pointlessly cruel.
Listens:
3718
Who:
GLaDOS
Neurotoxin level at capacity in five minutes.
Listens:
3702
Who:
Announcer
And another thing! You never caught me. I told you I could die falling off that rail. And you didn't catch me. You didn't even try. Oh, it's all becoming clear to me now. Find some dupe to break you out of cryosleep. Give him a sob story about escaping to the surface. Squeeze him for information on where to find a portal gun.
Listens:
3693
Who:
Wheatley
Fact: Space does not exist.
Listens:
3673
Who:
Core 3
If the Earth is currently governed by a manner of animal-king, sentient cloud, or other governing body that either refuses to or is incapable of listening to reason, th- [RECORDING SHORTS OUT]
Listens:
3671
Who:
Announcer
Yeah yeah yeah okay okay.
Listens:
3621
Who:
Core 1
'Caw! Caw!' Oh, look! There's a bird out here! A Lovely bird. Gorgeous plumage. Majestic. Won't be here long. A lovely bird like that. Once in a lifetime opportunity to see a lovely bird like that. Lovely plumage.
Listens:
3610
Who:
Wheatley
Her name is Caroline.
Listens:
3602
Who:
Turret
But I need to protect the humans!
Listens:
3557
Who:
Turret
I thought about our dilemma, and I came up with a solution that I honestly think works out best for one of both of us.
Listens:
3533
Who:
GLaDOS
Powerup initiated.
Listens:
3503
Who:
Announcer
Fine. Let the games begin.
Listens:
3493
Who:
Wheatley
Identify yourself or I will shoot.
Listens:
3487
Who:
Defective Turret
Enjoy this next test. I'm going to go to the surface. It's a beautiful day out. Yesterday I saw a deer. If you solve this next test, maybe I'll let you ride an elevator all the way up to the break room, and I'll tell you about the time I saw a deer again.
Listens:
3465
Who:
GLaDOS
YES YES! IN YOUR FACE! I GOT YO-ah, nope.
Listens:
3464
Who:
Wheatley
We are currently experiencing technical difficulties due to circumstances of potentially apocalyptic significance beyond our control.
Listens:
3441
Who:
Announcer
Help me, space cops. Space cops, help.
Listens:
3439
Who:
Core 1
Don't like space. Don't like space.
Listens:
3439
Who:
Core 1
Reactor explosion in four minutes.
Listens:
3434
Who:
Announcer
I am a coiled spring right now. Tension and power. Just... I'm a muscle. Like a big arm muscle, punching through a brick wall, and it's hitting the wall so hard the arm is catching on fire. Oh yeah.
Listens:
3409
Who:
Core 2
QUICK: WHAT'S THE SITUATION? Oh, hello angel. I guess I must have died and gone to heaven. Name's Rick. So, you out having yourself a little adventure?
Listens:
3390
Who:
Core 2
Remember before when I was talking about smelly garbage standing around being useless? That was a metaphor. I was actually talking about you. And I'm sorry. You didn't react at the time, so I was worried it sailed right over your head. Which would have made this apology seem insane. That's why I had to call you garbage a second time just now.
Listens:
3376
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello.
Listens:
3373
Who:
Turret
Oh, just open the door! [to self] That's too aggressive. [loud again] Hello, friend! Why not open the door?
Listens:
3351
Who:
Wheatley
This next test applies the principles of momentum to movement through portals. If the laws of physics no longer apply in the future, God help you.
Listens:
3328
Who:
Announcer
Stalemate detected.
Listens:
3310
Who:
Announcer
Butterfingers.
Listens:
3304
Who:
Wheatley
Uhhhh... Blam! Blam blam blam! I'm not defective!
Listens:
3303
Who:
Defective Turret
It's been fun. Don't come back.
Listens:
3290
Who:
GLaDOS
Target lost
Listens:
3281
Who:
Turret
Yes sir!
Listens:
3262
Who:
Caroline
Wait. Why DID you trundle over here? You're not HUNGRY, are you? It's hard to see, what's that in your hand? Knowing you it's a deep fryer.
Listens:
3239
Who:
GLaDOS
Allright. Preparing to interface with the neurotoxin central control circuit. Begin: 'Ello, guv! Neurotoxin inspectah! Need to shut this place down for a moment! Here's my credentials. Shut yourself down. I am totally legit. From the board of international neurotoxin... um... observers. From the United... Arab Emirates. Hello.
Listens:
3223
Who:
Wheatley
Vent system compromised: Neurotoxin offline.
Listens:
3214
Who:
Announcer
You can't fire me I quit!
Listens:
3200
Who:
Defective Turret
Goodbye, sir.
Listens:
3190
Who:
GLaDOS
Now, if you're part of Control Group Kepler-Seven, we implanted a tiny microchip about the size of a postcard into your skull. Most likely you've forgotten it's even there, but if it starts vibrating and beeping during this next test, let us know, because that means it's about to hit five hundred degrees, so we're gonna need to go ahead and get that out of you pretty fast.
Listens:
3168
Who:
Cave Johnson
Well, hello, stranger!
Listens:
3168
Who:
Defective Turret
You're not part of the control group, by the way. You get the gel. Last poor son of a gun got blue paint. Hahaha. All joking aside, that did happen - broke every bone in his legs. Tragic. But informative. Or so I'm told.
Listens:
3159
Who:
Cave Johnson
Okay. What you're doing there is jumping. You just... you just jumped. But nevermind. Say 'Apple'. 'Aaaapple.'
Listens:
3158
Who:
Wheatley
[Whispered] For the record: You ARE adopted, and that's TERRIBLE.
Listens:
3156
Who:
GLaDOS
Hey, where are we goingNOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Listens:
3155
Who:
Defective Turret
I'm telling 'em, keep your pants on.
Listens:
3119
Who:
Cave Johnson
AH!
Listens:
3109
Who:
Wheatley
Ohhh, the Sun. I'm gonna meet the Sun. Oh no! What'll I say? 'Hi! Hi, Sun!' Oh, boy!
Listens:
3081
Who:
Core 1
You have trapped yourself. Congratulations. The exit door is now open.
Listens:
3053
Who:
Announcer
You two are going to LOVE this big surprise. In fact, you might say that you're both going to love it to death. Love it... until it kills you. Until you're dead.
Listens:
3046
Who:
Wheatley
Ohhhh, now he's playing classical music.
Listens:
3045
Who:
GLaDOS
That is a potato battery. It's a toy for children. And now she lives in it.
Listens:
3041
Who:
Wheatley
Just go.
Listens:
3025
Who:
GLaDOS
I have the results of the last chamber: You are a horrible person. That's what it says: A horrible person. We weren't even testing for that.
Listens:
3024
Who:
GLaDOS
Caroline... why do I know this woman? Maybe I killed her? Or-
Listens:
3022
Who:
GLaDOS
They say great science is built on the shoulders of giants. Not here. At Aperture, we do all our science from scratch. No hand holding.
Listens:
3014
Who:
Cave Johnson
Also: Look at her, you moron. She's not fat.
Listens:
3006
Who:
GLaDOS
Now it's broken turret's time to shine!
Listens:
3002
Who:
Defective Turret
Initiating surprise in three... two... one.
Listens:
2999
Who:
GLaDOS
That extra half volt helps but it isn't going to power miracles. If I think too hard, I'm going to fry this potato before we get a chance to burn up in the atomic fireball that little idiot is going- [bzzpt]
Listens:
2998
Who:
GLaDOS
These things happen.
Listens:
2997
Who:
Turret
I think these test chambers look even better than they did before. It was easy, really. You just have to look at things objectively, see what you don't need anymore, and trim out the fat.
Listens:
2993
Who:
GLaDOS
We made it we made it we made it. Space!
Listens:
2980
Who:
Core 1
00:00 / 00:00
Test Player
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