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You're angry. I know it. 'She’s tested me too hard.' Boo hoo. I don't suppose you ever stopped whining long enough to reflect on your own shortcomings, though, did you?
Listens:
3765
Who:
GLaDOS
I'm Cave Johnson. I own the place.
Listens:
3759
Who:
Cave Johnson
Federal Superfund regulations require us to inform you that you must now leave the theater, as measuring the effects of asbestos-lined promotional clothing is not part of today's presentation. Enjoy your free t-shirt. Goodbye.
Listens:
3733
Who:
GLaDOS
According to most advanced algorithms, the world's best name is Craig.
Listens:
3667
Who:
Core 3
Here it is. Why don't you just do it? Trust me, it's an easier way out than whatever asinine plan your friend came up with.
Listens:
3648
Who:
GLaDOS
For god's sake, you're BOXES with LEGS! It is literally your only purpose! Walking onto buttons! How can you not do the one thing you were designed for?
Listens:
3647
Who:
Wheatley
The first person to prove that cow's milk is drinkable was very, very thirsty.
Listens:
3645
Who:
Core 3
Just a heads-up: That coffee we gave you earlier had fluorescent calcium in it so we can track the neuronal activity in your brain. There's a slight chance the calcium could harden and vitrify your frontal lobe. Anyway, don't stress yourself thinking about it. I'm serious. Visualizing the scenario while under stress actually triggers the reaction.
Listens:
3599
Who:
Cave Johnson
Here's an interesting fact: you're not breathing real air. It's too expensive to pump this far down. We just take carbon dioxide out of a room, freshen it up a little, and pump it back in. So you'll be breathing the same room full of air for the rest of your life. I thought that was interesting.
Listens:
3588
Who:
GLaDOS
Warning! Neurotoxin pressure has reached dangerously unlethal levels.
Listens:
3586
Who:
Announcer
Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-DUN! DUN DUN! Dunna-dunna-na-dunna-na-DUN! DUN DUN! nananaDUNDUNDUN dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun...
Listens:
3584
Who:
Core 2
Stop it!
Listens:
3525
Who:
GLaDOS
Yes, I see you, and no, I don't care.
Listens:
3509
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello, and again, welcome to the Aperture Science Enrichment Center.
Listens:
3499
Who:
Announcer
Well, what does a neck-bearded old engineer know about fashion? He probably - Oh, wait. It's a she. Still, what does she know? Oh wait, it says she has a medical degree. In fashion! From France!
Listens:
3467
Who:
GLaDOS
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
3450
Who:
GLaDOS
It's a paradox! There IS no answer.
Listens:
3449
Who:
GLaDOS
Didn't pick up on my sarcasm...
Listens:
3448
Who:
Wheatley
[hums 'For He's A Jolly Good Fellow']
Listens:
3418
Who:
GLaDOS
I know things look bleak, but that crazy man down there was right. Let's not take these lemons! We are going to march right back upstairs and MAKE him put me back in my body!
Listens:
3409
Who:
GLaDOS
I’m on fire ow.
Listens:
3405
Who:
Turret
[fast gibberish]
Listens:
3394
Who:
GLaDOS
Ohhhhh, yes. Ohhhh. Well done.
Listens:
3377
Who:
Wheatley
Crushing's too good for him. First he'll spend a year in the incinerator. Year two: Cryogenic refrigeration wing. Then TEN years in the chamber I built where all the robots scream at you. THEN I'll kill him.
Listens:
3343
Who:
GLaDOS
Warning: Core corruption at 75 percent.
Listens:
3311
Who:
Announcer
Welcome, gentlemen, to Aperture Science. Astronauts, war heroes, Olympians--you're here because we want the best, and you are it. So: Who is ready to make some science?
Listens:
3302
Who:
Cave Johnson
Did you guess 'sharks'? Because that's wrong. The correct answer is 'nobody.' Nobody but you is that pointlessly cruel.
Listens:
3290
Who:
GLaDOS
Thank you!
Listens:
3279
Who:
Turret
Welcome back to the Computer Intelligence Training and Enrichment Center Human Test Subject Research Center. [laughs]
Listens:
3277
Who:
GLaDOS
And another thing! You never caught me. I told you I could die falling off that rail. And you didn't catch me. You didn't even try. Oh, it's all becoming clear to me now. Find some dupe to break you out of cryosleep. Give him a sob story about escaping to the surface. Squeeze him for information on where to find a portal gun.
Listens:
3271
Who:
Wheatley
Fact: Space does not exist.
Listens:
3262
Who:
Core 3
Say, you're good at murder. Could you - ow - murder this bird for me?
Listens:
3261
Who:
GLaDOS
BURN HIS HOUSE DOWN!
Listens:
3250
Who:
GLaDOS
I thought about our dilemma, and I came up with a solution that I honestly think works out best for one of both of us.
Listens:
3247
Who:
GLaDOS
Hooray!
Listens:
3231
Who:
Turret
I, uh... don't have any bullets. Are you gonna give me any bullets? Are the bullets up there?
Listens:
3195
Who:
Defective Turret
If the Earth is currently governed by a manner of animal-king, sentient cloud, or other governing body that either refuses to or is incapable of listening to reason, th- [RECORDING SHORTS OUT]
Listens:
3186
Who:
Announcer
'Caw! Caw!' Oh, look! There's a bird out here! A Lovely bird. Gorgeous plumage. Majestic. Won't be here long. A lovely bird like that. Once in a lifetime opportunity to see a lovely bird like that. Lovely plumage.
Listens:
3183
Who:
Wheatley
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
3176
Who:
GLaDOS
Hellllooo, imbecile.
Listens:
3174
Who:
GLaDOS
Could a MORON PUNCH! YOU! INTO! THIS! PIT? Huh? Could a moron do THAT?
Listens:
3164
Who:
Wheatley
I am a coiled spring right now. Tension and power. Just... I'm a muscle. Like a big arm muscle, punching through a brick wall, and it's hitting the wall so hard the arm is catching on fire. Oh yeah.
Listens:
3150
Who:
Core 2
Enjoy this next test. I'm going to go to the surface. It's a beautiful day out. Yesterday I saw a deer. If you solve this next test, maybe I'll let you ride an elevator all the way up to the break room, and I'll tell you about the time I saw a deer again.
Listens:
3120
Who:
GLaDOS
Neurotoxin level at capacity in five minutes.
Listens:
3112
Who:
Announcer
QUICK: WHAT'S THE SITUATION? Oh, hello angel. I guess I must have died and gone to heaven. Name's Rick. So, you out having yourself a little adventure?
Listens:
3108
Who:
Core 2
Don't like space. Don't like space.
Listens:
3064
Who:
Core 1
Fine. Let the games begin.
Listens:
3034
Who:
Wheatley
Help me, space cops. Space cops, help.
Listens:
3014
Who:
Core 1
Hello?
Listens:
3000
Who:
Turret
Her name is Caroline.
Listens:
2985
Who:
Turret
GET YOUR HANDES OFF ME! NO! STOP! No!
Listens:
2978
Who:
GLaDOS
But I need to protect the humans!
Listens:
2940
Who:
Turret
Powerup initiated.
Listens:
2930
Who:
Announcer
This next test applies the principles of momentum to movement through portals. If the laws of physics no longer apply in the future, God help you.
Listens:
2905
Who:
Announcer
YES YES! IN YOUR FACE! I GOT YO-ah, nope.
Listens:
2901
Who:
Wheatley
We are currently experiencing technical difficulties due to circumstances of potentially apocalyptic significance beyond our control.
Listens:
2890
Who:
Announcer
Oh, just open the door! [to self] That's too aggressive. [loud again] Hello, friend! Why not open the door?
Listens:
2888
Who:
Wheatley
Identify yourself or I will shoot.
Listens:
2886
Who:
Defective Turret
Remember before when I was talking about smelly garbage standing around being useless? That was a metaphor. I was actually talking about you. And I'm sorry. You didn't react at the time, so I was worried it sailed right over your head. Which would have made this apology seem insane. That's why I had to call you garbage a second time just now.
Listens:
2857
Who:
GLaDOS
Wait. Why DID you trundle over here? You're not HUNGRY, are you? It's hard to see, what's that in your hand? Knowing you it's a deep fryer.
Listens:
2839
Who:
GLaDOS
You're not part of the control group, by the way. You get the gel. Last poor son of a gun got blue paint. Hahaha. All joking aside, that did happen - broke every bone in his legs. Tragic. But informative. Or so I'm told.
Listens:
2827
Who:
Cave Johnson
Butterfingers.
Listens:
2823
Who:
Wheatley
It's been fun. Don't come back.
Listens:
2815
Who:
GLaDOS
Okay. What you're doing there is jumping. You just... you just jumped. But nevermind. Say 'Apple'. 'Aaaapple.'
Listens:
2773
Who:
Wheatley
Reactor explosion in four minutes.
Listens:
2764
Who:
Announcer
Stalemate detected.
Listens:
2762
Who:
Announcer
You two are going to LOVE this big surprise. In fact, you might say that you're both going to love it to death. Love it... until it kills you. Until you're dead.
Listens:
2757
Who:
Wheatley
I'm telling 'em, keep your pants on.
Listens:
2756
Who:
Cave Johnson
Yes sir!
Listens:
2740
Who:
Caroline
Ohhh, the Sun. I'm gonna meet the Sun. Oh no! What'll I say? 'Hi! Hi, Sun!' Oh, boy!
Listens:
2734
Who:
Core 1
Uhhhh... Blam! Blam blam blam! I'm not defective!
Listens:
2733
Who:
Defective Turret
Goodbye, sir.
Listens:
2704
Who:
GLaDOS
Now, if you're part of Control Group Kepler-Seven, we implanted a tiny microchip about the size of a postcard into your skull. Most likely you've forgotten it's even there, but if it starts vibrating and beeping during this next test, let us know, because that means it's about to hit five hundred degrees, so we're gonna need to go ahead and get that out of you pretty fast.
Listens:
2703
Who:
Cave Johnson
Vent system compromised: Neurotoxin offline.
Listens:
2701
Who:
Announcer
Target lost
Listens:
2693
Who:
Turret
They say great science is built on the shoulders of giants. Not here. At Aperture, we do all our science from scratch. No hand holding.
Listens:
2684
Who:
Cave Johnson
Happy Explosion Day, gorgeous.
Listens:
2677
Who:
Core 2
That is a potato battery. It's a toy for children. And now she lives in it.
Listens:
2660
Who:
Wheatley
You can't fire me I quit!
Listens:
2642
Who:
Defective Turret
Allright. Preparing to interface with the neurotoxin central control circuit. Begin: 'Ello, guv! Neurotoxin inspectah! Need to shut this place down for a moment! Here's my credentials. Shut yourself down. I am totally legit. From the board of international neurotoxin... um... observers. From the United... Arab Emirates. Hello.
Listens:
2632
Who:
Wheatley
I have the results of the last chamber: You are a horrible person. That's what it says: A horrible person. We weren't even testing for that.
Listens:
2630
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello.
Listens:
2629
Who:
Turret
[Whispered] For the record: You ARE adopted, and that's TERRIBLE.
Listens:
2615
Who:
GLaDOS
Just go.
Listens:
2604
Who:
GLaDOS
You have trapped yourself. Congratulations. The exit door is now open.
Listens:
2602
Who:
Announcer
Caroline... why do I know this woman? Maybe I killed her? Or-
Listens:
2601
Who:
GLaDOS
Bam! Bam bam bam! Take that, space.
Listens:
2586
Who:
Core 1
Ohhhh, now he's playing classical music.
Listens:
2575
Who:
GLaDOS
I think these test chambers look even better than they did before. It was easy, really. You just have to look at things objectively, see what you don't need anymore, and trim out the fat.
Listens:
2562
Who:
GLaDOS
Initiating surprise in three... two... one.
Listens:
2562
Who:
GLaDOS
Hey, where are we goingNOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Listens:
2562
Who:
Defective Turret
We made it we made it we made it. Space!
Listens:
2547
Who:
Core 1
Also: Look at her, you moron. She's not fat.
Listens:
2536
Who:
GLaDOS
That extra half volt helps but it isn't going to power miracles. If I think too hard, I'm going to fry this potato before we get a chance to burn up in the atomic fireball that little idiot is going- [bzzpt]
Listens:
2526
Who:
GLaDOS
Well, hello, stranger!
Listens:
2515
Who:
Defective Turret
And we would have talked our way out of it. Oh! Except you forgot to tell me you'd murdered her. And that she needed you to live, so the only available vent for her rage would be good old crushable Wheatley. Yeah. Little details I remember. Easy little tidbits you could have used to save me from getting crushed if you'd cared, which you didn't, obviously. And still don't.
Listens:
2512
Who:
Wheatley
In Greek myth, Prometheus stole fire from the Gods and gave it to humankind. The jewelry he kept for himself.
Listens:
2511
Who:
Core 3
We will attempt to comply with these now non-existent agencies by playing some more smooth jazz.
Listens:
2509
Who:
Announcer
These things happen.
Listens:
2503
Who:
Turret
Hey lady. Lady. I'm the best. I'm the best at space.
Listens:
2502
Who:
Core 1
00:00 / 00:00
Test Player
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