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SURPRISE! We're doing it NOW!
Listens:
4039
Who:
Wheatley
Most test subjects do experience some cognitive deterioration after a few months in suspension. Now you've been under for... quite a lot longer, and it's not out of the question that you might have a very minor case of serious brain damage.
Listens:
3990
Who:
Wheatley
Those of you who volunteered to be injected with praying mantis DNA, I've got some good news and some bad news.
Listens:
3988
Who:
Cave Johnson
I'm Cave Johnson. I own the place.
Listens:
3931
Who:
Cave Johnson
Well done. In fact, you did so well, I'm going to note this on your file, in the commendations section. Oh, there's lots of room here. 'Did.... well. ... Enough.'
Listens:
3927
Who:
GLaDOS
You're angry. I know it. 'She’s tested me too hard.' Boo hoo. I don't suppose you ever stopped whining long enough to reflect on your own shortcomings, though, did you?
Listens:
3913
Who:
GLaDOS
Federal Superfund regulations require us to inform you that you must now leave the theater, as measuring the effects of asbestos-lined promotional clothing is not part of today's presentation. Enjoy your free t-shirt. Goodbye.
Listens:
3883
Who:
GLaDOS
Stop it!
Listens:
3806
Who:
GLaDOS
According to most advanced algorithms, the world's best name is Craig.
Listens:
3782
Who:
Core 3
Here it is. Why don't you just do it? Trust me, it's an easier way out than whatever asinine plan your friend came up with.
Listens:
3760
Who:
GLaDOS
Just a heads-up: That coffee we gave you earlier had fluorescent calcium in it so we can track the neuronal activity in your brain. There's a slight chance the calcium could harden and vitrify your frontal lobe. Anyway, don't stress yourself thinking about it. I'm serious. Visualizing the scenario while under stress actually triggers the reaction.
Listens:
3751
Who:
Cave Johnson
Warning! Neurotoxin pressure has reached dangerously unlethal levels.
Listens:
3750
Who:
Announcer
Hello, and again, welcome to the Aperture Science Enrichment Center.
Listens:
3740
Who:
Announcer
The first person to prove that cow's milk is drinkable was very, very thirsty.
Listens:
3736
Who:
Core 3
Yes, I see you, and no, I don't care.
Listens:
3730
Who:
GLaDOS
Here's an interesting fact: you're not breathing real air. It's too expensive to pump this far down. We just take carbon dioxide out of a room, freshen it up a little, and pump it back in. So you'll be breathing the same room full of air for the rest of your life. I thought that was interesting.
Listens:
3720
Who:
GLaDOS
Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-DUN! DUN DUN! Dunna-dunna-na-dunna-na-DUN! DUN DUN! nananaDUNDUNDUN dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun...
Listens:
3716
Who:
Core 2
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
3662
Who:
GLaDOS
I’m on fire ow.
Listens:
3620
Who:
Turret
It's a paradox! There IS no answer.
Listens:
3604
Who:
GLaDOS
Didn't pick up on my sarcasm...
Listens:
3600
Who:
Wheatley
[hums 'For He's A Jolly Good Fellow']
Listens:
3598
Who:
GLaDOS
[fast gibberish]
Listens:
3591
Who:
GLaDOS
Well, what does a neck-bearded old engineer know about fashion? He probably - Oh, wait. It's a she. Still, what does she know? Oh wait, it says she has a medical degree. In fashion! From France!
Listens:
3580
Who:
GLaDOS
I know things look bleak, but that crazy man down there was right. Let's not take these lemons! We are going to march right back upstairs and MAKE him put me back in my body!
Listens:
3555
Who:
GLaDOS
Bam! Bam bam bam! Take that, space.
Listens:
3514
Who:
Core 1
Warning: Core corruption at 75 percent.
Listens:
3509
Who:
Announcer
Ohhhhh, yes. Ohhhh. Well done.
Listens:
3503
Who:
Wheatley
Crushing's too good for him. First he'll spend a year in the incinerator. Year two: Cryogenic refrigeration wing. Then TEN years in the chamber I built where all the robots scream at you. THEN I'll kill him.
Listens:
3467
Who:
GLaDOS
Hooray!
Listens:
3463
Who:
Turret
Thank you!
Listens:
3451
Who:
Turret
Say, you're good at murder. Could you - ow - murder this bird for me?
Listens:
3437
Who:
GLaDOS
Welcome, gentlemen, to Aperture Science. Astronauts, war heroes, Olympians--you're here because we want the best, and you are it. So: Who is ready to make some science?
Listens:
3432
Who:
Cave Johnson
Welcome back to the Computer Intelligence Training and Enrichment Center Human Test Subject Research Center. [laughs]
Listens:
3426
Who:
GLaDOS
Did you guess 'sharks'? Because that's wrong. The correct answer is 'nobody.' Nobody but you is that pointlessly cruel.
Listens:
3407
Who:
GLaDOS
Yeah yeah yeah okay okay.
Listens:
3401
Who:
Core 1
Hellllooo, imbecile.
Listens:
3390
Who:
GLaDOS
Fact: Space does not exist.
Listens:
3386
Who:
Core 3
And another thing! You never caught me. I told you I could die falling off that rail. And you didn't catch me. You didn't even try. Oh, it's all becoming clear to me now. Find some dupe to break you out of cryosleep. Give him a sob story about escaping to the surface. Squeeze him for information on where to find a portal gun.
Listens:
3385
Who:
Wheatley
I, uh... don't have any bullets. Are you gonna give me any bullets? Are the bullets up there?
Listens:
3377
Who:
Defective Turret
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
3340
Who:
GLaDOS
If the Earth is currently governed by a manner of animal-king, sentient cloud, or other governing body that either refuses to or is incapable of listening to reason, th- [RECORDING SHORTS OUT]
Listens:
3331
Who:
Announcer
I thought about our dilemma, and I came up with a solution that I honestly think works out best for one of both of us.
Listens:
3322
Who:
GLaDOS
Could a MORON PUNCH! YOU! INTO! THIS! PIT? Huh? Could a moron do THAT?
Listens:
3320
Who:
Wheatley
'Caw! Caw!' Oh, look! There's a bird out here! A Lovely bird. Gorgeous plumage. Majestic. Won't be here long. A lovely bird like that. Once in a lifetime opportunity to see a lovely bird like that. Lovely plumage.
Listens:
3306
Who:
Wheatley
Neurotoxin level at capacity in five minutes.
Listens:
3295
Who:
Announcer
Enjoy this next test. I'm going to go to the surface. It's a beautiful day out. Yesterday I saw a deer. If you solve this next test, maybe I'll let you ride an elevator all the way up to the break room, and I'll tell you about the time I saw a deer again.
Listens:
3242
Who:
GLaDOS
GET YOUR HANDES OFF ME! NO! STOP! No!
Listens:
3240
Who:
GLaDOS
I am a coiled spring right now. Tension and power. Just... I'm a muscle. Like a big arm muscle, punching through a brick wall, and it's hitting the wall so hard the arm is catching on fire. Oh yeah.
Listens:
3222
Who:
Core 2
Hello?
Listens:
3205
Who:
Turret
Don't like space. Don't like space.
Listens:
3198
Who:
Core 1
QUICK: WHAT'S THE SITUATION? Oh, hello angel. I guess I must have died and gone to heaven. Name's Rick. So, you out having yourself a little adventure?
Listens:
3198
Who:
Core 2
Fine. Let the games begin.
Listens:
3176
Who:
Wheatley
Her name is Caroline.
Listens:
3156
Who:
Turret
Help me, space cops. Space cops, help.
Listens:
3155
Who:
Core 1
But I need to protect the humans!
Listens:
3129
Who:
Turret
We are currently experiencing technical difficulties due to circumstances of potentially apocalyptic significance beyond our control.
Listens:
3119
Who:
Announcer
Powerup initiated.
Listens:
3092
Who:
Announcer
Identify yourself or I will shoot.
Listens:
3062
Who:
Defective Turret
This next test applies the principles of momentum to movement through portals. If the laws of physics no longer apply in the future, God help you.
Listens:
3055
Who:
Announcer
YES YES! IN YOUR FACE! I GOT YO-ah, nope.
Listens:
3051
Who:
Wheatley
Oh, just open the door! [to self] That's too aggressive. [loud again] Hello, friend! Why not open the door?
Listens:
3027
Who:
Wheatley
Reactor explosion in four minutes.
Listens:
3019
Who:
Announcer
Remember before when I was talking about smelly garbage standing around being useless? That was a metaphor. I was actually talking about you. And I'm sorry. You didn't react at the time, so I was worried it sailed right over your head. Which would have made this apology seem insane. That's why I had to call you garbage a second time just now.
Listens:
3011
Who:
GLaDOS
Butterfingers.
Listens:
2969
Who:
Wheatley
Wait. Why DID you trundle over here? You're not HUNGRY, are you? It's hard to see, what's that in your hand? Knowing you it's a deep fryer.
Listens:
2950
Who:
GLaDOS
It's been fun. Don't come back.
Listens:
2942
Who:
GLaDOS
You're not part of the control group, by the way. You get the gel. Last poor son of a gun got blue paint. Hahaha. All joking aside, that did happen - broke every bone in his legs. Tragic. But informative. Or so I'm told.
Listens:
2936
Who:
Cave Johnson
Uhhhh... Blam! Blam blam blam! I'm not defective!
Listens:
2926
Who:
Defective Turret
Stalemate detected.
Listens:
2922
Who:
Announcer
Okay. What you're doing there is jumping. You just... you just jumped. But nevermind. Say 'Apple'. 'Aaaapple.'
Listens:
2888
Who:
Wheatley
Allright. Preparing to interface with the neurotoxin central control circuit. Begin: 'Ello, guv! Neurotoxin inspectah! Need to shut this place down for a moment! Here's my credentials. Shut yourself down. I am totally legit. From the board of international neurotoxin... um... observers. From the United... Arab Emirates. Hello.
Listens:
2885
Who:
Wheatley
Yes sir!
Listens:
2884
Who:
Caroline
I'm telling 'em, keep your pants on.
Listens:
2871
Who:
Cave Johnson
Vent system compromised: Neurotoxin offline.
Listens:
2867
Who:
Announcer
Target lost
Listens:
2859
Who:
Turret
Now, if you're part of Control Group Kepler-Seven, we implanted a tiny microchip about the size of a postcard into your skull. Most likely you've forgotten it's even there, but if it starts vibrating and beeping during this next test, let us know, because that means it's about to hit five hundred degrees, so we're gonna need to go ahead and get that out of you pretty fast.
Listens:
2858
Who:
Cave Johnson
Ohhh, the Sun. I'm gonna meet the Sun. Oh no! What'll I say? 'Hi! Hi, Sun!' Oh, boy!
Listens:
2849
Who:
Core 1
Hello.
Listens:
2844
Who:
Turret
You two are going to LOVE this big surprise. In fact, you might say that you're both going to love it to death. Love it... until it kills you. Until you're dead.
Listens:
2840
Who:
Wheatley
Goodbye, sir.
Listens:
2838
Who:
GLaDOS
You can't fire me I quit!
Listens:
2822
Who:
Defective Turret
They say great science is built on the shoulders of giants. Not here. At Aperture, we do all our science from scratch. No hand holding.
Listens:
2784
Who:
Cave Johnson
[Whispered] For the record: You ARE adopted, and that's TERRIBLE.
Listens:
2769
Who:
GLaDOS
That is a potato battery. It's a toy for children. And now she lives in it.
Listens:
2751
Who:
Wheatley
I have the results of the last chamber: You are a horrible person. That's what it says: A horrible person. We weren't even testing for that.
Listens:
2747
Who:
GLaDOS
Happy Explosion Day, gorgeous.
Listens:
2745
Who:
Core 2
Hey, where are we goingNOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Listens:
2743
Who:
Defective Turret
You have trapped yourself. Congratulations. The exit door is now open.
Listens:
2738
Who:
Announcer
Just go.
Listens:
2718
Who:
GLaDOS
Caroline... why do I know this woman? Maybe I killed her? Or-
Listens:
2706
Who:
GLaDOS
Ohhhh, now he's playing classical music.
Listens:
2705
Who:
GLaDOS
Well, hello, stranger!
Listens:
2696
Who:
Defective Turret
I think these test chambers look even better than they did before. It was easy, really. You just have to look at things objectively, see what you don't need anymore, and trim out the fat.
Listens:
2695
Who:
GLaDOS
Initiating surprise in three... two... one.
Listens:
2685
Who:
GLaDOS
We made it we made it we made it. Space!
Listens:
2677
Who:
Core 1
Also: Look at her, you moron. She's not fat.
Listens:
2669
Who:
GLaDOS
That extra half volt helps but it isn't going to power miracles. If I think too hard, I'm going to fry this potato before we get a chance to burn up in the atomic fireball that little idiot is going- [bzzpt]
Listens:
2660
Who:
GLaDOS
Now it's broken turret's time to shine!
Listens:
2647
Who:
Defective Turret
These things happen.
Listens:
2644
Who:
Turret
00:00 / 00:00
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