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Oh. Play it cool. Play it cool. Here come the space cops.
Listens:
4615
Who:
Core 1
Ahhhhhh. 'FALSE'. I'll go 'false'.
Listens:
4603
Who:
Wheatley
You're angry. I know it. 'She’s tested me too hard.' Boo hoo. I don't suppose you ever stopped whining long enough to reflect on your own shortcomings, though, did you?
Listens:
4585
Who:
GLaDOS
Stop it!
Listens:
4550
Who:
GLaDOS
Most test subjects do experience some cognitive deterioration after a few months in suspension. Now you've been under for... quite a lot longer, and it's not out of the question that you might have a very minor case of serious brain damage.
Listens:
4437
Who:
Wheatley
Those of you who volunteered to be injected with praying mantis DNA, I've got some good news and some bad news.
Listens:
4435
Who:
Cave Johnson
Well done. In fact, you did so well, I'm going to note this on your file, in the commendations section. Oh, there's lots of room here. 'Did.... well. ... Enough.'
Listens:
4395
Who:
GLaDOS
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
4386
Who:
GLaDOS
Federal Superfund regulations require us to inform you that you must now leave the theater, as measuring the effects of asbestos-lined promotional clothing is not part of today's presentation. Enjoy your free t-shirt. Goodbye.
Listens:
4367
Who:
GLaDOS
Yes, I see you, and no, I don't care.
Listens:
4361
Who:
GLaDOS
[hums 'For He's A Jolly Good Fellow']
Listens:
4338
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello, and again, welcome to the Aperture Science Enrichment Center.
Listens:
4334
Who:
Announcer
I'm Cave Johnson. I own the place.
Listens:
4315
Who:
Cave Johnson
I’m on fire ow.
Listens:
4310
Who:
Turret
Warning! Neurotoxin pressure has reached dangerously unlethal levels.
Listens:
4189
Who:
Announcer
Hooray!
Listens:
4157
Who:
Turret
Here's an interesting fact: you're not breathing real air. It's too expensive to pump this far down. We just take carbon dioxide out of a room, freshen it up a little, and pump it back in. So you'll be breathing the same room full of air for the rest of your life. I thought that was interesting.
Listens:
4151
Who:
GLaDOS
Just a heads-up: That coffee we gave you earlier had fluorescent calcium in it so we can track the neuronal activity in your brain. There's a slight chance the calcium could harden and vitrify your frontal lobe. Anyway, don't stress yourself thinking about it. I'm serious. Visualizing the scenario while under stress actually triggers the reaction.
Listens:
4140
Who:
Cave Johnson
According to most advanced algorithms, the world's best name is Craig.
Listens:
4113
Who:
Core 3
Here it is. Why don't you just do it? Trust me, it's an easier way out than whatever asinine plan your friend came up with.
Listens:
4106
Who:
GLaDOS
Didn't pick up on my sarcasm...
Listens:
4066
Who:
Wheatley
It's a paradox! There IS no answer.
Listens:
4050
Who:
GLaDOS
Could a MORON PUNCH! YOU! INTO! THIS! PIT? Huh? Could a moron do THAT?
Listens:
4044
Who:
Wheatley
Warning: Core corruption at 75 percent.
Listens:
4043
Who:
Announcer
Hello?
Listens:
4035
Who:
Turret
Thank you!
Listens:
4026
Who:
Turret
Hellllooo, imbecile.
Listens:
4019
Who:
GLaDOS
The first person to prove that cow's milk is drinkable was very, very thirsty.
Listens:
4007
Who:
Core 3
Well, what does a neck-bearded old engineer know about fashion? He probably - Oh, wait. It's a she. Still, what does she know? Oh wait, it says she has a medical degree. In fashion! From France!
Listens:
3987
Who:
GLaDOS
Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-DUN! DUN DUN! Dunna-dunna-na-dunna-na-DUN! DUN DUN! nananaDUNDUNDUN dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun...
Listens:
3980
Who:
Core 2
I know things look bleak, but that crazy man down there was right. Let's not take these lemons! We are going to march right back upstairs and MAKE him put me back in my body!
Listens:
3931
Who:
GLaDOS
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
3925
Who:
GLaDOS
Say, you're good at murder. Could you - ow - murder this bird for me?
Listens:
3895
Who:
GLaDOS
Ohhhhh, yes. Ohhhh. Well done.
Listens:
3875
Who:
Wheatley
I, uh... don't have any bullets. Are you gonna give me any bullets? Are the bullets up there?
Listens:
3871
Who:
Defective Turret
Welcome back to the Computer Intelligence Training and Enrichment Center Human Test Subject Research Center. [laughs]
Listens:
3847
Who:
GLaDOS
Crushing's too good for him. First he'll spend a year in the incinerator. Year two: Cryogenic refrigeration wing. Then TEN years in the chamber I built where all the robots scream at you. THEN I'll kill him.
Listens:
3847
Who:
GLaDOS
GET YOUR HANDES OFF ME! NO! STOP! No!
Listens:
3833
Who:
GLaDOS
Bam! Bam bam bam! Take that, space.
Listens:
3794
Who:
Core 1
Welcome, gentlemen, to Aperture Science. Astronauts, war heroes, Olympians--you're here because we want the best, and you are it. So: Who is ready to make some science?
Listens:
3779
Who:
Cave Johnson
And another thing! You never caught me. I told you I could die falling off that rail. And you didn't catch me. You didn't even try. Oh, it's all becoming clear to me now. Find some dupe to break you out of cryosleep. Give him a sob story about escaping to the surface. Squeeze him for information on where to find a portal gun.
Listens:
3774
Who:
Wheatley
Neurotoxin level at capacity in five minutes.
Listens:
3771
Who:
Announcer
Did you guess 'sharks'? Because that's wrong. The correct answer is 'nobody.' Nobody but you is that pointlessly cruel.
Listens:
3765
Who:
GLaDOS
Fact: Space does not exist.
Listens:
3759
Who:
Core 3
If the Earth is currently governed by a manner of animal-king, sentient cloud, or other governing body that either refuses to or is incapable of listening to reason, th- [RECORDING SHORTS OUT]
Listens:
3741
Who:
Announcer
'Caw! Caw!' Oh, look! There's a bird out here! A Lovely bird. Gorgeous plumage. Majestic. Won't be here long. A lovely bird like that. Once in a lifetime opportunity to see a lovely bird like that. Lovely plumage.
Listens:
3695
Who:
Wheatley
Her name is Caroline.
Listens:
3676
Who:
Turret
Yeah yeah yeah okay okay.
Listens:
3666
Who:
Core 1
But I need to protect the humans!
Listens:
3643
Who:
Turret
Powerup initiated.
Listens:
3597
Who:
Announcer
Identify yourself or I will shoot.
Listens:
3579
Who:
Defective Turret
I thought about our dilemma, and I came up with a solution that I honestly think works out best for one of both of us.
Listens:
3577
Who:
GLaDOS
Fine. Let the games begin.
Listens:
3565
Who:
Wheatley
YES YES! IN YOUR FACE! I GOT YO-ah, nope.
Listens:
3549
Who:
Wheatley
Reactor explosion in four minutes.
Listens:
3522
Who:
Announcer
We are currently experiencing technical difficulties due to circumstances of potentially apocalyptic significance beyond our control.
Listens:
3512
Who:
Announcer
Enjoy this next test. I'm going to go to the surface. It's a beautiful day out. Yesterday I saw a deer. If you solve this next test, maybe I'll let you ride an elevator all the way up to the break room, and I'll tell you about the time I saw a deer again.
Listens:
3510
Who:
GLaDOS
Help me, space cops. Space cops, help.
Listens:
3503
Who:
Core 1
Don't like space. Don't like space.
Listens:
3496
Who:
Core 1
Hello.
Listens:
3471
Who:
Turret
I am a coiled spring right now. Tension and power. Just... I'm a muscle. Like a big arm muscle, punching through a brick wall, and it's hitting the wall so hard the arm is catching on fire. Oh yeah.
Listens:
3466
Who:
Core 2
QUICK: WHAT'S THE SITUATION? Oh, hello angel. I guess I must have died and gone to heaven. Name's Rick. So, you out having yourself a little adventure?
Listens:
3443
Who:
Core 2
Remember before when I was talking about smelly garbage standing around being useless? That was a metaphor. I was actually talking about you. And I'm sorry. You didn't react at the time, so I was worried it sailed right over your head. Which would have made this apology seem insane. That's why I had to call you garbage a second time just now.
Listens:
3442
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh, just open the door! [to self] That's too aggressive. [loud again] Hello, friend! Why not open the door?
Listens:
3425
Who:
Wheatley
Stalemate detected.
Listens:
3401
Who:
Announcer
Uhhhh... Blam! Blam blam blam! I'm not defective!
Listens:
3388
Who:
Defective Turret
Butterfingers.
Listens:
3387
Who:
Wheatley
This next test applies the principles of momentum to movement through portals. If the laws of physics no longer apply in the future, God help you.
Listens:
3372
Who:
Announcer
Target lost
Listens:
3350
Who:
Turret
Yes sir!
Listens:
3337
Who:
Caroline
It's been fun. Don't come back.
Listens:
3336
Who:
GLaDOS
Wait. Why DID you trundle over here? You're not HUNGRY, are you? It's hard to see, what's that in your hand? Knowing you it's a deep fryer.
Listens:
3293
Who:
GLaDOS
Allright. Preparing to interface with the neurotoxin central control circuit. Begin: 'Ello, guv! Neurotoxin inspectah! Need to shut this place down for a moment! Here's my credentials. Shut yourself down. I am totally legit. From the board of international neurotoxin... um... observers. From the United... Arab Emirates. Hello.
Listens:
3288
Who:
Wheatley
Vent system compromised: Neurotoxin offline.
Listens:
3287
Who:
Announcer
You can't fire me I quit!
Listens:
3272
Who:
Defective Turret
Now, if you're part of Control Group Kepler-Seven, we implanted a tiny microchip about the size of a postcard into your skull. Most likely you've forgotten it's even there, but if it starts vibrating and beeping during this next test, let us know, because that means it's about to hit five hundred degrees, so we're gonna need to go ahead and get that out of you pretty fast.
Listens:
3250
Who:
Cave Johnson
Goodbye, sir.
Listens:
3244
Who:
GLaDOS
Well, hello, stranger!
Listens:
3242
Who:
Defective Turret
Hey, where are we goingNOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Listens:
3240
Who:
Defective Turret
AH!
Listens:
3239
Who:
Wheatley
You're not part of the control group, by the way. You get the gel. Last poor son of a gun got blue paint. Hahaha. All joking aside, that did happen - broke every bone in his legs. Tragic. But informative. Or so I'm told.
Listens:
3235
Who:
Cave Johnson
[Whispered] For the record: You ARE adopted, and that's TERRIBLE.
Listens:
3221
Who:
GLaDOS
Okay. What you're doing there is jumping. You just... you just jumped. But nevermind. Say 'Apple'. 'Aaaapple.'
Listens:
3214
Who:
Wheatley
I'm telling 'em, keep your pants on.
Listens:
3180
Who:
Cave Johnson
That is a potato battery. It's a toy for children. And now she lives in it.
Listens:
3122
Who:
Wheatley
Ohhh, the Sun. I'm gonna meet the Sun. Oh no! What'll I say? 'Hi! Hi, Sun!' Oh, boy!
Listens:
3117
Who:
Core 1
You have trapped yourself. Congratulations. The exit door is now open.
Listens:
3115
Who:
Announcer
You two are going to LOVE this big surprise. In fact, you might say that you're both going to love it to death. Love it... until it kills you. Until you're dead.
Listens:
3093
Who:
Wheatley
Ohhhh, now he's playing classical music.
Listens:
3090
Who:
GLaDOS
Just go.
Listens:
3085
Who:
GLaDOS
I have the results of the last chamber: You are a horrible person. That's what it says: A horrible person. We weren't even testing for that.
Listens:
3077
Who:
GLaDOS
Caroline... why do I know this woman? Maybe I killed her? Or-
Listens:
3075
Who:
GLaDOS
They say great science is built on the shoulders of giants. Not here. At Aperture, we do all our science from scratch. No hand holding.
Listens:
3068
Who:
Cave Johnson
I think these test chambers look even better than they did before. It was easy, really. You just have to look at things objectively, see what you don't need anymore, and trim out the fat.
Listens:
3068
Who:
GLaDOS
Now it's broken turret's time to shine!
Listens:
3068
Who:
Defective Turret
Initiating surprise in three... two... one.
Listens:
3063
Who:
GLaDOS
Also: Look at her, you moron. She's not fat.
Listens:
3062
Who:
GLaDOS
That extra half volt helps but it isn't going to power miracles. If I think too hard, I'm going to fry this potato before we get a chance to burn up in the atomic fireball that little idiot is going- [bzzpt]
Listens:
3057
Who:
GLaDOS
To maintain a constant testing cycle, I simulate daylight at all hours and add adrenal vapor to your oxygen supply. So you may be confused about the passage of time. The point is, yesterday was your birthday. I thought you'd want to know.
Listens:
3050
Who:
GLaDOS
These things happen.
Listens:
3044
Who:
Turret
00:00 / 00:00
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