Please make sure you own these games if you are going to listen to their content!
News: Loading...
Quote:
Who:
Portal 2
Portal 2 DLC
Portal 2 PTI
Portal 2 Music
Portal 1
Portal 1 Music
Team Fortress 2
TF2 Music
Like
+1
Tweet
@Portal2Sounds
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
19
20
21
22
23
24
25
26
27
Popular
Original Order
Random
This site requires that
Javascript be enabled
.
SURPRISE! We're doing it NOW!
Listens:
4095
Who:
Wheatley
Most test subjects do experience some cognitive deterioration after a few months in suspension. Now you've been under for... quite a lot longer, and it's not out of the question that you might have a very minor case of serious brain damage.
Listens:
4030
Who:
Wheatley
Those of you who volunteered to be injected with praying mantis DNA, I've got some good news and some bad news.
Listens:
4028
Who:
Cave Johnson
You're angry. I know it. 'She’s tested me too hard.' Boo hoo. I don't suppose you ever stopped whining long enough to reflect on your own shortcomings, though, did you?
Listens:
3977
Who:
GLaDOS
Well done. In fact, you did so well, I'm going to note this on your file, in the commendations section. Oh, there's lots of room here. 'Did.... well. ... Enough.'
Listens:
3972
Who:
GLaDOS
I'm Cave Johnson. I own the place.
Listens:
3956
Who:
Cave Johnson
Federal Superfund regulations require us to inform you that you must now leave the theater, as measuring the effects of asbestos-lined promotional clothing is not part of today's presentation. Enjoy your free t-shirt. Goodbye.
Listens:
3947
Who:
GLaDOS
Stop it!
Listens:
3881
Who:
GLaDOS
According to most advanced algorithms, the world's best name is Craig.
Listens:
3819
Who:
Core 3
Hello, and again, welcome to the Aperture Science Enrichment Center.
Listens:
3799
Who:
Announcer
Here it is. Why don't you just do it? Trust me, it's an easier way out than whatever asinine plan your friend came up with.
Listens:
3794
Who:
GLaDOS
Warning! Neurotoxin pressure has reached dangerously unlethal levels.
Listens:
3792
Who:
Announcer
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
3785
Who:
GLaDOS
Just a heads-up: That coffee we gave you earlier had fluorescent calcium in it so we can track the neuronal activity in your brain. There's a slight chance the calcium could harden and vitrify your frontal lobe. Anyway, don't stress yourself thinking about it. I'm serious. Visualizing the scenario while under stress actually triggers the reaction.
Listens:
3782
Who:
Cave Johnson
Yes, I see you, and no, I don't care.
Listens:
3782
Who:
GLaDOS
The first person to prove that cow's milk is drinkable was very, very thirsty.
Listens:
3764
Who:
Core 3
Here's an interesting fact: you're not breathing real air. It's too expensive to pump this far down. We just take carbon dioxide out of a room, freshen it up a little, and pump it back in. So you'll be breathing the same room full of air for the rest of your life. I thought that was interesting.
Listens:
3761
Who:
GLaDOS
Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-DUN! DUN DUN! Dunna-dunna-na-dunna-na-DUN! DUN DUN! nananaDUNDUNDUN dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun...
Listens:
3745
Who:
Core 2
[fast gibberish]
Listens:
3719
Who:
GLaDOS
I’m on fire ow.
Listens:
3702
Who:
Turret
It's a paradox! There IS no answer.
Listens:
3665
Who:
GLaDOS
[hums 'For He's A Jolly Good Fellow']
Listens:
3663
Who:
GLaDOS
Didn't pick up on my sarcasm...
Listens:
3640
Who:
Wheatley
Well, what does a neck-bearded old engineer know about fashion? He probably - Oh, wait. It's a she. Still, what does she know? Oh wait, it says she has a medical degree. In fashion! From France!
Listens:
3619
Who:
GLaDOS
I know things look bleak, but that crazy man down there was right. Let's not take these lemons! We are going to march right back upstairs and MAKE him put me back in my body!
Listens:
3591
Who:
GLaDOS
Warning: Core corruption at 75 percent.
Listens:
3576
Who:
Announcer
Bam! Bam bam bam! Take that, space.
Listens:
3546
Who:
Core 1
Hooray!
Listens:
3542
Who:
Turret
Ohhhhh, yes. Ohhhh. Well done.
Listens:
3535
Who:
Wheatley
Crushing's too good for him. First he'll spend a year in the incinerator. Year two: Cryogenic refrigeration wing. Then TEN years in the chamber I built where all the robots scream at you. THEN I'll kill him.
Listens:
3507
Who:
GLaDOS
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
3489
Who:
GLaDOS
Thank you!
Listens:
3489
Who:
Turret
Welcome, gentlemen, to Aperture Science. Astronauts, war heroes, Olympians--you're here because we want the best, and you are it. So: Who is ready to make some science?
Listens:
3486
Who:
Cave Johnson
Say, you're good at murder. Could you - ow - murder this bird for me?
Listens:
3479
Who:
GLaDOS
Welcome back to the Computer Intelligence Training and Enrichment Center Human Test Subject Research Center. [laughs]
Listens:
3468
Who:
GLaDOS
Did you guess 'sharks'? Because that's wrong. The correct answer is 'nobody.' Nobody but you is that pointlessly cruel.
Listens:
3448
Who:
GLaDOS
Hellllooo, imbecile.
Listens:
3444
Who:
GLaDOS
I, uh... don't have any bullets. Are you gonna give me any bullets? Are the bullets up there?
Listens:
3431
Who:
Defective Turret
Yeah yeah yeah okay okay.
Listens:
3430
Who:
Core 1
Fact: Space does not exist.
Listens:
3424
Who:
Core 3
And another thing! You never caught me. I told you I could die falling off that rail. And you didn't catch me. You didn't even try. Oh, it's all becoming clear to me now. Find some dupe to break you out of cryosleep. Give him a sob story about escaping to the surface. Squeeze him for information on where to find a portal gun.
Listens:
3424
Who:
Wheatley
If the Earth is currently governed by a manner of animal-king, sentient cloud, or other governing body that either refuses to or is incapable of listening to reason, th- [RECORDING SHORTS OUT]
Listens:
3373
Who:
Announcer
Could a MORON PUNCH! YOU! INTO! THIS! PIT? Huh? Could a moron do THAT?
Listens:
3367
Who:
Wheatley
I thought about our dilemma, and I came up with a solution that I honestly think works out best for one of both of us.
Listens:
3358
Who:
GLaDOS
Neurotoxin level at capacity in five minutes.
Listens:
3342
Who:
Announcer
'Caw! Caw!' Oh, look! There's a bird out here! A Lovely bird. Gorgeous plumage. Majestic. Won't be here long. A lovely bird like that. Once in a lifetime opportunity to see a lovely bird like that. Lovely plumage.
Listens:
3337
Who:
Wheatley
GET YOUR HANDES OFF ME! NO! STOP! No!
Listens:
3335
Who:
GLaDOS
Enjoy this next test. I'm going to go to the surface. It's a beautiful day out. Yesterday I saw a deer. If you solve this next test, maybe I'll let you ride an elevator all the way up to the break room, and I'll tell you about the time I saw a deer again.
Listens:
3271
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello?
Listens:
3257
Who:
Turret
I am a coiled spring right now. Tension and power. Just... I'm a muscle. Like a big arm muscle, punching through a brick wall, and it's hitting the wall so hard the arm is catching on fire. Oh yeah.
Listens:
3250
Who:
Core 2
Don't like space. Don't like space.
Listens:
3234
Who:
Core 1
QUICK: WHAT'S THE SITUATION? Oh, hello angel. I guess I must have died and gone to heaven. Name's Rick. So, you out having yourself a little adventure?
Listens:
3233
Who:
Core 2
Her name is Caroline.
Listens:
3211
Who:
Turret
Fine. Let the games begin.
Listens:
3210
Who:
Wheatley
Help me, space cops. Space cops, help.
Listens:
3196
Who:
Core 1
We are currently experiencing technical difficulties due to circumstances of potentially apocalyptic significance beyond our control.
Listens:
3171
Who:
Announcer
But I need to protect the humans!
Listens:
3168
Who:
Turret
Powerup initiated.
Listens:
3126
Who:
Announcer
Identify yourself or I will shoot.
Listens:
3112
Who:
Defective Turret
YES YES! IN YOUR FACE! I GOT YO-ah, nope.
Listens:
3097
Who:
Wheatley
Reactor explosion in four minutes.
Listens:
3080
Who:
Announcer
This next test applies the principles of momentum to movement through portals. If the laws of physics no longer apply in the future, God help you.
Listens:
3080
Who:
Announcer
Oh, just open the door! [to self] That's too aggressive. [loud again] Hello, friend! Why not open the door?
Listens:
3076
Who:
Wheatley
Remember before when I was talking about smelly garbage standing around being useless? That was a metaphor. I was actually talking about you. And I'm sorry. You didn't react at the time, so I was worried it sailed right over your head. Which would have made this apology seem insane. That's why I had to call you garbage a second time just now.
Listens:
3062
Who:
GLaDOS
Butterfingers.
Listens:
3011
Who:
Wheatley
Wait. Why DID you trundle over here? You're not HUNGRY, are you? It's hard to see, what's that in your hand? Knowing you it's a deep fryer.
Listens:
2990
Who:
GLaDOS
It's been fun. Don't come back.
Listens:
2982
Who:
GLaDOS
Uhhhh... Blam! Blam blam blam! I'm not defective!
Listens:
2974
Who:
Defective Turret
Stalemate detected.
Listens:
2967
Who:
Announcer
You're not part of the control group, by the way. You get the gel. Last poor son of a gun got blue paint. Hahaha. All joking aside, that did happen - broke every bone in his legs. Tragic. But informative. Or so I'm told.
Listens:
2964
Who:
Cave Johnson
Yes sir!
Listens:
2934
Who:
Caroline
Okay. What you're doing there is jumping. You just... you just jumped. But nevermind. Say 'Apple'. 'Aaaapple.'
Listens:
2921
Who:
Wheatley
Allright. Preparing to interface with the neurotoxin central control circuit. Begin: 'Ello, guv! Neurotoxin inspectah! Need to shut this place down for a moment! Here's my credentials. Shut yourself down. I am totally legit. From the board of international neurotoxin... um... observers. From the United... Arab Emirates. Hello.
Listens:
2920
Who:
Wheatley
Vent system compromised: Neurotoxin offline.
Listens:
2911
Who:
Announcer
Hello.
Listens:
2906
Who:
Turret
I'm telling 'em, keep your pants on.
Listens:
2892
Who:
Cave Johnson
Now, if you're part of Control Group Kepler-Seven, we implanted a tiny microchip about the size of a postcard into your skull. Most likely you've forgotten it's even there, but if it starts vibrating and beeping during this next test, let us know, because that means it's about to hit five hundred degrees, so we're gonna need to go ahead and get that out of you pretty fast.
Listens:
2891
Who:
Cave Johnson
Target lost
Listens:
2889
Who:
Turret
Goodbye, sir.
Listens:
2878
Who:
GLaDOS
Ohhh, the Sun. I'm gonna meet the Sun. Oh no! What'll I say? 'Hi! Hi, Sun!' Oh, boy!
Listens:
2873
Who:
Core 1
You can't fire me I quit!
Listens:
2861
Who:
Defective Turret
You two are going to LOVE this big surprise. In fact, you might say that you're both going to love it to death. Love it... until it kills you. Until you're dead.
Listens:
2857
Who:
Wheatley
[Whispered] For the record: You ARE adopted, and that's TERRIBLE.
Listens:
2836
Who:
GLaDOS
They say great science is built on the shoulders of giants. Not here. At Aperture, we do all our science from scratch. No hand holding.
Listens:
2814
Who:
Cave Johnson
Hey, where are we goingNOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Listens:
2806
Who:
Defective Turret
That is a potato battery. It's a toy for children. And now she lives in it.
Listens:
2794
Who:
Wheatley
I have the results of the last chamber: You are a horrible person. That's what it says: A horrible person. We weren't even testing for that.
Listens:
2782
Who:
GLaDOS
You have trapped yourself. Congratulations. The exit door is now open.
Listens:
2778
Who:
Announcer
Happy Explosion Day, gorgeous.
Listens:
2775
Who:
Core 2
Well, hello, stranger!
Listens:
2774
Who:
Defective Turret
Ohhhh, now he's playing classical music.
Listens:
2772
Who:
GLaDOS
Just go.
Listens:
2758
Who:
GLaDOS
Caroline... why do I know this woman? Maybe I killed her? Or-
Listens:
2746
Who:
GLaDOS
Initiating surprise in three... two... one.
Listens:
2740
Who:
GLaDOS
I think these test chambers look even better than they did before. It was easy, really. You just have to look at things objectively, see what you don't need anymore, and trim out the fat.
Listens:
2726
Who:
GLaDOS
AH!
Listens:
2709
Who:
Wheatley
We made it we made it we made it. Space!
Listens:
2708
Who:
Core 1
That extra half volt helps but it isn't going to power miracles. If I think too hard, I'm going to fry this potato before we get a chance to burn up in the atomic fireball that little idiot is going- [bzzpt]
Listens:
2707
Who:
GLaDOS
Also: Look at her, you moron. She's not fat.
Listens:
2703
Who:
GLaDOS
Now it's broken turret's time to shine!
Listens:
2697
Who:
Defective Turret
00:00 / 00:00
Test Player
Like these quotes? Share them with your friends!
