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I'm Cave Johnson. I own the place.
Listens:
3555
Who:
Cave Johnson
[Laughter]
Listens:
3543
Who:
GLaDOS
Federal Superfund regulations require us to inform you that you must now leave the theater, as measuring the effects of asbestos-lined promotional clothing is not part of today's presentation. Enjoy your free t-shirt. Goodbye.
Listens:
3538
Who:
GLaDOS
Here it is. Why don't you just do it? Trust me, it's an easier way out than whatever asinine plan your friend came up with.
Listens:
3531
Who:
GLaDOS
The first person to prove that cow's milk is drinkable was very, very thirsty.
Listens:
3503
Who:
Core 3
According to most advanced algorithms, the world's best name is Craig.
Listens:
3479
Who:
Core 3
For god's sake, you're BOXES with LEGS! It is literally your only purpose! Walking onto buttons! How can you not do the one thing you were designed for?
Listens:
3466
Who:
Wheatley
Just a heads-up: That coffee we gave you earlier had fluorescent calcium in it so we can track the neuronal activity in your brain. There's a slight chance the calcium could harden and vitrify your frontal lobe. Anyway, don't stress yourself thinking about it. I'm serious. Visualizing the scenario while under stress actually triggers the reaction.
Listens:
3451
Who:
Cave Johnson
Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-DUN! DUN DUN! Dunna-dunna-na-dunna-na-DUN! DUN DUN! nananaDUNDUNDUN dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun...
Listens:
3434
Who:
Core 2
Here's an interesting fact: you're not breathing real air. It's too expensive to pump this far down. We just take carbon dioxide out of a room, freshen it up a little, and pump it back in. So you'll be breathing the same room full of air for the rest of your life. I thought that was interesting.
Listens:
3433
Who:
GLaDOS
Warning! Neurotoxin pressure has reached dangerously unlethal levels.
Listens:
3379
Who:
Announcer
Well, what does a neck-bearded old engineer know about fashion? He probably - Oh, wait. It's a she. Still, what does she know? Oh wait, it says she has a medical degree. In fashion! From France!
Listens:
3343
Who:
GLaDOS
It's a paradox! There IS no answer.
Listens:
3272
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello, and again, welcome to the Aperture Science Enrichment Center.
Listens:
3271
Who:
Announcer
I know things look bleak, but that crazy man down there was right. Let's not take these lemons! We are going to march right back upstairs and MAKE him put me back in my body!
Listens:
3258
Who:
GLaDOS
Didn't pick up on my sarcasm...
Listens:
3257
Who:
Wheatley
Ohhhhh, yes. Ohhhh. Well done.
Listens:
3218
Who:
Wheatley
Crushing's too good for him. First he'll spend a year in the incinerator. Year two: Cryogenic refrigeration wing. Then TEN years in the chamber I built where all the robots scream at you. THEN I'll kill him.
Listens:
3197
Who:
GLaDOS
Stop it!
Listens:
3191
Who:
GLaDOS
Yes, I see you, and no, I don't care.
Listens:
3187
Who:
GLaDOS
Welcome, gentlemen, to Aperture Science. Astronauts, war heroes, Olympians--you're here because we want the best, and you are it. So: Who is ready to make some science?
Listens:
3167
Who:
Cave Johnson
Did you guess 'sharks'? Because that's wrong. The correct answer is 'nobody.' Nobody but you is that pointlessly cruel.
Listens:
3161
Who:
GLaDOS
I thought about our dilemma, and I came up with a solution that I honestly think works out best for one of both of us.
Listens:
3143
Who:
GLaDOS
[hums 'For He's A Jolly Good Fellow']
Listens:
3142
Who:
GLaDOS
And another thing! You never caught me. I told you I could die falling off that rail. And you didn't catch me. You didn't even try. Oh, it's all becoming clear to me now. Find some dupe to break you out of cryosleep. Give him a sob story about escaping to the surface. Squeeze him for information on where to find a portal gun.
Listens:
3141
Who:
Wheatley
Say, you're good at murder. Could you - ow - murder this bird for me?
Listens:
3120
Who:
GLaDOS
Warning: Core corruption at 75 percent.
Listens:
3117
Who:
Announcer
Welcome back to the Computer Intelligence Training and Enrichment Center Human Test Subject Research Center. [laughs]
Listens:
3117
Who:
GLaDOS
Fact: Space does not exist.
Listens:
3103
Who:
Core 3
I’m on fire ow.
Listens:
3101
Who:
Turret
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
3095
Who:
GLaDOS
[fast gibberish]
Listens:
3078
Who:
GLaDOS
I am a coiled spring right now. Tension and power. Just... I'm a muscle. Like a big arm muscle, punching through a brick wall, and it's hitting the wall so hard the arm is catching on fire. Oh yeah.
Listens:
3076
Who:
Core 2
'Caw! Caw!' Oh, look! There's a bird out here! A Lovely bird. Gorgeous plumage. Majestic. Won't be here long. A lovely bird like that. Once in a lifetime opportunity to see a lovely bird like that. Lovely plumage.
Listens:
3013
Who:
Wheatley
QUICK: WHAT'S THE SITUATION? Oh, hello angel. I guess I must have died and gone to heaven. Name's Rick. So, you out having yourself a little adventure?
Listens:
3011
Who:
Core 2
Hooray!
Listens:
3008
Who:
Turret
BURN HIS HOUSE DOWN!
Listens:
3007
Who:
GLaDOS
If the Earth is currently governed by a manner of animal-king, sentient cloud, or other governing body that either refuses to or is incapable of listening to reason, th- [RECORDING SHORTS OUT]
Listens:
3000
Who:
Announcer
Enjoy this next test. I'm going to go to the surface. It's a beautiful day out. Yesterday I saw a deer. If you solve this next test, maybe I'll let you ride an elevator all the way up to the break room, and I'll tell you about the time I saw a deer again.
Listens:
2992
Who:
GLaDOS
Thank you!
Listens:
2987
Who:
Turret
I, uh... don't have any bullets. Are you gonna give me any bullets? Are the bullets up there?
Listens:
2969
Who:
Defective Turret
Could a MORON PUNCH! YOU! INTO! THIS! PIT? Huh? Could a moron do THAT?
Listens:
2956
Who:
Wheatley
Hellllooo, imbecile.
Listens:
2951
Who:
GLaDOS
Neurotoxin level at capacity in five minutes.
Listens:
2940
Who:
Announcer
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
2925
Who:
GLaDOS
Fine. Let the games begin.
Listens:
2900
Who:
Wheatley
Don't like space. Don't like space.
Listens:
2836
Who:
Core 1
Help me, space cops. Space cops, help.
Listens:
2792
Who:
Core 1
This next test applies the principles of momentum to movement through portals. If the laws of physics no longer apply in the future, God help you.
Listens:
2768
Who:
Announcer
Powerup initiated.
Listens:
2756
Who:
Announcer
Her name is Caroline.
Listens:
2750
Who:
Turret
Hello?
Listens:
2748
Who:
Turret
GET YOUR HANDES OFF ME! NO! STOP! No!
Listens:
2742
Who:
GLaDOS
But I need to protect the humans!
Listens:
2742
Who:
Turret
Oh, just open the door! [to self] That's too aggressive. [loud again] Hello, friend! Why not open the door?
Listens:
2735
Who:
Wheatley
We are currently experiencing technical difficulties due to circumstances of potentially apocalyptic significance beyond our control.
Listens:
2718
Who:
Announcer
You're not part of the control group, by the way. You get the gel. Last poor son of a gun got blue paint. Hahaha. All joking aside, that did happen - broke every bone in his legs. Tragic. But informative. Or so I'm told.
Listens:
2707
Who:
Cave Johnson
Wait. Why DID you trundle over here? You're not HUNGRY, are you? It's hard to see, what's that in your hand? Knowing you it's a deep fryer.
Listens:
2705
Who:
GLaDOS
YES YES! IN YOUR FACE! I GOT YO-ah, nope.
Listens:
2695
Who:
Wheatley
Identify yourself or I will shoot.
Listens:
2672
Who:
Defective Turret
Remember before when I was talking about smelly garbage standing around being useless? That was a metaphor. I was actually talking about you. And I'm sorry. You didn't react at the time, so I was worried it sailed right over your head. Which would have made this apology seem insane. That's why I had to call you garbage a second time just now.
Listens:
2659
Who:
GLaDOS
It's been fun. Don't come back.
Listens:
2655
Who:
GLaDOS
You two are going to LOVE this big surprise. In fact, you might say that you're both going to love it to death. Love it... until it kills you. Until you're dead.
Listens:
2648
Who:
Wheatley
Okay. What you're doing there is jumping. You just... you just jumped. But nevermind. Say 'Apple'. 'Aaaapple.'
Listens:
2645
Who:
Wheatley
Butterfingers.
Listens:
2642
Who:
Wheatley
I'm telling 'em, keep your pants on.
Listens:
2610
Who:
Cave Johnson
Happy Explosion Day, gorgeous.
Listens:
2593
Who:
Core 2
Now, if you're part of Control Group Kepler-Seven, we implanted a tiny microchip about the size of a postcard into your skull. Most likely you've forgotten it's even there, but if it starts vibrating and beeping during this next test, let us know, because that means it's about to hit five hundred degrees, so we're gonna need to go ahead and get that out of you pretty fast.
Listens:
2592
Who:
Cave Johnson
They say great science is built on the shoulders of giants. Not here. At Aperture, we do all our science from scratch. No hand holding.
Listens:
2581
Who:
Cave Johnson
Reactor explosion in four minutes.
Listens:
2577
Who:
Announcer
Yes sir!
Listens:
2559
Who:
Caroline
Vent system compromised: Neurotoxin offline.
Listens:
2542
Who:
Announcer
Uhhhh... Blam! Blam blam blam! I'm not defective!
Listens:
2536
Who:
Defective Turret
Ohhh, the Sun. I'm gonna meet the Sun. Oh no! What'll I say? 'Hi! Hi, Sun!' Oh, boy!
Listens:
2534
Who:
Core 1
Stalemate detected.
Listens:
2529
Who:
Announcer
Goodbye, sir.
Listens:
2529
Who:
GLaDOS
That is a potato battery. It's a toy for children. And now she lives in it.
Listens:
2523
Who:
Wheatley
Target lost
Listens:
2510
Who:
Turret
I have the results of the last chamber: You are a horrible person. That's what it says: A horrible person. We weren't even testing for that.
Listens:
2508
Who:
GLaDOS
Allright. Preparing to interface with the neurotoxin central control circuit. Begin: 'Ello, guv! Neurotoxin inspectah! Need to shut this place down for a moment! Here's my credentials. Shut yourself down. I am totally legit. From the board of international neurotoxin... um... observers. From the United... Arab Emirates. Hello.
Listens:
2502
Who:
Wheatley
Caroline... why do I know this woman? Maybe I killed her? Or-
Listens:
2457
Who:
GLaDOS
Just go.
Listens:
2453
Who:
GLaDOS
[Whispered] For the record: You ARE adopted, and that's TERRIBLE.
Listens:
2453
Who:
GLaDOS
You have trapped yourself. Congratulations. The exit door is now open.
Listens:
2438
Who:
Announcer
Ohhhh, now he's playing classical music.
Listens:
2432
Who:
GLaDOS
Bam! Bam bam bam! Take that, space.
Listens:
2421
Who:
Core 1
Initiating surprise in three... two... one.
Listens:
2418
Who:
GLaDOS
I think these test chambers look even better than they did before. It was easy, really. You just have to look at things objectively, see what you don't need anymore, and trim out the fat.
Listens:
2409
Who:
GLaDOS
You can't fire me I quit!
Listens:
2403
Who:
Defective Turret
Also: Look at her, you moron. She's not fat.
Listens:
2399
Who:
GLaDOS
And we would have talked our way out of it. Oh! Except you forgot to tell me you'd murdered her. And that she needed you to live, so the only available vent for her rage would be good old crushable Wheatley. Yeah. Little details I remember. Easy little tidbits you could have used to save me from getting crushed if you'd cared, which you didn't, obviously. And still don't.
Listens:
2398
Who:
Wheatley
In Greek myth, Prometheus stole fire from the Gods and gave it to humankind. The jewelry he kept for himself.
Listens:
2395
Who:
Core 3
That extra half volt helps but it isn't going to power miracles. If I think too hard, I'm going to fry this potato before we get a chance to burn up in the atomic fireball that little idiot is going- [bzzpt]
Listens:
2391
Who:
GLaDOS
We will attempt to comply with these now non-existent agencies by playing some more smooth jazz.
Listens:
2383
Who:
Announcer
Hello.
Listens:
2373
Who:
Turret
These things happen.
Listens:
2362
Who:
Turret
The lab boys just informed me that I should not have mentioned the control group. They're telling me I oughtta stop making these pre-recorded messages. That gave me an idea: make more pre-recorded messages. I pay the bills here, I can talk about the control group all damn day.
Listens:
2353
Who:
Cave Johnson
We made it we made it we made it. Space!
Listens:
2345
Who:
Core 1
So. Welcome to Aperture. You're here because we want the best, and you're it. Nope. Couldn't keep a straight face.
Listens:
2344
Who:
Cave Johnson
Hey lady. Lady. I'm the best. I'm the best at space.
Listens:
2343
Who:
Core 1
00:00 / 00:00
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