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Portal 2
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Portal 1 Music
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The first person to prove that cow's milk is drinkable was very, very thirsty.
Listens:
3355
Who:
Core 3
According to most advanced algorithms, the world's best name is Craig.
Listens:
3340
Who:
Core 3
Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-DUN! DUN DUN! Dunna-dunna-na-dunna-na-DUN! DUN DUN! nananaDUNDUNDUN dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun...
Listens:
3310
Who:
Core 2
Alalalawl
Listens:
3302
Who:
Turret
Here's an interesting fact: you're not breathing real air. It's too expensive to pump this far down. We just take carbon dioxide out of a room, freshen it up a little, and pump it back in. So you'll be breathing the same room full of air for the rest of your life. I thought that was interesting.
Listens:
3291
Who:
GLaDOS
I'm seriously not paying atten-- STOP THAT RIGHT NOW!
Listens:
3283
Who:
GLaDOS
Just a heads-up: That coffee we gave you earlier had fluorescent calcium in it so we can track the neuronal activity in your brain. There's a slight chance the calcium could harden and vitrify your frontal lobe. Anyway, don't stress yourself thinking about it. I'm serious. Visualizing the scenario while under stress actually triggers the reaction.
Listens:
3281
Who:
Cave Johnson
For god's sake, you're BOXES with LEGS! It is literally your only purpose! Walking onto buttons! How can you not do the one thing you were designed for?
Listens:
3261
Who:
Wheatley
All reactor core safeguards are now non-functional. Please prepare for reactor core meltdown.
Listens:
3209
Who:
Announcer
Well, what does a neck-bearded old engineer know about fashion? He probably - Oh, wait. It's a she. Still, what does she know? Oh wait, it says she has a medical degree. In fashion! From France!
Listens:
3195
Who:
GLaDOS
Warning! Neurotoxin pressure has reached dangerously unlethal levels.
Listens:
3182
Who:
Announcer
[Laughter]
Listens:
3177
Who:
GLaDOS
I know things look bleak, but that crazy man down there was right. Let's not take these lemons! We are going to march right back upstairs and MAKE him put me back in my body!
Listens:
3122
Who:
GLaDOS
Didn't pick up on my sarcasm...
Listens:
3072
Who:
Wheatley
Crushing's too good for him. First he'll spend a year in the incinerator. Year two: Cryogenic refrigeration wing. Then TEN years in the chamber I built where all the robots scream at you. THEN I'll kill him.
Listens:
3064
Who:
GLaDOS
It's a paradox! There IS no answer.
Listens:
3062
Who:
GLaDOS
I thought about our dilemma, and I came up with a solution that I honestly think works out best for one of both of us.
Listens:
3045
Who:
GLaDOS
Welcome, gentlemen, to Aperture Science. Astronauts, war heroes, Olympians--you're here because we want the best, and you are it. So: Who is ready to make some science?
Listens:
3031
Who:
Cave Johnson
Did you guess 'sharks'? Because that's wrong. The correct answer is 'nobody.' Nobody but you is that pointlessly cruel.
Listens:
3025
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello, and again, welcome to the Aperture Science Enrichment Center.
Listens:
3023
Who:
Announcer
Ohhhhh, yes. Ohhhh. Well done.
Listens:
3017
Who:
Wheatley
And another thing! You never caught me. I told you I could die falling off that rail. And you didn't catch me. You didn't even try. Oh, it's all becoming clear to me now. Find some dupe to break you out of cryosleep. Give him a sob story about escaping to the surface. Squeeze him for information on where to find a portal gun.
Listens:
3015
Who:
Wheatley
I am a coiled spring right now. Tension and power. Just... I'm a muscle. Like a big arm muscle, punching through a brick wall, and it's hitting the wall so hard the arm is catching on fire. Oh yeah.
Listens:
2996
Who:
Core 2
Yes, I see you, and no, I don't care.
Listens:
2982
Who:
GLaDOS
Say, you're good at murder. Could you - ow - murder this bird for me?
Listens:
2963
Who:
GLaDOS
[hums 'For He's A Jolly Good Fellow']
Listens:
2952
Who:
GLaDOS
Fact: Space does not exist.
Listens:
2934
Who:
Core 3
Welcome back to the Computer Intelligence Training and Enrichment Center Human Test Subject Research Center. [laughs]
Listens:
2915
Who:
GLaDOS
QUICK: WHAT'S THE SITUATION? Oh, hello angel. I guess I must have died and gone to heaven. Name's Rick. So, you out having yourself a little adventure?
Listens:
2901
Who:
Core 2
Stop it!
Listens:
2889
Who:
GLaDOS
Warning: Core corruption at 75 percent.
Listens:
2872
Who:
Announcer
'Caw! Caw!' Oh, look! There's a bird out here! A Lovely bird. Gorgeous plumage. Majestic. Won't be here long. A lovely bird like that. Once in a lifetime opportunity to see a lovely bird like that. Lovely plumage.
Listens:
2855
Who:
Wheatley
Enjoy this next test. I'm going to go to the surface. It's a beautiful day out. Yesterday I saw a deer. If you solve this next test, maybe I'll let you ride an elevator all the way up to the break room, and I'll tell you about the time I saw a deer again.
Listens:
2853
Who:
GLaDOS
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
2836
Who:
GLaDOS
I’m on fire ow.
Listens:
2814
Who:
Turret
If the Earth is currently governed by a manner of animal-king, sentient cloud, or other governing body that either refuses to or is incapable of listening to reason, th- [RECORDING SHORTS OUT]
Listens:
2803
Who:
Announcer
Could a MORON PUNCH! YOU! INTO! THIS! PIT? Huh? Could a moron do THAT?
Listens:
2782
Who:
Wheatley
BURN HIS HOUSE DOWN!
Listens:
2771
Who:
GLaDOS
Thank you!
Listens:
2770
Who:
Turret
I, uh... don't have any bullets. Are you gonna give me any bullets? Are the bullets up there?
Listens:
2744
Who:
Defective Turret
Hellllooo, imbecile.
Listens:
2735
Who:
GLaDOS
Fine. Let the games begin.
Listens:
2726
Who:
Wheatley
Hooray!
Listens:
2711
Who:
Turret
Don't like space. Don't like space.
Listens:
2693
Who:
Core 1
Neurotoxin level at capacity in five minutes.
Listens:
2692
Who:
Announcer
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
2692
Who:
GLaDOS
[fast gibberish]
Listens:
2689
Who:
GLaDOS
Help me, space cops. Space cops, help.
Listens:
2638
Who:
Core 1
This next test applies the principles of momentum to movement through portals. If the laws of physics no longer apply in the future, God help you.
Listens:
2611
Who:
Announcer
Oh, just open the door! [to self] That's too aggressive. [loud again] Hello, friend! Why not open the door?
Listens:
2577
Who:
Wheatley
We are currently experiencing technical difficulties due to circumstances of potentially apocalyptic significance beyond our control.
Listens:
2571
Who:
Announcer
You're not part of the control group, by the way. You get the gel. Last poor son of a gun got blue paint. Hahaha. All joking aside, that did happen - broke every bone in his legs. Tragic. But informative. Or so I'm told.
Listens:
2563
Who:
Cave Johnson
But I need to protect the humans!
Listens:
2556
Who:
Turret
You two are going to LOVE this big surprise. In fact, you might say that you're both going to love it to death. Love it... until it kills you. Until you're dead.
Listens:
2552
Who:
Wheatley
Okay. What you're doing there is jumping. You just... you just jumped. But nevermind. Say 'Apple'. 'Aaaapple.'
Listens:
2548
Who:
Wheatley
Her name is Caroline.
Listens:
2537
Who:
Turret
Wait. Why DID you trundle over here? You're not HUNGRY, are you? It's hard to see, what's that in your hand? Knowing you it's a deep fryer.
Listens:
2527
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello?
Listens:
2526
Who:
Turret
Powerup initiated.
Listens:
2521
Who:
Announcer
Happy Explosion Day, gorgeous.
Listens:
2510
Who:
Core 2
GET YOUR HANDES OFF ME! NO! STOP! No!
Listens:
2500
Who:
GLaDOS
It's been fun. Don't come back.
Listens:
2499
Who:
GLaDOS
Remember before when I was talking about smelly garbage standing around being useless? That was a metaphor. I was actually talking about you. And I'm sorry. You didn't react at the time, so I was worried it sailed right over your head. Which would have made this apology seem insane. That's why I had to call you garbage a second time just now.
Listens:
2495
Who:
GLaDOS
YES YES! IN YOUR FACE! I GOT YO-ah, nope.
Listens:
2471
Who:
Wheatley
They say great science is built on the shoulders of giants. Not here. At Aperture, we do all our science from scratch. No hand holding.
Listens:
2469
Who:
Cave Johnson
Butterfingers.
Listens:
2464
Who:
Wheatley
Identify yourself or I will shoot.
Listens:
2443
Who:
Defective Turret
I'm telling 'em, keep your pants on.
Listens:
2441
Who:
Cave Johnson
Now, if you're part of Control Group Kepler-Seven, we implanted a tiny microchip about the size of a postcard into your skull. Most likely you've forgotten it's even there, but if it starts vibrating and beeping during this next test, let us know, because that means it's about to hit five hundred degrees, so we're gonna need to go ahead and get that out of you pretty fast.
Listens:
2440
Who:
Cave Johnson
Ohhh, the Sun. I'm gonna meet the Sun. Oh no! What'll I say? 'Hi! Hi, Sun!' Oh, boy!
Listens:
2423
Who:
Core 1
Allright. Preparing to interface with the neurotoxin central control circuit. Begin: 'Ello, guv! Neurotoxin inspectah! Need to shut this place down for a moment! Here's my credentials. Shut yourself down. I am totally legit. From the board of international neurotoxin... um... observers. From the United... Arab Emirates. Hello.
Listens:
2411
Who:
Wheatley
Yes sir!
Listens:
2401
Who:
Caroline
That is a potato battery. It's a toy for children. And now she lives in it.
Listens:
2399
Who:
Wheatley
I have the results of the last chamber: You are a horrible person. That's what it says: A horrible person. We weren't even testing for that.
Listens:
2381
Who:
GLaDOS
Goodbye, sir.
Listens:
2367
Who:
GLaDOS
Target lost
Listens:
2340
Who:
Turret
Reactor explosion in four minutes.
Listens:
2330
Who:
Announcer
Stalemate detected.
Listens:
2325
Who:
Announcer
Uhhhh... Blam! Blam blam blam! I'm not defective!
Listens:
2324
Who:
Defective Turret
Caroline... why do I know this woman? Maybe I killed her? Or-
Listens:
2313
Who:
GLaDOS
Vent system compromised: Neurotoxin offline.
Listens:
2308
Who:
Announcer
Just go.
Listens:
2294
Who:
GLaDOS
Bam! Bam bam bam! Take that, space.
Listens:
2291
Who:
Core 1
In Greek myth, Prometheus stole fire from the Gods and gave it to humankind. The jewelry he kept for himself.
Listens:
2287
Who:
Core 3
And we would have talked our way out of it. Oh! Except you forgot to tell me you'd murdered her. And that she needed you to live, so the only available vent for her rage would be good old crushable Wheatley. Yeah. Little details I remember. Easy little tidbits you could have used to save me from getting crushed if you'd cared, which you didn't, obviously. And still don't.
Listens:
2285
Who:
Wheatley
You have trapped yourself. Congratulations. The exit door is now open.
Listens:
2283
Who:
Announcer
[Whispered] For the record: You ARE adopted, and that's TERRIBLE.
Listens:
2281
Who:
GLaDOS
I think these test chambers look even better than they did before. It was easy, really. You just have to look at things objectively, see what you don't need anymore, and trim out the fat.
Listens:
2279
Who:
GLaDOS
Ohhhh, now he's playing classical music.
Listens:
2275
Who:
GLaDOS
Initiating surprise in three... two... one.
Listens:
2263
Who:
GLaDOS
We will attempt to comply with these now non-existent agencies by playing some more smooth jazz.
Listens:
2258
Who:
Announcer
That extra half volt helps but it isn't going to power miracles. If I think too hard, I'm going to fry this potato before we get a chance to burn up in the atomic fireball that little idiot is going- [bzzpt]
Listens:
2254
Who:
GLaDOS
Also: Look at her, you moron. She's not fat.
Listens:
2245
Who:
GLaDOS
Hey lady. Lady. I'm the best. I'm the best at space.
Listens:
2229
Who:
Core 1
These things happen.
Listens:
2223
Who:
Turret
The lab boys just informed me that I should not have mentioned the control group. They're telling me I oughtta stop making these pre-recorded messages. That gave me an idea: make more pre-recorded messages. I pay the bills here, I can talk about the control group all damn day.
Listens:
2221
Who:
Cave Johnson
So. Welcome to Aperture. You're here because we want the best, and you're it. Nope. Couldn't keep a straight face.
Listens:
2215
Who:
Cave Johnson
We're still doing science sir.
Listens:
2212
Who:
Caroline
Oh, that's sad. But impressive. Maybe they worked at the phone company.
Listens:
2211
Who:
GLaDOS
We're a lot alike, you and I. You tested me. I tested you. You killed me. I--oh, no, wait. I guess I HAVEN'T killed you yet. Well. Food for thought.
Listens:
2207
Who:
GLaDOS
00:00 / 00:00
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