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SURPRISE! We're doing it NOW!
Listens:
4258
Who:
Wheatley
[fast gibberish]
Listens:
4163
Who:
GLaDOS
Those of you who volunteered to be injected with praying mantis DNA, I've got some good news and some bad news.
Listens:
4156
Who:
Cave Johnson
You're angry. I know it. 'She’s tested me too hard.' Boo hoo. I don't suppose you ever stopped whining long enough to reflect on your own shortcomings, though, did you?
Listens:
4138
Who:
GLaDOS
Most test subjects do experience some cognitive deterioration after a few months in suspension. Now you've been under for... quite a lot longer, and it's not out of the question that you might have a very minor case of serious brain damage.
Listens:
4137
Who:
Wheatley
Well done. In fact, you did so well, I'm going to note this on your file, in the commendations section. Oh, there's lots of room here. 'Did.... well. ... Enough.'
Listens:
4107
Who:
GLaDOS
Stop it!
Listens:
4099
Who:
GLaDOS
Federal Superfund regulations require us to inform you that you must now leave the theater, as measuring the effects of asbestos-lined promotional clothing is not part of today's presentation. Enjoy your free t-shirt. Goodbye.
Listens:
4093
Who:
GLaDOS
I'm Cave Johnson. I own the place.
Listens:
4076
Who:
Cave Johnson
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
4020
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello, and again, welcome to the Aperture Science Enrichment Center.
Listens:
3979
Who:
Announcer
Yes, I see you, and no, I don't care.
Listens:
3966
Who:
GLaDOS
[hums 'For He's A Jolly Good Fellow']
Listens:
3925
Who:
GLaDOS
Warning! Neurotoxin pressure has reached dangerously unlethal levels.
Listens:
3917
Who:
Announcer
I’m on fire ow.
Listens:
3913
Who:
Turret
According to most advanced algorithms, the world's best name is Craig.
Listens:
3902
Who:
Core 3
Here it is. Why don't you just do it? Trust me, it's an easier way out than whatever asinine plan your friend came up with.
Listens:
3899
Who:
GLaDOS
Just a heads-up: That coffee we gave you earlier had fluorescent calcium in it so we can track the neuronal activity in your brain. There's a slight chance the calcium could harden and vitrify your frontal lobe. Anyway, don't stress yourself thinking about it. I'm serious. Visualizing the scenario while under stress actually triggers the reaction.
Listens:
3896
Who:
Cave Johnson
Here's an interesting fact: you're not breathing real air. It's too expensive to pump this far down. We just take carbon dioxide out of a room, freshen it up a little, and pump it back in. So you'll be breathing the same room full of air for the rest of your life. I thought that was interesting.
Listens:
3881
Who:
GLaDOS
The first person to prove that cow's milk is drinkable was very, very thirsty.
Listens:
3821
Who:
Core 3
Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-DUN! DUN DUN! Dunna-dunna-na-dunna-na-DUN! DUN DUN! nananaDUNDUNDUN dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun...
Listens:
3817
Who:
Core 2
It's a paradox! There IS no answer.
Listens:
3777
Who:
GLaDOS
Didn't pick up on my sarcasm...
Listens:
3745
Who:
Wheatley
Hooray!
Listens:
3740
Who:
Turret
Well, what does a neck-bearded old engineer know about fashion? He probably - Oh, wait. It's a she. Still, what does she know? Oh wait, it says she has a medical degree. In fashion! From France!
Listens:
3738
Who:
GLaDOS
Warning: Core corruption at 75 percent.
Listens:
3718
Who:
Announcer
I know things look bleak, but that crazy man down there was right. Let's not take these lemons! We are going to march right back upstairs and MAKE him put me back in my body!
Listens:
3684
Who:
GLaDOS
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
3675
Who:
GLaDOS
Thank you!
Listens:
3668
Who:
Turret
Hellllooo, imbecile.
Listens:
3632
Who:
GLaDOS
Ohhhhh, yes. Ohhhh. Well done.
Listens:
3629
Who:
Wheatley
Crushing's too good for him. First he'll spend a year in the incinerator. Year two: Cryogenic refrigeration wing. Then TEN years in the chamber I built where all the robots scream at you. THEN I'll kill him.
Listens:
3627
Who:
GLaDOS
Say, you're good at murder. Could you - ow - murder this bird for me?
Listens:
3625
Who:
GLaDOS
Bam! Bam bam bam! Take that, space.
Listens:
3615
Who:
Core 1
Welcome back to the Computer Intelligence Training and Enrichment Center Human Test Subject Research Center. [laughs]
Listens:
3591
Who:
GLaDOS
I, uh... don't have any bullets. Are you gonna give me any bullets? Are the bullets up there?
Listens:
3565
Who:
Defective Turret
Welcome, gentlemen, to Aperture Science. Astronauts, war heroes, Olympians--you're here because we want the best, and you are it. So: Who is ready to make some science?
Listens:
3561
Who:
Cave Johnson
Could a MORON PUNCH! YOU! INTO! THIS! PIT? Huh? Could a moron do THAT?
Listens:
3551
Who:
Wheatley
Did you guess 'sharks'? Because that's wrong. The correct answer is 'nobody.' Nobody but you is that pointlessly cruel.
Listens:
3534
Who:
GLaDOS
And another thing! You never caught me. I told you I could die falling off that rail. And you didn't catch me. You didn't even try. Oh, it's all becoming clear to me now. Find some dupe to break you out of cryosleep. Give him a sob story about escaping to the surface. Squeeze him for information on where to find a portal gun.
Listens:
3525
Who:
Wheatley
GET YOUR HANDES OFF ME! NO! STOP! No!
Listens:
3521
Who:
GLaDOS
Fact: Space does not exist.
Listens:
3509
Who:
Core 3
Yeah yeah yeah okay okay.
Listens:
3493
Who:
Core 1
Neurotoxin level at capacity in five minutes.
Listens:
3488
Who:
Announcer
If the Earth is currently governed by a manner of animal-king, sentient cloud, or other governing body that either refuses to or is incapable of listening to reason, th- [RECORDING SHORTS OUT]
Listens:
3484
Who:
Announcer
Hello?
Listens:
3450
Who:
Turret
'Caw! Caw!' Oh, look! There's a bird out here! A Lovely bird. Gorgeous plumage. Majestic. Won't be here long. A lovely bird like that. Once in a lifetime opportunity to see a lovely bird like that. Lovely plumage.
Listens:
3432
Who:
Wheatley
I thought about our dilemma, and I came up with a solution that I honestly think works out best for one of both of us.
Listens:
3428
Who:
GLaDOS
Her name is Caroline.
Listens:
3361
Who:
Turret
Enjoy this next test. I'm going to go to the surface. It's a beautiful day out. Yesterday I saw a deer. If you solve this next test, maybe I'll let you ride an elevator all the way up to the break room, and I'll tell you about the time I saw a deer again.
Listens:
3348
Who:
GLaDOS
But I need to protect the humans!
Listens:
3325
Who:
Turret
I am a coiled spring right now. Tension and power. Just... I'm a muscle. Like a big arm muscle, punching through a brick wall, and it's hitting the wall so hard the arm is catching on fire. Oh yeah.
Listens:
3320
Who:
Core 2
Fine. Let the games begin.
Listens:
3306
Who:
Wheatley
Don't like space. Don't like space.
Listens:
3303
Who:
Core 1
We are currently experiencing technical difficulties due to circumstances of potentially apocalyptic significance beyond our control.
Listens:
3301
Who:
Announcer
Powerup initiated.
Listens:
3295
Who:
Announcer
Help me, space cops. Space cops, help.
Listens:
3293
Who:
Core 1
QUICK: WHAT'S THE SITUATION? Oh, hello angel. I guess I must have died and gone to heaven. Name's Rick. So, you out having yourself a little adventure?
Listens:
3285
Who:
Core 2
YES YES! IN YOUR FACE! I GOT YO-ah, nope.
Listens:
3258
Who:
Wheatley
Identify yourself or I will shoot.
Listens:
3256
Who:
Defective Turret
Reactor explosion in four minutes.
Listens:
3238
Who:
Announcer
Remember before when I was talking about smelly garbage standing around being useless? That was a metaphor. I was actually talking about you. And I'm sorry. You didn't react at the time, so I was worried it sailed right over your head. Which would have made this apology seem insane. That's why I had to call you garbage a second time just now.
Listens:
3187
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh, just open the door! [to self] That's too aggressive. [loud again] Hello, friend! Why not open the door?
Listens:
3178
Who:
Wheatley
This next test applies the principles of momentum to movement through portals. If the laws of physics no longer apply in the future, God help you.
Listens:
3177
Who:
Announcer
Butterfingers.
Listens:
3132
Who:
Wheatley
Hello.
Listens:
3105
Who:
Turret
It's been fun. Don't come back.
Listens:
3104
Who:
GLaDOS
Uhhhh... Blam! Blam blam blam! I'm not defective!
Listens:
3101
Who:
Defective Turret
Stalemate detected.
Listens:
3100
Who:
Announcer
Wait. Why DID you trundle over here? You're not HUNGRY, are you? It's hard to see, what's that in your hand? Knowing you it's a deep fryer.
Listens:
3092
Who:
GLaDOS
Target lost
Listens:
3057
Who:
Turret
Yes sir!
Listens:
3052
Who:
Caroline
Allright. Preparing to interface with the neurotoxin central control circuit. Begin: 'Ello, guv! Neurotoxin inspectah! Need to shut this place down for a moment! Here's my credentials. Shut yourself down. I am totally legit. From the board of international neurotoxin... um... observers. From the United... Arab Emirates. Hello.
Listens:
3050
Who:
Wheatley
You're not part of the control group, by the way. You get the gel. Last poor son of a gun got blue paint. Hahaha. All joking aside, that did happen - broke every bone in his legs. Tragic. But informative. Or so I'm told.
Listens:
3041
Who:
Cave Johnson
Vent system compromised: Neurotoxin offline.
Listens:
3036
Who:
Announcer
Now, if you're part of Control Group Kepler-Seven, we implanted a tiny microchip about the size of a postcard into your skull. Most likely you've forgotten it's even there, but if it starts vibrating and beeping during this next test, let us know, because that means it's about to hit five hundred degrees, so we're gonna need to go ahead and get that out of you pretty fast.
Listens:
3020
Who:
Cave Johnson
Okay. What you're doing there is jumping. You just... you just jumped. But nevermind. Say 'Apple'. 'Aaaapple.'
Listens:
3003
Who:
Wheatley
You can't fire me I quit!
Listens:
2998
Who:
Defective Turret
I'm telling 'em, keep your pants on.
Listens:
2993
Who:
Cave Johnson
Goodbye, sir.
Listens:
2977
Who:
GLaDOS
Hey, where are we goingNOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Listens:
2963
Who:
Defective Turret
[Whispered] For the record: You ARE adopted, and that's TERRIBLE.
Listens:
2959
Who:
GLaDOS
Ohhh, the Sun. I'm gonna meet the Sun. Oh no! What'll I say? 'Hi! Hi, Sun!' Oh, boy!
Listens:
2936
Who:
Core 1
You two are going to LOVE this big surprise. In fact, you might say that you're both going to love it to death. Love it... until it kills you. Until you're dead.
Listens:
2930
Who:
Wheatley
Well, hello, stranger!
Listens:
2929
Who:
Defective Turret
They say great science is built on the shoulders of giants. Not here. At Aperture, we do all our science from scratch. No hand holding.
Listens:
2888
Who:
Cave Johnson
I have the results of the last chamber: You are a horrible person. That's what it says: A horrible person. We weren't even testing for that.
Listens:
2887
Who:
GLaDOS
You have trapped yourself. Congratulations. The exit door is now open.
Listens:
2875
Who:
Announcer
Ohhhh, now he's playing classical music.
Listens:
2871
Who:
GLaDOS
Caroline... why do I know this woman? Maybe I killed her? Or-
Listens:
2862
Who:
GLaDOS
AH!
Listens:
2858
Who:
Wheatley
That is a potato battery. It's a toy for children. And now she lives in it.
Listens:
2858
Who:
Wheatley
Just go.
Listens:
2851
Who:
GLaDOS
Initiating surprise in three... two... one.
Listens:
2842
Who:
GLaDOS
Happy Explosion Day, gorgeous.
Listens:
2834
Who:
Core 2
I think these test chambers look even better than they did before. It was easy, really. You just have to look at things objectively, see what you don't need anymore, and trim out the fat.
Listens:
2833
Who:
GLaDOS
Also: Look at her, you moron. She's not fat.
Listens:
2831
Who:
GLaDOS
These things happen.
Listens:
2829
Who:
Turret
Now it's broken turret's time to shine!
Listens:
2820
Who:
Defective Turret
That extra half volt helps but it isn't going to power miracles. If I think too hard, I'm going to fry this potato before we get a chance to burn up in the atomic fireball that little idiot is going- [bzzpt]
Listens:
2819
Who:
GLaDOS
00:00 / 00:00
Test Player
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