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Portal 2
Portal 2 DLC
Portal 2 PTI
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Portal 1 Music
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TF2 Music
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It's too big. Too big. Wanna go home. Wanna go to earth.
Listens:
3603
Who:
Core 1
I'm Cave Johnson. I own the place.
Listens:
3600
Who:
Cave Johnson
Federal Superfund regulations require us to inform you that you must now leave the theater, as measuring the effects of asbestos-lined promotional clothing is not part of today's presentation. Enjoy your free t-shirt. Goodbye.
Listens:
3591
Who:
GLaDOS
Here it is. Why don't you just do it? Trust me, it's an easier way out than whatever asinine plan your friend came up with.
Listens:
3556
Who:
GLaDOS
The first person to prove that cow's milk is drinkable was very, very thirsty.
Listens:
3536
Who:
Core 3
According to most advanced algorithms, the world's best name is Craig.
Listens:
3518
Who:
Core 3
For god's sake, you're BOXES with LEGS! It is literally your only purpose! Walking onto buttons! How can you not do the one thing you were designed for?
Listens:
3500
Who:
Wheatley
Just a heads-up: That coffee we gave you earlier had fluorescent calcium in it so we can track the neuronal activity in your brain. There's a slight chance the calcium could harden and vitrify your frontal lobe. Anyway, don't stress yourself thinking about it. I'm serious. Visualizing the scenario while under stress actually triggers the reaction.
Listens:
3484
Who:
Cave Johnson
Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-DUN! DUN DUN! Dunna-dunna-na-dunna-na-DUN! DUN DUN! nananaDUNDUNDUN dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun...
Listens:
3476
Who:
Core 2
Here's an interesting fact: you're not breathing real air. It's too expensive to pump this far down. We just take carbon dioxide out of a room, freshen it up a little, and pump it back in. So you'll be breathing the same room full of air for the rest of your life. I thought that was interesting.
Listens:
3464
Who:
GLaDOS
Warning! Neurotoxin pressure has reached dangerously unlethal levels.
Listens:
3422
Who:
Announcer
Well, what does a neck-bearded old engineer know about fashion? He probably - Oh, wait. It's a she. Still, what does she know? Oh wait, it says she has a medical degree. In fashion! From France!
Listens:
3367
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello, and again, welcome to the Aperture Science Enrichment Center.
Listens:
3326
Who:
Announcer
It's a paradox! There IS no answer.
Listens:
3312
Who:
GLaDOS
Didn't pick up on my sarcasm...
Listens:
3306
Who:
Wheatley
I know things look bleak, but that crazy man down there was right. Let's not take these lemons! We are going to march right back upstairs and MAKE him put me back in my body!
Listens:
3286
Who:
GLaDOS
Yes, I see you, and no, I don't care.
Listens:
3264
Who:
GLaDOS
Ohhhhh, yes. Ohhhh. Well done.
Listens:
3261
Who:
Wheatley
Stop it!
Listens:
3246
Who:
GLaDOS
Crushing's too good for him. First he'll spend a year in the incinerator. Year two: Cryogenic refrigeration wing. Then TEN years in the chamber I built where all the robots scream at you. THEN I'll kill him.
Listens:
3225
Who:
GLaDOS
[hums 'For He's A Jolly Good Fellow']
Listens:
3193
Who:
GLaDOS
Welcome, gentlemen, to Aperture Science. Astronauts, war heroes, Olympians--you're here because we want the best, and you are it. So: Who is ready to make some science?
Listens:
3190
Who:
Cave Johnson
Did you guess 'sharks'? Because that's wrong. The correct answer is 'nobody.' Nobody but you is that pointlessly cruel.
Listens:
3184
Who:
GLaDOS
And another thing! You never caught me. I told you I could die falling off that rail. And you didn't catch me. You didn't even try. Oh, it's all becoming clear to me now. Find some dupe to break you out of cryosleep. Give him a sob story about escaping to the surface. Squeeze him for information on where to find a portal gun.
Listens:
3172
Who:
Wheatley
I’m on fire ow.
Listens:
3169
Who:
Turret
Warning: Core corruption at 75 percent.
Listens:
3164
Who:
Announcer
I thought about our dilemma, and I came up with a solution that I honestly think works out best for one of both of us.
Listens:
3160
Who:
GLaDOS
Welcome back to the Computer Intelligence Training and Enrichment Center Human Test Subject Research Center. [laughs]
Listens:
3158
Who:
GLaDOS
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
3151
Who:
GLaDOS
Say, you're good at murder. Could you - ow - murder this bird for me?
Listens:
3150
Who:
GLaDOS
Fact: Space does not exist.
Listens:
3148
Who:
Core 3
[fast gibberish]
Listens:
3137
Who:
GLaDOS
I am a coiled spring right now. Tension and power. Just... I'm a muscle. Like a big arm muscle, punching through a brick wall, and it's hitting the wall so hard the arm is catching on fire. Oh yeah.
Listens:
3097
Who:
Core 2
Hooray!
Listens:
3073
Who:
Turret
Thank you!
Listens:
3067
Who:
Turret
BURN HIS HOUSE DOWN!
Listens:
3056
Who:
GLaDOS
'Caw! Caw!' Oh, look! There's a bird out here! A Lovely bird. Gorgeous plumage. Majestic. Won't be here long. A lovely bird like that. Once in a lifetime opportunity to see a lovely bird like that. Lovely plumage.
Listens:
3053
Who:
Wheatley
If the Earth is currently governed by a manner of animal-king, sentient cloud, or other governing body that either refuses to or is incapable of listening to reason, th- [RECORDING SHORTS OUT]
Listens:
3049
Who:
Announcer
I, uh... don't have any bullets. Are you gonna give me any bullets? Are the bullets up there?
Listens:
3040
Who:
Defective Turret
QUICK: WHAT'S THE SITUATION? Oh, hello angel. I guess I must have died and gone to heaven. Name's Rick. So, you out having yourself a little adventure?
Listens:
3037
Who:
Core 2
Enjoy this next test. I'm going to go to the surface. It's a beautiful day out. Yesterday I saw a deer. If you solve this next test, maybe I'll let you ride an elevator all the way up to the break room, and I'll tell you about the time I saw a deer again.
Listens:
3023
Who:
GLaDOS
Could a MORON PUNCH! YOU! INTO! THIS! PIT? Huh? Could a moron do THAT?
Listens:
2999
Who:
Wheatley
Hellllooo, imbecile.
Listens:
2992
Who:
GLaDOS
Neurotoxin level at capacity in five minutes.
Listens:
2974
Who:
Announcer
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
2961
Who:
GLaDOS
Fine. Let the games begin.
Listens:
2938
Who:
Wheatley
Don't like space. Don't like space.
Listens:
2867
Who:
Core 1
Help me, space cops. Space cops, help.
Listens:
2824
Who:
Core 1
Hello?
Listens:
2811
Who:
Turret
But I need to protect the humans!
Listens:
2809
Who:
Turret
This next test applies the principles of momentum to movement through portals. If the laws of physics no longer apply in the future, God help you.
Listens:
2807
Who:
Announcer
Powerup initiated.
Listens:
2795
Who:
Announcer
Her name is Caroline.
Listens:
2792
Who:
Turret
GET YOUR HANDES OFF ME! NO! STOP! No!
Listens:
2782
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh, just open the door! [to self] That's too aggressive. [loud again] Hello, friend! Why not open the door?
Listens:
2774
Who:
Wheatley
We are currently experiencing technical difficulties due to circumstances of potentially apocalyptic significance beyond our control.
Listens:
2760
Who:
Announcer
YES YES! IN YOUR FACE! I GOT YO-ah, nope.
Listens:
2760
Who:
Wheatley
You're not part of the control group, by the way. You get the gel. Last poor son of a gun got blue paint. Hahaha. All joking aside, that did happen - broke every bone in his legs. Tragic. But informative. Or so I'm told.
Listens:
2740
Who:
Cave Johnson
Identify yourself or I will shoot.
Listens:
2739
Who:
Defective Turret
Wait. Why DID you trundle over here? You're not HUNGRY, are you? It's hard to see, what's that in your hand? Knowing you it's a deep fryer.
Listens:
2736
Who:
GLaDOS
Remember before when I was talking about smelly garbage standing around being useless? That was a metaphor. I was actually talking about you. And I'm sorry. You didn't react at the time, so I was worried it sailed right over your head. Which would have made this apology seem insane. That's why I had to call you garbage a second time just now.
Listens:
2714
Who:
GLaDOS
It's been fun. Don't come back.
Listens:
2681
Who:
GLaDOS
You two are going to LOVE this big surprise. In fact, you might say that you're both going to love it to death. Love it... until it kills you. Until you're dead.
Listens:
2674
Who:
Wheatley
Butterfingers.
Listens:
2671
Who:
Wheatley
Okay. What you're doing there is jumping. You just... you just jumped. But nevermind. Say 'Apple'. 'Aaaapple.'
Listens:
2663
Who:
Wheatley
I'm telling 'em, keep your pants on.
Listens:
2646
Who:
Cave Johnson
Now, if you're part of Control Group Kepler-Seven, we implanted a tiny microchip about the size of a postcard into your skull. Most likely you've forgotten it's even there, but if it starts vibrating and beeping during this next test, let us know, because that means it's about to hit five hundred degrees, so we're gonna need to go ahead and get that out of you pretty fast.
Listens:
2623
Who:
Cave Johnson
Happy Explosion Day, gorgeous.
Listens:
2618
Who:
Core 2
Reactor explosion in four minutes.
Listens:
2613
Who:
Announcer
They say great science is built on the shoulders of giants. Not here. At Aperture, we do all our science from scratch. No hand holding.
Listens:
2602
Who:
Cave Johnson
Uhhhh... Blam! Blam blam blam! I'm not defective!
Listens:
2596
Who:
Defective Turret
Yes sir!
Listens:
2591
Who:
Caroline
Stalemate detected.
Listens:
2587
Who:
Announcer
Vent system compromised: Neurotoxin offline.
Listens:
2585
Who:
Announcer
Goodbye, sir.
Listens:
2572
Who:
GLaDOS
Ohhh, the Sun. I'm gonna meet the Sun. Oh no! What'll I say? 'Hi! Hi, Sun!' Oh, boy!
Listens:
2564
Who:
Core 1
That is a potato battery. It's a toy for children. And now she lives in it.
Listens:
2563
Who:
Wheatley
Target lost
Listens:
2557
Who:
Turret
Allright. Preparing to interface with the neurotoxin central control circuit. Begin: 'Ello, guv! Neurotoxin inspectah! Need to shut this place down for a moment! Here's my credentials. Shut yourself down. I am totally legit. From the board of international neurotoxin... um... observers. From the United... Arab Emirates. Hello.
Listens:
2534
Who:
Wheatley
I have the results of the last chamber: You are a horrible person. That's what it says: A horrible person. We weren't even testing for that.
Listens:
2518
Who:
GLaDOS
Just go.
Listens:
2493
Who:
GLaDOS
[Whispered] For the record: You ARE adopted, and that's TERRIBLE.
Listens:
2487
Who:
GLaDOS
You have trapped yourself. Congratulations. The exit door is now open.
Listens:
2480
Who:
Announcer
Caroline... why do I know this woman? Maybe I killed her? Or-
Listens:
2479
Who:
GLaDOS
You can't fire me I quit!
Listens:
2461
Who:
Defective Turret
Ohhhh, now he's playing classical music.
Listens:
2458
Who:
GLaDOS
Initiating surprise in three... two... one.
Listens:
2451
Who:
GLaDOS
Bam! Bam bam bam! Take that, space.
Listens:
2446
Who:
Core 1
Hello.
Listens:
2438
Who:
Turret
I think these test chambers look even better than they did before. It was easy, really. You just have to look at things objectively, see what you don't need anymore, and trim out the fat.
Listens:
2430
Who:
GLaDOS
In Greek myth, Prometheus stole fire from the Gods and gave it to humankind. The jewelry he kept for himself.
Listens:
2429
Who:
Core 3
Also: Look at her, you moron. She's not fat.
Listens:
2427
Who:
GLaDOS
That extra half volt helps but it isn't going to power miracles. If I think too hard, I'm going to fry this potato before we get a chance to burn up in the atomic fireball that little idiot is going- [bzzpt]
Listens:
2424
Who:
GLaDOS
And we would have talked our way out of it. Oh! Except you forgot to tell me you'd murdered her. And that she needed you to live, so the only available vent for her rage would be good old crushable Wheatley. Yeah. Little details I remember. Easy little tidbits you could have used to save me from getting crushed if you'd cared, which you didn't, obviously. And still don't.
Listens:
2417
Who:
Wheatley
We will attempt to comply with these now non-existent agencies by playing some more smooth jazz.
Listens:
2408
Who:
Announcer
These things happen.
Listens:
2394
Who:
Turret
We made it we made it we made it. Space!
Listens:
2385
Who:
Core 1
The lab boys just informed me that I should not have mentioned the control group. They're telling me I oughtta stop making these pre-recorded messages. That gave me an idea: make more pre-recorded messages. I pay the bills here, I can talk about the control group all damn day.
Listens:
2384
Who:
Cave Johnson
Hey, where are we goingNOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Listens:
2373
Who:
Defective Turret
So. Welcome to Aperture. You're here because we want the best, and you're it. Nope. Couldn't keep a straight face.
Listens:
2370
Who:
Cave Johnson
00:00 / 00:00
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