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SURPRISE! We're doing it NOW!
Listens:
4151
Who:
Wheatley
Those of you who volunteered to be injected with praying mantis DNA, I've got some good news and some bad news.
Listens:
4085
Who:
Cave Johnson
Most test subjects do experience some cognitive deterioration after a few months in suspension. Now you've been under for... quite a lot longer, and it's not out of the question that you might have a very minor case of serious brain damage.
Listens:
4061
Who:
Wheatley
You're angry. I know it. 'She’s tested me too hard.' Boo hoo. I don't suppose you ever stopped whining long enough to reflect on your own shortcomings, though, did you?
Listens:
4032
Who:
GLaDOS
Well done. In fact, you did so well, I'm going to note this on your file, in the commendations section. Oh, there's lots of room here. 'Did.... well. ... Enough.'
Listens:
4014
Who:
GLaDOS
Federal Superfund regulations require us to inform you that you must now leave the theater, as measuring the effects of asbestos-lined promotional clothing is not part of today's presentation. Enjoy your free t-shirt. Goodbye.
Listens:
3997
Who:
GLaDOS
I'm Cave Johnson. I own the place.
Listens:
3994
Who:
Cave Johnson
Stop it!
Listens:
3979
Who:
GLaDOS
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
3873
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello, and again, welcome to the Aperture Science Enrichment Center.
Listens:
3860
Who:
Announcer
According to most advanced algorithms, the world's best name is Craig.
Listens:
3856
Who:
Core 3
Warning! Neurotoxin pressure has reached dangerously unlethal levels.
Listens:
3840
Who:
Announcer
Yes, I see you, and no, I don't care.
Listens:
3838
Who:
GLaDOS
Here it is. Why don't you just do it? Trust me, it's an easier way out than whatever asinine plan your friend came up with.
Listens:
3837
Who:
GLaDOS
Just a heads-up: That coffee we gave you earlier had fluorescent calcium in it so we can track the neuronal activity in your brain. There's a slight chance the calcium could harden and vitrify your frontal lobe. Anyway, don't stress yourself thinking about it. I'm serious. Visualizing the scenario while under stress actually triggers the reaction.
Listens:
3831
Who:
Cave Johnson
Here's an interesting fact: you're not breathing real air. It's too expensive to pump this far down. We just take carbon dioxide out of a room, freshen it up a little, and pump it back in. So you'll be breathing the same room full of air for the rest of your life. I thought that was interesting.
Listens:
3799
Who:
GLaDOS
[fast gibberish]
Listens:
3796
Who:
GLaDOS
The first person to prove that cow's milk is drinkable was very, very thirsty.
Listens:
3784
Who:
Core 3
I’m on fire ow.
Listens:
3776
Who:
Turret
Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-DUN! DUN DUN! Dunna-dunna-na-dunna-na-DUN! DUN DUN! nananaDUNDUNDUN dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun...
Listens:
3774
Who:
Core 2
[hums 'For He's A Jolly Good Fellow']
Listens:
3740
Who:
GLaDOS
It's a paradox! There IS no answer.
Listens:
3709
Who:
GLaDOS
Didn't pick up on my sarcasm...
Listens:
3672
Who:
Wheatley
Well, what does a neck-bearded old engineer know about fashion? He probably - Oh, wait. It's a she. Still, what does she know? Oh wait, it says she has a medical degree. In fashion! From France!
Listens:
3658
Who:
GLaDOS
Warning: Core corruption at 75 percent.
Listens:
3632
Who:
Announcer
I know things look bleak, but that crazy man down there was right. Let's not take these lemons! We are going to march right back upstairs and MAKE him put me back in my body!
Listens:
3623
Who:
GLaDOS
Hooray!
Listens:
3599
Who:
Turret
Bam! Bam bam bam! Take that, space.
Listens:
3570
Who:
Core 1
Ohhhhh, yes. Ohhhh. Well done.
Listens:
3564
Who:
Wheatley
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
3563
Who:
GLaDOS
Crushing's too good for him. First he'll spend a year in the incinerator. Year two: Cryogenic refrigeration wing. Then TEN years in the chamber I built where all the robots scream at you. THEN I'll kill him.
Listens:
3552
Who:
GLaDOS
Thank you!
Listens:
3535
Who:
Turret
Say, you're good at murder. Could you - ow - murder this bird for me?
Listens:
3531
Who:
GLaDOS
Welcome, gentlemen, to Aperture Science. Astronauts, war heroes, Olympians--you're here because we want the best, and you are it. So: Who is ready to make some science?
Listens:
3517
Who:
Cave Johnson
Hellllooo, imbecile.
Listens:
3514
Who:
GLaDOS
Welcome back to the Computer Intelligence Training and Enrichment Center Human Test Subject Research Center. [laughs]
Listens:
3513
Who:
GLaDOS
Did you guess 'sharks'? Because that's wrong. The correct answer is 'nobody.' Nobody but you is that pointlessly cruel.
Listens:
3487
Who:
GLaDOS
I, uh... don't have any bullets. Are you gonna give me any bullets? Are the bullets up there?
Listens:
3471
Who:
Defective Turret
Fact: Space does not exist.
Listens:
3457
Who:
Core 3
And another thing! You never caught me. I told you I could die falling off that rail. And you didn't catch me. You didn't even try. Oh, it's all becoming clear to me now. Find some dupe to break you out of cryosleep. Give him a sob story about escaping to the surface. Squeeze him for information on where to find a portal gun.
Listens:
3447
Who:
Wheatley
Yeah yeah yeah okay okay.
Listens:
3442
Who:
Core 1
GET YOUR HANDES OFF ME! NO! STOP! No!
Listens:
3414
Who:
GLaDOS
Could a MORON PUNCH! YOU! INTO! THIS! PIT? Huh? Could a moron do THAT?
Listens:
3412
Who:
Wheatley
If the Earth is currently governed by a manner of animal-king, sentient cloud, or other governing body that either refuses to or is incapable of listening to reason, th- [RECORDING SHORTS OUT]
Listens:
3396
Who:
Announcer
Neurotoxin level at capacity in five minutes.
Listens:
3391
Who:
Announcer
I thought about our dilemma, and I came up with a solution that I honestly think works out best for one of both of us.
Listens:
3387
Who:
GLaDOS
'Caw! Caw!' Oh, look! There's a bird out here! A Lovely bird. Gorgeous plumage. Majestic. Won't be here long. A lovely bird like that. Once in a lifetime opportunity to see a lovely bird like that. Lovely plumage.
Listens:
3368
Who:
Wheatley
Hello?
Listens:
3304
Who:
Turret
Enjoy this next test. I'm going to go to the surface. It's a beautiful day out. Yesterday I saw a deer. If you solve this next test, maybe I'll let you ride an elevator all the way up to the break room, and I'll tell you about the time I saw a deer again.
Listens:
3300
Who:
GLaDOS
I am a coiled spring right now. Tension and power. Just... I'm a muscle. Like a big arm muscle, punching through a brick wall, and it's hitting the wall so hard the arm is catching on fire. Oh yeah.
Listens:
3274
Who:
Core 2
Her name is Caroline.
Listens:
3270
Who:
Turret
Don't like space. Don't like space.
Listens:
3262
Who:
Core 1
QUICK: WHAT'S THE SITUATION? Oh, hello angel. I guess I must have died and gone to heaven. Name's Rick. So, you out having yourself a little adventure?
Listens:
3246
Who:
Core 2
Fine. Let the games begin.
Listens:
3243
Who:
Wheatley
Help me, space cops. Space cops, help.
Listens:
3233
Who:
Core 1
But I need to protect the humans!
Listens:
3215
Who:
Turret
We are currently experiencing technical difficulties due to circumstances of potentially apocalyptic significance beyond our control.
Listens:
3208
Who:
Announcer
Powerup initiated.
Listens:
3170
Who:
Announcer
Identify yourself or I will shoot.
Listens:
3153
Who:
Defective Turret
Reactor explosion in four minutes.
Listens:
3142
Who:
Announcer
YES YES! IN YOUR FACE! I GOT YO-ah, nope.
Listens:
3130
Who:
Wheatley
This next test applies the principles of momentum to movement through portals. If the laws of physics no longer apply in the future, God help you.
Listens:
3112
Who:
Announcer
Oh, just open the door! [to self] That's too aggressive. [loud again] Hello, friend! Why not open the door?
Listens:
3103
Who:
Wheatley
Remember before when I was talking about smelly garbage standing around being useless? That was a metaphor. I was actually talking about you. And I'm sorry. You didn't react at the time, so I was worried it sailed right over your head. Which would have made this apology seem insane. That's why I had to call you garbage a second time just now.
Listens:
3100
Who:
GLaDOS
Butterfingers.
Listens:
3053
Who:
Wheatley
Wait. Why DID you trundle over here? You're not HUNGRY, are you? It's hard to see, what's that in your hand? Knowing you it's a deep fryer.
Listens:
3035
Who:
GLaDOS
It's been fun. Don't come back.
Listens:
3018
Who:
GLaDOS
Uhhhh... Blam! Blam blam blam! I'm not defective!
Listens:
3010
Who:
Defective Turret
Stalemate detected.
Listens:
3008
Who:
Announcer
You're not part of the control group, by the way. You get the gel. Last poor son of a gun got blue paint. Hahaha. All joking aside, that did happen - broke every bone in his legs. Tragic. But informative. Or so I'm told.
Listens:
2996
Who:
Cave Johnson
Yes sir!
Listens:
2984
Who:
Caroline
Hello.
Listens:
2962
Who:
Turret
Vent system compromised: Neurotoxin offline.
Listens:
2958
Who:
Announcer
Allright. Preparing to interface with the neurotoxin central control circuit. Begin: 'Ello, guv! Neurotoxin inspectah! Need to shut this place down for a moment! Here's my credentials. Shut yourself down. I am totally legit. From the board of international neurotoxin... um... observers. From the United... Arab Emirates. Hello.
Listens:
2958
Who:
Wheatley
Okay. What you're doing there is jumping. You just... you just jumped. But nevermind. Say 'Apple'. 'Aaaapple.'
Listens:
2950
Who:
Wheatley
Target lost
Listens:
2937
Who:
Turret
Now, if you're part of Control Group Kepler-Seven, we implanted a tiny microchip about the size of a postcard into your skull. Most likely you've forgotten it's even there, but if it starts vibrating and beeping during this next test, let us know, because that means it's about to hit five hundred degrees, so we're gonna need to go ahead and get that out of you pretty fast.
Listens:
2935
Who:
Cave Johnson
I'm telling 'em, keep your pants on.
Listens:
2921
Who:
Cave Johnson
Goodbye, sir.
Listens:
2915
Who:
GLaDOS
You can't fire me I quit!
Listens:
2907
Who:
Defective Turret
Ohhh, the Sun. I'm gonna meet the Sun. Oh no! What'll I say? 'Hi! Hi, Sun!' Oh, boy!
Listens:
2892
Who:
Core 1
You two are going to LOVE this big surprise. In fact, you might say that you're both going to love it to death. Love it... until it kills you. Until you're dead.
Listens:
2891
Who:
Wheatley
[Whispered] For the record: You ARE adopted, and that's TERRIBLE.
Listens:
2878
Who:
GLaDOS
Hey, where are we goingNOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Listens:
2857
Who:
Defective Turret
They say great science is built on the shoulders of giants. Not here. At Aperture, we do all our science from scratch. No hand holding.
Listens:
2847
Who:
Cave Johnson
I have the results of the last chamber: You are a horrible person. That's what it says: A horrible person. We weren't even testing for that.
Listens:
2836
Who:
GLaDOS
Well, hello, stranger!
Listens:
2825
Who:
Defective Turret
That is a potato battery. It's a toy for children. And now she lives in it.
Listens:
2820
Who:
Wheatley
Ohhhh, now he's playing classical music.
Listens:
2806
Who:
GLaDOS
You have trapped yourself. Congratulations. The exit door is now open.
Listens:
2804
Who:
Announcer
Happy Explosion Day, gorgeous.
Listens:
2794
Who:
Core 2
Just go.
Listens:
2788
Who:
GLaDOS
Caroline... why do I know this woman? Maybe I killed her? Or-
Listens:
2784
Who:
GLaDOS
Initiating surprise in three... two... one.
Listens:
2780
Who:
GLaDOS
I think these test chambers look even better than they did before. It was easy, really. You just have to look at things objectively, see what you don't need anymore, and trim out the fat.
Listens:
2767
Who:
GLaDOS
Also: Look at her, you moron. She's not fat.
Listens:
2758
Who:
GLaDOS
AH!
Listens:
2753
Who:
Wheatley
We made it we made it we made it. Space!
Listens:
2749
Who:
Core 1
That extra half volt helps but it isn't going to power miracles. If I think too hard, I'm going to fry this potato before we get a chance to burn up in the atomic fireball that little idiot is going- [bzzpt]
Listens:
2748
Who:
GLaDOS
Now it's broken turret's time to shine!
Listens:
2738
Who:
Defective Turret
00:00 / 00:00
Test Player
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