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TF2 Music
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SURPRISE! We're doing it NOW!
Listens:
4345
Who:
Wheatley
Ahhhhhh. 'FALSE'. I'll go 'false'.
Listens:
4335
Who:
Wheatley
You're angry. I know it. 'She’s tested me too hard.' Boo hoo. I don't suppose you ever stopped whining long enough to reflect on your own shortcomings, though, did you?
Listens:
4275
Who:
GLaDOS
Those of you who volunteered to be injected with praying mantis DNA, I've got some good news and some bad news.
Listens:
4226
Who:
Cave Johnson
Stop it!
Listens:
4218
Who:
GLaDOS
Well done. In fact, you did so well, I'm going to note this on your file, in the commendations section. Oh, there's lots of room here. 'Did.... well. ... Enough.'
Listens:
4215
Who:
GLaDOS
Most test subjects do experience some cognitive deterioration after a few months in suspension. Now you've been under for... quite a lot longer, and it's not out of the question that you might have a very minor case of serious brain damage.
Listens:
4209
Who:
Wheatley
Federal Superfund regulations require us to inform you that you must now leave the theater, as measuring the effects of asbestos-lined promotional clothing is not part of today's presentation. Enjoy your free t-shirt. Goodbye.
Listens:
4179
Who:
GLaDOS
I'm Cave Johnson. I own the place.
Listens:
4150
Who:
Cave Johnson
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
4130
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello, and again, welcome to the Aperture Science Enrichment Center.
Listens:
4069
Who:
Announcer
[hums 'For He's A Jolly Good Fellow']
Listens:
4066
Who:
GLaDOS
Yes, I see you, and no, I don't care.
Listens:
4058
Who:
GLaDOS
I’m on fire ow.
Listens:
4000
Who:
Turret
Warning! Neurotoxin pressure has reached dangerously unlethal levels.
Listens:
3984
Who:
Announcer
Here's an interesting fact: you're not breathing real air. It's too expensive to pump this far down. We just take carbon dioxide out of a room, freshen it up a little, and pump it back in. So you'll be breathing the same room full of air for the rest of your life. I thought that was interesting.
Listens:
3964
Who:
GLaDOS
Here it is. Why don't you just do it? Trust me, it's an easier way out than whatever asinine plan your friend came up with.
Listens:
3960
Who:
GLaDOS
Just a heads-up: That coffee we gave you earlier had fluorescent calcium in it so we can track the neuronal activity in your brain. There's a slight chance the calcium could harden and vitrify your frontal lobe. Anyway, don't stress yourself thinking about it. I'm serious. Visualizing the scenario while under stress actually triggers the reaction.
Listens:
3957
Who:
Cave Johnson
According to most advanced algorithms, the world's best name is Craig.
Listens:
3949
Who:
Core 3
The first person to prove that cow's milk is drinkable was very, very thirsty.
Listens:
3869
Who:
Core 3
Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-DUN! DUN DUN! Dunna-dunna-na-dunna-na-DUN! DUN DUN! nananaDUNDUNDUN dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun...
Listens:
3850
Who:
Core 2
It's a paradox! There IS no answer.
Listens:
3842
Who:
GLaDOS
Hooray!
Listens:
3815
Who:
Turret
Warning: Core corruption at 75 percent.
Listens:
3805
Who:
Announcer
Well, what does a neck-bearded old engineer know about fashion? He probably - Oh, wait. It's a she. Still, what does she know? Oh wait, it says she has a medical degree. In fashion! From France!
Listens:
3804
Who:
GLaDOS
Didn't pick up on my sarcasm...
Listens:
3801
Who:
Wheatley
Thank you!
Listens:
3754
Who:
Turret
I know things look bleak, but that crazy man down there was right. Let's not take these lemons! We are going to march right back upstairs and MAKE him put me back in my body!
Listens:
3751
Who:
GLaDOS
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
3741
Who:
GLaDOS
Hellllooo, imbecile.
Listens:
3730
Who:
GLaDOS
Crushing's too good for him. First he'll spend a year in the incinerator. Year two: Cryogenic refrigeration wing. Then TEN years in the chamber I built where all the robots scream at you. THEN I'll kill him.
Listens:
3695
Who:
GLaDOS
Say, you're good at murder. Could you - ow - murder this bird for me?
Listens:
3692
Who:
GLaDOS
Could a MORON PUNCH! YOU! INTO! THIS! PIT? Huh? Could a moron do THAT?
Listens:
3681
Who:
Wheatley
Ohhhhh, yes. Ohhhh. Well done.
Listens:
3675
Who:
Wheatley
Bam! Bam bam bam! Take that, space.
Listens:
3662
Who:
Core 1
Welcome back to the Computer Intelligence Training and Enrichment Center Human Test Subject Research Center. [laughs]
Listens:
3660
Who:
GLaDOS
I, uh... don't have any bullets. Are you gonna give me any bullets? Are the bullets up there?
Listens:
3636
Who:
Defective Turret
Did you guess 'sharks'? Because that's wrong. The correct answer is 'nobody.' Nobody but you is that pointlessly cruel.
Listens:
3617
Who:
GLaDOS
Welcome, gentlemen, to Aperture Science. Astronauts, war heroes, Olympians--you're here because we want the best, and you are it. So: Who is ready to make some science?
Listens:
3614
Who:
Cave Johnson
GET YOUR HANDES OFF ME! NO! STOP! No!
Listens:
3612
Who:
GLaDOS
And another thing! You never caught me. I told you I could die falling off that rail. And you didn't catch me. You didn't even try. Oh, it's all becoming clear to me now. Find some dupe to break you out of cryosleep. Give him a sob story about escaping to the surface. Squeeze him for information on where to find a portal gun.
Listens:
3577
Who:
Wheatley
Neurotoxin level at capacity in five minutes.
Listens:
3571
Who:
Announcer
If the Earth is currently governed by a manner of animal-king, sentient cloud, or other governing body that either refuses to or is incapable of listening to reason, th- [RECORDING SHORTS OUT]
Listens:
3557
Who:
Announcer
Fact: Space does not exist.
Listens:
3550
Who:
Core 3
Hello?
Listens:
3549
Who:
Turret
Yeah yeah yeah okay okay.
Listens:
3537
Who:
Core 1
'Caw! Caw!' Oh, look! There's a bird out here! A Lovely bird. Gorgeous plumage. Majestic. Won't be here long. A lovely bird like that. Once in a lifetime opportunity to see a lovely bird like that. Lovely plumage.
Listens:
3476
Who:
Wheatley
I thought about our dilemma, and I came up with a solution that I honestly think works out best for one of both of us.
Listens:
3473
Who:
GLaDOS
Her name is Caroline.
Listens:
3445
Who:
Turret
But I need to protect the humans!
Listens:
3397
Who:
Turret
Enjoy this next test. I'm going to go to the surface. It's a beautiful day out. Yesterday I saw a deer. If you solve this next test, maybe I'll let you ride an elevator all the way up to the break room, and I'll tell you about the time I saw a deer again.
Listens:
3386
Who:
GLaDOS
Powerup initiated.
Listens:
3383
Who:
Announcer
Fine. Let the games begin.
Listens:
3361
Who:
Wheatley
I am a coiled spring right now. Tension and power. Just... I'm a muscle. Like a big arm muscle, punching through a brick wall, and it's hitting the wall so hard the arm is catching on fire. Oh yeah.
Listens:
3354
Who:
Core 2
Don't like space. Don't like space.
Listens:
3352
Who:
Core 1
Help me, space cops. Space cops, help.
Listens:
3346
Who:
Core 1
We are currently experiencing technical difficulties due to circumstances of potentially apocalyptic significance beyond our control.
Listens:
3341
Who:
Announcer
Identify yourself or I will shoot.
Listens:
3327
Who:
Defective Turret
YES YES! IN YOUR FACE! I GOT YO-ah, nope.
Listens:
3322
Who:
Wheatley
QUICK: WHAT'S THE SITUATION? Oh, hello angel. I guess I must have died and gone to heaven. Name's Rick. So, you out having yourself a little adventure?
Listens:
3314
Who:
Core 2
Reactor explosion in four minutes.
Listens:
3309
Who:
Announcer
Remember before when I was talking about smelly garbage standing around being useless? That was a metaphor. I was actually talking about you. And I'm sorry. You didn't react at the time, so I was worried it sailed right over your head. Which would have made this apology seem insane. That's why I had to call you garbage a second time just now.
Listens:
3258
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh, just open the door! [to self] That's too aggressive. [loud again] Hello, friend! Why not open the door?
Listens:
3229
Who:
Wheatley
This next test applies the principles of momentum to movement through portals. If the laws of physics no longer apply in the future, God help you.
Listens:
3221
Who:
Announcer
Hello.
Listens:
3206
Who:
Turret
Butterfingers.
Listens:
3176
Who:
Wheatley
It's been fun. Don't come back.
Listens:
3170
Who:
GLaDOS
Stalemate detected.
Listens:
3162
Who:
Announcer
Uhhhh... Blam! Blam blam blam! I'm not defective!
Listens:
3156
Who:
Defective Turret
Wait. Why DID you trundle over here? You're not HUNGRY, are you? It's hard to see, what's that in your hand? Knowing you it's a deep fryer.
Listens:
3145
Who:
GLaDOS
Yes sir!
Listens:
3142
Who:
Caroline
Target lost
Listens:
3120
Who:
Turret
Vent system compromised: Neurotoxin offline.
Listens:
3116
Who:
Announcer
Allright. Preparing to interface with the neurotoxin central control circuit. Begin: 'Ello, guv! Neurotoxin inspectah! Need to shut this place down for a moment! Here's my credentials. Shut yourself down. I am totally legit. From the board of international neurotoxin... um... observers. From the United... Arab Emirates. Hello.
Listens:
3115
Who:
Wheatley
You're not part of the control group, by the way. You get the gel. Last poor son of a gun got blue paint. Hahaha. All joking aside, that did happen - broke every bone in his legs. Tragic. But informative. Or so I'm told.
Listens:
3077
Who:
Cave Johnson
Now, if you're part of Control Group Kepler-Seven, we implanted a tiny microchip about the size of a postcard into your skull. Most likely you've forgotten it's even there, but if it starts vibrating and beeping during this next test, let us know, because that means it's about to hit five hundred degrees, so we're gonna need to go ahead and get that out of you pretty fast.
Listens:
3061
Who:
Cave Johnson
You can't fire me I quit!
Listens:
3056
Who:
Defective Turret
Okay. What you're doing there is jumping. You just... you just jumped. But nevermind. Say 'Apple'. 'Aaaapple.'
Listens:
3048
Who:
Wheatley
Goodbye, sir.
Listens:
3044
Who:
GLaDOS
I'm telling 'em, keep your pants on.
Listens:
3034
Who:
Cave Johnson
[Whispered] For the record: You ARE adopted, and that's TERRIBLE.
Listens:
3034
Who:
GLaDOS
Hey, where are we goingNOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Listens:
3024
Who:
Defective Turret
Well, hello, stranger!
Listens:
3012
Who:
Defective Turret
Ohhh, the Sun. I'm gonna meet the Sun. Oh no! What'll I say? 'Hi! Hi, Sun!' Oh, boy!
Listens:
2991
Who:
Core 1
You two are going to LOVE this big surprise. In fact, you might say that you're both going to love it to death. Love it... until it kills you. Until you're dead.
Listens:
2964
Who:
Wheatley
You have trapped yourself. Congratulations. The exit door is now open.
Listens:
2937
Who:
Announcer
I have the results of the last chamber: You are a horrible person. That's what it says: A horrible person. We weren't even testing for that.
Listens:
2936
Who:
GLaDOS
AH!
Listens:
2928
Who:
Wheatley
They say great science is built on the shoulders of giants. Not here. At Aperture, we do all our science from scratch. No hand holding.
Listens:
2926
Who:
Cave Johnson
Ohhhh, now he's playing classical music.
Listens:
2925
Who:
GLaDOS
That is a potato battery. It's a toy for children. And now she lives in it.
Listens:
2917
Who:
Wheatley
Just go.
Listens:
2916
Who:
GLaDOS
Caroline... why do I know this woman? Maybe I killed her? Or-
Listens:
2913
Who:
GLaDOS
Also: Look at her, you moron. She's not fat.
Listens:
2898
Who:
GLaDOS
Initiating surprise in three... two... one.
Listens:
2895
Who:
GLaDOS
I think these test chambers look even better than they did before. It was easy, really. You just have to look at things objectively, see what you don't need anymore, and trim out the fat.
Listens:
2893
Who:
GLaDOS
That extra half volt helps but it isn't going to power miracles. If I think too hard, I'm going to fry this potato before we get a chance to burn up in the atomic fireball that little idiot is going- [bzzpt]
Listens:
2889
Who:
GLaDOS
Now it's broken turret's time to shine!
Listens:
2881
Who:
Defective Turret
We made it we made it we made it. Space!
Listens:
2877
Who:
Core 1
These things happen.
Listens:
2876
Who:
Turret
00:00 / 00:00
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