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You're angry. I know it. 'She’s tested me too hard.' Boo hoo. I don't suppose you ever stopped whining long enough to reflect on your own shortcomings, though, did you?
Listens:
3703
Who:
GLaDOS
It's too big. Too big. Wanna go home. Wanna go to earth.
Listens:
3690
Who:
Core 1
Federal Superfund regulations require us to inform you that you must now leave the theater, as measuring the effects of asbestos-lined promotional clothing is not part of today's presentation. Enjoy your free t-shirt. Goodbye.
Listens:
3690
Who:
GLaDOS
Here it is. Why don't you just do it? Trust me, it's an easier way out than whatever asinine plan your friend came up with.
Listens:
3626
Who:
GLaDOS
According to most advanced algorithms, the world's best name is Craig.
Listens:
3619
Who:
Core 3
The first person to prove that cow's milk is drinkable was very, very thirsty.
Listens:
3614
Who:
Core 3
For god's sake, you're BOXES with LEGS! It is literally your only purpose! Walking onto buttons! How can you not do the one thing you were designed for?
Listens:
3586
Who:
Wheatley
Just a heads-up: That coffee we gave you earlier had fluorescent calcium in it so we can track the neuronal activity in your brain. There's a slight chance the calcium could harden and vitrify your frontal lobe. Anyway, don't stress yourself thinking about it. I'm serious. Visualizing the scenario while under stress actually triggers the reaction.
Listens:
3555
Who:
Cave Johnson
Here's an interesting fact: you're not breathing real air. It's too expensive to pump this far down. We just take carbon dioxide out of a room, freshen it up a little, and pump it back in. So you'll be breathing the same room full of air for the rest of your life. I thought that was interesting.
Listens:
3540
Who:
GLaDOS
Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-DUN! DUN DUN! Dunna-dunna-na-dunna-na-DUN! DUN DUN! nananaDUNDUNDUN dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun...
Listens:
3538
Who:
Core 2
Warning! Neurotoxin pressure has reached dangerously unlethal levels.
Listens:
3535
Who:
Announcer
Hello, and again, welcome to the Aperture Science Enrichment Center.
Listens:
3446
Who:
Announcer
Yes, I see you, and no, I don't care.
Listens:
3444
Who:
GLaDOS
Stop it!
Listens:
3442
Who:
GLaDOS
Well, what does a neck-bearded old engineer know about fashion? He probably - Oh, wait. It's a she. Still, what does she know? Oh wait, it says she has a medical degree. In fashion! From France!
Listens:
3441
Who:
GLaDOS
It's a paradox! There IS no answer.
Listens:
3405
Who:
GLaDOS
Didn't pick up on my sarcasm...
Listens:
3400
Who:
Wheatley
I know things look bleak, but that crazy man down there was right. Let's not take these lemons! We are going to march right back upstairs and MAKE him put me back in my body!
Listens:
3374
Who:
GLaDOS
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
3365
Who:
GLaDOS
Ohhhhh, yes. Ohhhh. Well done.
Listens:
3346
Who:
Wheatley
I’m on fire ow.
Listens:
3344
Who:
Turret
[fast gibberish]
Listens:
3327
Who:
GLaDOS
[hums 'For He's A Jolly Good Fellow']
Listens:
3315
Who:
GLaDOS
Crushing's too good for him. First he'll spend a year in the incinerator. Year two: Cryogenic refrigeration wing. Then TEN years in the chamber I built where all the robots scream at you. THEN I'll kill him.
Listens:
3306
Who:
GLaDOS
Warning: Core corruption at 75 percent.
Listens:
3272
Who:
Announcer
Did you guess 'sharks'? Because that's wrong. The correct answer is 'nobody.' Nobody but you is that pointlessly cruel.
Listens:
3264
Who:
GLaDOS
Welcome, gentlemen, to Aperture Science. Astronauts, war heroes, Olympians--you're here because we want the best, and you are it. So: Who is ready to make some science?
Listens:
3262
Who:
Cave Johnson
Welcome back to the Computer Intelligence Training and Enrichment Center Human Test Subject Research Center. [laughs]
Listens:
3245
Who:
GLaDOS
And another thing! You never caught me. I told you I could die falling off that rail. And you didn't catch me. You didn't even try. Oh, it's all becoming clear to me now. Find some dupe to break you out of cryosleep. Give him a sob story about escaping to the surface. Squeeze him for information on where to find a portal gun.
Listens:
3240
Who:
Wheatley
I thought about our dilemma, and I came up with a solution that I honestly think works out best for one of both of us.
Listens:
3231
Who:
GLaDOS
Fact: Space does not exist.
Listens:
3229
Who:
Core 3
Say, you're good at murder. Could you - ow - murder this bird for me?
Listens:
3229
Who:
GLaDOS
Thank you!
Listens:
3220
Who:
Turret
BURN HIS HOUSE DOWN!
Listens:
3197
Who:
GLaDOS
Hooray!
Listens:
3176
Who:
Turret
'Caw! Caw!' Oh, look! There's a bird out here! A Lovely bird. Gorgeous plumage. Majestic. Won't be here long. A lovely bird like that. Once in a lifetime opportunity to see a lovely bird like that. Lovely plumage.
Listens:
3148
Who:
Wheatley
I, uh... don't have any bullets. Are you gonna give me any bullets? Are the bullets up there?
Listens:
3143
Who:
Defective Turret
If the Earth is currently governed by a manner of animal-king, sentient cloud, or other governing body that either refuses to or is incapable of listening to reason, th- [RECORDING SHORTS OUT]
Listens:
3141
Who:
Announcer
I am a coiled spring right now. Tension and power. Just... I'm a muscle. Like a big arm muscle, punching through a brick wall, and it's hitting the wall so hard the arm is catching on fire. Oh yeah.
Listens:
3138
Who:
Core 2
Hellllooo, imbecile.
Listens:
3115
Who:
GLaDOS
Could a MORON PUNCH! YOU! INTO! THIS! PIT? Huh? Could a moron do THAT?
Listens:
3111
Who:
Wheatley
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
3106
Who:
GLaDOS
Enjoy this next test. I'm going to go to the surface. It's a beautiful day out. Yesterday I saw a deer. If you solve this next test, maybe I'll let you ride an elevator all the way up to the break room, and I'll tell you about the time I saw a deer again.
Listens:
3098
Who:
GLaDOS
QUICK: WHAT'S THE SITUATION? Oh, hello angel. I guess I must have died and gone to heaven. Name's Rick. So, you out having yourself a little adventure?
Listens:
3089
Who:
Core 2
Neurotoxin level at capacity in five minutes.
Listens:
3076
Who:
Announcer
Fine. Let the games begin.
Listens:
3002
Who:
Wheatley
Don't like space. Don't like space.
Listens:
2940
Who:
Core 1
Hello?
Listens:
2932
Who:
Turret
Her name is Caroline.
Listens:
2923
Who:
Turret
GET YOUR HANDES OFF ME! NO! STOP! No!
Listens:
2921
Who:
GLaDOS
Help me, space cops. Space cops, help.
Listens:
2904
Who:
Core 1
But I need to protect the humans!
Listens:
2902
Who:
Turret
Powerup initiated.
Listens:
2884
Who:
Announcer
This next test applies the principles of momentum to movement through portals. If the laws of physics no longer apply in the future, God help you.
Listens:
2876
Who:
Announcer
Oh, just open the door! [to self] That's too aggressive. [loud again] Hello, friend! Why not open the door?
Listens:
2859
Who:
Wheatley
We are currently experiencing technical difficulties due to circumstances of potentially apocalyptic significance beyond our control.
Listens:
2857
Who:
Announcer
YES YES! IN YOUR FACE! I GOT YO-ah, nope.
Listens:
2856
Who:
Wheatley
Remember before when I was talking about smelly garbage standing around being useless? That was a metaphor. I was actually talking about you. And I'm sorry. You didn't react at the time, so I was worried it sailed right over your head. Which would have made this apology seem insane. That's why I had to call you garbage a second time just now.
Listens:
2837
Who:
GLaDOS
Identify yourself or I will shoot.
Listens:
2836
Who:
Defective Turret
Wait. Why DID you trundle over here? You're not HUNGRY, are you? It's hard to see, what's that in your hand? Knowing you it's a deep fryer.
Listens:
2817
Who:
GLaDOS
You're not part of the control group, by the way. You get the gel. Last poor son of a gun got blue paint. Hahaha. All joking aside, that did happen - broke every bone in his legs. Tragic. But informative. Or so I'm told.
Listens:
2796
Who:
Cave Johnson
Butterfingers.
Listens:
2787
Who:
Wheatley
It's been fun. Don't come back.
Listens:
2771
Who:
GLaDOS
Okay. What you're doing there is jumping. You just... you just jumped. But nevermind. Say 'Apple'. 'Aaaapple.'
Listens:
2739
Who:
Wheatley
You two are going to LOVE this big surprise. In fact, you might say that you're both going to love it to death. Love it... until it kills you. Until you're dead.
Listens:
2727
Who:
Wheatley
Reactor explosion in four minutes.
Listens:
2721
Who:
Announcer
Stalemate detected.
Listens:
2715
Who:
Announcer
I'm telling 'em, keep your pants on.
Listens:
2714
Who:
Cave Johnson
Uhhhh... Blam! Blam blam blam! I'm not defective!
Listens:
2684
Who:
Defective Turret
Yes sir!
Listens:
2680
Who:
Caroline
Now, if you're part of Control Group Kepler-Seven, we implanted a tiny microchip about the size of a postcard into your skull. Most likely you've forgotten it's even there, but if it starts vibrating and beeping during this next test, let us know, because that means it's about to hit five hundred degrees, so we're gonna need to go ahead and get that out of you pretty fast.
Listens:
2668
Who:
Cave Johnson
Goodbye, sir.
Listens:
2667
Who:
GLaDOS
Happy Explosion Day, gorgeous.
Listens:
2665
Who:
Core 2
They say great science is built on the shoulders of giants. Not here. At Aperture, we do all our science from scratch. No hand holding.
Listens:
2663
Who:
Cave Johnson
Vent system compromised: Neurotoxin offline.
Listens:
2662
Who:
Announcer
Target lost
Listens:
2648
Who:
Turret
That is a potato battery. It's a toy for children. And now she lives in it.
Listens:
2634
Who:
Wheatley
Ohhh, the Sun. I'm gonna meet the Sun. Oh no! What'll I say? 'Hi! Hi, Sun!' Oh, boy!
Listens:
2626
Who:
Core 1
Allright. Preparing to interface with the neurotoxin central control circuit. Begin: 'Ello, guv! Neurotoxin inspectah! Need to shut this place down for a moment! Here's my credentials. Shut yourself down. I am totally legit. From the board of international neurotoxin... um... observers. From the United... Arab Emirates. Hello.
Listens:
2604
Who:
Wheatley
I have the results of the last chamber: You are a horrible person. That's what it says: A horrible person. We weren't even testing for that.
Listens:
2578
Who:
GLaDOS
[Whispered] For the record: You ARE adopted, and that's TERRIBLE.
Listens:
2575
Who:
GLaDOS
Just go.
Listens:
2570
Who:
GLaDOS
You can't fire me I quit!
Listens:
2570
Who:
Defective Turret
Caroline... why do I know this woman? Maybe I killed her? Or-
Listens:
2565
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello.
Listens:
2565
Who:
Turret
You have trapped yourself. Congratulations. The exit door is now open.
Listens:
2563
Who:
Announcer
Ohhhh, now he's playing classical music.
Listens:
2548
Who:
GLaDOS
I think these test chambers look even better than they did before. It was easy, really. You just have to look at things objectively, see what you don't need anymore, and trim out the fat.
Listens:
2519
Who:
GLaDOS
Initiating surprise in three... two... one.
Listens:
2518
Who:
GLaDOS
Bam! Bam bam bam! Take that, space.
Listens:
2505
Who:
Core 1
Also: Look at her, you moron. She's not fat.
Listens:
2498
Who:
GLaDOS
That extra half volt helps but it isn't going to power miracles. If I think too hard, I'm going to fry this potato before we get a chance to burn up in the atomic fireball that little idiot is going- [bzzpt]
Listens:
2495
Who:
GLaDOS
In Greek myth, Prometheus stole fire from the Gods and gave it to humankind. The jewelry he kept for himself.
Listens:
2486
Who:
Core 3
And we would have talked our way out of it. Oh! Except you forgot to tell me you'd murdered her. And that she needed you to live, so the only available vent for her rage would be good old crushable Wheatley. Yeah. Little details I remember. Easy little tidbits you could have used to save me from getting crushed if you'd cared, which you didn't, obviously. And still don't.
Listens:
2485
Who:
Wheatley
Hey, where are we goingNOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Listens:
2476
Who:
Defective Turret
We made it we made it we made it. Space!
Listens:
2469
Who:
Core 1
We will attempt to comply with these now non-existent agencies by playing some more smooth jazz.
Listens:
2467
Who:
Announcer
These things happen.
Listens:
2456
Who:
Turret
Well, hello, stranger!
Listens:
2449
Who:
Defective Turret
Now it's broken turret's time to shine!
Listens:
2449
Who:
Defective Turret
00:00 / 00:00
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