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Oh. Play it cool. Play it cool. Here come the space cops.
Listens:
4673
Who:
Core 1
Ahhhhhh. 'FALSE'. I'll go 'false'.
Listens:
4669
Who:
Wheatley
Stop it!
Listens:
4649
Who:
GLaDOS
You're angry. I know it. 'She’s tested me too hard.' Boo hoo. I don't suppose you ever stopped whining long enough to reflect on your own shortcomings, though, did you?
Listens:
4648
Who:
GLaDOS
Most test subjects do experience some cognitive deterioration after a few months in suspension. Now you've been under for... quite a lot longer, and it's not out of the question that you might have a very minor case of serious brain damage.
Listens:
4507
Who:
Wheatley
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
4499
Who:
GLaDOS
Those of you who volunteered to be injected with praying mantis DNA, I've got some good news and some bad news.
Listens:
4475
Who:
Cave Johnson
Yes, I see you, and no, I don't care.
Listens:
4446
Who:
GLaDOS
Well done. In fact, you did so well, I'm going to note this on your file, in the commendations section. Oh, there's lots of room here. 'Did.... well. ... Enough.'
Listens:
4437
Who:
GLaDOS
Federal Superfund regulations require us to inform you that you must now leave the theater, as measuring the effects of asbestos-lined promotional clothing is not part of today's presentation. Enjoy your free t-shirt. Goodbye.
Listens:
4401
Who:
GLaDOS
[hums 'For He's A Jolly Good Fellow']
Listens:
4383
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello, and again, welcome to the Aperture Science Enrichment Center.
Listens:
4382
Who:
Announcer
I’m on fire ow.
Listens:
4380
Who:
Turret
I'm Cave Johnson. I own the place.
Listens:
4356
Who:
Cave Johnson
Hello?
Listens:
4265
Who:
Turret
Warning! Neurotoxin pressure has reached dangerously unlethal levels.
Listens:
4251
Who:
Announcer
Hooray!
Listens:
4234
Who:
Turret
Here's an interesting fact: you're not breathing real air. It's too expensive to pump this far down. We just take carbon dioxide out of a room, freshen it up a little, and pump it back in. So you'll be breathing the same room full of air for the rest of your life. I thought that was interesting.
Listens:
4182
Who:
GLaDOS
Just a heads-up: That coffee we gave you earlier had fluorescent calcium in it so we can track the neuronal activity in your brain. There's a slight chance the calcium could harden and vitrify your frontal lobe. Anyway, don't stress yourself thinking about it. I'm serious. Visualizing the scenario while under stress actually triggers the reaction.
Listens:
4174
Who:
Cave Johnson
Could a MORON PUNCH! YOU! INTO! THIS! PIT? Huh? Could a moron do THAT?
Listens:
4149
Who:
Wheatley
According to most advanced algorithms, the world's best name is Craig.
Listens:
4140
Who:
Core 3
Here it is. Why don't you just do it? Trust me, it's an easier way out than whatever asinine plan your friend came up with.
Listens:
4134
Who:
GLaDOS
Didn't pick up on my sarcasm...
Listens:
4125
Who:
Wheatley
Warning: Core corruption at 75 percent.
Listens:
4111
Who:
Announcer
Thank you!
Listens:
4107
Who:
Turret
It's a paradox! There IS no answer.
Listens:
4094
Who:
GLaDOS
Hellllooo, imbecile.
Listens:
4070
Who:
GLaDOS
The first person to prove that cow's milk is drinkable was very, very thirsty.
Listens:
4044
Who:
Core 3
Well, what does a neck-bearded old engineer know about fashion? He probably - Oh, wait. It's a she. Still, what does she know? Oh wait, it says she has a medical degree. In fashion! From France!
Listens:
4022
Who:
GLaDOS
Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-DUN! DUN DUN! Dunna-dunna-na-dunna-na-DUN! DUN DUN! nananaDUNDUNDUN dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun...
Listens:
4010
Who:
Core 2
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
3983
Who:
GLaDOS
I know things look bleak, but that crazy man down there was right. Let's not take these lemons! We are going to march right back upstairs and MAKE him put me back in my body!
Listens:
3975
Who:
GLaDOS
Say, you're good at murder. Could you - ow - murder this bird for me?
Listens:
3928
Who:
GLaDOS
Ohhhhh, yes. Ohhhh. Well done.
Listens:
3913
Who:
Wheatley
I, uh... don't have any bullets. Are you gonna give me any bullets? Are the bullets up there?
Listens:
3912
Who:
Defective Turret
GET YOUR HANDES OFF ME! NO! STOP! No!
Listens:
3909
Who:
GLaDOS
Crushing's too good for him. First he'll spend a year in the incinerator. Year two: Cryogenic refrigeration wing. Then TEN years in the chamber I built where all the robots scream at you. THEN I'll kill him.
Listens:
3881
Who:
GLaDOS
Welcome back to the Computer Intelligence Training and Enrichment Center Human Test Subject Research Center. [laughs]
Listens:
3877
Who:
GLaDOS
Bam! Bam bam bam! Take that, space.
Listens:
3838
Who:
Core 1
Neurotoxin level at capacity in five minutes.
Listens:
3836
Who:
Announcer
And another thing! You never caught me. I told you I could die falling off that rail. And you didn't catch me. You didn't even try. Oh, it's all becoming clear to me now. Find some dupe to break you out of cryosleep. Give him a sob story about escaping to the surface. Squeeze him for information on where to find a portal gun.
Listens:
3818
Who:
Wheatley
Welcome, gentlemen, to Aperture Science. Astronauts, war heroes, Olympians--you're here because we want the best, and you are it. So: Who is ready to make some science?
Listens:
3809
Who:
Cave Johnson
Fact: Space does not exist.
Listens:
3801
Who:
Core 3
Did you guess 'sharks'? Because that's wrong. The correct answer is 'nobody.' Nobody but you is that pointlessly cruel.
Listens:
3787
Who:
GLaDOS
If the Earth is currently governed by a manner of animal-king, sentient cloud, or other governing body that either refuses to or is incapable of listening to reason, th- [RECORDING SHORTS OUT]
Listens:
3775
Who:
Announcer
'Caw! Caw!' Oh, look! There's a bird out here! A Lovely bird. Gorgeous plumage. Majestic. Won't be here long. A lovely bird like that. Once in a lifetime opportunity to see a lovely bird like that. Lovely plumage.
Listens:
3746
Who:
Wheatley
Her name is Caroline.
Listens:
3729
Who:
Turret
But I need to protect the humans!
Listens:
3720
Who:
Turret
Yeah yeah yeah okay okay.
Listens:
3697
Who:
Core 1
Powerup initiated.
Listens:
3645
Who:
Announcer
Identify yourself or I will shoot.
Listens:
3640
Who:
Defective Turret
Reactor explosion in four minutes.
Listens:
3612
Who:
Announcer
Fine. Let the games begin.
Listens:
3608
Who:
Wheatley
YES YES! IN YOUR FACE! I GOT YO-ah, nope.
Listens:
3599
Who:
Wheatley
I thought about our dilemma, and I came up with a solution that I honestly think works out best for one of both of us.
Listens:
3598
Who:
GLaDOS
Don't like space. Don't like space.
Listens:
3555
Who:
Core 1
Help me, space cops. Space cops, help.
Listens:
3549
Who:
Core 1
Hello.
Listens:
3548
Who:
Turret
We are currently experiencing technical difficulties due to circumstances of potentially apocalyptic significance beyond our control.
Listens:
3545
Who:
Announcer
Enjoy this next test. I'm going to go to the surface. It's a beautiful day out. Yesterday I saw a deer. If you solve this next test, maybe I'll let you ride an elevator all the way up to the break room, and I'll tell you about the time I saw a deer again.
Listens:
3533
Who:
GLaDOS
I am a coiled spring right now. Tension and power. Just... I'm a muscle. Like a big arm muscle, punching through a brick wall, and it's hitting the wall so hard the arm is catching on fire. Oh yeah.
Listens:
3499
Who:
Core 2
Remember before when I was talking about smelly garbage standing around being useless? That was a metaphor. I was actually talking about you. And I'm sorry. You didn't react at the time, so I was worried it sailed right over your head. Which would have made this apology seem insane. That's why I had to call you garbage a second time just now.
Listens:
3482
Who:
GLaDOS
QUICK: WHAT'S THE SITUATION? Oh, hello angel. I guess I must have died and gone to heaven. Name's Rick. So, you out having yourself a little adventure?
Listens:
3481
Who:
Core 2
Oh, just open the door! [to self] That's too aggressive. [loud again] Hello, friend! Why not open the door?
Listens:
3472
Who:
Wheatley
Stalemate detected.
Listens:
3452
Who:
Announcer
Butterfingers.
Listens:
3432
Who:
Wheatley
Uhhhh... Blam! Blam blam blam! I'm not defective!
Listens:
3432
Who:
Defective Turret
Target lost
Listens:
3408
Who:
Turret
This next test applies the principles of momentum to movement through portals. If the laws of physics no longer apply in the future, God help you.
Listens:
3400
Who:
Announcer
Yes sir!
Listens:
3384
Who:
Caroline
It's been fun. Don't come back.
Listens:
3378
Who:
GLaDOS
Vent system compromised: Neurotoxin offline.
Listens:
3335
Who:
Announcer
Allright. Preparing to interface with the neurotoxin central control circuit. Begin: 'Ello, guv! Neurotoxin inspectah! Need to shut this place down for a moment! Here's my credentials. Shut yourself down. I am totally legit. From the board of international neurotoxin... um... observers. From the United... Arab Emirates. Hello.
Listens:
3333
Who:
Wheatley
You can't fire me I quit!
Listens:
3324
Who:
Defective Turret
Wait. Why DID you trundle over here? You're not HUNGRY, are you? It's hard to see, what's that in your hand? Knowing you it's a deep fryer.
Listens:
3322
Who:
GLaDOS
Well, hello, stranger!
Listens:
3316
Who:
Defective Turret
Goodbye, sir.
Listens:
3302
Who:
GLaDOS
AH!
Listens:
3300
Who:
Wheatley
Now, if you're part of Control Group Kepler-Seven, we implanted a tiny microchip about the size of a postcard into your skull. Most likely you've forgotten it's even there, but if it starts vibrating and beeping during this next test, let us know, because that means it's about to hit five hundred degrees, so we're gonna need to go ahead and get that out of you pretty fast.
Listens:
3298
Who:
Cave Johnson
Hey, where are we goingNOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Listens:
3284
Who:
Defective Turret
[Whispered] For the record: You ARE adopted, and that's TERRIBLE.
Listens:
3272
Who:
GLaDOS
You're not part of the control group, by the way. You get the gel. Last poor son of a gun got blue paint. Hahaha. All joking aside, that did happen - broke every bone in his legs. Tragic. But informative. Or so I'm told.
Listens:
3265
Who:
Cave Johnson
Okay. What you're doing there is jumping. You just... you just jumped. But nevermind. Say 'Apple'. 'Aaaapple.'
Listens:
3243
Who:
Wheatley
I'm telling 'em, keep your pants on.
Listens:
3208
Who:
Cave Johnson
Ayeyeyeyeye
Listens:
3162
Who:
Turret
That is a potato battery. It's a toy for children. And now she lives in it.
Listens:
3159
Who:
Wheatley
Ohhh, the Sun. I'm gonna meet the Sun. Oh no! What'll I say? 'Hi! Hi, Sun!' Oh, boy!
Listens:
3148
Who:
Core 1
You have trapped yourself. Congratulations. The exit door is now open.
Listens:
3140
Who:
Announcer
Just go.
Listens:
3136
Who:
GLaDOS
You two are going to LOVE this big surprise. In fact, you might say that you're both going to love it to death. Love it... until it kills you. Until you're dead.
Listens:
3124
Who:
Wheatley
Who ARE you?
Listens:
3120
Who:
Turret
Ohhhh, now he's playing classical music.
Listens:
3118
Who:
GLaDOS
Caroline... why do I know this woman? Maybe I killed her? Or-
Listens:
3113
Who:
GLaDOS
Now it's broken turret's time to shine!
Listens:
3106
Who:
Defective Turret
Also: Look at her, you moron. She's not fat.
Listens:
3105
Who:
GLaDOS
I have the results of the last chamber: You are a horrible person. That's what it says: A horrible person. We weren't even testing for that.
Listens:
3104
Who:
GLaDOS
That extra half volt helps but it isn't going to power miracles. If I think too hard, I'm going to fry this potato before we get a chance to burn up in the atomic fireball that little idiot is going- [bzzpt]
Listens:
3099
Who:
GLaDOS
They say great science is built on the shoulders of giants. Not here. At Aperture, we do all our science from scratch. No hand holding.
Listens:
3096
Who:
Cave Johnson
I think these test chambers look even better than they did before. It was easy, really. You just have to look at things objectively, see what you don't need anymore, and trim out the fat.
Listens:
3094
Who:
GLaDOS
These things happen.
Listens:
3093
Who:
Turret
00:00 / 00:00
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