Please make sure you own these games if you are going to listen to their content!
News: Loading...
Quote:
Who:
Portal 2
Portal 2 DLC
Portal 2 PTI
Portal 2 Music
Portal 1
Portal 1 Music
Team Fortress 2
TF2 Music
Like
+1
Tweet
@Portal2Sounds
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
19
20
21
22
23
24
25
26
27
Popular
Original Order
Random
This site requires that
Javascript be enabled
.
Ahhhhhh. 'FALSE'. I'll go 'false'.
Listens:
4210
Who:
Wheatley
Those of you who volunteered to be injected with praying mantis DNA, I've got some good news and some bad news.
Listens:
4119
Who:
Cave Johnson
Most test subjects do experience some cognitive deterioration after a few months in suspension. Now you've been under for... quite a lot longer, and it's not out of the question that you might have a very minor case of serious brain damage.
Listens:
4111
Who:
Wheatley
You're angry. I know it. 'She’s tested me too hard.' Boo hoo. I don't suppose you ever stopped whining long enough to reflect on your own shortcomings, though, did you?
Listens:
4098
Who:
GLaDOS
Well done. In fact, you did so well, I'm going to note this on your file, in the commendations section. Oh, there's lots of room here. 'Did.... well. ... Enough.'
Listens:
4079
Who:
GLaDOS
Federal Superfund regulations require us to inform you that you must now leave the theater, as measuring the effects of asbestos-lined promotional clothing is not part of today's presentation. Enjoy your free t-shirt. Goodbye.
Listens:
4048
Who:
GLaDOS
Stop it!
Listens:
4041
Who:
GLaDOS
I'm Cave Johnson. I own the place.
Listens:
4035
Who:
Cave Johnson
[fast gibberish]
Listens:
4022
Who:
GLaDOS
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
3962
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello, and again, welcome to the Aperture Science Enrichment Center.
Listens:
3926
Who:
Announcer
Yes, I see you, and no, I don't care.
Listens:
3909
Who:
GLaDOS
According to most advanced algorithms, the world's best name is Craig.
Listens:
3886
Who:
Core 3
Warning! Neurotoxin pressure has reached dangerously unlethal levels.
Listens:
3885
Who:
Announcer
Here it is. Why don't you just do it? Trust me, it's an easier way out than whatever asinine plan your friend came up with.
Listens:
3873
Who:
GLaDOS
Just a heads-up: That coffee we gave you earlier had fluorescent calcium in it so we can track the neuronal activity in your brain. There's a slight chance the calcium could harden and vitrify your frontal lobe. Anyway, don't stress yourself thinking about it. I'm serious. Visualizing the scenario while under stress actually triggers the reaction.
Listens:
3865
Who:
Cave Johnson
Here's an interesting fact: you're not breathing real air. It's too expensive to pump this far down. We just take carbon dioxide out of a room, freshen it up a little, and pump it back in. So you'll be breathing the same room full of air for the rest of your life. I thought that was interesting.
Listens:
3851
Who:
GLaDOS
I’m on fire ow.
Listens:
3849
Who:
Turret
The first person to prove that cow's milk is drinkable was very, very thirsty.
Listens:
3807
Who:
Core 3
Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-DUN! DUN DUN! Dunna-dunna-na-dunna-na-DUN! DUN DUN! nananaDUNDUNDUN dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun...
Listens:
3793
Who:
Core 2
[hums 'For He's A Jolly Good Fellow']
Listens:
3786
Who:
GLaDOS
It's a paradox! There IS no answer.
Listens:
3741
Who:
GLaDOS
Didn't pick up on my sarcasm...
Listens:
3717
Who:
Wheatley
Well, what does a neck-bearded old engineer know about fashion? He probably - Oh, wait. It's a she. Still, what does she know? Oh wait, it says she has a medical degree. In fashion! From France!
Listens:
3702
Who:
GLaDOS
Warning: Core corruption at 75 percent.
Listens:
3682
Who:
Announcer
Hooray!
Listens:
3681
Who:
Turret
I know things look bleak, but that crazy man down there was right. Let's not take these lemons! We are going to march right back upstairs and MAKE him put me back in my body!
Listens:
3655
Who:
GLaDOS
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
3624
Who:
GLaDOS
Thank you!
Listens:
3616
Who:
Turret
Ohhhhh, yes. Ohhhh. Well done.
Listens:
3603
Who:
Wheatley
Crushing's too good for him. First he'll spend a year in the incinerator. Year two: Cryogenic refrigeration wing. Then TEN years in the chamber I built where all the robots scream at you. THEN I'll kill him.
Listens:
3596
Who:
GLaDOS
Bam! Bam bam bam! Take that, space.
Listens:
3587
Who:
Core 1
Hellllooo, imbecile.
Listens:
3580
Who:
GLaDOS
Say, you're good at murder. Could you - ow - murder this bird for me?
Listens:
3576
Who:
GLaDOS
Welcome back to the Computer Intelligence Training and Enrichment Center Human Test Subject Research Center. [laughs]
Listens:
3563
Who:
GLaDOS
Welcome, gentlemen, to Aperture Science. Astronauts, war heroes, Olympians--you're here because we want the best, and you are it. So: Who is ready to make some science?
Listens:
3540
Who:
Cave Johnson
I, uh... don't have any bullets. Are you gonna give me any bullets? Are the bullets up there?
Listens:
3528
Who:
Defective Turret
Did you guess 'sharks'? Because that's wrong. The correct answer is 'nobody.' Nobody but you is that pointlessly cruel.
Listens:
3517
Who:
GLaDOS
And another thing! You never caught me. I told you I could die falling off that rail. And you didn't catch me. You didn't even try. Oh, it's all becoming clear to me now. Find some dupe to break you out of cryosleep. Give him a sob story about escaping to the surface. Squeeze him for information on where to find a portal gun.
Listens:
3496
Who:
Wheatley
Fact: Space does not exist.
Listens:
3487
Who:
Core 3
GET YOUR HANDES OFF ME! NO! STOP! No!
Listens:
3485
Who:
GLaDOS
Could a MORON PUNCH! YOU! INTO! THIS! PIT? Huh? Could a moron do THAT?
Listens:
3467
Who:
Wheatley
Yeah yeah yeah okay okay.
Listens:
3466
Who:
Core 1
If the Earth is currently governed by a manner of animal-king, sentient cloud, or other governing body that either refuses to or is incapable of listening to reason, th- [RECORDING SHORTS OUT]
Listens:
3450
Who:
Announcer
Neurotoxin level at capacity in five minutes.
Listens:
3438
Who:
Announcer
I thought about our dilemma, and I came up with a solution that I honestly think works out best for one of both of us.
Listens:
3416
Who:
GLaDOS
'Caw! Caw!' Oh, look! There's a bird out here! A Lovely bird. Gorgeous plumage. Majestic. Won't be here long. A lovely bird like that. Once in a lifetime opportunity to see a lovely bird like that. Lovely plumage.
Listens:
3400
Who:
Wheatley
Hello?
Listens:
3387
Who:
Turret
Enjoy this next test. I'm going to go to the surface. It's a beautiful day out. Yesterday I saw a deer. If you solve this next test, maybe I'll let you ride an elevator all the way up to the break room, and I'll tell you about the time I saw a deer again.
Listens:
3328
Who:
GLaDOS
Her name is Caroline.
Listens:
3316
Who:
Turret
I am a coiled spring right now. Tension and power. Just... I'm a muscle. Like a big arm muscle, punching through a brick wall, and it's hitting the wall so hard the arm is catching on fire. Oh yeah.
Listens:
3307
Who:
Core 2
Fine. Let the games begin.
Listens:
3284
Who:
Wheatley
Don't like space. Don't like space.
Listens:
3281
Who:
Core 1
QUICK: WHAT'S THE SITUATION? Oh, hello angel. I guess I must have died and gone to heaven. Name's Rick. So, you out having yourself a little adventure?
Listens:
3274
Who:
Core 2
But I need to protect the humans!
Listens:
3269
Who:
Turret
Help me, space cops. Space cops, help.
Listens:
3262
Who:
Core 1
We are currently experiencing technical difficulties due to circumstances of potentially apocalyptic significance beyond our control.
Listens:
3257
Who:
Announcer
Powerup initiated.
Listens:
3250
Who:
Announcer
Identify yourself or I will shoot.
Listens:
3203
Who:
Defective Turret
Reactor explosion in four minutes.
Listens:
3191
Who:
Announcer
YES YES! IN YOUR FACE! I GOT YO-ah, nope.
Listens:
3181
Who:
Wheatley
Remember before when I was talking about smelly garbage standing around being useless? That was a metaphor. I was actually talking about you. And I'm sorry. You didn't react at the time, so I was worried it sailed right over your head. Which would have made this apology seem insane. That's why I had to call you garbage a second time just now.
Listens:
3163
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh, just open the door! [to self] That's too aggressive. [loud again] Hello, friend! Why not open the door?
Listens:
3159
Who:
Wheatley
This next test applies the principles of momentum to movement through portals. If the laws of physics no longer apply in the future, God help you.
Listens:
3155
Who:
Announcer
Butterfingers.
Listens:
3095
Who:
Wheatley
Wait. Why DID you trundle over here? You're not HUNGRY, are you? It's hard to see, what's that in your hand? Knowing you it's a deep fryer.
Listens:
3069
Who:
GLaDOS
It's been fun. Don't come back.
Listens:
3065
Who:
GLaDOS
Uhhhh... Blam! Blam blam blam! I'm not defective!
Listens:
3057
Who:
Defective Turret
Stalemate detected.
Listens:
3054
Who:
Announcer
Hello.
Listens:
3043
Who:
Turret
Yes sir!
Listens:
3022
Who:
Caroline
You're not part of the control group, by the way. You get the gel. Last poor son of a gun got blue paint. Hahaha. All joking aside, that did happen - broke every bone in his legs. Tragic. But informative. Or so I'm told.
Listens:
3018
Who:
Cave Johnson
Allright. Preparing to interface with the neurotoxin central control circuit. Begin: 'Ello, guv! Neurotoxin inspectah! Need to shut this place down for a moment! Here's my credentials. Shut yourself down. I am totally legit. From the board of international neurotoxin... um... observers. From the United... Arab Emirates. Hello.
Listens:
3004
Who:
Wheatley
Target lost
Listens:
3004
Who:
Turret
Vent system compromised: Neurotoxin offline.
Listens:
3000
Who:
Announcer
Now, if you're part of Control Group Kepler-Seven, we implanted a tiny microchip about the size of a postcard into your skull. Most likely you've forgotten it's even there, but if it starts vibrating and beeping during this next test, let us know, because that means it's about to hit five hundred degrees, so we're gonna need to go ahead and get that out of you pretty fast.
Listens:
2988
Who:
Cave Johnson
Okay. What you're doing there is jumping. You just... you just jumped. But nevermind. Say 'Apple'. 'Aaaapple.'
Listens:
2980
Who:
Wheatley
I'm telling 'em, keep your pants on.
Listens:
2961
Who:
Cave Johnson
You can't fire me I quit!
Listens:
2957
Who:
Defective Turret
Goodbye, sir.
Listens:
2949
Who:
GLaDOS
[Whispered] For the record: You ARE adopted, and that's TERRIBLE.
Listens:
2928
Who:
GLaDOS
You two are going to LOVE this big surprise. In fact, you might say that you're both going to love it to death. Love it... until it kills you. Until you're dead.
Listens:
2916
Who:
Wheatley
Ohhh, the Sun. I'm gonna meet the Sun. Oh no! What'll I say? 'Hi! Hi, Sun!' Oh, boy!
Listens:
2915
Who:
Core 1
Hey, where are we goingNOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Listens:
2905
Who:
Defective Turret
Well, hello, stranger!
Listens:
2882
Who:
Defective Turret
I have the results of the last chamber: You are a horrible person. That's what it says: A horrible person. We weren't even testing for that.
Listens:
2871
Who:
GLaDOS
They say great science is built on the shoulders of giants. Not here. At Aperture, we do all our science from scratch. No hand holding.
Listens:
2870
Who:
Cave Johnson
You have trapped yourself. Congratulations. The exit door is now open.
Listens:
2847
Who:
Announcer
That is a potato battery. It's a toy for children. And now she lives in it.
Listens:
2844
Who:
Wheatley
Ohhhh, now he's playing classical music.
Listens:
2840
Who:
GLaDOS
Caroline... why do I know this woman? Maybe I killed her? Or-
Listens:
2834
Who:
GLaDOS
Just go.
Listens:
2827
Who:
GLaDOS
Happy Explosion Day, gorgeous.
Listens:
2814
Who:
Core 2
I think these test chambers look even better than they did before. It was easy, really. You just have to look at things objectively, see what you don't need anymore, and trim out the fat.
Listens:
2813
Who:
GLaDOS
Initiating surprise in three... two... one.
Listens:
2812
Who:
GLaDOS
Also: Look at her, you moron. She's not fat.
Listens:
2801
Who:
GLaDOS
That extra half volt helps but it isn't going to power miracles. If I think too hard, I'm going to fry this potato before we get a chance to burn up in the atomic fireball that little idiot is going- [bzzpt]
Listens:
2792
Who:
GLaDOS
These things happen.
Listens:
2791
Who:
Turret
AH!
Listens:
2789
Who:
Wheatley
Now it's broken turret's time to shine!
Listens:
2784
Who:
Defective Turret
00:00 / 00:00
Test Player
Like these quotes? Share them with your friends!
