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Portal 2
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SURPRISE! We're doing it NOW!
Listens:
3979
Who:
Wheatley
Most test subjects do experience some cognitive deterioration after a few months in suspension. Now you've been under for... quite a lot longer, and it's not out of the question that you might have a very minor case of serious brain damage.
Listens:
3938
Who:
Wheatley
Those of you who volunteered to be injected with praying mantis DNA, I've got some good news and some bad news.
Listens:
3914
Who:
Cave Johnson
Well done. In fact, you did so well, I'm going to note this on your file, in the commendations section. Oh, there's lots of room here. 'Did.... well. ... Enough.'
Listens:
3867
Who:
GLaDOS
You're angry. I know it. 'She’s tested me too hard.' Boo hoo. I don't suppose you ever stopped whining long enough to reflect on your own shortcomings, though, did you?
Listens:
3857
Who:
GLaDOS
I'm Cave Johnson. I own the place.
Listens:
3849
Who:
Cave Johnson
Federal Superfund regulations require us to inform you that you must now leave the theater, as measuring the effects of asbestos-lined promotional clothing is not part of today's presentation. Enjoy your free t-shirt. Goodbye.
Listens:
3824
Who:
GLaDOS
According to most advanced algorithms, the world's best name is Craig.
Listens:
3746
Who:
Core 3
Here it is. Why don't you just do it? Trust me, it's an easier way out than whatever asinine plan your friend came up with.
Listens:
3718
Who:
GLaDOS
The first person to prove that cow's milk is drinkable was very, very thirsty.
Listens:
3702
Who:
Core 3
Warning! Neurotoxin pressure has reached dangerously unlethal levels.
Listens:
3699
Who:
Announcer
Stop it!
Listens:
3696
Who:
GLaDOS
Just a heads-up: That coffee we gave you earlier had fluorescent calcium in it so we can track the neuronal activity in your brain. There's a slight chance the calcium could harden and vitrify your frontal lobe. Anyway, don't stress yourself thinking about it. I'm serious. Visualizing the scenario while under stress actually triggers the reaction.
Listens:
3691
Who:
Cave Johnson
Here's an interesting fact: you're not breathing real air. It's too expensive to pump this far down. We just take carbon dioxide out of a room, freshen it up a little, and pump it back in. So you'll be breathing the same room full of air for the rest of your life. I thought that was interesting.
Listens:
3677
Who:
GLaDOS
Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-DUN! DUN DUN! Dunna-dunna-na-dunna-na-DUN! DUN DUN! nananaDUNDUNDUN dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun...
Listens:
3673
Who:
Core 2
Yes, I see you, and no, I don't care.
Listens:
3664
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello, and again, welcome to the Aperture Science Enrichment Center.
Listens:
3656
Who:
Announcer
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
3590
Who:
GLaDOS
Well, what does a neck-bearded old engineer know about fashion? He probably - Oh, wait. It's a she. Still, what does she know? Oh wait, it says she has a medical degree. In fashion! From France!
Listens:
3547
Who:
GLaDOS
I’m on fire ow.
Listens:
3546
Who:
Turret
Didn't pick up on my sarcasm...
Listens:
3543
Who:
Wheatley
It's a paradox! There IS no answer.
Listens:
3540
Who:
GLaDOS
[hums 'For He's A Jolly Good Fellow']
Listens:
3532
Who:
GLaDOS
[fast gibberish]
Listens:
3525
Who:
GLaDOS
I know things look bleak, but that crazy man down there was right. Let's not take these lemons! We are going to march right back upstairs and MAKE him put me back in my body!
Listens:
3512
Who:
GLaDOS
Bam! Bam bam bam! Take that, space.
Listens:
3469
Who:
Core 1
Ohhhhh, yes. Ohhhh. Well done.
Listens:
3462
Who:
Wheatley
Warning: Core corruption at 75 percent.
Listens:
3432
Who:
Announcer
Crushing's too good for him. First he'll spend a year in the incinerator. Year two: Cryogenic refrigeration wing. Then TEN years in the chamber I built where all the robots scream at you. THEN I'll kill him.
Listens:
3418
Who:
GLaDOS
Thank you!
Listens:
3405
Who:
Turret
Hooray!
Listens:
3384
Who:
Turret
Say, you're good at murder. Could you - ow - murder this bird for me?
Listens:
3380
Who:
GLaDOS
Welcome, gentlemen, to Aperture Science. Astronauts, war heroes, Olympians--you're here because we want the best, and you are it. So: Who is ready to make some science?
Listens:
3377
Who:
Cave Johnson
Welcome back to the Computer Intelligence Training and Enrichment Center Human Test Subject Research Center. [laughs]
Listens:
3369
Who:
GLaDOS
Did you guess 'sharks'? Because that's wrong. The correct answer is 'nobody.' Nobody but you is that pointlessly cruel.
Listens:
3365
Who:
GLaDOS
Yeah yeah yeah okay okay.
Listens:
3362
Who:
Core 1
And another thing! You never caught me. I told you I could die falling off that rail. And you didn't catch me. You didn't even try. Oh, it's all becoming clear to me now. Find some dupe to break you out of cryosleep. Give him a sob story about escaping to the surface. Squeeze him for information on where to find a portal gun.
Listens:
3353
Who:
Wheatley
Fact: Space does not exist.
Listens:
3342
Who:
Core 3
I, uh... don't have any bullets. Are you gonna give me any bullets? Are the bullets up there?
Listens:
3321
Who:
Defective Turret
Hellllooo, imbecile.
Listens:
3320
Who:
GLaDOS
I thought about our dilemma, and I came up with a solution that I honestly think works out best for one of both of us.
Listens:
3292
Who:
GLaDOS
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
3288
Who:
GLaDOS
If the Earth is currently governed by a manner of animal-king, sentient cloud, or other governing body that either refuses to or is incapable of listening to reason, th- [RECORDING SHORTS OUT]
Listens:
3278
Who:
Announcer
Could a MORON PUNCH! YOU! INTO! THIS! PIT? Huh? Could a moron do THAT?
Listens:
3268
Who:
Wheatley
'Caw! Caw!' Oh, look! There's a bird out here! A Lovely bird. Gorgeous plumage. Majestic. Won't be here long. A lovely bird like that. Once in a lifetime opportunity to see a lovely bird like that. Lovely plumage.
Listens:
3257
Who:
Wheatley
Neurotoxin level at capacity in five minutes.
Listens:
3224
Who:
Announcer
Enjoy this next test. I'm going to go to the surface. It's a beautiful day out. Yesterday I saw a deer. If you solve this next test, maybe I'll let you ride an elevator all the way up to the break room, and I'll tell you about the time I saw a deer again.
Listens:
3198
Who:
GLaDOS
I am a coiled spring right now. Tension and power. Just... I'm a muscle. Like a big arm muscle, punching through a brick wall, and it's hitting the wall so hard the arm is catching on fire. Oh yeah.
Listens:
3187
Who:
Core 2
QUICK: WHAT'S THE SITUATION? Oh, hello angel. I guess I must have died and gone to heaven. Name's Rick. So, you out having yourself a little adventure?
Listens:
3165
Who:
Core 2
Don't like space. Don't like space.
Listens:
3157
Who:
Core 1
GET YOUR HANDES OFF ME! NO! STOP! No!
Listens:
3157
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello?
Listens:
3131
Who:
Turret
Fine. Let the games begin.
Listens:
3127
Who:
Wheatley
Help me, space cops. Space cops, help.
Listens:
3116
Who:
Core 1
Her name is Caroline.
Listens:
3090
Who:
Turret
But I need to protect the humans!
Listens:
3060
Who:
Turret
Powerup initiated.
Listens:
3031
Who:
Announcer
YES YES! IN YOUR FACE! I GOT YO-ah, nope.
Listens:
3009
Who:
Wheatley
Identify yourself or I will shoot.
Listens:
3009
Who:
Defective Turret
We are currently experiencing technical difficulties due to circumstances of potentially apocalyptic significance beyond our control.
Listens:
3001
Who:
Announcer
This next test applies the principles of momentum to movement through portals. If the laws of physics no longer apply in the future, God help you.
Listens:
3000
Who:
Announcer
Oh, just open the door! [to self] That's too aggressive. [loud again] Hello, friend! Why not open the door?
Listens:
2981
Who:
Wheatley
Remember before when I was talking about smelly garbage standing around being useless? That was a metaphor. I was actually talking about you. And I'm sorry. You didn't react at the time, so I was worried it sailed right over your head. Which would have made this apology seem insane. That's why I had to call you garbage a second time just now.
Listens:
2953
Who:
GLaDOS
Reactor explosion in four minutes.
Listens:
2939
Who:
Announcer
Butterfingers.
Listens:
2930
Who:
Wheatley
Wait. Why DID you trundle over here? You're not HUNGRY, are you? It's hard to see, what's that in your hand? Knowing you it's a deep fryer.
Listens:
2913
Who:
GLaDOS
It's been fun. Don't come back.
Listens:
2898
Who:
GLaDOS
You're not part of the control group, by the way. You get the gel. Last poor son of a gun got blue paint. Hahaha. All joking aside, that did happen - broke every bone in his legs. Tragic. But informative. Or so I'm told.
Listens:
2891
Who:
Cave Johnson
Uhhhh... Blam! Blam blam blam! I'm not defective!
Listens:
2877
Who:
Defective Turret
Stalemate detected.
Listens:
2869
Who:
Announcer
Okay. What you're doing there is jumping. You just... you just jumped. But nevermind. Say 'Apple'. 'Aaaapple.'
Listens:
2851
Who:
Wheatley
Allright. Preparing to interface with the neurotoxin central control circuit. Begin: 'Ello, guv! Neurotoxin inspectah! Need to shut this place down for a moment! Here's my credentials. Shut yourself down. I am totally legit. From the board of international neurotoxin... um... observers. From the United... Arab Emirates. Hello.
Listens:
2845
Who:
Wheatley
I'm telling 'em, keep your pants on.
Listens:
2831
Who:
Cave Johnson
Yes sir!
Listens:
2825
Who:
Caroline
You two are going to LOVE this big surprise. In fact, you might say that you're both going to love it to death. Love it... until it kills you. Until you're dead.
Listens:
2813
Who:
Wheatley
Now, if you're part of Control Group Kepler-Seven, we implanted a tiny microchip about the size of a postcard into your skull. Most likely you've forgotten it's even there, but if it starts vibrating and beeping during this next test, let us know, because that means it's about to hit five hundred degrees, so we're gonna need to go ahead and get that out of you pretty fast.
Listens:
2809
Who:
Cave Johnson
Ohhh, the Sun. I'm gonna meet the Sun. Oh no! What'll I say? 'Hi! Hi, Sun!' Oh, boy!
Listens:
2808
Who:
Core 1
Target lost
Listens:
2803
Who:
Turret
Vent system compromised: Neurotoxin offline.
Listens:
2800
Who:
Announcer
Goodbye, sir.
Listens:
2794
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello.
Listens:
2766
Who:
Turret
You can't fire me I quit!
Listens:
2761
Who:
Defective Turret
They say great science is built on the shoulders of giants. Not here. At Aperture, we do all our science from scratch. No hand holding.
Listens:
2743
Who:
Cave Johnson
[Whispered] For the record: You ARE adopted, and that's TERRIBLE.
Listens:
2734
Who:
GLaDOS
That is a potato battery. It's a toy for children. And now she lives in it.
Listens:
2719
Who:
Wheatley
Happy Explosion Day, gorgeous.
Listens:
2715
Who:
Core 2
I have the results of the last chamber: You are a horrible person. That's what it says: A horrible person. We weren't even testing for that.
Listens:
2699
Who:
GLaDOS
Hey, where are we goingNOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Listens:
2688
Who:
Defective Turret
You have trapped yourself. Congratulations. The exit door is now open.
Listens:
2683
Who:
Announcer
Just go.
Listens:
2671
Who:
GLaDOS
Caroline... why do I know this woman? Maybe I killed her? Or-
Listens:
2666
Who:
GLaDOS
I think these test chambers look even better than they did before. It was easy, really. You just have to look at things objectively, see what you don't need anymore, and trim out the fat.
Listens:
2664
Who:
GLaDOS
Ohhhh, now he's playing classical music.
Listens:
2661
Who:
GLaDOS
Initiating surprise in three... two... one.
Listens:
2644
Who:
GLaDOS
Well, hello, stranger!
Listens:
2641
Who:
Defective Turret
We made it we made it we made it. Space!
Listens:
2636
Who:
Core 1
Also: Look at her, you moron. She's not fat.
Listens:
2623
Who:
GLaDOS
That extra half volt helps but it isn't going to power miracles. If I think too hard, I'm going to fry this potato before we get a chance to burn up in the atomic fireball that little idiot is going- [bzzpt]
Listens:
2610
Who:
GLaDOS
These things happen.
Listens:
2600
Who:
Turret
To maintain a constant testing cycle, I simulate daylight at all hours and add adrenal vapor to your oxygen supply. So you may be confused about the passage of time. The point is, yesterday was your birthday. I thought you'd want to know.
Listens:
2596
Who:
GLaDOS
00:00 / 00:00
Test Player
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