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Portal 2
Portal 2 DLC
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Portal 1 Music
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TF2 Music
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BECAUSE I'M A POTATO.
Listens:
733134
Who:
GLaDOS
Ha! I like your style. You make up your own rules, just like me.
Listens:
636262
Who:
Cave Johnson
SPAAACCCCCE!
Listens:
566271
Who:
Core 1
Dad! I'm in space! [low-pitched 'space' voice] I'm proud of you, son. [normal voice] Dad, are you space? [low-pitched 'space' voice] Yes. Now we are a family again.
Listens:
447087
Who:
Core 1
Ohmygodohmygodohmygod! I'm in space!
Listens:
363018
Who:
Core 1
[beep] Sarcasm Self Test complete. [beep]
Listens:
298645
Who:
Announcer
What's your favorite thing about space? Mine is space.
Listens:
205698
Who:
Core 1
Um. You've got a yacht. And... Boys! Loads of fellas. Hunky guys down there. Possibly even a boyfriend! Who's to say at this stage. But, a lot of good looking fellas down there. And, ah, a boy band as well! That haven't seen a woman in years. And they're not picky at all. They don't care if you've got a bit of brain damage. If you've been running around sweating. And... A farm! A pony farm! And... Just jump down, would ya?
Listens:
180194
Who:
Wheatley
Like the potato!
Listens:
174857
Who:
Defective Turret
A, A, A, A, A, A. [NNNT!] No. A, A, A, A, A, B. [NNNT!] Hold on, I've done both of these. Skip ahead. A, B, C... D, G, H.[DING!]
Listens:
163581
Who:
Wheatley
Demand to see life's manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I'm the man who's going to burn your house down! With the lemons! I'm going to get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!
Listens:
143422
Who:
Cave Johnson
[clap clap clap]
Listens:
124500
Who:
GLaDOS
All right, I've been thinking. When life gives you lemons? Don't make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! 'I don't want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?'
Listens:
118236
Who:
Cave Johnson
Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-action and adventure-dunna-dunna-na-dunna-na-playing by our own rules-nanana-hanging by our fingers from a mountain-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun...
Listens:
107836
Who:
Core 2
Did you ever stop to think that eventually there’s a point where your name gets mentioned for the very last time. Well, here it is: I’m going to kill you, Chell.
Listens:
102343
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello! This is the part where I kill you.
Listens:
101147
Who:
Wheatley
BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD
Listens:
97574
Who:
Wheatley
Space.
Listens:
95431
Who:
Core 1
Hey, nice potato!
Listens:
93927
Who:
Defective Turret
Lawl
Listens:
82519
Who:
Turret
You know what my days used to be like? I just tested. Nobody murdered me. Or put me in a potato. Or fed me to birds. I had a pretty good life.
Listens:
81574
Who:
GLaDOS
This next test is very dangerous. To help you remain tranquil in the face of almost certain death, smooth jazz will be deployed in three. Two. One. [SMOOTH JAZZ]
Listens:
75371
Who:
Announcer
Well done. Here come the test results: You are a horrible person. I'm serious, that's what it says: A horrible person. We weren't even testing for that.
Listens:
70331
Who:
GLaDOS
Nonononononono!
Listens:
68126
Who:
GLaDOS
So... this cat loves lasagna so much that he eats all of the lasagna in his house. Okay, apparently it's not the cat's house or his lasagna. Oh good! The man who owns the lasagna is furious!
Listens:
65124
Who:
GLaDOS
No! NO! NO! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
Listens:
65112
Who:
GLaDOS
I'm different...
Listens:
64002
Who:
Turret
Are you still there?
Listens:
51891
Who:
Turret
Hmm. This Plate must not be calibrated to someone of your... generous... ness. I'll add a few zeros to the maximum weight.
Listens:
50835
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh, good. My slow clap processor made it into this thing. So we have that.
Listens:
50403
Who:
GLaDOS
SPAAACE!
Listens:
47589
Who:
Core 1
This next test... [boom!] ..is... [BOOM!] dangerous. I'll be right back.
Listens:
46545
Who:
GLaDOS
Science isn't about WHY. It's about WHY NOT. Why is so much of our science dangerous? Why not marry safe science if you love it so much. In fact, why not invent a special safety door that won't hit you on the butt on the way out, because you are fired.
Listens:
45110
Who:
Cave Johnson
Okay, fine. Let's all act like humans. 'Look at me. Boy, do I love sweating. Let's convert beef and leaves into energy and excrete them later and go shopping.'
Listens:
43601
Who:
GLaDOS
It's been a long time. How have you been?
Listens:
43423
Who:
GLaDOS
DANCING is NOT SCIENCE!
Listens:
41908
Who:
GLaDOS
Prometheus was punished by the gods for giving the gift of knowledge to man. He was cast into the bowels of the earth and pecked by birds.
Listens:
40451
Who:
Turret
You really are doing great... Chell.
Listens:
40119
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh... It's you.
Listens:
40082
Who:
GLaDOS
[laugh]
Listens:
37474
Who:
Cave Johnson
But I'm huge! [laugh turning to maniacal laugh]
Listens:
36144
Who:
Wheatley
Yeah, take the lemons...
Listens:
34995
Who:
GLaDOS
Agh! Bird! Bird! Kill it! It's evil!
Listens:
34169
Who:
GLaDOS
Space. Trial. Puttin' the system on trial. In space. Space system. On trial. Guilty. Of being in space! Going to space jail!
Listens:
33396
Who:
Core 1
Federal regulations require me to warn you that this next test chamber... is looking pretty good.
Listens:
31847
Who:
GLaDOS
Did you know that people with guilty consciences are more easily startled by loud noises--[train horn]--
Listens:
30608
Who:
GLaDOS
Get mad!
Listens:
30589
Who:
Turret
*cough* PRESS THE BUTTON.
Listens:
30511
Who:
Wheatley
All these science spheres are made of asbestos, by the way. Keeps out the rats. Let us know if you feel a shortness of breath, a persistent dry cough or your heart stopping. Because that's not part of the test. That's asbestos.
Listens:
29923
Who:
Cave Johnson
Dammit, we know! Everybody knows! Space! You! In it! We get it!
Listens:
29580
Who:
Core 2
This. Sentence. Is. FALSE don't think about it don't think about it...
Listens:
29516
Who:
GLaDOS
Why do I hate you so much? You ever wonder that? I'm brilliant. I’m not bragging. It's an objective fact. I'm the most massive collection of wisdom that’s ever existed. And I hate you. It can't be for no reason. You must deserve it.
Listens:
28765
Who:
GLaDOS
If at first you don't succeed, fail 5 more times.
Listens:
27440
Who:
GLaDOS
I feel awful about that surprise. Tell you what, let's give your parents a call right now. [phone ringing] The birth parents you are trying to reach do not love you. Please hang up. [Dial tone]
Listens:
26543
Who:
GLaDOS
Aristotle versus Mashy-spike-plate!
Listens:
26079
Who:
Wheatley
Okay. Look. We both said a lot of things that you're going to regret. But I think we can put our differences behind us. For science. You monster.
Listens:
25769
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello? Friend.
Listens:
25487
Who:
Turret
If you had underwear? And a butt? I would pull your underwear... right up your butt.
Listens:
24863
Who:
Core 2
He's not just a regular moron. He's the product of the greatest minds of a generation working together with the express purpose of building the dumbest moron who ever lived. And you just put him in charge of the entire facility.
Listens:
24757
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh... Mr. Johnson...
Listens:
24692
Who:
Caroline
Good morning. You have been in suspension for nine nine nine... nine nine ni- This courtesy call is to inform you that all test subjects should immediately vacate [FADES OUT]
Listens:
24623
Who:
Announcer
Gotta go to space. Lady. Lady.
Listens:
23914
Who:
Core 1
Explosion imminent. Evacuate the facility immediately.
Listens:
23744
Who:
Announcer
You're not just a regular moron. You were DESIGNED to be a moron.
Listens:
23736
Who:
GLaDOS
Goodbye Caroline!
Listens:
23016
Who:
Caroline
Interpreting vague answer as YES.
Listens:
22612
Who:
Announcer
Did you put a virus in them? It's not going to work either. I've got a firewall, mate. Literally, actually, now that I look around. There appears to be literally a wall of fire around this place. Alarming. To say the least.
Listens:
22106
Who:
Wheatley
I don't blame you
Listens:
22020
Who:
Turret
I know how humans make more humans, and frankly, it's ridiculous. It also assumes that you already have a human, which I hope somebody got fired over. So I came up a with BETTER way.
Listens:
21758
Who:
GLaDOS
Glorious freedom!
Listens:
21580
Who:
Turret
'Goodbye, Caroline.'
Listens:
21536
Who:
Caroline
Hey! Moron!
Listens:
21134
Who:
GLaDOS
Space? SPACE!
Listens:
20735
Who:
Core 1
You are the farthest ever in space. Why me, space? Because you are the best. I'm the best at space? Yes.
Listens:
20351
Who:
Core 1
Am I being too vague? I despise you. I loathe you. You arrogant, smugly quiet, awful jumpsuited monster of a woman. You and your little potato friend. This place would have been a triumph if it wasn't for you!
Listens:
19892
Who:
Wheatley
Nobody is going to space, mate!
Listens:
19745
Who:
Wheatley
Good news is, the lab boys say the symptoms of asbestos poisoning show a median latency of forty-four point six years, so if you're thirty or older, you're laughing. Worst case scenario, you miss out on a few rounds of canasta, plus you forwarded the cause of science by three centuries. I punch those numbers into my calculator, it makes a happy face.
Listens:
19519
Who:
Cave Johnson
[clap clap]
Listens:
19488
Who:
GLaDOS
Lady. I love space. I know! Spell it! S P... AACE. Space. Space.
Listens:
19249
Who:
Core 1
SPACE!
Listens:
19128
Who:
Wheatley
Caroline deleted.
Listens:
19007
Who:
Announcer
I can't see a thing. What just happened? Better open fire! [click click click click] Dang!
Listens:
18925
Who:
Defective Turret
Don't make lemonade!
Listens:
18876
Who:
Turret
I was getting SO lonely down here. It's good to finally hear someone else's voice. I'm kidding, of course. God, I hate you.
Listens:
18399
Who:
GLaDOS
Um. 'TRUE'. I'll go 'true'.
Listens:
18378
Who:
Wheatley
Goodbye, Caroline.
Listens:
18089
Who:
GLaDOS
[BUZZER NOISE]
Listens:
17800
Who:
Wheatley
Ba! Ba! Ba ba ba! Space! Ba! Ba! Ba ba ba!
Listens:
17560
Who:
Core 1
You messed with the wrong turret!
Listens:
17524
Who:
Defective Turret
I don't want this!
Listens:
17481
Who:
Caroline
Still, it turns out they're a great portal conductor. So now we're gonna see if jumping in and out of these new portals can somehow leech the lunar poison out of a man's bloodstream. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. [coughs] Let's all stay positive and do some science.
Listens:
17434
Who:
Cave Johnson
Well, you know the old formula: Comedy equals tragedy plus time. And you have been asleep for a while. So I guess it's actually pretty funny when you do the math.
Listens:
17117
Who:
GLaDOS
Oo. Oo. Oo. Lady. Oo. Lady. Oo. Let's go to space.
Listens:
16850
Who:
Core 1
No, listen to me! Sir, I do not want this!
Listens:
16791
Who:
Caroline
The Space Sphere will never go to space.
Listens:
16791
Who:
Core 3
One of these times you'll be so fat that you'll jump, and you'll just drop like a stone. Into acid, probably. Like a potato into a deep fat fryer.
Listens:
16791
Who:
GLaDOS
They say the old caretaker of this place went absolutely crazy. Chopped up his entire staff. Of robots. All of them robots. They say at night you can still hear the screams. Of their replicas. All of them functionally indistinguishable from the originals. No memory of the incident. Nobody knows what they’re screaming about. Absolutely terrifying. Though obviously not paranormal in any meaningful way.
Listens:
16791
Who:
Wheatley
Space space wanna go to space yes please space. Space space. Go to space.
Listens:
16786
Who:
Core 1
The bean counters told me we literally could not afford to buy seven dollars worth of moon rocks, much less seventy million. Bought 'em anyway. Ground 'em up, mixed em into a gel.
Listens:
16785
Who:
Cave Johnson
Bad news is we're postponing those tests indefinitely. Good news is we've got a much better test for you: fighting an army of mantis men. Pick up a rifle and follow the yellow line. You'll know when the test starts.
Listens:
16784
Who:
Cave Johnson
00:00 / 00:00
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