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Portal 2
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Portal 1 Music
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TF2 Music
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BECAUSE I'M A POTATO.
Listens:
718883
Who:
GLaDOS
Ha! I like your style. You make up your own rules, just like me.
Listens:
630020
Who:
Cave Johnson
SPAAACCCCCE!
Listens:
558674
Who:
Core 1
Dad! I'm in space! [low-pitched 'space' voice] I'm proud of you, son. [normal voice] Dad, are you space? [low-pitched 'space' voice] Yes. Now we are a family again.
Listens:
441510
Who:
Core 1
Ohmygodohmygodohmygod! I'm in space!
Listens:
358411
Who:
Core 1
[beep] Sarcasm Self Test complete. [beep]
Listens:
293541
Who:
Announcer
What's your favorite thing about space? Mine is space.
Listens:
202502
Who:
Core 1
Um. You've got a yacht. And... Boys! Loads of fellas. Hunky guys down there. Possibly even a boyfriend! Who's to say at this stage. But, a lot of good looking fellas down there. And, ah, a boy band as well! That haven't seen a woman in years. And they're not picky at all. They don't care if you've got a bit of brain damage. If you've been running around sweating. And... A farm! A pony farm! And... Just jump down, would ya?
Listens:
175979
Who:
Wheatley
Like the potato!
Listens:
170546
Who:
Defective Turret
A, A, A, A, A, A. [NNNT!] No. A, A, A, A, A, B. [NNNT!] Hold on, I've done both of these. Skip ahead. A, B, C... D, G, H.[DING!]
Listens:
159505
Who:
Wheatley
Demand to see life's manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I'm the man who's going to burn your house down! With the lemons! I'm going to get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!
Listens:
139865
Who:
Cave Johnson
[clap clap clap]
Listens:
120301
Who:
GLaDOS
All right, I've been thinking. When life gives you lemons? Don't make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! 'I don't want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?'
Listens:
115345
Who:
Cave Johnson
Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-action and adventure-dunna-dunna-na-dunna-na-playing by our own rules-nanana-hanging by our fingers from a mountain-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun...
Listens:
105465
Who:
Core 2
Did you ever stop to think that eventually there’s a point where your name gets mentioned for the very last time. Well, here it is: I’m going to kill you, Chell.
Listens:
99650
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello! This is the part where I kill you.
Listens:
98001
Who:
Wheatley
BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD
Listens:
94476
Who:
Wheatley
Space.
Listens:
92273
Who:
Core 1
Hey, nice potato!
Listens:
91083
Who:
Defective Turret
Lawl
Listens:
79571
Who:
Turret
You know what my days used to be like? I just tested. Nobody murdered me. Or put me in a potato. Or fed me to birds. I had a pretty good life.
Listens:
79449
Who:
GLaDOS
This next test is very dangerous. To help you remain tranquil in the face of almost certain death, smooth jazz will be deployed in three. Two. One. [SMOOTH JAZZ]
Listens:
73568
Who:
Announcer
Well done. Here come the test results: You are a horrible person. I'm serious, that's what it says: A horrible person. We weren't even testing for that.
Listens:
67821
Who:
GLaDOS
Nonononononono!
Listens:
65848
Who:
GLaDOS
So... this cat loves lasagna so much that he eats all of the lasagna in his house. Okay, apparently it's not the cat's house or his lasagna. Oh good! The man who owns the lasagna is furious!
Listens:
63050
Who:
GLaDOS
No! NO! NO! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
Listens:
61953
Who:
GLaDOS
I'm different...
Listens:
61745
Who:
Turret
Hmm. This Plate must not be calibrated to someone of your... generous... ness. I'll add a few zeros to the maximum weight.
Listens:
49320
Who:
GLaDOS
Are you still there?
Listens:
49301
Who:
Turret
Oh, good. My slow clap processor made it into this thing. So we have that.
Listens:
48759
Who:
GLaDOS
SPAAACE!
Listens:
46070
Who:
Core 1
This next test... [boom!] ..is... [BOOM!] dangerous. I'll be right back.
Listens:
44676
Who:
GLaDOS
Science isn't about WHY. It's about WHY NOT. Why is so much of our science dangerous? Why not marry safe science if you love it so much. In fact, why not invent a special safety door that won't hit you on the butt on the way out, because you are fired.
Listens:
43238
Who:
Cave Johnson
Okay, fine. Let's all act like humans. 'Look at me. Boy, do I love sweating. Let's convert beef and leaves into energy and excrete them later and go shopping.'
Listens:
42132
Who:
GLaDOS
It's been a long time. How have you been?
Listens:
41584
Who:
GLaDOS
DANCING is NOT SCIENCE!
Listens:
39982
Who:
GLaDOS
You really are doing great... Chell.
Listens:
38621
Who:
GLaDOS
Prometheus was punished by the gods for giving the gift of knowledge to man. He was cast into the bowels of the earth and pecked by birds.
Listens:
37846
Who:
Turret
Oh... It's you.
Listens:
36761
Who:
GLaDOS
[laugh]
Listens:
35928
Who:
Cave Johnson
But I'm huge! [laugh turning to maniacal laugh]
Listens:
34836
Who:
Wheatley
Yeah, take the lemons...
Listens:
33452
Who:
GLaDOS
Agh! Bird! Bird! Kill it! It's evil!
Listens:
32628
Who:
GLaDOS
Space. Trial. Puttin' the system on trial. In space. Space system. On trial. Guilty. Of being in space! Going to space jail!
Listens:
32332
Who:
Core 1
Federal regulations require me to warn you that this next test chamber... is looking pretty good.
Listens:
30536
Who:
GLaDOS
Did you know that people with guilty consciences are more easily startled by loud noises--[train horn]--
Listens:
29065
Who:
GLaDOS
Get mad!
Listens:
29002
Who:
Turret
*cough* PRESS THE BUTTON.
Listens:
28787
Who:
Wheatley
All these science spheres are made of asbestos, by the way. Keeps out the rats. Let us know if you feel a shortness of breath, a persistent dry cough or your heart stopping. Because that's not part of the test. That's asbestos.
Listens:
28706
Who:
Cave Johnson
Dammit, we know! Everybody knows! Space! You! In it! We get it!
Listens:
28540
Who:
Core 2
This. Sentence. Is. FALSE don't think about it don't think about it...
Listens:
28321
Who:
GLaDOS
Why do I hate you so much? You ever wonder that? I'm brilliant. I’m not bragging. It's an objective fact. I'm the most massive collection of wisdom that’s ever existed. And I hate you. It can't be for no reason. You must deserve it.
Listens:
27507
Who:
GLaDOS
If at first you don't succeed, fail 5 more times.
Listens:
26424
Who:
GLaDOS
I feel awful about that surprise. Tell you what, let's give your parents a call right now. [phone ringing] The birth parents you are trying to reach do not love you. Please hang up. [Dial tone]
Listens:
25685
Who:
GLaDOS
Aristotle versus Mashy-spike-plate!
Listens:
25085
Who:
Wheatley
Okay. Look. We both said a lot of things that you're going to regret. But I think we can put our differences behind us. For science. You monster.
Listens:
24416
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello? Friend.
Listens:
24041
Who:
Turret
If you had underwear? And a butt? I would pull your underwear... right up your butt.
Listens:
23994
Who:
Core 2
Oh... Mr. Johnson...
Listens:
23649
Who:
Caroline
Good morning. You have been in suspension for nine nine nine... nine nine ni- This courtesy call is to inform you that all test subjects should immediately vacate [FADES OUT]
Listens:
23385
Who:
Announcer
He's not just a regular moron. He's the product of the greatest minds of a generation working together with the express purpose of building the dumbest moron who ever lived. And you just put him in charge of the entire facility.
Listens:
23285
Who:
GLaDOS
Gotta go to space. Lady. Lady.
Listens:
23086
Who:
Core 1
You're not just a regular moron. You were DESIGNED to be a moron.
Listens:
22313
Who:
GLaDOS
Explosion imminent. Evacuate the facility immediately.
Listens:
21969
Who:
Announcer
Goodbye Caroline!
Listens:
21960
Who:
Caroline
Interpreting vague answer as YES.
Listens:
21351
Who:
Announcer
Did you put a virus in them? It's not going to work either. I've got a firewall, mate. Literally, actually, now that I look around. There appears to be literally a wall of fire around this place. Alarming. To say the least.
Listens:
21164
Who:
Wheatley
I don't blame you
Listens:
21087
Who:
Turret
I know how humans make more humans, and frankly, it's ridiculous. It also assumes that you already have a human, which I hope somebody got fired over. So I came up a with BETTER way.
Listens:
20857
Who:
GLaDOS
Glorious freedom!
Listens:
20740
Who:
Turret
'Goodbye, Caroline.'
Listens:
20562
Who:
Caroline
Hey! Moron!
Listens:
19880
Who:
GLaDOS
You are the farthest ever in space. Why me, space? Because you are the best. I'm the best at space? Yes.
Listens:
19683
Who:
Core 1
Space? SPACE!
Listens:
19605
Who:
Core 1
Am I being too vague? I despise you. I loathe you. You arrogant, smugly quiet, awful jumpsuited monster of a woman. You and your little potato friend. This place would have been a triumph if it wasn't for you!
Listens:
18829
Who:
Wheatley
Nobody is going to space, mate!
Listens:
18815
Who:
Wheatley
Good news is, the lab boys say the symptoms of asbestos poisoning show a median latency of forty-four point six years, so if you're thirty or older, you're laughing. Worst case scenario, you miss out on a few rounds of canasta, plus you forwarded the cause of science by three centuries. I punch those numbers into my calculator, it makes a happy face.
Listens:
18711
Who:
Cave Johnson
[clap clap]
Listens:
18486
Who:
GLaDOS
Lady. I love space. I know! Spell it! S P... AACE. Space. Space.
Listens:
18423
Who:
Core 1
SPACE!
Listens:
18099
Who:
Wheatley
I can't see a thing. What just happened? Better open fire! [click click click click] Dang!
Listens:
18055
Who:
Defective Turret
Don't make lemonade!
Listens:
18008
Who:
Turret
Caroline deleted.
Listens:
17781
Who:
Announcer
Um. 'TRUE'. I'll go 'true'.
Listens:
17579
Who:
Wheatley
I was getting SO lonely down here. It's good to finally hear someone else's voice. I'm kidding, of course. God, I hate you.
Listens:
17568
Who:
GLaDOS
Goodbye, Caroline.
Listens:
17186
Who:
GLaDOS
Ba! Ba! Ba ba ba! Space! Ba! Ba! Ba ba ba!
Listens:
16763
Who:
Core 1
Still, it turns out they're a great portal conductor. So now we're gonna see if jumping in and out of these new portals can somehow leech the lunar poison out of a man's bloodstream. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. [coughs] Let's all stay positive and do some science.
Listens:
16719
Who:
Cave Johnson
I don't want this!
Listens:
16708
Who:
Caroline
You messed with the wrong turret!
Listens:
16650
Who:
Defective Turret
Oo. Oo. Oo. Lady. Oo. Lady. Oo. Let's go to space.
Listens:
16119
Who:
Core 1
Well, you know the old formula: Comedy equals tragedy plus time. And you have been asleep for a while. So I guess it's actually pretty funny when you do the math.
Listens:
16100
Who:
GLaDOS
[BUZZER NOISE]
Listens:
16096
Who:
Wheatley
One of these times you'll be so fat that you'll jump, and you'll just drop like a stone. Into acid, probably. Like a potato into a deep fat fryer.
Listens:
15981
Who:
GLaDOS
Space space wanna go to space yes please space. Space space. Go to space.
Listens:
15973
Who:
Core 1
No, listen to me! Sir, I do not want this!
Listens:
15972
Who:
Caroline
Bad news is we're postponing those tests indefinitely. Good news is we've got a much better test for you: fighting an army of mantis men. Pick up a rifle and follow the yellow line. You'll know when the test starts.
Listens:
15972
Who:
Cave Johnson
The Space Sphere will never go to space.
Listens:
15972
Who:
Core 3
They say the old caretaker of this place went absolutely crazy. Chopped up his entire staff. Of robots. All of them robots. They say at night you can still hear the screams. Of their replicas. All of them functionally indistinguishable from the originals. No memory of the incident. Nobody knows what they’re screaming about. Absolutely terrifying. Though obviously not paranormal in any meaningful way.
Listens:
15967
Who:
Wheatley
The bean counters told me we literally could not afford to buy seven dollars worth of moon rocks, much less seventy million. Bought 'em anyway. Ground 'em up, mixed em into a gel.
Listens:
15962
Who:
Cave Johnson
00:00 / 00:00
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