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Portal 2
Portal 2 DLC
Portal 2 PTI
Portal 2 Music
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Portal 1 Music
Team Fortress 2
TF2 Music
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BECAUSE I'M A POTATO.
Listens:
468467
Who:
GLaDOS
Ha! I like your style. You make up your own rules, just like me.
Listens:
468466
Who:
Cave Johnson
SPAAACCCCCE!
Listens:
385608
Who:
Core 1
Dad! I'm in space! [low-pitched 'space' voice] I'm proud of you, son. [normal voice] Dad, are you space? [low-pitched 'space' voice] Yes. Now we are a family again.
Listens:
314915
Who:
Core 1
Ohmygodohmygodohmygod! I'm in space!
Listens:
255428
Who:
Core 1
[beep] Sarcasm Self Test complete. [beep]
Listens:
192710
Who:
Announcer
What's your favorite thing about space? Mine is space.
Listens:
134091
Who:
Core 1
Um. You've got a yacht. And... Boys! Loads of fellas. Hunky guys down there. Possibly even a boyfriend! Who's to say at this stage. But, a lot of good looking fellas down there. And, ah, a boy band as well! That haven't seen a woman in years. And they're not picky at all. They don't care if you've got a bit of brain damage. If you've been running around sweating. And... A farm! A pony farm! And... Just jump down, would ya?
Listens:
104348
Who:
Wheatley
Like the potato!
Listens:
93818
Who:
Defective Turret
A, A, A, A, A, A. [NNNT!] No. A, A, A, A, A, B. [NNNT!] Hold on, I've done both of these. Skip ahead. A, B, C... D, G, H.[DING!]
Listens:
91161
Who:
Wheatley
Demand to see life's manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I'm the man who's going to burn your house down! With the lemons! I'm going to get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!
Listens:
82492
Who:
Cave Johnson
All right, I've been thinking. When life gives you lemons? Don't make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! 'I don't want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?'
Listens:
69162
Who:
Cave Johnson
Did you ever stop to think that eventually there’s a point where your name gets mentioned for the very last time. Well, here it is: I’m going to kill you, Chell.
Listens:
56716
Who:
GLaDOS
[clap clap clap]
Listens:
54818
Who:
GLaDOS
Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-action and adventure-dunna-dunna-na-dunna-na-playing by our own rules-nanana-hanging by our fingers from a mountain-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun...
Listens:
54791
Who:
Core 2
Hello! This is the part where I kill you.
Listens:
53731
Who:
Wheatley
Hey, nice potato!
Listens:
49737
Who:
Defective Turret
BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD
Listens:
46608
Who:
Wheatley
Space.
Listens:
42742
Who:
Core 1
This next test is very dangerous. To help you remain tranquil in the face of almost certain death, smooth jazz will be deployed in three. Two. One. [SMOOTH JAZZ]
Listens:
40906
Who:
Announcer
You know what my days used to be like? I just tested. Nobody murdered me. Or put me in a potato. Or fed me to birds. I had a pretty good life.
Listens:
38519
Who:
GLaDOS
Lawl
Listens:
36548
Who:
Turret
So... this cat loves lasagna so much that he eats all of the lasagna in his house. Okay, apparently it's not the cat's house or his lasagna. Oh good! The man who owns the lasagna is furious!
Listens:
34915
Who:
GLaDOS
Nonononononono!
Listens:
32880
Who:
GLaDOS
Hmm. This Plate must not be calibrated to someone of your... generous... ness. I'll add a few zeros to the maximum weight.
Listens:
28016
Who:
GLaDOS
Well done. Here come the test results: You are a horrible person. I'm serious, that's what it says: A horrible person. We weren't even testing for that.
Listens:
25909
Who:
GLaDOS
I'm different...
Listens:
25083
Who:
Turret
No! NO! NO! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
Listens:
24307
Who:
GLaDOS
You really are doing great... Chell.
Listens:
20474
Who:
GLaDOS
SPAAACE!
Listens:
19735
Who:
Core 1
Okay, fine. Let's all act like humans. 'Look at me. Boy, do I love sweating. Let's convert beef and leaves into energy and excrete them later and go shopping.'
Listens:
19728
Who:
GLaDOS
This next test... [boom!] ..is... [BOOM!] dangerous. I'll be right back.
Listens:
19411
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh, good. My slow clap processor made it into this thing. So we have that.
Listens:
18636
Who:
GLaDOS
It's been a long time. How have you been?
Listens:
18510
Who:
GLaDOS
But I'm huge! [laugh turning to maniacal laugh]
Listens:
18413
Who:
Wheatley
Federal regulations require me to warn you that this next test chamber... is looking pretty good.
Listens:
16939
Who:
GLaDOS
Science isn't about WHY. It's about WHY NOT. Why is so much of our science dangerous? Why not marry safe science if you love it so much. In fact, why not invent a special safety door that won't hit you on the butt on the way out, because you are fired.
Listens:
16467
Who:
Cave Johnson
Prometheus was punished by the gods for giving the gift of knowledge to man. He was cast into the bowels of the earth and pecked by birds.
Listens:
16444
Who:
Turret
Space. Trial. Puttin' the system on trial. In space. Space system. On trial. Guilty. Of being in space! Going to space jail!
Listens:
15709
Who:
Core 1
Are you still there?
Listens:
14736
Who:
Turret
Dammit, we know! Everybody knows! Space! You! In it! We get it!
Listens:
14590
Who:
Core 2
Yeah, take the lemons...
Listens:
14262
Who:
GLaDOS
DANCING is NOT SCIENCE!
Listens:
14242
Who:
GLaDOS
Agh! Bird! Bird! Kill it! It's evil!
Listens:
14174
Who:
GLaDOS
All these science spheres are made of asbestos, by the way. Keeps out the rats. Let us know if you feel a shortness of breath, a persistent dry cough or your heart stopping. Because that's not part of the test. That's asbestos.
Listens:
13388
Who:
Cave Johnson
If at first you don't succeed, fail 5 more times.
Listens:
12520
Who:
GLaDOS
Aristotle versus Mashy-spike-plate!
Listens:
12284
Who:
Wheatley
Did you know that people with guilty consciences are more easily startled by loud noises--[train horn]--
Listens:
12266
Who:
GLaDOS
This. Sentence. Is. FALSE don't think about it don't think about it...
Listens:
12157
Who:
GLaDOS
[laugh]
Listens:
11793
Who:
Cave Johnson
If you had underwear? And a butt? I would pull your underwear... right up your butt.
Listens:
10967
Who:
Core 2
Oh... It's you.
Listens:
10951
Who:
GLaDOS
I feel awful about that surprise. Tell you what, let's give your parents a call right now. [phone ringing] The birth parents you are trying to reach do not love you. Please hang up. [Dial tone]
Listens:
10783
Who:
GLaDOS
Why do I hate you so much? You ever wonder that? I'm brilliant. I’m not bragging. It's an objective fact. I'm the most massive collection of wisdom that’s ever existed. And I hate you. It can't be for no reason. You must deserve it.
Listens:
10406
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh... Mr. Johnson...
Listens:
10351
Who:
Caroline
Gotta go to space. Lady. Lady.
Listens:
9965
Who:
Core 1
*cough* PRESS THE BUTTON.
Listens:
9700
Who:
Wheatley
Did you put a virus in them? It's not going to work either. I've got a firewall, mate. Literally, actually, now that I look around. There appears to be literally a wall of fire around this place. Alarming. To say the least.
Listens:
9686
Who:
Wheatley
Get mad!
Listens:
9607
Who:
Turret
Goodbye Caroline!
Listens:
8898
Who:
Caroline
You are the farthest ever in space. Why me, space? Because you are the best. I'm the best at space? Yes.
Listens:
8828
Who:
Core 1
You're not just a regular moron. You were DESIGNED to be a moron.
Listens:
8581
Who:
GLaDOS
I know how humans make more humans, and frankly, it's ridiculous. It also assumes that you already have a human, which I hope somebody got fired over. So I came up a with BETTER way.
Listens:
8525
Who:
GLaDOS
'Goodbye, Caroline.'
Listens:
8362
Who:
Caroline
Nobody is going to space, mate!
Listens:
8146
Who:
Wheatley
Good morning. You have been in suspension for nine nine nine... nine nine ni- This courtesy call is to inform you that all test subjects should immediately vacate [FADES OUT]
Listens:
7985
Who:
Announcer
I don't want this!
Listens:
7966
Who:
Caroline
Okay. Look. We both said a lot of things that you're going to regret. But I think we can put our differences behind us. For science. You monster.
Listens:
7929
Who:
GLaDOS
Interpreting vague answer as YES.
Listens:
7928
Who:
Announcer
He's not just a regular moron. He's the product of the greatest minds of a generation working together with the express purpose of building the dumbest moron who ever lived. And you just put him in charge of the entire facility.
Listens:
7923
Who:
GLaDOS
Am I being too vague? I despise you. I loathe you. You arrogant, smugly quiet, awful jumpsuited monster of a woman. You and your little potato friend. This place would have been a triumph if it wasn't for you!
Listens:
7889
Who:
Wheatley
Um. 'TRUE'. I'll go 'true'.
Listens:
7766
Who:
Wheatley
Glorious freedom!
Listens:
7563
Who:
Turret
Still, it turns out they're a great portal conductor. So now we're gonna see if jumping in and out of these new portals can somehow leech the lunar poison out of a man's bloodstream. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. [coughs] Let's all stay positive and do some science.
Listens:
7453
Who:
Cave Johnson
Good news is, the lab boys say the symptoms of asbestos poisoning show a median latency of forty-four point six years, so if you're thirty or older, you're laughing. Worst case scenario, you miss out on a few rounds of canasta, plus you forwarded the cause of science by three centuries. I punch those numbers into my calculator, it makes a happy face.
Listens:
7402
Who:
Cave Johnson
Explosion imminent. Evacuate the facility immediately.
Listens:
7299
Who:
Announcer
I don't blame you
Listens:
7252
Who:
Turret
The bean counters told me we literally could not afford to buy seven dollars worth of moon rocks, much less seventy million. Bought 'em anyway. Ground 'em up, mixed em into a gel.
Listens:
7237
Who:
Cave Johnson
Lady. I love space. I know! Spell it! S P... AACE. Space. Space.
Listens:
7132
Who:
Core 1
No, listen to me! Sir, I do not want this!
Listens:
6935
Who:
Caroline
I was getting SO lonely down here. It's good to finally hear someone else's voice. I'm kidding, of course. God, I hate you.
Listens:
6726
Who:
GLaDOS
Goodbye, Caroline.
Listens:
6447
Who:
GLaDOS
Bad news is we're postponing those tests indefinitely. Good news is we've got a much better test for you: fighting an army of mantis men. Pick up a rifle and follow the yellow line. You'll know when the test starts.
Listens:
6225
Who:
Cave Johnson
Don't make lemonade!
Listens:
6119
Who:
Turret
Hello? Friend.
Listens:
6105
Who:
Turret
Hey! Moron!
Listens:
6018
Who:
GLaDOS
[clap clap]
Listens:
5930
Who:
GLaDOS
Oo. Oo. Oo. Lady. Oo. Lady. Oo. Let's go to space.
Listens:
5846
Who:
Core 1
They say the old caretaker of this place went absolutely crazy. Chopped up his entire staff. Of robots. All of them robots. They say at night you can still hear the screams. Of their replicas. All of them functionally indistinguishable from the originals. No memory of the incident. Nobody knows what they’re screaming about. Absolutely terrifying. Though obviously not paranormal in any meaningful way.
Listens:
5809
Who:
Wheatley
Space? SPACE!
Listens:
5771
Who:
Core 1
I can't see a thing. What just happened? Better open fire! [click click click click] Dang!
Listens:
5764
Who:
Defective Turret
I'll tell ya, it's times like this I wish I had a waist so I could wear all my black belts. Yeah, I'm a black belt. In pretty much everything. Karate. Larate. Jiu Jitsu. Kick punching. Belt making. Taekwondo... Bedroom.
Listens:
5680
Who:
Core 2
SPACE!
Listens:
5680
Who:
Wheatley
Caroline deleted.
Listens:
5678
Who:
Announcer
Ba! Ba! Ba ba ba! Space! Ba! Ba! Ba ba ba!
Listens:
5677
Who:
Core 1
The Space Sphere will never go to space.
Listens:
5677
Who:
Core 3
Space space wanna go to space yes please space. Space space. Go to space.
Listens:
5675
Who:
Core 1
OW! You stabbed me! What is WRONG with yo-WhoOOAAahhh. Hold on. Do you have a multimeter? Nevermind. The gun must be part magnesium... It feels like I'm outputting an extra half a volt. Keep an eye on me: I'm going to do some scheming. Here I g-[BZZZ!]
Listens:
5675
Who:
GLaDOS
You messed with the wrong turret!
Listens:
5671
Who:
Defective Turret
One of these times you'll be so fat that you'll jump, and you'll just drop like a stone. Into acid, probably. Like a potato into a deep fat fryer.
Listens:
5663
Who:
GLaDOS
00:00 / 00:00
Test Player
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