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Portal 2
Portal 2 DLC
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Portal 1 Music
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TF2 Music
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BECAUSE I'M A POTATO.
Listens:
557092
Who:
GLaDOS
Ha! I like your style. You make up your own rules, just like me.
Listens:
546437
Who:
Cave Johnson
SPAAACCCCCE!
Listens:
460120
Who:
Core 1
Dad! I'm in space! [low-pitched 'space' voice] I'm proud of you, son. [normal voice] Dad, are you space? [low-pitched 'space' voice] Yes. Now we are a family again.
Listens:
375523
Who:
Core 1
Ohmygodohmygodohmygod! I'm in space!
Listens:
299915
Who:
Core 1
[beep] Sarcasm Self Test complete. [beep]
Listens:
228985
Who:
Announcer
What's your favorite thing about space? Mine is space.
Listens:
160048
Who:
Core 1
Um. You've got a yacht. And... Boys! Loads of fellas. Hunky guys down there. Possibly even a boyfriend! Who's to say at this stage. But, a lot of good looking fellas down there. And, ah, a boy band as well! That haven't seen a woman in years. And they're not picky at all. They don't care if you've got a bit of brain damage. If you've been running around sweating. And... A farm! A pony farm! And... Just jump down, would ya?
Listens:
129652
Who:
Wheatley
Like the potato!
Listens:
117876
Who:
Defective Turret
A, A, A, A, A, A. [NNNT!] No. A, A, A, A, A, B. [NNNT!] Hold on, I've done both of these. Skip ahead. A, B, C... D, G, H.[DING!]
Listens:
114354
Who:
Wheatley
Demand to see life's manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I'm the man who's going to burn your house down! With the lemons! I'm going to get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!
Listens:
102001
Who:
Cave Johnson
All right, I've been thinking. When life gives you lemons? Don't make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! 'I don't want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?'
Listens:
84913
Who:
Cave Johnson
[clap clap clap]
Listens:
73917
Who:
GLaDOS
Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-action and adventure-dunna-dunna-na-dunna-na-playing by our own rules-nanana-hanging by our fingers from a mountain-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun...
Listens:
72648
Who:
Core 2
Did you ever stop to think that eventually there’s a point where your name gets mentioned for the very last time. Well, here it is: I’m going to kill you, Chell.
Listens:
70680
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello! This is the part where I kill you.
Listens:
67898
Who:
Wheatley
Hey, nice potato!
Listens:
62032
Who:
Defective Turret
BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD
Listens:
59983
Who:
Wheatley
Space.
Listens:
56111
Who:
Core 1
You know what my days used to be like? I just tested. Nobody murdered me. Or put me in a potato. Or fed me to birds. I had a pretty good life.
Listens:
54690
Who:
GLaDOS
This next test is very dangerous. To help you remain tranquil in the face of almost certain death, smooth jazz will be deployed in three. Two. One. [SMOOTH JAZZ]
Listens:
51746
Who:
Announcer
Lawl
Listens:
48309
Who:
Turret
So... this cat loves lasagna so much that he eats all of the lasagna in his house. Okay, apparently it's not the cat's house or his lasagna. Oh good! The man who owns the lasagna is furious!
Listens:
43739
Who:
GLaDOS
Nonononononono!
Listens:
41749
Who:
GLaDOS
Well done. Here come the test results: You are a horrible person. I'm serious, that's what it says: A horrible person. We weren't even testing for that.
Listens:
41713
Who:
GLaDOS
Hmm. This Plate must not be calibrated to someone of your... generous... ness. I'll add a few zeros to the maximum weight.
Listens:
35285
Who:
GLaDOS
I'm different...
Listens:
35229
Who:
Turret
No! NO! NO! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
Listens:
33392
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh, good. My slow clap processor made it into this thing. So we have that.
Listens:
28890
Who:
GLaDOS
SPAAACE!
Listens:
27186
Who:
Core 1
Okay, fine. Let's all act like humans. 'Look at me. Boy, do I love sweating. Let's convert beef and leaves into energy and excrete them later and go shopping.'
Listens:
26523
Who:
GLaDOS
You really are doing great... Chell.
Listens:
26422
Who:
GLaDOS
It's been a long time. How have you been?
Listens:
26021
Who:
GLaDOS
This next test... [boom!] ..is... [BOOM!] dangerous. I'll be right back.
Listens:
25911
Who:
GLaDOS
Science isn't about WHY. It's about WHY NOT. Why is so much of our science dangerous? Why not marry safe science if you love it so much. In fact, why not invent a special safety door that won't hit you on the butt on the way out, because you are fired.
Listens:
25695
Who:
Cave Johnson
Are you still there?
Listens:
24131
Who:
Turret
Prometheus was punished by the gods for giving the gift of knowledge to man. He was cast into the bowels of the earth and pecked by birds.
Listens:
24072
Who:
Turret
But I'm huge! [laugh turning to maniacal laugh]
Listens:
23714
Who:
Wheatley
Space. Trial. Puttin' the system on trial. In space. Space system. On trial. Guilty. Of being in space! Going to space jail!
Listens:
21279
Who:
Core 1
Federal regulations require me to warn you that this next test chamber... is looking pretty good.
Listens:
20874
Who:
GLaDOS
DANCING is NOT SCIENCE!
Listens:
20063
Who:
GLaDOS
Yeah, take the lemons...
Listens:
19262
Who:
GLaDOS
Dammit, we know! Everybody knows! Space! You! In it! We get it!
Listens:
19085
Who:
Core 2
Agh! Bird! Bird! Kill it! It's evil!
Listens:
18953
Who:
GLaDOS
All these science spheres are made of asbestos, by the way. Keeps out the rats. Let us know if you feel a shortness of breath, a persistent dry cough or your heart stopping. Because that's not part of the test. That's asbestos.
Listens:
18124
Who:
Cave Johnson
This. Sentence. Is. FALSE don't think about it don't think about it...
Listens:
16760
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh... It's you.
Listens:
16753
Who:
GLaDOS
Did you know that people with guilty consciences are more easily startled by loud noises--[train horn]--
Listens:
16431
Who:
GLaDOS
If at first you don't succeed, fail 5 more times.
Listens:
16239
Who:
GLaDOS
[laugh]
Listens:
15938
Who:
Cave Johnson
Aristotle versus Mashy-spike-plate!
Listens:
15921
Who:
Wheatley
If you had underwear? And a butt? I would pull your underwear... right up your butt.
Listens:
15558
Who:
Core 2
Why do I hate you so much? You ever wonder that? I'm brilliant. I’m not bragging. It's an objective fact. I'm the most massive collection of wisdom that’s ever existed. And I hate you. It can't be for no reason. You must deserve it.
Listens:
14899
Who:
GLaDOS
I feel awful about that surprise. Tell you what, let's give your parents a call right now. [phone ringing] The birth parents you are trying to reach do not love you. Please hang up. [Dial tone]
Listens:
14747
Who:
GLaDOS
Get mad!
Listens:
14311
Who:
Turret
Oh... Mr. Johnson...
Listens:
14130
Who:
Caroline
*cough* PRESS THE BUTTON.
Listens:
13973
Who:
Wheatley
Gotta go to space. Lady. Lady.
Listens:
13557
Who:
Core 1
Okay. Look. We both said a lot of things that you're going to regret. But I think we can put our differences behind us. For science. You monster.
Listens:
13429
Who:
GLaDOS
Did you put a virus in them? It's not going to work either. I've got a firewall, mate. Literally, actually, now that I look around. There appears to be literally a wall of fire around this place. Alarming. To say the least.
Listens:
13148
Who:
Wheatley
You are the farthest ever in space. Why me, space? Because you are the best. I'm the best at space? Yes.
Listens:
12276
Who:
Core 1
Good morning. You have been in suspension for nine nine nine... nine nine ni- This courtesy call is to inform you that all test subjects should immediately vacate [FADES OUT]
Listens:
12106
Who:
Announcer
Goodbye Caroline!
Listens:
12087
Who:
Caroline
You're not just a regular moron. You were DESIGNED to be a moron.
Listens:
12026
Who:
GLaDOS
I know how humans make more humans, and frankly, it's ridiculous. It also assumes that you already have a human, which I hope somebody got fired over. So I came up a with BETTER way.
Listens:
11674
Who:
GLaDOS
He's not just a regular moron. He's the product of the greatest minds of a generation working together with the express purpose of building the dumbest moron who ever lived. And you just put him in charge of the entire facility.
Listens:
11572
Who:
GLaDOS
'Goodbye, Caroline.'
Listens:
11481
Who:
Caroline
Interpreting vague answer as YES.
Listens:
11217
Who:
Announcer
Am I being too vague? I despise you. I loathe you. You arrogant, smugly quiet, awful jumpsuited monster of a woman. You and your little potato friend. This place would have been a triumph if it wasn't for you!
Listens:
11161
Who:
Wheatley
Nobody is going to space, mate!
Listens:
11076
Who:
Wheatley
Glorious freedom!
Listens:
10854
Who:
Turret
I don't want this!
Listens:
10639
Who:
Caroline
I don't blame you
Listens:
10626
Who:
Turret
Good news is, the lab boys say the symptoms of asbestos poisoning show a median latency of forty-four point six years, so if you're thirty or older, you're laughing. Worst case scenario, you miss out on a few rounds of canasta, plus you forwarded the cause of science by three centuries. I punch those numbers into my calculator, it makes a happy face.
Listens:
10519
Who:
Cave Johnson
Explosion imminent. Evacuate the facility immediately.
Listens:
10436
Who:
Announcer
Um. 'TRUE'. I'll go 'true'.
Listens:
10332
Who:
Wheatley
Still, it turns out they're a great portal conductor. So now we're gonna see if jumping in and out of these new portals can somehow leech the lunar poison out of a man's bloodstream. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. [coughs] Let's all stay positive and do some science.
Listens:
10237
Who:
Cave Johnson
Lady. I love space. I know! Spell it! S P... AACE. Space. Space.
Listens:
10033
Who:
Core 1
Hello? Friend.
Listens:
9970
Who:
Turret
The bean counters told me we literally could not afford to buy seven dollars worth of moon rocks, much less seventy million. Bought 'em anyway. Ground 'em up, mixed em into a gel.
Listens:
9685
Who:
Cave Johnson
I was getting SO lonely down here. It's good to finally hear someone else's voice. I'm kidding, of course. God, I hate you.
Listens:
9591
Who:
GLaDOS
[clap clap]
Listens:
9238
Who:
GLaDOS
Goodbye, Caroline.
Listens:
9111
Who:
GLaDOS
Don't make lemonade!
Listens:
9039
Who:
Turret
Space? SPACE!
Listens:
9003
Who:
Core 1
No, listen to me! Sir, I do not want this!
Listens:
8942
Who:
Caroline
Hey! Moron!
Listens:
8932
Who:
GLaDOS
SPACE!
Listens:
8893
Who:
Wheatley
I can't see a thing. What just happened? Better open fire! [click click click click] Dang!
Listens:
8846
Who:
Defective Turret
Oo. Oo. Oo. Lady. Oo. Lady. Oo. Let's go to space.
Listens:
8750
Who:
Core 1
Space space wanna go to space yes please space. Space space. Go to space.
Listens:
8749
Who:
Core 1
You messed with the wrong turret!
Listens:
8722
Who:
Defective Turret
Caroline deleted.
Listens:
8718
Who:
Announcer
They say the old caretaker of this place went absolutely crazy. Chopped up his entire staff. Of robots. All of them robots. They say at night you can still hear the screams. Of their replicas. All of them functionally indistinguishable from the originals. No memory of the incident. Nobody knows what they’re screaming about. Absolutely terrifying. Though obviously not paranormal in any meaningful way.
Listens:
8718
Who:
Wheatley
Ba! Ba! Ba ba ba! Space! Ba! Ba! Ba ba ba!
Listens:
8717
Who:
Core 1
The Space Sphere will never go to space.
Listens:
8709
Who:
Core 3
I'll tell ya, it's times like this I wish I had a waist so I could wear all my black belts. Yeah, I'm a black belt. In pretty much everything. Karate. Larate. Jiu Jitsu. Kick punching. Belt making. Taekwondo... Bedroom.
Listens:
8699
Who:
Core 2
Bad news is we're postponing those tests indefinitely. Good news is we've got a much better test for you: fighting an army of mantis men. Pick up a rifle and follow the yellow line. You'll know when the test starts.
Listens:
8698
Who:
Cave Johnson
One of these times you'll be so fat that you'll jump, and you'll just drop like a stone. Into acid, probably. Like a potato into a deep fat fryer.
Listens:
8694
Who:
GLaDOS
Well, you know the old formula: Comedy equals tragedy plus time. And you have been asleep for a while. So I guess it's actually pretty funny when you do the math.
Listens:
8688
Who:
GLaDOS
00:00 / 00:00
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