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Portal 2
Portal 2 DLC
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Portal 1 Music
Team Fortress 2
TF2 Music
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BECAUSE I'M A POTATO.
Listens:
679523
Who:
GLaDOS
Ha! I like your style. You make up your own rules, just like me.
Listens:
612942
Who:
Cave Johnson
SPAAACCCCCE!
Listens:
536411
Who:
Core 1
Dad! I'm in space! [low-pitched 'space' voice] I'm proud of you, son. [normal voice] Dad, are you space? [low-pitched 'space' voice] Yes. Now we are a family again.
Listens:
426323
Who:
Core 1
Ohmygodohmygodohmygod! I'm in space!
Listens:
345219
Who:
Core 1
[beep] Sarcasm Self Test complete. [beep]
Listens:
278639
Who:
Announcer
What's your favorite thing about space? Mine is space.
Listens:
193177
Who:
Core 1
Um. You've got a yacht. And... Boys! Loads of fellas. Hunky guys down there. Possibly even a boyfriend! Who's to say at this stage. But, a lot of good looking fellas down there. And, ah, a boy band as well! That haven't seen a woman in years. And they're not picky at all. They don't care if you've got a bit of brain damage. If you've been running around sweating. And... A farm! A pony farm! And... Just jump down, would ya?
Listens:
164447
Who:
Wheatley
Like the potato!
Listens:
158131
Who:
Defective Turret
A, A, A, A, A, A. [NNNT!] No. A, A, A, A, A, B. [NNNT!] Hold on, I've done both of these. Skip ahead. A, B, C... D, G, H.[DING!]
Listens:
148240
Who:
Wheatley
Demand to see life's manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I'm the man who's going to burn your house down! With the lemons! I'm going to get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!
Listens:
129948
Who:
Cave Johnson
All right, I've been thinking. When life gives you lemons? Don't make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! 'I don't want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?'
Listens:
107314
Who:
Cave Johnson
[clap clap clap]
Listens:
107118
Who:
GLaDOS
Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-action and adventure-dunna-dunna-na-dunna-na-playing by our own rules-nanana-hanging by our fingers from a mountain-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun...
Listens:
98923
Who:
Core 2
Did you ever stop to think that eventually there’s a point where your name gets mentioned for the very last time. Well, here it is: I’m going to kill you, Chell.
Listens:
91446
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello! This is the part where I kill you.
Listens:
89611
Who:
Wheatley
BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD
Listens:
85537
Who:
Wheatley
Hey, nice potato!
Listens:
83874
Who:
Defective Turret
Space.
Listens:
83455
Who:
Core 1
You know what my days used to be like? I just tested. Nobody murdered me. Or put me in a potato. Or fed me to birds. I had a pretty good life.
Listens:
72574
Who:
GLaDOS
Lawl
Listens:
71474
Who:
Turret
This next test is very dangerous. To help you remain tranquil in the face of almost certain death, smooth jazz will be deployed in three. Two. One. [SMOOTH JAZZ]
Listens:
67603
Who:
Announcer
Well done. Here come the test results: You are a horrible person. I'm serious, that's what it says: A horrible person. We weren't even testing for that.
Listens:
61028
Who:
GLaDOS
Nonononononono!
Listens:
58732
Who:
GLaDOS
So... this cat loves lasagna so much that he eats all of the lasagna in his house. Okay, apparently it's not the cat's house or his lasagna. Oh good! The man who owns the lasagna is furious!
Listens:
57195
Who:
GLaDOS
I'm different...
Listens:
55124
Who:
Turret
No! NO! NO! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
Listens:
51039
Who:
GLaDOS
Hmm. This Plate must not be calibrated to someone of your... generous... ness. I'll add a few zeros to the maximum weight.
Listens:
45182
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh, good. My slow clap processor made it into this thing. So we have that.
Listens:
43742
Who:
GLaDOS
Are you still there?
Listens:
43062
Who:
Turret
SPAAACE!
Listens:
41391
Who:
Core 1
This next test... [boom!] ..is... [BOOM!] dangerous. I'll be right back.
Listens:
38977
Who:
GLaDOS
Science isn't about WHY. It's about WHY NOT. Why is so much of our science dangerous? Why not marry safe science if you love it so much. In fact, why not invent a special safety door that won't hit you on the butt on the way out, because you are fired.
Listens:
38307
Who:
Cave Johnson
Okay, fine. Let's all act like humans. 'Look at me. Boy, do I love sweating. Let's convert beef and leaves into energy and excrete them later and go shopping.'
Listens:
37435
Who:
GLaDOS
It's been a long time. How have you been?
Listens:
37146
Who:
GLaDOS
You really are doing great... Chell.
Listens:
35324
Who:
GLaDOS
Prometheus was punished by the gods for giving the gift of knowledge to man. He was cast into the bowels of the earth and pecked by birds.
Listens:
33632
Who:
Turret
DANCING is NOT SCIENCE!
Listens:
33388
Who:
GLaDOS
But I'm huge! [laugh turning to maniacal laugh]
Listens:
31196
Who:
Wheatley
Oh... It's you.
Listens:
30621
Who:
GLaDOS
Yeah, take the lemons...
Listens:
29388
Who:
GLaDOS
Space. Trial. Puttin' the system on trial. In space. Space system. On trial. Guilty. Of being in space! Going to space jail!
Listens:
29273
Who:
Core 1
Agh! Bird! Bird! Kill it! It's evil!
Listens:
28632
Who:
GLaDOS
Federal regulations require me to warn you that this next test chamber... is looking pretty good.
Listens:
27312
Who:
GLaDOS
[laugh]
Listens:
26331
Who:
Cave Johnson
Dammit, we know! Everybody knows! Space! You! In it! We get it!
Listens:
25822
Who:
Core 2
All these science spheres are made of asbestos, by the way. Keeps out the rats. Let us know if you feel a shortness of breath, a persistent dry cough or your heart stopping. Because that's not part of the test. That's asbestos.
Listens:
25587
Who:
Cave Johnson
This. Sentence. Is. FALSE don't think about it don't think about it...
Listens:
24799
Who:
GLaDOS
Get mad!
Listens:
24555
Who:
Turret
*cough* PRESS THE BUTTON.
Listens:
24381
Who:
Wheatley
Did you know that people with guilty consciences are more easily startled by loud noises--[train horn]--
Listens:
24224
Who:
GLaDOS
If at first you don't succeed, fail 5 more times.
Listens:
23388
Who:
GLaDOS
I feel awful about that surprise. Tell you what, let's give your parents a call right now. [phone ringing] The birth parents you are trying to reach do not love you. Please hang up. [Dial tone]
Listens:
22949
Who:
GLaDOS
Why do I hate you so much? You ever wonder that? I'm brilliant. I’m not bragging. It's an objective fact. I'm the most massive collection of wisdom that’s ever existed. And I hate you. It can't be for no reason. You must deserve it.
Listens:
22771
Who:
GLaDOS
Aristotle versus Mashy-spike-plate!
Listens:
22288
Who:
Wheatley
If you had underwear? And a butt? I would pull your underwear... right up your butt.
Listens:
21755
Who:
Core 2
Okay. Look. We both said a lot of things that you're going to regret. But I think we can put our differences behind us. For science. You monster.
Listens:
21167
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh... Mr. Johnson...
Listens:
20946
Who:
Caroline
Gotta go to space. Lady. Lady.
Listens:
20486
Who:
Core 1
Good morning. You have been in suspension for nine nine nine... nine nine ni- This courtesy call is to inform you that all test subjects should immediately vacate [FADES OUT]
Listens:
20107
Who:
Announcer
Hello? Friend.
Listens:
19941
Who:
Turret
He's not just a regular moron. He's the product of the greatest minds of a generation working together with the express purpose of building the dumbest moron who ever lived. And you just put him in charge of the entire facility.
Listens:
19669
Who:
GLaDOS
Goodbye Caroline!
Listens:
19102
Who:
Caroline
Did you put a virus in them? It's not going to work either. I've got a firewall, mate. Literally, actually, now that I look around. There appears to be literally a wall of fire around this place. Alarming. To say the least.
Listens:
18751
Who:
Wheatley
You're not just a regular moron. You were DESIGNED to be a moron.
Listens:
18694
Who:
GLaDOS
Interpreting vague answer as YES.
Listens:
18466
Who:
Announcer
I don't blame you
Listens:
18163
Who:
Turret
I know how humans make more humans, and frankly, it's ridiculous. It also assumes that you already have a human, which I hope somebody got fired over. So I came up a with BETTER way.
Listens:
18110
Who:
GLaDOS
'Goodbye, Caroline.'
Listens:
18047
Who:
Caroline
Explosion imminent. Evacuate the facility immediately.
Listens:
18044
Who:
Announcer
Glorious freedom!
Listens:
18014
Who:
Turret
You are the farthest ever in space. Why me, space? Because you are the best. I'm the best at space? Yes.
Listens:
17727
Who:
Core 1
Am I being too vague? I despise you. I loathe you. You arrogant, smugly quiet, awful jumpsuited monster of a woman. You and your little potato friend. This place would have been a triumph if it wasn't for you!
Listens:
16471
Who:
Wheatley
Nobody is going to space, mate!
Listens:
16443
Who:
Wheatley
Hey! Moron!
Listens:
16368
Who:
GLaDOS
Good news is, the lab boys say the symptoms of asbestos poisoning show a median latency of forty-four point six years, so if you're thirty or older, you're laughing. Worst case scenario, you miss out on a few rounds of canasta, plus you forwarded the cause of science by three centuries. I punch those numbers into my calculator, it makes a happy face.
Listens:
16241
Who:
Cave Johnson
Lady. I love space. I know! Spell it! S P... AACE. Space. Space.
Listens:
16121
Who:
Core 1
Space? SPACE!
Listens:
15960
Who:
Core 1
I can't see a thing. What just happened? Better open fire! [click click click click] Dang!
Listens:
15529
Who:
Defective Turret
[clap clap]
Listens:
15515
Who:
GLaDOS
Um. 'TRUE'. I'll go 'true'.
Listens:
15500
Who:
Wheatley
SPACE!
Listens:
15470
Who:
Wheatley
Don't make lemonade!
Listens:
15432
Who:
Turret
Caroline deleted.
Listens:
15049
Who:
Announcer
I was getting SO lonely down here. It's good to finally hear someone else's voice. I'm kidding, of course. God, I hate you.
Listens:
14999
Who:
GLaDOS
Still, it turns out they're a great portal conductor. So now we're gonna see if jumping in and out of these new portals can somehow leech the lunar poison out of a man's bloodstream. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. [coughs] Let's all stay positive and do some science.
Listens:
14769
Who:
Cave Johnson
Goodbye, Caroline.
Listens:
14737
Who:
GLaDOS
I don't want this!
Listens:
14689
Who:
Caroline
Ba! Ba! Ba ba ba! Space! Ba! Ba! Ba ba ba!
Listens:
14501
Who:
Core 1
You messed with the wrong turret!
Listens:
14310
Who:
Defective Turret
Oo. Oo. Oo. Lady. Oo. Lady. Oo. Let's go to space.
Listens:
14024
Who:
Core 1
The bean counters told me we literally could not afford to buy seven dollars worth of moon rocks, much less seventy million. Bought 'em anyway. Ground 'em up, mixed em into a gel.
Listens:
13902
Who:
Cave Johnson
Space space wanna go to space yes please space. Space space. Go to space.
Listens:
13851
Who:
Core 1
The Space Sphere will never go to space.
Listens:
13818
Who:
Core 3
Well, you know the old formula: Comedy equals tragedy plus time. And you have been asleep for a while. So I guess it's actually pretty funny when you do the math.
Listens:
13818
Who:
GLaDOS
They say the old caretaker of this place went absolutely crazy. Chopped up his entire staff. Of robots. All of them robots. They say at night you can still hear the screams. Of their replicas. All of them functionally indistinguishable from the originals. No memory of the incident. Nobody knows what they’re screaming about. Absolutely terrifying. Though obviously not paranormal in any meaningful way.
Listens:
13818
Who:
Wheatley
One of these times you'll be so fat that you'll jump, and you'll just drop like a stone. Into acid, probably. Like a potato into a deep fat fryer.
Listens:
13813
Who:
GLaDOS
I'll tell ya, it's times like this I wish I had a waist so I could wear all my black belts. Yeah, I'm a black belt. In pretty much everything. Karate. Larate. Jiu Jitsu. Kick punching. Belt making. Taekwondo... Bedroom.
Listens:
13810
Who:
Core 2
Bad news is we're postponing those tests indefinitely. Good news is we've got a much better test for you: fighting an army of mantis men. Pick up a rifle and follow the yellow line. You'll know when the test starts.
Listens:
13809
Who:
Cave Johnson
No, listen to me! Sir, I do not want this!
Listens:
13808
Who:
Caroline
00:00 / 00:00
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