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Portal 2
Portal 2 DLC
Portal 2 PTI
Portal 2 Music
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Portal 1 Music
Team Fortress 2
TF2 Music
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Ha! I like your style. You make up your own rules, just like me.
Listens:
478522
Who:
Cave Johnson
BECAUSE I'M A POTATO.
Listens:
478522
Who:
GLaDOS
SPAAACCCCCE!
Listens:
395495
Who:
Core 1
Dad! I'm in space! [low-pitched 'space' voice] I'm proud of you, son. [normal voice] Dad, are you space? [low-pitched 'space' voice] Yes. Now we are a family again.
Listens:
323059
Who:
Core 1
Ohmygodohmygodohmygod! I'm in space!
Listens:
261125
Who:
Core 1
[beep] Sarcasm Self Test complete. [beep]
Listens:
197022
Who:
Announcer
What's your favorite thing about space? Mine is space.
Listens:
137119
Who:
Core 1
Um. You've got a yacht. And... Boys! Loads of fellas. Hunky guys down there. Possibly even a boyfriend! Who's to say at this stage. But, a lot of good looking fellas down there. And, ah, a boy band as well! That haven't seen a woman in years. And they're not picky at all. They don't care if you've got a bit of brain damage. If you've been running around sweating. And... A farm! A pony farm! And... Just jump down, would ya?
Listens:
107527
Who:
Wheatley
Like the potato!
Listens:
96463
Who:
Defective Turret
A, A, A, A, A, A. [NNNT!] No. A, A, A, A, A, B. [NNNT!] Hold on, I've done both of these. Skip ahead. A, B, C... D, G, H.[DING!]
Listens:
94031
Who:
Wheatley
Demand to see life's manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I'm the man who's going to burn your house down! With the lemons! I'm going to get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!
Listens:
85069
Who:
Cave Johnson
All right, I've been thinking. When life gives you lemons? Don't make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! 'I don't want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?'
Listens:
71251
Who:
Cave Johnson
Did you ever stop to think that eventually there’s a point where your name gets mentioned for the very last time. Well, here it is: I’m going to kill you, Chell.
Listens:
58534
Who:
GLaDOS
Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-action and adventure-dunna-dunna-na-dunna-na-playing by our own rules-nanana-hanging by our fingers from a mountain-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun...
Listens:
57005
Who:
Core 2
[clap clap clap]
Listens:
57004
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello! This is the part where I kill you.
Listens:
55710
Who:
Wheatley
Hey, nice potato!
Listens:
51359
Who:
Defective Turret
BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD
Listens:
48181
Who:
Wheatley
Space.
Listens:
44165
Who:
Core 1
This next test is very dangerous. To help you remain tranquil in the face of almost certain death, smooth jazz will be deployed in three. Two. One. [SMOOTH JAZZ]
Listens:
42233
Who:
Announcer
You know what my days used to be like? I just tested. Nobody murdered me. Or put me in a potato. Or fed me to birds. I had a pretty good life.
Listens:
41381
Who:
GLaDOS
Lawl
Listens:
38392
Who:
Turret
So... this cat loves lasagna so much that he eats all of the lasagna in his house. Okay, apparently it's not the cat's house or his lasagna. Oh good! The man who owns the lasagna is furious!
Listens:
36066
Who:
GLaDOS
Nonononononono!
Listens:
33938
Who:
GLaDOS
Well done. Here come the test results: You are a horrible person. I'm serious, that's what it says: A horrible person. We weren't even testing for that.
Listens:
29748
Who:
GLaDOS
Hmm. This Plate must not be calibrated to someone of your... generous... ness. I'll add a few zeros to the maximum weight.
Listens:
29523
Who:
GLaDOS
I'm different...
Listens:
27629
Who:
Turret
No! NO! NO! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
Listens:
25565
Who:
GLaDOS
You really are doing great... Chell.
Listens:
21363
Who:
GLaDOS
Okay, fine. Let's all act like humans. 'Look at me. Boy, do I love sweating. Let's convert beef and leaves into energy and excrete them later and go shopping.'
Listens:
20688
Who:
GLaDOS
SPAAACE!
Listens:
20663
Who:
Core 1
This next test... [boom!] ..is... [BOOM!] dangerous. I'll be right back.
Listens:
20210
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh, good. My slow clap processor made it into this thing. So we have that.
Listens:
19636
Who:
GLaDOS
It's been a long time. How have you been?
Listens:
19634
Who:
GLaDOS
But I'm huge! [laugh turning to maniacal laugh]
Listens:
19238
Who:
Wheatley
Science isn't about WHY. It's about WHY NOT. Why is so much of our science dangerous? Why not marry safe science if you love it so much. In fact, why not invent a special safety door that won't hit you on the butt on the way out, because you are fired.
Listens:
17587
Who:
Cave Johnson
Federal regulations require me to warn you that this next test chamber... is looking pretty good.
Listens:
17519
Who:
GLaDOS
Prometheus was punished by the gods for giving the gift of knowledge to man. He was cast into the bowels of the earth and pecked by birds.
Listens:
17419
Who:
Turret
Space. Trial. Puttin' the system on trial. In space. Space system. On trial. Guilty. Of being in space! Going to space jail!
Listens:
16354
Who:
Core 1
Are you still there?
Listens:
15745
Who:
Turret
Dammit, we know! Everybody knows! Space! You! In it! We get it!
Listens:
15358
Who:
Core 2
DANCING is NOT SCIENCE!
Listens:
14847
Who:
GLaDOS
Yeah, take the lemons...
Listens:
14819
Who:
GLaDOS
Agh! Bird! Bird! Kill it! It's evil!
Listens:
14692
Who:
GLaDOS
All these science spheres are made of asbestos, by the way. Keeps out the rats. Let us know if you feel a shortness of breath, a persistent dry cough or your heart stopping. Because that's not part of the test. That's asbestos.
Listens:
13992
Who:
Cave Johnson
If at first you don't succeed, fail 5 more times.
Listens:
12996
Who:
GLaDOS
Did you know that people with guilty consciences are more easily startled by loud noises--[train horn]--
Listens:
12789
Who:
GLaDOS
Aristotle versus Mashy-spike-plate!
Listens:
12684
Who:
Wheatley
This. Sentence. Is. FALSE don't think about it don't think about it...
Listens:
12632
Who:
GLaDOS
[laugh]
Listens:
12227
Who:
Cave Johnson
Oh... It's you.
Listens:
11553
Who:
GLaDOS
If you had underwear? And a butt? I would pull your underwear... right up your butt.
Listens:
11546
Who:
Core 2
I feel awful about that surprise. Tell you what, let's give your parents a call right now. [phone ringing] The birth parents you are trying to reach do not love you. Please hang up. [Dial tone]
Listens:
11282
Who:
GLaDOS
Why do I hate you so much? You ever wonder that? I'm brilliant. I’m not bragging. It's an objective fact. I'm the most massive collection of wisdom that’s ever existed. And I hate you. It can't be for no reason. You must deserve it.
Listens:
11039
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh... Mr. Johnson...
Listens:
10810
Who:
Caroline
Gotta go to space. Lady. Lady.
Listens:
10347
Who:
Core 1
Get mad!
Listens:
10114
Who:
Turret
Did you put a virus in them? It's not going to work either. I've got a firewall, mate. Literally, actually, now that I look around. There appears to be literally a wall of fire around this place. Alarming. To say the least.
Listens:
10113
Who:
Wheatley
*cough* PRESS THE BUTTON.
Listens:
10108
Who:
Wheatley
Goodbye Caroline!
Listens:
9235
Who:
Caroline
You are the farthest ever in space. Why me, space? Because you are the best. I'm the best at space? Yes.
Listens:
9226
Who:
Core 1
You're not just a regular moron. You were DESIGNED to be a moron.
Listens:
9009
Who:
GLaDOS
I know how humans make more humans, and frankly, it's ridiculous. It also assumes that you already have a human, which I hope somebody got fired over. So I came up a with BETTER way.
Listens:
8915
Who:
GLaDOS
'Goodbye, Caroline.'
Listens:
8646
Who:
Caroline
Good morning. You have been in suspension for nine nine nine... nine nine ni- This courtesy call is to inform you that all test subjects should immediately vacate [FADES OUT]
Listens:
8496
Who:
Announcer
Nobody is going to space, mate!
Listens:
8489
Who:
Wheatley
Okay. Look. We both said a lot of things that you're going to regret. But I think we can put our differences behind us. For science. You monster.
Listens:
8449
Who:
GLaDOS
He's not just a regular moron. He's the product of the greatest minds of a generation working together with the express purpose of building the dumbest moron who ever lived. And you just put him in charge of the entire facility.
Listens:
8424
Who:
GLaDOS
Am I being too vague? I despise you. I loathe you. You arrogant, smugly quiet, awful jumpsuited monster of a woman. You and your little potato friend. This place would have been a triumph if it wasn't for you!
Listens:
8364
Who:
Wheatley
Interpreting vague answer as YES.
Listens:
8357
Who:
Announcer
I don't want this!
Listens:
8259
Who:
Caroline
Um. 'TRUE'. I'll go 'true'.
Listens:
8092
Who:
Wheatley
Glorious freedom!
Listens:
7889
Who:
Turret
Still, it turns out they're a great portal conductor. So now we're gonna see if jumping in and out of these new portals can somehow leech the lunar poison out of a man's bloodstream. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. [coughs] Let's all stay positive and do some science.
Listens:
7815
Who:
Cave Johnson
Good news is, the lab boys say the symptoms of asbestos poisoning show a median latency of forty-four point six years, so if you're thirty or older, you're laughing. Worst case scenario, you miss out on a few rounds of canasta, plus you forwarded the cause of science by three centuries. I punch those numbers into my calculator, it makes a happy face.
Listens:
7729
Who:
Cave Johnson
Explosion imminent. Evacuate the facility immediately.
Listens:
7653
Who:
Announcer
The bean counters told me we literally could not afford to buy seven dollars worth of moon rocks, much less seventy million. Bought 'em anyway. Ground 'em up, mixed em into a gel.
Listens:
7653
Who:
Cave Johnson
I don't blame you
Listens:
7653
Who:
Turret
Lady. I love space. I know! Spell it! S P... AACE. Space. Space.
Listens:
7487
Who:
Core 1
No, listen to me! Sir, I do not want this!
Listens:
7154
Who:
Caroline
I was getting SO lonely down here. It's good to finally hear someone else's voice. I'm kidding, of course. God, I hate you.
Listens:
7037
Who:
GLaDOS
Goodbye, Caroline.
Listens:
6731
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello? Friend.
Listens:
6541
Who:
Turret
Bad news is we're postponing those tests indefinitely. Good news is we've got a much better test for you: fighting an army of mantis men. Pick up a rifle and follow the yellow line. You'll know when the test starts.
Listens:
6537
Who:
Cave Johnson
Don't make lemonade!
Listens:
6494
Who:
Turret
Hey! Moron!
Listens:
6355
Who:
GLaDOS
[clap clap]
Listens:
6237
Who:
GLaDOS
They say the old caretaker of this place went absolutely crazy. Chopped up his entire staff. Of robots. All of them robots. They say at night you can still hear the screams. Of their replicas. All of them functionally indistinguishable from the originals. No memory of the incident. Nobody knows what they’re screaming about. Absolutely terrifying. Though obviously not paranormal in any meaningful way.
Listens:
6182
Who:
Wheatley
Oo. Oo. Oo. Lady. Oo. Lady. Oo. Let's go to space.
Listens:
6154
Who:
Core 1
I can't see a thing. What just happened? Better open fire! [click click click click] Dang!
Listens:
6121
Who:
Defective Turret
Space? SPACE!
Listens:
6113
Who:
Core 1
OW! You stabbed me! What is WRONG with yo-WhoOOAAahhh. Hold on. Do you have a multimeter? Nevermind. The gun must be part magnesium... It feels like I'm outputting an extra half a volt. Keep an eye on me: I'm going to do some scheming. Here I g-[BZZZ!]
Listens:
6080
Who:
GLaDOS
Ba! Ba! Ba ba ba! Space! Ba! Ba! Ba ba ba!
Listens:
6066
Who:
Core 1
Caroline deleted.
Listens:
6064
Who:
Announcer
I'll tell ya, it's times like this I wish I had a waist so I could wear all my black belts. Yeah, I'm a black belt. In pretty much everything. Karate. Larate. Jiu Jitsu. Kick punching. Belt making. Taekwondo... Bedroom.
Listens:
6060
Who:
Core 2
SPACE!
Listens:
6059
Who:
Wheatley
Space space wanna go to space yes please space. Space space. Go to space.
Listens:
6054
Who:
Core 1
The Space Sphere will never go to space.
Listens:
6048
Who:
Core 3
One of these times you'll be so fat that you'll jump, and you'll just drop like a stone. Into acid, probably. Like a potato into a deep fat fryer.
Listens:
6047
Who:
GLaDOS
You messed with the wrong turret!
Listens:
6045
Who:
Defective Turret
00:00 / 00:00
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