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Portal 2
Portal 2 DLC
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Portal 1 Music
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TF2 Music
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BECAUSE I'M A POTATO.
Listens:
711031
Who:
GLaDOS
Ha! I like your style. You make up your own rules, just like me.
Listens:
626696
Who:
Cave Johnson
SPAAACCCCCE!
Listens:
554296
Who:
Core 1
Dad! I'm in space! [low-pitched 'space' voice] I'm proud of you, son. [normal voice] Dad, are you space? [low-pitched 'space' voice] Yes. Now we are a family again.
Listens:
438487
Who:
Core 1
Ohmygodohmygodohmygod! I'm in space!
Listens:
355805
Who:
Core 1
[beep] Sarcasm Self Test complete. [beep]
Listens:
290587
Who:
Announcer
What's your favorite thing about space? Mine is space.
Listens:
200593
Who:
Core 1
Um. You've got a yacht. And... Boys! Loads of fellas. Hunky guys down there. Possibly even a boyfriend! Who's to say at this stage. But, a lot of good looking fellas down there. And, ah, a boy band as well! That haven't seen a woman in years. And they're not picky at all. They don't care if you've got a bit of brain damage. If you've been running around sweating. And... A farm! A pony farm! And... Just jump down, would ya?
Listens:
173608
Who:
Wheatley
Like the potato!
Listens:
167941
Who:
Defective Turret
A, A, A, A, A, A. [NNNT!] No. A, A, A, A, A, B. [NNNT!] Hold on, I've done both of these. Skip ahead. A, B, C... D, G, H.[DING!]
Listens:
157179
Who:
Wheatley
Demand to see life's manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I'm the man who's going to burn your house down! With the lemons! I'm going to get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!
Listens:
137957
Who:
Cave Johnson
[clap clap clap]
Listens:
117531
Who:
GLaDOS
All right, I've been thinking. When life gives you lemons? Don't make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! 'I don't want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?'
Listens:
113747
Who:
Cave Johnson
Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-action and adventure-dunna-dunna-na-dunna-na-playing by our own rules-nanana-hanging by our fingers from a mountain-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun...
Listens:
104159
Who:
Core 2
Did you ever stop to think that eventually there’s a point where your name gets mentioned for the very last time. Well, here it is: I’m going to kill you, Chell.
Listens:
98061
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello! This is the part where I kill you.
Listens:
96249
Who:
Wheatley
BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD
Listens:
92465
Who:
Wheatley
Space.
Listens:
90438
Who:
Core 1
Hey, nice potato!
Listens:
89582
Who:
Defective Turret
You know what my days used to be like? I just tested. Nobody murdered me. Or put me in a potato. Or fed me to birds. I had a pretty good life.
Listens:
78146
Who:
GLaDOS
Lawl
Listens:
77914
Who:
Turret
This next test is very dangerous. To help you remain tranquil in the face of almost certain death, smooth jazz will be deployed in three. Two. One. [SMOOTH JAZZ]
Listens:
72473
Who:
Announcer
Well done. Here come the test results: You are a horrible person. I'm serious, that's what it says: A horrible person. We weren't even testing for that.
Listens:
66606
Who:
GLaDOS
Nonononononono!
Listens:
64391
Who:
GLaDOS
So... this cat loves lasagna so much that he eats all of the lasagna in his house. Okay, apparently it's not the cat's house or his lasagna. Oh good! The man who owns the lasagna is furious!
Listens:
61868
Who:
GLaDOS
I'm different...
Listens:
60345
Who:
Turret
No! NO! NO! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
Listens:
60188
Who:
GLaDOS
Hmm. This Plate must not be calibrated to someone of your... generous... ness. I'll add a few zeros to the maximum weight.
Listens:
48522
Who:
GLaDOS
Are you still there?
Listens:
47939
Who:
Turret
Oh, good. My slow clap processor made it into this thing. So we have that.
Listens:
47679
Who:
GLaDOS
SPAAACE!
Listens:
45133
Who:
Core 1
This next test... [boom!] ..is... [BOOM!] dangerous. I'll be right back.
Listens:
43548
Who:
GLaDOS
Science isn't about WHY. It's about WHY NOT. Why is so much of our science dangerous? Why not marry safe science if you love it so much. In fact, why not invent a special safety door that won't hit you on the butt on the way out, because you are fired.
Listens:
42268
Who:
Cave Johnson
Okay, fine. Let's all act like humans. 'Look at me. Boy, do I love sweating. Let's convert beef and leaves into energy and excrete them later and go shopping.'
Listens:
41186
Who:
GLaDOS
It's been a long time. How have you been?
Listens:
40482
Who:
GLaDOS
DANCING is NOT SCIENCE!
Listens:
38813
Who:
GLaDOS
You really are doing great... Chell.
Listens:
37963
Who:
GLaDOS
Prometheus was punished by the gods for giving the gift of knowledge to man. He was cast into the bowels of the earth and pecked by birds.
Listens:
36909
Who:
Turret
Oh... It's you.
Listens:
35343
Who:
GLaDOS
But I'm huge! [laugh turning to maniacal laugh]
Listens:
34133
Who:
Wheatley
Yeah, take the lemons...
Listens:
32587
Who:
GLaDOS
Space. Trial. Puttin' the system on trial. In space. Space system. On trial. Guilty. Of being in space! Going to space jail!
Listens:
31761
Who:
Core 1
Agh! Bird! Bird! Kill it! It's evil!
Listens:
31759
Who:
GLaDOS
Federal regulations require me to warn you that this next test chamber... is looking pretty good.
Listens:
29911
Who:
GLaDOS
[laugh]
Listens:
29590
Who:
Cave Johnson
All these science spheres are made of asbestos, by the way. Keeps out the rats. Let us know if you feel a shortness of breath, a persistent dry cough or your heart stopping. Because that's not part of the test. That's asbestos.
Listens:
28142
Who:
Cave Johnson
Get mad!
Listens:
27983
Who:
Turret
Dammit, we know! Everybody knows! Space! You! In it! We get it!
Listens:
27954
Who:
Core 2
*cough* PRESS THE BUTTON.
Listens:
27807
Who:
Wheatley
Did you know that people with guilty consciences are more easily startled by loud noises--[train horn]--
Listens:
27796
Who:
GLaDOS
This. Sentence. Is. FALSE don't think about it don't think about it...
Listens:
27671
Who:
GLaDOS
Why do I hate you so much? You ever wonder that? I'm brilliant. I’m not bragging. It's an objective fact. I'm the most massive collection of wisdom that’s ever existed. And I hate you. It can't be for no reason. You must deserve it.
Listens:
26781
Who:
GLaDOS
If at first you don't succeed, fail 5 more times.
Listens:
25798
Who:
GLaDOS
I feel awful about that surprise. Tell you what, let's give your parents a call right now. [phone ringing] The birth parents you are trying to reach do not love you. Please hang up. [Dial tone]
Listens:
25202
Who:
GLaDOS
Aristotle versus Mashy-spike-plate!
Listens:
24506
Who:
Wheatley
Okay. Look. We both said a lot of things that you're going to regret. But I think we can put our differences behind us. For science. You monster.
Listens:
23673
Who:
GLaDOS
If you had underwear? And a butt? I would pull your underwear... right up your butt.
Listens:
23531
Who:
Core 2
Hello? Friend.
Listens:
23131
Who:
Turret
Oh... Mr. Johnson...
Listens:
23076
Who:
Caroline
Good morning. You have been in suspension for nine nine nine... nine nine ni- This courtesy call is to inform you that all test subjects should immediately vacate [FADES OUT]
Listens:
22751
Who:
Announcer
Gotta go to space. Lady. Lady.
Listens:
22569
Who:
Core 1
He's not just a regular moron. He's the product of the greatest minds of a generation working together with the express purpose of building the dumbest moron who ever lived. And you just put him in charge of the entire facility.
Listens:
22414
Who:
GLaDOS
You're not just a regular moron. You were DESIGNED to be a moron.
Listens:
21434
Who:
GLaDOS
Goodbye Caroline!
Listens:
21374
Who:
Caroline
Explosion imminent. Evacuate the facility immediately.
Listens:
21148
Who:
Announcer
Interpreting vague answer as YES.
Listens:
20717
Who:
Announcer
Did you put a virus in them? It's not going to work either. I've got a firewall, mate. Literally, actually, now that I look around. There appears to be literally a wall of fire around this place. Alarming. To say the least.
Listens:
20637
Who:
Wheatley
I don't blame you
Listens:
20504
Who:
Turret
I know how humans make more humans, and frankly, it's ridiculous. It also assumes that you already have a human, which I hope somebody got fired over. So I came up a with BETTER way.
Listens:
20351
Who:
GLaDOS
Glorious freedom!
Listens:
20154
Who:
Turret
'Goodbye, Caroline.'
Listens:
19984
Who:
Caroline
You are the farthest ever in space. Why me, space? Because you are the best. I'm the best at space? Yes.
Listens:
19311
Who:
Core 1
Hey! Moron!
Listens:
19158
Who:
GLaDOS
Space? SPACE!
Listens:
18950
Who:
Core 1
Am I being too vague? I despise you. I loathe you. You arrogant, smugly quiet, awful jumpsuited monster of a woman. You and your little potato friend. This place would have been a triumph if it wasn't for you!
Listens:
18309
Who:
Wheatley
Nobody is going to space, mate!
Listens:
18281
Who:
Wheatley
Good news is, the lab boys say the symptoms of asbestos poisoning show a median latency of forty-four point six years, so if you're thirty or older, you're laughing. Worst case scenario, you miss out on a few rounds of canasta, plus you forwarded the cause of science by three centuries. I punch those numbers into my calculator, it makes a happy face.
Listens:
18187
Who:
Cave Johnson
Lady. I love space. I know! Spell it! S P... AACE. Space. Space.
Listens:
17944
Who:
Core 1
[clap clap]
Listens:
17791
Who:
GLaDOS
SPACE!
Listens:
17514
Who:
Wheatley
I can't see a thing. What just happened? Better open fire! [click click click click] Dang!
Listens:
17486
Who:
Defective Turret
Don't make lemonade!
Listens:
17447
Who:
Turret
Caroline deleted.
Listens:
17177
Who:
Announcer
Um. 'TRUE'. I'll go 'true'.
Listens:
17101
Who:
Wheatley
I was getting SO lonely down here. It's good to finally hear someone else's voice. I'm kidding, of course. God, I hate you.
Listens:
17057
Who:
GLaDOS
Goodbye, Caroline.
Listens:
16612
Who:
GLaDOS
Still, it turns out they're a great portal conductor. So now we're gonna see if jumping in and out of these new portals can somehow leech the lunar poison out of a man's bloodstream. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. [coughs] Let's all stay positive and do some science.
Listens:
16333
Who:
Cave Johnson
Ba! Ba! Ba ba ba! Space! Ba! Ba! Ba ba ba!
Listens:
16308
Who:
Core 1
I don't want this!
Listens:
16263
Who:
Caroline
You messed with the wrong turret!
Listens:
16125
Who:
Defective Turret
Oo. Oo. Oo. Lady. Oo. Lady. Oo. Let's go to space.
Listens:
15680
Who:
Core 1
Well, you know the old formula: Comedy equals tragedy plus time. And you have been asleep for a while. So I guess it's actually pretty funny when you do the math.
Listens:
15640
Who:
GLaDOS
The bean counters told me we literally could not afford to buy seven dollars worth of moon rocks, much less seventy million. Bought 'em anyway. Ground 'em up, mixed em into a gel.
Listens:
15548
Who:
Cave Johnson
Space space wanna go to space yes please space. Space space. Go to space.
Listens:
15548
Who:
Core 1
No, listen to me! Sir, I do not want this!
Listens:
15546
Who:
Caroline
The Space Sphere will never go to space.
Listens:
15545
Who:
Core 3
Bad news is we're postponing those tests indefinitely. Good news is we've got a much better test for you: fighting an army of mantis men. Pick up a rifle and follow the yellow line. You'll know when the test starts.
Listens:
15543
Who:
Cave Johnson
They say the old caretaker of this place went absolutely crazy. Chopped up his entire staff. Of robots. All of them robots. They say at night you can still hear the screams. Of their replicas. All of them functionally indistinguishable from the originals. No memory of the incident. Nobody knows what they’re screaming about. Absolutely terrifying. Though obviously not paranormal in any meaningful way.
Listens:
15543
Who:
Wheatley
I'll tell ya, it's times like this I wish I had a waist so I could wear all my black belts. Yeah, I'm a black belt. In pretty much everything. Karate. Larate. Jiu Jitsu. Kick punching. Belt making. Taekwondo... Bedroom.
Listens:
15542
Who:
Core 2
One of these times you'll be so fat that you'll jump, and you'll just drop like a stone. Into acid, probably. Like a potato into a deep fat fryer.
Listens:
15542
Who:
GLaDOS
00:00 / 00:00
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