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Portal 2
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Portal 1 Music
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TF2 Music
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BECAUSE I'M A POTATO.
Listens:
720879
Who:
GLaDOS
Ha! I like your style. You make up your own rules, just like me.
Listens:
630915
Who:
Cave Johnson
SPAAACCCCCE!
Listens:
559768
Who:
Core 1
Dad! I'm in space! [low-pitched 'space' voice] I'm proud of you, son. [normal voice] Dad, are you space? [low-pitched 'space' voice] Yes. Now we are a family again.
Listens:
442422
Who:
Core 1
Ohmygodohmygodohmygod! I'm in space!
Listens:
359145
Who:
Core 1
[beep] Sarcasm Self Test complete. [beep]
Listens:
294319
Who:
Announcer
What's your favorite thing about space? Mine is space.
Listens:
203018
Who:
Core 1
Um. You've got a yacht. And... Boys! Loads of fellas. Hunky guys down there. Possibly even a boyfriend! Who's to say at this stage. But, a lot of good looking fellas down there. And, ah, a boy band as well! That haven't seen a woman in years. And they're not picky at all. They don't care if you've got a bit of brain damage. If you've been running around sweating. And... A farm! A pony farm! And... Just jump down, would ya?
Listens:
176664
Who:
Wheatley
Like the potato!
Listens:
171191
Who:
Defective Turret
A, A, A, A, A, A. [NNNT!] No. A, A, A, A, A, B. [NNNT!] Hold on, I've done both of these. Skip ahead. A, B, C... D, G, H.[DING!]
Listens:
160128
Who:
Wheatley
Demand to see life's manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I'm the man who's going to burn your house down! With the lemons! I'm going to get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!
Listens:
140454
Who:
Cave Johnson
[clap clap clap]
Listens:
120960
Who:
GLaDOS
All right, I've been thinking. When life gives you lemons? Don't make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! 'I don't want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?'
Listens:
115817
Who:
Cave Johnson
Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-action and adventure-dunna-dunna-na-dunna-na-playing by our own rules-nanana-hanging by our fingers from a mountain-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun...
Listens:
105816
Who:
Core 2
Did you ever stop to think that eventually there’s a point where your name gets mentioned for the very last time. Well, here it is: I’m going to kill you, Chell.
Listens:
100101
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello! This is the part where I kill you.
Listens:
98491
Who:
Wheatley
BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD
Listens:
94940
Who:
Wheatley
Space.
Listens:
92766
Who:
Core 1
Hey, nice potato!
Listens:
91487
Who:
Defective Turret
Lawl
Listens:
80076
Who:
Turret
You know what my days used to be like? I just tested. Nobody murdered me. Or put me in a potato. Or fed me to birds. I had a pretty good life.
Listens:
79818
Who:
GLaDOS
This next test is very dangerous. To help you remain tranquil in the face of almost certain death, smooth jazz will be deployed in three. Two. One. [SMOOTH JAZZ]
Listens:
73861
Who:
Announcer
Well done. Here come the test results: You are a horrible person. I'm serious, that's what it says: A horrible person. We weren't even testing for that.
Listens:
68187
Who:
GLaDOS
Nonononononono!
Listens:
66172
Who:
GLaDOS
So... this cat loves lasagna so much that he eats all of the lasagna in his house. Okay, apparently it's not the cat's house or his lasagna. Oh good! The man who owns the lasagna is furious!
Listens:
63450
Who:
GLaDOS
No! NO! NO! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
Listens:
62358
Who:
GLaDOS
I'm different...
Listens:
62051
Who:
Turret
Are you still there?
Listens:
49589
Who:
Turret
Hmm. This Plate must not be calibrated to someone of your... generous... ness. I'll add a few zeros to the maximum weight.
Listens:
49562
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh, good. My slow clap processor made it into this thing. So we have that.
Listens:
49012
Who:
GLaDOS
SPAAACE!
Listens:
46287
Who:
Core 1
This next test... [boom!] ..is... [BOOM!] dangerous. I'll be right back.
Listens:
44961
Who:
GLaDOS
Science isn't about WHY. It's about WHY NOT. Why is so much of our science dangerous? Why not marry safe science if you love it so much. In fact, why not invent a special safety door that won't hit you on the butt on the way out, because you are fired.
Listens:
43546
Who:
Cave Johnson
Okay, fine. Let's all act like humans. 'Look at me. Boy, do I love sweating. Let's convert beef and leaves into energy and excrete them later and go shopping.'
Listens:
42380
Who:
GLaDOS
It's been a long time. How have you been?
Listens:
41826
Who:
GLaDOS
DANCING is NOT SCIENCE!
Listens:
40225
Who:
GLaDOS
Prometheus was punished by the gods for giving the gift of knowledge to man. He was cast into the bowels of the earth and pecked by birds.
Listens:
38786
Who:
Turret
You really are doing great... Chell.
Listens:
38782
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh... It's you.
Listens:
37118
Who:
GLaDOS
[laugh]
Listens:
36163
Who:
Cave Johnson
But I'm huge! [laugh turning to maniacal laugh]
Listens:
35041
Who:
Wheatley
Yeah, take the lemons...
Listens:
33668
Who:
GLaDOS
Agh! Bird! Bird! Kill it! It's evil!
Listens:
32865
Who:
GLaDOS
Space. Trial. Puttin' the system on trial. In space. Space system. On trial. Guilty. Of being in space! Going to space jail!
Listens:
32489
Who:
Core 1
Federal regulations require me to warn you that this next test chamber... is looking pretty good.
Listens:
30710
Who:
GLaDOS
Did you know that people with guilty consciences are more easily startled by loud noises--[train horn]--
Listens:
29328
Who:
GLaDOS
Get mad!
Listens:
29243
Who:
Turret
*cough* PRESS THE BUTTON.
Listens:
29012
Who:
Wheatley
All these science spheres are made of asbestos, by the way. Keeps out the rats. Let us know if you feel a shortness of breath, a persistent dry cough or your heart stopping. Because that's not part of the test. That's asbestos.
Listens:
28907
Who:
Cave Johnson
Dammit, we know! Everybody knows! Space! You! In it! We get it!
Listens:
28703
Who:
Core 2
This. Sentence. Is. FALSE don't think about it don't think about it...
Listens:
28503
Who:
GLaDOS
Why do I hate you so much? You ever wonder that? I'm brilliant. I’m not bragging. It's an objective fact. I'm the most massive collection of wisdom that’s ever existed. And I hate you. It can't be for no reason. You must deserve it.
Listens:
27704
Who:
GLaDOS
If at first you don't succeed, fail 5 more times.
Listens:
26590
Who:
GLaDOS
I feel awful about that surprise. Tell you what, let's give your parents a call right now. [phone ringing] The birth parents you are trying to reach do not love you. Please hang up. [Dial tone]
Listens:
25841
Who:
GLaDOS
Aristotle versus Mashy-spike-plate!
Listens:
25275
Who:
Wheatley
Okay. Look. We both said a lot of things that you're going to regret. But I think we can put our differences behind us. For science. You monster.
Listens:
24628
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello? Friend.
Listens:
24231
Who:
Turret
If you had underwear? And a butt? I would pull your underwear... right up your butt.
Listens:
24162
Who:
Core 2
Oh... Mr. Johnson...
Listens:
23812
Who:
Caroline
Good morning. You have been in suspension for nine nine nine... nine nine ni- This courtesy call is to inform you that all test subjects should immediately vacate [FADES OUT]
Listens:
23571
Who:
Announcer
He's not just a regular moron. He's the product of the greatest minds of a generation working together with the express purpose of building the dumbest moron who ever lived. And you just put him in charge of the entire facility.
Listens:
23558
Who:
GLaDOS
Gotta go to space. Lady. Lady.
Listens:
23219
Who:
Core 1
You're not just a regular moron. You were DESIGNED to be a moron.
Listens:
22536
Who:
GLaDOS
Explosion imminent. Evacuate the facility immediately.
Listens:
22366
Who:
Announcer
Goodbye Caroline!
Listens:
22129
Who:
Caroline
Interpreting vague answer as YES.
Listens:
21559
Who:
Announcer
Did you put a virus in them? It's not going to work either. I've got a firewall, mate. Literally, actually, now that I look around. There appears to be literally a wall of fire around this place. Alarming. To say the least.
Listens:
21312
Who:
Wheatley
I don't blame you
Listens:
21232
Who:
Turret
I know how humans make more humans, and frankly, it's ridiculous. It also assumes that you already have a human, which I hope somebody got fired over. So I came up a with BETTER way.
Listens:
21075
Who:
GLaDOS
Glorious freedom!
Listens:
20881
Who:
Turret
'Goodbye, Caroline.'
Listens:
20692
Who:
Caroline
Hey! Moron!
Listens:
20062
Who:
GLaDOS
You are the farthest ever in space. Why me, space? Because you are the best. I'm the best at space? Yes.
Listens:
19803
Who:
Core 1
Space? SPACE!
Listens:
19758
Who:
Core 1
Am I being too vague? I despise you. I loathe you. You arrogant, smugly quiet, awful jumpsuited monster of a woman. You and your little potato friend. This place would have been a triumph if it wasn't for you!
Listens:
19009
Who:
Wheatley
Nobody is going to space, mate!
Listens:
18932
Who:
Wheatley
Good news is, the lab boys say the symptoms of asbestos poisoning show a median latency of forty-four point six years, so if you're thirty or older, you're laughing. Worst case scenario, you miss out on a few rounds of canasta, plus you forwarded the cause of science by three centuries. I punch those numbers into my calculator, it makes a happy face.
Listens:
18845
Who:
Cave Johnson
[clap clap]
Listens:
18654
Who:
GLaDOS
Lady. I love space. I know! Spell it! S P... AACE. Space. Space.
Listens:
18552
Who:
Core 1
SPACE!
Listens:
18240
Who:
Wheatley
I can't see a thing. What just happened? Better open fire! [click click click click] Dang!
Listens:
18189
Who:
Defective Turret
Don't make lemonade!
Listens:
18122
Who:
Turret
Caroline deleted.
Listens:
17926
Who:
Announcer
I was getting SO lonely down here. It's good to finally hear someone else's voice. I'm kidding, of course. God, I hate you.
Listens:
17712
Who:
GLaDOS
Um. 'TRUE'. I'll go 'true'.
Listens:
17694
Who:
Wheatley
Goodbye, Caroline.
Listens:
17311
Who:
GLaDOS
Ba! Ba! Ba ba ba! Space! Ba! Ba! Ba ba ba!
Listens:
16881
Who:
Core 1
Still, it turns out they're a great portal conductor. So now we're gonna see if jumping in and out of these new portals can somehow leech the lunar poison out of a man's bloodstream. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. [coughs] Let's all stay positive and do some science.
Listens:
16852
Who:
Cave Johnson
I don't want this!
Listens:
16819
Who:
Caroline
You messed with the wrong turret!
Listens:
16790
Who:
Defective Turret
[BUZZER NOISE]
Listens:
16355
Who:
Wheatley
Well, you know the old formula: Comedy equals tragedy plus time. And you have been asleep for a while. So I guess it's actually pretty funny when you do the math.
Listens:
16260
Who:
GLaDOS
Oo. Oo. Oo. Lady. Oo. Lady. Oo. Let's go to space.
Listens:
16248
Who:
Core 1
The Space Sphere will never go to space.
Listens:
16117
Who:
Core 3
Bad news is we're postponing those tests indefinitely. Good news is we've got a much better test for you: fighting an army of mantis men. Pick up a rifle and follow the yellow line. You'll know when the test starts.
Listens:
16115
Who:
Cave Johnson
The bean counters told me we literally could not afford to buy seven dollars worth of moon rocks, much less seventy million. Bought 'em anyway. Ground 'em up, mixed em into a gel.
Listens:
16113
Who:
Cave Johnson
No, listen to me! Sir, I do not want this!
Listens:
16110
Who:
Caroline
Space space wanna go to space yes please space. Space space. Go to space.
Listens:
16110
Who:
Core 1
One of these times you'll be so fat that you'll jump, and you'll just drop like a stone. Into acid, probably. Like a potato into a deep fat fryer.
Listens:
16110
Who:
GLaDOS
They say the old caretaker of this place went absolutely crazy. Chopped up his entire staff. Of robots. All of them robots. They say at night you can still hear the screams. Of their replicas. All of them functionally indistinguishable from the originals. No memory of the incident. Nobody knows what they’re screaming about. Absolutely terrifying. Though obviously not paranormal in any meaningful way.
Listens:
16110
Who:
Wheatley
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