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Portal 2
Portal 2 DLC
Portal 2 PTI
Portal 2 Music
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Portal 1 Music
Team Fortress 2
TF2 Music
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BECAUSE I'M A POTATO.
Listens:
520390
Who:
GLaDOS
Ha! I like your style. You make up your own rules, just like me.
Listens:
519991
Who:
Cave Johnson
SPAAACCCCCE!
Listens:
436089
Who:
Core 1
Dad! I'm in space! [low-pitched 'space' voice] I'm proud of you, son. [normal voice] Dad, are you space? [low-pitched 'space' voice] Yes. Now we are a family again.
Listens:
356105
Who:
Core 1
Ohmygodohmygodohmygod! I'm in space!
Listens:
284418
Who:
Core 1
[beep] Sarcasm Self Test complete. [beep]
Listens:
213509
Who:
Announcer
What's your favorite thing about space? Mine is space.
Listens:
148506
Who:
Core 1
Um. You've got a yacht. And... Boys! Loads of fellas. Hunky guys down there. Possibly even a boyfriend! Who's to say at this stage. But, a lot of good looking fellas down there. And, ah, a boy band as well! That haven't seen a woman in years. And they're not picky at all. They don't care if you've got a bit of brain damage. If you've been running around sweating. And... A farm! A pony farm! And... Just jump down, would ya?
Listens:
117664
Who:
Wheatley
Like the potato!
Listens:
105757
Who:
Defective Turret
A, A, A, A, A, A. [NNNT!] No. A, A, A, A, A, B. [NNNT!] Hold on, I've done both of these. Skip ahead. A, B, C... D, G, H.[DING!]
Listens:
104321
Who:
Wheatley
Demand to see life's manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I'm the man who's going to burn your house down! With the lemons! I'm going to get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!
Listens:
93875
Who:
Cave Johnson
All right, I've been thinking. When life gives you lemons? Don't make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! 'I don't want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?'
Listens:
78456
Who:
Cave Johnson
Did you ever stop to think that eventually there’s a point where your name gets mentioned for the very last time. Well, here it is: I’m going to kill you, Chell.
Listens:
65152
Who:
GLaDOS
[clap clap clap]
Listens:
64717
Who:
GLaDOS
Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-action and adventure-dunna-dunna-na-dunna-na-playing by our own rules-nanana-hanging by our fingers from a mountain-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun...
Listens:
64701
Who:
Core 2
Hello! This is the part where I kill you.
Listens:
62090
Who:
Wheatley
Hey, nice potato!
Listens:
56506
Who:
Defective Turret
BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD
Listens:
53526
Who:
Wheatley
Space.
Listens:
49277
Who:
Core 1
You know what my days used to be like? I just tested. Nobody murdered me. Or put me in a potato. Or fed me to birds. I had a pretty good life.
Listens:
48292
Who:
GLaDOS
This next test is very dangerous. To help you remain tranquil in the face of almost certain death, smooth jazz will be deployed in three. Two. One. [SMOOTH JAZZ]
Listens:
47675
Who:
Announcer
Lawl
Listens:
42648
Who:
Turret
So... this cat loves lasagna so much that he eats all of the lasagna in his house. Okay, apparently it's not the cat's house or his lasagna. Oh good! The man who owns the lasagna is furious!
Listens:
40105
Who:
GLaDOS
Nonononononono!
Listens:
37593
Who:
GLaDOS
Well done. Here come the test results: You are a horrible person. I'm serious, that's what it says: A horrible person. We weren't even testing for that.
Listens:
35394
Who:
GLaDOS
Hmm. This Plate must not be calibrated to someone of your... generous... ness. I'll add a few zeros to the maximum weight.
Listens:
33323
Who:
GLaDOS
I'm different...
Listens:
31071
Who:
Turret
No! NO! NO! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
Listens:
29351
Who:
GLaDOS
You really are doing great... Chell.
Listens:
24186
Who:
GLaDOS
SPAAACE!
Listens:
23751
Who:
Core 1
Okay, fine. Let's all act like humans. 'Look at me. Boy, do I love sweating. Let's convert beef and leaves into energy and excrete them later and go shopping.'
Listens:
23736
Who:
GLaDOS
It's been a long time. How have you been?
Listens:
23368
Who:
GLaDOS
This next test... [boom!] ..is... [BOOM!] dangerous. I'll be right back.
Listens:
23195
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh, good. My slow clap processor made it into this thing. So we have that.
Listens:
23132
Who:
GLaDOS
But I'm huge! [laugh turning to maniacal laugh]
Listens:
21969
Who:
Wheatley
Science isn't about WHY. It's about WHY NOT. Why is so much of our science dangerous? Why not marry safe science if you love it so much. In fact, why not invent a special safety door that won't hit you on the butt on the way out, because you are fired.
Listens:
21725
Who:
Cave Johnson
Prometheus was punished by the gods for giving the gift of knowledge to man. He was cast into the bowels of the earth and pecked by birds.
Listens:
21614
Who:
Turret
Are you still there?
Listens:
19531
Who:
Turret
Federal regulations require me to warn you that this next test chamber... is looking pretty good.
Listens:
19520
Who:
GLaDOS
Space. Trial. Puttin' the system on trial. In space. Space system. On trial. Guilty. Of being in space! Going to space jail!
Listens:
19204
Who:
Core 1
Dammit, we know! Everybody knows! Space! You! In it! We get it!
Listens:
17615
Who:
Core 2
DANCING is NOT SCIENCE!
Listens:
17123
Who:
GLaDOS
Yeah, take the lemons...
Listens:
17025
Who:
GLaDOS
Agh! Bird! Bird! Kill it! It's evil!
Listens:
16907
Who:
GLaDOS
All these science spheres are made of asbestos, by the way. Keeps out the rats. Let us know if you feel a shortness of breath, a persistent dry cough or your heart stopping. Because that's not part of the test. That's asbestos.
Listens:
16137
Who:
Cave Johnson
This. Sentence. Is. FALSE don't think about it don't think about it...
Listens:
14867
Who:
GLaDOS
If at first you don't succeed, fail 5 more times.
Listens:
14792
Who:
GLaDOS
Did you know that people with guilty consciences are more easily startled by loud noises--[train horn]--
Listens:
14742
Who:
GLaDOS
Aristotle versus Mashy-spike-plate!
Listens:
14545
Who:
Wheatley
Oh... It's you.
Listens:
14032
Who:
GLaDOS
[laugh]
Listens:
13966
Who:
Cave Johnson
If you had underwear? And a butt? I would pull your underwear... right up your butt.
Listens:
13787
Who:
Core 2
I feel awful about that surprise. Tell you what, let's give your parents a call right now. [phone ringing] The birth parents you are trying to reach do not love you. Please hang up. [Dial tone]
Listens:
13278
Who:
GLaDOS
Why do I hate you so much? You ever wonder that? I'm brilliant. I’m not bragging. It's an objective fact. I'm the most massive collection of wisdom that’s ever existed. And I hate you. It can't be for no reason. You must deserve it.
Listens:
13053
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh... Mr. Johnson...
Listens:
12521
Who:
Caroline
Get mad!
Listens:
12017
Who:
Turret
Gotta go to space. Lady. Lady.
Listens:
11925
Who:
Core 1
*cough* PRESS THE BUTTON.
Listens:
11874
Who:
Wheatley
Did you put a virus in them? It's not going to work either. I've got a firewall, mate. Literally, actually, now that I look around. There appears to be literally a wall of fire around this place. Alarming. To say the least.
Listens:
11832
Who:
Wheatley
Okay. Look. We both said a lot of things that you're going to regret. But I think we can put our differences behind us. For science. You monster.
Listens:
11397
Who:
GLaDOS
You are the farthest ever in space. Why me, space? Because you are the best. I'm the best at space? Yes.
Listens:
11095
Who:
Core 1
You're not just a regular moron. You were DESIGNED to be a moron.
Listens:
10608
Who:
GLaDOS
Goodbye Caroline!
Listens:
10597
Who:
Caroline
I know how humans make more humans, and frankly, it's ridiculous. It also assumes that you already have a human, which I hope somebody got fired over. So I came up a with BETTER way.
Listens:
10509
Who:
GLaDOS
Good morning. You have been in suspension for nine nine nine... nine nine ni- This courtesy call is to inform you that all test subjects should immediately vacate [FADES OUT]
Listens:
10482
Who:
Announcer
He's not just a regular moron. He's the product of the greatest minds of a generation working together with the express purpose of building the dumbest moron who ever lived. And you just put him in charge of the entire facility.
Listens:
10227
Who:
GLaDOS
'Goodbye, Caroline.'
Listens:
10070
Who:
Caroline
Nobody is going to space, mate!
Listens:
9998
Who:
Wheatley
Interpreting vague answer as YES.
Listens:
9895
Who:
Announcer
Am I being too vague? I despise you. I loathe you. You arrogant, smugly quiet, awful jumpsuited monster of a woman. You and your little potato friend. This place would have been a triumph if it wasn't for you!
Listens:
9887
Who:
Wheatley
I don't want this!
Listens:
9505
Who:
Caroline
Glorious freedom!
Listens:
9366
Who:
Turret
Um. 'TRUE'. I'll go 'true'.
Listens:
9323
Who:
Wheatley
Still, it turns out they're a great portal conductor. So now we're gonna see if jumping in and out of these new portals can somehow leech the lunar poison out of a man's bloodstream. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. [coughs] Let's all stay positive and do some science.
Listens:
9245
Who:
Cave Johnson
Explosion imminent. Evacuate the facility immediately.
Listens:
9054
Who:
Announcer
I don't blame you
Listens:
9045
Who:
Turret
Good news is, the lab boys say the symptoms of asbestos poisoning show a median latency of forty-four point six years, so if you're thirty or older, you're laughing. Worst case scenario, you miss out on a few rounds of canasta, plus you forwarded the cause of science by three centuries. I punch those numbers into my calculator, it makes a happy face.
Listens:
9011
Who:
Cave Johnson
The bean counters told me we literally could not afford to buy seven dollars worth of moon rocks, much less seventy million. Bought 'em anyway. Ground 'em up, mixed em into a gel.
Listens:
8791
Who:
Cave Johnson
Lady. I love space. I know! Spell it! S P... AACE. Space. Space.
Listens:
8643
Who:
Core 1
I was getting SO lonely down here. It's good to finally hear someone else's voice. I'm kidding, of course. God, I hate you.
Listens:
8432
Who:
GLaDOS
No, listen to me! Sir, I do not want this!
Listens:
8237
Who:
Caroline
Hello? Friend.
Listens:
8219
Who:
Turret
Goodbye, Caroline.
Listens:
8021
Who:
GLaDOS
Don't make lemonade!
Listens:
7778
Who:
Turret
Well, you know the old formula: Comedy equals tragedy plus time. And you have been asleep for a while. So I guess it's actually pretty funny when you do the math.
Listens:
7742
Who:
GLaDOS
Bad news is we're postponing those tests indefinitely. Good news is we've got a much better test for you: fighting an army of mantis men. Pick up a rifle and follow the yellow line. You'll know when the test starts.
Listens:
7618
Who:
Cave Johnson
I can't see a thing. What just happened? Better open fire! [click click click click] Dang!
Listens:
7570
Who:
Defective Turret
They say the old caretaker of this place went absolutely crazy. Chopped up his entire staff. Of robots. All of them robots. They say at night you can still hear the screams. Of their replicas. All of them functionally indistinguishable from the originals. No memory of the incident. Nobody knows what they’re screaming about. Absolutely terrifying. Though obviously not paranormal in any meaningful way.
Listens:
7556
Who:
Wheatley
Space? SPACE!
Listens:
7526
Who:
Core 1
Ba! Ba! Ba ba ba! Space! Ba! Ba! Ba ba ba!
Listens:
7520
Who:
Core 1
[clap clap]
Listens:
7519
Who:
GLaDOS
Hey! Moron!
Listens:
7514
Who:
GLaDOS
Oo. Oo. Oo. Lady. Oo. Lady. Oo. Let's go to space.
Listens:
7513
Who:
Core 1
SPACE!
Listens:
7513
Who:
Wheatley
One of these times you'll be so fat that you'll jump, and you'll just drop like a stone. Into acid, probably. Like a potato into a deep fat fryer.
Listens:
7512
Who:
GLaDOS
Caroline deleted.
Listens:
7510
Who:
Announcer
I'll tell ya, it's times like this I wish I had a waist so I could wear all my black belts. Yeah, I'm a black belt. In pretty much everything. Karate. Larate. Jiu Jitsu. Kick punching. Belt making. Taekwondo... Bedroom.
Listens:
7510
Who:
Core 2
You messed with the wrong turret!
Listens:
7510
Who:
Defective Turret
Space space wanna go to space yes please space. Space space. Go to space.
Listens:
7507
Who:
Core 1
The Space Sphere will never go to space.
Listens:
7506
Who:
Core 3
00:00 / 00:00
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