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Portal 2
Portal 2 DLC
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Portal 1 Music
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TF2 Music
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BECAUSE I'M A POTATO.
Listens:
648800
Who:
GLaDOS
Ha! I like your style. You make up your own rules, just like me.
Listens:
599493
Who:
Cave Johnson
SPAAACCCCCE!
Listens:
518867
Who:
Core 1
Dad! I'm in space! [low-pitched 'space' voice] I'm proud of you, son. [normal voice] Dad, are you space? [low-pitched 'space' voice] Yes. Now we are a family again.
Listens:
414840
Who:
Core 1
Ohmygodohmygodohmygod! I'm in space!
Listens:
334960
Who:
Core 1
[beep] Sarcasm Self Test complete. [beep]
Listens:
266227
Who:
Announcer
What's your favorite thing about space? Mine is space.
Listens:
185646
Who:
Core 1
Um. You've got a yacht. And... Boys! Loads of fellas. Hunky guys down there. Possibly even a boyfriend! Who's to say at this stage. But, a lot of good looking fellas down there. And, ah, a boy band as well! That haven't seen a woman in years. And they're not picky at all. They don't care if you've got a bit of brain damage. If you've been running around sweating. And... A farm! A pony farm! And... Just jump down, would ya?
Listens:
156124
Who:
Wheatley
Like the potato!
Listens:
148249
Who:
Defective Turret
A, A, A, A, A, A. [NNNT!] No. A, A, A, A, A, B. [NNNT!] Hold on, I've done both of these. Skip ahead. A, B, C... D, G, H.[DING!]
Listens:
139823
Who:
Wheatley
Demand to see life's manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I'm the man who's going to burn your house down! With the lemons! I'm going to get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!
Listens:
123135
Who:
Cave Johnson
All right, I've been thinking. When life gives you lemons? Don't make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! 'I don't want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?'
Listens:
101933
Who:
Cave Johnson
[clap clap clap]
Listens:
98182
Who:
GLaDOS
Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-action and adventure-dunna-dunna-na-dunna-na-playing by our own rules-nanana-hanging by our fingers from a mountain-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun...
Listens:
93589
Who:
Core 2
Did you ever stop to think that eventually there’s a point where your name gets mentioned for the very last time. Well, here it is: I’m going to kill you, Chell.
Listens:
85812
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello! This is the part where I kill you.
Listens:
83984
Who:
Wheatley
BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD
Listens:
79007
Who:
Wheatley
Hey, nice potato!
Listens:
78223
Who:
Defective Turret
Space.
Listens:
76553
Who:
Core 1
You know what my days used to be like? I just tested. Nobody murdered me. Or put me in a potato. Or fed me to birds. I had a pretty good life.
Listens:
67846
Who:
GLaDOS
Lawl
Listens:
65469
Who:
Turret
This next test is very dangerous. To help you remain tranquil in the face of almost certain death, smooth jazz will be deployed in three. Two. One. [SMOOTH JAZZ]
Listens:
63224
Who:
Announcer
Well done. Here come the test results: You are a horrible person. I'm serious, that's what it says: A horrible person. We weren't even testing for that.
Listens:
55899
Who:
GLaDOS
Nonononononono!
Listens:
54004
Who:
GLaDOS
So... this cat loves lasagna so much that he eats all of the lasagna in his house. Okay, apparently it's not the cat's house or his lasagna. Oh good! The man who owns the lasagna is furious!
Listens:
53439
Who:
GLaDOS
I'm different...
Listens:
50221
Who:
Turret
No! NO! NO! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
Listens:
45541
Who:
GLaDOS
Hmm. This Plate must not be calibrated to someone of your... generous... ness. I'll add a few zeros to the maximum weight.
Listens:
42407
Who:
GLaDOS
Are you still there?
Listens:
37961
Who:
Turret
SPAAACE!
Listens:
37759
Who:
Core 1
Oh, good. My slow clap processor made it into this thing. So we have that.
Listens:
37456
Who:
GLaDOS
This next test... [boom!] ..is... [BOOM!] dangerous. I'll be right back.
Listens:
35183
Who:
GLaDOS
Science isn't about WHY. It's about WHY NOT. Why is so much of our science dangerous? Why not marry safe science if you love it so much. In fact, why not invent a special safety door that won't hit you on the butt on the way out, because you are fired.
Listens:
34933
Who:
Cave Johnson
Okay, fine. Let's all act like humans. 'Look at me. Boy, do I love sweating. Let's convert beef and leaves into energy and excrete them later and go shopping.'
Listens:
34290
Who:
GLaDOS
It's been a long time. How have you been?
Listens:
34138
Who:
GLaDOS
You really are doing great... Chell.
Listens:
32984
Who:
GLaDOS
Prometheus was punished by the gods for giving the gift of knowledge to man. He was cast into the bowels of the earth and pecked by birds.
Listens:
30972
Who:
Turret
DANCING is NOT SCIENCE!
Listens:
29705
Who:
GLaDOS
But I'm huge! [laugh turning to maniacal laugh]
Listens:
29109
Who:
Wheatley
Space. Trial. Puttin' the system on trial. In space. Space system. On trial. Guilty. Of being in space! Going to space jail!
Listens:
27219
Who:
Core 1
Yeah, take the lemons...
Listens:
26778
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh... It's you.
Listens:
26733
Who:
GLaDOS
Agh! Bird! Bird! Kill it! It's evil!
Listens:
25909
Who:
GLaDOS
Federal regulations require me to warn you that this next test chamber... is looking pretty good.
Listens:
25268
Who:
GLaDOS
Dammit, we know! Everybody knows! Space! You! In it! We get it!
Listens:
23975
Who:
Core 2
[laugh]
Listens:
23614
Who:
Cave Johnson
All these science spheres are made of asbestos, by the way. Keeps out the rats. Let us know if you feel a shortness of breath, a persistent dry cough or your heart stopping. Because that's not part of the test. That's asbestos.
Listens:
23601
Who:
Cave Johnson
This. Sentence. Is. FALSE don't think about it don't think about it...
Listens:
22503
Who:
GLaDOS
Did you know that people with guilty consciences are more easily startled by loud noises--[train horn]--
Listens:
21766
Who:
GLaDOS
Get mad!
Listens:
21762
Who:
Turret
*cough* PRESS THE BUTTON.
Listens:
21398
Who:
Wheatley
If at first you don't succeed, fail 5 more times.
Listens:
21259
Who:
GLaDOS
I feel awful about that surprise. Tell you what, let's give your parents a call right now. [phone ringing] The birth parents you are trying to reach do not love you. Please hang up. [Dial tone]
Listens:
21073
Who:
GLaDOS
Why do I hate you so much? You ever wonder that? I'm brilliant. I’m not bragging. It's an objective fact. I'm the most massive collection of wisdom that’s ever existed. And I hate you. It can't be for no reason. You must deserve it.
Listens:
20754
Who:
GLaDOS
Aristotle versus Mashy-spike-plate!
Listens:
20483
Who:
Wheatley
If you had underwear? And a butt? I would pull your underwear... right up your butt.
Listens:
20212
Who:
Core 2
Okay. Look. We both said a lot of things that you're going to regret. But I think we can put our differences behind us. For science. You monster.
Listens:
19207
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh... Mr. Johnson...
Listens:
19103
Who:
Caroline
Gotta go to space. Lady. Lady.
Listens:
18721
Who:
Core 1
Good morning. You have been in suspension for nine nine nine... nine nine ni- This courtesy call is to inform you that all test subjects should immediately vacate [FADES OUT]
Listens:
17778
Who:
Announcer
Did you put a virus in them? It's not going to work either. I've got a firewall, mate. Literally, actually, now that I look around. There appears to be literally a wall of fire around this place. Alarming. To say the least.
Listens:
17242
Who:
Wheatley
Goodbye Caroline!
Listens:
17191
Who:
Caroline
He's not just a regular moron. He's the product of the greatest minds of a generation working together with the express purpose of building the dumbest moron who ever lived. And you just put him in charge of the entire facility.
Listens:
17096
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello? Friend.
Listens:
16948
Who:
Turret
You're not just a regular moron. You were DESIGNED to be a moron.
Listens:
16942
Who:
GLaDOS
You are the farthest ever in space. Why me, space? Because you are the best. I'm the best at space? Yes.
Listens:
16491
Who:
Core 1
Interpreting vague answer as YES.
Listens:
16469
Who:
Announcer
'Goodbye, Caroline.'
Listens:
16249
Who:
Caroline
Glorious freedom!
Listens:
15926
Who:
Turret
I don't blame you
Listens:
15919
Who:
Turret
I know how humans make more humans, and frankly, it's ridiculous. It also assumes that you already have a human, which I hope somebody got fired over. So I came up a with BETTER way.
Listens:
15743
Who:
GLaDOS
Explosion imminent. Evacuate the facility immediately.
Listens:
15500
Who:
Announcer
Am I being too vague? I despise you. I loathe you. You arrogant, smugly quiet, awful jumpsuited monster of a woman. You and your little potato friend. This place would have been a triumph if it wasn't for you!
Listens:
15092
Who:
Wheatley
Nobody is going to space, mate!
Listens:
14861
Who:
Wheatley
Good news is, the lab boys say the symptoms of asbestos poisoning show a median latency of forty-four point six years, so if you're thirty or older, you're laughing. Worst case scenario, you miss out on a few rounds of canasta, plus you forwarded the cause of science by three centuries. I punch those numbers into my calculator, it makes a happy face.
Listens:
14619
Who:
Cave Johnson
Lady. I love space. I know! Spell it! S P... AACE. Space. Space.
Listens:
14545
Who:
Core 1
Hey! Moron!
Listens:
14113
Who:
GLaDOS
Um. 'TRUE'. I'll go 'true'.
Listens:
14085
Who:
Wheatley
Space? SPACE!
Listens:
14038
Who:
Core 1
SPACE!
Listens:
13695
Who:
Wheatley
I can't see a thing. What just happened? Better open fire! [click click click click] Dang!
Listens:
13692
Who:
Defective Turret
[clap clap]
Listens:
13616
Who:
GLaDOS
Don't make lemonade!
Listens:
13534
Who:
Turret
I don't want this!
Listens:
13511
Who:
Caroline
Still, it turns out they're a great portal conductor. So now we're gonna see if jumping in and out of these new portals can somehow leech the lunar poison out of a man's bloodstream. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. [coughs] Let's all stay positive and do some science.
Listens:
13471
Who:
Cave Johnson
I was getting SO lonely down here. It's good to finally hear someone else's voice. I'm kidding, of course. God, I hate you.
Listens:
13338
Who:
GLaDOS
Caroline deleted.
Listens:
13234
Who:
Announcer
Goodbye, Caroline.
Listens:
13043
Who:
GLaDOS
Ba! Ba! Ba ba ba! Space! Ba! Ba! Ba ba ba!
Listens:
12920
Who:
Core 1
You messed with the wrong turret!
Listens:
12695
Who:
Defective Turret
The bean counters told me we literally could not afford to buy seven dollars worth of moon rocks, much less seventy million. Bought 'em anyway. Ground 'em up, mixed em into a gel.
Listens:
12693
Who:
Cave Johnson
Oo. Oo. Oo. Lady. Oo. Lady. Oo. Let's go to space.
Listens:
12582
Who:
Core 1
The Space Sphere will never go to space.
Listens:
12411
Who:
Core 3
Bad news is we're postponing those tests indefinitely. Good news is we've got a much better test for you: fighting an army of mantis men. Pick up a rifle and follow the yellow line. You'll know when the test starts.
Listens:
12403
Who:
Cave Johnson
Space space wanna go to space yes please space. Space space. Go to space.
Listens:
12395
Who:
Core 1
They say the old caretaker of this place went absolutely crazy. Chopped up his entire staff. Of robots. All of them robots. They say at night you can still hear the screams. Of their replicas. All of them functionally indistinguishable from the originals. No memory of the incident. Nobody knows what they’re screaming about. Absolutely terrifying. Though obviously not paranormal in any meaningful way.
Listens:
12392
Who:
Wheatley
Well, you know the old formula: Comedy equals tragedy plus time. And you have been asleep for a while. So I guess it's actually pretty funny when you do the math.
Listens:
12390
Who:
GLaDOS
I'll tell ya, it's times like this I wish I had a waist so I could wear all my black belts. Yeah, I'm a black belt. In pretty much everything. Karate. Larate. Jiu Jitsu. Kick punching. Belt making. Taekwondo... Bedroom.
Listens:
12388
Who:
Core 2
One of these times you'll be so fat that you'll jump, and you'll just drop like a stone. Into acid, probably. Like a potato into a deep fat fryer.
Listens:
12388
Who:
GLaDOS
No, listen to me! Sir, I do not want this!
Listens:
12387
Who:
Caroline
00:00 / 00:00
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