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Portal 2
Portal 2 DLC
Portal 2 PTI
Portal 2 Music
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Portal 1 Music
Team Fortress 2
TF2 Music
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BECAUSE I'M A POTATO.
Listens:
480997
Who:
GLaDOS
Ha! I like your style. You make up your own rules, just like me.
Listens:
480991
Who:
Cave Johnson
SPAAACCCCCE!
Listens:
397881
Who:
Core 1
Dad! I'm in space! [low-pitched 'space' voice] I'm proud of you, son. [normal voice] Dad, are you space? [low-pitched 'space' voice] Yes. Now we are a family again.
Listens:
324976
Who:
Core 1
Ohmygodohmygodohmygod! I'm in space!
Listens:
262424
Who:
Core 1
[beep] Sarcasm Self Test complete. [beep]
Listens:
198058
Who:
Announcer
What's your favorite thing about space? Mine is space.
Listens:
137887
Who:
Core 1
Um. You've got a yacht. And... Boys! Loads of fellas. Hunky guys down there. Possibly even a boyfriend! Who's to say at this stage. But, a lot of good looking fellas down there. And, ah, a boy band as well! That haven't seen a woman in years. And they're not picky at all. They don't care if you've got a bit of brain damage. If you've been running around sweating. And... A farm! A pony farm! And... Just jump down, would ya?
Listens:
108277
Who:
Wheatley
Like the potato!
Listens:
97173
Who:
Defective Turret
A, A, A, A, A, A. [NNNT!] No. A, A, A, A, A, B. [NNNT!] Hold on, I've done both of these. Skip ahead. A, B, C... D, G, H.[DING!]
Listens:
94796
Who:
Wheatley
Demand to see life's manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I'm the man who's going to burn your house down! With the lemons! I'm going to get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!
Listens:
85695
Who:
Cave Johnson
All right, I've been thinking. When life gives you lemons? Don't make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! 'I don't want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?'
Listens:
71740
Who:
Cave Johnson
Did you ever stop to think that eventually there’s a point where your name gets mentioned for the very last time. Well, here it is: I’m going to kill you, Chell.
Listens:
59336
Who:
GLaDOS
Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-action and adventure-dunna-dunna-na-dunna-na-playing by our own rules-nanana-hanging by our fingers from a mountain-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun...
Listens:
57891
Who:
Core 2
[clap clap clap]
Listens:
57698
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello! This is the part where I kill you.
Listens:
56218
Who:
Wheatley
Hey, nice potato!
Listens:
51829
Who:
Defective Turret
BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD
Listens:
48591
Who:
Wheatley
Space.
Listens:
44533
Who:
Core 1
This next test is very dangerous. To help you remain tranquil in the face of almost certain death, smooth jazz will be deployed in three. Two. One. [SMOOTH JAZZ]
Listens:
42592
Who:
Announcer
You know what my days used to be like? I just tested. Nobody murdered me. Or put me in a potato. Or fed me to birds. I had a pretty good life.
Listens:
41918
Who:
GLaDOS
Lawl
Listens:
38759
Who:
Turret
So... this cat loves lasagna so much that he eats all of the lasagna in his house. Okay, apparently it's not the cat's house or his lasagna. Oh good! The man who owns the lasagna is furious!
Listens:
36393
Who:
GLaDOS
Nonononononono!
Listens:
34236
Who:
GLaDOS
Well done. Here come the test results: You are a horrible person. I'm serious, that's what it says: A horrible person. We weren't even testing for that.
Listens:
30142
Who:
GLaDOS
Hmm. This Plate must not be calibrated to someone of your... generous... ness. I'll add a few zeros to the maximum weight.
Listens:
29798
Who:
GLaDOS
I'm different...
Listens:
27914
Who:
Turret
No! NO! NO! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
Listens:
25860
Who:
GLaDOS
You really are doing great... Chell.
Listens:
21577
Who:
GLaDOS
Okay, fine. Let's all act like humans. 'Look at me. Boy, do I love sweating. Let's convert beef and leaves into energy and excrete them later and go shopping.'
Listens:
20911
Who:
GLaDOS
SPAAACE!
Listens:
20893
Who:
Core 1
This next test... [boom!] ..is... [BOOM!] dangerous. I'll be right back.
Listens:
20452
Who:
GLaDOS
It's been a long time. How have you been?
Listens:
19937
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh, good. My slow clap processor made it into this thing. So we have that.
Listens:
19922
Who:
GLaDOS
But I'm huge! [laugh turning to maniacal laugh]
Listens:
19442
Who:
Wheatley
Science isn't about WHY. It's about WHY NOT. Why is so much of our science dangerous? Why not marry safe science if you love it so much. In fact, why not invent a special safety door that won't hit you on the butt on the way out, because you are fired.
Listens:
17798
Who:
Cave Johnson
Prometheus was punished by the gods for giving the gift of knowledge to man. He was cast into the bowels of the earth and pecked by birds.
Listens:
17734
Who:
Turret
Federal regulations require me to warn you that this next test chamber... is looking pretty good.
Listens:
17667
Who:
GLaDOS
Space. Trial. Puttin' the system on trial. In space. Space system. On trial. Guilty. Of being in space! Going to space jail!
Listens:
16502
Who:
Core 1
Are you still there?
Listens:
16060
Who:
Turret
Dammit, we know! Everybody knows! Space! You! In it! We get it!
Listens:
15580
Who:
Core 2
DANCING is NOT SCIENCE!
Listens:
15002
Who:
GLaDOS
Yeah, take the lemons...
Listens:
14955
Who:
GLaDOS
Agh! Bird! Bird! Kill it! It's evil!
Listens:
14853
Who:
GLaDOS
All these science spheres are made of asbestos, by the way. Keeps out the rats. Let us know if you feel a shortness of breath, a persistent dry cough or your heart stopping. Because that's not part of the test. That's asbestos.
Listens:
14169
Who:
Cave Johnson
If at first you don't succeed, fail 5 more times.
Listens:
13157
Who:
GLaDOS
This. Sentence. Is. FALSE don't think about it don't think about it...
Listens:
13106
Who:
GLaDOS
Did you know that people with guilty consciences are more easily startled by loud noises--[train horn]--
Listens:
13086
Who:
GLaDOS
Aristotle versus Mashy-spike-plate!
Listens:
12906
Who:
Wheatley
[laugh]
Listens:
12382
Who:
Cave Johnson
Oh... It's you.
Listens:
11709
Who:
GLaDOS
If you had underwear? And a butt? I would pull your underwear... right up your butt.
Listens:
11691
Who:
Core 2
I feel awful about that surprise. Tell you what, let's give your parents a call right now. [phone ringing] The birth parents you are trying to reach do not love you. Please hang up. [Dial tone]
Listens:
11444
Who:
GLaDOS
Why do I hate you so much? You ever wonder that? I'm brilliant. I’m not bragging. It's an objective fact. I'm the most massive collection of wisdom that’s ever existed. And I hate you. It can't be for no reason. You must deserve it.
Listens:
11206
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh... Mr. Johnson...
Listens:
10961
Who:
Caroline
Gotta go to space. Lady. Lady.
Listens:
10461
Who:
Core 1
*cough* PRESS THE BUTTON.
Listens:
10270
Who:
Wheatley
Get mad!
Listens:
10265
Who:
Turret
Did you put a virus in them? It's not going to work either. I've got a firewall, mate. Literally, actually, now that I look around. There appears to be literally a wall of fire around this place. Alarming. To say the least.
Listens:
10247
Who:
Wheatley
Goodbye Caroline!
Listens:
9360
Who:
Caroline
You are the farthest ever in space. Why me, space? Because you are the best. I'm the best at space? Yes.
Listens:
9359
Who:
Core 1
You're not just a regular moron. You were DESIGNED to be a moron.
Listens:
9163
Who:
GLaDOS
I know how humans make more humans, and frankly, it's ridiculous. It also assumes that you already have a human, which I hope somebody got fired over. So I came up a with BETTER way.
Listens:
9065
Who:
GLaDOS
'Goodbye, Caroline.'
Listens:
8789
Who:
Caroline
Good morning. You have been in suspension for nine nine nine... nine nine ni- This courtesy call is to inform you that all test subjects should immediately vacate [FADES OUT]
Listens:
8745
Who:
Announcer
Nobody is going to space, mate!
Listens:
8691
Who:
Wheatley
Okay. Look. We both said a lot of things that you're going to regret. But I think we can put our differences behind us. For science. You monster.
Listens:
8615
Who:
GLaDOS
He's not just a regular moron. He's the product of the greatest minds of a generation working together with the express purpose of building the dumbest moron who ever lived. And you just put him in charge of the entire facility.
Listens:
8571
Who:
GLaDOS
Am I being too vague? I despise you. I loathe you. You arrogant, smugly quiet, awful jumpsuited monster of a woman. You and your little potato friend. This place would have been a triumph if it wasn't for you!
Listens:
8519
Who:
Wheatley
Interpreting vague answer as YES.
Listens:
8475
Who:
Announcer
I don't want this!
Listens:
8343
Who:
Caroline
Um. 'TRUE'. I'll go 'true'.
Listens:
8173
Who:
Wheatley
Glorious freedom!
Listens:
7973
Who:
Turret
Still, it turns out they're a great portal conductor. So now we're gonna see if jumping in and out of these new portals can somehow leech the lunar poison out of a man's bloodstream. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. [coughs] Let's all stay positive and do some science.
Listens:
7923
Who:
Cave Johnson
Good news is, the lab boys say the symptoms of asbestos poisoning show a median latency of forty-four point six years, so if you're thirty or older, you're laughing. Worst case scenario, you miss out on a few rounds of canasta, plus you forwarded the cause of science by three centuries. I punch those numbers into my calculator, it makes a happy face.
Listens:
7816
Who:
Cave Johnson
Explosion imminent. Evacuate the facility immediately.
Listens:
7761
Who:
Announcer
I don't blame you
Listens:
7743
Who:
Turret
The bean counters told me we literally could not afford to buy seven dollars worth of moon rocks, much less seventy million. Bought 'em anyway. Ground 'em up, mixed em into a gel.
Listens:
7725
Who:
Cave Johnson
Lady. I love space. I know! Spell it! S P... AACE. Space. Space.
Listens:
7574
Who:
Core 1
No, listen to me! Sir, I do not want this!
Listens:
7221
Who:
Caroline
I was getting SO lonely down here. It's good to finally hear someone else's voice. I'm kidding, of course. God, I hate you.
Listens:
7127
Who:
GLaDOS
Goodbye, Caroline.
Listens:
6854
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello? Friend.
Listens:
6691
Who:
Turret
Bad news is we're postponing those tests indefinitely. Good news is we've got a much better test for you: fighting an army of mantis men. Pick up a rifle and follow the yellow line. You'll know when the test starts.
Listens:
6638
Who:
Cave Johnson
Don't make lemonade!
Listens:
6620
Who:
Turret
Hey! Moron!
Listens:
6475
Who:
GLaDOS
[clap clap]
Listens:
6313
Who:
GLaDOS
They say the old caretaker of this place went absolutely crazy. Chopped up his entire staff. Of robots. All of them robots. They say at night you can still hear the screams. Of their replicas. All of them functionally indistinguishable from the originals. No memory of the incident. Nobody knows what they’re screaming about. Absolutely terrifying. Though obviously not paranormal in any meaningful way.
Listens:
6265
Who:
Wheatley
I can't see a thing. What just happened? Better open fire! [click click click click] Dang!
Listens:
6250
Who:
Defective Turret
Oo. Oo. Oo. Lady. Oo. Lady. Oo. Let's go to space.
Listens:
6245
Who:
Core 1
Space? SPACE!
Listens:
6193
Who:
Core 1
You messed with the wrong turret!
Listens:
6170
Who:
Defective Turret
SPACE!
Listens:
6164
Who:
Wheatley
OW! You stabbed me! What is WRONG with yo-WhoOOAAahhh. Hold on. Do you have a multimeter? Nevermind. The gun must be part magnesium... It feels like I'm outputting an extra half a volt. Keep an eye on me: I'm going to do some scheming. Here I g-[BZZZ!]
Listens:
6161
Who:
GLaDOS
Caroline deleted.
Listens:
6159
Who:
Announcer
Space space wanna go to space yes please space. Space space. Go to space.
Listens:
6159
Who:
Core 1
The Space Sphere will never go to space.
Listens:
6154
Who:
Core 3
I'll tell ya, it's times like this I wish I had a waist so I could wear all my black belts. Yeah, I'm a black belt. In pretty much everything. Karate. Larate. Jiu Jitsu. Kick punching. Belt making. Taekwondo... Bedroom.
Listens:
6141
Who:
Core 2
One of these times you'll be so fat that you'll jump, and you'll just drop like a stone. Into acid, probably. Like a potato into a deep fat fryer.
Listens:
6141
Who:
GLaDOS
Ba! Ba! Ba ba ba! Space! Ba! Ba! Ba ba ba!
Listens:
6138
Who:
Core 1
00:00 / 00:00
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