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Portal 2
Portal 2 DLC
Portal 2 PTI
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Portal 1 Music
Team Fortress 2
TF2 Music
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BECAUSE I'M A POTATO.
Listens:
562347
Who:
GLaDOS
Ha! I like your style. You make up your own rules, just like me.
Listens:
549974
Who:
Cave Johnson
SPAAACCCCCE!
Listens:
463818
Who:
Core 1
Dad! I'm in space! [low-pitched 'space' voice] I'm proud of you, son. [normal voice] Dad, are you space? [low-pitched 'space' voice] Yes. Now we are a family again.
Listens:
378026
Who:
Core 1
Ohmygodohmygodohmygod! I'm in space!
Listens:
302086
Who:
Core 1
[beep] Sarcasm Self Test complete. [beep]
Listens:
231076
Who:
Announcer
What's your favorite thing about space? Mine is space.
Listens:
161653
Who:
Core 1
Um. You've got a yacht. And... Boys! Loads of fellas. Hunky guys down there. Possibly even a boyfriend! Who's to say at this stage. But, a lot of good looking fellas down there. And, ah, a boy band as well! That haven't seen a woman in years. And they're not picky at all. They don't care if you've got a bit of brain damage. If you've been running around sweating. And... A farm! A pony farm! And... Just jump down, would ya?
Listens:
131249
Who:
Wheatley
Like the potato!
Listens:
119661
Who:
Defective Turret
A, A, A, A, A, A. [NNNT!] No. A, A, A, A, A, B. [NNNT!] Hold on, I've done both of these. Skip ahead. A, B, C... D, G, H.[DING!]
Listens:
115817
Who:
Wheatley
Demand to see life's manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I'm the man who's going to burn your house down! With the lemons! I'm going to get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!
Listens:
103252
Who:
Cave Johnson
All right, I've been thinking. When life gives you lemons? Don't make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! 'I don't want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?'
Listens:
85938
Who:
Cave Johnson
[clap clap clap]
Listens:
75275
Who:
GLaDOS
Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-action and adventure-dunna-dunna-na-dunna-na-playing by our own rules-nanana-hanging by our fingers from a mountain-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun...
Listens:
73812
Who:
Core 2
Did you ever stop to think that eventually there’s a point where your name gets mentioned for the very last time. Well, here it is: I’m going to kill you, Chell.
Listens:
71483
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello! This is the part where I kill you.
Listens:
68790
Who:
Wheatley
Hey, nice potato!
Listens:
62896
Who:
Defective Turret
BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD
Listens:
61024
Who:
Wheatley
Space.
Listens:
57382
Who:
Core 1
You know what my days used to be like? I just tested. Nobody murdered me. Or put me in a potato. Or fed me to birds. I had a pretty good life.
Listens:
55576
Who:
GLaDOS
This next test is very dangerous. To help you remain tranquil in the face of almost certain death, smooth jazz will be deployed in three. Two. One. [SMOOTH JAZZ]
Listens:
52361
Who:
Announcer
Lawl
Listens:
49275
Who:
Turret
So... this cat loves lasagna so much that he eats all of the lasagna in his house. Okay, apparently it's not the cat's house or his lasagna. Oh good! The man who owns the lasagna is furious!
Listens:
44267
Who:
GLaDOS
Well done. Here come the test results: You are a horrible person. I'm serious, that's what it says: A horrible person. We weren't even testing for that.
Listens:
42476
Who:
GLaDOS
Nonononononono!
Listens:
42373
Who:
GLaDOS
I'm different...
Listens:
35999
Who:
Turret
Hmm. This Plate must not be calibrated to someone of your... generous... ness. I'll add a few zeros to the maximum weight.
Listens:
35662
Who:
GLaDOS
No! NO! NO! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
Listens:
33920
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh, good. My slow clap processor made it into this thing. So we have that.
Listens:
29307
Who:
GLaDOS
SPAAACE!
Listens:
27769
Who:
Core 1
Okay, fine. Let's all act like humans. 'Look at me. Boy, do I love sweating. Let's convert beef and leaves into energy and excrete them later and go shopping.'
Listens:
26913
Who:
GLaDOS
You really are doing great... Chell.
Listens:
26767
Who:
GLaDOS
It's been a long time. How have you been?
Listens:
26463
Who:
GLaDOS
This next test... [boom!] ..is... [BOOM!] dangerous. I'll be right back.
Listens:
26357
Who:
GLaDOS
Science isn't about WHY. It's about WHY NOT. Why is so much of our science dangerous? Why not marry safe science if you love it so much. In fact, why not invent a special safety door that won't hit you on the butt on the way out, because you are fired.
Listens:
26304
Who:
Cave Johnson
Are you still there?
Listens:
24922
Who:
Turret
Prometheus was punished by the gods for giving the gift of knowledge to man. He was cast into the bowels of the earth and pecked by birds.
Listens:
24437
Who:
Turret
But I'm huge! [laugh turning to maniacal laugh]
Listens:
24000
Who:
Wheatley
Space. Trial. Puttin' the system on trial. In space. Space system. On trial. Guilty. Of being in space! Going to space jail!
Listens:
21674
Who:
Core 1
Federal regulations require me to warn you that this next test chamber... is looking pretty good.
Listens:
21083
Who:
GLaDOS
DANCING is NOT SCIENCE!
Listens:
20551
Who:
GLaDOS
Yeah, take the lemons...
Listens:
19619
Who:
GLaDOS
Dammit, we know! Everybody knows! Space! You! In it! We get it!
Listens:
19351
Who:
Core 2
Agh! Bird! Bird! Kill it! It's evil!
Listens:
19282
Who:
GLaDOS
All these science spheres are made of asbestos, by the way. Keeps out the rats. Let us know if you feel a shortness of breath, a persistent dry cough or your heart stopping. Because that's not part of the test. That's asbestos.
Listens:
18459
Who:
Cave Johnson
Oh... It's you.
Listens:
17272
Who:
GLaDOS
This. Sentence. Is. FALSE don't think about it don't think about it...
Listens:
17019
Who:
GLaDOS
Did you know that people with guilty consciences are more easily startled by loud noises--[train horn]--
Listens:
16658
Who:
GLaDOS
If at first you don't succeed, fail 5 more times.
Listens:
16587
Who:
GLaDOS
[laugh]
Listens:
16330
Who:
Cave Johnson
Aristotle versus Mashy-spike-plate!
Listens:
16161
Who:
Wheatley
If you had underwear? And a butt? I would pull your underwear... right up your butt.
Listens:
15855
Who:
Core 2
Why do I hate you so much? You ever wonder that? I'm brilliant. I’m not bragging. It's an objective fact. I'm the most massive collection of wisdom that’s ever existed. And I hate you. It can't be for no reason. You must deserve it.
Listens:
15199
Who:
GLaDOS
I feel awful about that surprise. Tell you what, let's give your parents a call right now. [phone ringing] The birth parents you are trying to reach do not love you. Please hang up. [Dial tone]
Listens:
14975
Who:
GLaDOS
Get mad!
Listens:
14704
Who:
Turret
Oh... Mr. Johnson...
Listens:
14393
Who:
Caroline
*cough* PRESS THE BUTTON.
Listens:
14336
Who:
Wheatley
Gotta go to space. Lady. Lady.
Listens:
13898
Who:
Core 1
Okay. Look. We both said a lot of things that you're going to regret. But I think we can put our differences behind us. For science. You monster.
Listens:
13756
Who:
GLaDOS
Did you put a virus in them? It's not going to work either. I've got a firewall, mate. Literally, actually, now that I look around. There appears to be literally a wall of fire around this place. Alarming. To say the least.
Listens:
13349
Who:
Wheatley
You are the farthest ever in space. Why me, space? Because you are the best. I'm the best at space? Yes.
Listens:
12500
Who:
Core 1
Good morning. You have been in suspension for nine nine nine... nine nine ni- This courtesy call is to inform you that all test subjects should immediately vacate [FADES OUT]
Listens:
12396
Who:
Announcer
Goodbye Caroline!
Listens:
12383
Who:
Caroline
You're not just a regular moron. You were DESIGNED to be a moron.
Listens:
12289
Who:
GLaDOS
I know how humans make more humans, and frankly, it's ridiculous. It also assumes that you already have a human, which I hope somebody got fired over. So I came up a with BETTER way.
Listens:
11833
Who:
GLaDOS
He's not just a regular moron. He's the product of the greatest minds of a generation working together with the express purpose of building the dumbest moron who ever lived. And you just put him in charge of the entire facility.
Listens:
11786
Who:
GLaDOS
'Goodbye, Caroline.'
Listens:
11745
Who:
Caroline
Interpreting vague answer as YES.
Listens:
11509
Who:
Announcer
Am I being too vague? I despise you. I loathe you. You arrogant, smugly quiet, awful jumpsuited monster of a woman. You and your little potato friend. This place would have been a triumph if it wasn't for you!
Listens:
11345
Who:
Wheatley
Nobody is going to space, mate!
Listens:
11269
Who:
Wheatley
Glorious freedom!
Listens:
11114
Who:
Turret
I don't blame you
Listens:
10935
Who:
Turret
I don't want this!
Listens:
10830
Who:
Caroline
Good news is, the lab boys say the symptoms of asbestos poisoning show a median latency of forty-four point six years, so if you're thirty or older, you're laughing. Worst case scenario, you miss out on a few rounds of canasta, plus you forwarded the cause of science by three centuries. I punch those numbers into my calculator, it makes a happy face.
Listens:
10826
Who:
Cave Johnson
Explosion imminent. Evacuate the facility immediately.
Listens:
10755
Who:
Announcer
Um. 'TRUE'. I'll go 'true'.
Listens:
10484
Who:
Wheatley
Still, it turns out they're a great portal conductor. So now we're gonna see if jumping in and out of these new portals can somehow leech the lunar poison out of a man's bloodstream. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. [coughs] Let's all stay positive and do some science.
Listens:
10421
Who:
Cave Johnson
Lady. I love space. I know! Spell it! S P... AACE. Space. Space.
Listens:
10326
Who:
Core 1
Hello? Friend.
Listens:
10273
Who:
Turret
The bean counters told me we literally could not afford to buy seven dollars worth of moon rocks, much less seventy million. Bought 'em anyway. Ground 'em up, mixed em into a gel.
Listens:
9898
Who:
Cave Johnson
I was getting SO lonely down here. It's good to finally hear someone else's voice. I'm kidding, of course. God, I hate you.
Listens:
9803
Who:
GLaDOS
[clap clap]
Listens:
9434
Who:
GLaDOS
Goodbye, Caroline.
Listens:
9299
Who:
GLaDOS
Don't make lemonade!
Listens:
9290
Who:
Turret
Space? SPACE!
Listens:
9238
Who:
Core 1
Hey! Moron!
Listens:
9189
Who:
GLaDOS
SPACE!
Listens:
9147
Who:
Wheatley
No, listen to me! Sir, I do not want this!
Listens:
9089
Who:
Caroline
I can't see a thing. What just happened? Better open fire! [click click click click] Dang!
Listens:
9064
Who:
Defective Turret
Bad news is we're postponing those tests indefinitely. Good news is we've got a much better test for you: fighting an army of mantis men. Pick up a rifle and follow the yellow line. You'll know when the test starts.
Listens:
8984
Who:
Cave Johnson
Oo. Oo. Oo. Lady. Oo. Lady. Oo. Let's go to space.
Listens:
8976
Who:
Core 1
Caroline deleted.
Listens:
8968
Who:
Announcer
Space space wanna go to space yes please space. Space space. Go to space.
Listens:
8966
Who:
Core 1
Ba! Ba! Ba ba ba! Space! Ba! Ba! Ba ba ba!
Listens:
8957
Who:
Core 1
You messed with the wrong turret!
Listens:
8944
Who:
Defective Turret
They say the old caretaker of this place went absolutely crazy. Chopped up his entire staff. Of robots. All of them robots. They say at night you can still hear the screams. Of their replicas. All of them functionally indistinguishable from the originals. No memory of the incident. Nobody knows what they’re screaming about. Absolutely terrifying. Though obviously not paranormal in any meaningful way.
Listens:
8905
Who:
Wheatley
The Space Sphere will never go to space.
Listens:
8904
Who:
Core 3
One of these times you'll be so fat that you'll jump, and you'll just drop like a stone. Into acid, probably. Like a potato into a deep fat fryer.
Listens:
8892
Who:
GLaDOS
Well, you know the old formula: Comedy equals tragedy plus time. And you have been asleep for a while. So I guess it's actually pretty funny when you do the math.
Listens:
8891
Who:
GLaDOS
I'll tell ya, it's times like this I wish I had a waist so I could wear all my black belts. Yeah, I'm a black belt. In pretty much everything. Karate. Larate. Jiu Jitsu. Kick punching. Belt making. Taekwondo... Bedroom.
Listens:
8890
Who:
Core 2
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