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Portal 2
Portal 2 DLC
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Portal 1 Music
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TF2 Music
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BECAUSE I'M A POTATO.
Listens:
704950
Who:
GLaDOS
Ha! I like your style. You make up your own rules, just like me.
Listens:
623950
Who:
Cave Johnson
SPAAACCCCCE!
Listens:
551172
Who:
Core 1
Dad! I'm in space! [low-pitched 'space' voice] I'm proud of you, son. [normal voice] Dad, are you space? [low-pitched 'space' voice] Yes. Now we are a family again.
Listens:
436139
Who:
Core 1
Ohmygodohmygodohmygod! I'm in space!
Listens:
353759
Who:
Core 1
[beep] Sarcasm Self Test complete. [beep]
Listens:
288466
Who:
Announcer
What's your favorite thing about space? Mine is space.
Listens:
199205
Who:
Core 1
Um. You've got a yacht. And... Boys! Loads of fellas. Hunky guys down there. Possibly even a boyfriend! Who's to say at this stage. But, a lot of good looking fellas down there. And, ah, a boy band as well! That haven't seen a woman in years. And they're not picky at all. They don't care if you've got a bit of brain damage. If you've been running around sweating. And... A farm! A pony farm! And... Just jump down, would ya?
Listens:
171659
Who:
Wheatley
Like the potato!
Listens:
166178
Who:
Defective Turret
A, A, A, A, A, A. [NNNT!] No. A, A, A, A, A, B. [NNNT!] Hold on, I've done both of these. Skip ahead. A, B, C... D, G, H.[DING!]
Listens:
155414
Who:
Wheatley
Demand to see life's manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I'm the man who's going to burn your house down! With the lemons! I'm going to get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!
Listens:
136379
Who:
Cave Johnson
[clap clap clap]
Listens:
115459
Who:
GLaDOS
All right, I've been thinking. When life gives you lemons? Don't make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! 'I don't want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?'
Listens:
112352
Who:
Cave Johnson
Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-action and adventure-dunna-dunna-na-dunna-na-playing by our own rules-nanana-hanging by our fingers from a mountain-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun...
Listens:
103169
Who:
Core 2
Did you ever stop to think that eventually there’s a point where your name gets mentioned for the very last time. Well, here it is: I’m going to kill you, Chell.
Listens:
96621
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello! This is the part where I kill you.
Listens:
95024
Who:
Wheatley
BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD
Listens:
91217
Who:
Wheatley
Space.
Listens:
89121
Who:
Core 1
Hey, nice potato!
Listens:
88627
Who:
Defective Turret
You know what my days used to be like? I just tested. Nobody murdered me. Or put me in a potato. Or fed me to birds. I had a pretty good life.
Listens:
77010
Who:
GLaDOS
Lawl
Listens:
76864
Who:
Turret
This next test is very dangerous. To help you remain tranquil in the face of almost certain death, smooth jazz will be deployed in three. Two. One. [SMOOTH JAZZ]
Listens:
71504
Who:
Announcer
Well done. Here come the test results: You are a horrible person. I'm serious, that's what it says: A horrible person. We weren't even testing for that.
Listens:
65555
Who:
GLaDOS
Nonononononono!
Listens:
63386
Who:
GLaDOS
So... this cat loves lasagna so much that he eats all of the lasagna in his house. Okay, apparently it's not the cat's house or his lasagna. Oh good! The man who owns the lasagna is furious!
Listens:
60916
Who:
GLaDOS
I'm different...
Listens:
59480
Who:
Turret
No! NO! NO! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
Listens:
59109
Who:
GLaDOS
Hmm. This Plate must not be calibrated to someone of your... generous... ness. I'll add a few zeros to the maximum weight.
Listens:
47823
Who:
GLaDOS
Are you still there?
Listens:
47132
Who:
Turret
Oh, good. My slow clap processor made it into this thing. So we have that.
Listens:
46913
Who:
GLaDOS
SPAAACE!
Listens:
44427
Who:
Core 1
This next test... [boom!] ..is... [BOOM!] dangerous. I'll be right back.
Listens:
42678
Who:
GLaDOS
Science isn't about WHY. It's about WHY NOT. Why is so much of our science dangerous? Why not marry safe science if you love it so much. In fact, why not invent a special safety door that won't hit you on the butt on the way out, because you are fired.
Listens:
41579
Who:
Cave Johnson
Okay, fine. Let's all act like humans. 'Look at me. Boy, do I love sweating. Let's convert beef and leaves into energy and excrete them later and go shopping.'
Listens:
40430
Who:
GLaDOS
It's been a long time. How have you been?
Listens:
39857
Who:
GLaDOS
DANCING is NOT SCIENCE!
Listens:
37995
Who:
GLaDOS
You really are doing great... Chell.
Listens:
37482
Who:
GLaDOS
Prometheus was punished by the gods for giving the gift of knowledge to man. He was cast into the bowels of the earth and pecked by birds.
Listens:
36252
Who:
Turret
Oh... It's you.
Listens:
34486
Who:
GLaDOS
But I'm huge! [laugh turning to maniacal laugh]
Listens:
33652
Who:
Wheatley
Yeah, take the lemons...
Listens:
31993
Who:
GLaDOS
Space. Trial. Puttin' the system on trial. In space. Space system. On trial. Guilty. Of being in space! Going to space jail!
Listens:
31316
Who:
Core 1
Agh! Bird! Bird! Kill it! It's evil!
Listens:
31185
Who:
GLaDOS
Federal regulations require me to warn you that this next test chamber... is looking pretty good.
Listens:
29402
Who:
GLaDOS
[laugh]
Listens:
29012
Who:
Cave Johnson
All these science spheres are made of asbestos, by the way. Keeps out the rats. Let us know if you feel a shortness of breath, a persistent dry cough or your heart stopping. Because that's not part of the test. That's asbestos.
Listens:
27703
Who:
Cave Johnson
Dammit, we know! Everybody knows! Space! You! In it! We get it!
Listens:
27570
Who:
Core 2
Get mad!
Listens:
27425
Who:
Turret
This. Sentence. Is. FALSE don't think about it don't think about it...
Listens:
27178
Who:
GLaDOS
Did you know that people with guilty consciences are more easily startled by loud noises--[train horn]--
Listens:
27165
Who:
GLaDOS
*cough* PRESS THE BUTTON.
Listens:
27165
Who:
Wheatley
If at first you don't succeed, fail 5 more times.
Listens:
25365
Who:
GLaDOS
Why do I hate you so much? You ever wonder that? I'm brilliant. I’m not bragging. It's an objective fact. I'm the most massive collection of wisdom that’s ever existed. And I hate you. It can't be for no reason. You must deserve it.
Listens:
24948
Who:
GLaDOS
I feel awful about that surprise. Tell you what, let's give your parents a call right now. [phone ringing] The birth parents you are trying to reach do not love you. Please hang up. [Dial tone]
Listens:
24764
Who:
GLaDOS
Aristotle versus Mashy-spike-plate!
Listens:
24131
Who:
Wheatley
Okay. Look. We both said a lot of things that you're going to regret. But I think we can put our differences behind us. For science. You monster.
Listens:
23196
Who:
GLaDOS
If you had underwear? And a butt? I would pull your underwear... right up your butt.
Listens:
23193
Who:
Core 2
Oh... Mr. Johnson...
Listens:
22681
Who:
Caroline
Hello? Friend.
Listens:
22626
Who:
Turret
Good morning. You have been in suspension for nine nine nine... nine nine ni- This courtesy call is to inform you that all test subjects should immediately vacate [FADES OUT]
Listens:
22310
Who:
Announcer
Gotta go to space. Lady. Lady.
Listens:
22163
Who:
Core 1
He's not just a regular moron. He's the product of the greatest minds of a generation working together with the express purpose of building the dumbest moron who ever lived. And you just put him in charge of the entire facility.
Listens:
21838
Who:
GLaDOS
Goodbye Caroline!
Listens:
20903
Who:
Caroline
You're not just a regular moron. You were DESIGNED to be a moron.
Listens:
20837
Who:
GLaDOS
Explosion imminent. Evacuate the facility immediately.
Listens:
20644
Who:
Announcer
Interpreting vague answer as YES.
Listens:
20311
Who:
Announcer
Did you put a virus in them? It's not going to work either. I've got a firewall, mate. Literally, actually, now that I look around. There appears to be literally a wall of fire around this place. Alarming. To say the least.
Listens:
20230
Who:
Wheatley
I don't blame you
Listens:
20123
Who:
Turret
I know how humans make more humans, and frankly, it's ridiculous. It also assumes that you already have a human, which I hope somebody got fired over. So I came up a with BETTER way.
Listens:
19911
Who:
GLaDOS
Glorious freedom!
Listens:
19788
Who:
Turret
'Goodbye, Caroline.'
Listens:
19605
Who:
Caroline
You are the farthest ever in space. Why me, space? Because you are the best. I'm the best at space? Yes.
Listens:
19004
Who:
Core 1
Hey! Moron!
Listens:
18701
Who:
GLaDOS
Space? SPACE!
Listens:
18487
Who:
Core 1
Nobody is going to space, mate!
Listens:
17979
Who:
Wheatley
Am I being too vague? I despise you. I loathe you. You arrogant, smugly quiet, awful jumpsuited monster of a woman. You and your little potato friend. This place would have been a triumph if it wasn't for you!
Listens:
17893
Who:
Wheatley
Good news is, the lab boys say the symptoms of asbestos poisoning show a median latency of forty-four point six years, so if you're thirty or older, you're laughing. Worst case scenario, you miss out on a few rounds of canasta, plus you forwarded the cause of science by three centuries. I punch those numbers into my calculator, it makes a happy face.
Listens:
17865
Who:
Cave Johnson
Lady. I love space. I know! Spell it! S P... AACE. Space. Space.
Listens:
17627
Who:
Core 1
[clap clap]
Listens:
17345
Who:
GLaDOS
SPACE!
Listens:
17198
Who:
Wheatley
I can't see a thing. What just happened? Better open fire! [click click click click] Dang!
Listens:
17159
Who:
Defective Turret
Don't make lemonade!
Listens:
17115
Who:
Turret
Um. 'TRUE'. I'll go 'true'.
Listens:
16819
Who:
Wheatley
Caroline deleted.
Listens:
16780
Who:
Announcer
I was getting SO lonely down here. It's good to finally hear someone else's voice. I'm kidding, of course. God, I hate you.
Listens:
16664
Who:
GLaDOS
Goodbye, Caroline.
Listens:
16257
Who:
GLaDOS
Still, it turns out they're a great portal conductor. So now we're gonna see if jumping in and out of these new portals can somehow leech the lunar poison out of a man's bloodstream. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. [coughs] Let's all stay positive and do some science.
Listens:
16041
Who:
Cave Johnson
Ba! Ba! Ba ba ba! Space! Ba! Ba! Ba ba ba!
Listens:
15993
Who:
Core 1
I don't want this!
Listens:
15987
Who:
Caroline
You messed with the wrong turret!
Listens:
15830
Who:
Defective Turret
Oo. Oo. Oo. Lady. Oo. Lady. Oo. Let's go to space.
Listens:
15365
Who:
Core 1
Well, you know the old formula: Comedy equals tragedy plus time. And you have been asleep for a while. So I guess it's actually pretty funny when you do the math.
Listens:
15300
Who:
GLaDOS
One of these times you'll be so fat that you'll jump, and you'll just drop like a stone. Into acid, probably. Like a potato into a deep fat fryer.
Listens:
15241
Who:
GLaDOS
No, listen to me! Sir, I do not want this!
Listens:
15233
Who:
Caroline
They say the old caretaker of this place went absolutely crazy. Chopped up his entire staff. Of robots. All of them robots. They say at night you can still hear the screams. Of their replicas. All of them functionally indistinguishable from the originals. No memory of the incident. Nobody knows what they’re screaming about. Absolutely terrifying. Though obviously not paranormal in any meaningful way.
Listens:
15231
Who:
Wheatley
Space space wanna go to space yes please space. Space space. Go to space.
Listens:
15228
Who:
Core 1
The Space Sphere will never go to space.
Listens:
15224
Who:
Core 3
The bean counters told me we literally could not afford to buy seven dollars worth of moon rocks, much less seventy million. Bought 'em anyway. Ground 'em up, mixed em into a gel.
Listens:
15214
Who:
Cave Johnson
Bad news is we're postponing those tests indefinitely. Good news is we've got a much better test for you: fighting an army of mantis men. Pick up a rifle and follow the yellow line. You'll know when the test starts.
Listens:
15213
Who:
Cave Johnson
I'll tell ya, it's times like this I wish I had a waist so I could wear all my black belts. Yeah, I'm a black belt. In pretty much everything. Karate. Larate. Jiu Jitsu. Kick punching. Belt making. Taekwondo... Bedroom.
Listens:
15213
Who:
Core 2
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