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Portal 2
Portal 2 DLC
Portal 2 PTI
Portal 2 Music
Portal 1
Portal 1 Music
Team Fortress 2
TF2 Music
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Ha! I like your style. You make up your own rules, just like me.
Listens:
334399
Who:
Cave Johnson
BECAUSE I'M A POTATO.
Listens:
334394
Who:
GLaDOS
SPAAACCCCCE!
Listens:
268689
Who:
Core 1
Dad! I'm in space! [low-pitched 'space' voice] I'm proud of you, son. [normal voice] Dad, are you space? [low-pitched 'space' voice] Yes. Now we are a family again.
Listens:
238881
Who:
Core 1
Ohmygodohmygodohmygod! I'm in space!
Listens:
204034
Who:
Core 1
[beep] Sarcasm Self Test complete. [beep]
Listens:
154451
Who:
Announcer
What's your favorite thing about space? Mine is space.
Listens:
107517
Who:
Core 1
Um. You've got a yacht. And... Boys! Loads of fellas. Hunky guys down there. Possibly even a boyfriend! Who's to say at this stage. But, a lot of good looking fellas down there. And, ah, a boy band as well! That haven't seen a woman in years. And they're not picky at all. They don't care if you've got a bit of brain damage. If you've been running around sweating. And... A farm! A pony farm! And... Just jump down, would ya?
Listens:
80427
Who:
Wheatley
Like the potato!
Listens:
72340
Who:
Defective Turret
A, A, A, A, A, A. [NNNT!] No. A, A, A, A, A, B. [NNNT!] Hold on, I've done both of these. Skip ahead. A, B, C... D, G, H.[DING!]
Listens:
67773
Who:
Wheatley
Demand to see life's manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I'm the man who's going to burn your house down! With the lemons! I'm going to get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!
Listens:
60519
Who:
Cave Johnson
All right, I've been thinking. When life gives you lemons? Don't make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! 'I don't want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?'
Listens:
52042
Who:
Cave Johnson
Did you ever stop to think that eventually there’s a point where your name gets mentioned for the very last time. Well, here it is: I’m going to kill you, Chell.
Listens:
42182
Who:
GLaDOS
[clap clap clap]
Listens:
38743
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello! This is the part where I kill you.
Listens:
38543
Who:
Wheatley
Hey, nice potato!
Listens:
36672
Who:
Defective Turret
BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD
Listens:
35183
Who:
Wheatley
Space.
Listens:
31079
Who:
Core 1
Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-action and adventure-dunna-dunna-na-dunna-na-playing by our own rules-nanana-hanging by our fingers from a mountain-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun...
Listens:
29552
Who:
Core 2
This next test is very dangerous. To help you remain tranquil in the face of almost certain death, smooth jazz will be deployed in three. Two. One. [SMOOTH JAZZ]
Listens:
29514
Who:
Announcer
Lawl
Listens:
27900
Who:
Turret
So... this cat loves lasagna so much that he eats all of the lasagna in his house. Okay, apparently it's not the cat's house or his lasagna. Oh good! The man who owns the lasagna is furious!
Listens:
25596
Who:
GLaDOS
Nonononononono!
Listens:
22649
Who:
GLaDOS
Hmm. This Plate must not be calibrated to someone of your... generous... ness. I'll add a few zeros to the maximum weight.
Listens:
17724
Who:
GLaDOS
Well done. Here come the test results: You are a horrible person. I'm serious, that's what it says: A horrible person. We weren't even testing for that.
Listens:
16345
Who:
GLaDOS
I'm different...
Listens:
16182
Who:
Turret
No! NO! NO! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
Listens:
15268
Who:
GLaDOS
You really are doing great... Chell.
Listens:
15019
Who:
GLaDOS
This next test... [boom!] ..is... [BOOM!] dangerous. I'll be right back.
Listens:
14671
Who:
GLaDOS
Okay, fine. Let's all act like humans. 'Look at me. Boy, do I love sweating. Let's convert beef and leaves into energy and excrete them later and go shopping.'
Listens:
14517
Who:
GLaDOS
SPAAACE!
Listens:
13798
Who:
Core 1
But I'm huge! [laugh turning to maniacal laugh]
Listens:
12140
Who:
Wheatley
Oh, good. My slow clap processor made it into this thing. So we have that.
Listens:
10891
Who:
GLaDOS
Space. Trial. Puttin' the system on trial. In space. Space system. On trial. Guilty. Of being in space! Going to space jail!
Listens:
10855
Who:
Core 1
Yeah, take the lemons...
Listens:
10790
Who:
GLaDOS
Prometheus was punished by the gods for giving the gift of knowledge to man. He was cast into the bowels of the earth and pecked by birds.
Listens:
10060
Who:
Turret
Dammit, we know! Everybody knows! Space! You! In it! We get it!
Listens:
10042
Who:
Core 2
Agh! Bird! Bird! Kill it! It's evil!
Listens:
9845
Who:
GLaDOS
DANCING is NOT SCIENCE!
Listens:
9720
Who:
GLaDOS
It's been a long time. How have you been?
Listens:
9469
Who:
GLaDOS
Science isn't about WHY. It's about WHY NOT. Why is so much of our science dangerous? Why not marry safe science if you love it so much. In fact, why not invent a special safety door that won't hit you on the butt on the way out, because you are fired.
Listens:
9435
Who:
Cave Johnson
Aristotle versus Mashy-spike-plate!
Listens:
9403
Who:
Wheatley
[laugh]
Listens:
9252
Who:
Cave Johnson
All these science spheres are made of asbestos, by the way. Keeps out the rats. Let us know if you feel a shortness of breath, a persistent dry cough or your heart stopping. Because that's not part of the test. That's asbestos.
Listens:
8947
Who:
Cave Johnson
Federal regulations require me to warn you that this next test chamber... is looking pretty good.
Listens:
8590
Who:
GLaDOS
Did you know that people with guilty consciences are more easily startled by loud noises--[train horn]--
Listens:
8419
Who:
GLaDOS
You know what my days used to be like? I just tested. Nobody murdered me. Or put me in a potato. Or fed me to birds. I had a pretty good life.
Listens:
8176
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh... Mr. Johnson...
Listens:
8124
Who:
Caroline
I feel awful about that surprise. Tell you what, let's give your parents a call right now. [phone ringing] The birth parents you are trying to reach do not love you. Please hang up. [Dial tone]
Listens:
7992
Who:
GLaDOS
If you had underwear? And a butt? I would pull your underwear... right up your butt.
Listens:
7828
Who:
Core 2
Gotta go to space. Lady. Lady.
Listens:
7745
Who:
Core 1
*cough* PRESS THE BUTTON.
Listens:
7683
Who:
Wheatley
Are you still there?
Listens:
7507
Who:
Turret
Did you put a virus in them? It's not going to work either. I've got a firewall, mate. Literally, actually, now that I look around. There appears to be literally a wall of fire around this place. Alarming. To say the least.
Listens:
7485
Who:
Wheatley
Goodbye Caroline!
Listens:
7127
Who:
Caroline
If at first you don't succeed, fail 5 more times.
Listens:
6996
Who:
GLaDOS
Why do I hate you so much? You ever wonder that? I'm brilliant. I’m not bragging. It's an objective fact. I'm the most massive collection of wisdom that’s ever existed. And I hate you. It can't be for no reason. You must deserve it.
Listens:
6513
Who:
GLaDOS
Get mad!
Listens:
6465
Who:
Turret
'Goodbye, Caroline.'
Listens:
6459
Who:
Caroline
You are the farthest ever in space. Why me, space? Because you are the best. I'm the best at space? Yes.
Listens:
6421
Who:
Core 1
Nobody is going to space, mate!
Listens:
6358
Who:
Wheatley
I know how humans make more humans, and frankly, it's ridiculous. It also assumes that you already have a human, which I hope somebody got fired over. So I came up a with BETTER way.
Listens:
6208
Who:
GLaDOS
I don't want this!
Listens:
5949
Who:
Caroline
Glorious freedom!
Listens:
5516
Who:
Turret
The bean counters told me we literally could not afford to buy seven dollars worth of moon rocks, much less seventy million. Bought 'em anyway. Ground 'em up, mixed em into a gel.
Listens:
5500
Who:
Cave Johnson
Interpreting vague answer as YES.
Listens:
5406
Who:
Announcer
You're not just a regular moron. You were DESIGNED to be a moron.
Listens:
5204
Who:
GLaDOS
No, listen to me! Sir, I do not want this!
Listens:
5119
Who:
Caroline
Good morning. You have been in suspension for nine nine nine... nine nine ni- This courtesy call is to inform you that all test subjects should immediately vacate [FADES OUT]
Listens:
5079
Who:
Announcer
I don't blame you
Listens:
5064
Who:
Turret
Still, it turns out they're a great portal conductor. So now we're gonna see if jumping in and out of these new portals can somehow leech the lunar poison out of a man's bloodstream. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. [coughs] Let's all stay positive and do some science.
Listens:
5063
Who:
Cave Johnson
Lady. I love space. I know! Spell it! S P... AACE. Space. Space.
Listens:
5046
Who:
Core 1
Explosion imminent. Evacuate the facility immediately.
Listens:
4919
Who:
Announcer
He's not just a regular moron. He's the product of the greatest minds of a generation working together with the express purpose of building the dumbest moron who ever lived. And you just put him in charge of the entire facility.
Listens:
4772
Who:
GLaDOS
This. Sentence. Is. FALSE don't think about it don't think about it...
Listens:
4761
Who:
GLaDOS
Goodbye, Caroline.
Listens:
4625
Who:
GLaDOS
I was getting SO lonely down here. It's good to finally hear someone else's voice. I'm kidding, of course. God, I hate you.
Listens:
4576
Who:
GLaDOS
Don't make lemonade!
Listens:
4543
Who:
Turret
Space? SPACE!
Listens:
4408
Who:
Core 1
Bad news is we're postponing those tests indefinitely. Good news is we've got a much better test for you: fighting an army of mantis men. Pick up a rifle and follow the yellow line. You'll know when the test starts.
Listens:
4369
Who:
Cave Johnson
Oo. Oo. Oo. Lady. Oo. Lady. Oo. Let's go to space.
Listens:
4361
Who:
Core 1
Hey! Moron!
Listens:
4335
Who:
GLaDOS
SPACE!
Listens:
4220
Who:
Wheatley
I'll tell ya, it's times like this I wish I had a waist so I could wear all my black belts. Yeah, I'm a black belt. In pretty much everything. Karate. Larate. Jiu Jitsu. Kick punching. Belt making. Taekwondo... Bedroom.
Listens:
4199
Who:
Core 2
You messed with the wrong turret!
Listens:
4146
Who:
Defective Turret
I can't see a thing. What just happened? Better open fire! [click click click click] Dang!
Listens:
4048
Who:
Defective Turret
Hello? Friend.
Listens:
3981
Who:
Turret
Space space wanna go to space yes please space. Space space. Go to space.
Listens:
3949
Who:
Core 1
They say the old caretaker of this place went absolutely crazy. Chopped up his entire staff. Of robots. All of them robots. They say at night you can still hear the screams. Of their replicas. All of them functionally indistinguishable from the originals. No memory of the incident. Nobody knows what they’re screaming about. Absolutely terrifying. Though obviously not paranormal in any meaningful way.
Listens:
3944
Who:
Wheatley
Ba! Ba! Ba ba ba! Space! Ba! Ba! Ba ba ba!
Listens:
3904
Who:
Core 1
OW! You stabbed me! What is WRONG with yo-WhoOOAAahhh. Hold on. Do you have a multimeter? Nevermind. The gun must be part magnesium... It feels like I'm outputting an extra half a volt. Keep an eye on me: I'm going to do some scheming. Here I g-[BZZZ!]
Listens:
3902
Who:
GLaDOS
One of these times you'll be so fat that you'll jump, and you'll just drop like a stone. Into acid, probably. Like a potato into a deep fat fryer.
Listens:
3894
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh no! nonononono!
Listens:
3887
Who:
Wheatley
[clap clap]
Listens:
3886
Who:
GLaDOS
The Space Sphere will never go to space.
Listens:
3884
Who:
Core 3
This next test applies the principles of momentum to movement through portals. If the laws of physics no longer apply in the future, God help you.
Listens:
3884
Who:
GLaDOS
Yes sir, Mr. Johnson
Listens:
3883
Who:
Caroline
YEEEHAAAAAW!
Listens:
3883
Who:
Core 1
Caroline deleted.
Listens:
3882
Who:
Announcer
Good!
Listens:
3876
Who:
Announcer
00:00 / 00:00
Test Player
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