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Portal 2
Portal 2 DLC
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Portal 1 Music
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TF2 Music
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BECAUSE I'M A POTATO.
Listens:
688972
Who:
GLaDOS
Ha! I like your style. You make up your own rules, just like me.
Listens:
616924
Who:
Cave Johnson
SPAAACCCCCE!
Listens:
542086
Who:
Core 1
Dad! I'm in space! [low-pitched 'space' voice] I'm proud of you, son. [normal voice] Dad, are you space? [low-pitched 'space' voice] Yes. Now we are a family again.
Listens:
430120
Who:
Core 1
Ohmygodohmygodohmygod! I'm in space!
Listens:
348575
Who:
Core 1
[beep] Sarcasm Self Test complete. [beep]
Listens:
282453
Who:
Announcer
What's your favorite thing about space? Mine is space.
Listens:
195526
Who:
Core 1
Um. You've got a yacht. And... Boys! Loads of fellas. Hunky guys down there. Possibly even a boyfriend! Who's to say at this stage. But, a lot of good looking fellas down there. And, ah, a boy band as well! That haven't seen a woman in years. And they're not picky at all. They don't care if you've got a bit of brain damage. If you've been running around sweating. And... A farm! A pony farm! And... Just jump down, would ya?
Listens:
167018
Who:
Wheatley
Like the potato!
Listens:
161041
Who:
Defective Turret
A, A, A, A, A, A. [NNNT!] No. A, A, A, A, A, B. [NNNT!] Hold on, I've done both of these. Skip ahead. A, B, C... D, G, H.[DING!]
Listens:
150869
Who:
Wheatley
Demand to see life's manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I'm the man who's going to burn your house down! With the lemons! I'm going to get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!
Listens:
132379
Who:
Cave Johnson
[clap clap clap]
Listens:
110029
Who:
GLaDOS
All right, I've been thinking. When life gives you lemons? Don't make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! 'I don't want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?'
Listens:
109130
Who:
Cave Johnson
Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-action and adventure-dunna-dunna-na-dunna-na-playing by our own rules-nanana-hanging by our fingers from a mountain-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun...
Listens:
100469
Who:
Core 2
Did you ever stop to think that eventually there’s a point where your name gets mentioned for the very last time. Well, here it is: I’m going to kill you, Chell.
Listens:
93351
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello! This is the part where I kill you.
Listens:
91774
Who:
Wheatley
BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD
Listens:
87676
Who:
Wheatley
Hey, nice potato!
Listens:
85578
Who:
Defective Turret
Space.
Listens:
85559
Who:
Core 1
You know what my days used to be like? I just tested. Nobody murdered me. Or put me in a potato. Or fed me to birds. I had a pretty good life.
Listens:
74121
Who:
GLaDOS
Lawl
Listens:
73322
Who:
Turret
This next test is very dangerous. To help you remain tranquil in the face of almost certain death, smooth jazz will be deployed in three. Two. One. [SMOOTH JAZZ]
Listens:
69023
Who:
Announcer
Well done. Here come the test results: You are a horrible person. I'm serious, that's what it says: A horrible person. We weren't even testing for that.
Listens:
62659
Who:
GLaDOS
Nonononononono!
Listens:
60299
Who:
GLaDOS
So... this cat loves lasagna so much that he eats all of the lasagna in his house. Okay, apparently it's not the cat's house or his lasagna. Oh good! The man who owns the lasagna is furious!
Listens:
58483
Who:
GLaDOS
I'm different...
Listens:
56743
Who:
Turret
No! NO! NO! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
Listens:
55622
Who:
GLaDOS
Hmm. This Plate must not be calibrated to someone of your... generous... ness. I'll add a few zeros to the maximum weight.
Listens:
46070
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh, good. My slow clap processor made it into this thing. So we have that.
Listens:
44771
Who:
GLaDOS
Are you still there?
Listens:
44499
Who:
Turret
SPAAACE!
Listens:
42553
Who:
Core 1
This next test... [boom!] ..is... [BOOM!] dangerous. I'll be right back.
Listens:
40338
Who:
GLaDOS
Science isn't about WHY. It's about WHY NOT. Why is so much of our science dangerous? Why not marry safe science if you love it so much. In fact, why not invent a special safety door that won't hit you on the butt on the way out, because you are fired.
Listens:
39604
Who:
Cave Johnson
Okay, fine. Let's all act like humans. 'Look at me. Boy, do I love sweating. Let's convert beef and leaves into energy and excrete them later and go shopping.'
Listens:
38458
Who:
GLaDOS
It's been a long time. How have you been?
Listens:
38079
Who:
GLaDOS
You really are doing great... Chell.
Listens:
36109
Who:
GLaDOS
DANCING is NOT SCIENCE!
Listens:
35646
Who:
GLaDOS
Prometheus was punished by the gods for giving the gift of knowledge to man. He was cast into the bowels of the earth and pecked by birds.
Listens:
34500
Who:
Turret
But I'm huge! [laugh turning to maniacal laugh]
Listens:
32290
Who:
Wheatley
Oh... It's you.
Listens:
31888
Who:
GLaDOS
Yeah, take the lemons...
Listens:
30385
Who:
GLaDOS
Space. Trial. Puttin' the system on trial. In space. Space system. On trial. Guilty. Of being in space! Going to space jail!
Listens:
30123
Who:
Core 1
Agh! Bird! Bird! Kill it! It's evil!
Listens:
29494
Who:
GLaDOS
Federal regulations require me to warn you that this next test chamber... is looking pretty good.
Listens:
28004
Who:
GLaDOS
[laugh]
Listens:
27258
Who:
Cave Johnson
Dammit, we know! Everybody knows! Space! You! In it! We get it!
Listens:
26428
Who:
Core 2
All these science spheres are made of asbestos, by the way. Keeps out the rats. Let us know if you feel a shortness of breath, a persistent dry cough or your heart stopping. Because that's not part of the test. That's asbestos.
Listens:
26349
Who:
Cave Johnson
This. Sentence. Is. FALSE don't think about it don't think about it...
Listens:
25718
Who:
GLaDOS
Get mad!
Listens:
25614
Who:
Turret
*cough* PRESS THE BUTTON.
Listens:
25389
Who:
Wheatley
Did you know that people with guilty consciences are more easily startled by loud noises--[train horn]--
Listens:
25031
Who:
GLaDOS
If at first you don't succeed, fail 5 more times.
Listens:
24088
Who:
GLaDOS
I feel awful about that surprise. Tell you what, let's give your parents a call right now. [phone ringing] The birth parents you are trying to reach do not love you. Please hang up. [Dial tone]
Listens:
23563
Who:
GLaDOS
Why do I hate you so much? You ever wonder that? I'm brilliant. I’m not bragging. It's an objective fact. I'm the most massive collection of wisdom that’s ever existed. And I hate you. It can't be for no reason. You must deserve it.
Listens:
23523
Who:
GLaDOS
Aristotle versus Mashy-spike-plate!
Listens:
22982
Who:
Wheatley
If you had underwear? And a butt? I would pull your underwear... right up your butt.
Listens:
22294
Who:
Core 2
Okay. Look. We both said a lot of things that you're going to regret. But I think we can put our differences behind us. For science. You monster.
Listens:
21804
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh... Mr. Johnson...
Listens:
21550
Who:
Caroline
Gotta go to space. Lady. Lady.
Listens:
21174
Who:
Core 1
Hello? Friend.
Listens:
20906
Who:
Turret
Good morning. You have been in suspension for nine nine nine... nine nine ni- This courtesy call is to inform you that all test subjects should immediately vacate [FADES OUT]
Listens:
20868
Who:
Announcer
He's not just a regular moron. He's the product of the greatest minds of a generation working together with the express purpose of building the dumbest moron who ever lived. And you just put him in charge of the entire facility.
Listens:
20285
Who:
GLaDOS
Goodbye Caroline!
Listens:
19730
Who:
Caroline
You're not just a regular moron. You were DESIGNED to be a moron.
Listens:
19352
Who:
GLaDOS
Did you put a virus in them? It's not going to work either. I've got a firewall, mate. Literally, actually, now that I look around. There appears to be literally a wall of fire around this place. Alarming. To say the least.
Listens:
19270
Who:
Wheatley
Interpreting vague answer as YES.
Listens:
19114
Who:
Announcer
I don't blame you
Listens:
18860
Who:
Turret
I know how humans make more humans, and frankly, it's ridiculous. It also assumes that you already have a human, which I hope somebody got fired over. So I came up a with BETTER way.
Listens:
18809
Who:
GLaDOS
Explosion imminent. Evacuate the facility immediately.
Listens:
18800
Who:
Announcer
Glorious freedom!
Listens:
18649
Who:
Turret
'Goodbye, Caroline.'
Listens:
18582
Who:
Caroline
You are the farthest ever in space. Why me, space? Because you are the best. I'm the best at space? Yes.
Listens:
18225
Who:
Core 1
Hey! Moron!
Listens:
17201
Who:
GLaDOS
Space? SPACE!
Listens:
17199
Who:
Core 1
Nobody is going to space, mate!
Listens:
17009
Who:
Wheatley
Am I being too vague? I despise you. I loathe you. You arrogant, smugly quiet, awful jumpsuited monster of a woman. You and your little potato friend. This place would have been a triumph if it wasn't for you!
Listens:
16938
Who:
Wheatley
Good news is, the lab boys say the symptoms of asbestos poisoning show a median latency of forty-four point six years, so if you're thirty or older, you're laughing. Worst case scenario, you miss out on a few rounds of canasta, plus you forwarded the cause of science by three centuries. I punch those numbers into my calculator, it makes a happy face.
Listens:
16813
Who:
Cave Johnson
Lady. I love space. I know! Spell it! S P... AACE. Space. Space.
Listens:
16670
Who:
Core 1
SPACE!
Listens:
16102
Who:
Wheatley
I can't see a thing. What just happened? Better open fire! [click click click click] Dang!
Listens:
16100
Who:
Defective Turret
[clap clap]
Listens:
16098
Who:
GLaDOS
Don't make lemonade!
Listens:
16037
Who:
Turret
Um. 'TRUE'. I'll go 'true'.
Listens:
15966
Who:
Wheatley
Caroline deleted.
Listens:
15672
Who:
Announcer
I was getting SO lonely down here. It's good to finally hear someone else's voice. I'm kidding, of course. God, I hate you.
Listens:
15574
Who:
GLaDOS
Still, it turns out they're a great portal conductor. So now we're gonna see if jumping in and out of these new portals can somehow leech the lunar poison out of a man's bloodstream. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. [coughs] Let's all stay positive and do some science.
Listens:
15251
Who:
Cave Johnson
Goodbye, Caroline.
Listens:
15246
Who:
GLaDOS
I don't want this!
Listens:
15132
Who:
Caroline
Ba! Ba! Ba ba ba! Space! Ba! Ba! Ba ba ba!
Listens:
15087
Who:
Core 1
You messed with the wrong turret!
Listens:
14811
Who:
Defective Turret
Oo. Oo. Oo. Lady. Oo. Lady. Oo. Let's go to space.
Listens:
14511
Who:
Core 1
The bean counters told me we literally could not afford to buy seven dollars worth of moon rocks, much less seventy million. Bought 'em anyway. Ground 'em up, mixed em into a gel.
Listens:
14371
Who:
Cave Johnson
The Space Sphere will never go to space.
Listens:
14337
Who:
Core 3
They say the old caretaker of this place went absolutely crazy. Chopped up his entire staff. Of robots. All of them robots. They say at night you can still hear the screams. Of their replicas. All of them functionally indistinguishable from the originals. No memory of the incident. Nobody knows what they’re screaming about. Absolutely terrifying. Though obviously not paranormal in any meaningful way.
Listens:
14337
Who:
Wheatley
Bad news is we're postponing those tests indefinitely. Good news is we've got a much better test for you: fighting an army of mantis men. Pick up a rifle and follow the yellow line. You'll know when the test starts.
Listens:
14334
Who:
Cave Johnson
Space space wanna go to space yes please space. Space space. Go to space.
Listens:
14317
Who:
Core 1
Well, you know the old formula: Comedy equals tragedy plus time. And you have been asleep for a while. So I guess it's actually pretty funny when you do the math.
Listens:
14313
Who:
GLaDOS
One of these times you'll be so fat that you'll jump, and you'll just drop like a stone. Into acid, probably. Like a potato into a deep fat fryer.
Listens:
14312
Who:
GLaDOS
I'll tell ya, it's times like this I wish I had a waist so I could wear all my black belts. Yeah, I'm a black belt. In pretty much everything. Karate. Larate. Jiu Jitsu. Kick punching. Belt making. Taekwondo... Bedroom.
Listens:
14311
Who:
Core 2
No, listen to me! Sir, I do not want this!
Listens:
14307
Who:
Caroline
00:00 / 00:00
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