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Portal 2
Portal 2 DLC
Portal 2 PTI
Portal 2 Music
Portal 1
Portal 1 Music
Team Fortress 2
TF2 Music
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Ha! I like your style. You make up your own rules, just like me.
Listens:
331547
Who:
Cave Johnson
BECAUSE I'M A POTATO.
Listens:
331547
Who:
GLaDOS
SPAAACCCCCE!
Listens:
265953
Who:
Core 1
Dad! I'm in space! [low-pitched 'space' voice] I'm proud of you, son. [normal voice] Dad, are you space? [low-pitched 'space' voice] Yes. Now we are a family again.
Listens:
236925
Who:
Core 1
Ohmygodohmygodohmygod! I'm in space!
Listens:
202482
Who:
Core 1
[beep] Sarcasm Self Test complete. [beep]
Listens:
153298
Who:
Announcer
What's your favorite thing about space? Mine is space.
Listens:
106732
Who:
Core 1
Um. You've got a yacht. And... Boys! Loads of fellas. Hunky guys down there. Possibly even a boyfriend! Who's to say at this stage. But, a lot of good looking fellas down there. And, ah, a boy band as well! That haven't seen a woman in years. And they're not picky at all. They don't care if you've got a bit of brain damage. If you've been running around sweating. And... A farm! A pony farm! And... Just jump down, would ya?
Listens:
79750
Who:
Wheatley
Like the potato!
Listens:
71629
Who:
Defective Turret
A, A, A, A, A, A. [NNNT!] No. A, A, A, A, A, B. [NNNT!] Hold on, I've done both of these. Skip ahead. A, B, C... D, G, H.[DING!]
Listens:
67124
Who:
Wheatley
Demand to see life's manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I'm the man who's going to burn your house down! With the lemons! I'm going to get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!
Listens:
59959
Who:
Cave Johnson
All right, I've been thinking. When life gives you lemons? Don't make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! 'I don't want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?'
Listens:
51604
Who:
Cave Johnson
Did you ever stop to think that eventually there’s a point where your name gets mentioned for the very last time. Well, here it is: I’m going to kill you, Chell.
Listens:
41814
Who:
GLaDOS
[clap clap clap]
Listens:
38302
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello! This is the part where I kill you.
Listens:
38187
Who:
Wheatley
Hey, nice potato!
Listens:
36333
Who:
Defective Turret
BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD
Listens:
34882
Who:
Wheatley
Space.
Listens:
30785
Who:
Core 1
Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-action and adventure-dunna-dunna-na-dunna-na-playing by our own rules-nanana-hanging by our fingers from a mountain-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun...
Listens:
28320
Who:
Core 2
This next test is very dangerous. To help you remain tranquil in the face of almost certain death, smooth jazz will be deployed in three. Two. One. [SMOOTH JAZZ]
Listens:
28314
Who:
Announcer
Lawl
Listens:
27661
Who:
Turret
So... this cat loves lasagna so much that he eats all of the lasagna in his house. Okay, apparently it's not the cat's house or his lasagna. Oh good! The man who owns the lasagna is furious!
Listens:
25384
Who:
GLaDOS
Nonononononono!
Listens:
22444
Who:
GLaDOS
Hmm. This Plate must not be calibrated to someone of your... generous... ness. I'll add a few zeros to the maximum weight.
Listens:
17575
Who:
GLaDOS
Well done. Here come the test results: You are a horrible person. I'm serious, that's what it says: A horrible person. We weren't even testing for that.
Listens:
15977
Who:
GLaDOS
I'm different...
Listens:
15948
Who:
Turret
No! NO! NO! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
Listens:
15069
Who:
GLaDOS
You really are doing great... Chell.
Listens:
14906
Who:
GLaDOS
This next test... [boom!] ..is... [BOOM!] dangerous. I'll be right back.
Listens:
14569
Who:
GLaDOS
Okay, fine. Let's all act like humans. 'Look at me. Boy, do I love sweating. Let's convert beef and leaves into energy and excrete them later and go shopping.'
Listens:
14355
Who:
GLaDOS
SPAAACE!
Listens:
13655
Who:
Core 1
But I'm huge! [laugh turning to maniacal laugh]
Listens:
11998
Who:
Wheatley
Space. Trial. Puttin' the system on trial. In space. Space system. On trial. Guilty. Of being in space! Going to space jail!
Listens:
10749
Who:
Core 1
Oh, good. My slow clap processor made it into this thing. So we have that.
Listens:
10739
Who:
GLaDOS
Yeah, take the lemons...
Listens:
10682
Who:
GLaDOS
Dammit, we know! Everybody knows! Space! You! In it! We get it!
Listens:
9947
Who:
Core 2
Prometheus was punished by the gods for giving the gift of knowledge to man. He was cast into the bowels of the earth and pecked by birds.
Listens:
9922
Who:
Turret
Agh! Bird! Bird! Kill it! It's evil!
Listens:
9710
Who:
GLaDOS
DANCING is NOT SCIENCE!
Listens:
9593
Who:
GLaDOS
Aristotle versus Mashy-spike-plate!
Listens:
9311
Who:
Wheatley
It's been a long time. How have you been?
Listens:
9296
Who:
GLaDOS
Science isn't about WHY. It's about WHY NOT. Why is so much of our science dangerous? Why not marry safe science if you love it so much. In fact, why not invent a special safety door that won't hit you on the butt on the way out, because you are fired.
Listens:
9278
Who:
Cave Johnson
[laugh]
Listens:
9176
Who:
Cave Johnson
All these science spheres are made of asbestos, by the way. Keeps out the rats. Let us know if you feel a shortness of breath, a persistent dry cough or your heart stopping. Because that's not part of the test. That's asbestos.
Listens:
8879
Who:
Cave Johnson
Federal regulations require me to warn you that this next test chamber... is looking pretty good.
Listens:
8539
Who:
GLaDOS
Did you know that people with guilty consciences are more easily startled by loud noises--[train horn]--
Listens:
8336
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh... Mr. Johnson...
Listens:
7978
Who:
Caroline
I feel awful about that surprise. Tell you what, let's give your parents a call right now. [phone ringing] The birth parents you are trying to reach do not love you. Please hang up. [Dial tone]
Listens:
7721
Who:
GLaDOS
If you had underwear? And a butt? I would pull your underwear... right up your butt.
Listens:
7711
Who:
Core 2
Gotta go to space. Lady. Lady.
Listens:
7643
Who:
Core 1
You know what my days used to be like? I just tested. Nobody murdered me. Or put me in a potato. Or fed me to birds. I had a pretty good life.
Listens:
7401
Who:
GLaDOS
*cough* PRESS THE BUTTON.
Listens:
7401
Who:
Wheatley
Did you put a virus in them? It's not going to work either. I've got a firewall, mate. Literally, actually, now that I look around. There appears to be literally a wall of fire around this place. Alarming. To say the least.
Listens:
7376
Who:
Wheatley
Are you still there?
Listens:
7301
Who:
Turret
Goodbye Caroline!
Listens:
7066
Who:
Caroline
If at first you don't succeed, fail 5 more times.
Listens:
6735
Who:
GLaDOS
Why do I hate you so much? You ever wonder that? I'm brilliant. I’m not bragging. It's an objective fact. I'm the most massive collection of wisdom that’s ever existed. And I hate you. It can't be for no reason. You must deserve it.
Listens:
6444
Who:
GLaDOS
'Goodbye, Caroline.'
Listens:
6401
Who:
Caroline
Get mad!
Listens:
6383
Who:
Turret
You are the farthest ever in space. Why me, space? Because you are the best. I'm the best at space? Yes.
Listens:
6355
Who:
Core 1
Nobody is going to space, mate!
Listens:
6320
Who:
Wheatley
I know how humans make more humans, and frankly, it's ridiculous. It also assumes that you already have a human, which I hope somebody got fired over. So I came up a with BETTER way.
Listens:
6157
Who:
GLaDOS
I don't want this!
Listens:
5902
Who:
Caroline
Glorious freedom!
Listens:
5471
Who:
Turret
The bean counters told me we literally could not afford to buy seven dollars worth of moon rocks, much less seventy million. Bought 'em anyway. Ground 'em up, mixed em into a gel.
Listens:
5449
Who:
Cave Johnson
Interpreting vague answer as YES.
Listens:
5348
Who:
Announcer
You're not just a regular moron. You were DESIGNED to be a moron.
Listens:
5127
Who:
GLaDOS
No, listen to me! Sir, I do not want this!
Listens:
5073
Who:
Caroline
Still, it turns out they're a great portal conductor. So now we're gonna see if jumping in and out of these new portals can somehow leech the lunar poison out of a man's bloodstream. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. [coughs] Let's all stay positive and do some science.
Listens:
5015
Who:
Cave Johnson
I don't blame you
Listens:
5011
Who:
Turret
Good morning. You have been in suspension for nine nine nine... nine nine ni- This courtesy call is to inform you that all test subjects should immediately vacate [FADES OUT]
Listens:
5006
Who:
Announcer
Lady. I love space. I know! Spell it! S P... AACE. Space. Space.
Listens:
4998
Who:
Core 1
Explosion imminent. Evacuate the facility immediately.
Listens:
4861
Who:
Announcer
He's not just a regular moron. He's the product of the greatest minds of a generation working together with the express purpose of building the dumbest moron who ever lived. And you just put him in charge of the entire facility.
Listens:
4703
Who:
GLaDOS
This. Sentence. Is. FALSE don't think about it don't think about it...
Listens:
4691
Who:
GLaDOS
Goodbye, Caroline.
Listens:
4593
Who:
GLaDOS
I was getting SO lonely down here. It's good to finally hear someone else's voice. I'm kidding, of course. God, I hate you.
Listens:
4542
Who:
GLaDOS
Don't make lemonade!
Listens:
4500
Who:
Turret
Space? SPACE!
Listens:
4360
Who:
Core 1
Bad news is we're postponing those tests indefinitely. Good news is we've got a much better test for you: fighting an army of mantis men. Pick up a rifle and follow the yellow line. You'll know when the test starts.
Listens:
4336
Who:
Cave Johnson
Oo. Oo. Oo. Lady. Oo. Lady. Oo. Let's go to space.
Listens:
4324
Who:
Core 1
Hey! Moron!
Listens:
4283
Who:
GLaDOS
SPACE!
Listens:
4183
Who:
Wheatley
I'll tell ya, it's times like this I wish I had a waist so I could wear all my black belts. Yeah, I'm a black belt. In pretty much everything. Karate. Larate. Jiu Jitsu. Kick punching. Belt making. Taekwondo... Bedroom.
Listens:
4161
Who:
Core 2
You messed with the wrong turret!
Listens:
4113
Who:
Defective Turret
I can't see a thing. What just happened? Better open fire! [click click click click] Dang!
Listens:
4020
Who:
Defective Turret
Space space wanna go to space yes please space. Space space. Go to space.
Listens:
3914
Who:
Core 1
Hello? Friend.
Listens:
3913
Who:
Turret
They say the old caretaker of this place went absolutely crazy. Chopped up his entire staff. Of robots. All of them robots. They say at night you can still hear the screams. Of their replicas. All of them functionally indistinguishable from the originals. No memory of the incident. Nobody knows what they’re screaming about. Absolutely terrifying. Though obviously not paranormal in any meaningful way.
Listens:
3902
Who:
Wheatley
Ba! Ba! Ba ba ba! Space! Ba! Ba! Ba ba ba!
Listens:
3862
Who:
Core 1
The Space Sphere will never go to space.
Listens:
3846
Who:
Core 3
OW! You stabbed me! What is WRONG with yo-WhoOOAAahhh. Hold on. Do you have a multimeter? Nevermind. The gun must be part magnesium... It feels like I'm outputting an extra half a volt. Keep an eye on me: I'm going to do some scheming. Here I g-[BZZZ!]
Listens:
3844
Who:
GLaDOS
One of these times you'll be so fat that you'll jump, and you'll just drop like a stone. Into acid, probably. Like a potato into a deep fat fryer.
Listens:
3841
Who:
GLaDOS
This next test applies the principles of momentum to movement through portals. If the laws of physics no longer apply in the future, God help you.
Listens:
3839
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh no! nonononono!
Listens:
3839
Who:
Wheatley
[clap clap]
Listens:
3837
Who:
GLaDOS
Yes sir, Mr. Johnson
Listens:
3836
Who:
Caroline
Good!
Listens:
3833
Who:
Announcer
YEEEHAAAAAW!
Listens:
3833
Who:
Core 1
Caroline deleted.
Listens:
3832
Who:
Announcer
00:00 / 00:00
Test Player
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