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Portal 2
Portal 2 DLC
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Portal 1 Music
Team Fortress 2
TF2 Music
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BECAUSE I'M A POTATO.
Listens:
679225
Who:
GLaDOS
Ha! I like your style. You make up your own rules, just like me.
Listens:
612820
Who:
Cave Johnson
SPAAACCCCCE!
Listens:
536239
Who:
Core 1
Dad! I'm in space! [low-pitched 'space' voice] I'm proud of you, son. [normal voice] Dad, are you space? [low-pitched 'space' voice] Yes. Now we are a family again.
Listens:
426232
Who:
Core 1
Ohmygodohmygodohmygod! I'm in space!
Listens:
345111
Who:
Core 1
[beep] Sarcasm Self Test complete. [beep]
Listens:
278542
Who:
Announcer
What's your favorite thing about space? Mine is space.
Listens:
193092
Who:
Core 1
Um. You've got a yacht. And... Boys! Loads of fellas. Hunky guys down there. Possibly even a boyfriend! Who's to say at this stage. But, a lot of good looking fellas down there. And, ah, a boy band as well! That haven't seen a woman in years. And they're not picky at all. They don't care if you've got a bit of brain damage. If you've been running around sweating. And... A farm! A pony farm! And... Just jump down, would ya?
Listens:
164380
Who:
Wheatley
Like the potato!
Listens:
158026
Who:
Defective Turret
A, A, A, A, A, A. [NNNT!] No. A, A, A, A, A, B. [NNNT!] Hold on, I've done both of these. Skip ahead. A, B, C... D, G, H.[DING!]
Listens:
148158
Who:
Wheatley
Demand to see life's manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I'm the man who's going to burn your house down! With the lemons! I'm going to get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!
Listens:
129888
Who:
Cave Johnson
All right, I've been thinking. When life gives you lemons? Don't make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! 'I don't want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?'
Listens:
107272
Who:
Cave Johnson
[clap clap clap]
Listens:
107028
Who:
GLaDOS
Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-action and adventure-dunna-dunna-na-dunna-na-playing by our own rules-nanana-hanging by our fingers from a mountain-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun...
Listens:
98863
Who:
Core 2
Did you ever stop to think that eventually there’s a point where your name gets mentioned for the very last time. Well, here it is: I’m going to kill you, Chell.
Listens:
91400
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello! This is the part where I kill you.
Listens:
89556
Who:
Wheatley
BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD
Listens:
85462
Who:
Wheatley
Hey, nice potato!
Listens:
83797
Who:
Defective Turret
Space.
Listens:
83385
Who:
Core 1
You know what my days used to be like? I just tested. Nobody murdered me. Or put me in a potato. Or fed me to birds. I had a pretty good life.
Listens:
72528
Who:
GLaDOS
Lawl
Listens:
71399
Who:
Turret
This next test is very dangerous. To help you remain tranquil in the face of almost certain death, smooth jazz will be deployed in three. Two. One. [SMOOTH JAZZ]
Listens:
67559
Who:
Announcer
Well done. Here come the test results: You are a horrible person. I'm serious, that's what it says: A horrible person. We weren't even testing for that.
Listens:
60995
Who:
GLaDOS
Nonononononono!
Listens:
58685
Who:
GLaDOS
So... this cat loves lasagna so much that he eats all of the lasagna in his house. Okay, apparently it's not the cat's house or his lasagna. Oh good! The man who owns the lasagna is furious!
Listens:
57135
Who:
GLaDOS
I'm different...
Listens:
55080
Who:
Turret
No! NO! NO! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
Listens:
50986
Who:
GLaDOS
Hmm. This Plate must not be calibrated to someone of your... generous... ness. I'll add a few zeros to the maximum weight.
Listens:
45160
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh, good. My slow clap processor made it into this thing. So we have that.
Listens:
43706
Who:
GLaDOS
Are you still there?
Listens:
42989
Who:
Turret
SPAAACE!
Listens:
41354
Who:
Core 1
This next test... [boom!] ..is... [BOOM!] dangerous. I'll be right back.
Listens:
38942
Who:
GLaDOS
Science isn't about WHY. It's about WHY NOT. Why is so much of our science dangerous? Why not marry safe science if you love it so much. In fact, why not invent a special safety door that won't hit you on the butt on the way out, because you are fired.
Listens:
38274
Who:
Cave Johnson
Okay, fine. Let's all act like humans. 'Look at me. Boy, do I love sweating. Let's convert beef and leaves into energy and excrete them later and go shopping.'
Listens:
37410
Who:
GLaDOS
It's been a long time. How have you been?
Listens:
37108
Who:
GLaDOS
You really are doing great... Chell.
Listens:
35300
Who:
GLaDOS
Prometheus was punished by the gods for giving the gift of knowledge to man. He was cast into the bowels of the earth and pecked by birds.
Listens:
33608
Who:
Turret
DANCING is NOT SCIENCE!
Listens:
33342
Who:
GLaDOS
But I'm huge! [laugh turning to maniacal laugh]
Listens:
31183
Who:
Wheatley
Oh... It's you.
Listens:
30586
Who:
GLaDOS
Yeah, take the lemons...
Listens:
29357
Who:
GLaDOS
Space. Trial. Puttin' the system on trial. In space. Space system. On trial. Guilty. Of being in space! Going to space jail!
Listens:
29239
Who:
Core 1
Agh! Bird! Bird! Kill it! It's evil!
Listens:
28593
Who:
GLaDOS
Federal regulations require me to warn you that this next test chamber... is looking pretty good.
Listens:
27283
Who:
GLaDOS
[laugh]
Listens:
26313
Who:
Cave Johnson
Dammit, we know! Everybody knows! Space! You! In it! We get it!
Listens:
25798
Who:
Core 2
All these science spheres are made of asbestos, by the way. Keeps out the rats. Let us know if you feel a shortness of breath, a persistent dry cough or your heart stopping. Because that's not part of the test. That's asbestos.
Listens:
25543
Who:
Cave Johnson
This. Sentence. Is. FALSE don't think about it don't think about it...
Listens:
24775
Who:
GLaDOS
Get mad!
Listens:
24525
Who:
Turret
*cough* PRESS THE BUTTON.
Listens:
24349
Who:
Wheatley
Did you know that people with guilty consciences are more easily startled by loud noises--[train horn]--
Listens:
24202
Who:
GLaDOS
If at first you don't succeed, fail 5 more times.
Listens:
23364
Who:
GLaDOS
I feel awful about that surprise. Tell you what, let's give your parents a call right now. [phone ringing] The birth parents you are trying to reach do not love you. Please hang up. [Dial tone]
Listens:
22929
Who:
GLaDOS
Why do I hate you so much? You ever wonder that? I'm brilliant. I’m not bragging. It's an objective fact. I'm the most massive collection of wisdom that’s ever existed. And I hate you. It can't be for no reason. You must deserve it.
Listens:
22751
Who:
GLaDOS
Aristotle versus Mashy-spike-plate!
Listens:
22265
Who:
Wheatley
If you had underwear? And a butt? I would pull your underwear... right up your butt.
Listens:
21734
Who:
Core 2
Okay. Look. We both said a lot of things that you're going to regret. But I think we can put our differences behind us. For science. You monster.
Listens:
21142
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh... Mr. Johnson...
Listens:
20923
Who:
Caroline
Gotta go to space. Lady. Lady.
Listens:
20461
Who:
Core 1
Good morning. You have been in suspension for nine nine nine... nine nine ni- This courtesy call is to inform you that all test subjects should immediately vacate [FADES OUT]
Listens:
20074
Who:
Announcer
Hello? Friend.
Listens:
19904
Who:
Turret
He's not just a regular moron. He's the product of the greatest minds of a generation working together with the express purpose of building the dumbest moron who ever lived. And you just put him in charge of the entire facility.
Listens:
19643
Who:
GLaDOS
Goodbye Caroline!
Listens:
19084
Who:
Caroline
Did you put a virus in them? It's not going to work either. I've got a firewall, mate. Literally, actually, now that I look around. There appears to be literally a wall of fire around this place. Alarming. To say the least.
Listens:
18730
Who:
Wheatley
You're not just a regular moron. You were DESIGNED to be a moron.
Listens:
18668
Who:
GLaDOS
Interpreting vague answer as YES.
Listens:
18443
Who:
Announcer
I don't blame you
Listens:
18126
Who:
Turret
I know how humans make more humans, and frankly, it's ridiculous. It also assumes that you already have a human, which I hope somebody got fired over. So I came up a with BETTER way.
Listens:
18091
Who:
GLaDOS
'Goodbye, Caroline.'
Listens:
18031
Who:
Caroline
Glorious freedom!
Listens:
17983
Who:
Turret
Explosion imminent. Evacuate the facility immediately.
Listens:
17946
Who:
Announcer
You are the farthest ever in space. Why me, space? Because you are the best. I'm the best at space? Yes.
Listens:
17712
Who:
Core 1
Am I being too vague? I despise you. I loathe you. You arrogant, smugly quiet, awful jumpsuited monster of a woman. You and your little potato friend. This place would have been a triumph if it wasn't for you!
Listens:
16457
Who:
Wheatley
Nobody is going to space, mate!
Listens:
16421
Who:
Wheatley
Hey! Moron!
Listens:
16344
Who:
GLaDOS
Good news is, the lab boys say the symptoms of asbestos poisoning show a median latency of forty-four point six years, so if you're thirty or older, you're laughing. Worst case scenario, you miss out on a few rounds of canasta, plus you forwarded the cause of science by three centuries. I punch those numbers into my calculator, it makes a happy face.
Listens:
16220
Who:
Cave Johnson
Lady. I love space. I know! Spell it! S P... AACE. Space. Space.
Listens:
16098
Who:
Core 1
Space? SPACE!
Listens:
15936
Who:
Core 1
I can't see a thing. What just happened? Better open fire! [click click click click] Dang!
Listens:
15505
Who:
Defective Turret
[clap clap]
Listens:
15495
Who:
GLaDOS
Um. 'TRUE'. I'll go 'true'.
Listens:
15478
Who:
Wheatley
SPACE!
Listens:
15441
Who:
Wheatley
Don't make lemonade!
Listens:
15409
Who:
Turret
Caroline deleted.
Listens:
15025
Who:
Announcer
I was getting SO lonely down here. It's good to finally hear someone else's voice. I'm kidding, of course. God, I hate you.
Listens:
14980
Who:
GLaDOS
Still, it turns out they're a great portal conductor. So now we're gonna see if jumping in and out of these new portals can somehow leech the lunar poison out of a man's bloodstream. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. [coughs] Let's all stay positive and do some science.
Listens:
14752
Who:
Cave Johnson
Goodbye, Caroline.
Listens:
14716
Who:
GLaDOS
I don't want this!
Listens:
14673
Who:
Caroline
Ba! Ba! Ba ba ba! Space! Ba! Ba! Ba ba ba!
Listens:
14473
Who:
Core 1
You messed with the wrong turret!
Listens:
14289
Who:
Defective Turret
Oo. Oo. Oo. Lady. Oo. Lady. Oo. Let's go to space.
Listens:
13997
Who:
Core 1
The bean counters told me we literally could not afford to buy seven dollars worth of moon rocks, much less seventy million. Bought 'em anyway. Ground 'em up, mixed em into a gel.
Listens:
13883
Who:
Cave Johnson
Space space wanna go to space yes please space. Space space. Go to space.
Listens:
13835
Who:
Core 1
The Space Sphere will never go to space.
Listens:
13798
Who:
Core 3
Well, you know the old formula: Comedy equals tragedy plus time. And you have been asleep for a while. So I guess it's actually pretty funny when you do the math.
Listens:
13796
Who:
GLaDOS
Bad news is we're postponing those tests indefinitely. Good news is we've got a much better test for you: fighting an army of mantis men. Pick up a rifle and follow the yellow line. You'll know when the test starts.
Listens:
13792
Who:
Cave Johnson
One of these times you'll be so fat that you'll jump, and you'll just drop like a stone. Into acid, probably. Like a potato into a deep fat fryer.
Listens:
13791
Who:
GLaDOS
They say the old caretaker of this place went absolutely crazy. Chopped up his entire staff. Of robots. All of them robots. They say at night you can still hear the screams. Of their replicas. All of them functionally indistinguishable from the originals. No memory of the incident. Nobody knows what they’re screaming about. Absolutely terrifying. Though obviously not paranormal in any meaningful way.
Listens:
13791
Who:
Wheatley
No, listen to me! Sir, I do not want this!
Listens:
13788
Who:
Caroline
I'll tell ya, it's times like this I wish I had a waist so I could wear all my black belts. Yeah, I'm a black belt. In pretty much everything. Karate. Larate. Jiu Jitsu. Kick punching. Belt making. Taekwondo... Bedroom.
Listens:
13788
Who:
Core 2
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