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Portal 2
Portal 2 DLC
Portal 2 PTI
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Portal 1 Music
Team Fortress 2
TF2 Music
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BECAUSE I'M A POTATO.
Listens:
656509
Who:
GLaDOS
Ha! I like your style. You make up your own rules, just like me.
Listens:
602900
Who:
Cave Johnson
SPAAACCCCCE!
Listens:
523272
Who:
Core 1
Dad! I'm in space! [low-pitched 'space' voice] I'm proud of you, son. [normal voice] Dad, are you space? [low-pitched 'space' voice] Yes. Now we are a family again.
Listens:
417821
Who:
Core 1
Ohmygodohmygodohmygod! I'm in space!
Listens:
337553
Who:
Core 1
[beep] Sarcasm Self Test complete. [beep]
Listens:
269277
Who:
Announcer
What's your favorite thing about space? Mine is space.
Listens:
187538
Who:
Core 1
Um. You've got a yacht. And... Boys! Loads of fellas. Hunky guys down there. Possibly even a boyfriend! Who's to say at this stage. But, a lot of good looking fellas down there. And, ah, a boy band as well! That haven't seen a woman in years. And they're not picky at all. They don't care if you've got a bit of brain damage. If you've been running around sweating. And... A farm! A pony farm! And... Just jump down, would ya?
Listens:
158224
Who:
Wheatley
Like the potato!
Listens:
150720
Who:
Defective Turret
A, A, A, A, A, A. [NNNT!] No. A, A, A, A, A, B. [NNNT!] Hold on, I've done both of these. Skip ahead. A, B, C... D, G, H.[DING!]
Listens:
141883
Who:
Wheatley
Demand to see life's manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I'm the man who's going to burn your house down! With the lemons! I'm going to get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!
Listens:
124839
Who:
Cave Johnson
All right, I've been thinking. When life gives you lemons? Don't make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! 'I don't want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?'
Listens:
103297
Who:
Cave Johnson
[clap clap clap]
Listens:
100205
Who:
GLaDOS
Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-action and adventure-dunna-dunna-na-dunna-na-playing by our own rules-nanana-hanging by our fingers from a mountain-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun...
Listens:
94897
Who:
Core 2
Did you ever stop to think that eventually there’s a point where your name gets mentioned for the very last time. Well, here it is: I’m going to kill you, Chell.
Listens:
87202
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello! This is the part where I kill you.
Listens:
85348
Who:
Wheatley
BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD
Listens:
80551
Who:
Wheatley
Hey, nice potato!
Listens:
79612
Who:
Defective Turret
Space.
Listens:
78381
Who:
Core 1
You know what my days used to be like? I just tested. Nobody murdered me. Or put me in a potato. Or fed me to birds. I had a pretty good life.
Listens:
68980
Who:
GLaDOS
Lawl
Listens:
66979
Who:
Turret
This next test is very dangerous. To help you remain tranquil in the face of almost certain death, smooth jazz will be deployed in three. Two. One. [SMOOTH JAZZ]
Listens:
64275
Who:
Announcer
Well done. Here come the test results: You are a horrible person. I'm serious, that's what it says: A horrible person. We weren't even testing for that.
Listens:
57073
Who:
GLaDOS
Nonononononono!
Listens:
55129
Who:
GLaDOS
So... this cat loves lasagna so much that he eats all of the lasagna in his house. Okay, apparently it's not the cat's house or his lasagna. Oh good! The man who owns the lasagna is furious!
Listens:
54348
Who:
GLaDOS
I'm different...
Listens:
51469
Who:
Turret
No! NO! NO! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
Listens:
46709
Who:
GLaDOS
Hmm. This Plate must not be calibrated to someone of your... generous... ness. I'll add a few zeros to the maximum weight.
Listens:
43060
Who:
GLaDOS
Are you still there?
Listens:
39228
Who:
Turret
SPAAACE!
Listens:
38614
Who:
Core 1
Oh, good. My slow clap processor made it into this thing. So we have that.
Listens:
38209
Who:
GLaDOS
This next test... [boom!] ..is... [BOOM!] dangerous. I'll be right back.
Listens:
35951
Who:
GLaDOS
Science isn't about WHY. It's about WHY NOT. Why is so much of our science dangerous? Why not marry safe science if you love it so much. In fact, why not invent a special safety door that won't hit you on the butt on the way out, because you are fired.
Listens:
35743
Who:
Cave Johnson
Okay, fine. Let's all act like humans. 'Look at me. Boy, do I love sweating. Let's convert beef and leaves into energy and excrete them later and go shopping.'
Listens:
35048
Who:
GLaDOS
It's been a long time. How have you been?
Listens:
34811
Who:
GLaDOS
You really are doing great... Chell.
Listens:
33565
Who:
GLaDOS
Prometheus was punished by the gods for giving the gift of knowledge to man. He was cast into the bowels of the earth and pecked by birds.
Listens:
31686
Who:
Turret
DANCING is NOT SCIENCE!
Listens:
30574
Who:
GLaDOS
But I'm huge! [laugh turning to maniacal laugh]
Listens:
29573
Who:
Wheatley
Space. Trial. Puttin' the system on trial. In space. Space system. On trial. Guilty. Of being in space! Going to space jail!
Listens:
27763
Who:
Core 1
Oh... It's you.
Listens:
27752
Who:
GLaDOS
Yeah, take the lemons...
Listens:
27451
Who:
GLaDOS
Agh! Bird! Bird! Kill it! It's evil!
Listens:
26556
Who:
GLaDOS
Federal regulations require me to warn you that this next test chamber... is looking pretty good.
Listens:
25712
Who:
GLaDOS
Dammit, we know! Everybody knows! Space! You! In it! We get it!
Listens:
24474
Who:
Core 2
[laugh]
Listens:
24311
Who:
Cave Johnson
All these science spheres are made of asbestos, by the way. Keeps out the rats. Let us know if you feel a shortness of breath, a persistent dry cough or your heart stopping. Because that's not part of the test. That's asbestos.
Listens:
24117
Who:
Cave Johnson
This. Sentence. Is. FALSE don't think about it don't think about it...
Listens:
23048
Who:
GLaDOS
Get mad!
Listens:
22483
Who:
Turret
Did you know that people with guilty consciences are more easily startled by loud noises--[train horn]--
Listens:
22393
Who:
GLaDOS
*cough* PRESS THE BUTTON.
Listens:
22119
Who:
Wheatley
If at first you don't succeed, fail 5 more times.
Listens:
21798
Who:
GLaDOS
I feel awful about that surprise. Tell you what, let's give your parents a call right now. [phone ringing] The birth parents you are trying to reach do not love you. Please hang up. [Dial tone]
Listens:
21532
Who:
GLaDOS
Why do I hate you so much? You ever wonder that? I'm brilliant. I’m not bragging. It's an objective fact. I'm the most massive collection of wisdom that’s ever existed. And I hate you. It can't be for no reason. You must deserve it.
Listens:
21267
Who:
GLaDOS
Aristotle versus Mashy-spike-plate!
Listens:
20885
Who:
Wheatley
If you had underwear? And a butt? I would pull your underwear... right up your butt.
Listens:
20601
Who:
Core 2
Okay. Look. We both said a lot of things that you're going to regret. But I think we can put our differences behind us. For science. You monster.
Listens:
19681
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh... Mr. Johnson...
Listens:
19552
Who:
Caroline
Gotta go to space. Lady. Lady.
Listens:
19213
Who:
Core 1
Good morning. You have been in suspension for nine nine nine... nine nine ni- This courtesy call is to inform you that all test subjects should immediately vacate [FADES OUT]
Listens:
18314
Who:
Announcer
He's not just a regular moron. He's the product of the greatest minds of a generation working together with the express purpose of building the dumbest moron who ever lived. And you just put him in charge of the entire facility.
Listens:
17992
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello? Friend.
Listens:
17699
Who:
Turret
Goodbye Caroline!
Listens:
17634
Who:
Caroline
Did you put a virus in them? It's not going to work either. I've got a firewall, mate. Literally, actually, now that I look around. There appears to be literally a wall of fire around this place. Alarming. To say the least.
Listens:
17581
Who:
Wheatley
You're not just a regular moron. You were DESIGNED to be a moron.
Listens:
17385
Who:
GLaDOS
Interpreting vague answer as YES.
Listens:
16951
Who:
Announcer
You are the farthest ever in space. Why me, space? Because you are the best. I'm the best at space? Yes.
Listens:
16802
Who:
Core 1
'Goodbye, Caroline.'
Listens:
16712
Who:
Caroline
I don't blame you
Listens:
16474
Who:
Turret
Glorious freedom!
Listens:
16441
Who:
Turret
I know how humans make more humans, and frankly, it's ridiculous. It also assumes that you already have a human, which I hope somebody got fired over. So I came up a with BETTER way.
Listens:
16311
Who:
GLaDOS
Explosion imminent. Evacuate the facility immediately.
Listens:
16023
Who:
Announcer
Am I being too vague? I despise you. I loathe you. You arrogant, smugly quiet, awful jumpsuited monster of a woman. You and your little potato friend. This place would have been a triumph if it wasn't for you!
Listens:
15422
Who:
Wheatley
Nobody is going to space, mate!
Listens:
15275
Who:
Wheatley
Good news is, the lab boys say the symptoms of asbestos poisoning show a median latency of forty-four point six years, so if you're thirty or older, you're laughing. Worst case scenario, you miss out on a few rounds of canasta, plus you forwarded the cause of science by three centuries. I punch those numbers into my calculator, it makes a happy face.
Listens:
15023
Who:
Cave Johnson
Lady. I love space. I know! Spell it! S P... AACE. Space. Space.
Listens:
14982
Who:
Core 1
Hey! Moron!
Listens:
14635
Who:
GLaDOS
Space? SPACE!
Listens:
14538
Who:
Core 1
Um. 'TRUE'. I'll go 'true'.
Listens:
14444
Who:
Wheatley
SPACE!
Listens:
14170
Who:
Wheatley
I can't see a thing. What just happened? Better open fire! [click click click click] Dang!
Listens:
14117
Who:
Defective Turret
[clap clap]
Listens:
14074
Who:
GLaDOS
Don't make lemonade!
Listens:
14022
Who:
Turret
I don't want this!
Listens:
13814
Who:
Caroline
Still, it turns out they're a great portal conductor. So now we're gonna see if jumping in and out of these new portals can somehow leech the lunar poison out of a man's bloodstream. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. [coughs] Let's all stay positive and do some science.
Listens:
13794
Who:
Cave Johnson
I was getting SO lonely down here. It's good to finally hear someone else's voice. I'm kidding, of course. God, I hate you.
Listens:
13721
Who:
GLaDOS
Caroline deleted.
Listens:
13703
Who:
Announcer
Goodbye, Caroline.
Listens:
13461
Who:
GLaDOS
Ba! Ba! Ba ba ba! Space! Ba! Ba! Ba ba ba!
Listens:
13315
Who:
Core 1
You messed with the wrong turret!
Listens:
13105
Who:
Defective Turret
The bean counters told me we literally could not afford to buy seven dollars worth of moon rocks, much less seventy million. Bought 'em anyway. Ground 'em up, mixed em into a gel.
Listens:
12998
Who:
Cave Johnson
Oo. Oo. Oo. Lady. Oo. Lady. Oo. Let's go to space.
Listens:
12988
Who:
Core 1
Space space wanna go to space yes please space. Space space. Go to space.
Listens:
12831
Who:
Core 1
Bad news is we're postponing those tests indefinitely. Good news is we've got a much better test for you: fighting an army of mantis men. Pick up a rifle and follow the yellow line. You'll know when the test starts.
Listens:
12779
Who:
Cave Johnson
One of these times you'll be so fat that you'll jump, and you'll just drop like a stone. Into acid, probably. Like a potato into a deep fat fryer.
Listens:
12764
Who:
GLaDOS
The Space Sphere will never go to space.
Listens:
12757
Who:
Core 3
No, listen to me! Sir, I do not want this!
Listens:
12752
Who:
Caroline
Well, you know the old formula: Comedy equals tragedy plus time. And you have been asleep for a while. So I guess it's actually pretty funny when you do the math.
Listens:
12750
Who:
GLaDOS
They say the old caretaker of this place went absolutely crazy. Chopped up his entire staff. Of robots. All of them robots. They say at night you can still hear the screams. Of their replicas. All of them functionally indistinguishable from the originals. No memory of the incident. Nobody knows what they’re screaming about. Absolutely terrifying. Though obviously not paranormal in any meaningful way.
Listens:
12749
Who:
Wheatley
I'll tell ya, it's times like this I wish I had a waist so I could wear all my black belts. Yeah, I'm a black belt. In pretty much everything. Karate. Larate. Jiu Jitsu. Kick punching. Belt making. Taekwondo... Bedroom.
Listens:
12747
Who:
Core 2
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