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Portal 2
Portal 2 DLC
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Portal 1 Music
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TF2 Music
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BECAUSE I'M A POTATO.
Listens:
706483
Who:
GLaDOS
Ha! I like your style. You make up your own rules, just like me.
Listens:
624527
Who:
Cave Johnson
SPAAACCCCCE!
Listens:
551980
Who:
Core 1
Dad! I'm in space! [low-pitched 'space' voice] I'm proud of you, son. [normal voice] Dad, are you space? [low-pitched 'space' voice] Yes. Now we are a family again.
Listens:
436631
Who:
Core 1
Ohmygodohmygodohmygod! I'm in space!
Listens:
354251
Who:
Core 1
[beep] Sarcasm Self Test complete. [beep]
Listens:
288929
Who:
Announcer
What's your favorite thing about space? Mine is space.
Listens:
199548
Who:
Core 1
Um. You've got a yacht. And... Boys! Loads of fellas. Hunky guys down there. Possibly even a boyfriend! Who's to say at this stage. But, a lot of good looking fellas down there. And, ah, a boy band as well! That haven't seen a woman in years. And they're not picky at all. They don't care if you've got a bit of brain damage. If you've been running around sweating. And... A farm! A pony farm! And... Just jump down, would ya?
Listens:
172029
Who:
Wheatley
Like the potato!
Listens:
166588
Who:
Defective Turret
A, A, A, A, A, A. [NNNT!] No. A, A, A, A, A, B. [NNNT!] Hold on, I've done both of these. Skip ahead. A, B, C... D, G, H.[DING!]
Listens:
155799
Who:
Wheatley
Demand to see life's manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I'm the man who's going to burn your house down! With the lemons! I'm going to get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!
Listens:
136801
Who:
Cave Johnson
[clap clap clap]
Listens:
116029
Who:
GLaDOS
All right, I've been thinking. When life gives you lemons? Don't make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! 'I don't want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?'
Listens:
112831
Who:
Cave Johnson
Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-action and adventure-dunna-dunna-na-dunna-na-playing by our own rules-nanana-hanging by our fingers from a mountain-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun...
Listens:
103407
Who:
Core 2
Did you ever stop to think that eventually there’s a point where your name gets mentioned for the very last time. Well, here it is: I’m going to kill you, Chell.
Listens:
96917
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello! This is the part where I kill you.
Listens:
95302
Who:
Wheatley
BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD
Listens:
91543
Who:
Wheatley
Space.
Listens:
89577
Who:
Core 1
Hey, nice potato!
Listens:
88847
Who:
Defective Turret
You know what my days used to be like? I just tested. Nobody murdered me. Or put me in a potato. Or fed me to birds. I had a pretty good life.
Listens:
77235
Who:
GLaDOS
Lawl
Listens:
77123
Who:
Turret
This next test is very dangerous. To help you remain tranquil in the face of almost certain death, smooth jazz will be deployed in three. Two. One. [SMOOTH JAZZ]
Listens:
71710
Who:
Announcer
Well done. Here come the test results: You are a horrible person. I'm serious, that's what it says: A horrible person. We weren't even testing for that.
Listens:
65768
Who:
GLaDOS
Nonononononono!
Listens:
63654
Who:
GLaDOS
So... this cat loves lasagna so much that he eats all of the lasagna in his house. Okay, apparently it's not the cat's house or his lasagna. Oh good! The man who owns the lasagna is furious!
Listens:
61086
Who:
GLaDOS
I'm different...
Listens:
59696
Who:
Turret
No! NO! NO! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
Listens:
59425
Who:
GLaDOS
Hmm. This Plate must not be calibrated to someone of your... generous... ness. I'll add a few zeros to the maximum weight.
Listens:
47961
Who:
GLaDOS
Are you still there?
Listens:
47350
Who:
Turret
Oh, good. My slow clap processor made it into this thing. So we have that.
Listens:
47109
Who:
GLaDOS
SPAAACE!
Listens:
44675
Who:
Core 1
This next test... [boom!] ..is... [BOOM!] dangerous. I'll be right back.
Listens:
42916
Who:
GLaDOS
Science isn't about WHY. It's about WHY NOT. Why is so much of our science dangerous? Why not marry safe science if you love it so much. In fact, why not invent a special safety door that won't hit you on the butt on the way out, because you are fired.
Listens:
41707
Who:
Cave Johnson
Okay, fine. Let's all act like humans. 'Look at me. Boy, do I love sweating. Let's convert beef and leaves into energy and excrete them later and go shopping.'
Listens:
40614
Who:
GLaDOS
It's been a long time. How have you been?
Listens:
40006
Who:
GLaDOS
DANCING is NOT SCIENCE!
Listens:
38187
Who:
GLaDOS
You really are doing great... Chell.
Listens:
37593
Who:
GLaDOS
Prometheus was punished by the gods for giving the gift of knowledge to man. He was cast into the bowels of the earth and pecked by birds.
Listens:
36376
Who:
Turret
Oh... It's you.
Listens:
34699
Who:
GLaDOS
But I'm huge! [laugh turning to maniacal laugh]
Listens:
33773
Who:
Wheatley
Yeah, take the lemons...
Listens:
32123
Who:
GLaDOS
Space. Trial. Puttin' the system on trial. In space. Space system. On trial. Guilty. Of being in space! Going to space jail!
Listens:
31427
Who:
Core 1
Agh! Bird! Bird! Kill it! It's evil!
Listens:
31340
Who:
GLaDOS
Federal regulations require me to warn you that this next test chamber... is looking pretty good.
Listens:
29512
Who:
GLaDOS
[laugh]
Listens:
29171
Who:
Cave Johnson
All these science spheres are made of asbestos, by the way. Keeps out the rats. Let us know if you feel a shortness of breath, a persistent dry cough or your heart stopping. Because that's not part of the test. That's asbestos.
Listens:
27807
Who:
Cave Johnson
Dammit, we know! Everybody knows! Space! You! In it! We get it!
Listens:
27651
Who:
Core 2
Get mad!
Listens:
27548
Who:
Turret
*cough* PRESS THE BUTTON.
Listens:
27314
Who:
Wheatley
Did you know that people with guilty consciences are more easily startled by loud noises--[train horn]--
Listens:
27309
Who:
GLaDOS
This. Sentence. Is. FALSE don't think about it don't think about it...
Listens:
27292
Who:
GLaDOS
If at first you don't succeed, fail 5 more times.
Listens:
25473
Who:
GLaDOS
Why do I hate you so much? You ever wonder that? I'm brilliant. I’m not bragging. It's an objective fact. I'm the most massive collection of wisdom that’s ever existed. And I hate you. It can't be for no reason. You must deserve it.
Listens:
25101
Who:
GLaDOS
I feel awful about that surprise. Tell you what, let's give your parents a call right now. [phone ringing] The birth parents you are trying to reach do not love you. Please hang up. [Dial tone]
Listens:
24859
Who:
GLaDOS
Aristotle versus Mashy-spike-plate!
Listens:
24229
Who:
Wheatley
Okay. Look. We both said a lot of things that you're going to regret. But I think we can put our differences behind us. For science. You monster.
Listens:
23290
Who:
GLaDOS
If you had underwear? And a butt? I would pull your underwear... right up your butt.
Listens:
23262
Who:
Core 2
Oh... Mr. Johnson...
Listens:
22768
Who:
Caroline
Hello? Friend.
Listens:
22748
Who:
Turret
Good morning. You have been in suspension for nine nine nine... nine nine ni- This courtesy call is to inform you that all test subjects should immediately vacate [FADES OUT]
Listens:
22415
Who:
Announcer
Gotta go to space. Lady. Lady.
Listens:
22319
Who:
Core 1
He's not just a regular moron. He's the product of the greatest minds of a generation working together with the express purpose of building the dumbest moron who ever lived. And you just put him in charge of the entire facility.
Listens:
21972
Who:
GLaDOS
Goodbye Caroline!
Listens:
21030
Who:
Caroline
You're not just a regular moron. You were DESIGNED to be a moron.
Listens:
20963
Who:
GLaDOS
Explosion imminent. Evacuate the facility immediately.
Listens:
20762
Who:
Announcer
Interpreting vague answer as YES.
Listens:
20427
Who:
Announcer
Did you put a virus in them? It's not going to work either. I've got a firewall, mate. Literally, actually, now that I look around. There appears to be literally a wall of fire around this place. Alarming. To say the least.
Listens:
20319
Who:
Wheatley
I don't blame you
Listens:
20215
Who:
Turret
I know how humans make more humans, and frankly, it's ridiculous. It also assumes that you already have a human, which I hope somebody got fired over. So I came up a with BETTER way.
Listens:
19995
Who:
GLaDOS
Glorious freedom!
Listens:
19870
Who:
Turret
'Goodbye, Caroline.'
Listens:
19693
Who:
Caroline
You are the farthest ever in space. Why me, space? Because you are the best. I'm the best at space? Yes.
Listens:
19090
Who:
Core 1
Hey! Moron!
Listens:
18826
Who:
GLaDOS
Space? SPACE!
Listens:
18655
Who:
Core 1
Nobody is going to space, mate!
Listens:
18060
Who:
Wheatley
Am I being too vague? I despise you. I loathe you. You arrogant, smugly quiet, awful jumpsuited monster of a woman. You and your little potato friend. This place would have been a triumph if it wasn't for you!
Listens:
18026
Who:
Wheatley
Good news is, the lab boys say the symptoms of asbestos poisoning show a median latency of forty-four point six years, so if you're thirty or older, you're laughing. Worst case scenario, you miss out on a few rounds of canasta, plus you forwarded the cause of science by three centuries. I punch those numbers into my calculator, it makes a happy face.
Listens:
17919
Who:
Cave Johnson
Lady. I love space. I know! Spell it! S P... AACE. Space. Space.
Listens:
17710
Who:
Core 1
[clap clap]
Listens:
17467
Who:
GLaDOS
SPACE!
Listens:
17293
Who:
Wheatley
I can't see a thing. What just happened? Better open fire! [click click click click] Dang!
Listens:
17224
Who:
Defective Turret
Don't make lemonade!
Listens:
17201
Who:
Turret
Um. 'TRUE'. I'll go 'true'.
Listens:
16883
Who:
Wheatley
Caroline deleted.
Listens:
16861
Who:
Announcer
I was getting SO lonely down here. It's good to finally hear someone else's voice. I'm kidding, of course. God, I hate you.
Listens:
16784
Who:
GLaDOS
Goodbye, Caroline.
Listens:
16337
Who:
GLaDOS
Still, it turns out they're a great portal conductor. So now we're gonna see if jumping in and out of these new portals can somehow leech the lunar poison out of a man's bloodstream. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. [coughs] Let's all stay positive and do some science.
Listens:
16107
Who:
Cave Johnson
Ba! Ba! Ba ba ba! Space! Ba! Ba! Ba ba ba!
Listens:
16086
Who:
Core 1
I don't want this!
Listens:
16054
Who:
Caroline
You messed with the wrong turret!
Listens:
15893
Who:
Defective Turret
Oo. Oo. Oo. Lady. Oo. Lady. Oo. Let's go to space.
Listens:
15446
Who:
Core 1
Well, you know the old formula: Comedy equals tragedy plus time. And you have been asleep for a while. So I guess it's actually pretty funny when you do the math.
Listens:
15384
Who:
GLaDOS
One of these times you'll be so fat that you'll jump, and you'll just drop like a stone. Into acid, probably. Like a potato into a deep fat fryer.
Listens:
15297
Who:
GLaDOS
No, listen to me! Sir, I do not want this!
Listens:
15294
Who:
Caroline
Space space wanna go to space yes please space. Space space. Go to space.
Listens:
15292
Who:
Core 1
They say the old caretaker of this place went absolutely crazy. Chopped up his entire staff. Of robots. All of them robots. They say at night you can still hear the screams. Of their replicas. All of them functionally indistinguishable from the originals. No memory of the incident. Nobody knows what they’re screaming about. Absolutely terrifying. Though obviously not paranormal in any meaningful way.
Listens:
15292
Who:
Wheatley
The Space Sphere will never go to space.
Listens:
15282
Who:
Core 3
The bean counters told me we literally could not afford to buy seven dollars worth of moon rocks, much less seventy million. Bought 'em anyway. Ground 'em up, mixed em into a gel.
Listens:
15279
Who:
Cave Johnson
I'll tell ya, it's times like this I wish I had a waist so I could wear all my black belts. Yeah, I'm a black belt. In pretty much everything. Karate. Larate. Jiu Jitsu. Kick punching. Belt making. Taekwondo... Bedroom.
Listens:
15277
Who:
Core 2
Bad news is we're postponing those tests indefinitely. Good news is we've got a much better test for you: fighting an army of mantis men. Pick up a rifle and follow the yellow line. You'll know when the test starts.
Listens:
15276
Who:
Cave Johnson
00:00 / 00:00
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