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Portal 2
Portal 2 DLC
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Portal 1 Music
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TF2 Music
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BECAUSE I'M A POTATO.
Listens:
691653
Who:
GLaDOS
Ha! I like your style. You make up your own rules, just like me.
Listens:
618309
Who:
Cave Johnson
SPAAACCCCCE!
Listens:
543564
Who:
Core 1
Dad! I'm in space! [low-pitched 'space' voice] I'm proud of you, son. [normal voice] Dad, are you space? [low-pitched 'space' voice] Yes. Now we are a family again.
Listens:
431289
Who:
Core 1
Ohmygodohmygodohmygod! I'm in space!
Listens:
349522
Who:
Core 1
[beep] Sarcasm Self Test complete. [beep]
Listens:
283541
Who:
Announcer
What's your favorite thing about space? Mine is space.
Listens:
196217
Who:
Core 1
Um. You've got a yacht. And... Boys! Loads of fellas. Hunky guys down there. Possibly even a boyfriend! Who's to say at this stage. But, a lot of good looking fellas down there. And, ah, a boy band as well! That haven't seen a woman in years. And they're not picky at all. They don't care if you've got a bit of brain damage. If you've been running around sweating. And... A farm! A pony farm! And... Just jump down, would ya?
Listens:
167978
Who:
Wheatley
Like the potato!
Listens:
161977
Who:
Defective Turret
A, A, A, A, A, A. [NNNT!] No. A, A, A, A, A, B. [NNNT!] Hold on, I've done both of these. Skip ahead. A, B, C... D, G, H.[DING!]
Listens:
151748
Who:
Wheatley
Demand to see life's manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I'm the man who's going to burn your house down! With the lemons! I'm going to get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!
Listens:
133116
Who:
Cave Johnson
[clap clap clap]
Listens:
110830
Who:
GLaDOS
All right, I've been thinking. When life gives you lemons? Don't make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! 'I don't want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?'
Listens:
109726
Who:
Cave Johnson
Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-action and adventure-dunna-dunna-na-dunna-na-playing by our own rules-nanana-hanging by our fingers from a mountain-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun...
Listens:
100941
Who:
Core 2
Did you ever stop to think that eventually there’s a point where your name gets mentioned for the very last time. Well, here it is: I’m going to kill you, Chell.
Listens:
93901
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello! This is the part where I kill you.
Listens:
92324
Who:
Wheatley
BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD
Listens:
88252
Who:
Wheatley
Hey, nice potato!
Listens:
86123
Who:
Defective Turret
Space.
Listens:
86078
Who:
Core 1
You know what my days used to be like? I just tested. Nobody murdered me. Or put me in a potato. Or fed me to birds. I had a pretty good life.
Listens:
74626
Who:
GLaDOS
Lawl
Listens:
73916
Who:
Turret
This next test is very dangerous. To help you remain tranquil in the face of almost certain death, smooth jazz will be deployed in three. Two. One. [SMOOTH JAZZ]
Listens:
69469
Who:
Announcer
Well done. Here come the test results: You are a horrible person. I'm serious, that's what it says: A horrible person. We weren't even testing for that.
Listens:
63104
Who:
GLaDOS
Nonononononono!
Listens:
60679
Who:
GLaDOS
So... this cat loves lasagna so much that he eats all of the lasagna in his house. Okay, apparently it's not the cat's house or his lasagna. Oh good! The man who owns the lasagna is furious!
Listens:
58863
Who:
GLaDOS
I'm different...
Listens:
57116
Who:
Turret
No! NO! NO! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
Listens:
56172
Who:
GLaDOS
Hmm. This Plate must not be calibrated to someone of your... generous... ness. I'll add a few zeros to the maximum weight.
Listens:
46328
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh, good. My slow clap processor made it into this thing. So we have that.
Listens:
45090
Who:
GLaDOS
Are you still there?
Listens:
44876
Who:
Turret
SPAAACE!
Listens:
42855
Who:
Core 1
This next test... [boom!] ..is... [BOOM!] dangerous. I'll be right back.
Listens:
40721
Who:
GLaDOS
Science isn't about WHY. It's about WHY NOT. Why is so much of our science dangerous? Why not marry safe science if you love it so much. In fact, why not invent a special safety door that won't hit you on the butt on the way out, because you are fired.
Listens:
39950
Who:
Cave Johnson
Okay, fine. Let's all act like humans. 'Look at me. Boy, do I love sweating. Let's convert beef and leaves into energy and excrete them later and go shopping.'
Listens:
38788
Who:
GLaDOS
It's been a long time. How have you been?
Listens:
38337
Who:
GLaDOS
You really are doing great... Chell.
Listens:
36324
Who:
GLaDOS
DANCING is NOT SCIENCE!
Listens:
35973
Who:
GLaDOS
Prometheus was punished by the gods for giving the gift of knowledge to man. He was cast into the bowels of the earth and pecked by birds.
Listens:
34824
Who:
Turret
But I'm huge! [laugh turning to maniacal laugh]
Listens:
32569
Who:
Wheatley
Oh... It's you.
Listens:
32233
Who:
GLaDOS
Yeah, take the lemons...
Listens:
30614
Who:
GLaDOS
Space. Trial. Puttin' the system on trial. In space. Space system. On trial. Guilty. Of being in space! Going to space jail!
Listens:
30347
Who:
Core 1
Agh! Bird! Bird! Kill it! It's evil!
Listens:
29799
Who:
GLaDOS
Federal regulations require me to warn you that this next test chamber... is looking pretty good.
Listens:
28212
Who:
GLaDOS
[laugh]
Listens:
27523
Who:
Cave Johnson
Dammit, we know! Everybody knows! Space! You! In it! We get it!
Listens:
26614
Who:
Core 2
All these science spheres are made of asbestos, by the way. Keeps out the rats. Let us know if you feel a shortness of breath, a persistent dry cough or your heart stopping. Because that's not part of the test. That's asbestos.
Listens:
26573
Who:
Cave Johnson
This. Sentence. Is. FALSE don't think about it don't think about it...
Listens:
25969
Who:
GLaDOS
Get mad!
Listens:
25872
Who:
Turret
*cough* PRESS THE BUTTON.
Listens:
25699
Who:
Wheatley
Did you know that people with guilty consciences are more easily startled by loud noises--[train horn]--
Listens:
25308
Who:
GLaDOS
If at first you don't succeed, fail 5 more times.
Listens:
24276
Who:
GLaDOS
I feel awful about that surprise. Tell you what, let's give your parents a call right now. [phone ringing] The birth parents you are trying to reach do not love you. Please hang up. [Dial tone]
Listens:
23762
Who:
GLaDOS
Why do I hate you so much? You ever wonder that? I'm brilliant. I’m not bragging. It's an objective fact. I'm the most massive collection of wisdom that’s ever existed. And I hate you. It can't be for no reason. You must deserve it.
Listens:
23715
Who:
GLaDOS
Aristotle versus Mashy-spike-plate!
Listens:
23142
Who:
Wheatley
If you had underwear? And a butt? I would pull your underwear... right up your butt.
Listens:
22448
Who:
Core 2
Okay. Look. We both said a lot of things that you're going to regret. But I think we can put our differences behind us. For science. You monster.
Listens:
21976
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh... Mr. Johnson...
Listens:
21759
Who:
Caroline
Gotta go to space. Lady. Lady.
Listens:
21339
Who:
Core 1
Hello? Friend.
Listens:
21144
Who:
Turret
Good morning. You have been in suspension for nine nine nine... nine nine ni- This courtesy call is to inform you that all test subjects should immediately vacate [FADES OUT]
Listens:
21075
Who:
Announcer
He's not just a regular moron. He's the product of the greatest minds of a generation working together with the express purpose of building the dumbest moron who ever lived. And you just put him in charge of the entire facility.
Listens:
20460
Who:
GLaDOS
Goodbye Caroline!
Listens:
19936
Who:
Caroline
You're not just a regular moron. You were DESIGNED to be a moron.
Listens:
19550
Who:
GLaDOS
Did you put a virus in them? It's not going to work either. I've got a firewall, mate. Literally, actually, now that I look around. There appears to be literally a wall of fire around this place. Alarming. To say the least.
Listens:
19418
Who:
Wheatley
Interpreting vague answer as YES.
Listens:
19284
Who:
Announcer
I don't blame you
Listens:
19058
Who:
Turret
Explosion imminent. Evacuate the facility immediately.
Listens:
18991
Who:
Announcer
I know how humans make more humans, and frankly, it's ridiculous. It also assumes that you already have a human, which I hope somebody got fired over. So I came up a with BETTER way.
Listens:
18951
Who:
GLaDOS
Glorious freedom!
Listens:
18808
Who:
Turret
'Goodbye, Caroline.'
Listens:
18743
Who:
Caroline
You are the farthest ever in space. Why me, space? Because you are the best. I'm the best at space? Yes.
Listens:
18366
Who:
Core 1
Space? SPACE!
Listens:
17391
Who:
Core 1
Hey! Moron!
Listens:
17386
Who:
GLaDOS
Nobody is going to space, mate!
Listens:
17170
Who:
Wheatley
Am I being too vague? I despise you. I loathe you. You arrogant, smugly quiet, awful jumpsuited monster of a woman. You and your little potato friend. This place would have been a triumph if it wasn't for you!
Listens:
17107
Who:
Wheatley
Good news is, the lab boys say the symptoms of asbestos poisoning show a median latency of forty-four point six years, so if you're thirty or older, you're laughing. Worst case scenario, you miss out on a few rounds of canasta, plus you forwarded the cause of science by three centuries. I punch those numbers into my calculator, it makes a happy face.
Listens:
17015
Who:
Cave Johnson
Lady. I love space. I know! Spell it! S P... AACE. Space. Space.
Listens:
16835
Who:
Core 1
I can't see a thing. What just happened? Better open fire! [click click click click] Dang!
Listens:
16289
Who:
Defective Turret
SPACE!
Listens:
16282
Who:
Wheatley
[clap clap]
Listens:
16235
Who:
GLaDOS
Don't make lemonade!
Listens:
16201
Who:
Turret
Um. 'TRUE'. I'll go 'true'.
Listens:
16092
Who:
Wheatley
Caroline deleted.
Listens:
15836
Who:
Announcer
I was getting SO lonely down here. It's good to finally hear someone else's voice. I'm kidding, of course. God, I hate you.
Listens:
15742
Who:
GLaDOS
Goodbye, Caroline.
Listens:
15402
Who:
GLaDOS
Still, it turns out they're a great portal conductor. So now we're gonna see if jumping in and out of these new portals can somehow leech the lunar poison out of a man's bloodstream. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. [coughs] Let's all stay positive and do some science.
Listens:
15388
Who:
Cave Johnson
I don't want this!
Listens:
15269
Who:
Caroline
Ba! Ba! Ba ba ba! Space! Ba! Ba! Ba ba ba!
Listens:
15208
Who:
Core 1
You messed with the wrong turret!
Listens:
14963
Who:
Defective Turret
Oo. Oo. Oo. Lady. Oo. Lady. Oo. Let's go to space.
Listens:
14648
Who:
Core 1
They say the old caretaker of this place went absolutely crazy. Chopped up his entire staff. Of robots. All of them robots. They say at night you can still hear the screams. Of their replicas. All of them functionally indistinguishable from the originals. No memory of the incident. Nobody knows what they’re screaming about. Absolutely terrifying. Though obviously not paranormal in any meaningful way.
Listens:
14512
Who:
Wheatley
The bean counters told me we literally could not afford to buy seven dollars worth of moon rocks, much less seventy million. Bought 'em anyway. Ground 'em up, mixed em into a gel.
Listens:
14506
Who:
Cave Johnson
The Space Sphere will never go to space.
Listens:
14478
Who:
Core 3
Bad news is we're postponing those tests indefinitely. Good news is we've got a much better test for you: fighting an army of mantis men. Pick up a rifle and follow the yellow line. You'll know when the test starts.
Listens:
14475
Who:
Cave Johnson
No, listen to me! Sir, I do not want this!
Listens:
14467
Who:
Caroline
Space space wanna go to space yes please space. Space space. Go to space.
Listens:
14463
Who:
Core 1
I'll tell ya, it's times like this I wish I had a waist so I could wear all my black belts. Yeah, I'm a black belt. In pretty much everything. Karate. Larate. Jiu Jitsu. Kick punching. Belt making. Taekwondo... Bedroom.
Listens:
14461
Who:
Core 2
Well, you know the old formula: Comedy equals tragedy plus time. And you have been asleep for a while. So I guess it's actually pretty funny when you do the math.
Listens:
14461
Who:
GLaDOS
One of these times you'll be so fat that you'll jump, and you'll just drop like a stone. Into acid, probably. Like a potato into a deep fat fryer.
Listens:
14461
Who:
GLaDOS
00:00 / 00:00
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