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Portal 2
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Portal 1 Music
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TF2 Music
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BECAUSE I'M A POTATO.
Listens:
627759
Who:
GLaDOS
Ha! I like your style. You make up your own rules, just like me.
Listens:
588825
Who:
Cave Johnson
SPAAACCCCCE!
Listens:
506556
Who:
Core 1
Dad! I'm in space! [low-pitched 'space' voice] I'm proud of you, son. [normal voice] Dad, are you space? [low-pitched 'space' voice] Yes. Now we are a family again.
Listens:
406732
Who:
Core 1
Ohmygodohmygodohmygod! I'm in space!
Listens:
327716
Who:
Core 1
[beep] Sarcasm Self Test complete. [beep]
Listens:
258225
Who:
Announcer
What's your favorite thing about space? Mine is space.
Listens:
180446
Who:
Core 1
Um. You've got a yacht. And... Boys! Loads of fellas. Hunky guys down there. Possibly even a boyfriend! Who's to say at this stage. But, a lot of good looking fellas down there. And, ah, a boy band as well! That haven't seen a woman in years. And they're not picky at all. They don't care if you've got a bit of brain damage. If you've been running around sweating. And... A farm! A pony farm! And... Just jump down, would ya?
Listens:
150420
Who:
Wheatley
Like the potato!
Listens:
141210
Who:
Defective Turret
A, A, A, A, A, A. [NNNT!] No. A, A, A, A, A, B. [NNNT!] Hold on, I've done both of these. Skip ahead. A, B, C... D, G, H.[DING!]
Listens:
134132
Who:
Wheatley
Demand to see life's manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I'm the man who's going to burn your house down! With the lemons! I'm going to get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!
Listens:
118462
Who:
Cave Johnson
All right, I've been thinking. When life gives you lemons? Don't make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! 'I don't want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?'
Listens:
98307
Who:
Cave Johnson
[clap clap clap]
Listens:
92442
Who:
GLaDOS
Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-action and adventure-dunna-dunna-na-dunna-na-playing by our own rules-nanana-hanging by our fingers from a mountain-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun...
Listens:
89611
Who:
Core 2
Did you ever stop to think that eventually there’s a point where your name gets mentioned for the very last time. Well, here it is: I’m going to kill you, Chell.
Listens:
82390
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello! This is the part where I kill you.
Listens:
80313
Who:
Wheatley
BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD
Listens:
74645
Who:
Wheatley
Hey, nice potato!
Listens:
74394
Who:
Defective Turret
Space.
Listens:
71963
Who:
Core 1
You know what my days used to be like? I just tested. Nobody murdered me. Or put me in a potato. Or fed me to birds. I had a pretty good life.
Listens:
64849
Who:
GLaDOS
Lawl
Listens:
61551
Who:
Turret
This next test is very dangerous. To help you remain tranquil in the face of almost certain death, smooth jazz will be deployed in three. Two. One. [SMOOTH JAZZ]
Listens:
60376
Who:
Announcer
Well done. Here come the test results: You are a horrible person. I'm serious, that's what it says: A horrible person. We weren't even testing for that.
Listens:
51819
Who:
GLaDOS
So... this cat loves lasagna so much that he eats all of the lasagna in his house. Okay, apparently it's not the cat's house or his lasagna. Oh good! The man who owns the lasagna is furious!
Listens:
51100
Who:
GLaDOS
Nonononononono!
Listens:
50986
Who:
GLaDOS
I'm different...
Listens:
47142
Who:
Turret
No! NO! NO! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
Listens:
42375
Who:
GLaDOS
Hmm. This Plate must not be calibrated to someone of your... generous... ness. I'll add a few zeros to the maximum weight.
Listens:
40675
Who:
GLaDOS
SPAAACE!
Listens:
35395
Who:
Core 1
Oh, good. My slow clap processor made it into this thing. So we have that.
Listens:
35292
Who:
GLaDOS
Are you still there?
Listens:
34841
Who:
Turret
This next test... [boom!] ..is... [BOOM!] dangerous. I'll be right back.
Listens:
33000
Who:
GLaDOS
Science isn't about WHY. It's about WHY NOT. Why is so much of our science dangerous? Why not marry safe science if you love it so much. In fact, why not invent a special safety door that won't hit you on the butt on the way out, because you are fired.
Listens:
32881
Who:
Cave Johnson
Okay, fine. Let's all act like humans. 'Look at me. Boy, do I love sweating. Let's convert beef and leaves into energy and excrete them later and go shopping.'
Listens:
32442
Who:
GLaDOS
It's been a long time. How have you been?
Listens:
32216
Who:
GLaDOS
You really are doing great... Chell.
Listens:
31508
Who:
GLaDOS
Prometheus was punished by the gods for giving the gift of knowledge to man. He was cast into the bowels of the earth and pecked by birds.
Listens:
29325
Who:
Turret
But I'm huge! [laugh turning to maniacal laugh]
Listens:
27833
Who:
Wheatley
DANCING is NOT SCIENCE!
Listens:
27361
Who:
GLaDOS
Space. Trial. Puttin' the system on trial. In space. Space system. On trial. Guilty. Of being in space! Going to space jail!
Listens:
25825
Who:
Core 1
Yeah, take the lemons...
Listens:
24957
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh... It's you.
Listens:
24358
Who:
GLaDOS
Agh! Bird! Bird! Kill it! It's evil!
Listens:
24167
Who:
GLaDOS
Federal regulations require me to warn you that this next test chamber... is looking pretty good.
Listens:
24087
Who:
GLaDOS
Dammit, we know! Everybody knows! Space! You! In it! We get it!
Listens:
22867
Who:
Core 2
All these science spheres are made of asbestos, by the way. Keeps out the rats. Let us know if you feel a shortness of breath, a persistent dry cough or your heart stopping. Because that's not part of the test. That's asbestos.
Listens:
22332
Who:
Cave Johnson
[laugh]
Listens:
21779
Who:
Cave Johnson
This. Sentence. Is. FALSE don't think about it don't think about it...
Listens:
21099
Who:
GLaDOS
Did you know that people with guilty consciences are more easily startled by loud noises--[train horn]--
Listens:
20399
Who:
GLaDOS
If at first you don't succeed, fail 5 more times.
Listens:
19926
Who:
GLaDOS
Get mad!
Listens:
19861
Who:
Turret
I feel awful about that surprise. Tell you what, let's give your parents a call right now. [phone ringing] The birth parents you are trying to reach do not love you. Please hang up. [Dial tone]
Listens:
19784
Who:
GLaDOS
*cough* PRESS THE BUTTON.
Listens:
19446
Who:
Wheatley
Why do I hate you so much? You ever wonder that? I'm brilliant. I’m not bragging. It's an objective fact. I'm the most massive collection of wisdom that’s ever existed. And I hate you. It can't be for no reason. You must deserve it.
Listens:
19348
Who:
GLaDOS
Aristotle versus Mashy-spike-plate!
Listens:
19342
Who:
Wheatley
If you had underwear? And a butt? I would pull your underwear... right up your butt.
Listens:
19151
Who:
Core 2
Oh... Mr. Johnson...
Listens:
17948
Who:
Caroline
Okay. Look. We both said a lot of things that you're going to regret. But I think we can put our differences behind us. For science. You monster.
Listens:
17724
Who:
GLaDOS
Gotta go to space. Lady. Lady.
Listens:
17620
Who:
Core 1
Good morning. You have been in suspension for nine nine nine... nine nine ni- This courtesy call is to inform you that all test subjects should immediately vacate [FADES OUT]
Listens:
16551
Who:
Announcer
Did you put a virus in them? It's not going to work either. I've got a firewall, mate. Literally, actually, now that I look around. There appears to be literally a wall of fire around this place. Alarming. To say the least.
Listens:
16253
Who:
Wheatley
Goodbye Caroline!
Listens:
15968
Who:
Caroline
You're not just a regular moron. You were DESIGNED to be a moron.
Listens:
15677
Who:
GLaDOS
You are the farthest ever in space. Why me, space? Because you are the best. I'm the best at space? Yes.
Listens:
15647
Who:
Core 1
Interpreting vague answer as YES.
Listens:
15208
Who:
Announcer
Hello? Friend.
Listens:
15101
Who:
Turret
'Goodbye, Caroline.'
Listens:
15079
Who:
Caroline
He's not just a regular moron. He's the product of the greatest minds of a generation working together with the express purpose of building the dumbest moron who ever lived. And you just put him in charge of the entire facility.
Listens:
14746
Who:
GLaDOS
Glorious freedom!
Listens:
14595
Who:
Turret
I don't blame you
Listens:
14575
Who:
Turret
I know how humans make more humans, and frankly, it's ridiculous. It also assumes that you already have a human, which I hope somebody got fired over. So I came up a with BETTER way.
Listens:
14551
Who:
GLaDOS
Explosion imminent. Evacuate the facility immediately.
Listens:
14265
Who:
Announcer
Am I being too vague? I despise you. I loathe you. You arrogant, smugly quiet, awful jumpsuited monster of a woman. You and your little potato friend. This place would have been a triumph if it wasn't for you!
Listens:
14119
Who:
Wheatley
Nobody is going to space, mate!
Listens:
13874
Who:
Wheatley
Good news is, the lab boys say the symptoms of asbestos poisoning show a median latency of forty-four point six years, so if you're thirty or older, you're laughing. Worst case scenario, you miss out on a few rounds of canasta, plus you forwarded the cause of science by three centuries. I punch those numbers into my calculator, it makes a happy face.
Listens:
13642
Who:
Cave Johnson
Lady. I love space. I know! Spell it! S P... AACE. Space. Space.
Listens:
13547
Who:
Core 1
Um. 'TRUE'. I'll go 'true'.
Listens:
13131
Who:
Wheatley
I don't want this!
Listens:
12840
Who:
Caroline
Space? SPACE!
Listens:
12770
Who:
Core 1
Hey! Moron!
Listens:
12749
Who:
GLaDOS
Still, it turns out they're a great portal conductor. So now we're gonna see if jumping in and out of these new portals can somehow leech the lunar poison out of a man's bloodstream. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. [coughs] Let's all stay positive and do some science.
Listens:
12642
Who:
Cave Johnson
I can't see a thing. What just happened? Better open fire! [click click click click] Dang!
Listens:
12616
Who:
Defective Turret
SPACE!
Listens:
12520
Who:
Wheatley
[clap clap]
Listens:
12455
Who:
GLaDOS
I was getting SO lonely down here. It's good to finally hear someone else's voice. I'm kidding, of course. God, I hate you.
Listens:
12351
Who:
GLaDOS
Don't make lemonade!
Listens:
12341
Who:
Turret
Caroline deleted.
Listens:
12074
Who:
Announcer
Goodbye, Caroline.
Listens:
12027
Who:
GLaDOS
The bean counters told me we literally could not afford to buy seven dollars worth of moon rocks, much less seventy million. Bought 'em anyway. Ground 'em up, mixed em into a gel.
Listens:
11972
Who:
Cave Johnson
Ba! Ba! Ba ba ba! Space! Ba! Ba! Ba ba ba!
Listens:
11842
Who:
Core 1
You messed with the wrong turret!
Listens:
11691
Who:
Defective Turret
Oo. Oo. Oo. Lady. Oo. Lady. Oo. Let's go to space.
Listens:
11638
Who:
Core 1
No, listen to me! Sir, I do not want this!
Listens:
11512
Who:
Caroline
They say the old caretaker of this place went absolutely crazy. Chopped up his entire staff. Of robots. All of them robots. They say at night you can still hear the screams. Of their replicas. All of them functionally indistinguishable from the originals. No memory of the incident. Nobody knows what they’re screaming about. Absolutely terrifying. Though obviously not paranormal in any meaningful way.
Listens:
11509
Who:
Wheatley
Bad news is we're postponing those tests indefinitely. Good news is we've got a much better test for you: fighting an army of mantis men. Pick up a rifle and follow the yellow line. You'll know when the test starts.
Listens:
11505
Who:
Cave Johnson
Well, you know the old formula: Comedy equals tragedy plus time. And you have been asleep for a while. So I guess it's actually pretty funny when you do the math.
Listens:
11504
Who:
GLaDOS
Space space wanna go to space yes please space. Space space. Go to space.
Listens:
11503
Who:
Core 1
One of these times you'll be so fat that you'll jump, and you'll just drop like a stone. Into acid, probably. Like a potato into a deep fat fryer.
Listens:
11503
Who:
GLaDOS
The Space Sphere will never go to space.
Listens:
11502
Who:
Core 3
I'll tell ya, it's times like this I wish I had a waist so I could wear all my black belts. Yeah, I'm a black belt. In pretty much everything. Karate. Larate. Jiu Jitsu. Kick punching. Belt making. Taekwondo... Bedroom.
Listens:
11502
Who:
Core 2
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