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Portal 2
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Portal 1 Music
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TF2 Music
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BECAUSE I'M A POTATO.
Listens:
701693
Who:
GLaDOS
Ha! I like your style. You make up your own rules, just like me.
Listens:
622598
Who:
Cave Johnson
SPAAACCCCCE!
Listens:
549322
Who:
Core 1
Dad! I'm in space! [low-pitched 'space' voice] I'm proud of you, son. [normal voice] Dad, are you space? [low-pitched 'space' voice] Yes. Now we are a family again.
Listens:
434952
Who:
Core 1
Ohmygodohmygodohmygod! I'm in space!
Listens:
352720
Who:
Core 1
[beep] Sarcasm Self Test complete. [beep]
Listens:
287256
Who:
Announcer
What's your favorite thing about space? Mine is space.
Listens:
198488
Who:
Core 1
Um. You've got a yacht. And... Boys! Loads of fellas. Hunky guys down there. Possibly even a boyfriend! Who's to say at this stage. But, a lot of good looking fellas down there. And, ah, a boy band as well! That haven't seen a woman in years. And they're not picky at all. They don't care if you've got a bit of brain damage. If you've been running around sweating. And... A farm! A pony farm! And... Just jump down, would ya?
Listens:
170745
Who:
Wheatley
Like the potato!
Listens:
165129
Who:
Defective Turret
A, A, A, A, A, A. [NNNT!] No. A, A, A, A, A, B. [NNNT!] Hold on, I've done both of these. Skip ahead. A, B, C... D, G, H.[DING!]
Listens:
154491
Who:
Wheatley
Demand to see life's manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I'm the man who's going to burn your house down! With the lemons! I'm going to get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!
Listens:
135621
Who:
Cave Johnson
[clap clap clap]
Listens:
114272
Who:
GLaDOS
All right, I've been thinking. When life gives you lemons? Don't make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! 'I don't want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?'
Listens:
111752
Who:
Cave Johnson
Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-action and adventure-dunna-dunna-na-dunna-na-playing by our own rules-nanana-hanging by our fingers from a mountain-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun...
Listens:
102618
Who:
Core 2
Did you ever stop to think that eventually there’s a point where your name gets mentioned for the very last time. Well, here it is: I’m going to kill you, Chell.
Listens:
95904
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello! This is the part where I kill you.
Listens:
94348
Who:
Wheatley
BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD
Listens:
90494
Who:
Wheatley
Space.
Listens:
88357
Who:
Core 1
Hey, nice potato!
Listens:
87992
Who:
Defective Turret
You know what my days used to be like? I just tested. Nobody murdered me. Or put me in a potato. Or fed me to birds. I had a pretty good life.
Listens:
76401
Who:
GLaDOS
Lawl
Listens:
76136
Who:
Turret
This next test is very dangerous. To help you remain tranquil in the face of almost certain death, smooth jazz will be deployed in three. Two. One. [SMOOTH JAZZ]
Listens:
71007
Who:
Announcer
Well done. Here come the test results: You are a horrible person. I'm serious, that's what it says: A horrible person. We weren't even testing for that.
Listens:
64918
Who:
GLaDOS
Nonononononono!
Listens:
62725
Who:
GLaDOS
So... this cat loves lasagna so much that he eats all of the lasagna in his house. Okay, apparently it's not the cat's house or his lasagna. Oh good! The man who owns the lasagna is furious!
Listens:
60346
Who:
GLaDOS
I'm different...
Listens:
58810
Who:
Turret
No! NO! NO! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
Listens:
58397
Who:
GLaDOS
Hmm. This Plate must not be calibrated to someone of your... generous... ness. I'll add a few zeros to the maximum weight.
Listens:
47426
Who:
GLaDOS
Are you still there?
Listens:
46567
Who:
Turret
Oh, good. My slow clap processor made it into this thing. So we have that.
Listens:
46460
Who:
GLaDOS
SPAAACE!
Listens:
44056
Who:
Core 1
This next test... [boom!] ..is... [BOOM!] dangerous. I'll be right back.
Listens:
42190
Who:
GLaDOS
Science isn't about WHY. It's about WHY NOT. Why is so much of our science dangerous? Why not marry safe science if you love it so much. In fact, why not invent a special safety door that won't hit you on the butt on the way out, because you are fired.
Listens:
41188
Who:
Cave Johnson
Okay, fine. Let's all act like humans. 'Look at me. Boy, do I love sweating. Let's convert beef and leaves into energy and excrete them later and go shopping.'
Listens:
40033
Who:
GLaDOS
It's been a long time. How have you been?
Listens:
39433
Who:
GLaDOS
DANCING is NOT SCIENCE!
Listens:
37462
Who:
GLaDOS
You really are doing great... Chell.
Listens:
37163
Who:
GLaDOS
Prometheus was punished by the gods for giving the gift of knowledge to man. He was cast into the bowels of the earth and pecked by birds.
Listens:
35917
Who:
Turret
Oh... It's you.
Listens:
33885
Who:
GLaDOS
But I'm huge! [laugh turning to maniacal laugh]
Listens:
33409
Who:
Wheatley
Yeah, take the lemons...
Listens:
31686
Who:
GLaDOS
Space. Trial. Puttin' the system on trial. In space. Space system. On trial. Guilty. Of being in space! Going to space jail!
Listens:
31090
Who:
Core 1
Agh! Bird! Bird! Kill it! It's evil!
Listens:
30839
Who:
GLaDOS
Federal regulations require me to warn you that this next test chamber... is looking pretty good.
Listens:
29063
Who:
GLaDOS
[laugh]
Listens:
28635
Who:
Cave Johnson
All these science spheres are made of asbestos, by the way. Keeps out the rats. Let us know if you feel a shortness of breath, a persistent dry cough or your heart stopping. Because that's not part of the test. That's asbestos.
Listens:
27426
Who:
Cave Johnson
Dammit, we know! Everybody knows! Space! You! In it! We get it!
Listens:
27363
Who:
Core 2
Get mad!
Listens:
27062
Who:
Turret
This. Sentence. Is. FALSE don't think about it don't think about it...
Listens:
26873
Who:
GLaDOS
*cough* PRESS THE BUTTON.
Listens:
26804
Who:
Wheatley
Did you know that people with guilty consciences are more easily startled by loud noises--[train horn]--
Listens:
26786
Who:
GLaDOS
If at first you don't succeed, fail 5 more times.
Listens:
25084
Who:
GLaDOS
Why do I hate you so much? You ever wonder that? I'm brilliant. I’m not bragging. It's an objective fact. I'm the most massive collection of wisdom that’s ever existed. And I hate you. It can't be for no reason. You must deserve it.
Listens:
24632
Who:
GLaDOS
I feel awful about that surprise. Tell you what, let's give your parents a call right now. [phone ringing] The birth parents you are trying to reach do not love you. Please hang up. [Dial tone]
Listens:
24500
Who:
GLaDOS
Aristotle versus Mashy-spike-plate!
Listens:
23920
Who:
Wheatley
If you had underwear? And a butt? I would pull your underwear... right up your butt.
Listens:
23016
Who:
Core 2
Okay. Look. We both said a lot of things that you're going to regret. But I think we can put our differences behind us. For science. You monster.
Listens:
22795
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh... Mr. Johnson...
Listens:
22459
Who:
Caroline
Hello? Friend.
Listens:
22240
Who:
Turret
Good morning. You have been in suspension for nine nine nine... nine nine ni- This courtesy call is to inform you that all test subjects should immediately vacate [FADES OUT]
Listens:
22008
Who:
Announcer
Gotta go to space. Lady. Lady.
Listens:
22007
Who:
Core 1
He's not just a regular moron. He's the product of the greatest minds of a generation working together with the express purpose of building the dumbest moron who ever lived. And you just put him in charge of the entire facility.
Listens:
21406
Who:
GLaDOS
Goodbye Caroline!
Listens:
20669
Who:
Caroline
You're not just a regular moron. You were DESIGNED to be a moron.
Listens:
20506
Who:
GLaDOS
Explosion imminent. Evacuate the facility immediately.
Listens:
20311
Who:
Announcer
Interpreting vague answer as YES.
Listens:
20050
Who:
Announcer
Did you put a virus in them? It's not going to work either. I've got a firewall, mate. Literally, actually, now that I look around. There appears to be literally a wall of fire around this place. Alarming. To say the least.
Listens:
20045
Who:
Wheatley
I don't blame you
Listens:
19875
Who:
Turret
I know how humans make more humans, and frankly, it's ridiculous. It also assumes that you already have a human, which I hope somebody got fired over. So I came up a with BETTER way.
Listens:
19667
Who:
GLaDOS
Glorious freedom!
Listens:
19554
Who:
Turret
'Goodbye, Caroline.'
Listens:
19369
Who:
Caroline
You are the farthest ever in space. Why me, space? Because you are the best. I'm the best at space? Yes.
Listens:
18870
Who:
Core 1
Hey! Moron!
Listens:
18370
Who:
GLaDOS
Space? SPACE!
Listens:
18263
Who:
Core 1
Nobody is going to space, mate!
Listens:
17788
Who:
Wheatley
Good news is, the lab boys say the symptoms of asbestos poisoning show a median latency of forty-four point six years, so if you're thirty or older, you're laughing. Worst case scenario, you miss out on a few rounds of canasta, plus you forwarded the cause of science by three centuries. I punch those numbers into my calculator, it makes a happy face.
Listens:
17689
Who:
Cave Johnson
Am I being too vague? I despise you. I loathe you. You arrogant, smugly quiet, awful jumpsuited monster of a woman. You and your little potato friend. This place would have been a triumph if it wasn't for you!
Listens:
17687
Who:
Wheatley
Lady. I love space. I know! Spell it! S P... AACE. Space. Space.
Listens:
17446
Who:
Core 1
[clap clap]
Listens:
17076
Who:
GLaDOS
SPACE!
Listens:
16971
Who:
Wheatley
I can't see a thing. What just happened? Better open fire! [click click click click] Dang!
Listens:
16960
Who:
Defective Turret
Don't make lemonade!
Listens:
16922
Who:
Turret
Um. 'TRUE'. I'll go 'true'.
Listens:
16637
Who:
Wheatley
Caroline deleted.
Listens:
16541
Who:
Announcer
I was getting SO lonely down here. It's good to finally hear someone else's voice. I'm kidding, of course. God, I hate you.
Listens:
16418
Who:
GLaDOS
Goodbye, Caroline.
Listens:
16038
Who:
GLaDOS
Still, it turns out they're a great portal conductor. So now we're gonna see if jumping in and out of these new portals can somehow leech the lunar poison out of a man's bloodstream. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. [coughs] Let's all stay positive and do some science.
Listens:
15886
Who:
Cave Johnson
Ba! Ba! Ba ba ba! Space! Ba! Ba! Ba ba ba!
Listens:
15818
Who:
Core 1
I don't want this!
Listens:
15799
Who:
Caroline
You messed with the wrong turret!
Listens:
15627
Who:
Defective Turret
Oo. Oo. Oo. Lady. Oo. Lady. Oo. Let's go to space.
Listens:
15210
Who:
Core 1
Well, you know the old formula: Comedy equals tragedy plus time. And you have been asleep for a while. So I guess it's actually pretty funny when you do the math.
Listens:
15092
Who:
GLaDOS
One of these times you'll be so fat that you'll jump, and you'll just drop like a stone. Into acid, probably. Like a potato into a deep fat fryer.
Listens:
15061
Who:
GLaDOS
No, listen to me! Sir, I do not want this!
Listens:
15059
Who:
Caroline
The Space Sphere will never go to space.
Listens:
15046
Who:
Core 3
Bad news is we're postponing those tests indefinitely. Good news is we've got a much better test for you: fighting an army of mantis men. Pick up a rifle and follow the yellow line. You'll know when the test starts.
Listens:
15045
Who:
Cave Johnson
I'll tell ya, it's times like this I wish I had a waist so I could wear all my black belts. Yeah, I'm a black belt. In pretty much everything. Karate. Larate. Jiu Jitsu. Kick punching. Belt making. Taekwondo... Bedroom.
Listens:
15042
Who:
Core 2
They say the old caretaker of this place went absolutely crazy. Chopped up his entire staff. Of robots. All of them robots. They say at night you can still hear the screams. Of their replicas. All of them functionally indistinguishable from the originals. No memory of the incident. Nobody knows what they’re screaming about. Absolutely terrifying. Though obviously not paranormal in any meaningful way.
Listens:
15042
Who:
Wheatley
Space space wanna go to space yes please space. Space space. Go to space.
Listens:
15037
Who:
Core 1
The bean counters told me we literally could not afford to buy seven dollars worth of moon rocks, much less seventy million. Bought 'em anyway. Ground 'em up, mixed em into a gel.
Listens:
15035
Who:
Cave Johnson
00:00 / 00:00
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