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In case you're interested, there's still some positions available for that bonus opportunity I mentioned earlier. Again: all you gotta do is let us disassemble you. We're not banging rocks together here. We know how to put a man back together.
Listens:
1196
Who:
Cave Johnson
That said, I would really appreciate it if you could test as fast as possible. Caroline, please bring me more pain pills.
Listens:
1193
Who:
Cave Johnson
*I* have to go to the wing that was made entirely of glass and pick up fifteen acres of broken glass. By myself.
Listens:
1193
Who:
GLaDOS
You're not going to believe this. I found a sealed off wing. Hundreds - HUNDREDS! - of perfectly good test chambers. Just sitting there. Filled with skeletons. Shook them out. Good as new!
Listens:
1193
Who:
Wheatley
So I've been thinking: We need humans for these tests. And since the only human within a thousand miles of us is a test-ruining sociopath... I'll just have to MAKE some.
Listens:
1191
Who:
GLaDOS
During the Great Depression, the Tennessee Valley Authority outlawed pet rabbits, forcing many to hot glue-gun long ears onto their pet mice.
Listens:
1189
Who:
Core 3
Aw... hates Mondays.
Listens:
1189
Who:
GLaDOS
Hey, hold on now WHOA WHOA WHOA!
Listens:
1186
Who:
Defective Turret
Say one useful thing. One. I dare you. I will give you a hundred dollars if you say one thing remotely applicable to anything at all.
Listens:
1182
Who:
Core 2
I was going to kill you fast. With bullets. Or neurotoxin. But if you're going to pull stunts like this, it doesn't have to be fast. So you know. I'll take my time.
Listens:
1179
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh. Sorry. I was just thinking of all the ways humans can die.
Listens:
1178
Who:
GLaDOS
Hey lady.
Listens:
1176
Who:
Core 1
The likelihood of you dying within the next five minutes is eighty-seven point six one percent.
Listens:
1176
Who:
Core 3
If you feel liquid running down your neck, relax, lie on your back, and apply immediate pressure to your temples.
Listens:
1171
Who:
Announcer
At the time of this recording, Federal disclosure policies require us to inform you that this next test is probably lethal and to redirect you to a safer test environment.
Listens:
1171
Who:
Announcer
Hell, put her in my computer. I don't care.
Listens:
1169
Who:
Cave Johnson
If you're interested in an additional sixty dollars, flag down a test associate and let 'em know. You could walk out of here with a hundred and twenty weighing down your bindle if you let us take you apart, put some science stuff in you, then put you back together good as new.
Listens:
1169
Who:
Cave Johnson
Contrary to popular belief, the Eskimo does not have one hundred different words for snow. They do, however, have two hundred and thirty-four words for fudge.
Listens:
1168
Who:
Core 3
Congratulations! The simple fact that you're standing here listening to me means you've made a glorious contribution to science.
Listens:
1167
Who:
Cave Johnson
Look, an eclipse! No. Don't look.
Listens:
1165
Who:
Core 1
The likelihood of you dying violently within the next five minutes is eighty-seven point six one percent.
Listens:
1163
Who:
Core 3
If you're hearing this, it means you're taking a long time on the catwalks between tests. The lab boys say that might be a fear reaction.
Listens:
1162
Who:
Cave Johnson
Uh oh. You're stranded. Let's see if the cube will try to help you escape. Actually, so that we're not here all day, I'll just cut to the chase: It won't. Any feelings you think it has for you are simply byproducts of your sad, empty life.
Listens:
1161
Who:
GLaDOS
Unknown error
Listens:
1159
Who:
Turret
Ah!
Listens:
1146
Who:
Core 1
Don't listen to her! It IS true that you don't have the qualifications. But you've got something more important than that. A finger, with which to press that button, so that she won't kill us.
Listens:
1144
Who:
Wheatley
What, are you fighting that guy? You got that under control? You know, because, looks like there's a lot of stuff on fire...
Listens:
1139
Who:
Core 2
Yes sir, Mister Johnson.
Listens:
1136
Who:
Caroline
Again, those are science collaboration points, which you should not confuse with points from competitions such as Who-Gets-To-Live-At-The-End-And-Who-Doesn’t. I mean basketball.
Listens:
1136
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello there!
Listens:
1129
Who:
Defective Turret
The end.
Listens:
1127
Who:
GLaDOS
You know, in the end, yes, they let me go. It's all politics, to be honest. It's a big popularity contest, it's all about who you know, and whose back you're willing to scratch, who doesn't touch -- or, in my case, who did accidentally touch -- the neurotoxin button.
Listens:
1125
Who:
Wheatley
Space space space. Going. Going there. Okay. I love you, space.
Listens:
1124
Who:
Core 1
Hey, a countdown clock! Man, that is trouble. Situation's looking pretty ugly. For such a beautiful woman. If you don't mind me saying.
Listens:
1122
Who:
Core 2
As you can see, in my version the man points out to the cat that the house is equipped with deadly neurotoxin dispensers.
Listens:
1121
Who:
GLaDOS
Hey! It's me!
Listens:
1120
Who:
Turret
Nooooooooo...
Listens:
1112
Who:
Defective Turret
Alright, can't blame me for trying. Okay... New tests, new tests... there's gotta be some tests around here somewhere.
Listens:
1110
Who:
Wheatley
At which point the cat reflects on the time he ate all of the man's lasagna and feels remorse.
Listens:
1109
Who:
GLaDOS
Turret redemption lines active.
Listens:
1108
Who:
Announcer
Well. This is the part where he kills us.
Listens:
1108
Who:
GLaDOS
For this next test, we put nanoparticles in the gel. In layman's terms, that's a billion little gizmos that are gonna travel into your bloodstream and pump experimental genes and RNA molecules and so forth into your tumors.
Listens:
1105
Who:
Cave Johnson
What do you think?
Listens:
1102
Who:
Wheatley
You know, deleting Caroline just now taught me a valuable lesson. The best solution to a problem is usually the easiest one. And I'll be honest.
Listens:
1098
Who:
GLaDOS
You know what, this plan is so good, I'm going to give you a sporting chance and turn off the neurotoxin. I'm joking. Of course. Goodbye.
Listens:
1096
Who:
Wheatley
Do hear that? That's the sound of the neurotoxin emitters emitting neurotoxin.
Listens:
1095
Who:
GLaDOS
Without the looming consequence of death, is this even science?
Listens:
1095
Who:
GLaDOS
Okay. I guess emotional outbursts require more than one point six volts. Now we know that. We just need to relax. We're still going to find out what the hell's going on here. But calmly.
Listens:
1087
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh, that felt really good.
Listens:
1087
Who:
Wheatley
Oh oh oh oh. Wait wait. Wait I know. I know. I know wait. Space.
Listens:
1085
Who:
Core 1
Die!
Listens:
1085
Who:
Defective Turret
And... forty potato batteries. Embarrassing. I realize they’re children. Still: low hanging fruit. Barely science, really.
Listens:
1084
Who:
Wheatley
Good. Now please return to your bed.
Listens:
1080
Who:
Announcer
I honestly, TRULY didn't think you'd fall for that.
Listens:
1080
Who:
GLaDOS
Why did I just-Who is that? What the HELL is going on he----?
Listens:
1077
Who:
GLaDOS
Yes, alright, okay. This is getting tiresome. I'm surprised you haven't got anything better to do. I know I have. You've proven you can break screens. Proven. Factual. Well done. Good. Aren't you little miss clever. Little miss smashy-smash.
Listens:
1077
Who:
Wheatley
I wouldn't have warned you about this before, back when we hated each other. But those turrets are firing real bullets. So look out. I'd hate for something tragic to happen to you before I extract all your bone marrow.
Listens:
1075
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello? Can you--can you pick me up, please?
Listens:
1074
Who:
Wheatley
That's funny, I don't feel corrupt. In fact, I feel pretty good.
Listens:
1069
Who:
GLaDOS
Enough! I told you not to put these cores on me. But you don't listen, do you? Quiet. All the time. Quietly not listening to a word I say. Judging me. Silently. The worst kind.
Listens:
1068
Who:
Wheatley
Ahhh... Wha- What happened?
Listens:
1064
Who:
Wheatley
Alternate core detected.
Listens:
1062
Who:
Announcer
Killing you? Is hard.
Listens:
1056
Who:
GLaDOS
[sound of pages turning] Oh, sorry. Hope that didn't disturb you just then. It was the sound of books. Pages being turned.
Listens:
1056
Who:
Wheatley
AHHHHHHHHH!
Listens:
1052
Who:
Turret
Oh there goes another one. They're not Inexpensive. I'd just like to point that out. It seems unfair to smash screens. You could give them to people. Instead of smashing them, unscrew them and give them to a homeless person. I don't know what a homeless person would do with one. But you get my point. And you can't unscrew them, they're bolted in. But - just stop it!
Listens:
1047
Who:
Wheatley
Now than, let's see what we got here. Ah! 'Reactor Core Emergency Heat Venting Protocols.' That's the problem right there, isn't it? 'Emergency'. You don't want to see 'emergency' flashing at you. Never good that, is it? Right. DELETE.
Listens:
1045
Who:
Wheatley
Oh I know! I know I know I know I know I know - let's go to space!
Listens:
1041
Who:
Core 1
We're so close! Go press the button!
Listens:
1033
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello? Can y--no?
Listens:
1030
Who:
Wheatley
Wanna go home wanna go home wanna go home wanna go home.
Listens:
1029
Who:
Core 1
I give you a score of 3.4 for style and 10 for being annoying.
Listens:
1028
Who:
GLaDOS
Look - metal ball, I CAN hear you.
Listens:
1012
Who:
GLaDOS
Yes Mr. Johnson
Listens:
1010
Who:
Caroline
Now your fat eyes have seen everything.
Listens:
1010
Who:
GLaDOS
Error. Error. Error. Fact not found.
Listens:
1005
Who:
Core 3
Very impressive! Because this message is prerecorded, any comments we may make about your success are speculation on our part. Please disregard any undeserved compliments.
Listens:
1005
Who:
GLaDOS
Blah.
Listens:
1003
Who:
GLaDOS
Hah! It bloody worked! I hacked it! Hacked. Properly. Properly hacked. Ha ha ha!
Listens:
1003
Who:
Wheatley
[sigh] Don't tell anyone about this.
Listens:
997
Who:
Defective Turret
Sir, the test.
Listens:
991
Who:
Caroline
Corrupted core, are you ready to start the procedure?
Listens:
990
Who:
Announcer
If cube- and button-based testing caused this emergency, don't worry. The odds of this happening twice are very slim.
Listens:
989
Who:
Announcer
New template accepted.
Listens:
989
Who:
Announcer
Hey hey hey hey hey!
Listens:
989
Who:
Core 1
So twisty you might even call it spinning. MOO HOO HA HA HA Ignore the laughter. Nothing to worry about.
Listens:
987
Who:
Wheatley
Thank you - I can't believe I'm thanking these people - for staggering your way through Aperture Science's propulsion gel testing. You've made some real contributions to society for a change, and for that, humanity is grateful.
Listens:
982
Who:
Cave Johnson
Space!
Listens:
982
Who:
Core 1
Get dirty with this robot! This robot owes you money! This robot owes! You! Money!
Listens:
982
Who:
Core 2
Can't. See. A. Thing.
Listens:
982
Who:
Defective Turret
I HAVE to test. All the time. Or I get this... this ITCH. It must be hardwired into the system or something.
Listens:
981
Who:
Wheatley
Sorry, are you still there? Could you--could you pick me up?
Listens:
981
Who:
Wheatley
Mr. Johnson...
Listens:
980
Who:
Caroline
Cellular phones will not give you cancer. Only hepatitis.
Listens:
980
Who:
Core 3
You really aren't getting tired of that, are you?
Listens:
979
Who:
GLaDOS
Press the button!
Listens:
979
Who:
GLaDOS
*cough* Button. Button.
Listens:
979
Who:
Wheatley
Just hang in there for five more - What? Jerry, you can't fire me for that! Yes, JERRY -- OR, maybe your prejudiced worksite should have accommodated a nanobot of my size. Thanks for the hate crime, Jer!
Listens:
978
Who:
Wheatley
Sir!
Listens:
975
Who:
Caroline
Error. Error. Error. File not found.
Listens:
975
Who:
Core 3
00:00 / 00:00
Test Player
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