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Portal 2
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You look great, by the way. Very healthy.
Listens:
1270
Who:
GLaDOS
Anyway, new turrets. Not defective. Ace of fours. The best hand. Unbeatable, I imagine.
Listens:
1269
Who:
Wheatley
There's a star. There's another one. Star. Star star star. Star.
Listens:
1268
Who:
Core 1
Ohh. You're gonna laugh at this. You know how I said there was absolutely no way to get here without going through her lair and her potentially killing us? Could have gone through here. [laughs] My fault. Bit of luck for us that she wasn't switched on.
Listens:
1265
Who:
Wheatley
Hell, put her in my computer. I don't care.
Listens:
1262
Who:
Cave Johnson
Oh shut up!
Listens:
1262
Who:
Core 2
Unknown error
Listens:
1260
Who:
Turret
I was going to kill you fast. With bullets. Or neurotoxin. But if you're going to pull stunts like this, it doesn't have to be fast. So you know. I'll take my time.
Listens:
1257
Who:
GLaDOS
Uh oh. You're stranded. Let's see if the cube will try to help you escape. Actually, so that we're not here all day, I'll just cut to the chase: It won't. Any feelings you think it has for you are simply byproducts of your sad, empty life.
Listens:
1255
Who:
GLaDOS
So I've been thinking: We need humans for these tests. And since the only human within a thousand miles of us is a test-ruining sociopath... I'll just have to MAKE some.
Listens:
1254
Who:
GLaDOS
Hey! It's me!
Listens:
1251
Who:
Turret
Hello there!
Listens:
1250
Who:
Defective Turret
Congratulations! The simple fact that you're standing here listening to me means you've made a glorious contribution to science.
Listens:
1249
Who:
Cave Johnson
Oh. Sorry. I was just thinking of all the ways humans can die.
Listens:
1248
Who:
GLaDOS
During the Great Depression, the Tennessee Valley Authority outlawed pet rabbits, forcing many to hot glue-gun long ears onto their pet mice.
Listens:
1247
Who:
Core 3
The end.
Listens:
1240
Who:
GLaDOS
If you're interested in an additional sixty dollars, flag down a test associate and let 'em know. You could walk out of here with a hundred and twenty weighing down your bindle if you let us take you apart, put some science stuff in you, then put you back together good as new.
Listens:
1236
Who:
Cave Johnson
The likelihood of you dying within the next five minutes is eighty-seven point six one percent.
Listens:
1233
Who:
Core 3
Ah!
Listens:
1231
Who:
Core 1
At the time of this recording, Federal disclosure policies require us to inform you that this next test is probably lethal and to redirect you to a safer test environment.
Listens:
1229
Who:
Announcer
Yes sir, Mister Johnson.
Listens:
1229
Who:
Caroline
Look, an eclipse! No. Don't look.
Listens:
1229
Who:
Core 1
If you feel liquid running down your neck, relax, lie on your back, and apply immediate pressure to your temples.
Listens:
1228
Who:
Announcer
If you're hearing this, it means you're taking a long time on the catwalks between tests. The lab boys say that might be a fear reaction.
Listens:
1226
Who:
Cave Johnson
Hey lady.
Listens:
1226
Who:
Core 1
Say one useful thing. One. I dare you. I will give you a hundred dollars if you say one thing remotely applicable to anything at all.
Listens:
1226
Who:
Core 2
You're not going to believe this. I found a sealed off wing. Hundreds - HUNDREDS! - of perfectly good test chambers. Just sitting there. Filled with skeletons. Shook them out. Good as new!
Listens:
1225
Who:
Wheatley
Blah.
Listens:
1223
Who:
GLaDOS
As you can see, in my version the man points out to the cat that the house is equipped with deadly neurotoxin dispensers.
Listens:
1209
Who:
GLaDOS
Don't listen to her! It IS true that you don't have the qualifications. But you've got something more important than that. A finger, with which to press that button, so that she won't kill us.
Listens:
1204
Who:
Wheatley
The likelihood of you dying violently within the next five minutes is eighty-seven point six one percent.
Listens:
1203
Who:
Core 3
Contrary to popular belief, the Eskimo does not have one hundred different words for snow. They do, however, have two hundred and thirty-four words for fudge.
Listens:
1203
Who:
Core 3
Again, those are science collaboration points, which you should not confuse with points from competitions such as Who-Gets-To-Live-At-The-End-And-Who-Doesn’t. I mean basketball.
Listens:
1201
Who:
GLaDOS
Nooooooooo...
Listens:
1201
Who:
Defective Turret
Well. This is the part where he kills us.
Listens:
1200
Who:
GLaDOS
Why did I just-Who is that? What the HELL is going on he----?
Listens:
1191
Who:
GLaDOS
Space space space. Going. Going there. Okay. I love you, space.
Listens:
1189
Who:
Core 1
You know, deleting Caroline just now taught me a valuable lesson. The best solution to a problem is usually the easiest one. And I'll be honest.
Listens:
1186
Who:
GLaDOS
At which point the cat reflects on the time he ate all of the man's lasagna and feels remorse.
Listens:
1184
Who:
GLaDOS
Die!
Listens:
1181
Who:
Defective Turret
For this next test, we put nanoparticles in the gel. In layman's terms, that's a billion little gizmos that are gonna travel into your bloodstream and pump experimental genes and RNA molecules and so forth into your tumors.
Listens:
1178
Who:
Cave Johnson
What, are you fighting that guy? You got that under control? You know, because, looks like there's a lot of stuff on fire...
Listens:
1178
Who:
Core 2
Do hear that? That's the sound of the neurotoxin emitters emitting neurotoxin.
Listens:
1174
Who:
GLaDOS
Turret redemption lines active.
Listens:
1173
Who:
Announcer
You know, in the end, yes, they let me go. It's all politics, to be honest. It's a big popularity contest, it's all about who you know, and whose back you're willing to scratch, who doesn't touch -- or, in my case, who did accidentally touch -- the neurotoxin button.
Listens:
1172
Who:
Wheatley
AHHHHHHHHH!
Listens:
1172
Who:
Turret
Good. Now please return to your bed.
Listens:
1170
Who:
Announcer
Alright, can't blame me for trying. Okay... New tests, new tests... there's gotta be some tests around here somewhere.
Listens:
1170
Who:
Wheatley
I honestly, TRULY didn't think you'd fall for that.
Listens:
1169
Who:
GLaDOS
That's funny, I don't feel corrupt. In fact, I feel pretty good.
Listens:
1166
Who:
GLaDOS
I wouldn't have warned you about this before, back when we hated each other. But those turrets are firing real bullets. So look out. I'd hate for something tragic to happen to you before I extract all your bone marrow.
Listens:
1162
Who:
GLaDOS
Hey, a countdown clock! Man, that is trouble. Situation's looking pretty ugly. For such a beautiful woman. If you don't mind me saying.
Listens:
1156
Who:
Core 2
You know what, this plan is so good, I'm going to give you a sporting chance and turn off the neurotoxin. I'm joking. Of course. Goodbye.
Listens:
1155
Who:
Wheatley
Alternate core detected.
Listens:
1149
Who:
Announcer
Oh, that felt really good.
Listens:
1146
Who:
Wheatley
Ahhh... Wha- What happened?
Listens:
1146
Who:
Wheatley
Hello? Can you--can you pick me up, please?
Listens:
1140
Who:
Wheatley
Without the looming consequence of death, is this even science?
Listens:
1138
Who:
GLaDOS
What do you think?
Listens:
1138
Who:
Wheatley
Oh oh oh oh. Wait wait. Wait I know. I know. I know wait. Space.
Listens:
1135
Who:
Core 1
And... forty potato batteries. Embarrassing. I realize they’re children. Still: low hanging fruit. Barely science, really.
Listens:
1135
Who:
Wheatley
Enough! I told you not to put these cores on me. But you don't listen, do you? Quiet. All the time. Quietly not listening to a word I say. Judging me. Silently. The worst kind.
Listens:
1134
Who:
Wheatley
Okay. I guess emotional outbursts require more than one point six volts. Now we know that. We just need to relax. We're still going to find out what the hell's going on here. But calmly.
Listens:
1132
Who:
GLaDOS
Killing you? Is hard.
Listens:
1127
Who:
GLaDOS
Yes, alright, okay. This is getting tiresome. I'm surprised you haven't got anything better to do. I know I have. You've proven you can break screens. Proven. Factual. Well done. Good. Aren't you little miss clever. Little miss smashy-smash.
Listens:
1108
Who:
Wheatley
Oh there goes another one. They're not Inexpensive. I'd just like to point that out. It seems unfair to smash screens. You could give them to people. Instead of smashing them, unscrew them and give them to a homeless person. I don't know what a homeless person would do with one. But you get my point. And you can't unscrew them, they're bolted in. But - just stop it!
Listens:
1107
Who:
Wheatley
Hello? Can y--no?
Listens:
1107
Who:
Wheatley
Oh I know! I know I know I know I know I know - let's go to space!
Listens:
1106
Who:
Core 1
We're so close! Go press the button!
Listens:
1105
Who:
GLaDOS
[sound of pages turning] Oh, sorry. Hope that didn't disturb you just then. It was the sound of books. Pages being turned.
Listens:
1105
Who:
Wheatley
Yes Mr. Johnson
Listens:
1102
Who:
Caroline
[sigh] Don't tell anyone about this.
Listens:
1094
Who:
Defective Turret
Now than, let's see what we got here. Ah! 'Reactor Core Emergency Heat Venting Protocols.' That's the problem right there, isn't it? 'Emergency'. You don't want to see 'emergency' flashing at you. Never good that, is it? Right. DELETE.
Listens:
1092
Who:
Wheatley
Now your fat eyes have seen everything.
Listens:
1091
Who:
GLaDOS
Wanna go home wanna go home wanna go home wanna go home.
Listens:
1090
Who:
Core 1
I give you a score of 3.4 for style and 10 for being annoying.
Listens:
1088
Who:
GLaDOS
Look - metal ball, I CAN hear you.
Listens:
1084
Who:
GLaDOS
Can't. See. A. Thing.
Listens:
1084
Who:
Defective Turret
Oops. You trapped yourself. I guess that's it then. Thanks for testing. You may as well lie down and get acclimated to the being dead position.
Listens:
1082
Who:
GLaDOS
Mr. Johnson...
Listens:
1079
Who:
Caroline
Owwwww!
Listens:
1076
Who:
Turret
Sir, the test.
Listens:
1074
Who:
Caroline
Test chamber completed. In the interest of - [FADES OUT] [FADES IN] I am now talking to you privately. Do not tell your teammate. Just between you and me? You're doing very well. [FADES BACK IN] One hundred and seven.
Listens:
1074
Who:
GLaDOS
Blah.
Listens:
1074
Who:
GLaDOS
Very impressive! Because this message is prerecorded, any comments we may make about your success are speculation on our part. Please disregard any undeserved compliments.
Listens:
1070
Who:
GLaDOS
New template accepted.
Listens:
1065
Who:
Announcer
I am!
Listens:
1064
Who:
Caroline
Sentry mode activated
Listens:
1063
Who:
Turret
Corrupted core, are you ready to start the procedure?
Listens:
1062
Who:
Announcer
If cube- and button-based testing caused this emergency, don't worry. The odds of this happening twice are very slim.
Listens:
1061
Who:
Announcer
Sir!
Listens:
1057
Who:
Caroline
*cough* Button. Button.
Listens:
1056
Who:
Wheatley
Error. Error. Error. Fact not found.
Listens:
1054
Who:
Core 3
Get dirty with this robot! This robot owes you money! This robot owes! You! Money!
Listens:
1054
Who:
Core 2
You should see yourselves right now.
Listens:
1053
Who:
GLaDOS
You really aren't getting tired of that, are you?
Listens:
1052
Who:
GLaDOS
Space!
Listens:
1051
Who:
Core 1
Good news. I figured out what to do with all the money I save recycling your one roomful of air. When you die, I'm going to laminate your skeleton and pose you in the lobby. That way future generations can learn from you how not to have your unfortunate bone structure.
Listens:
1051
Who:
GLaDOS
Thank you - I can't believe I'm thanking these people - for staggering your way through Aperture Science's propulsion gel testing. You've made some real contributions to society for a change, and for that, humanity is grateful.
Listens:
1050
Who:
Cave Johnson
Press the button!
Listens:
1049
Who:
GLaDOS
00:00 / 00:00
Test Player
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