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Portal 2
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Portal 1 Music
Team Fortress 2
TF2 Music
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There's a star. There's another one. Star. Star star star. Star.
Listens:
1098
Who:
Core 1
Aw... hates Mondays.
Listens:
1098
Who:
GLaDOS
AHHHHHHH!
Listens:
1098
Who:
Wheatley
The likelihood of you dying violently within the next five minutes is eighty-seven point six one percent.
Listens:
1095
Who:
Core 3
Again, those are science collaboration points, which you should not confuse with points from competitions such as Who-Gets-To-Live-At-The-End-And-Who-Doesn’t. I mean basketball.
Listens:
1095
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh. Sorry. I was just thinking of all the ways humans can die.
Listens:
1085
Who:
GLaDOS
Hey, a countdown clock! Man, that is trouble. Situation's looking pretty ugly. For such a beautiful woman. If you don't mind me saying.
Listens:
1082
Who:
Core 2
At the time of this recording, Federal disclosure policies require us to inform you that this next test is probably lethal and to redirect you to a safer test environment.
Listens:
1081
Who:
Announcer
If you're interested in an additional sixty dollars, flag down a test associate and let 'em know. You could walk out of here with a hundred and twenty weighing down your bindle if you let us take you apart, put some science stuff in you, then put you back together good as new.
Listens:
1080
Who:
Cave Johnson
If you feel liquid running down your neck, relax, lie on your back, and apply immediate pressure to your temples.
Listens:
1078
Who:
Announcer
In case you're interested, there's still some positions available for that bonus opportunity I mentioned earlier. Again: all you gotta do is let us disassemble you. We're not banging rocks together here. We know how to put a man back together.
Listens:
1077
Who:
Cave Johnson
You know, in the end, yes, they let me go. It's all politics, to be honest. It's a big popularity contest, it's all about who you know, and whose back you're willing to scratch, who doesn't touch -- or, in my case, who did accidentally touch -- the neurotoxin button.
Listens:
1075
Who:
Wheatley
5000 point penalty! Are you happy now?
Listens:
1073
Who:
GLaDOS
Congratulations! The simple fact that you're standing here listening to me means you've made a glorious contribution to science.
Listens:
1071
Who:
Cave Johnson
(excited gasps)
Listens:
1071
Who:
Core 1
Unknown error
Listens:
1063
Who:
Turret
Hey, hold on now WHOA WHOA WHOA!
Listens:
1054
Who:
Defective Turret
Hell, put her in my computer. I don't care.
Listens:
1052
Who:
Cave Johnson
Yes sir, Mister Johnson.
Listens:
1050
Who:
Caroline
What do you think?
Listens:
1049
Who:
Wheatley
Without the looming consequence of death, is this even science?
Listens:
1046
Who:
GLaDOS
The end.
Listens:
1044
Who:
GLaDOS
Okay. I guess emotional outbursts require more than one point six volts. Now we know that. We just need to relax. We're still going to find out what the hell's going on here. But calmly.
Listens:
1044
Who:
GLaDOS
Look, an eclipse! No. Don't look.
Listens:
1042
Who:
Core 1
As you can see, in my version the man points out to the cat that the house is equipped with deadly neurotoxin dispensers.
Listens:
1042
Who:
GLaDOS
You know, deleting Caroline just now taught me a valuable lesson. The best solution to a problem is usually the easiest one. And I'll be honest.
Listens:
1040
Who:
GLaDOS
At which point the cat reflects on the time he ate all of the man's lasagna and feels remorse.
Listens:
1037
Who:
GLaDOS
Yes, alright, okay. This is getting tiresome. I'm surprised you haven't got anything better to do. I know I have. You've proven you can break screens. Proven. Factual. Well done. Good. Aren't you little miss clever. Little miss smashy-smash.
Listens:
1036
Who:
Wheatley
Alright, can't blame me for trying. Okay... New tests, new tests... there's gotta be some tests around here somewhere.
Listens:
1035
Who:
Wheatley
And... forty potato batteries. Embarrassing. I realize they’re children. Still: low hanging fruit. Barely science, really.
Listens:
1032
Who:
Wheatley
Oh, that felt really good.
Listens:
1031
Who:
Wheatley
I wouldn't have warned you about this before, back when we hated each other. But those turrets are firing real bullets. So look out. I'd hate for something tragic to happen to you before I extract all your bone marrow.
Listens:
1030
Who:
GLaDOS
For this next test, we put nanoparticles in the gel. In layman's terms, that's a billion little gizmos that are gonna travel into your bloodstream and pump experimental genes and RNA molecules and so forth into your tumors.
Listens:
1029
Who:
Cave Johnson
Well. This is the part where he kills us.
Listens:
1029
Who:
GLaDOS
Do hear that? That's the sound of the neurotoxin emitters emitting neurotoxin.
Listens:
1022
Who:
GLaDOS
Space space space. Going. Going there. Okay. I love you, space.
Listens:
1021
Who:
Core 1
You know what, this plan is so good, I'm going to give you a sporting chance and turn off the neurotoxin. I'm joking. Of course. Goodbye.
Listens:
1016
Who:
Wheatley
Hello there!
Listens:
1012
Who:
Defective Turret
That's funny, I don't feel corrupt. In fact, I feel pretty good.
Listens:
1007
Who:
GLaDOS
[sound of pages turning] Oh, sorry. Hope that didn't disturb you just then. It was the sound of books. Pages being turned.
Listens:
1001
Who:
Wheatley
I honestly, TRULY didn't think you'd fall for that.
Listens:
1000
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh oh oh oh. Wait wait. Wait I know. I know. I know wait. Space.
Listens:
999
Who:
Core 1
Enough! I told you not to put these cores on me. But you don't listen, do you? Quiet. All the time. Quietly not listening to a word I say. Judging me. Silently. The worst kind.
Listens:
997
Who:
Wheatley
Hello? Can you--can you pick me up, please?
Listens:
997
Who:
Wheatley
Oh there goes another one. They're not Inexpensive. I'd just like to point that out. It seems unfair to smash screens. You could give them to people. Instead of smashing them, unscrew them and give them to a homeless person. I don't know what a homeless person would do with one. But you get my point. And you can't unscrew them, they're bolted in. But - just stop it!
Listens:
994
Who:
Wheatley
Hey! It's me!
Listens:
989
Who:
Turret
Killing you? Is hard.
Listens:
987
Who:
GLaDOS
Good. Now please return to your bed.
Listens:
975
Who:
Announcer
Turret redemption lines active.
Listens:
973
Who:
Announcer
Alternate core detected.
Listens:
971
Who:
Announcer
We're so close! Go press the button!
Listens:
971
Who:
GLaDOS
I give you a score of 3.4 for style and 10 for being annoying.
Listens:
971
Who:
GLaDOS
Nooooooooo...
Listens:
964
Who:
Defective Turret
Oh I know! I know I know I know I know I know - let's go to space!
Listens:
961
Who:
Core 1
Now than, let's see what we got here. Ah! 'Reactor Core Emergency Heat Venting Protocols.' That's the problem right there, isn't it? 'Emergency'. You don't want to see 'emergency' flashing at you. Never good that, is it? Right. DELETE.
Listens:
961
Who:
Wheatley
Ah!
Listens:
960
Who:
Core 1
Now your fat eyes have seen everything.
Listens:
951
Who:
GLaDOS
Die!
Listens:
950
Who:
Defective Turret
I HAVE to test. All the time. Or I get this... this ITCH. It must be hardwired into the system or something.
Listens:
943
Who:
Wheatley
Very impressive! Because this message is prerecorded, any comments we may make about your success are speculation on our part. Please disregard any undeserved compliments.
Listens:
942
Who:
GLaDOS
Look - metal ball, I CAN hear you.
Listens:
941
Who:
GLaDOS
Sorry, are you still there? Could you--could you pick me up?
Listens:
940
Who:
Wheatley
Get dirty with this robot! This robot owes you money! This robot owes! You! Money!
Listens:
939
Who:
Core 2
Error. Error. Error. Fact not found.
Listens:
936
Who:
Core 3
Blah.
Listens:
935
Who:
GLaDOS
Hah! It bloody worked! I hacked it! Hacked. Properly. Properly hacked. Ha ha ha!
Listens:
932
Who:
Wheatley
Hello? Can y--no?
Listens:
931
Who:
Wheatley
Cellular phones will not give you cancer. Only hepatitis.
Listens:
923
Who:
Core 3
Why did I just-Who is that? What the HELL is going on he----?
Listens:
923
Who:
GLaDOS
The plural of surgeon general is surgeons general. The past tense of surgeons general is surgeonsed general.
Listens:
921
Who:
Core 3
So twisty you might even call it spinning. MOO HOO HA HA HA Ignore the laughter. Nothing to worry about.
Listens:
921
Who:
Wheatley
AHHHHHHHHH!
Listens:
921
Who:
Turret
Yes Mr. Johnson
Listens:
920
Who:
Caroline
Nobody cares, four eyes.
Listens:
916
Who:
Core 2
Corrupted core, are you ready to start the procedure?
Listens:
911
Who:
Announcer
You really aren't getting tired of that, are you?
Listens:
910
Who:
GLaDOS
*cough* Button. Button.
Listens:
909
Who:
Wheatley
Thank you - I can't believe I'm thanking these people - for staggering your way through Aperture Science's propulsion gel testing. You've made some real contributions to society for a change, and for that, humanity is grateful.
Listens:
904
Who:
Cave Johnson
Hey hey hey hey hey!
Listens:
904
Who:
Core 1
Error. Error. Error. File not found.
Listens:
904
Who:
Core 3
If cube- and button-based testing caused this emergency, don't worry. The odds of this happening twice are very slim.
Listens:
903
Who:
Announcer
Oh, I like this guy.
Listens:
903
Who:
GLaDOS
You should see yourselves right now.
Listens:
902
Who:
GLaDOS
Just hang in there for five more - What? Jerry, you can't fire me for that! Yes, JERRY -- OR, maybe your prejudiced worksite should have accommodated a nanobot of my size. Thanks for the hate crime, Jer!
Listens:
902
Who:
Wheatley
Wanna go home wanna go home wanna go home wanna go home.
Listens:
901
Who:
Core 1
Mr. Johnson...
Listens:
899
Who:
Caroline
Press it! Press the button!
Listens:
898
Who:
GLaDOS
New template accepted.
Listens:
897
Who:
Announcer
Oh, look. There's a deer! You probably can't see it. Get closer.
Listens:
896
Who:
GLaDOS
Dreams are the subconscious mind's way of reminding people to go to school naked and have their teeth fall out.
Listens:
894
Who:
Core 3
Sir, the test.
Listens:
892
Who:
Caroline
Can't. See. A. Thing.
Listens:
892
Who:
Defective Turret
Space!
Listens:
891
Who:
Core 1
Press the button!
Listens:
891
Who:
GLaDOS
Good news. I figured out what to do with all the money I save recycling your one roomful of air. When you die, I'm going to laminate your skeleton and pose you in the lobby. That way future generations can learn from you how not to have your unfortunate bone structure.
Listens:
891
Who:
GLaDOS
Sir!
Listens:
889
Who:
Caroline
If you're dying, but not dead, stomp once. If you're dead, obviously no stomps. And two stomps if you're not dead. Lemme just run through that again: If you're dying but not dead stomp just once. If you're dead, obviously you won't be stomping. And if you're not dead, give me two stomps.
Listens:
888
Who:
Wheatley
Good news: that is NOT a docking station. So there's one mystery solved. I'm going to attempt a manual override on this wall. Could get a bit technical! Hold on!
Listens:
886
Who:
Wheatley
Alright. Paradox time.
Listens:
885
Who:
GLaDOS
Oops. You trapped yourself. I guess that's it then. Thanks for testing. You may as well lie down and get acclimated to the being dead position.
Listens:
885
Who:
GLaDOS
00:00 / 00:00
Test Player
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