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[computer gibberish]
Listens:
1156
Who:
GLaDOS
(excited gasps)
Listens:
1155
Who:
Core 1
Say one useful thing. One. I dare you. I will give you a hundred dollars if you say one thing remotely applicable to anything at all.
Listens:
1154
Who:
Core 2
*I* have to go to the wing that was made entirely of glass and pick up fifteen acres of broken glass. By myself.
Listens:
1152
Who:
GLaDOS
Contrary to popular belief, the Eskimo does not have one hundred different words for snow. They do, however, have two hundred and thirty-four words for fudge.
Listens:
1150
Who:
Core 3
I was going to kill you fast. With bullets. Or neurotoxin. But if you're going to pull stunts like this, it doesn't have to be fast. So you know. I'll take my time.
Listens:
1149
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh shut up!
Listens:
1147
Who:
Core 2
Aw... hates Mondays.
Listens:
1145
Who:
GLaDOS
That said, I would really appreciate it if you could test as fast as possible. Caroline, please bring me more pain pills.
Listens:
1140
Who:
Cave Johnson
Uh oh. You're stranded. Let's see if the cube will try to help you escape. Actually, so that we're not here all day, I'll just cut to the chase: It won't. Any feelings you think it has for you are simply byproducts of your sad, empty life.
Listens:
1140
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh. Sorry. I was just thinking of all the ways humans can die.
Listens:
1138
Who:
GLaDOS
The likelihood of you dying within the next five minutes is eighty-seven point six one percent.
Listens:
1133
Who:
Core 3
If you're hearing this, it means you're taking a long time on the catwalks between tests. The lab boys say that might be a fear reaction.
Listens:
1129
Who:
Cave Johnson
At the time of this recording, Federal disclosure policies require us to inform you that this next test is probably lethal and to redirect you to a safer test environment.
Listens:
1128
Who:
Announcer
Hey lady.
Listens:
1126
Who:
Core 1
In case you're interested, there's still some positions available for that bonus opportunity I mentioned earlier. Again: all you gotta do is let us disassemble you. We're not banging rocks together here. We know how to put a man back together.
Listens:
1124
Who:
Cave Johnson
The likelihood of you dying violently within the next five minutes is eighty-seven point six one percent.
Listens:
1124
Who:
Core 3
Don't listen to her! It IS true that you don't have the qualifications. But you've got something more important than that. A finger, with which to press that button, so that she won't kill us.
Listens:
1124
Who:
Wheatley
Congratulations! The simple fact that you're standing here listening to me means you've made a glorious contribution to science.
Listens:
1123
Who:
Cave Johnson
If you feel liquid running down your neck, relax, lie on your back, and apply immediate pressure to your temples.
Listens:
1122
Who:
Announcer
If you're interested in an additional sixty dollars, flag down a test associate and let 'em know. You could walk out of here with a hundred and twenty weighing down your bindle if you let us take you apart, put some science stuff in you, then put you back together good as new.
Listens:
1122
Who:
Cave Johnson
Hey, hold on now WHOA WHOA WHOA!
Listens:
1119
Who:
Defective Turret
Again, those are science collaboration points, which you should not confuse with points from competitions such as Who-Gets-To-Live-At-The-End-And-Who-Doesn’t. I mean basketball.
Listens:
1117
Who:
GLaDOS
What, are you fighting that guy? You got that under control? You know, because, looks like there's a lot of stuff on fire...
Listens:
1113
Who:
Core 2
Unknown error
Listens:
1108
Who:
Turret
Look, an eclipse! No. Don't look.
Listens:
1104
Who:
Core 1
You know, in the end, yes, they let me go. It's all politics, to be honest. It's a big popularity contest, it's all about who you know, and whose back you're willing to scratch, who doesn't touch -- or, in my case, who did accidentally touch -- the neurotoxin button.
Listens:
1103
Who:
Wheatley
Hey, a countdown clock! Man, that is trouble. Situation's looking pretty ugly. For such a beautiful woman. If you don't mind me saying.
Listens:
1100
Who:
Core 2
The end.
Listens:
1091
Who:
GLaDOS
Hell, put her in my computer. I don't care.
Listens:
1086
Who:
Cave Johnson
Yes sir, Mister Johnson.
Listens:
1085
Who:
Caroline
Space space space. Going. Going there. Okay. I love you, space.
Listens:
1084
Who:
Core 1
As you can see, in my version the man points out to the cat that the house is equipped with deadly neurotoxin dispensers.
Listens:
1084
Who:
GLaDOS
At which point the cat reflects on the time he ate all of the man's lasagna and feels remorse.
Listens:
1079
Who:
GLaDOS
Alright, can't blame me for trying. Okay... New tests, new tests... there's gotta be some tests around here somewhere.
Listens:
1078
Who:
Wheatley
Ah!
Listens:
1077
Who:
Core 1
You know, deleting Caroline just now taught me a valuable lesson. The best solution to a problem is usually the easiest one. And I'll be honest.
Listens:
1073
Who:
GLaDOS
What do you think?
Listens:
1073
Who:
Wheatley
Without the looming consequence of death, is this even science?
Listens:
1072
Who:
GLaDOS
Well. This is the part where he kills us.
Listens:
1070
Who:
GLaDOS
For this next test, we put nanoparticles in the gel. In layman's terms, that's a billion little gizmos that are gonna travel into your bloodstream and pump experimental genes and RNA molecules and so forth into your tumors.
Listens:
1066
Who:
Cave Johnson
Yes, alright, okay. This is getting tiresome. I'm surprised you haven't got anything better to do. I know I have. You've proven you can break screens. Proven. Factual. Well done. Good. Aren't you little miss clever. Little miss smashy-smash.
Listens:
1063
Who:
Wheatley
Okay. I guess emotional outbursts require more than one point six volts. Now we know that. We just need to relax. We're still going to find out what the hell's going on here. But calmly.
Listens:
1061
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello there!
Listens:
1061
Who:
Defective Turret
Turret redemption lines active.
Listens:
1059
Who:
Announcer
And... forty potato batteries. Embarrassing. I realize they’re children. Still: low hanging fruit. Barely science, really.
Listens:
1055
Who:
Wheatley
I wouldn't have warned you about this before, back when we hated each other. But those turrets are firing real bullets. So look out. I'd hate for something tragic to happen to you before I extract all your bone marrow.
Listens:
1052
Who:
GLaDOS
Do hear that? That's the sound of the neurotoxin emitters emitting neurotoxin.
Listens:
1050
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh, that felt really good.
Listens:
1050
Who:
Wheatley
You know what, this plan is so good, I'm going to give you a sporting chance and turn off the neurotoxin. I'm joking. Of course. Goodbye.
Listens:
1048
Who:
Wheatley
Hey! It's me!
Listens:
1048
Who:
Turret
Why did I just-Who is that? What the HELL is going on he----?
Listens:
1047
Who:
GLaDOS
Enough! I told you not to put these cores on me. But you don't listen, do you? Quiet. All the time. Quietly not listening to a word I say. Judging me. Silently. The worst kind.
Listens:
1042
Who:
Wheatley
I honestly, TRULY didn't think you'd fall for that.
Listens:
1041
Who:
GLaDOS
That's funny, I don't feel corrupt. In fact, I feel pretty good.
Listens:
1039
Who:
GLaDOS
Nooooooooo...
Listens:
1037
Who:
Defective Turret
Oh oh oh oh. Wait wait. Wait I know. I know. I know wait. Space.
Listens:
1035
Who:
Core 1
Hello? Can you--can you pick me up, please?
Listens:
1032
Who:
Wheatley
Killing you? Is hard.
Listens:
1031
Who:
GLaDOS
[sound of pages turning] Oh, sorry. Hope that didn't disturb you just then. It was the sound of books. Pages being turned.
Listens:
1029
Who:
Wheatley
Die!
Listens:
1024
Who:
Defective Turret
Good. Now please return to your bed.
Listens:
1021
Who:
Announcer
Ahhh... Wha- What happened?
Listens:
1018
Who:
Wheatley
Oh there goes another one. They're not Inexpensive. I'd just like to point that out. It seems unfair to smash screens. You could give them to people. Instead of smashing them, unscrew them and give them to a homeless person. I don't know what a homeless person would do with one. But you get my point. And you can't unscrew them, they're bolted in. But - just stop it!
Listens:
1018
Who:
Wheatley
Alternate core detected.
Listens:
1017
Who:
Announcer
Oh I know! I know I know I know I know I know - let's go to space!
Listens:
1003
Who:
Core 1
I give you a score of 3.4 for style and 10 for being annoying.
Listens:
1001
Who:
GLaDOS
Now than, let's see what we got here. Ah! 'Reactor Core Emergency Heat Venting Protocols.' That's the problem right there, isn't it? 'Emergency'. You don't want to see 'emergency' flashing at you. Never good that, is it? Right. DELETE.
Listens:
1001
Who:
Wheatley
We're so close! Go press the button!
Listens:
999
Who:
GLaDOS
Look - metal ball, I CAN hear you.
Listens:
984
Who:
GLaDOS
Wanna go home wanna go home wanna go home wanna go home.
Listens:
982
Who:
Core 1
AHHHHHHHHH!
Listens:
982
Who:
Turret
Now your fat eyes have seen everything.
Listens:
980
Who:
GLaDOS
Error. Error. Error. Fact not found.
Listens:
974
Who:
Core 3
Blah.
Listens:
974
Who:
GLaDOS
Very impressive! Because this message is prerecorded, any comments we may make about your success are speculation on our part. Please disregard any undeserved compliments.
Listens:
973
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello? Can y--no?
Listens:
973
Who:
Wheatley
Yes Mr. Johnson
Listens:
964
Who:
Caroline
Hah! It bloody worked! I hacked it! Hacked. Properly. Properly hacked. Ha ha ha!
Listens:
964
Who:
Wheatley
I HAVE to test. All the time. Or I get this... this ITCH. It must be hardwired into the system or something.
Listens:
959
Who:
Wheatley
So twisty you might even call it spinning. MOO HOO HA HA HA Ignore the laughter. Nothing to worry about.
Listens:
957
Who:
Wheatley
Sorry, are you still there? Could you--could you pick me up?
Listens:
955
Who:
Wheatley
Get dirty with this robot! This robot owes you money! This robot owes! You! Money!
Listens:
951
Who:
Core 2
Cellular phones will not give you cancer. Only hepatitis.
Listens:
949
Who:
Core 3
*cough* Button. Button.
Listens:
947
Who:
Wheatley
If cube- and button-based testing caused this emergency, don't worry. The odds of this happening twice are very slim.
Listens:
945
Who:
Announcer
Thank you - I can't believe I'm thanking these people - for staggering your way through Aperture Science's propulsion gel testing. You've made some real contributions to society for a change, and for that, humanity is grateful.
Listens:
944
Who:
Cave Johnson
Hey hey hey hey hey!
Listens:
943
Who:
Core 1
The plural of surgeon general is surgeons general. The past tense of surgeons general is surgeonsed general.
Listens:
942
Who:
Core 3
Corrupted core, are you ready to start the procedure?
Listens:
939
Who:
Announcer
Just hang in there for five more - What? Jerry, you can't fire me for that! Yes, JERRY -- OR, maybe your prejudiced worksite should have accommodated a nanobot of my size. Thanks for the hate crime, Jer!
Listens:
939
Who:
Wheatley
Space!
Listens:
938
Who:
Core 1
Error. Error. Error. File not found.
Listens:
937
Who:
Core 3
You really aren't getting tired of that, are you?
Listens:
937
Who:
GLaDOS
Can't. See. A. Thing.
Listens:
937
Who:
Defective Turret
Sir, the test.
Listens:
936
Who:
Caroline
You should see yourselves right now.
Listens:
936
Who:
GLaDOS
Mr. Johnson...
Listens:
933
Who:
Caroline
Dreams are the subconscious mind's way of reminding people to go to school naked and have their teeth fall out.
Listens:
932
Who:
Core 3
Oh, I like this guy.
Listens:
931
Who:
GLaDOS
00:00 / 00:00
Test Player
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