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Portal 2
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I don't want to scare you, but, I'm an Adventure Sphere. Designed for danger. So, why don't you go ahead and have yourself a little lady break, and I'll just take it from here.
Listens:
1287
Who:
Core 2
In 1948, at the request of a dying boy, baseball legend Babe Ruth ate seventy-five hot dogs, then died of hot dog poisoning.
Listens:
1284
Who:
Core 3
*I* have to go to the wing that was made entirely of glass and pick up fifteen acres of broken glass. By myself.
Listens:
1283
Who:
GLaDOS
Anyway, new turrets. Not defective. Ace of fours. The best hand. Unbeatable, I imagine.
Listens:
1280
Who:
Wheatley
Hell, put her in my computer. I don't care.
Listens:
1277
Who:
Cave Johnson
I was going to kill you fast. With bullets. Or neurotoxin. But if you're going to pull stunts like this, it doesn't have to be fast. So you know. I'll take my time.
Listens:
1275
Who:
GLaDOS
The end.
Listens:
1274
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh shut up!
Listens:
1271
Who:
Core 2
Ohh. You're gonna laugh at this. You know how I said there was absolutely no way to get here without going through her lair and her potentially killing us? Could have gone through here. [laughs] My fault. Bit of luck for us that she wasn't switched on.
Listens:
1271
Who:
Wheatley
Hey! It's me!
Listens:
1271
Who:
Turret
Uh oh. You're stranded. Let's see if the cube will try to help you escape. Actually, so that we're not here all day, I'll just cut to the chase: It won't. Any feelings you think it has for you are simply byproducts of your sad, empty life.
Listens:
1269
Who:
GLaDOS
So I've been thinking: We need humans for these tests. And since the only human within a thousand miles of us is a test-ruining sociopath... I'll just have to MAKE some.
Listens:
1268
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello there!
Listens:
1266
Who:
Defective Turret
Oh. Sorry. I was just thinking of all the ways humans can die.
Listens:
1265
Who:
GLaDOS
Ah!
Listens:
1259
Who:
Core 1
Congratulations! The simple fact that you're standing here listening to me means you've made a glorious contribution to science.
Listens:
1258
Who:
Cave Johnson
During the Great Depression, the Tennessee Valley Authority outlawed pet rabbits, forcing many to hot glue-gun long ears onto their pet mice.
Listens:
1257
Who:
Core 3
The likelihood of you dying within the next five minutes is eighty-seven point six one percent.
Listens:
1255
Who:
Core 3
Yes sir, Mister Johnson.
Listens:
1251
Who:
Caroline
If you're interested in an additional sixty dollars, flag down a test associate and let 'em know. You could walk out of here with a hundred and twenty weighing down your bindle if you let us take you apart, put some science stuff in you, then put you back together good as new.
Listens:
1249
Who:
Cave Johnson
Look, an eclipse! No. Don't look.
Listens:
1249
Who:
Core 1
Hey lady.
Listens:
1249
Who:
Core 1
At the time of this recording, Federal disclosure policies require us to inform you that this next test is probably lethal and to redirect you to a safer test environment.
Listens:
1245
Who:
Announcer
If you feel liquid running down your neck, relax, lie on your back, and apply immediate pressure to your temples.
Listens:
1243
Who:
Announcer
Well. This is the part where he kills us.
Listens:
1241
Who:
GLaDOS
Blah.
Listens:
1238
Who:
GLaDOS
If you're hearing this, it means you're taking a long time on the catwalks between tests. The lab boys say that might be a fear reaction.
Listens:
1236
Who:
Cave Johnson
As you can see, in my version the man points out to the cat that the house is equipped with deadly neurotoxin dispensers.
Listens:
1236
Who:
GLaDOS
Say one useful thing. One. I dare you. I will give you a hundred dollars if you say one thing remotely applicable to anything at all.
Listens:
1233
Who:
Core 2
You're not going to believe this. I found a sealed off wing. Hundreds - HUNDREDS! - of perfectly good test chambers. Just sitting there. Filled with skeletons. Shook them out. Good as new!
Listens:
1228
Who:
Wheatley
The likelihood of you dying violently within the next five minutes is eighty-seven point six one percent.
Listens:
1224
Who:
Core 3
Contrary to popular belief, the Eskimo does not have one hundred different words for snow. They do, however, have two hundred and thirty-four words for fudge.
Listens:
1215
Who:
Core 3
That's funny, I don't feel corrupt. In fact, I feel pretty good.
Listens:
1215
Who:
GLaDOS
Don't listen to her! It IS true that you don't have the qualifications. But you've got something more important than that. A finger, with which to press that button, so that she won't kill us.
Listens:
1214
Who:
Wheatley
Again, those are science collaboration points, which you should not confuse with points from competitions such as Who-Gets-To-Live-At-The-End-And-Who-Doesn’t. I mean basketball.
Listens:
1212
Who:
GLaDOS
Why did I just-Who is that? What the HELL is going on he----?
Listens:
1212
Who:
GLaDOS
You know, deleting Caroline just now taught me a valuable lesson. The best solution to a problem is usually the easiest one. And I'll be honest.
Listens:
1211
Who:
GLaDOS
Nooooooooo...
Listens:
1211
Who:
Defective Turret
Die!
Listens:
1210
Who:
Defective Turret
Space space space. Going. Going there. Okay. I love you, space.
Listens:
1206
Who:
Core 1
You know what, this plan is so good, I'm going to give you a sporting chance and turn off the neurotoxin. I'm joking. Of course. Goodbye.
Listens:
1204
Who:
Wheatley
At which point the cat reflects on the time he ate all of the man's lasagna and feels remorse.
Listens:
1203
Who:
GLaDOS
AHHHHHHHHH!
Listens:
1201
Who:
Turret
Do hear that? That's the sound of the neurotoxin emitters emitting neurotoxin.
Listens:
1197
Who:
GLaDOS
Alright, can't blame me for trying. Okay... New tests, new tests... there's gotta be some tests around here somewhere.
Listens:
1195
Who:
Wheatley
Turret redemption lines active.
Listens:
1192
Who:
Announcer
Good. Now please return to your bed.
Listens:
1189
Who:
Announcer
What, are you fighting that guy? You got that under control? You know, because, looks like there's a lot of stuff on fire...
Listens:
1188
Who:
Core 2
For this next test, we put nanoparticles in the gel. In layman's terms, that's a billion little gizmos that are gonna travel into your bloodstream and pump experimental genes and RNA molecules and so forth into your tumors.
Listens:
1187
Who:
Cave Johnson
I honestly, TRULY didn't think you'd fall for that.
Listens:
1186
Who:
GLaDOS
Alternate core detected.
Listens:
1179
Who:
Announcer
I wouldn't have warned you about this before, back when we hated each other. But those turrets are firing real bullets. So look out. I'd hate for something tragic to happen to you before I extract all your bone marrow.
Listens:
1177
Who:
GLaDOS
You know, in the end, yes, they let me go. It's all politics, to be honest. It's a big popularity contest, it's all about who you know, and whose back you're willing to scratch, who doesn't touch -- or, in my case, who did accidentally touch -- the neurotoxin button.
Listens:
1175
Who:
Wheatley
Hey, a countdown clock! Man, that is trouble. Situation's looking pretty ugly. For such a beautiful woman. If you don't mind me saying.
Listens:
1168
Who:
Core 2
Oh, that felt really good.
Listens:
1157
Who:
Wheatley
Without the looming consequence of death, is this even science?
Listens:
1156
Who:
GLaDOS
Ahhh... Wha- What happened?
Listens:
1154
Who:
Wheatley
And... forty potato batteries. Embarrassing. I realize they’re children. Still: low hanging fruit. Barely science, really.
Listens:
1154
Who:
Wheatley
Oh oh oh oh. Wait wait. Wait I know. I know. I know wait. Space.
Listens:
1151
Who:
Core 1
Killing you? Is hard.
Listens:
1150
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello? Can you--can you pick me up, please?
Listens:
1150
Who:
Wheatley
Enough! I told you not to put these cores on me. But you don't listen, do you? Quiet. All the time. Quietly not listening to a word I say. Judging me. Silently. The worst kind.
Listens:
1149
Who:
Wheatley
Okay. I guess emotional outbursts require more than one point six volts. Now we know that. We just need to relax. We're still going to find out what the hell's going on here. But calmly.
Listens:
1142
Who:
GLaDOS
What do you think?
Listens:
1141
Who:
Wheatley
Yes Mr. Johnson
Listens:
1122
Who:
Caroline
We're so close! Go press the button!
Listens:
1121
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh I know! I know I know I know I know I know - let's go to space!
Listens:
1120
Who:
Core 1
Yes, alright, okay. This is getting tiresome. I'm surprised you haven't got anything better to do. I know I have. You've proven you can break screens. Proven. Factual. Well done. Good. Aren't you little miss clever. Little miss smashy-smash.
Listens:
1119
Who:
Wheatley
Hello? Can y--no?
Listens:
1119
Who:
Wheatley
Oh there goes another one. They're not Inexpensive. I'd just like to point that out. It seems unfair to smash screens. You could give them to people. Instead of smashing them, unscrew them and give them to a homeless person. I don't know what a homeless person would do with one. But you get my point. And you can't unscrew them, they're bolted in. But - just stop it!
Listens:
1115
Who:
Wheatley
[sound of pages turning] Oh, sorry. Hope that didn't disturb you just then. It was the sound of books. Pages being turned.
Listens:
1112
Who:
Wheatley
Now your fat eyes have seen everything.
Listens:
1111
Who:
GLaDOS
[sigh] Don't tell anyone about this.
Listens:
1109
Who:
Defective Turret
I give you a score of 3.4 for style and 10 for being annoying.
Listens:
1107
Who:
GLaDOS
Wanna go home wanna go home wanna go home wanna go home.
Listens:
1104
Who:
Core 1
Look - metal ball, I CAN hear you.
Listens:
1102
Who:
GLaDOS
Now than, let's see what we got here. Ah! 'Reactor Core Emergency Heat Venting Protocols.' That's the problem right there, isn't it? 'Emergency'. You don't want to see 'emergency' flashing at you. Never good that, is it? Right. DELETE.
Listens:
1101
Who:
Wheatley
Mr. Johnson...
Listens:
1099
Who:
Caroline
Owwwww!
Listens:
1098
Who:
Turret
Blah.
Listens:
1094
Who:
GLaDOS
Oops. You trapped yourself. I guess that's it then. Thanks for testing. You may as well lie down and get acclimated to the being dead position.
Listens:
1094
Who:
GLaDOS
Sir, the test.
Listens:
1093
Who:
Caroline
Can't. See. A. Thing.
Listens:
1092
Who:
Defective Turret
You really aren't getting tired of that, are you?
Listens:
1089
Who:
GLaDOS
I am!
Listens:
1088
Who:
Caroline
Very impressive! Because this message is prerecorded, any comments we may make about your success are speculation on our part. Please disregard any undeserved compliments.
Listens:
1088
Who:
GLaDOS
Test chamber completed. In the interest of - [FADES OUT] [FADES IN] I am now talking to you privately. Do not tell your teammate. Just between you and me? You're doing very well. [FADES BACK IN] One hundred and seven.
Listens:
1086
Who:
GLaDOS
Sentry mode activated
Listens:
1083
Who:
Turret
Corrupted core, are you ready to start the procedure?
Listens:
1082
Who:
Announcer
If cube- and button-based testing caused this emergency, don't worry. The odds of this happening twice are very slim.
Listens:
1082
Who:
Announcer
New template accepted.
Listens:
1076
Who:
Announcer
Space!
Listens:
1074
Who:
Core 1
Sir!
Listens:
1072
Who:
Caroline
*cough* Button. Button.
Listens:
1071
Who:
Wheatley
Error. Error. Error. Fact not found.
Listens:
1069
Who:
Core 3
You should see yourselves right now.
Listens:
1068
Who:
GLaDOS
Good news. I figured out what to do with all the money I save recycling your one roomful of air. When you die, I'm going to laminate your skeleton and pose you in the lobby. That way future generations can learn from you how not to have your unfortunate bone structure.
Listens:
1067
Who:
GLaDOS
Press the button!
Listens:
1064
Who:
GLaDOS
Thank you - I can't believe I'm thanking these people - for staggering your way through Aperture Science's propulsion gel testing. You've made some real contributions to society for a change, and for that, humanity is grateful.
Listens:
1062
Who:
Cave Johnson
Blah.
Listens:
1062
Who:
GLaDOS
00:00 / 00:00
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