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Portal 2
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In case you're interested, there's still some positions available for that bonus opportunity I mentioned earlier. Again: all you gotta do is let us disassemble you. We're not banging rocks together here. We know how to put a man back together.
Listens:
1409
Who:
Cave Johnson
Blah.
Listens:
1409
Who:
GLaDOS
The scientists were always hanging cores on me to regulate my behavior. I've heard voices all my life. But now I hear the voice of a conscience, and it's terrifying, because for the first time it's my voice.
Listens:
1407
Who:
GLaDOS
And whose fault do you think it's going to be when the management comes down here and finds ten thousand flipping vegetables?
Listens:
1402
Who:
Wheatley
The likelihood of you dying within the next five minutes is eighty-seven point six one percent.
Listens:
1400
Who:
Core 3
Did my hint help? It did, didn't it? You know, if any of our supervisors had been immune to neurotoxin, they'd be FURIOUS with us right now.
Listens:
1394
Who:
GLaDOS
In 1948, at the request of a dying boy, baseball legend Babe Ruth ate seventy-five hot dogs, then died of hot dog poisoning.
Listens:
1392
Who:
Core 3
I was going to kill you fast. With bullets. Or neurotoxin. But if you're going to pull stunts like this, it doesn't have to be fast. So you know. I'll take my time.
Listens:
1391
Who:
GLaDOS
*I* have to go to the wing that was made entirely of glass and pick up fifteen acres of broken glass. By myself.
Listens:
1391
Who:
GLaDOS
Anyway, new turrets. Not defective. Ace of fours. The best hand. Unbeatable, I imagine.
Listens:
1391
Who:
Wheatley
Aw... hates Mondays.
Listens:
1390
Who:
GLaDOS
If you're interested in an additional sixty dollars, flag down a test associate and let 'em know. You could walk out of here with a hundred and twenty weighing down your bindle if you let us take you apart, put some science stuff in you, then put you back together good as new.
Listens:
1384
Who:
Cave Johnson
Oh my god. What has he done to this place?
Listens:
1384
Who:
GLaDOS
During the Great Depression, the Tennessee Valley Authority outlawed pet rabbits, forcing many to hot glue-gun long ears onto their pet mice.
Listens:
1379
Who:
Core 3
That's funny, I don't feel corrupt. In fact, I feel pretty good.
Listens:
1379
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh. Sorry. I was just thinking of all the ways humans can die.
Listens:
1379
Who:
GLaDOS
AHHHHHHHHH!
Listens:
1379
Who:
Turret
Yes sir, Mister Johnson.
Listens:
1375
Who:
Caroline
I honestly, TRULY didn't think you'd fall for that.
Listens:
1375
Who:
GLaDOS
Still a work in progress, don't judge me yet. Eventually I'd like to get them to sort of shoot fire at you, moments before crushing you. That's what I'm aiming for. But you know, small steps.
Listens:
1374
Who:
Wheatley
If you're hearing this, it means you're taking a long time on the catwalks between tests. The lab boys say that might be a fear reaction.
Listens:
1373
Who:
Cave Johnson
Congratulations! The simple fact that you're standing here listening to me means you've made a glorious contribution to science.
Listens:
1369
Who:
Cave Johnson
Well. This is the part where he kills us.
Listens:
1369
Who:
GLaDOS
Ohh. You're gonna laugh at this. You know how I said there was absolutely no way to get here without going through her lair and her potentially killing us? Could have gone through here. [laughs] My fault. Bit of luck for us that she wasn't switched on.
Listens:
1367
Who:
Wheatley
You know, deleting Caroline just now taught me a valuable lesson. The best solution to a problem is usually the easiest one. And I'll be honest.
Listens:
1366
Who:
GLaDOS
Look, an eclipse! No. Don't look.
Listens:
1364
Who:
Core 1
I don't want to scare you, but, I'm an Adventure Sphere. Designed for danger. So, why don't you go ahead and have yourself a little lady break, and I'll just take it from here.
Listens:
1364
Who:
Core 2
You look great, by the way. Very healthy.
Listens:
1363
Who:
GLaDOS
If you feel liquid running down your neck, relax, lie on your back, and apply immediate pressure to your temples.
Listens:
1361
Who:
Announcer
So I've been thinking: We need humans for these tests. And since the only human within a thousand miles of us is a test-ruining sociopath... I'll just have to MAKE some.
Listens:
1359
Who:
GLaDOS
Hey lady.
Listens:
1357
Who:
Core 1
Nooooooooo...
Listens:
1355
Who:
Defective Turret
As you can see, in my version the man points out to the cat that the house is equipped with deadly neurotoxin dispensers.
Listens:
1352
Who:
GLaDOS
You know what, this plan is so good, I'm going to give you a sporting chance and turn off the neurotoxin. I'm joking. Of course. Goodbye.
Listens:
1344
Who:
Wheatley
Sentry mode activated
Listens:
1338
Who:
Turret
Why did I just-Who is that? What the HELL is going on he----?
Listens:
1336
Who:
GLaDOS
Good. Now please return to your bed.
Listens:
1329
Who:
Announcer
At the time of this recording, Federal disclosure policies require us to inform you that this next test is probably lethal and to redirect you to a safer test environment.
Listens:
1328
Who:
Announcer
Turret redemption lines active.
Listens:
1327
Who:
Announcer
Contrary to popular belief, the Eskimo does not have one hundred different words for snow. They do, however, have two hundred and thirty-four words for fudge.
Listens:
1323
Who:
Core 3
Alternate core detected.
Listens:
1321
Who:
Announcer
The likelihood of you dying violently within the next five minutes is eighty-seven point six one percent.
Listens:
1320
Who:
Core 3
Alright, can't blame me for trying. Okay... New tests, new tests... there's gotta be some tests around here somewhere.
Listens:
1319
Who:
Wheatley
Say one useful thing. One. I dare you. I will give you a hundred dollars if you say one thing remotely applicable to anything at all.
Listens:
1306
Who:
Core 2
At which point the cat reflects on the time he ate all of the man's lasagna and feels remorse.
Listens:
1298
Who:
GLaDOS
Space space space. Going. Going there. Okay. I love you, space.
Listens:
1296
Who:
Core 1
Again, those are science collaboration points, which you should not confuse with points from competitions such as Who-Gets-To-Live-At-The-End-And-Who-Doesn’t. I mean basketball.
Listens:
1295
Who:
GLaDOS
Killing you? Is hard.
Listens:
1285
Who:
GLaDOS
You're not going to believe this. I found a sealed off wing. Hundreds - HUNDREDS! - of perfectly good test chambers. Just sitting there. Filled with skeletons. Shook them out. Good as new!
Listens:
1282
Who:
Wheatley
Do hear that? That's the sound of the neurotoxin emitters emitting neurotoxin.
Listens:
1281
Who:
GLaDOS
For this next test, we put nanoparticles in the gel. In layman's terms, that's a billion little gizmos that are gonna travel into your bloodstream and pump experimental genes and RNA molecules and so forth into your tumors.
Listens:
1275
Who:
Cave Johnson
Blah.
Listens:
1272
Who:
GLaDOS
I wouldn't have warned you about this before, back when we hated each other. But those turrets are firing real bullets. So look out. I'd hate for something tragic to happen to you before I extract all your bone marrow.
Listens:
1272
Who:
GLaDOS
What, are you fighting that guy? You got that under control? You know, because, looks like there's a lot of stuff on fire...
Listens:
1271
Who:
Core 2
Don't listen to her! It IS true that you don't have the qualifications. But you've got something more important than that. A finger, with which to press that button, so that she won't kill us.
Listens:
1271
Who:
Wheatley
Ahhh... Wha- What happened?
Listens:
1259
Who:
Wheatley
Look - metal ball, I CAN hear you.
Listens:
1255
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello? Can you--can you pick me up, please?
Listens:
1251
Who:
Wheatley
Enough! I told you not to put these cores on me. But you don't listen, do you? Quiet. All the time. Quietly not listening to a word I say. Judging me. Silently. The worst kind.
Listens:
1249
Who:
Wheatley
And... forty potato batteries. Embarrassing. I realize they’re children. Still: low hanging fruit. Barely science, really.
Listens:
1248
Who:
Wheatley
Yes Mr. Johnson
Listens:
1243
Who:
Caroline
We're so close! Go press the button!
Listens:
1243
Who:
GLaDOS
You know, in the end, yes, they let me go. It's all politics, to be honest. It's a big popularity contest, it's all about who you know, and whose back you're willing to scratch, who doesn't touch -- or, in my case, who did accidentally touch -- the neurotoxin button.
Listens:
1243
Who:
Wheatley
Oh, that felt really good.
Listens:
1239
Who:
Wheatley
Without the looming consequence of death, is this even science?
Listens:
1237
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh oh oh oh. Wait wait. Wait I know. I know. I know wait. Space.
Listens:
1233
Who:
Core 1
Hello? Can y--no?
Listens:
1232
Who:
Wheatley
Hey, a countdown clock! Man, that is trouble. Situation's looking pretty ugly. For such a beautiful woman. If you don't mind me saying.
Listens:
1230
Who:
Core 2
Okay. I guess emotional outbursts require more than one point six volts. Now we know that. We just need to relax. We're still going to find out what the hell's going on here. But calmly.
Listens:
1230
Who:
GLaDOS
Owwwww!
Listens:
1227
Who:
Turret
If cube- and button-based testing caused this emergency, don't worry. The odds of this happening twice are very slim.
Listens:
1224
Who:
Announcer
Get dirty with this robot! This robot owes you money! This robot owes! You! Money!
Listens:
1224
Who:
Core 2
[sigh] Don't tell anyone about this.
Listens:
1222
Who:
Defective Turret
What do you think?
Listens:
1219
Who:
Wheatley
NNGH! It's not enough! If I'm such a moron, why can't you solve a simple test?
Listens:
1215
Who:
Wheatley
Corrupted core, are you ready to start the procedure?
Listens:
1214
Who:
Announcer
Oh, I like this guy.
Listens:
1214
Who:
GLaDOS
Now your fat eyes have seen everything.
Listens:
1214
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh I know! I know I know I know I know I know - let's go to space!
Listens:
1212
Who:
Core 1
Mr. Johnson...
Listens:
1209
Who:
Caroline
Now than, let's see what we got here. Ah! 'Reactor Core Emergency Heat Venting Protocols.' That's the problem right there, isn't it? 'Emergency'. You don't want to see 'emergency' flashing at you. Never good that, is it? Right. DELETE.
Listens:
1208
Who:
Wheatley
Sir, the test.
Listens:
1207
Who:
Caroline
Thank you - I can't believe I'm thanking these people - for staggering your way through Aperture Science's propulsion gel testing. You've made some real contributions to society for a change, and for that, humanity is grateful.
Listens:
1206
Who:
Cave Johnson
I am!
Listens:
1204
Who:
Caroline
I give you a score of 3.4 for style and 10 for being annoying.
Listens:
1202
Who:
GLaDOS
Can't. See. A. Thing.
Listens:
1202
Who:
Defective Turret
Ahh!
Listens:
1200
Who:
Turret
You really aren't getting tired of that, are you?
Listens:
1197
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh, this is just PERFECT!
Listens:
1194
Who:
Defective Turret
Yes, alright, okay. This is getting tiresome. I'm surprised you haven't got anything better to do. I know I have. You've proven you can break screens. Proven. Factual. Well done. Good. Aren't you little miss clever. Little miss smashy-smash.
Listens:
1193
Who:
Wheatley
Blah.
Listens:
1192
Who:
GLaDOS
Test chamber completed. In the interest of - [FADES OUT] [FADES IN] I am now talking to you privately. Do not tell your teammate. Just between you and me? You're doing very well. [FADES BACK IN] One hundred and seven.
Listens:
1191
Who:
GLaDOS
Um, hello?
Listens:
1191
Who:
Turret
New template accepted.
Listens:
1190
Who:
Announcer
Space!
Listens:
1188
Who:
Core 1
Oops. You trapped yourself. I guess that's it then. Thanks for testing. You may as well lie down and get acclimated to the being dead position.
Listens:
1188
Who:
GLaDOS
Sir!
Listens:
1187
Who:
Caroline
You should see yourselves right now.
Listens:
1187
Who:
GLaDOS
*cough* Button. Button.
Listens:
1187
Who:
Wheatley
[sound of pages turning] Oh, sorry. Hope that didn't disturb you just then. It was the sound of books. Pages being turned.
Listens:
1187
Who:
Wheatley
00:00 / 00:00
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