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Portal 2
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Portal 1 Music
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TF2 Music
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And whose fault do you think it's going to be when the management comes down here and finds ten thousand flipping vegetables?
Listens:
1060
Who:
Wheatley
If you feel liquid running down your neck, relax, lie on your back, and apply immediate pressure to your temples.
Listens:
1055
Who:
Announcer
If you're interested in an additional sixty dollars, flag down a test associate and let 'em know. You could walk out of here with a hundred and twenty weighing down your bindle if you let us take you apart, put some science stuff in you, then put you back together good as new.
Listens:
1052
Who:
Cave Johnson
At the time of this recording, Federal disclosure policies require us to inform you that this next test is probably lethal and to redirect you to a safer test environment.
Listens:
1050
Who:
Announcer
In case you're interested, there's still some positions available for that bonus opportunity I mentioned earlier. Again: all you gotta do is let us disassemble you. We're not banging rocks together here. We know how to put a man back together.
Listens:
1049
Who:
Cave Johnson
Congratulations! The simple fact that you're standing here listening to me means you've made a glorious contribution to science.
Listens:
1048
Who:
Cave Johnson
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
1048
Who:
GLaDOS
You know, in the end, yes, they let me go. It's all politics, to be honest. It's a big popularity contest, it's all about who you know, and whose back you're willing to scratch, who doesn't touch -- or, in my case, who did accidentally touch -- the neurotoxin button.
Listens:
1045
Who:
Wheatley
AHHHHHHH!
Listens:
1042
Who:
Wheatley
Oh. Sorry. I was just thinking of all the ways humans can die.
Listens:
1041
Who:
GLaDOS
Blah.
Listens:
1038
Who:
GLaDOS
5000 point penalty! Are you happy now?
Listens:
1033
Who:
GLaDOS
(excited gasps)
Listens:
1028
Who:
Core 1
What do you think?
Listens:
1027
Who:
Wheatley
Without the looming consequence of death, is this even science?
Listens:
1026
Who:
GLaDOS
Yes sir, Mister Johnson.
Listens:
1023
Who:
Caroline
Hell, put her in my computer. I don't care.
Listens:
1017
Who:
Cave Johnson
Okay. I guess emotional outbursts require more than one point six volts. Now we know that. We just need to relax. We're still going to find out what the hell's going on here. But calmly.
Listens:
1015
Who:
GLaDOS
Yes, alright, okay. This is getting tiresome. I'm surprised you haven't got anything better to do. I know I have. You've proven you can break screens. Proven. Factual. Well done. Good. Aren't you little miss clever. Little miss smashy-smash.
Listens:
1015
Who:
Wheatley
Look, an eclipse! No. Don't look.
Listens:
1011
Who:
Core 1
I wouldn't have warned you about this before, back when we hated each other. But those turrets are firing real bullets. So look out. I'd hate for something tragic to happen to you before I extract all your bone marrow.
Listens:
1011
Who:
GLaDOS
You know, deleting Caroline just now taught me a valuable lesson. The best solution to a problem is usually the easiest one. And I'll be honest.
Listens:
1004
Who:
GLaDOS
For this next test, we put nanoparticles in the gel. In layman's terms, that's a billion little gizmos that are gonna travel into your bloodstream and pump experimental genes and RNA molecules and so forth into your tumors.
Listens:
1002
Who:
Cave Johnson
Oh, that felt really good.
Listens:
1001
Who:
Wheatley
As you can see, in my version the man points out to the cat that the house is equipped with deadly neurotoxin dispensers.
Listens:
1000
Who:
GLaDOS
At which point the cat reflects on the time he ate all of the man's lasagna and feels remorse.
Listens:
1000
Who:
GLaDOS
Alright, can't blame me for trying. Okay... New tests, new tests... there's gotta be some tests around here somewhere.
Listens:
998
Who:
Wheatley
You know what, this plan is so good, I'm going to give you a sporting chance and turn off the neurotoxin. I'm joking. Of course. Goodbye.
Listens:
997
Who:
Wheatley
Do hear that? That's the sound of the neurotoxin emitters emitting neurotoxin.
Listens:
993
Who:
GLaDOS
Unknown error
Listens:
993
Who:
Turret
The end.
Listens:
991
Who:
GLaDOS
Well. This is the part where he kills us.
Listens:
991
Who:
GLaDOS
And... forty potato batteries. Embarrassing. I realize they’re children. Still: low hanging fruit. Barely science, really.
Listens:
991
Who:
Wheatley
Space space space. Going. Going there. Okay. I love you, space.
Listens:
989
Who:
Core 1
Hey, hold on now WHOA WHOA WHOA!
Listens:
987
Who:
Defective Turret
Enough! I told you not to put these cores on me. But you don't listen, do you? Quiet. All the time. Quietly not listening to a word I say. Judging me. Silently. The worst kind.
Listens:
976
Who:
Wheatley
That's funny, I don't feel corrupt. In fact, I feel pretty good.
Listens:
975
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh there goes another one. They're not Inexpensive. I'd just like to point that out. It seems unfair to smash screens. You could give them to people. Instead of smashing them, unscrew them and give them to a homeless person. I don't know what a homeless person would do with one. But you get my point. And you can't unscrew them, they're bolted in. But - just stop it!
Listens:
969
Who:
Wheatley
Oh oh oh oh. Wait wait. Wait I know. I know. I know wait. Space.
Listens:
968
Who:
Core 1
I honestly, TRULY didn't think you'd fall for that.
Listens:
964
Who:
GLaDOS
[sound of pages turning] Oh, sorry. Hope that didn't disturb you just then. It was the sound of books. Pages being turned.
Listens:
960
Who:
Wheatley
Hello? Can you--can you pick me up, please?
Listens:
955
Who:
Wheatley
Killing you? Is hard.
Listens:
950
Who:
GLaDOS
We're so close! Go press the button!
Listens:
950
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello there!
Listens:
944
Who:
Defective Turret
Hey! It's me!
Listens:
939
Who:
Turret
I give you a score of 3.4 for style and 10 for being annoying.
Listens:
937
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh I know! I know I know I know I know I know - let's go to space!
Listens:
934
Who:
Core 1
I HAVE to test. All the time. Or I get this... this ITCH. It must be hardwired into the system or something.
Listens:
930
Who:
Wheatley
Good. Now please return to your bed.
Listens:
929
Who:
Announcer
Turret redemption lines active.
Listens:
929
Who:
Announcer
Now your fat eyes have seen everything.
Listens:
927
Who:
GLaDOS
Very impressive! Because this message is prerecorded, any comments we may make about your success are speculation on our part. Please disregard any undeserved compliments.
Listens:
925
Who:
GLaDOS
Get dirty with this robot! This robot owes you money! This robot owes! You! Money!
Listens:
923
Who:
Core 2
Now than, let's see what we got here. Ah! 'Reactor Core Emergency Heat Venting Protocols.' That's the problem right there, isn't it? 'Emergency'. You don't want to see 'emergency' flashing at you. Never good that, is it? Right. DELETE.
Listens:
923
Who:
Wheatley
Alternate core detected.
Listens:
922
Who:
Announcer
Sorry, are you still there? Could you--could you pick me up?
Listens:
920
Who:
Wheatley
Ah!
Listens:
914
Who:
Core 1
Hah! It bloody worked! I hacked it! Hacked. Properly. Properly hacked. Ha ha ha!
Listens:
909
Who:
Wheatley
Blah.
Listens:
905
Who:
GLaDOS
Look - metal ball, I CAN hear you.
Listens:
904
Who:
GLaDOS
Error. Error. Error. Fact not found.
Listens:
903
Who:
Core 3
Nobody cares, four eyes.
Listens:
902
Who:
Core 2
So twisty you might even call it spinning. MOO HOO HA HA HA Ignore the laughter. Nothing to worry about.
Listens:
901
Who:
Wheatley
Nooooooooo...
Listens:
900
Who:
Defective Turret
Yes Mr. Johnson
Listens:
897
Who:
Caroline
Cellular phones will not give you cancer. Only hepatitis.
Listens:
895
Who:
Core 3
The plural of surgeon general is surgeons general. The past tense of surgeons general is surgeonsed general.
Listens:
891
Who:
Core 3
Hello? Can y--no?
Listens:
890
Who:
Wheatley
Failure...
Listens:
890
Who:
Turret
Why did I just-Who is that? What the HELL is going on he----?
Listens:
886
Who:
GLaDOS
Corrupted core, are you ready to start the procedure?
Listens:
883
Who:
Announcer
Die!
Listens:
883
Who:
Defective Turret
Hey hey hey hey hey!
Listens:
882
Who:
Core 1
Wanna go home wanna go home wanna go home wanna go home.
Listens:
882
Who:
Core 1
You really aren't getting tired of that, are you?
Listens:
879
Who:
GLaDOS
Press it! Press the button!
Listens:
878
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh, look. There's a deer! You probably can't see it. Get closer.
Listens:
877
Who:
GLaDOS
*cough* Button. Button.
Listens:
874
Who:
Wheatley
Oh, I like this guy.
Listens:
873
Who:
GLaDOS
Thank you - I can't believe I'm thanking these people - for staggering your way through Aperture Science's propulsion gel testing. You've made some real contributions to society for a change, and for that, humanity is grateful.
Listens:
872
Who:
Cave Johnson
You should see yourselves right now.
Listens:
872
Who:
GLaDOS
Mr. Johnson...
Listens:
871
Who:
Caroline
If you're dying, but not dead, stomp once. If you're dead, obviously no stomps. And two stomps if you're not dead. Lemme just run through that again: If you're dying but not dead stomp just once. If you're dead, obviously you won't be stomping. And if you're not dead, give me two stomps.
Listens:
871
Who:
Wheatley
Error. Error. Error. File not found.
Listens:
870
Who:
Core 3
Just hang in there for five more - What? Jerry, you can't fire me for that! Yes, JERRY -- OR, maybe your prejudiced worksite should have accommodated a nanobot of my size. Thanks for the hate crime, Jer!
Listens:
870
Who:
Wheatley
Good news. I figured out what to do with all the money I save recycling your one roomful of air. When you die, I'm going to laminate your skeleton and pose you in the lobby. That way future generations can learn from you how not to have your unfortunate bone structure.
Listens:
866
Who:
GLaDOS
If cube- and button-based testing caused this emergency, don't worry. The odds of this happening twice are very slim.
Listens:
865
Who:
Announcer
Press the button!
Listens:
865
Who:
GLaDOS
Sir, the test.
Listens:
864
Who:
Caroline
Good news: that is NOT a docking station. So there's one mystery solved. I'm going to attempt a manual override on this wall. Could get a bit technical! Hold on!
Listens:
863
Who:
Wheatley
New template accepted.
Listens:
861
Who:
Announcer
Sir!
Listens:
861
Who:
Caroline
Oh! You came back! Didn't actually plan... for that. Can't actually reset the death trap. So. Ah. Could you jump into that pit, there? Would you just jump into that pit for me?
Listens:
860
Who:
Wheatley
Dreams are the subconscious mind's way of reminding people to go to school naked and have their teeth fall out.
Listens:
859
Who:
Core 3
Do you know the biggest lesson I learned from what you did? I discovered I have a sort of black-box quick-save feature. In the event of a catastrophic failure, the last two minutes of my life are preserved for analysis.
Listens:
859
Who:
GLaDOS
I went and spoke with the door mainframe. Let's just say he won't be... well, living anymore. Anyway, back to testing.
Listens:
859
Who:
GLaDOS
Test chamber completed. In the interest of science, the Enrichment Center proudly presents the following list of numbers: Nine. Seven. Fifty. Three. Seven hundred and seven.
Listens:
858
Who:
GLaDOS
Oops. You trapped yourself. I guess that's it then. Thanks for testing. You may as well lie down and get acclimated to the being dead position.
Listens:
858
Who:
GLaDOS
Well, I'm back. The Aerial Faith Plate in here is sending a distress signal.
Listens:
858
Who:
GLaDOS
00:00 / 00:00
Test Player
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