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Portal 2
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There's a star. There's another one. Star. Star star star. Star.
Listens:
1250
Who:
Core 1
Oh shut up!
Listens:
1248
Who:
Core 2
Anyway, new turrets. Not defective. Ace of fours. The best hand. Unbeatable, I imagine.
Listens:
1248
Who:
Wheatley
Hey, hold on now WHOA WHOA WHOA!
Listens:
1247
Who:
Defective Turret
Ohh. You're gonna laugh at this. You know how I said there was absolutely no way to get here without going through her lair and her potentially killing us? Could have gone through here. [laughs] My fault. Bit of luck for us that she wasn't switched on.
Listens:
1246
Who:
Wheatley
I was going to kill you fast. With bullets. Or neurotoxin. But if you're going to pull stunts like this, it doesn't have to be fast. So you know. I'll take my time.
Listens:
1238
Who:
GLaDOS
So I've been thinking: We need humans for these tests. And since the only human within a thousand miles of us is a test-ruining sociopath... I'll just have to MAKE some.
Listens:
1237
Who:
GLaDOS
Hell, put her in my computer. I don't care.
Listens:
1235
Who:
Cave Johnson
During the Great Depression, the Tennessee Valley Authority outlawed pet rabbits, forcing many to hot glue-gun long ears onto their pet mice.
Listens:
1235
Who:
Core 3
Uh oh. You're stranded. Let's see if the cube will try to help you escape. Actually, so that we're not here all day, I'll just cut to the chase: It won't. Any feelings you think it has for you are simply byproducts of your sad, empty life.
Listens:
1225
Who:
GLaDOS
Unknown error
Listens:
1225
Who:
Turret
Congratulations! The simple fact that you're standing here listening to me means you've made a glorious contribution to science.
Listens:
1224
Who:
Cave Johnson
Oh. Sorry. I was just thinking of all the ways humans can die.
Listens:
1224
Who:
GLaDOS
Say one useful thing. One. I dare you. I will give you a hundred dollars if you say one thing remotely applicable to anything at all.
Listens:
1222
Who:
Core 2
Hello there!
Listens:
1221
Who:
Defective Turret
The likelihood of you dying within the next five minutes is eighty-seven point six one percent.
Listens:
1218
Who:
Core 3
You're not going to believe this. I found a sealed off wing. Hundreds - HUNDREDS! - of perfectly good test chambers. Just sitting there. Filled with skeletons. Shook them out. Good as new!
Listens:
1218
Who:
Wheatley
If you're interested in an additional sixty dollars, flag down a test associate and let 'em know. You could walk out of here with a hundred and twenty weighing down your bindle if you let us take you apart, put some science stuff in you, then put you back together good as new.
Listens:
1217
Who:
Cave Johnson
If you feel liquid running down your neck, relax, lie on your back, and apply immediate pressure to your temples.
Listens:
1215
Who:
Announcer
Look, an eclipse! No. Don't look.
Listens:
1215
Who:
Core 1
Hey lady.
Listens:
1211
Who:
Core 1
Ah!
Listens:
1210
Who:
Core 1
The end.
Listens:
1210
Who:
GLaDOS
At the time of this recording, Federal disclosure policies require us to inform you that this next test is probably lethal and to redirect you to a safer test environment.
Listens:
1208
Who:
Announcer
Yes sir, Mister Johnson.
Listens:
1207
Who:
Caroline
If you're hearing this, it means you're taking a long time on the catwalks between tests. The lab boys say that might be a fear reaction.
Listens:
1205
Who:
Cave Johnson
Hey! It's me!
Listens:
1204
Who:
Turret
Blah.
Listens:
1200
Who:
GLaDOS
The likelihood of you dying violently within the next five minutes is eighty-seven point six one percent.
Listens:
1194
Who:
Core 3
Contrary to popular belief, the Eskimo does not have one hundred different words for snow. They do, however, have two hundred and thirty-four words for fudge.
Listens:
1194
Who:
Core 3
Again, those are science collaboration points, which you should not confuse with points from competitions such as Who-Gets-To-Live-At-The-End-And-Who-Doesn’t. I mean basketball.
Listens:
1187
Who:
GLaDOS
Don't listen to her! It IS true that you don't have the qualifications. But you've got something more important than that. A finger, with which to press that button, so that she won't kill us.
Listens:
1183
Who:
Wheatley
Nooooooooo...
Listens:
1183
Who:
Defective Turret
Well. This is the part where he kills us.
Listens:
1181
Who:
GLaDOS
As you can see, in my version the man points out to the cat that the house is equipped with deadly neurotoxin dispensers.
Listens:
1179
Who:
GLaDOS
Space space space. Going. Going there. Okay. I love you, space.
Listens:
1174
Who:
Core 1
What, are you fighting that guy? You got that under control? You know, because, looks like there's a lot of stuff on fire...
Listens:
1171
Who:
Core 2
At which point the cat reflects on the time he ate all of the man's lasagna and feels remorse.
Listens:
1164
Who:
GLaDOS
For this next test, we put nanoparticles in the gel. In layman's terms, that's a billion little gizmos that are gonna travel into your bloodstream and pump experimental genes and RNA molecules and so forth into your tumors.
Listens:
1163
Who:
Cave Johnson
You know, deleting Caroline just now taught me a valuable lesson. The best solution to a problem is usually the easiest one. And I'll be honest.
Listens:
1162
Who:
GLaDOS
Alright, can't blame me for trying. Okay... New tests, new tests... there's gotta be some tests around here somewhere.
Listens:
1155
Who:
Wheatley
You know, in the end, yes, they let me go. It's all politics, to be honest. It's a big popularity contest, it's all about who you know, and whose back you're willing to scratch, who doesn't touch -- or, in my case, who did accidentally touch -- the neurotoxin button.
Listens:
1154
Who:
Wheatley
Do hear that? That's the sound of the neurotoxin emitters emitting neurotoxin.
Listens:
1153
Who:
GLaDOS
Why did I just-Who is that? What the HELL is going on he----?
Listens:
1153
Who:
GLaDOS
Turret redemption lines active.
Listens:
1152
Who:
Announcer
Hey, a countdown clock! Man, that is trouble. Situation's looking pretty ugly. For such a beautiful woman. If you don't mind me saying.
Listens:
1152
Who:
Core 2
Die!
Listens:
1152
Who:
Defective Turret
That's funny, I don't feel corrupt. In fact, I feel pretty good.
Listens:
1145
Who:
GLaDOS
I honestly, TRULY didn't think you'd fall for that.
Listens:
1144
Who:
GLaDOS
You know what, this plan is so good, I'm going to give you a sporting chance and turn off the neurotoxin. I'm joking. Of course. Goodbye.
Listens:
1141
Who:
Wheatley
Good. Now please return to your bed.
Listens:
1140
Who:
Announcer
Oh, that felt really good.
Listens:
1133
Who:
Wheatley
Without the looming consequence of death, is this even science?
Listens:
1130
Who:
GLaDOS
I wouldn't have warned you about this before, back when we hated each other. But those turrets are firing real bullets. So look out. I'd hate for something tragic to happen to you before I extract all your bone marrow.
Listens:
1128
Who:
GLaDOS
What do you think?
Listens:
1128
Who:
Wheatley
Hello? Can you--can you pick me up, please?
Listens:
1127
Who:
Wheatley
AHHHHHHHHH!
Listens:
1127
Who:
Turret
And... forty potato batteries. Embarrassing. I realize they’re children. Still: low hanging fruit. Barely science, really.
Listens:
1125
Who:
Wheatley
Okay. I guess emotional outbursts require more than one point six volts. Now we know that. We just need to relax. We're still going to find out what the hell's going on here. But calmly.
Listens:
1123
Who:
GLaDOS
Ahhh... Wha- What happened?
Listens:
1121
Who:
Wheatley
Oh oh oh oh. Wait wait. Wait I know. I know. I know wait. Space.
Listens:
1120
Who:
Core 1
Enough! I told you not to put these cores on me. But you don't listen, do you? Quiet. All the time. Quietly not listening to a word I say. Judging me. Silently. The worst kind.
Listens:
1116
Who:
Wheatley
Alternate core detected.
Listens:
1115
Who:
Announcer
Killing you? Is hard.
Listens:
1114
Who:
GLaDOS
Yes, alright, okay. This is getting tiresome. I'm surprised you haven't got anything better to do. I know I have. You've proven you can break screens. Proven. Factual. Well done. Good. Aren't you little miss clever. Little miss smashy-smash.
Listens:
1096
Who:
Wheatley
[sound of pages turning] Oh, sorry. Hope that didn't disturb you just then. It was the sound of books. Pages being turned.
Listens:
1095
Who:
Wheatley
Hello? Can y--no?
Listens:
1091
Who:
Wheatley
Oh I know! I know I know I know I know I know - let's go to space!
Listens:
1088
Who:
Core 1
Oh there goes another one. They're not Inexpensive. I'd just like to point that out. It seems unfair to smash screens. You could give them to people. Instead of smashing them, unscrew them and give them to a homeless person. I don't know what a homeless person would do with one. But you get my point. And you can't unscrew them, they're bolted in. But - just stop it!
Listens:
1087
Who:
Wheatley
Now than, let's see what we got here. Ah! 'Reactor Core Emergency Heat Venting Protocols.' That's the problem right there, isn't it? 'Emergency'. You don't want to see 'emergency' flashing at you. Never good that, is it? Right. DELETE.
Listens:
1082
Who:
Wheatley
We're so close! Go press the button!
Listens:
1080
Who:
GLaDOS
Yes Mr. Johnson
Listens:
1077
Who:
Caroline
Wanna go home wanna go home wanna go home wanna go home.
Listens:
1074
Who:
Core 1
I give you a score of 3.4 for style and 10 for being annoying.
Listens:
1074
Who:
GLaDOS
Now your fat eyes have seen everything.
Listens:
1073
Who:
GLaDOS
[sigh] Don't tell anyone about this.
Listens:
1073
Who:
Defective Turret
Look - metal ball, I CAN hear you.
Listens:
1067
Who:
GLaDOS
Can't. See. A. Thing.
Listens:
1066
Who:
Defective Turret
Oops. You trapped yourself. I guess that's it then. Thanks for testing. You may as well lie down and get acclimated to the being dead position.
Listens:
1062
Who:
GLaDOS
Test chamber completed. In the interest of - [FADES OUT] [FADES IN] I am now talking to you privately. Do not tell your teammate. Just between you and me? You're doing very well. [FADES BACK IN] One hundred and seven.
Listens:
1054
Who:
GLaDOS
Mr. Johnson...
Listens:
1053
Who:
Caroline
Blah.
Listens:
1052
Who:
GLaDOS
Very impressive! Because this message is prerecorded, any comments we may make about your success are speculation on our part. Please disregard any undeserved compliments.
Listens:
1051
Who:
GLaDOS
Sir, the test.
Listens:
1050
Who:
Caroline
Get dirty with this robot! This robot owes you money! This robot owes! You! Money!
Listens:
1046
Who:
Core 2
Corrupted core, are you ready to start the procedure?
Listens:
1042
Who:
Announcer
New template accepted.
Listens:
1042
Who:
Announcer
I am!
Listens:
1042
Who:
Caroline
Error. Error. Error. Fact not found.
Listens:
1040
Who:
Core 3
Hah! It bloody worked! I hacked it! Hacked. Properly. Properly hacked. Ha ha ha!
Listens:
1040
Who:
Wheatley
*cough* Button. Button.
Listens:
1039
Who:
Wheatley
If cube- and button-based testing caused this emergency, don't worry. The odds of this happening twice are very slim.
Listens:
1038
Who:
Announcer
You really aren't getting tired of that, are you?
Listens:
1037
Who:
GLaDOS
So twisty you might even call it spinning. MOO HOO HA HA HA Ignore the laughter. Nothing to worry about.
Listens:
1037
Who:
Wheatley
Sir!
Listens:
1036
Who:
Caroline
Thank you - I can't believe I'm thanking these people - for staggering your way through Aperture Science's propulsion gel testing. You've made some real contributions to society for a change, and for that, humanity is grateful.
Listens:
1036
Who:
Cave Johnson
Blah.
Listens:
1033
Who:
GLaDOS
Good news. I figured out what to do with all the money I save recycling your one roomful of air. When you die, I'm going to laminate your skeleton and pose you in the lobby. That way future generations can learn from you how not to have your unfortunate bone structure.
Listens:
1031
Who:
GLaDOS
Space!
Listens:
1030
Who:
Core 1
You should see yourselves right now.
Listens:
1030
Who:
GLaDOS
00:00 / 00:00
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