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Portal 2
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Uh oh. You're stranded. Let's see if the cube will try to help you escape. Actually, so that we're not here all day, I'll just cut to the chase: It won't. Any feelings you think it has for you are simply byproducts of your sad, empty life.
Listens:
1381
Who:
GLaDOS
In 1948, at the request of a dying boy, baseball legend Babe Ruth ate seventy-five hot dogs, then died of hot dog poisoning.
Listens:
1380
Who:
Core 3
And whose fault do you think it's going to be when the management comes down here and finds ten thousand flipping vegetables?
Listens:
1380
Who:
Wheatley
Die!
Listens:
1377
Who:
Defective Turret
Did my hint help? It did, didn't it? You know, if any of our supervisors had been immune to neurotoxin, they'd be FURIOUS with us right now.
Listens:
1373
Who:
GLaDOS
Blah.
Listens:
1372
Who:
GLaDOS
The likelihood of you dying within the next five minutes is eighty-seven point six one percent.
Listens:
1370
Who:
Core 3
*I* have to go to the wing that was made entirely of glass and pick up fifteen acres of broken glass. By myself.
Listens:
1369
Who:
GLaDOS
If you're interested in an additional sixty dollars, flag down a test associate and let 'em know. You could walk out of here with a hundred and twenty weighing down your bindle if you let us take you apart, put some science stuff in you, then put you back together good as new.
Listens:
1368
Who:
Cave Johnson
Aw... hates Mondays.
Listens:
1367
Who:
GLaDOS
During the Great Depression, the Tennessee Valley Authority outlawed pet rabbits, forcing many to hot glue-gun long ears onto their pet mice.
Listens:
1365
Who:
Core 3
I was going to kill you fast. With bullets. Or neurotoxin. But if you're going to pull stunts like this, it doesn't have to be fast. So you know. I'll take my time.
Listens:
1365
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh my god. What has he done to this place?
Listens:
1364
Who:
GLaDOS
Anyway, new turrets. Not defective. Ace of fours. The best hand. Unbeatable, I imagine.
Listens:
1363
Who:
Wheatley
Still a work in progress, don't judge me yet. Eventually I'd like to get them to sort of shoot fire at you, moments before crushing you. That's what I'm aiming for. But you know, small steps.
Listens:
1361
Who:
Wheatley
Oh. Sorry. I was just thinking of all the ways humans can die.
Listens:
1358
Who:
GLaDOS
I don't want to scare you, but, I'm an Adventure Sphere. Designed for danger. So, why don't you go ahead and have yourself a little lady break, and I'll just take it from here.
Listens:
1354
Who:
Core 2
If you're hearing this, it means you're taking a long time on the catwalks between tests. The lab boys say that might be a fear reaction.
Listens:
1353
Who:
Cave Johnson
Congratulations! The simple fact that you're standing here listening to me means you've made a glorious contribution to science.
Listens:
1353
Who:
Cave Johnson
Yes sir, Mister Johnson.
Listens:
1351
Who:
Caroline
You look great, by the way. Very healthy.
Listens:
1348
Who:
GLaDOS
Ohh. You're gonna laugh at this. You know how I said there was absolutely no way to get here without going through her lair and her potentially killing us? Could have gone through here. [laughs] My fault. Bit of luck for us that she wasn't switched on.
Listens:
1348
Who:
Wheatley
Well. This is the part where he kills us.
Listens:
1344
Who:
GLaDOS
If you feel liquid running down your neck, relax, lie on your back, and apply immediate pressure to your temples.
Listens:
1343
Who:
Announcer
Look, an eclipse! No. Don't look.
Listens:
1342
Who:
Core 1
So I've been thinking: We need humans for these tests. And since the only human within a thousand miles of us is a test-ruining sociopath... I'll just have to MAKE some.
Listens:
1342
Who:
GLaDOS
AHHHHHHHHH!
Listens:
1339
Who:
Turret
I honestly, TRULY didn't think you'd fall for that.
Listens:
1338
Who:
GLaDOS
That's funny, I don't feel corrupt. In fact, I feel pretty good.
Listens:
1335
Who:
GLaDOS
Hey lady.
Listens:
1333
Who:
Core 1
As you can see, in my version the man points out to the cat that the house is equipped with deadly neurotoxin dispensers.
Listens:
1331
Who:
GLaDOS
You know, deleting Caroline just now taught me a valuable lesson. The best solution to a problem is usually the easiest one. And I'll be honest.
Listens:
1323
Who:
GLaDOS
You know what, this plan is so good, I'm going to give you a sporting chance and turn off the neurotoxin. I'm joking. Of course. Goodbye.
Listens:
1323
Who:
Wheatley
Nooooooooo...
Listens:
1321
Who:
Defective Turret
At the time of this recording, Federal disclosure policies require us to inform you that this next test is probably lethal and to redirect you to a safer test environment.
Listens:
1317
Who:
Announcer
Why did I just-Who is that? What the HELL is going on he----?
Listens:
1314
Who:
GLaDOS
Good. Now please return to your bed.
Listens:
1312
Who:
Announcer
The likelihood of you dying violently within the next five minutes is eighty-seven point six one percent.
Listens:
1307
Who:
Core 3
Turret redemption lines active.
Listens:
1304
Who:
Announcer
Contrary to popular belief, the Eskimo does not have one hundred different words for snow. They do, however, have two hundred and thirty-four words for fudge.
Listens:
1304
Who:
Core 3
Say one useful thing. One. I dare you. I will give you a hundred dollars if you say one thing remotely applicable to anything at all.
Listens:
1300
Who:
Core 2
Alternate core detected.
Listens:
1287
Who:
Announcer
Alright, can't blame me for trying. Okay... New tests, new tests... there's gotta be some tests around here somewhere.
Listens:
1287
Who:
Wheatley
Again, those are science collaboration points, which you should not confuse with points from competitions such as Who-Gets-To-Live-At-The-End-And-Who-Doesn’t. I mean basketball.
Listens:
1284
Who:
GLaDOS
Space space space. Going. Going there. Okay. I love you, space.
Listens:
1279
Who:
Core 1
At which point the cat reflects on the time he ate all of the man's lasagna and feels remorse.
Listens:
1277
Who:
GLaDOS
You're not going to believe this. I found a sealed off wing. Hundreds - HUNDREDS! - of perfectly good test chambers. Just sitting there. Filled with skeletons. Shook them out. Good as new!
Listens:
1272
Who:
Wheatley
Don't listen to her! It IS true that you don't have the qualifications. But you've got something more important than that. A finger, with which to press that button, so that she won't kill us.
Listens:
1266
Who:
Wheatley
Do hear that? That's the sound of the neurotoxin emitters emitting neurotoxin.
Listens:
1262
Who:
GLaDOS
What, are you fighting that guy? You got that under control? You know, because, looks like there's a lot of stuff on fire...
Listens:
1261
Who:
Core 2
For this next test, we put nanoparticles in the gel. In layman's terms, that's a billion little gizmos that are gonna travel into your bloodstream and pump experimental genes and RNA molecules and so forth into your tumors.
Listens:
1255
Who:
Cave Johnson
I wouldn't have warned you about this before, back when we hated each other. But those turrets are firing real bullets. So look out. I'd hate for something tragic to happen to you before I extract all your bone marrow.
Listens:
1253
Who:
GLaDOS
Killing you? Is hard.
Listens:
1251
Who:
GLaDOS
Blah.
Listens:
1244
Who:
GLaDOS
Ahhh... Wha- What happened?
Listens:
1242
Who:
Wheatley
You know, in the end, yes, they let me go. It's all politics, to be honest. It's a big popularity contest, it's all about who you know, and whose back you're willing to scratch, who doesn't touch -- or, in my case, who did accidentally touch -- the neurotoxin button.
Listens:
1234
Who:
Wheatley
Hello? Can you--can you pick me up, please?
Listens:
1234
Who:
Wheatley
And... forty potato batteries. Embarrassing. I realize they’re children. Still: low hanging fruit. Barely science, really.
Listens:
1232
Who:
Wheatley
Hey, a countdown clock! Man, that is trouble. Situation's looking pretty ugly. For such a beautiful woman. If you don't mind me saying.
Listens:
1222
Who:
Core 2
Yes Mr. Johnson
Listens:
1221
Who:
Caroline
Enough! I told you not to put these cores on me. But you don't listen, do you? Quiet. All the time. Quietly not listening to a word I say. Judging me. Silently. The worst kind.
Listens:
1221
Who:
Wheatley
Oh, that felt really good.
Listens:
1220
Who:
Wheatley
Sentry mode activated
Listens:
1219
Who:
Turret
Without the looming consequence of death, is this even science?
Listens:
1218
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh oh oh oh. Wait wait. Wait I know. I know. I know wait. Space.
Listens:
1217
Who:
Core 1
Okay. I guess emotional outbursts require more than one point six volts. Now we know that. We just need to relax. We're still going to find out what the hell's going on here. But calmly.
Listens:
1217
Who:
GLaDOS
We're so close! Go press the button!
Listens:
1216
Who:
GLaDOS
Get dirty with this robot! This robot owes you money! This robot owes! You! Money!
Listens:
1215
Who:
Core 2
Look - metal ball, I CAN hear you.
Listens:
1211
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello? Can y--no?
Listens:
1210
Who:
Wheatley
What do you think?
Listens:
1207
Who:
Wheatley
Owwwww!
Listens:
1207
Who:
Turret
If cube- and button-based testing caused this emergency, don't worry. The odds of this happening twice are very slim.
Listens:
1205
Who:
Announcer
[sigh] Don't tell anyone about this.
Listens:
1197
Who:
Defective Turret
Oh I know! I know I know I know I know I know - let's go to space!
Listens:
1194
Who:
Core 1
Now your fat eyes have seen everything.
Listens:
1193
Who:
GLaDOS
Thank you - I can't believe I'm thanking these people - for staggering your way through Aperture Science's propulsion gel testing. You've made some real contributions to society for a change, and for that, humanity is grateful.
Listens:
1192
Who:
Cave Johnson
Corrupted core, are you ready to start the procedure?
Listens:
1189
Who:
Announcer
Sir, the test.
Listens:
1187
Who:
Caroline
Now than, let's see what we got here. Ah! 'Reactor Core Emergency Heat Venting Protocols.' That's the problem right there, isn't it? 'Emergency'. You don't want to see 'emergency' flashing at you. Never good that, is it? Right. DELETE.
Listens:
1186
Who:
Wheatley
I give you a score of 3.4 for style and 10 for being annoying.
Listens:
1184
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh, I like this guy.
Listens:
1183
Who:
GLaDOS
I am!
Listens:
1182
Who:
Caroline
Mr. Johnson...
Listens:
1181
Who:
Caroline
Yes, alright, okay. This is getting tiresome. I'm surprised you haven't got anything better to do. I know I have. You've proven you can break screens. Proven. Factual. Well done. Good. Aren't you little miss clever. Little miss smashy-smash.
Listens:
1181
Who:
Wheatley
Blah.
Listens:
1180
Who:
GLaDOS
NNGH! It's not enough! If I'm such a moron, why can't you solve a simple test?
Listens:
1179
Who:
Wheatley
Test chamber completed. In the interest of - [FADES OUT] [FADES IN] I am now talking to you privately. Do not tell your teammate. Just between you and me? You're doing very well. [FADES BACK IN] One hundred and seven.
Listens:
1178
Who:
GLaDOS
Ahh!
Listens:
1176
Who:
Turret
Can't. See. A. Thing.
Listens:
1176
Who:
Defective Turret
You really aren't getting tired of that, are you?
Listens:
1175
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh, this is just PERFECT!
Listens:
1174
Who:
Defective Turret
Oh there goes another one. They're not Inexpensive. I'd just like to point that out. It seems unfair to smash screens. You could give them to people. Instead of smashing them, unscrew them and give them to a homeless person. I don't know what a homeless person would do with one. But you get my point. And you can't unscrew them, they're bolted in. But - just stop it!
Listens:
1172
Who:
Wheatley
[sound of pages turning] Oh, sorry. Hope that didn't disturb you just then. It was the sound of books. Pages being turned.
Listens:
1172
Who:
Wheatley
Sir!
Listens:
1166
Who:
Caroline
Wanna go home wanna go home wanna go home wanna go home.
Listens:
1166
Who:
Core 1
Error. Error. Error. Fact not found.
Listens:
1166
Who:
Core 3
New template accepted.
Listens:
1164
Who:
Announcer
Very impressive! Because this message is prerecorded, any comments we may make about your success are speculation on our part. Please disregard any undeserved compliments.
Listens:
1164
Who:
GLaDOS
*cough* Button. Button.
Listens:
1164
Who:
Wheatley
00:00 / 00:00
Test Player
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