Please make sure you own these games if you are going to listen to their content!
News: Loading...
Quote:
Who:
Portal 2
Portal 2 DLC
Portal 2 PTI
Portal 2 Music
Portal 1
Portal 1 Music
Team Fortress 2
TF2 Music
Like
+1
Tweet
@Portal2Sounds
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
19
20
21
22
23
24
25
26
27
Popular
Original Order
Random
This site requires that
Javascript be enabled
.
That said, I would really appreciate it if you could test as fast as possible. Caroline, please bring me more pain pills.
Listens:
1212
Who:
Cave Johnson
Oh shut up!
Listens:
1212
Who:
Core 2
Ohh. You're gonna laugh at this. You know how I said there was absolutely no way to get here without going through her lair and her potentially killing us? Could have gone through here. [laughs] My fault. Bit of luck for us that she wasn't switched on.
Listens:
1208
Who:
Wheatley
Aw... hates Mondays.
Listens:
1206
Who:
GLaDOS
Hey, hold on now WHOA WHOA WHOA!
Listens:
1206
Who:
Defective Turret
So I've been thinking: We need humans for these tests. And since the only human within a thousand miles of us is a test-ruining sociopath... I'll just have to MAKE some.
Listens:
1204
Who:
GLaDOS
During the Great Depression, the Tennessee Valley Authority outlawed pet rabbits, forcing many to hot glue-gun long ears onto their pet mice.
Listens:
1202
Who:
Core 3
You're not going to believe this. I found a sealed off wing. Hundreds - HUNDREDS! - of perfectly good test chambers. Just sitting there. Filled with skeletons. Shook them out. Good as new!
Listens:
1202
Who:
Wheatley
Hell, put her in my computer. I don't care.
Listens:
1196
Who:
Cave Johnson
Say one useful thing. One. I dare you. I will give you a hundred dollars if you say one thing remotely applicable to anything at all.
Listens:
1195
Who:
Core 2
If you feel liquid running down your neck, relax, lie on your back, and apply immediate pressure to your temples.
Listens:
1193
Who:
Announcer
I was going to kill you fast. With bullets. Or neurotoxin. But if you're going to pull stunts like this, it doesn't have to be fast. So you know. I'll take my time.
Listens:
1193
Who:
GLaDOS
Hey lady.
Listens:
1192
Who:
Core 1
Oh. Sorry. I was just thinking of all the ways humans can die.
Listens:
1191
Who:
GLaDOS
Look, an eclipse! No. Don't look.
Listens:
1190
Who:
Core 1
The likelihood of you dying within the next five minutes is eighty-seven point six one percent.
Listens:
1189
Who:
Core 3
Congratulations! The simple fact that you're standing here listening to me means you've made a glorious contribution to science.
Listens:
1186
Who:
Cave Johnson
At the time of this recording, Federal disclosure policies require us to inform you that this next test is probably lethal and to redirect you to a safer test environment.
Listens:
1183
Who:
Announcer
If you're interested in an additional sixty dollars, flag down a test associate and let 'em know. You could walk out of here with a hundred and twenty weighing down your bindle if you let us take you apart, put some science stuff in you, then put you back together good as new.
Listens:
1183
Who:
Cave Johnson
Unknown error
Listens:
1180
Who:
Turret
If you're hearing this, it means you're taking a long time on the catwalks between tests. The lab boys say that might be a fear reaction.
Listens:
1178
Who:
Cave Johnson
Uh oh. You're stranded. Let's see if the cube will try to help you escape. Actually, so that we're not here all day, I'll just cut to the chase: It won't. Any feelings you think it has for you are simply byproducts of your sad, empty life.
Listens:
1178
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello there!
Listens:
1177
Who:
Defective Turret
Ah!
Listens:
1174
Who:
Core 1
Contrary to popular belief, the Eskimo does not have one hundred different words for snow. They do, however, have two hundred and thirty-four words for fudge.
Listens:
1174
Who:
Core 3
The likelihood of you dying violently within the next five minutes is eighty-seven point six one percent.
Listens:
1171
Who:
Core 3
The end.
Listens:
1164
Who:
GLaDOS
Yes sir, Mister Johnson.
Listens:
1157
Who:
Caroline
Don't listen to her! It IS true that you don't have the qualifications. But you've got something more important than that. A finger, with which to press that button, so that she won't kill us.
Listens:
1154
Who:
Wheatley
What, are you fighting that guy? You got that under control? You know, because, looks like there's a lot of stuff on fire...
Listens:
1150
Who:
Core 2
Again, those are science collaboration points, which you should not confuse with points from competitions such as Who-Gets-To-Live-At-The-End-And-Who-Doesn’t. I mean basketball.
Listens:
1149
Who:
GLaDOS
Nooooooooo...
Listens:
1147
Who:
Defective Turret
Space space space. Going. Going there. Okay. I love you, space.
Listens:
1144
Who:
Core 1
As you can see, in my version the man points out to the cat that the house is equipped with deadly neurotoxin dispensers.
Listens:
1139
Who:
GLaDOS
Hey! It's me!
Listens:
1137
Who:
Turret
You know, in the end, yes, they let me go. It's all politics, to be honest. It's a big popularity contest, it's all about who you know, and whose back you're willing to scratch, who doesn't touch -- or, in my case, who did accidentally touch -- the neurotoxin button.
Listens:
1132
Who:
Wheatley
Hey, a countdown clock! Man, that is trouble. Situation's looking pretty ugly. For such a beautiful woman. If you don't mind me saying.
Listens:
1131
Who:
Core 2
Well. This is the part where he kills us.
Listens:
1131
Who:
GLaDOS
At which point the cat reflects on the time he ate all of the man's lasagna and feels remorse.
Listens:
1128
Who:
GLaDOS
Turret redemption lines active.
Listens:
1123
Who:
Announcer
Alright, can't blame me for trying. Okay... New tests, new tests... there's gotta be some tests around here somewhere.
Listens:
1123
Who:
Wheatley
For this next test, we put nanoparticles in the gel. In layman's terms, that's a billion little gizmos that are gonna travel into your bloodstream and pump experimental genes and RNA molecules and so forth into your tumors.
Listens:
1119
Who:
Cave Johnson
You know, deleting Caroline just now taught me a valuable lesson. The best solution to a problem is usually the easiest one. And I'll be honest.
Listens:
1114
Who:
GLaDOS
Why did I just-Who is that? What the HELL is going on he----?
Listens:
1113
Who:
GLaDOS
Do hear that? That's the sound of the neurotoxin emitters emitting neurotoxin.
Listens:
1109
Who:
GLaDOS
You know what, this plan is so good, I'm going to give you a sporting chance and turn off the neurotoxin. I'm joking. Of course. Goodbye.
Listens:
1109
Who:
Wheatley
Die!
Listens:
1109
Who:
Defective Turret
Without the looming consequence of death, is this even science?
Listens:
1107
Who:
GLaDOS
What do you think?
Listens:
1107
Who:
Wheatley
Oh oh oh oh. Wait wait. Wait I know. I know. I know wait. Space.
Listens:
1104
Who:
Core 1
I honestly, TRULY didn't think you'd fall for that.
Listens:
1104
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh, that felt really good.
Listens:
1103
Who:
Wheatley
Okay. I guess emotional outbursts require more than one point six volts. Now we know that. We just need to relax. We're still going to find out what the hell's going on here. But calmly.
Listens:
1100
Who:
GLaDOS
That's funny, I don't feel corrupt. In fact, I feel pretty good.
Listens:
1099
Who:
GLaDOS
Good. Now please return to your bed.
Listens:
1098
Who:
Announcer
I wouldn't have warned you about this before, back when we hated each other. But those turrets are firing real bullets. So look out. I'd hate for something tragic to happen to you before I extract all your bone marrow.
Listens:
1097
Who:
GLaDOS
And... forty potato batteries. Embarrassing. I realize they’re children. Still: low hanging fruit. Barely science, really.
Listens:
1096
Who:
Wheatley
Hello? Can you--can you pick me up, please?
Listens:
1092
Who:
Wheatley
Alternate core detected.
Listens:
1086
Who:
Announcer
Yes, alright, okay. This is getting tiresome. I'm surprised you haven't got anything better to do. I know I have. You've proven you can break screens. Proven. Factual. Well done. Good. Aren't you little miss clever. Little miss smashy-smash.
Listens:
1086
Who:
Wheatley
Ahhh... Wha- What happened?
Listens:
1077
Who:
Wheatley
Enough! I told you not to put these cores on me. But you don't listen, do you? Quiet. All the time. Quietly not listening to a word I say. Judging me. Silently. The worst kind.
Listens:
1075
Who:
Wheatley
AHHHHHHHHH!
Listens:
1074
Who:
Turret
Killing you? Is hard.
Listens:
1073
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh I know! I know I know I know I know I know - let's go to space!
Listens:
1065
Who:
Core 1
Now than, let's see what we got here. Ah! 'Reactor Core Emergency Heat Venting Protocols.' That's the problem right there, isn't it? 'Emergency'. You don't want to see 'emergency' flashing at you. Never good that, is it? Right. DELETE.
Listens:
1064
Who:
Wheatley
[sound of pages turning] Oh, sorry. Hope that didn't disturb you just then. It was the sound of books. Pages being turned.
Listens:
1064
Who:
Wheatley
Oh there goes another one. They're not Inexpensive. I'd just like to point that out. It seems unfair to smash screens. You could give them to people. Instead of smashing them, unscrew them and give them to a homeless person. I don't know what a homeless person would do with one. But you get my point. And you can't unscrew them, they're bolted in. But - just stop it!
Listens:
1057
Who:
Wheatley
Wanna go home wanna go home wanna go home wanna go home.
Listens:
1048
Who:
Core 1
Hello? Can y--no?
Listens:
1047
Who:
Wheatley
We're so close! Go press the button!
Listens:
1046
Who:
GLaDOS
Blah.
Listens:
1043
Who:
GLaDOS
I give you a score of 3.4 for style and 10 for being annoying.
Listens:
1043
Who:
GLaDOS
Yes Mr. Johnson
Listens:
1033
Who:
Caroline
Look - metal ball, I CAN hear you.
Listens:
1032
Who:
GLaDOS
[sigh] Don't tell anyone about this.
Listens:
1032
Who:
Defective Turret
Now your fat eyes have seen everything.
Listens:
1030
Who:
GLaDOS
Can't. See. A. Thing.
Listens:
1028
Who:
Defective Turret
Very impressive! Because this message is prerecorded, any comments we may make about your success are speculation on our part. Please disregard any undeserved compliments.
Listens:
1025
Who:
GLaDOS
Get dirty with this robot! This robot owes you money! This robot owes! You! Money!
Listens:
1017
Who:
Core 2
Hah! It bloody worked! I hacked it! Hacked. Properly. Properly hacked. Ha ha ha!
Listens:
1014
Who:
Wheatley
Error. Error. Error. Fact not found.
Listens:
1013
Who:
Core 3
Oops. You trapped yourself. I guess that's it then. Thanks for testing. You may as well lie down and get acclimated to the being dead position.
Listens:
1011
Who:
GLaDOS
Corrupted core, are you ready to start the procedure?
Listens:
1010
Who:
Announcer
Mr. Johnson...
Listens:
1009
Who:
Caroline
Hey hey hey hey hey!
Listens:
1008
Who:
Core 1
Sir, the test.
Listens:
1006
Who:
Caroline
If cube- and button-based testing caused this emergency, don't worry. The odds of this happening twice are very slim.
Listens:
1005
Who:
Announcer
Space!
Listens:
1004
Who:
Core 1
New template accepted.
Listens:
1003
Who:
Announcer
You really aren't getting tired of that, are you?
Listens:
1001
Who:
GLaDOS
Test chamber completed. In the interest of - [FADES OUT] [FADES IN] I am now talking to you privately. Do not tell your teammate. Just between you and me? You're doing very well. [FADES BACK IN] One hundred and seven.
Listens:
1000
Who:
GLaDOS
Sir!
Listens:
999
Who:
Caroline
I am!
Listens:
999
Who:
Caroline
Thank you - I can't believe I'm thanking these people - for staggering your way through Aperture Science's propulsion gel testing. You've made some real contributions to society for a change, and for that, humanity is grateful.
Listens:
998
Who:
Cave Johnson
Press the button!
Listens:
997
Who:
GLaDOS
Sorry, are you still there? Could you--could you pick me up?
Listens:
996
Who:
Wheatley
So twisty you might even call it spinning. MOO HOO HA HA HA Ignore the laughter. Nothing to worry about.
Listens:
995
Who:
Wheatley
Good news. I figured out what to do with all the money I save recycling your one roomful of air. When you die, I'm going to laminate your skeleton and pose you in the lobby. That way future generations can learn from you how not to have your unfortunate bone structure.
Listens:
991
Who:
GLaDOS
Cellular phones will not give you cancer. Only hepatitis.
Listens:
990
Who:
Core 3
00:00 / 00:00
Test Player
Like these quotes? Share them with your friends!
