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Portal 2
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Portal 1 Music
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TF2 Music
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And whose fault do you think it's going to be when the management comes down here and finds ten thousand flipping vegetables?
Listens:
1354
Who:
Wheatley
In 1948, at the request of a dying boy, baseball legend Babe Ruth ate seventy-five hot dogs, then died of hot dog poisoning.
Listens:
1349
Who:
Core 3
*I* have to go to the wing that was made entirely of glass and pick up fifteen acres of broken glass. By myself.
Listens:
1346
Who:
GLaDOS
Uh oh. You're stranded. Let's see if the cube will try to help you escape. Actually, so that we're not here all day, I'll just cut to the chase: It won't. Any feelings you think it has for you are simply byproducts of your sad, empty life.
Listens:
1343
Who:
GLaDOS
Still a work in progress, don't judge me yet. Eventually I'd like to get them to sort of shoot fire at you, moments before crushing you. That's what I'm aiming for. But you know, small steps.
Listens:
1343
Who:
Wheatley
Aw... hates Mondays.
Listens:
1342
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh my god. What has he done to this place?
Listens:
1339
Who:
GLaDOS
Die!
Listens:
1339
Who:
Defective Turret
If you're interested in an additional sixty dollars, flag down a test associate and let 'em know. You could walk out of here with a hundred and twenty weighing down your bindle if you let us take you apart, put some science stuff in you, then put you back together good as new.
Listens:
1338
Who:
Cave Johnson
During the Great Depression, the Tennessee Valley Authority outlawed pet rabbits, forcing many to hot glue-gun long ears onto their pet mice.
Listens:
1337
Who:
Core 3
Oh shut up!
Listens:
1337
Who:
Core 2
Oh. Sorry. I was just thinking of all the ways humans can die.
Listens:
1335
Who:
GLaDOS
I don't want to scare you, but, I'm an Adventure Sphere. Designed for danger. So, why don't you go ahead and have yourself a little lady break, and I'll just take it from here.
Listens:
1334
Who:
Core 2
You look great, by the way. Very healthy.
Listens:
1334
Who:
GLaDOS
I was going to kill you fast. With bullets. Or neurotoxin. But if you're going to pull stunts like this, it doesn't have to be fast. So you know. I'll take my time.
Listens:
1332
Who:
GLaDOS
Anyway, new turrets. Not defective. Ace of fours. The best hand. Unbeatable, I imagine.
Listens:
1332
Who:
Wheatley
Ohh. You're gonna laugh at this. You know how I said there was absolutely no way to get here without going through her lair and her potentially killing us? Could have gone through here. [laughs] My fault. Bit of luck for us that she wasn't switched on.
Listens:
1332
Who:
Wheatley
Congratulations! The simple fact that you're standing here listening to me means you've made a glorious contribution to science.
Listens:
1330
Who:
Cave Johnson
Blah.
Listens:
1328
Who:
GLaDOS
The likelihood of you dying within the next five minutes is eighty-seven point six one percent.
Listens:
1326
Who:
Core 3
Well. This is the part where he kills us.
Listens:
1326
Who:
GLaDOS
Look, an eclipse! No. Don't look.
Listens:
1324
Who:
Core 1
Yes sir, Mister Johnson.
Listens:
1322
Who:
Caroline
If you're hearing this, it means you're taking a long time on the catwalks between tests. The lab boys say that might be a fear reaction.
Listens:
1317
Who:
Cave Johnson
So I've been thinking: We need humans for these tests. And since the only human within a thousand miles of us is a test-ruining sociopath... I'll just have to MAKE some.
Listens:
1316
Who:
GLaDOS
If you feel liquid running down your neck, relax, lie on your back, and apply immediate pressure to your temples.
Listens:
1313
Who:
Announcer
Hey lady.
Listens:
1310
Who:
Core 1
AHHHHHHHHH!
Listens:
1308
Who:
Turret
As you can see, in my version the man points out to the cat that the house is equipped with deadly neurotoxin dispensers.
Listens:
1301
Who:
GLaDOS
You know what, this plan is so good, I'm going to give you a sporting chance and turn off the neurotoxin. I'm joking. Of course. Goodbye.
Listens:
1300
Who:
Wheatley
At the time of this recording, Federal disclosure policies require us to inform you that this next test is probably lethal and to redirect you to a safer test environment.
Listens:
1298
Who:
Announcer
You know, deleting Caroline just now taught me a valuable lesson. The best solution to a problem is usually the easiest one. And I'll be honest.
Listens:
1294
Who:
GLaDOS
Why did I just-Who is that? What the HELL is going on he----?
Listens:
1292
Who:
GLaDOS
Nooooooooo...
Listens:
1288
Who:
Defective Turret
Say one useful thing. One. I dare you. I will give you a hundred dollars if you say one thing remotely applicable to anything at all.
Listens:
1283
Who:
Core 2
The likelihood of you dying violently within the next five minutes is eighty-seven point six one percent.
Listens:
1281
Who:
Core 3
That's funny, I don't feel corrupt. In fact, I feel pretty good.
Listens:
1277
Who:
GLaDOS
I honestly, TRULY didn't think you'd fall for that.
Listens:
1272
Who:
GLaDOS
Good. Now please return to your bed.
Listens:
1269
Who:
Announcer
Turret redemption lines active.
Listens:
1268
Who:
Announcer
Contrary to popular belief, the Eskimo does not have one hundred different words for snow. They do, however, have two hundred and thirty-four words for fudge.
Listens:
1266
Who:
Core 3
Space space space. Going. Going there. Okay. I love you, space.
Listens:
1265
Who:
Core 1
Again, those are science collaboration points, which you should not confuse with points from competitions such as Who-Gets-To-Live-At-The-End-And-Who-Doesn’t. I mean basketball.
Listens:
1264
Who:
GLaDOS
You're not going to believe this. I found a sealed off wing. Hundreds - HUNDREDS! - of perfectly good test chambers. Just sitting there. Filled with skeletons. Shook them out. Good as new!
Listens:
1261
Who:
Wheatley
Alright, can't blame me for trying. Okay... New tests, new tests... there's gotta be some tests around here somewhere.
Listens:
1260
Who:
Wheatley
At which point the cat reflects on the time he ate all of the man's lasagna and feels remorse.
Listens:
1255
Who:
GLaDOS
Alternate core detected.
Listens:
1252
Who:
Announcer
Don't listen to her! It IS true that you don't have the qualifications. But you've got something more important than that. A finger, with which to press that button, so that she won't kill us.
Listens:
1252
Who:
Wheatley
Do hear that? That's the sound of the neurotoxin emitters emitting neurotoxin.
Listens:
1241
Who:
GLaDOS
What, are you fighting that guy? You got that under control? You know, because, looks like there's a lot of stuff on fire...
Listens:
1240
Who:
Core 2
For this next test, we put nanoparticles in the gel. In layman's terms, that's a billion little gizmos that are gonna travel into your bloodstream and pump experimental genes and RNA molecules and so forth into your tumors.
Listens:
1234
Who:
Cave Johnson
I wouldn't have warned you about this before, back when we hated each other. But those turrets are firing real bullets. So look out. I'd hate for something tragic to happen to you before I extract all your bone marrow.
Listens:
1233
Who:
GLaDOS
Killing you? Is hard.
Listens:
1219
Who:
GLaDOS
You know, in the end, yes, they let me go. It's all politics, to be honest. It's a big popularity contest, it's all about who you know, and whose back you're willing to scratch, who doesn't touch -- or, in my case, who did accidentally touch -- the neurotoxin button.
Listens:
1216
Who:
Wheatley
And... forty potato batteries. Embarrassing. I realize they’re children. Still: low hanging fruit. Barely science, really.
Listens:
1216
Who:
Wheatley
Ahhh... Wha- What happened?
Listens:
1214
Who:
Wheatley
Hey, a countdown clock! Man, that is trouble. Situation's looking pretty ugly. For such a beautiful woman. If you don't mind me saying.
Listens:
1206
Who:
Core 2
Oh, that felt really good.
Listens:
1202
Who:
Wheatley
Oh oh oh oh. Wait wait. Wait I know. I know. I know wait. Space.
Listens:
1201
Who:
Core 1
Get dirty with this robot! This robot owes you money! This robot owes! You! Money!
Listens:
1200
Who:
Core 2
Without the looming consequence of death, is this even science?
Listens:
1196
Who:
GLaDOS
Okay. I guess emotional outbursts require more than one point six volts. Now we know that. We just need to relax. We're still going to find out what the hell's going on here. But calmly.
Listens:
1195
Who:
GLaDOS
Yes Mr. Johnson
Listens:
1193
Who:
Caroline
Hello? Can you--can you pick me up, please?
Listens:
1193
Who:
Wheatley
Enough! I told you not to put these cores on me. But you don't listen, do you? Quiet. All the time. Quietly not listening to a word I say. Judging me. Silently. The worst kind.
Listens:
1191
Who:
Wheatley
What do you think?
Listens:
1187
Who:
Wheatley
Sentry mode activated
Listens:
1182
Who:
Turret
Blah.
Listens:
1181
Who:
GLaDOS
We're so close! Go press the button!
Listens:
1179
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello? Can y--no?
Listens:
1178
Who:
Wheatley
Owwwww!
Listens:
1177
Who:
Turret
Oh I know! I know I know I know I know I know - let's go to space!
Listens:
1175
Who:
Core 1
If cube- and button-based testing caused this emergency, don't worry. The odds of this happening twice are very slim.
Listens:
1172
Who:
Announcer
[sigh] Don't tell anyone about this.
Listens:
1172
Who:
Defective Turret
Corrupted core, are you ready to start the procedure?
Listens:
1165
Who:
Announcer
Now your fat eyes have seen everything.
Listens:
1164
Who:
GLaDOS
Thank you - I can't believe I'm thanking these people - for staggering your way through Aperture Science's propulsion gel testing. You've made some real contributions to society for a change, and for that, humanity is grateful.
Listens:
1163
Who:
Cave Johnson
Yes, alright, okay. This is getting tiresome. I'm surprised you haven't got anything better to do. I know I have. You've proven you can break screens. Proven. Factual. Well done. Good. Aren't you little miss clever. Little miss smashy-smash.
Listens:
1163
Who:
Wheatley
Oh, I like this guy.
Listens:
1161
Who:
GLaDOS
NNGH! It's not enough! If I'm such a moron, why can't you solve a simple test?
Listens:
1159
Who:
Wheatley
Mr. Johnson...
Listens:
1158
Who:
Caroline
Sir, the test.
Listens:
1158
Who:
Caroline
Oh, this is just PERFECT!
Listens:
1157
Who:
Defective Turret
I give you a score of 3.4 for style and 10 for being annoying.
Listens:
1156
Who:
GLaDOS
[sound of pages turning] Oh, sorry. Hope that didn't disturb you just then. It was the sound of books. Pages being turned.
Listens:
1156
Who:
Wheatley
Look - metal ball, I CAN hear you.
Listens:
1155
Who:
GLaDOS
I am!
Listens:
1154
Who:
Caroline
Oh there goes another one. They're not Inexpensive. I'd just like to point that out. It seems unfair to smash screens. You could give them to people. Instead of smashing them, unscrew them and give them to a homeless person. I don't know what a homeless person would do with one. But you get my point. And you can't unscrew them, they're bolted in. But - just stop it!
Listens:
1153
Who:
Wheatley
Wanna go home wanna go home wanna go home wanna go home.
Listens:
1150
Who:
Core 1
Now than, let's see what we got here. Ah! 'Reactor Core Emergency Heat Venting Protocols.' That's the problem right there, isn't it? 'Emergency'. You don't want to see 'emergency' flashing at you. Never good that, is it? Right. DELETE.
Listens:
1150
Who:
Wheatley
Can't. See. A. Thing.
Listens:
1150
Who:
Defective Turret
Test chamber completed. In the interest of - [FADES OUT] [FADES IN] I am now talking to you privately. Do not tell your teammate. Just between you and me? You're doing very well. [FADES BACK IN] One hundred and seven.
Listens:
1149
Who:
GLaDOS
You really aren't getting tired of that, are you?
Listens:
1147
Who:
GLaDOS
Blah.
Listens:
1146
Who:
GLaDOS
Very impressive! Because this message is prerecorded, any comments we may make about your success are speculation on our part. Please disregard any undeserved compliments.
Listens:
1144
Who:
GLaDOS
*cough* Button. Button.
Listens:
1141
Who:
Wheatley
New template accepted.
Listens:
1137
Who:
Announcer
Ahh!
Listens:
1137
Who:
Turret
Sir!
Listens:
1136
Who:
Caroline
Space!
Listens:
1135
Who:
Core 1
00:00 / 00:00
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