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Portal 2
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In case you're interested, there's still some positions available for that bonus opportunity I mentioned earlier. Again: all you gotta do is let us disassemble you. We're not banging rocks together here. We know how to put a man back together.
Listens:
1432
Who:
Cave Johnson
The scientists were always hanging cores on me to regulate my behavior. I've heard voices all my life. But now I hear the voice of a conscience, and it's terrifying, because for the first time it's my voice.
Listens:
1430
Who:
GLaDOS
That said, I would really appreciate it if you could test as fast as possible. Caroline, please bring me more pain pills.
Listens:
1429
Who:
Cave Johnson
The likelihood of you dying within the next five minutes is eighty-seven point six one percent.
Listens:
1429
Who:
Core 3
*I* have to go to the wing that was made entirely of glass and pick up fifteen acres of broken glass. By myself.
Listens:
1429
Who:
GLaDOS
And whose fault do you think it's going to be when the management comes down here and finds ten thousand flipping vegetables?
Listens:
1427
Who:
Wheatley
Aw... hates Mondays.
Listens:
1423
Who:
GLaDOS
Did my hint help? It did, didn't it? You know, if any of our supervisors had been immune to neurotoxin, they'd be FURIOUS with us right now.
Listens:
1423
Who:
GLaDOS
That's funny, I don't feel corrupt. In fact, I feel pretty good.
Listens:
1421
Who:
GLaDOS
Well. This is the part where he kills us.
Listens:
1421
Who:
GLaDOS
In 1948, at the request of a dying boy, baseball legend Babe Ruth ate seventy-five hot dogs, then died of hot dog poisoning.
Listens:
1415
Who:
Core 3
I was going to kill you fast. With bullets. Or neurotoxin. But if you're going to pull stunts like this, it doesn't have to be fast. So you know. I'll take my time.
Listens:
1415
Who:
GLaDOS
AHHHHHHHHH!
Listens:
1414
Who:
Turret
Anyway, new turrets. Not defective. Ace of fours. The best hand. Unbeatable, I imagine.
Listens:
1411
Who:
Wheatley
Nooooooooo...
Listens:
1411
Who:
Defective Turret
Yes sir, Mister Johnson.
Listens:
1406
Who:
Caroline
If you're interested in an additional sixty dollars, flag down a test associate and let 'em know. You could walk out of here with a hundred and twenty weighing down your bindle if you let us take you apart, put some science stuff in you, then put you back together good as new.
Listens:
1405
Who:
Cave Johnson
Oh my god. What has he done to this place?
Listens:
1405
Who:
GLaDOS
You look great, by the way. Very healthy.
Listens:
1404
Who:
GLaDOS
I honestly, TRULY didn't think you'd fall for that.
Listens:
1402
Who:
GLaDOS
I don't want to scare you, but, I'm an Adventure Sphere. Designed for danger. So, why don't you go ahead and have yourself a little lady break, and I'll just take it from here.
Listens:
1400
Who:
Core 2
You know, deleting Caroline just now taught me a valuable lesson. The best solution to a problem is usually the easiest one. And I'll be honest.
Listens:
1398
Who:
GLaDOS
Why did I just-Who is that? What the HELL is going on he----?
Listens:
1398
Who:
GLaDOS
If you're hearing this, it means you're taking a long time on the catwalks between tests. The lab boys say that might be a fear reaction.
Listens:
1397
Who:
Cave Johnson
So I've been thinking: We need humans for these tests. And since the only human within a thousand miles of us is a test-ruining sociopath... I'll just have to MAKE some.
Listens:
1397
Who:
GLaDOS
During the Great Depression, the Tennessee Valley Authority outlawed pet rabbits, forcing many to hot glue-gun long ears onto their pet mice.
Listens:
1394
Who:
Core 3
Oh. Sorry. I was just thinking of all the ways humans can die.
Listens:
1394
Who:
GLaDOS
Congratulations! The simple fact that you're standing here listening to me means you've made a glorious contribution to science.
Listens:
1386
Who:
Cave Johnson
If you feel liquid running down your neck, relax, lie on your back, and apply immediate pressure to your temples.
Listens:
1384
Who:
Announcer
Good. Now please return to your bed.
Listens:
1383
Who:
Announcer
Still a work in progress, don't judge me yet. Eventually I'd like to get them to sort of shoot fire at you, moments before crushing you. That's what I'm aiming for. But you know, small steps.
Listens:
1381
Who:
Wheatley
Ohh. You're gonna laugh at this. You know how I said there was absolutely no way to get here without going through her lair and her potentially killing us? Could have gone through here. [laughs] My fault. Bit of luck for us that she wasn't switched on.
Listens:
1381
Who:
Wheatley
Look, an eclipse! No. Don't look.
Listens:
1380
Who:
Core 1
As you can see, in my version the man points out to the cat that the house is equipped with deadly neurotoxin dispensers.
Listens:
1380
Who:
GLaDOS
Sentry mode activated
Listens:
1380
Who:
Turret
Hey lady.
Listens:
1375
Who:
Core 1
You know what, this plan is so good, I'm going to give you a sporting chance and turn off the neurotoxin. I'm joking. Of course. Goodbye.
Listens:
1364
Who:
Wheatley
Turret redemption lines active.
Listens:
1363
Who:
Announcer
Alternate core detected.
Listens:
1360
Who:
Announcer
The likelihood of you dying violently within the next five minutes is eighty-seven point six one percent.
Listens:
1342
Who:
Core 3
At the time of this recording, Federal disclosure policies require us to inform you that this next test is probably lethal and to redirect you to a safer test environment.
Listens:
1341
Who:
Announcer
Alright, can't blame me for trying. Okay... New tests, new tests... there's gotta be some tests around here somewhere.
Listens:
1340
Who:
Wheatley
Contrary to popular belief, the Eskimo does not have one hundred different words for snow. They do, however, have two hundred and thirty-four words for fudge.
Listens:
1337
Who:
Core 3
At which point the cat reflects on the time he ate all of the man's lasagna and feels remorse.
Listens:
1324
Who:
GLaDOS
Again, those are science collaboration points, which you should not confuse with points from competitions such as Who-Gets-To-Live-At-The-End-And-Who-Doesn’t. I mean basketball.
Listens:
1320
Who:
GLaDOS
Say one useful thing. One. I dare you. I will give you a hundred dollars if you say one thing remotely applicable to anything at all.
Listens:
1319
Who:
Core 2
Space space space. Going. Going there. Okay. I love you, space.
Listens:
1317
Who:
Core 1
Killing you? Is hard.
Listens:
1308
Who:
GLaDOS
I wouldn't have warned you about this before, back when we hated each other. But those turrets are firing real bullets. So look out. I'd hate for something tragic to happen to you before I extract all your bone marrow.
Listens:
1304
Who:
GLaDOS
Do hear that? That's the sound of the neurotoxin emitters emitting neurotoxin.
Listens:
1303
Who:
GLaDOS
Blah.
Listens:
1298
Who:
GLaDOS
You're not going to believe this. I found a sealed off wing. Hundreds - HUNDREDS! - of perfectly good test chambers. Just sitting there. Filled with skeletons. Shook them out. Good as new!
Listens:
1297
Who:
Wheatley
For this next test, we put nanoparticles in the gel. In layman's terms, that's a billion little gizmos that are gonna travel into your bloodstream and pump experimental genes and RNA molecules and so forth into your tumors.
Listens:
1292
Who:
Cave Johnson
Look - metal ball, I CAN hear you.
Listens:
1292
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello? Can you--can you pick me up, please?
Listens:
1288
Who:
Wheatley
Ahhh... Wha- What happened?
Listens:
1285
Who:
Wheatley
Don't listen to her! It IS true that you don't have the qualifications. But you've got something more important than that. A finger, with which to press that button, so that she won't kill us.
Listens:
1285
Who:
Wheatley
What, are you fighting that guy? You got that under control? You know, because, looks like there's a lot of stuff on fire...
Listens:
1284
Who:
Core 2
We're so close! Go press the button!
Listens:
1274
Who:
GLaDOS
Yes Mr. Johnson
Listens:
1269
Who:
Caroline
Enough! I told you not to put these cores on me. But you don't listen, do you? Quiet. All the time. Quietly not listening to a word I say. Judging me. Silently. The worst kind.
Listens:
1268
Who:
Wheatley
Oh, that felt really good.
Listens:
1266
Who:
Wheatley
And... forty potato batteries. Embarrassing. I realize they’re children. Still: low hanging fruit. Barely science, really.
Listens:
1265
Who:
Wheatley
[sigh] Don't tell anyone about this.
Listens:
1264
Who:
Defective Turret
Hello? Can y--no?
Listens:
1259
Who:
Wheatley
NNGH! It's not enough! If I'm such a moron, why can't you solve a simple test?
Listens:
1258
Who:
Wheatley
Owwwww!
Listens:
1257
Who:
Turret
Okay. I guess emotional outbursts require more than one point six volts. Now we know that. We just need to relax. We're still going to find out what the hell's going on here. But calmly.
Listens:
1256
Who:
GLaDOS
You know, in the end, yes, they let me go. It's all politics, to be honest. It's a big popularity contest, it's all about who you know, and whose back you're willing to scratch, who doesn't touch -- or, in my case, who did accidentally touch -- the neurotoxin button.
Listens:
1255
Who:
Wheatley
If cube- and button-based testing caused this emergency, don't worry. The odds of this happening twice are very slim.
Listens:
1248
Who:
Announcer
Ahh!
Listens:
1248
Who:
Turret
Without the looming consequence of death, is this even science?
Listens:
1246
Who:
GLaDOS
Corrupted core, are you ready to start the procedure?
Listens:
1244
Who:
Announcer
Hey, a countdown clock! Man, that is trouble. Situation's looking pretty ugly. For such a beautiful woman. If you don't mind me saying.
Listens:
1244
Who:
Core 2
Oh oh oh oh. Wait wait. Wait I know. I know. I know wait. Space.
Listens:
1241
Who:
Core 1
Oh, this is just PERFECT!
Listens:
1238
Who:
Defective Turret
What do you think?
Listens:
1237
Who:
Wheatley
I am!
Listens:
1235
Who:
Caroline
Oh I know! I know I know I know I know I know - let's go to space!
Listens:
1235
Who:
Core 1
Oh, I like this guy.
Listens:
1235
Who:
GLaDOS
Now than, let's see what we got here. Ah! 'Reactor Core Emergency Heat Venting Protocols.' That's the problem right there, isn't it? 'Emergency'. You don't want to see 'emergency' flashing at you. Never good that, is it? Right. DELETE.
Listens:
1234
Who:
Wheatley
Sir, the test.
Listens:
1233
Who:
Caroline
Thank you - I can't believe I'm thanking these people - for staggering your way through Aperture Science's propulsion gel testing. You've made some real contributions to society for a change, and for that, humanity is grateful.
Listens:
1233
Who:
Cave Johnson
Now your fat eyes have seen everything.
Listens:
1233
Who:
GLaDOS
Mr. Johnson...
Listens:
1232
Who:
Caroline
Get dirty with this robot! This robot owes you money! This robot owes! You! Money!
Listens:
1231
Who:
Core 2
Can't. See. A. Thing.
Listens:
1229
Who:
Defective Turret
I give you a score of 3.4 for style and 10 for being annoying.
Listens:
1227
Who:
GLaDOS
New template accepted.
Listens:
1226
Who:
Announcer
Um, hello?
Listens:
1225
Who:
Turret
Test chamber completed. In the interest of - [FADES OUT] [FADES IN] I am now talking to you privately. Do not tell your teammate. Just between you and me? You're doing very well. [FADES BACK IN] One hundred and seven.
Listens:
1220
Who:
GLaDOS
Shootin' blanks every time, ALL the time.
Listens:
1219
Who:
Defective Turret
You really aren't getting tired of that, are you?
Listens:
1217
Who:
GLaDOS
I went and spoke with the door mainframe. Let's just say he won't be... well, living anymore. Anyway, back to testing.
Listens:
1217
Who:
GLaDOS
*cough* Button. Button.
Listens:
1217
Who:
Wheatley
You should see yourselves right now.
Listens:
1216
Who:
GLaDOS
Blah.
Listens:
1216
Who:
GLaDOS
Oops. You trapped yourself. I guess that's it then. Thanks for testing. You may as well lie down and get acclimated to the being dead position.
Listens:
1215
Who:
GLaDOS
Error. Error. Error. Fact not found.
Listens:
1214
Who:
Core 3
Oh there goes another one. They're not Inexpensive. I'd just like to point that out. It seems unfair to smash screens. You could give them to people. Instead of smashing them, unscrew them and give them to a homeless person. I don't know what a homeless person would do with one. But you get my point. And you can't unscrew them, they're bolted in. But - just stop it!
Listens:
1214
Who:
Wheatley
00:00 / 00:00
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