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Portal 2
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Portal 1 Music
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TF2 Music
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(excited gasps)
Listens:
1117
Who:
Core 1
The likelihood of you dying within the next five minutes is eighty-seven point six one percent.
Listens:
1116
Who:
Core 3
If you're hearing this, it means you're taking a long time on the catwalks between tests. The lab boys say that might be a fear reaction.
Listens:
1115
Who:
Cave Johnson
The likelihood of you dying violently within the next five minutes is eighty-seven point six one percent.
Listens:
1110
Who:
Core 3
What, are you fighting that guy? You got that under control? You know, because, looks like there's a lot of stuff on fire...
Listens:
1106
Who:
Core 2
Oh. Sorry. I was just thinking of all the ways humans can die.
Listens:
1106
Who:
GLaDOS
If you're interested in an additional sixty dollars, flag down a test associate and let 'em know. You could walk out of here with a hundred and twenty weighing down your bindle if you let us take you apart, put some science stuff in you, then put you back together good as new.
Listens:
1104
Who:
Cave Johnson
At the time of this recording, Federal disclosure policies require us to inform you that this next test is probably lethal and to redirect you to a safer test environment.
Listens:
1103
Who:
Announcer
Again, those are science collaboration points, which you should not confuse with points from competitions such as Who-Gets-To-Live-At-The-End-And-Who-Doesn’t. I mean basketball.
Listens:
1103
Who:
GLaDOS
If you feel liquid running down your neck, relax, lie on your back, and apply immediate pressure to your temples.
Listens:
1099
Who:
Announcer
Congratulations! The simple fact that you're standing here listening to me means you've made a glorious contribution to science.
Listens:
1098
Who:
Cave Johnson
In case you're interested, there's still some positions available for that bonus opportunity I mentioned earlier. Again: all you gotta do is let us disassemble you. We're not banging rocks together here. We know how to put a man back together.
Listens:
1097
Who:
Cave Johnson
5000 point penalty! Are you happy now?
Listens:
1094
Who:
GLaDOS
Hey, a countdown clock! Man, that is trouble. Situation's looking pretty ugly. For such a beautiful woman. If you don't mind me saying.
Listens:
1093
Who:
Core 2
Look, an eclipse! No. Don't look.
Listens:
1087
Who:
Core 1
You know, in the end, yes, they let me go. It's all politics, to be honest. It's a big popularity contest, it's all about who you know, and whose back you're willing to scratch, who doesn't touch -- or, in my case, who did accidentally touch -- the neurotoxin button.
Listens:
1086
Who:
Wheatley
Hey, hold on now WHOA WHOA WHOA!
Listens:
1083
Who:
Defective Turret
Unknown error
Listens:
1081
Who:
Turret
Yes sir, Mister Johnson.
Listens:
1069
Who:
Caroline
Hell, put her in my computer. I don't care.
Listens:
1069
Who:
Cave Johnson
As you can see, in my version the man points out to the cat that the house is equipped with deadly neurotoxin dispensers.
Listens:
1065
Who:
GLaDOS
The end.
Listens:
1062
Who:
GLaDOS
What do you think?
Listens:
1060
Who:
Wheatley
Alright, can't blame me for trying. Okay... New tests, new tests... there's gotta be some tests around here somewhere.
Listens:
1056
Who:
Wheatley
Without the looming consequence of death, is this even science?
Listens:
1055
Who:
GLaDOS
You know, deleting Caroline just now taught me a valuable lesson. The best solution to a problem is usually the easiest one. And I'll be honest.
Listens:
1054
Who:
GLaDOS
Space space space. Going. Going there. Okay. I love you, space.
Listens:
1053
Who:
Core 1
At which point the cat reflects on the time he ate all of the man's lasagna and feels remorse.
Listens:
1052
Who:
GLaDOS
Okay. I guess emotional outbursts require more than one point six volts. Now we know that. We just need to relax. We're still going to find out what the hell's going on here. But calmly.
Listens:
1049
Who:
GLaDOS
Yes, alright, okay. This is getting tiresome. I'm surprised you haven't got anything better to do. I know I have. You've proven you can break screens. Proven. Factual. Well done. Good. Aren't you little miss clever. Little miss smashy-smash.
Listens:
1048
Who:
Wheatley
For this next test, we put nanoparticles in the gel. In layman's terms, that's a billion little gizmos that are gonna travel into your bloodstream and pump experimental genes and RNA molecules and so forth into your tumors.
Listens:
1046
Who:
Cave Johnson
And... forty potato batteries. Embarrassing. I realize they’re children. Still: low hanging fruit. Barely science, really.
Listens:
1045
Who:
Wheatley
Oh, that felt really good.
Listens:
1042
Who:
Wheatley
Well. This is the part where he kills us.
Listens:
1041
Who:
GLaDOS
I wouldn't have warned you about this before, back when we hated each other. But those turrets are firing real bullets. So look out. I'd hate for something tragic to happen to you before I extract all your bone marrow.
Listens:
1037
Who:
GLaDOS
Do hear that? That's the sound of the neurotoxin emitters emitting neurotoxin.
Listens:
1036
Who:
GLaDOS
You know what, this plan is so good, I'm going to give you a sporting chance and turn off the neurotoxin. I'm joking. Of course. Goodbye.
Listens:
1034
Who:
Wheatley
Hello there!
Listens:
1026
Who:
Defective Turret
Oh oh oh oh. Wait wait. Wait I know. I know. I know wait. Space.
Listens:
1024
Who:
Core 1
Enough! I told you not to put these cores on me. But you don't listen, do you? Quiet. All the time. Quietly not listening to a word I say. Judging me. Silently. The worst kind.
Listens:
1021
Who:
Wheatley
Hey! It's me!
Listens:
1019
Who:
Turret
That's funny, I don't feel corrupt. In fact, I feel pretty good.
Listens:
1018
Who:
GLaDOS
Nooooooooo...
Listens:
1015
Who:
Defective Turret
I honestly, TRULY didn't think you'd fall for that.
Listens:
1014
Who:
GLaDOS
[sound of pages turning] Oh, sorry. Hope that didn't disturb you just then. It was the sound of books. Pages being turned.
Listens:
1011
Who:
Wheatley
Hello? Can you--can you pick me up, please?
Listens:
1009
Who:
Wheatley
Killing you? Is hard.
Listens:
1005
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh there goes another one. They're not Inexpensive. I'd just like to point that out. It seems unfair to smash screens. You could give them to people. Instead of smashing them, unscrew them and give them to a homeless person. I don't know what a homeless person would do with one. But you get my point. And you can't unscrew them, they're bolted in. But - just stop it!
Listens:
999
Who:
Wheatley
Ah!
Listens:
997
Who:
Core 1
Turret redemption lines active.
Listens:
995
Who:
Announcer
Good. Now please return to your bed.
Listens:
992
Who:
Announcer
Alternate core detected.
Listens:
990
Who:
Announcer
Oh I know! I know I know I know I know I know - let's go to space!
Listens:
986
Who:
Core 1
We're so close! Go press the button!
Listens:
985
Who:
GLaDOS
Now than, let's see what we got here. Ah! 'Reactor Core Emergency Heat Venting Protocols.' That's the problem right there, isn't it? 'Emergency'. You don't want to see 'emergency' flashing at you. Never good that, is it? Right. DELETE.
Listens:
981
Who:
Wheatley
I give you a score of 3.4 for style and 10 for being annoying.
Listens:
979
Who:
GLaDOS
Die!
Listens:
976
Who:
Defective Turret
Wanna go home wanna go home wanna go home wanna go home.
Listens:
966
Who:
Core 1
Now your fat eyes have seen everything.
Listens:
964
Who:
GLaDOS
Look - metal ball, I CAN hear you.
Listens:
960
Who:
GLaDOS
Very impressive! Because this message is prerecorded, any comments we may make about your success are speculation on our part. Please disregard any undeserved compliments.
Listens:
960
Who:
GLaDOS
Error. Error. Error. Fact not found.
Listens:
956
Who:
Core 3
AHHHHHHHHH!
Listens:
952
Who:
Turret
Blah.
Listens:
951
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello? Can y--no?
Listens:
951
Who:
Wheatley
I HAVE to test. All the time. Or I get this... this ITCH. It must be hardwired into the system or something.
Listens:
950
Who:
Wheatley
Sorry, are you still there? Could you--could you pick me up?
Listens:
948
Who:
Wheatley
Hah! It bloody worked! I hacked it! Hacked. Properly. Properly hacked. Ha ha ha!
Listens:
945
Who:
Wheatley
Get dirty with this robot! This robot owes you money! This robot owes! You! Money!
Listens:
944
Who:
Core 2
So twisty you might even call it spinning. MOO HOO HA HA HA Ignore the laughter. Nothing to worry about.
Listens:
943
Who:
Wheatley
Cellular phones will not give you cancer. Only hepatitis.
Listens:
937
Who:
Core 3
Why did I just-Who is that? What the HELL is going on he----?
Listens:
935
Who:
GLaDOS
Yes Mr. Johnson
Listens:
934
Who:
Caroline
The plural of surgeon general is surgeons general. The past tense of surgeons general is surgeonsed general.
Listens:
933
Who:
Core 3
*cough* Button. Button.
Listens:
932
Who:
Wheatley
Hey hey hey hey hey!
Listens:
930
Who:
Core 1
Just hang in there for five more - What? Jerry, you can't fire me for that! Yes, JERRY -- OR, maybe your prejudiced worksite should have accommodated a nanobot of my size. Thanks for the hate crime, Jer!
Listens:
930
Who:
Wheatley
Thank you - I can't believe I'm thanking these people - for staggering your way through Aperture Science's propulsion gel testing. You've made some real contributions to society for a change, and for that, humanity is grateful.
Listens:
926
Who:
Cave Johnson
Sir, the test.
Listens:
922
Who:
Caroline
You really aren't getting tired of that, are you?
Listens:
921
Who:
GLaDOS
Corrupted core, are you ready to start the procedure?
Listens:
920
Who:
Announcer
Error. Error. Error. File not found.
Listens:
920
Who:
Core 3
Nobody cares, four eyes.
Listens:
920
Who:
Core 2
Space!
Listens:
918
Who:
Core 1
Dreams are the subconscious mind's way of reminding people to go to school naked and have their teeth fall out.
Listens:
918
Who:
Core 3
You should see yourselves right now.
Listens:
916
Who:
GLaDOS
If cube- and button-based testing caused this emergency, don't worry. The odds of this happening twice are very slim.
Listens:
914
Who:
Announcer
Can't. See. A. Thing.
Listens:
914
Who:
Defective Turret
Mr. Johnson...
Listens:
913
Who:
Caroline
New template accepted.
Listens:
912
Who:
Announcer
Oh, I like this guy.
Listens:
911
Who:
GLaDOS
Press it! Press the button!
Listens:
909
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh, look. There's a deer! You probably can't see it. Get closer.
Listens:
906
Who:
GLaDOS
Sir!
Listens:
905
Who:
Caroline
I am!
Listens:
905
Who:
Caroline
Press the button!
Listens:
905
Who:
GLaDOS
Good news. I figured out what to do with all the money I save recycling your one roomful of air. When you die, I'm going to laminate your skeleton and pose you in the lobby. That way future generations can learn from you how not to have your unfortunate bone structure.
Listens:
903
Who:
GLaDOS
If you're dying, but not dead, stomp once. If you're dead, obviously no stomps. And two stomps if you're not dead. Lemme just run through that again: If you're dying but not dead stomp just once. If you're dead, obviously you won't be stomping. And if you're not dead, give me two stomps.
Listens:
903
Who:
Wheatley
NO.
Listens:
900
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh! You came back! Didn't actually plan... for that. Can't actually reset the death trap. So. Ah. Could you jump into that pit, there? Would you just jump into that pit for me?
Listens:
900
Who:
Wheatley
00:00 / 00:00
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