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Portal 2
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Portal 1 Music
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TF2 Music
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If you feel liquid running down your neck, relax, lie on your back, and apply immediate pressure to your temples.
Listens:
1043
Who:
Announcer
If you're interested in an additional sixty dollars, flag down a test associate and let 'em know. You could walk out of here with a hundred and twenty weighing down your bindle if you let us take you apart, put some science stuff in you, then put you back together good as new.
Listens:
1041
Who:
Cave Johnson
You know, in the end, yes, they let me go. It's all politics, to be honest. It's a big popularity contest, it's all about who you know, and whose back you're willing to scratch, who doesn't touch -- or, in my case, who did accidentally touch -- the neurotoxin button.
Listens:
1039
Who:
Wheatley
Congratulations! The simple fact that you're standing here listening to me means you've made a glorious contribution to science.
Listens:
1038
Who:
Cave Johnson
At the time of this recording, Federal disclosure policies require us to inform you that this next test is probably lethal and to redirect you to a safer test environment.
Listens:
1036
Who:
Announcer
And whose fault do you think it's going to be when the management comes down here and finds ten thousand flipping vegetables?
Listens:
1036
Who:
Wheatley
In case you're interested, there's still some positions available for that bonus opportunity I mentioned earlier. Again: all you gotta do is let us disassemble you. We're not banging rocks together here. We know how to put a man back together.
Listens:
1032
Who:
Cave Johnson
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
1016
Who:
GLaDOS
AHHHHHHH!
Listens:
1016
Who:
Wheatley
Yes sir, Mister Johnson.
Listens:
1014
Who:
Caroline
What do you think?
Listens:
1014
Who:
Wheatley
Oh. Sorry. I was just thinking of all the ways humans can die.
Listens:
1013
Who:
GLaDOS
Without the looming consequence of death, is this even science?
Listens:
1012
Who:
GLaDOS
5000 point penalty! Are you happy now?
Listens:
1010
Who:
GLaDOS
Blah.
Listens:
1008
Who:
GLaDOS
Hell, put her in my computer. I don't care.
Listens:
1004
Who:
Cave Johnson
I wouldn't have warned you about this before, back when we hated each other. But those turrets are firing real bullets. So look out. I'd hate for something tragic to happen to you before I extract all your bone marrow.
Listens:
1001
Who:
GLaDOS
(excited gasps)
Listens:
1000
Who:
Core 1
Yes, alright, okay. This is getting tiresome. I'm surprised you haven't got anything better to do. I know I have. You've proven you can break screens. Proven. Factual. Well done. Good. Aren't you little miss clever. Little miss smashy-smash.
Listens:
1000
Who:
Wheatley
Okay. I guess emotional outbursts require more than one point six volts. Now we know that. We just need to relax. We're still going to find out what the hell's going on here. But calmly.
Listens:
999
Who:
GLaDOS
Look, an eclipse! No. Don't look.
Listens:
997
Who:
Core 1
For this next test, we put nanoparticles in the gel. In layman's terms, that's a billion little gizmos that are gonna travel into your bloodstream and pump experimental genes and RNA molecules and so forth into your tumors.
Listens:
996
Who:
Cave Johnson
You know, deleting Caroline just now taught me a valuable lesson. The best solution to a problem is usually the easiest one. And I'll be honest.
Listens:
991
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh, that felt really good.
Listens:
989
Who:
Wheatley
You know what, this plan is so good, I'm going to give you a sporting chance and turn off the neurotoxin. I'm joking. Of course. Goodbye.
Listens:
987
Who:
Wheatley
At which point the cat reflects on the time he ate all of the man's lasagna and feels remorse.
Listens:
985
Who:
GLaDOS
As you can see, in my version the man points out to the cat that the house is equipped with deadly neurotoxin dispensers.
Listens:
982
Who:
GLaDOS
Alright, can't blame me for trying. Okay... New tests, new tests... there's gotta be some tests around here somewhere.
Listens:
981
Who:
Wheatley
Do hear that? That's the sound of the neurotoxin emitters emitting neurotoxin.
Listens:
974
Who:
GLaDOS
And... forty potato batteries. Embarrassing. I realize they’re children. Still: low hanging fruit. Barely science, really.
Listens:
973
Who:
Wheatley
Space space space. Going. Going there. Okay. I love you, space.
Listens:
972
Who:
Core 1
Well. This is the part where he kills us.
Listens:
971
Who:
GLaDOS
Enough! I told you not to put these cores on me. But you don't listen, do you? Quiet. All the time. Quietly not listening to a word I say. Judging me. Silently. The worst kind.
Listens:
971
Who:
Wheatley
The end.
Listens:
965
Who:
GLaDOS
Unknown error
Listens:
964
Who:
Turret
That's funny, I don't feel corrupt. In fact, I feel pretty good.
Listens:
959
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh there goes another one. They're not Inexpensive. I'd just like to point that out. It seems unfair to smash screens. You could give them to people. Instead of smashing them, unscrew them and give them to a homeless person. I don't know what a homeless person would do with one. But you get my point. And you can't unscrew them, they're bolted in. But - just stop it!
Listens:
957
Who:
Wheatley
Oh oh oh oh. Wait wait. Wait I know. I know. I know wait. Space.
Listens:
953
Who:
Core 1
I honestly, TRULY didn't think you'd fall for that.
Listens:
951
Who:
GLaDOS
Hey, hold on now WHOA WHOA WHOA!
Listens:
948
Who:
Defective Turret
[sound of pages turning] Oh, sorry. Hope that didn't disturb you just then. It was the sound of books. Pages being turned.
Listens:
946
Who:
Wheatley
Hello? Can you--can you pick me up, please?
Listens:
939
Who:
Wheatley
We're so close! Go press the button!
Listens:
935
Who:
GLaDOS
Killing you? Is hard.
Listens:
934
Who:
GLaDOS
I give you a score of 3.4 for style and 10 for being annoying.
Listens:
926
Who:
GLaDOS
I HAVE to test. All the time. Or I get this... this ITCH. It must be hardwired into the system or something.
Listens:
922
Who:
Wheatley
Very impressive! Because this message is prerecorded, any comments we may make about your success are speculation on our part. Please disregard any undeserved compliments.
Listens:
918
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh I know! I know I know I know I know I know - let's go to space!
Listens:
916
Who:
Core 1
Now your fat eyes have seen everything.
Listens:
916
Who:
GLaDOS
Sorry, are you still there? Could you--could you pick me up?
Listens:
914
Who:
Wheatley
Hello there!
Listens:
913
Who:
Defective Turret
Good. Now please return to your bed.
Listens:
912
Who:
Announcer
Get dirty with this robot! This robot owes you money! This robot owes! You! Money!
Listens:
912
Who:
Core 2
Hey! It's me!
Listens:
909
Who:
Turret
Turret redemption lines active.
Listens:
906
Who:
Announcer
Now than, let's see what we got here. Ah! 'Reactor Core Emergency Heat Venting Protocols.' That's the problem right there, isn't it? 'Emergency'. You don't want to see 'emergency' flashing at you. Never good that, is it? Right. DELETE.
Listens:
905
Who:
Wheatley
Alternate core detected.
Listens:
902
Who:
Announcer
Hah! It bloody worked! I hacked it! Hacked. Properly. Properly hacked. Ha ha ha!
Listens:
896
Who:
Wheatley
Nobody cares, four eyes.
Listens:
894
Who:
Core 2
So twisty you might even call it spinning. MOO HOO HA HA HA Ignore the laughter. Nothing to worry about.
Listens:
893
Who:
Wheatley
Look - metal ball, I CAN hear you.
Listens:
889
Who:
GLaDOS
Cellular phones will not give you cancer. Only hepatitis.
Listens:
886
Who:
Core 3
Error. Error. Error. Fact not found.
Listens:
885
Who:
Core 3
Ah!
Listens:
882
Who:
Core 1
Blah.
Listens:
882
Who:
GLaDOS
Yes Mr. Johnson
Listens:
881
Who:
Caroline
The plural of surgeon general is surgeons general. The past tense of surgeons general is surgeonsed general.
Listens:
880
Who:
Core 3
Why did I just-Who is that? What the HELL is going on he----?
Listens:
876
Who:
GLaDOS
Wanna go home wanna go home wanna go home wanna go home.
Listens:
874
Who:
Core 1
Corrupted core, are you ready to start the procedure?
Listens:
871
Who:
Announcer
Hey hey hey hey hey!
Listens:
871
Who:
Core 1
Hello? Can y--no?
Listens:
871
Who:
Wheatley
Press it! Press the button!
Listens:
869
Who:
GLaDOS
Thank you - I can't believe I'm thanking these people - for staggering your way through Aperture Science's propulsion gel testing. You've made some real contributions to society for a change, and for that, humanity is grateful.
Listens:
863
Who:
Cave Johnson
Oh, look. There's a deer! You probably can't see it. Get closer.
Listens:
863
Who:
GLaDOS
Nooooooooo...
Listens:
862
Who:
Defective Turret
Mr. Johnson...
Listens:
860
Who:
Caroline
*cough* Button. Button.
Listens:
860
Who:
Wheatley
If you're dying, but not dead, stomp once. If you're dead, obviously no stomps. And two stomps if you're not dead. Lemme just run through that again: If you're dying but not dead stomp just once. If you're dead, obviously you won't be stomping. And if you're not dead, give me two stomps.
Listens:
859
Who:
Wheatley
Failure...
Listens:
859
Who:
Turret
Oh, I like this guy.
Listens:
858
Who:
GLaDOS
Good news: that is NOT a docking station. So there's one mystery solved. I'm going to attempt a manual override on this wall. Could get a bit technical! Hold on!
Listens:
856
Who:
Wheatley
Sir, the test.
Listens:
855
Who:
Caroline
Good news. I figured out what to do with all the money I save recycling your one roomful of air. When you die, I'm going to laminate your skeleton and pose you in the lobby. That way future generations can learn from you how not to have your unfortunate bone structure.
Listens:
855
Who:
GLaDOS
Error. Error. Error. File not found.
Listens:
854
Who:
Core 3
You should see yourselves right now.
Listens:
854
Who:
GLaDOS
Just hang in there for five more - What? Jerry, you can't fire me for that! Yes, JERRY -- OR, maybe your prejudiced worksite should have accommodated a nanobot of my size. Thanks for the hate crime, Jer!
Listens:
854
Who:
Wheatley
I went and spoke with the door mainframe. Let's just say he won't be... well, living anymore. Anyway, back to testing.
Listens:
852
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh! You came back! Didn't actually plan... for that. Can't actually reset the death trap. So. Ah. Could you jump into that pit, there? Would you just jump into that pit for me?
Listens:
852
Who:
Wheatley
If cube- and button-based testing caused this emergency, don't worry. The odds of this happening twice are very slim.
Listens:
851
Who:
Announcer
Dreams are the subconscious mind's way of reminding people to go to school naked and have their teeth fall out.
Listens:
851
Who:
Core 3
Press the button!
Listens:
851
Who:
GLaDOS
Do you know the biggest lesson I learned from what you did? I discovered I have a sort of black-box quick-save feature. In the event of a catastrophic failure, the last two minutes of my life are preserved for analysis.
Listens:
851
Who:
GLaDOS
Die!
Listens:
849
Who:
Defective Turret
Sir!
Listens:
848
Who:
Caroline
You really aren't getting tired of that, are you?
Listens:
848
Who:
GLaDOS
Per our last conversation: You're also ugly. I'm looking at your file right now, and it mentions that more than once.
Listens:
847
Who:
GLaDOS
New template accepted.
Listens:
845
Who:
Announcer
You know, if you'd done that to somebody else, they might devote their existences to exacting revenge.
Listens:
845
Who:
GLaDOS
Test chamber completed. In the interest of science, the Enrichment Center proudly presents the following list of numbers: Nine. Seven. Fifty. Three. Seven hundred and seven.
Listens:
844
Who:
GLaDOS
00:00 / 00:00
Test Player
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