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Portal 2
Portal 2 DLC
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Portal 1 Music
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TF2 Music
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We made it we made it we made it. Space!
Listens:
2812
Who:
Core 1
To maintain a constant testing cycle, I simulate daylight at all hours and add adrenal vapor to your oxygen supply. So you may be confused about the passage of time. The point is, yesterday was your birthday. I thought you'd want to know.
Listens:
2784
Who:
GLaDOS
We will attempt to comply with these now non-existent agencies by playing some more smooth jazz.
Listens:
2754
Who:
Announcer
I shouldn't spoil this, but... remember how I'm going to live forever, but you're going to be dead in sixty years? Well, I've been working on a present for you. Well, I guess it's more of a medical procedure. Well, technically it's more of a medical experiment. You know how excruciating it is when someone removes all of your bone marrow? Well, what if after I did that, I put something back IN that added four years to your life?
Listens:
2721
Who:
GLaDOS
And we would have talked our way out of it. Oh! Except you forgot to tell me you'd murdered her. And that she needed you to live, so the only available vent for her rage would be good old crushable Wheatley. Yeah. Little details I remember. Easy little tidbits you could have used to save me from getting crushed if you'd cared, which you didn't, obviously. And still don't.
Listens:
2719
Who:
Wheatley
Oh, that's sad. But impressive. Maybe they worked at the phone company.
Listens:
2716
Who:
GLaDOS
Hey lady. Lady. I'm the best. I'm the best at space.
Listens:
2712
Who:
Core 1
We're a lot alike, you and I. You tested me. I tested you. You killed me. I--oh, no, wait. I guess I HAVEN'T killed you yet. Well. Food for thought.
Listens:
2712
Who:
GLaDOS
So. Welcome to Aperture. You're here because we want the best, and you're it. Nope. Couldn't keep a straight face.
Listens:
2697
Who:
Cave Johnson
Excellent! You're a predator and these tests are your prey. Speaking of which, I was researching sharks for an upcoming test. Do you know who else murders people who are only trying to help them?
Listens:
2697
Who:
GLaDOS
Ayeyeyeyeye
Listens:
2692
Who:
Turret
The lab boys just informed me that I should not have mentioned the control group. They're telling me I oughtta stop making these pre-recorded messages. That gave me an idea: make more pre-recorded messages. I pay the bills here, I can talk about the control group all damn day.
Listens:
2689
Who:
Cave Johnson
Who ARE you?
Listens:
2684
Who:
Turret
In Greek myth, Prometheus stole fire from the Gods and gave it to humankind. The jewelry he kept for himself.
Listens:
2683
Who:
Core 3
If you've cut yourself at all in the course of these tests, you might have noticed that your blood is pure gasoline. That's normal. We've been shooting you with an invisible laser that's supposed to turn blood into gasoline, so all that means is, it's working.
Listens:
2669
Who:
Cave Johnson
If you are a non-employee who has discovered this facility amid the ruins of civilization, welcome! And remember: Testing is the future, and the future starts with you.
Listens:
2659
Who:
Announcer
Could you come over here?
Listens:
2657
Who:
Turret
We're still doing science sir.
Listens:
2631
Who:
Caroline
Where am I? Guess. Guess guess guess. I'm in space.
Listens:
2607
Who:
Core 1
Space going to space can't wait.
Listens:
2600
Who:
Core 1
Moo hoo ha ha ha ha...
Listens:
2600
Who:
Defective Turret
Oh, it's fluttering its wings. Tell you what, mate. I'll come in there for a minute and cover you so you can have a look at this lovely bird! I'll come in. I'll do all the neurotoxin stuff. And then you come out here and look at this. Because it is lovely. It is lovely. You want to get out here fast. Seriously, my pleasure sounds are going to frighten the bird away any second. Ohhh, it's not working, is it? He's not interested in bloody birds.
Listens:
2596
Who:
Wheatley
Otherwise, I'm afraid you're about to become the immediate past president of the Being Alive club. Ha ha.
Listens:
2592
Who:
GLaDOS
If you have trouble with simple counting, use the following mnemonic device: one comes before two comes before 60 comes after 12 comes before six trillion comes after 504. This will make your earlier counting difficulties seem like no big deal.
Listens:
2579
Who:
Core 3
Reactor Explosion Timer destroyed.
Listens:
2568
Who:
Announcer
Powerup complete.
Listens:
2568
Who:
Announcer
You know how I'm going to live forever, but you're going to be dead in sixty years? Well, I've been working on a belated birthday present for you. Well... more of a belated birthday medical procedure. Well. Technically, it's a medical EXPERIMENT. What's important is, it's a present.
Listens:
2553
Who:
GLaDOS
Yeah. Clickety click click. Right on the money.
Listens:
2548
Who:
Defective Turret
Excuse me, you’re squishing me.
Listens:
2540
Who:
Turret
Annnnnnnnd... Nothing.
Listens:
2539
Who:
Wheatley
Nap time
Listens:
2531
Who:
Turret
Great work! Because this message is prerecorded, any observations related to your performance are speculation on our part. Please disregard any undeserved compliments.
Listens:
2501
Who:
Announcer
Goodbye!
Listens:
2495
Who:
Turret
I did everything you asked!
Listens:
2486
Who:
Turret
The situation you are in is very dangerous.
Listens:
2478
Who:
Core 3
William Shakespeare did not exist. His plays were masterminded in 1589 by Francis Bacon, who used a Ouija board to enslave play-writing ghosts.
Listens:
2477
Who:
Core 3
And then you showed up. You dangerous, mute lunatic. So you know what?
Listens:
2466
Who:
GLaDOS
Wheeeeeeee!
Listens:
2457
Who:
Turret
Blue, I agree. I never noticed that about Orange before.
Listens:
2455
Who:
GLaDOS
You're saying to yourself, why should I jump into the pit? I'll tell you why. Guess who's down there? Your parents! You're not adopted after all! It's your natural parents down there in the pit. Should have mentioned it before. But I didn't. So jump on down and reunite with mommy and daddy.
Listens:
2434
Who:
Wheatley
You did WHAT?
Listens:
2414
Who:
Wheatley
Since making test participation mandatory for all employees, the quality of our test subjects has risen dramatically. Employee retention, however, has not.
Listens:
2407
Who:
Cave Johnson
Deploying
Listens:
2397
Who:
Turret
I am!
Listens:
2393
Who:
Caroline
Welcome to the Computer Intelligence Training and Enrichment Center Human Test Subject Research Center. You have unlocked all available courses.
Listens:
2383
Who:
Announcer
Space!
Listens:
2357
Who:
Core 1
Some emergency testing may require prolonged interaction with lethal military androids. Rest assured that all lethal military androids have been taught to read and provided with one copy of the Laws of Robotics. To share.
Listens:
2337
Who:
Announcer
Oh, brilliant. You DID find a portal gun! You know what? It just goes to show: people with brain damage are the real heroes in the end aren't they? At the end of the day. Brave.
Listens:
2337
Who:
Wheatley
Pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out!
Listens:
2329
Who:
Wheatley
Wait wait wait wait. I know I know I know. Lady wait. Wait. I know. Wait. Space.
Listens:
2301
Who:
Core 1
Atmosphere. Black holes. Astronauts. Nebulas. Jupiter. The Big Dipper.
Listens:
2283
Who:
Core 1
Awwww
Listens:
2281
Who:
Turret
Sorry
Listens:
2271
Who:
Turret
Hello again. Sorry about exploding you. Luckily, you don't feel pain. At any rate, you don't have a way to communicate that you feel pain.
Listens:
2229
Who:
GLaDOS
I see you
Listens:
2228
Who:
Turret
Wanna go to earth wanna go to earth wanna go to earth wanna go to earth. Wanna go to earth.
Listens:
2221
Who:
Core 1
Why...
Listens:
2195
Who:
Turret
It burns.
Listens:
2181
Who:
Turret
You will hear a buzzer. When you hear the buzzer, look up at the ceiling. [BUZZER]
Listens:
2179
Who:
Announcer
Oh, it's a core you've put on me! Who told you to do that? Was it her? [as if he's looking around] It's just making me stronger, luv! It's a fool's errand!
Listens:
2177
Who:
Wheatley
Hello?
Listens:
2172
Who:
Turret
Ah, I see. Clever. Verrrrrrry clever.
Listens:
2166
Who:
Wheatley
Good!
Listens:
2164
Who:
Announcer
That isn't science.
Listens:
2163
Who:
GLaDOS
Not bad. I forgot how good you are at this. You should pace yourself, though. We have A LOT of tests to do.
Listens:
2163
Who:
GLaDOS
The Fact Sphere is not defective. Its facts are wholly accurate and very interesting.
Listens:
2157
Who:
Core 3
No! Don't! No! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Listens:
2147
Who:
Wheatley
If you need to go to the bathroom after this next series of tests, please let a test associate know, because in all likelihood, whatever comes out of you is going to be coal. Only temporary, so do not worry. If it persists for a week, though, start worrying and come see us, because that's not supposed to happen.
Listens:
2135
Who:
Cave Johnson
Brain Mapping. Artificial Intelligence. We should have been working on it thirty years ago. I will say this - and I'm gonna say it on tape so everybody hears it a hundred times a day: If I die before you people can pour me into a computer, I want Caroline to run this place.
Listens:
2134
Who:
Cave Johnson
Template
Listens:
2130
Who:
Announcer
Are you still there? Can you pick me up, do you think? If you are there?
Listens:
2123
Who:
Wheatley
Hey! It's me!
Listens:
2117
Who:
Turret
Oh my god.
Listens:
2115
Who:
GLaDOS
Hey, be a sport lady, and just tell him I killed you.
Listens:
2107
Who:
Defective Turret
Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve.
Listens:
2103
Who:
Core 3
Hello.
Listens:
2102
Who:
Defective Turret
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
2097
Who:
GLaDOS
WHAT ARE YOU DOING WE DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT BUTTON - oh, the door's open! Well done. Let's see what's inside.
Listens:
2085
Who:
Wheatley
And to your right, something huge hurtling towards you OH GOD RUN! THAT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THERE.
Listens:
2084
Who:
Wheatley
Puppet master! You're a puppet in a play, and I hold all the strings! And cards, still. Cards in one hand, strings in the other. And I'm making you dance like a puppet. Playing cards.
Listens:
2081
Who:
Wheatley
She is a gem.
Listens:
2076
Who:
Cave Johnson
The most poisonous fish in the world is the orange ruffy. Everything but its eyes are made of a deadly poison. The ruffy's eyes are composed of a less harmful, deadly poison.
Listens:
2073
Who:
Core 3
Alright, then. Let us see... 'Vital maintenance protocols.' Wow, there are a lot of them. Should have looked into this earlier. Well, let's try this: [reading while typing] DO THEM. [failure buzzer]. Fair enough. Maybe it's a password.
Listens:
2064
Who:
Wheatley
Activated
Listens:
2061
Who:
Turret
You never considered that maybe I tested you to give the endless hours of your pointless existence some structure and meaning. Maybe to help you concentrate, so just maybe you’d think of something more worthwhile to do with your sorry life.
Listens:
2057
Who:
GLaDOS
Preparing to dispense product
Listens:
2037
Who:
Turret
Did you hear that? I think something just exploded. Man, we are in a lot of danger. This is like Christmas. No, it's better than Christmas. This should be its own holiday. Explosion Day!
Listens:
2018
Who:
Core 2
Undelete, undelete! Where's the undelete button?
Listens:
2016
Who:
Wheatley
That jumpsuit you're wearing looks stupid. That's not me talking, it's right here in your file. On other people it looks fine, but right here a scientist has noted that on you it looks 'stupid.'
Listens:
2008
Who:
GLaDOS
Hmmm. Hmmmmmm. Hmm. Hmmmmm. Space!
Listens:
2005
Who:
Core 1
We haven't entirely nailed down what element it is yet, but I'll tell you this: it's a lively one, and it does NOT like the human skeleton.
Listens:
2004
Who:
Cave Johnson
Corrupted Core: are you ready to start?
Listens:
2001
Who:
Announcer
Stalemate detected. Transfer procedure cannot continue.
Listens:
1994
Who:
Announcer
You broke it, didn't you.
Listens:
1992
Who:
GLaDOS
We're in space!
Listens:
1990
Who:
Wheatley
Stalemate Resolution Associate: Please press the Stalemate Resolution Button.
Listens:
1989
Who:
Announcer
Go on. Get a big fat eyeful. With your big fat eyes.
Listens:
1989
Who:
GLaDOS
[to self] Hm. Could be Spanish, could be Spanish. [loud again] Hola, amigo! Abre la puerta! Donde esta--no. Um...
Listens:
1988
Who:
Wheatley
That's right. The facility is completely operational again.
Listens:
1985
Who:
GLaDOS
Now, maybe you don't have any tumors. Well, don't worry. If you sat on a folding chair in the lobby and weren't wearing lead underpants, we took care of that too.
Listens:
1974
Who:
Cave Johnson
00:00 / 00:00
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