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Hey lady. Lady. I'm the best. I'm the best at space.
Listens:
2370
Who:
Core 1
We're a lot alike, you and I. You tested me. I tested you. You killed me. I--oh, no, wait. I guess I HAVEN'T killed you yet. Well. Food for thought.
Listens:
2366
Who:
GLaDOS
If you've cut yourself at all in the course of these tests, you might have noticed that your blood is pure gasoline. That's normal. We've been shooting you with an invisible laser that's supposed to turn blood into gasoline, so all that means is, it's working.
Listens:
2364
Who:
Cave Johnson
Oh, that's sad. But impressive. Maybe they worked at the phone company.
Listens:
2362
Who:
GLaDOS
Now it's broken turret's time to shine!
Listens:
2349
Who:
Defective Turret
We're still doing science sir.
Listens:
2338
Who:
Caroline
Where am I? Guess. Guess guess guess. I'm in space.
Listens:
2336
Who:
Core 1
Excellent! You're a predator and these tests are your prey. Speaking of which, I was researching sharks for an upcoming test. Do you know who else murders people who are only trying to help them?
Listens:
2334
Who:
GLaDOS
If you are a non-employee who has discovered this facility amid the ruins of civilization, welcome! And remember: Testing is the future, and the future starts with you.
Listens:
2328
Who:
Announcer
You know how I'm going to live forever, but you're going to be dead in sixty years? Well, I've been working on a belated birthday present for you. Well... more of a belated birthday medical procedure. Well. Technically, it's a medical EXPERIMENT. What's important is, it's a present.
Listens:
2325
Who:
GLaDOS
Well, hello, stranger!
Listens:
2316
Who:
Defective Turret
If you have trouble with simple counting, use the following mnemonic device: one comes before two comes before 60 comes after 12 comes before six trillion comes after 504. This will make your earlier counting difficulties seem like no big deal.
Listens:
2300
Who:
Core 3
Oh, it's fluttering its wings. Tell you what, mate. I'll come in there for a minute and cover you so you can have a look at this lovely bird! I'll come in. I'll do all the neurotoxin stuff. And then you come out here and look at this. Because it is lovely. It is lovely. You want to get out here fast. Seriously, my pleasure sounds are going to frighten the bird away any second. Ohhh, it's not working, is it? He's not interested in bloody birds.
Listens:
2300
Who:
Wheatley
I shouldn't spoil this, but... remember how I'm going to live forever, but you're going to be dead in sixty years? Well, I've been working on a present for you. Well, I guess it's more of a medical procedure. Well, technically it's more of a medical experiment. You know how excruciating it is when someone removes all of your bone marrow? Well, what if after I did that, I put something back IN that added four years to your life?
Listens:
2289
Who:
GLaDOS
Space going to space can't wait.
Listens:
2286
Who:
Core 1
To maintain a constant testing cycle, I simulate daylight at all hours and add adrenal vapor to your oxygen supply. So you may be confused about the passage of time. The point is, yesterday was your birthday. I thought you'd want to know.
Listens:
2282
Who:
GLaDOS
Otherwise, I'm afraid you're about to become the immediate past president of the Being Alive club. Ha ha.
Listens:
2260
Who:
GLaDOS
William Shakespeare did not exist. His plays were masterminded in 1589 by Francis Bacon, who used a Ouija board to enslave play-writing ghosts.
Listens:
2252
Who:
Core 3
Could you come over here?
Listens:
2248
Who:
Turret
Great work! Because this message is prerecorded, any observations related to your performance are speculation on our part. Please disregard any undeserved compliments.
Listens:
2223
Who:
Announcer
The situation you are in is very dangerous.
Listens:
2217
Who:
Core 3
Who ARE you?
Listens:
2199
Who:
Turret
You're saying to yourself, why should I jump into the pit? I'll tell you why. Guess who's down there? Your parents! You're not adopted after all! It's your natural parents down there in the pit. Should have mentioned it before. But I didn't. So jump on down and reunite with mommy and daddy.
Listens:
2189
Who:
Wheatley
Moo hoo ha ha ha ha...
Listens:
2169
Who:
Defective Turret
Nap time
Listens:
2163
Who:
Turret
Yeah. Clickety click click. Right on the money.
Listens:
2151
Who:
Defective Turret
Powerup complete.
Listens:
2144
Who:
Announcer
Annnnnnnnd... Nothing.
Listens:
2141
Who:
Wheatley
And then you showed up. You dangerous, mute lunatic. So you know what?
Listens:
2122
Who:
GLaDOS
Since making test participation mandatory for all employees, the quality of our test subjects has risen dramatically. Employee retention, however, has not.
Listens:
2106
Who:
Cave Johnson
Ayeyeyeyeye
Listens:
2091
Who:
Turret
Some emergency testing may require prolonged interaction with lethal military androids. Rest assured that all lethal military androids have been taught to read and provided with one copy of the Laws of Robotics. To share.
Listens:
2084
Who:
Announcer
Reactor Explosion Timer destroyed.
Listens:
2081
Who:
Announcer
Oh, brilliant. You DID find a portal gun! You know what? It just goes to show: people with brain damage are the real heroes in the end aren't they? At the end of the day. Brave.
Listens:
2080
Who:
Wheatley
Goodbye!
Listens:
2072
Who:
Turret
Pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out!
Listens:
2057
Who:
Wheatley
Welcome to the Computer Intelligence Training and Enrichment Center Human Test Subject Research Center. You have unlocked all available courses.
Listens:
2055
Who:
Announcer
I am!
Listens:
2027
Who:
Caroline
I did everything you asked!
Listens:
2027
Who:
Turret
You did WHAT?
Listens:
2014
Who:
Wheatley
Not bad. I forgot how good you are at this. You should pace yourself, though. We have A LOT of tests to do.
Listens:
2003
Who:
GLaDOS
Excuse me, you’re squishing me.
Listens:
1990
Who:
Turret
Wait wait wait wait. I know I know I know. Lady wait. Wait. I know. Wait. Space.
Listens:
1984
Who:
Core 1
Deploying
Listens:
1984
Who:
Turret
Space!
Listens:
1966
Who:
Core 1
Atmosphere. Black holes. Astronauts. Nebulas. Jupiter. The Big Dipper.
Listens:
1965
Who:
Core 1
The Fact Sphere is not defective. Its facts are wholly accurate and very interesting.
Listens:
1948
Who:
Core 3
Oh, it's a core you've put on me! Who told you to do that? Was it her? [as if he's looking around] It's just making me stronger, luv! It's a fool's errand!
Listens:
1943
Who:
Wheatley
Hello again. Sorry about exploding you. Luckily, you don't feel pain. At any rate, you don't have a way to communicate that you feel pain.
Listens:
1939
Who:
GLaDOS
Are you still there? Can you pick me up, do you think? If you are there?
Listens:
1921
Who:
Wheatley
If you need to go to the bathroom after this next series of tests, please let a test associate know, because in all likelihood, whatever comes out of you is going to be coal. Only temporary, so do not worry. If it persists for a week, though, start worrying and come see us, because that's not supposed to happen.
Listens:
1903
Who:
Cave Johnson
Wheeeeeeee!
Listens:
1892
Who:
Turret
That isn't science.
Listens:
1879
Who:
GLaDOS
Did you hear that? I think something just exploded. Man, we are in a lot of danger. This is like Christmas. No, it's better than Christmas. This should be its own holiday. Explosion Day!
Listens:
1874
Who:
Core 2
clickclickclick
Listens:
1871
Who:
Defective Turret
The most poisonous fish in the world is the orange ruffy. Everything but its eyes are made of a deadly poison. The ruffy's eyes are composed of a less harmful, deadly poison.
Listens:
1869
Who:
Core 3
Sorry
Listens:
1859
Who:
Turret
Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve.
Listens:
1852
Who:
Core 3
Ah, I see. Clever. Verrrrrrry clever.
Listens:
1836
Who:
Wheatley
Brain Mapping. Artificial Intelligence. We should have been working on it thirty years ago. I will say this - and I'm gonna say it on tape so everybody hears it a hundred times a day: If I die before you people can pour me into a computer, I want Caroline to run this place.
Listens:
1826
Who:
Cave Johnson
She is a gem.
Listens:
1826
Who:
Cave Johnson
Puppet master! You're a puppet in a play, and I hold all the strings! And cards, still. Cards in one hand, strings in the other. And I'm making you dance like a puppet. Playing cards.
Listens:
1819
Who:
Wheatley
You never considered that maybe I tested you to give the endless hours of your pointless existence some structure and meaning. Maybe to help you concentrate, so just maybe you’d think of something more worthwhile to do with your sorry life.
Listens:
1813
Who:
GLaDOS
I see you
Listens:
1809
Who:
Turret
Oh my god.
Listens:
1804
Who:
GLaDOS
Alright, then. Let us see... 'Vital maintenance protocols.' Wow, there are a lot of them. Should have looked into this earlier. Well, let's try this: [reading while typing] DO THEM. [failure buzzer]. Fair enough. Maybe it's a password.
Listens:
1796
Who:
Wheatley
And to your right, something huge hurtling towards you OH GOD RUN! THAT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THERE.
Listens:
1783
Who:
Wheatley
You will hear a buzzer. When you hear the buzzer, look up at the ceiling. [BUZZER]
Listens:
1774
Who:
Announcer
That jumpsuit you're wearing looks stupid. That's not me talking, it's right here in your file. On other people it looks fine, but right here a scientist has noted that on you it looks 'stupid.'
Listens:
1772
Who:
GLaDOS
Why...
Listens:
1759
Who:
Turret
Here's the plan: Get him to say, 'You two have been a thorn in my side long enough.' Then tell your pretty ears to stand back, because I am going to zing him into space.
Listens:
1758
Who:
Core 2
Go on. Get a big fat eyeful. With your big fat eyes.
Listens:
1757
Who:
GLaDOS
We haven't entirely nailed down what element it is yet, but I'll tell you this: it's a lively one, and it does NOT like the human skeleton.
Listens:
1748
Who:
Cave Johnson
No! Don't! No! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Listens:
1748
Who:
Wheatley
Now, maybe you don't have any tumors. Well, don't worry. If you sat on a folding chair in the lobby and weren't wearing lead underpants, we took care of that too.
Listens:
1743
Who:
Cave Johnson
It burns.
Listens:
1742
Who:
Turret
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
1730
Who:
GLaDOS
89% of magic tricks are not magic. Technically, they are sorcery.
Listens:
1726
Who:
Core 3
Hmmm. Hmmmmmm. Hmm. Hmmmmm. Space!
Listens:
1714
Who:
Core 1
WHAT ARE YOU DOING WE DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT BUTTON - oh, the door's open! Well done. Let's see what's inside.
Listens:
1712
Who:
Wheatley
Awwww
Listens:
1710
Who:
Turret
Stalemate detected. Transfer procedure cannot continue.
Listens:
1707
Who:
Announcer
Undelete, undelete! Where's the undelete button?
Listens:
1707
Who:
Wheatley
Ha ha ha ha ha, good one.
Listens:
1704
Who:
GLaDOS
Hey, be a sport lady, and just tell him I killed you.
Listens:
1703
Who:
Defective Turret
Stalemate Resolution Associate: Please press the Stalemate Resolution Button.
Listens:
1693
Who:
Announcer
Don't think I'm not onto you too, lady. You know what you are? Selfish. I've done nothing but sacrifice to get us here! What have you sacrificed? NOTHING. Zero. All you've done is BOSS ME AROUND. Well, NOW who's the boss? Who's the boss? It's me!
Listens:
1691
Who:
Wheatley
We're in space!
Listens:
1688
Who:
Wheatley
Pants were invented by sailors in the sixteenth century to avoid Poseidon's wrath. It was believed that the sight of naked sailors angered the sea god.
Listens:
1686
Who:
Core 3
Good!
Listens:
1685
Who:
Announcer
Hello?
Listens:
1681
Who:
Turret
Preparing to dispense product
Listens:
1679
Who:
Turret
That's right. The facility is completely operational again.
Listens:
1678
Who:
GLaDOS
Going to space going there can't wait gotta go. Space. Going.
Listens:
1676
Who:
Core 1
But you were different weren't you? Such a good jumper. Problem solver. Clever. But ambitious. That's your Achilles Heel. Mine's-oh! Oh! Almost told you. Clever, clever girl. Again: brain damaged like a fox, you.
Listens:
1664
Who:
Wheatley
You know who found that interesting? Nobody. That didn't affect anybody's life in any way whatsoever. Life would be exactly the same if you hadn't said anything.
Listens:
1662
Who:
Core 2
You broke it, didn't you.
Listens:
1662
Who:
GLaDOS
[to self] Hm. Could be Spanish, could be Spanish. [loud again] Hola, amigo! Abre la puerta! Donde esta--no. Um...
Listens:
1654
Who:
Wheatley
Seriously, though. Goodbye.
Listens:
1650
Who:
GLaDOS
Ahhhohohhhh. Wow. Well done, seriously, both of you. Why don't you two go on ahead? I'll catch up with you.
Listens:
1649
Who:
Wheatley
00:00 / 00:00
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