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Portal 2
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Initiating surprise in three... two... one.
Listens:
3092
Who:
GLaDOS
To maintain a constant testing cycle, I simulate daylight at all hours and add adrenal vapor to your oxygen supply. So you may be confused about the passage of time. The point is, yesterday was your birthday. I thought you'd want to know.
Listens:
3075
Who:
GLaDOS
We made it we made it we made it. Space!
Listens:
3066
Who:
Core 1
Happy Explosion Day, gorgeous.
Listens:
3017
Who:
Core 2
I shouldn't spoil this, but... remember how I'm going to live forever, but you're going to be dead in sixty years? Well, I've been working on a present for you. Well, I guess it's more of a medical procedure. Well, technically it's more of a medical experiment. You know how excruciating it is when someone removes all of your bone marrow? Well, what if after I did that, I put something back IN that added four years to your life?
Listens:
2988
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh, that's sad. But impressive. Maybe they worked at the phone company.
Listens:
2982
Who:
GLaDOS
We're a lot alike, you and I. You tested me. I tested you. You killed me. I--oh, no, wait. I guess I HAVEN'T killed you yet. Well. Food for thought.
Listens:
2954
Who:
GLaDOS
Excellent! You're a predator and these tests are your prey. Speaking of which, I was researching sharks for an upcoming test. Do you know who else murders people who are only trying to help them?
Listens:
2953
Who:
GLaDOS
We will attempt to comply with these now non-existent agencies by playing some more smooth jazz.
Listens:
2948
Who:
Announcer
And we would have talked our way out of it. Oh! Except you forgot to tell me you'd murdered her. And that she needed you to live, so the only available vent for her rage would be good old crushable Wheatley. Yeah. Little details I remember. Easy little tidbits you could have used to save me from getting crushed if you'd cared, which you didn't, obviously. And still don't.
Listens:
2942
Who:
Wheatley
Could you come over here?
Listens:
2931
Who:
Turret
Excuse me, you’re squishing me.
Listens:
2922
Who:
Turret
Reactor Explosion Timer destroyed.
Listens:
2906
Who:
Announcer
If you are a non-employee who has discovered this facility amid the ruins of civilization, welcome! And remember: Testing is the future, and the future starts with you.
Listens:
2899
Who:
Announcer
The lab boys just informed me that I should not have mentioned the control group. They're telling me I oughtta stop making these pre-recorded messages. That gave me an idea: make more pre-recorded messages. I pay the bills here, I can talk about the control group all damn day.
Listens:
2893
Who:
Cave Johnson
Powerup complete.
Listens:
2887
Who:
Announcer
Moo hoo ha ha ha ha...
Listens:
2886
Who:
Defective Turret
So. Welcome to Aperture. You're here because we want the best, and you're it. Nope. Couldn't keep a straight face.
Listens:
2883
Who:
Cave Johnson
Hey lady. Lady. I'm the best. I'm the best at space.
Listens:
2881
Who:
Core 1
Annnnnnnnd... Nothing.
Listens:
2876
Who:
Wheatley
Otherwise, I'm afraid you're about to become the immediate past president of the Being Alive club. Ha ha.
Listens:
2873
Who:
GLaDOS
In Greek myth, Prometheus stole fire from the Gods and gave it to humankind. The jewelry he kept for himself.
Listens:
2863
Who:
Core 3
Wheeeeeeee!
Listens:
2859
Who:
Turret
I did everything you asked!
Listens:
2828
Who:
Turret
Space going to space can't wait.
Listens:
2824
Who:
Core 1
If you've cut yourself at all in the course of these tests, you might have noticed that your blood is pure gasoline. That's normal. We've been shooting you with an invisible laser that's supposed to turn blood into gasoline, so all that means is, it's working.
Listens:
2821
Who:
Cave Johnson
Nap time
Listens:
2820
Who:
Turret
We're still doing science sir.
Listens:
2818
Who:
Caroline
Yeah. Clickety click click. Right on the money.
Listens:
2814
Who:
Defective Turret
If you have trouble with simple counting, use the following mnemonic device: one comes before two comes before 60 comes after 12 comes before six trillion comes after 504. This will make your earlier counting difficulties seem like no big deal.
Listens:
2802
Who:
Core 3
Oh, it's fluttering its wings. Tell you what, mate. I'll come in there for a minute and cover you so you can have a look at this lovely bird! I'll come in. I'll do all the neurotoxin stuff. And then you come out here and look at this. Because it is lovely. It is lovely. You want to get out here fast. Seriously, my pleasure sounds are going to frighten the bird away any second. Ohhh, it's not working, is it? He's not interested in bloody birds.
Listens:
2800
Who:
Wheatley
Goodbye!
Listens:
2785
Who:
Turret
Where am I? Guess. Guess guess guess. I'm in space.
Listens:
2780
Who:
Core 1
You know how I'm going to live forever, but you're going to be dead in sixty years? Well, I've been working on a belated birthday present for you. Well... more of a belated birthday medical procedure. Well. Technically, it's a medical EXPERIMENT. What's important is, it's a present.
Listens:
2725
Who:
GLaDOS
You did WHAT?
Listens:
2706
Who:
Wheatley
The situation you are in is very dangerous.
Listens:
2689
Who:
Core 3
William Shakespeare did not exist. His plays were masterminded in 1589 by Francis Bacon, who used a Ouija board to enslave play-writing ghosts.
Listens:
2674
Who:
Core 3
And then you showed up. You dangerous, mute lunatic. So you know what?
Listens:
2674
Who:
GLaDOS
Great work! Because this message is prerecorded, any observations related to your performance are speculation on our part. Please disregard any undeserved compliments.
Listens:
2666
Who:
Announcer
Deploying
Listens:
2652
Who:
Turret
I am!
Listens:
2636
Who:
Caroline
You're saying to yourself, why should I jump into the pit? I'll tell you why. Guess who's down there? Your parents! You're not adopted after all! It's your natural parents down there in the pit. Should have mentioned it before. But I didn't. So jump on down and reunite with mommy and daddy.
Listens:
2630
Who:
Wheatley
Since making test participation mandatory for all employees, the quality of our test subjects has risen dramatically. Employee retention, however, has not.
Listens:
2608
Who:
Cave Johnson
Welcome to the Computer Intelligence Training and Enrichment Center Human Test Subject Research Center. You have unlocked all available courses.
Listens:
2595
Who:
Announcer
Blue, I agree. I never noticed that about Orange before.
Listens:
2590
Who:
GLaDOS
Awwww
Listens:
2588
Who:
Turret
Space!
Listens:
2578
Who:
Core 1
Pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out!
Listens:
2573
Who:
Wheatley
Oh, brilliant. You DID find a portal gun! You know what? It just goes to show: people with brain damage are the real heroes in the end aren't they? At the end of the day. Brave.
Listens:
2541
Who:
Wheatley
Sorry
Listens:
2522
Who:
Turret
Hello?
Listens:
2518
Who:
Turret
Ah, I see. Clever. Verrrrrrry clever.
Listens:
2511
Who:
Wheatley
Some emergency testing may require prolonged interaction with lethal military androids. Rest assured that all lethal military androids have been taught to read and provided with one copy of the Laws of Robotics. To share.
Listens:
2498
Who:
Announcer
I see you
Listens:
2497
Who:
Turret
Atmosphere. Black holes. Astronauts. Nebulas. Jupiter. The Big Dipper.
Listens:
2490
Who:
Core 1
Wait wait wait wait. I know I know I know. Lady wait. Wait. I know. Wait. Space.
Listens:
2464
Who:
Core 1
Hello again. Sorry about exploding you. Luckily, you don't feel pain. At any rate, you don't have a way to communicate that you feel pain.
Listens:
2457
Who:
GLaDOS
No! Don't! No! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Listens:
2455
Who:
Wheatley
Hey! It's me!
Listens:
2455
Who:
Turret
Why...
Listens:
2451
Who:
Turret
Good!
Listens:
2450
Who:
Announcer
It burns.
Listens:
2418
Who:
Turret
Template
Listens:
2417
Who:
Announcer
You will hear a buzzer. When you hear the buzzer, look up at the ceiling. [BUZZER]
Listens:
2408
Who:
Announcer
Hello.
Listens:
2406
Who:
Defective Turret
Oh, it's a core you've put on me! Who told you to do that? Was it her? [as if he's looking around] It's just making me stronger, luv! It's a fool's errand!
Listens:
2383
Who:
Wheatley
Wanna go to earth wanna go to earth wanna go to earth wanna go to earth. Wanna go to earth.
Listens:
2373
Who:
Core 1
Oh my god.
Listens:
2368
Who:
GLaDOS
Brain Mapping. Artificial Intelligence. We should have been working on it thirty years ago. I will say this - and I'm gonna say it on tape so everybody hears it a hundred times a day: If I die before you people can pour me into a computer, I want Caroline to run this place.
Listens:
2352
Who:
Cave Johnson
Hey, be a sport lady, and just tell him I killed you.
Listens:
2334
Who:
Defective Turret
That isn't science.
Listens:
2333
Who:
GLaDOS
WHAT ARE YOU DOING WE DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT BUTTON - oh, the door's open! Well done. Let's see what's inside.
Listens:
2330
Who:
Wheatley
And to your right, something huge hurtling towards you OH GOD RUN! THAT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THERE.
Listens:
2323
Who:
Wheatley
The Fact Sphere is not defective. Its facts are wholly accurate and very interesting.
Listens:
2320
Who:
Core 3
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
2318
Who:
GLaDOS
Activated
Listens:
2303
Who:
Turret
If you need to go to the bathroom after this next series of tests, please let a test associate know, because in all likelihood, whatever comes out of you is going to be coal. Only temporary, so do not worry. If it persists for a week, though, start worrying and come see us, because that's not supposed to happen.
Listens:
2293
Who:
Cave Johnson
Not bad. I forgot how good you are at this. You should pace yourself, though. We have A LOT of tests to do.
Listens:
2288
Who:
GLaDOS
Grab me grab me grab me! Grab meeee!
Listens:
2287
Who:
Wheatley
Are you still there? Can you pick me up, do you think? If you are there?
Listens:
2283
Who:
Wheatley
Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve.
Listens:
2272
Who:
Core 3
Preparing to dispense product
Listens:
2270
Who:
Turret
She is a gem.
Listens:
2262
Who:
Cave Johnson
Puppet master! You're a puppet in a play, and I hold all the strings! And cards, still. Cards in one hand, strings in the other. And I'm making you dance like a puppet. Playing cards.
Listens:
2258
Who:
Wheatley
Corrupted Core: are you ready to start?
Listens:
2249
Who:
Announcer
You never considered that maybe I tested you to give the endless hours of your pointless existence some structure and meaning. Maybe to help you concentrate, so just maybe you’d think of something more worthwhile to do with your sorry life.
Listens:
2244
Who:
GLaDOS
Alright, then. Let us see... 'Vital maintenance protocols.' Wow, there are a lot of them. Should have looked into this earlier. Well, let's try this: [reading while typing] DO THEM. [failure buzzer]. Fair enough. Maybe it's a password.
Listens:
2244
Who:
Wheatley
That jumpsuit you're wearing looks stupid. That's not me talking, it's right here in your file. On other people it looks fine, but right here a scientist has noted that on you it looks 'stupid.'
Listens:
2242
Who:
GLaDOS
Response
Listens:
2230
Who:
Announcer
Stalemate Resolution Associate: Please press the Stalemate Resolution Button.
Listens:
2204
Who:
Announcer
Undelete, undelete! Where's the undelete button?
Listens:
2203
Who:
Wheatley
The most poisonous fish in the world is the orange ruffy. Everything but its eyes are made of a deadly poison. The ruffy's eyes are composed of a less harmful, deadly poison.
Listens:
2199
Who:
Core 3
That's right. The facility is completely operational again.
Listens:
2195
Who:
GLaDOS
[to self] Hm. Could be Spanish, could be Spanish. [loud again] Hola, amigo! Abre la puerta! Donde esta--no. Um...
Listens:
2190
Who:
Wheatley
Stalemate detected. Transfer procedure cannot continue.
Listens:
2187
Who:
Announcer
Hmmm. Hmmmmmm. Hmm. Hmmmmm. Space!
Listens:
2187
Who:
Core 1
Please prepare for emergency evacuation.
Listens:
2185
Who:
Announcer
Warning, sphere corruption at twenty-- rats cannot throw up.
Listens:
2185
Who:
Core 3
Hello?
Listens:
2184
Who:
Turret
We're in space!
Listens:
2181
Who:
Wheatley
00:00 / 00:00
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