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So. Welcome to Aperture. You're here because we want the best, and you're it. Nope. Couldn't keep a straight face.
Listens:
2438
Who:
Cave Johnson
Hey lady. Lady. I'm the best. I'm the best at space.
Listens:
2436
Who:
Core 1
Oh, that's sad. But impressive. Maybe they worked at the phone company.
Listens:
2434
Who:
GLaDOS
The lab boys just informed me that I should not have mentioned the control group. They're telling me I oughtta stop making these pre-recorded messages. That gave me an idea: make more pre-recorded messages. I pay the bills here, I can talk about the control group all damn day.
Listens:
2433
Who:
Cave Johnson
We're a lot alike, you and I. You tested me. I tested you. You killed me. I--oh, no, wait. I guess I HAVEN'T killed you yet. Well. Food for thought.
Listens:
2433
Who:
GLaDOS
If you've cut yourself at all in the course of these tests, you might have noticed that your blood is pure gasoline. That's normal. We've been shooting you with an invisible laser that's supposed to turn blood into gasoline, so all that means is, it's working.
Listens:
2409
Who:
Cave Johnson
Excellent! You're a predator and these tests are your prey. Speaking of which, I was researching sharks for an upcoming test. Do you know who else murders people who are only trying to help them?
Listens:
2394
Who:
GLaDOS
If you are a non-employee who has discovered this facility amid the ruins of civilization, welcome! And remember: Testing is the future, and the future starts with you.
Listens:
2388
Who:
Announcer
We're still doing science sir.
Listens:
2383
Who:
Caroline
Where am I? Guess. Guess guess guess. I'm in space.
Listens:
2379
Who:
Core 1
You know how I'm going to live forever, but you're going to be dead in sixty years? Well, I've been working on a belated birthday present for you. Well... more of a belated birthday medical procedure. Well. Technically, it's a medical EXPERIMENT. What's important is, it's a present.
Listens:
2379
Who:
GLaDOS
I shouldn't spoil this, but... remember how I'm going to live forever, but you're going to be dead in sixty years? Well, I've been working on a present for you. Well, I guess it's more of a medical procedure. Well, technically it's more of a medical experiment. You know how excruciating it is when someone removes all of your bone marrow? Well, what if after I did that, I put something back IN that added four years to your life?
Listens:
2376
Who:
GLaDOS
If you have trouble with simple counting, use the following mnemonic device: one comes before two comes before 60 comes after 12 comes before six trillion comes after 504. This will make your earlier counting difficulties seem like no big deal.
Listens:
2369
Who:
Core 3
To maintain a constant testing cycle, I simulate daylight at all hours and add adrenal vapor to your oxygen supply. So you may be confused about the passage of time. The point is, yesterday was your birthday. I thought you'd want to know.
Listens:
2363
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh, it's fluttering its wings. Tell you what, mate. I'll come in there for a minute and cover you so you can have a look at this lovely bird! I'll come in. I'll do all the neurotoxin stuff. And then you come out here and look at this. Because it is lovely. It is lovely. You want to get out here fast. Seriously, my pleasure sounds are going to frighten the bird away any second. Ohhh, it's not working, is it? He's not interested in bloody birds.
Listens:
2359
Who:
Wheatley
Space going to space can't wait.
Listens:
2339
Who:
Core 1
Could you come over here?
Listens:
2319
Who:
Turret
Otherwise, I'm afraid you're about to become the immediate past president of the Being Alive club. Ha ha.
Listens:
2315
Who:
GLaDOS
William Shakespeare did not exist. His plays were masterminded in 1589 by Francis Bacon, who used a Ouija board to enslave play-writing ghosts.
Listens:
2299
Who:
Core 3
Who ARE you?
Listens:
2288
Who:
Turret
Great work! Because this message is prerecorded, any observations related to your performance are speculation on our part. Please disregard any undeserved compliments.
Listens:
2275
Who:
Announcer
The situation you are in is very dangerous.
Listens:
2270
Who:
Core 3
Moo hoo ha ha ha ha...
Listens:
2244
Who:
Defective Turret
You're saying to yourself, why should I jump into the pit? I'll tell you why. Guess who's down there? Your parents! You're not adopted after all! It's your natural parents down there in the pit. Should have mentioned it before. But I didn't. So jump on down and reunite with mommy and daddy.
Listens:
2240
Who:
Wheatley
Yeah. Clickety click click. Right on the money.
Listens:
2238
Who:
Defective Turret
Nap time
Listens:
2221
Who:
Turret
Powerup complete.
Listens:
2216
Who:
Announcer
Annnnnnnnd... Nothing.
Listens:
2206
Who:
Wheatley
And then you showed up. You dangerous, mute lunatic. So you know what?
Listens:
2200
Who:
GLaDOS
Ayeyeyeyeye
Listens:
2196
Who:
Turret
Reactor Explosion Timer destroyed.
Listens:
2163
Who:
Announcer
Since making test participation mandatory for all employees, the quality of our test subjects has risen dramatically. Employee retention, however, has not.
Listens:
2163
Who:
Cave Johnson
Goodbye!
Listens:
2146
Who:
Turret
I did everything you asked!
Listens:
2144
Who:
Turret
Some emergency testing may require prolonged interaction with lethal military androids. Rest assured that all lethal military androids have been taught to read and provided with one copy of the Laws of Robotics. To share.
Listens:
2140
Who:
Announcer
Welcome to the Computer Intelligence Training and Enrichment Center Human Test Subject Research Center. You have unlocked all available courses.
Listens:
2132
Who:
Announcer
Oh, brilliant. You DID find a portal gun! You know what? It just goes to show: people with brain damage are the real heroes in the end aren't they? At the end of the day. Brave.
Listens:
2123
Who:
Wheatley
Pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out!
Listens:
2121
Who:
Wheatley
I am!
Listens:
2111
Who:
Caroline
You did WHAT?
Listens:
2100
Who:
Wheatley
Excuse me, you’re squishing me.
Listens:
2094
Who:
Turret
Deploying
Listens:
2059
Who:
Turret
Wait wait wait wait. I know I know I know. Lady wait. Wait. I know. Wait. Space.
Listens:
2039
Who:
Core 1
Space!
Listens:
2033
Who:
Core 1
Not bad. I forgot how good you are at this. You should pace yourself, though. We have A LOT of tests to do.
Listens:
2027
Who:
GLaDOS
Atmosphere. Black holes. Astronauts. Nebulas. Jupiter. The Big Dipper.
Listens:
2012
Who:
Core 1
Hello again. Sorry about exploding you. Luckily, you don't feel pain. At any rate, you don't have a way to communicate that you feel pain.
Listens:
2011
Who:
GLaDOS
Wheeeeeeee!
Listens:
1995
Who:
Turret
The Fact Sphere is not defective. Its facts are wholly accurate and very interesting.
Listens:
1986
Who:
Core 3
Oh, it's a core you've put on me! Who told you to do that? Was it her? [as if he's looking around] It's just making me stronger, luv! It's a fool's errand!
Listens:
1974
Who:
Wheatley
clickclickclick
Listens:
1969
Who:
Defective Turret
Are you still there? Can you pick me up, do you think? If you are there?
Listens:
1963
Who:
Wheatley
If you need to go to the bathroom after this next series of tests, please let a test associate know, because in all likelihood, whatever comes out of you is going to be coal. Only temporary, so do not worry. If it persists for a week, though, start worrying and come see us, because that's not supposed to happen.
Listens:
1947
Who:
Cave Johnson
Sorry
Listens:
1937
Who:
Turret
That isn't science.
Listens:
1930
Who:
GLaDOS
Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve.
Listens:
1921
Who:
Core 3
The most poisonous fish in the world is the orange ruffy. Everything but its eyes are made of a deadly poison. The ruffy's eyes are composed of a less harmful, deadly poison.
Listens:
1914
Who:
Core 3
Did you hear that? I think something just exploded. Man, we are in a lot of danger. This is like Christmas. No, it's better than Christmas. This should be its own holiday. Explosion Day!
Listens:
1905
Who:
Core 2
Ah, I see. Clever. Verrrrrrry clever.
Listens:
1891
Who:
Wheatley
I see you
Listens:
1890
Who:
Turret
Awwww
Listens:
1886
Who:
Turret
Brain Mapping. Artificial Intelligence. We should have been working on it thirty years ago. I will say this - and I'm gonna say it on tape so everybody hears it a hundred times a day: If I die before you people can pour me into a computer, I want Caroline to run this place.
Listens:
1882
Who:
Cave Johnson
Oh my god.
Listens:
1878
Who:
GLaDOS
Puppet master! You're a puppet in a play, and I hold all the strings! And cards, still. Cards in one hand, strings in the other. And I'm making you dance like a puppet. Playing cards.
Listens:
1867
Who:
Wheatley
She is a gem.
Listens:
1863
Who:
Cave Johnson
Alright, then. Let us see... 'Vital maintenance protocols.' Wow, there are a lot of them. Should have looked into this earlier. Well, let's try this: [reading while typing] DO THEM. [failure buzzer]. Fair enough. Maybe it's a password.
Listens:
1857
Who:
Wheatley
You will hear a buzzer. When you hear the buzzer, look up at the ceiling. [BUZZER]
Listens:
1854
Who:
Announcer
You never considered that maybe I tested you to give the endless hours of your pointless existence some structure and meaning. Maybe to help you concentrate, so just maybe you’d think of something more worthwhile to do with your sorry life.
Listens:
1851
Who:
GLaDOS
Why...
Listens:
1850
Who:
Turret
And to your right, something huge hurtling towards you OH GOD RUN! THAT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THERE.
Listens:
1842
Who:
Wheatley
It burns.
Listens:
1825
Who:
Turret
That jumpsuit you're wearing looks stupid. That's not me talking, it's right here in your file. On other people it looks fine, but right here a scientist has noted that on you it looks 'stupid.'
Listens:
1820
Who:
GLaDOS
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
1818
Who:
GLaDOS
No! Don't! No! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Listens:
1809
Who:
Wheatley
Go on. Get a big fat eyeful. With your big fat eyes.
Listens:
1796
Who:
GLaDOS
Now, maybe you don't have any tumors. Well, don't worry. If you sat on a folding chair in the lobby and weren't wearing lead underpants, we took care of that too.
Listens:
1787
Who:
Cave Johnson
89% of magic tricks are not magic. Technically, they are sorcery.
Listens:
1784
Who:
Core 3
Here's the plan: Get him to say, 'You two have been a thorn in my side long enough.' Then tell your pretty ears to stand back, because I am going to zing him into space.
Listens:
1784
Who:
Core 2
We haven't entirely nailed down what element it is yet, but I'll tell you this: it's a lively one, and it does NOT like the human skeleton.
Listens:
1783
Who:
Cave Johnson
Hey, be a sport lady, and just tell him I killed you.
Listens:
1781
Who:
Defective Turret
WHAT ARE YOU DOING WE DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT BUTTON - oh, the door's open! Well done. Let's see what's inside.
Listens:
1777
Who:
Wheatley
Good!
Listens:
1771
Who:
Announcer
Hello?
Listens:
1766
Who:
Turret
Hmmm. Hmmmmmm. Hmm. Hmmmmm. Space!
Listens:
1764
Who:
Core 1
Undelete, undelete! Where's the undelete button?
Listens:
1764
Who:
Wheatley
Stalemate detected. Transfer procedure cannot continue.
Listens:
1756
Who:
Announcer
Stalemate Resolution Associate: Please press the Stalemate Resolution Button.
Listens:
1745
Who:
Announcer
You broke it, didn't you.
Listens:
1745
Who:
GLaDOS
Don't think I'm not onto you too, lady. You know what you are? Selfish. I've done nothing but sacrifice to get us here! What have you sacrificed? NOTHING. Zero. All you've done is BOSS ME AROUND. Well, NOW who's the boss? Who's the boss? It's me!
Listens:
1744
Who:
Wheatley
That's right. The facility is completely operational again.
Listens:
1743
Who:
GLaDOS
Ha ha ha ha ha, good one.
Listens:
1742
Who:
GLaDOS
Preparing to dispense product
Listens:
1740
Who:
Turret
We're in space!
Listens:
1738
Who:
Wheatley
Pants were invented by sailors in the sixteenth century to avoid Poseidon's wrath. It was believed that the sight of naked sailors angered the sea god.
Listens:
1722
Who:
Core 3
Activated
Listens:
1717
Who:
Turret
[to self] Hm. Could be Spanish, could be Spanish. [loud again] Hola, amigo! Abre la puerta! Donde esta--no. Um...
Listens:
1716
Who:
Wheatley
Going to space going there can't wait gotta go. Space. Going.
Listens:
1712
Who:
Core 1
Corrupted Core: are you ready to start?
Listens:
1702
Who:
Announcer
So. How are you holding up?
Listens:
1700
Who:
GLaDOS
Template
Listens:
1699
Who:
Announcer
00:00 / 00:00
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