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To maintain a constant testing cycle, I simulate daylight at all hours and add adrenal vapor to your oxygen supply. So you may be confused about the passage of time. The point is, yesterday was your birthday. I thought you'd want to know.
Listens:
2543
Who:
GLaDOS
And we would have talked our way out of it. Oh! Except you forgot to tell me you'd murdered her. And that she needed you to live, so the only available vent for her rage would be good old crushable Wheatley. Yeah. Little details I remember. Easy little tidbits you could have used to save me from getting crushed if you'd cared, which you didn't, obviously. And still don't.
Listens:
2543
Who:
Wheatley
Now it's broken turret's time to shine!
Listens:
2538
Who:
Defective Turret
In Greek myth, Prometheus stole fire from the Gods and gave it to humankind. The jewelry he kept for himself.
Listens:
2536
Who:
Core 3
Hey lady. Lady. I'm the best. I'm the best at space.
Listens:
2532
Who:
Core 1
AH!
Listens:
2512
Who:
Wheatley
The lab boys just informed me that I should not have mentioned the control group. They're telling me I oughtta stop making these pre-recorded messages. That gave me an idea: make more pre-recorded messages. I pay the bills here, I can talk about the control group all damn day.
Listens:
2511
Who:
Cave Johnson
So. Welcome to Aperture. You're here because we want the best, and you're it. Nope. Couldn't keep a straight face.
Listens:
2510
Who:
Cave Johnson
Oh, that's sad. But impressive. Maybe they worked at the phone company.
Listens:
2487
Who:
GLaDOS
We're a lot alike, you and I. You tested me. I tested you. You killed me. I--oh, no, wait. I guess I HAVEN'T killed you yet. Well. Food for thought.
Listens:
2486
Who:
GLaDOS
If you've cut yourself at all in the course of these tests, you might have noticed that your blood is pure gasoline. That's normal. We've been shooting you with an invisible laser that's supposed to turn blood into gasoline, so all that means is, it's working.
Listens:
2471
Who:
Cave Johnson
If you are a non-employee who has discovered this facility amid the ruins of civilization, welcome! And remember: Testing is the future, and the future starts with you.
Listens:
2462
Who:
Announcer
Where am I? Guess. Guess guess guess. I'm in space.
Listens:
2461
Who:
Core 1
We're still doing science sir.
Listens:
2450
Who:
Caroline
Excellent! You're a predator and these tests are your prey. Speaking of which, I was researching sharks for an upcoming test. Do you know who else murders people who are only trying to help them?
Listens:
2446
Who:
GLaDOS
Space going to space can't wait.
Listens:
2445
Who:
Core 1
I shouldn't spoil this, but... remember how I'm going to live forever, but you're going to be dead in sixty years? Well, I've been working on a present for you. Well, I guess it's more of a medical procedure. Well, technically it's more of a medical experiment. You know how excruciating it is when someone removes all of your bone marrow? Well, what if after I did that, I put something back IN that added four years to your life?
Listens:
2440
Who:
GLaDOS
You know how I'm going to live forever, but you're going to be dead in sixty years? Well, I've been working on a belated birthday present for you. Well... more of a belated birthday medical procedure. Well. Technically, it's a medical EXPERIMENT. What's important is, it's a present.
Listens:
2426
Who:
GLaDOS
If you have trouble with simple counting, use the following mnemonic device: one comes before two comes before 60 comes after 12 comes before six trillion comes after 504. This will make your earlier counting difficulties seem like no big deal.
Listens:
2425
Who:
Core 3
Oh, it's fluttering its wings. Tell you what, mate. I'll come in there for a minute and cover you so you can have a look at this lovely bird! I'll come in. I'll do all the neurotoxin stuff. And then you come out here and look at this. Because it is lovely. It is lovely. You want to get out here fast. Seriously, my pleasure sounds are going to frighten the bird away any second. Ohhh, it's not working, is it? He's not interested in bloody birds.
Listens:
2422
Who:
Wheatley
Could you come over here?
Listens:
2408
Who:
Turret
Otherwise, I'm afraid you're about to become the immediate past president of the Being Alive club. Ha ha.
Listens:
2396
Who:
GLaDOS
Who ARE you?
Listens:
2392
Who:
Turret
William Shakespeare did not exist. His plays were masterminded in 1589 by Francis Bacon, who used a Ouija board to enslave play-writing ghosts.
Listens:
2350
Who:
Core 3
Moo hoo ha ha ha ha...
Listens:
2346
Who:
Defective Turret
Blue, I agree. I never noticed that about Orange before.
Listens:
2340
Who:
GLaDOS
Great work! Because this message is prerecorded, any observations related to your performance are speculation on our part. Please disregard any undeserved compliments.
Listens:
2334
Who:
Announcer
The situation you are in is very dangerous.
Listens:
2333
Who:
Core 3
Ayeyeyeyeye
Listens:
2328
Who:
Turret
Yeah. Clickety click click. Right on the money.
Listens:
2324
Who:
Defective Turret
Nap time
Listens:
2307
Who:
Turret
Powerup complete.
Listens:
2303
Who:
Announcer
You're saying to yourself, why should I jump into the pit? I'll tell you why. Guess who's down there? Your parents! You're not adopted after all! It's your natural parents down there in the pit. Should have mentioned it before. But I didn't. So jump on down and reunite with mommy and daddy.
Listens:
2297
Who:
Wheatley
Annnnnnnnd... Nothing.
Listens:
2292
Who:
Wheatley
And then you showed up. You dangerous, mute lunatic. So you know what?
Listens:
2259
Who:
GLaDOS
Reactor Explosion Timer destroyed.
Listens:
2256
Who:
Announcer
Goodbye!
Listens:
2252
Who:
Turret
I did everything you asked!
Listens:
2240
Who:
Turret
Excuse me, you’re squishing me.
Listens:
2225
Who:
Turret
Since making test participation mandatory for all employees, the quality of our test subjects has risen dramatically. Employee retention, however, has not.
Listens:
2219
Who:
Cave Johnson
Some emergency testing may require prolonged interaction with lethal military androids. Rest assured that all lethal military androids have been taught to read and provided with one copy of the Laws of Robotics. To share.
Listens:
2201
Who:
Announcer
Welcome to the Computer Intelligence Training and Enrichment Center Human Test Subject Research Center. You have unlocked all available courses.
Listens:
2190
Who:
Announcer
You did WHAT?
Listens:
2185
Who:
Wheatley
Oh, brilliant. You DID find a portal gun! You know what? It just goes to show: people with brain damage are the real heroes in the end aren't they? At the end of the day. Brave.
Listens:
2179
Who:
Wheatley
I am!
Listens:
2173
Who:
Caroline
Pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out!
Listens:
2172
Who:
Wheatley
Deploying
Listens:
2161
Who:
Turret
Space!
Listens:
2142
Who:
Core 1
Wait wait wait wait. I know I know I know. Lady wait. Wait. I know. Wait. Space.
Listens:
2130
Who:
Core 1
Atmosphere. Black holes. Astronauts. Nebulas. Jupiter. The Big Dipper.
Listens:
2121
Who:
Core 1
Wheeeeeeee!
Listens:
2120
Who:
Turret
Wanna go to earth wanna go to earth wanna go to earth wanna go to earth. Wanna go to earth.
Listens:
2088
Who:
Core 1
Hello again. Sorry about exploding you. Luckily, you don't feel pain. At any rate, you don't have a way to communicate that you feel pain.
Listens:
2068
Who:
GLaDOS
Not bad. I forgot how good you are at this. You should pace yourself, though. We have A LOT of tests to do.
Listens:
2051
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh, it's a core you've put on me! Who told you to do that? Was it her? [as if he's looking around] It's just making me stronger, luv! It's a fool's errand!
Listens:
2043
Who:
Wheatley
The Fact Sphere is not defective. Its facts are wholly accurate and very interesting.
Listens:
2037
Who:
Core 3
Sorry
Listens:
2034
Who:
Turret
Are you still there? Can you pick me up, do you think? If you are there?
Listens:
1999
Who:
Wheatley
If you need to go to the bathroom after this next series of tests, please let a test associate know, because in all likelihood, whatever comes out of you is going to be coal. Only temporary, so do not worry. If it persists for a week, though, start worrying and come see us, because that's not supposed to happen.
Listens:
1997
Who:
Cave Johnson
I see you
Listens:
1990
Who:
Turret
That isn't science.
Listens:
1986
Who:
GLaDOS
Awwww
Listens:
1985
Who:
Turret
Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve.
Listens:
1971
Who:
Core 3
Ah, I see. Clever. Verrrrrrry clever.
Listens:
1967
Who:
Wheatley
The most poisonous fish in the world is the orange ruffy. Everything but its eyes are made of a deadly poison. The ruffy's eyes are composed of a less harmful, deadly poison.
Listens:
1954
Who:
Core 3
Brain Mapping. Artificial Intelligence. We should have been working on it thirty years ago. I will say this - and I'm gonna say it on tape so everybody hears it a hundred times a day: If I die before you people can pour me into a computer, I want Caroline to run this place.
Listens:
1948
Who:
Cave Johnson
Why...
Listens:
1943
Who:
Turret
Oh my god.
Listens:
1935
Who:
GLaDOS
You will hear a buzzer. When you hear the buzzer, look up at the ceiling. [BUZZER]
Listens:
1930
Who:
Announcer
Did you hear that? I think something just exploded. Man, we are in a lot of danger. This is like Christmas. No, it's better than Christmas. This should be its own holiday. Explosion Day!
Listens:
1928
Who:
Core 2
It burns.
Listens:
1923
Who:
Turret
She is a gem.
Listens:
1921
Who:
Cave Johnson
Puppet master! You're a puppet in a play, and I hold all the strings! And cards, still. Cards in one hand, strings in the other. And I'm making you dance like a puppet. Playing cards.
Listens:
1921
Who:
Wheatley
You never considered that maybe I tested you to give the endless hours of your pointless existence some structure and meaning. Maybe to help you concentrate, so just maybe you’d think of something more worthwhile to do with your sorry life.
Listens:
1919
Who:
GLaDOS
Alright, then. Let us see... 'Vital maintenance protocols.' Wow, there are a lot of them. Should have looked into this earlier. Well, let's try this: [reading while typing] DO THEM. [failure buzzer]. Fair enough. Maybe it's a password.
Listens:
1909
Who:
Wheatley
And to your right, something huge hurtling towards you OH GOD RUN! THAT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THERE.
Listens:
1897
Who:
Wheatley
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
1896
Who:
GLaDOS
No! Don't! No! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Listens:
1893
Who:
Wheatley
Template
Listens:
1889
Who:
Announcer
Hey, be a sport lady, and just tell him I killed you.
Listens:
1877
Who:
Defective Turret
Hello?
Listens:
1874
Who:
Turret
That jumpsuit you're wearing looks stupid. That's not me talking, it's right here in your file. On other people it looks fine, but right here a scientist has noted that on you it looks 'stupid.'
Listens:
1863
Who:
GLaDOS
WHAT ARE YOU DOING WE DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT BUTTON - oh, the door's open! Well done. Let's see what's inside.
Listens:
1861
Who:
Wheatley
Good!
Listens:
1849
Who:
Announcer
We haven't entirely nailed down what element it is yet, but I'll tell you this: it's a lively one, and it does NOT like the human skeleton.
Listens:
1842
Who:
Cave Johnson
Go on. Get a big fat eyeful. With your big fat eyes.
Listens:
1838
Who:
GLaDOS
Hmmm. Hmmmmmm. Hmm. Hmmmmm. Space!
Listens:
1836
Who:
Core 1
Now, maybe you don't have any tumors. Well, don't worry. If you sat on a folding chair in the lobby and weren't wearing lead underpants, we took care of that too.
Listens:
1831
Who:
Cave Johnson
Undelete, undelete! Where's the undelete button?
Listens:
1828
Who:
Wheatley
89% of magic tricks are not magic. Technically, they are sorcery.
Listens:
1826
Who:
Core 3
Preparing to dispense product
Listens:
1825
Who:
Turret
Stalemate detected. Transfer procedure cannot continue.
Listens:
1821
Who:
Announcer
We're in space!
Listens:
1816
Who:
Wheatley
That's right. The facility is completely operational again.
Listens:
1808
Who:
GLaDOS
Activated
Listens:
1807
Who:
Turret
Stalemate Resolution Associate: Please press the Stalemate Resolution Button.
Listens:
1806
Who:
Announcer
Here's the plan: Get him to say, 'You two have been a thorn in my side long enough.' Then tell your pretty ears to stand back, because I am going to zing him into space.
Listens:
1806
Who:
Core 2
Hello.
Listens:
1797
Who:
Defective Turret
Hey! It's me!
Listens:
1797
Who:
Turret
I'm in space.
Listens:
1787
Who:
Core 1
00:00 / 00:00
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