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Portal 2
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To maintain a constant testing cycle, I simulate daylight at all hours and add adrenal vapor to your oxygen supply. So you may be confused about the passage of time. The point is, yesterday was your birthday. I thought you'd want to know.
Listens:
2964
Who:
GLaDOS
Ayeyeyeyeye
Listens:
2948
Who:
Turret
Happy Explosion Day, gorgeous.
Listens:
2936
Who:
Core 2
I shouldn't spoil this, but... remember how I'm going to live forever, but you're going to be dead in sixty years? Well, I've been working on a present for you. Well, I guess it's more of a medical procedure. Well, technically it's more of a medical experiment. You know how excruciating it is when someone removes all of your bone marrow? Well, what if after I did that, I put something back IN that added four years to your life?
Listens:
2901
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh, that's sad. But impressive. Maybe they worked at the phone company.
Listens:
2895
Who:
GLaDOS
Who ARE you?
Listens:
2888
Who:
Turret
Excellent! You're a predator and these tests are your prey. Speaking of which, I was researching sharks for an upcoming test. Do you know who else murders people who are only trying to help them?
Listens:
2883
Who:
GLaDOS
We will attempt to comply with these now non-existent agencies by playing some more smooth jazz.
Listens:
2872
Who:
Announcer
We're a lot alike, you and I. You tested me. I tested you. You killed me. I--oh, no, wait. I guess I HAVEN'T killed you yet. Well. Food for thought.
Listens:
2872
Who:
GLaDOS
And we would have talked our way out of it. Oh! Except you forgot to tell me you'd murdered her. And that she needed you to live, so the only available vent for her rage would be good old crushable Wheatley. Yeah. Little details I remember. Easy little tidbits you could have used to save me from getting crushed if you'd cared, which you didn't, obviously. And still don't.
Listens:
2851
Who:
Wheatley
Could you come over here?
Listens:
2839
Who:
Turret
So. Welcome to Aperture. You're here because we want the best, and you're it. Nope. Couldn't keep a straight face.
Listens:
2825
Who:
Cave Johnson
If you are a non-employee who has discovered this facility amid the ruins of civilization, welcome! And remember: Testing is the future, and the future starts with you.
Listens:
2816
Who:
Announcer
Hey lady. Lady. I'm the best. I'm the best at space.
Listens:
2815
Who:
Core 1
The lab boys just informed me that I should not have mentioned the control group. They're telling me I oughtta stop making these pre-recorded messages. That gave me an idea: make more pre-recorded messages. I pay the bills here, I can talk about the control group all damn day.
Listens:
2814
Who:
Cave Johnson
Excuse me, you’re squishing me.
Listens:
2796
Who:
Turret
In Greek myth, Prometheus stole fire from the Gods and gave it to humankind. The jewelry he kept for himself.
Listens:
2783
Who:
Core 3
Moo hoo ha ha ha ha...
Listens:
2781
Who:
Defective Turret
Reactor Explosion Timer destroyed.
Listens:
2767
Who:
Announcer
Powerup complete.
Listens:
2756
Who:
Announcer
We're still doing science sir.
Listens:
2754
Who:
Caroline
If you've cut yourself at all in the course of these tests, you might have noticed that your blood is pure gasoline. That's normal. We've been shooting you with an invisible laser that's supposed to turn blood into gasoline, so all that means is, it's working.
Listens:
2752
Who:
Cave Johnson
Otherwise, I'm afraid you're about to become the immediate past president of the Being Alive club. Ha ha.
Listens:
2738
Who:
GLaDOS
Annnnnnnnd... Nothing.
Listens:
2735
Who:
Wheatley
I did everything you asked!
Listens:
2731
Who:
Turret
Space going to space can't wait.
Listens:
2730
Who:
Core 1
Nap time
Listens:
2720
Who:
Turret
Where am I? Guess. Guess guess guess. I'm in space.
Listens:
2715
Who:
Core 1
Oh, it's fluttering its wings. Tell you what, mate. I'll come in there for a minute and cover you so you can have a look at this lovely bird! I'll come in. I'll do all the neurotoxin stuff. And then you come out here and look at this. Because it is lovely. It is lovely. You want to get out here fast. Seriously, my pleasure sounds are going to frighten the bird away any second. Ohhh, it's not working, is it? He's not interested in bloody birds.
Listens:
2710
Who:
Wheatley
Yeah. Clickety click click. Right on the money.
Listens:
2709
Who:
Defective Turret
Wheeeeeeee!
Listens:
2708
Who:
Turret
Goodbye!
Listens:
2690
Who:
Turret
If you have trouble with simple counting, use the following mnemonic device: one comes before two comes before 60 comes after 12 comes before six trillion comes after 504. This will make your earlier counting difficulties seem like no big deal.
Listens:
2685
Who:
Core 3
You know how I'm going to live forever, but you're going to be dead in sixty years? Well, I've been working on a belated birthday present for you. Well... more of a belated birthday medical procedure. Well. Technically, it's a medical EXPERIMENT. What's important is, it's a present.
Listens:
2662
Who:
GLaDOS
Great work! Because this message is prerecorded, any observations related to your performance are speculation on our part. Please disregard any undeserved compliments.
Listens:
2599
Who:
Announcer
And then you showed up. You dangerous, mute lunatic. So you know what?
Listens:
2593
Who:
GLaDOS
The situation you are in is very dangerous.
Listens:
2587
Who:
Core 3
William Shakespeare did not exist. His plays were masterminded in 1589 by Francis Bacon, who used a Ouija board to enslave play-writing ghosts.
Listens:
2587
Who:
Core 3
You did WHAT?
Listens:
2586
Who:
Wheatley
Deploying
Listens:
2573
Who:
Turret
You're saying to yourself, why should I jump into the pit? I'll tell you why. Guess who's down there? Your parents! You're not adopted after all! It's your natural parents down there in the pit. Should have mentioned it before. But I didn't. So jump on down and reunite with mommy and daddy.
Listens:
2554
Who:
Wheatley
I am!
Listens:
2551
Who:
Caroline
Blue, I agree. I never noticed that about Orange before.
Listens:
2548
Who:
GLaDOS
Since making test participation mandatory for all employees, the quality of our test subjects has risen dramatically. Employee retention, however, has not.
Listens:
2531
Who:
Cave Johnson
Welcome to the Computer Intelligence Training and Enrichment Center Human Test Subject Research Center. You have unlocked all available courses.
Listens:
2514
Who:
Announcer
Space!
Listens:
2497
Who:
Core 1
Awwww
Listens:
2483
Who:
Turret
Oh, brilliant. You DID find a portal gun! You know what? It just goes to show: people with brain damage are the real heroes in the end aren't they? At the end of the day. Brave.
Listens:
2477
Who:
Wheatley
Pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out!
Listens:
2462
Who:
Wheatley
Sorry
Listens:
2444
Who:
Turret
Some emergency testing may require prolonged interaction with lethal military androids. Rest assured that all lethal military androids have been taught to read and provided with one copy of the Laws of Robotics. To share.
Listens:
2437
Who:
Announcer
Atmosphere. Black holes. Astronauts. Nebulas. Jupiter. The Big Dipper.
Listens:
2410
Who:
Core 1
I see you
Listens:
2403
Who:
Turret
Wait wait wait wait. I know I know I know. Lady wait. Wait. I know. Wait. Space.
Listens:
2397
Who:
Core 1
Hello?
Listens:
2387
Who:
Turret
Hello again. Sorry about exploding you. Luckily, you don't feel pain. At any rate, you don't have a way to communicate that you feel pain.
Listens:
2378
Who:
GLaDOS
Ah, I see. Clever. Verrrrrrry clever.
Listens:
2369
Who:
Wheatley
Why...
Listens:
2365
Who:
Turret
Hey! It's me!
Listens:
2365
Who:
Turret
It burns.
Listens:
2349
Who:
Turret
Good!
Listens:
2339
Who:
Announcer
No! Don't! No! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Listens:
2337
Who:
Wheatley
Oh, it's a core you've put on me! Who told you to do that? Was it her? [as if he's looking around] It's just making me stronger, luv! It's a fool's errand!
Listens:
2314
Who:
Wheatley
You will hear a buzzer. When you hear the buzzer, look up at the ceiling. [BUZZER]
Listens:
2307
Who:
Announcer
Wanna go to earth wanna go to earth wanna go to earth wanna go to earth. Wanna go to earth.
Listens:
2307
Who:
Core 1
Hello.
Listens:
2301
Who:
Defective Turret
Template
Listens:
2292
Who:
Announcer
Hey, be a sport lady, and just tell him I killed you.
Listens:
2268
Who:
Defective Turret
That isn't science.
Listens:
2266
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh my god.
Listens:
2262
Who:
GLaDOS
Brain Mapping. Artificial Intelligence. We should have been working on it thirty years ago. I will say this - and I'm gonna say it on tape so everybody hears it a hundred times a day: If I die before you people can pour me into a computer, I want Caroline to run this place.
Listens:
2257
Who:
Cave Johnson
The Fact Sphere is not defective. Its facts are wholly accurate and very interesting.
Listens:
2254
Who:
Core 3
Not bad. I forgot how good you are at this. You should pace yourself, though. We have A LOT of tests to do.
Listens:
2238
Who:
GLaDOS
WHAT ARE YOU DOING WE DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT BUTTON - oh, the door's open! Well done. Let's see what's inside.
Listens:
2226
Who:
Wheatley
If you need to go to the bathroom after this next series of tests, please let a test associate know, because in all likelihood, whatever comes out of you is going to be coal. Only temporary, so do not worry. If it persists for a week, though, start worrying and come see us, because that's not supposed to happen.
Listens:
2223
Who:
Cave Johnson
And to your right, something huge hurtling towards you OH GOD RUN! THAT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THERE.
Listens:
2222
Who:
Wheatley
Activated
Listens:
2220
Who:
Turret
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
2219
Who:
GLaDOS
Are you still there? Can you pick me up, do you think? If you are there?
Listens:
2215
Who:
Wheatley
She is a gem.
Listens:
2201
Who:
Cave Johnson
Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve.
Listens:
2198
Who:
Core 3
Preparing to dispense product
Listens:
2198
Who:
Turret
Puppet master! You're a puppet in a play, and I hold all the strings! And cards, still. Cards in one hand, strings in the other. And I'm making you dance like a puppet. Playing cards.
Listens:
2196
Who:
Wheatley
Alright, then. Let us see... 'Vital maintenance protocols.' Wow, there are a lot of them. Should have looked into this earlier. Well, let's try this: [reading while typing] DO THEM. [failure buzzer]. Fair enough. Maybe it's a password.
Listens:
2175
Who:
Wheatley
That jumpsuit you're wearing looks stupid. That's not me talking, it's right here in your file. On other people it looks fine, but right here a scientist has noted that on you it looks 'stupid.'
Listens:
2164
Who:
GLaDOS
Corrupted Core: are you ready to start?
Listens:
2154
Who:
Announcer
The most poisonous fish in the world is the orange ruffy. Everything but its eyes are made of a deadly poison. The ruffy's eyes are composed of a less harmful, deadly poison.
Listens:
2146
Who:
Core 3
Grab me grab me grab me! Grab meeee!
Listens:
2138
Who:
Wheatley
You never considered that maybe I tested you to give the endless hours of your pointless existence some structure and meaning. Maybe to help you concentrate, so just maybe you’d think of something more worthwhile to do with your sorry life.
Listens:
2128
Who:
GLaDOS
Undelete, undelete! Where's the undelete button?
Listens:
2127
Who:
Wheatley
Now, maybe you don't have any tumors. Well, don't worry. If you sat on a folding chair in the lobby and weren't wearing lead underpants, we took care of that too.
Listens:
2123
Who:
Cave Johnson
Stalemate detected. Transfer procedure cannot continue.
Listens:
2121
Who:
Announcer
That's right. The facility is completely operational again.
Listens:
2113
Who:
GLaDOS
Stalemate Resolution Associate: Please press the Stalemate Resolution Button.
Listens:
2107
Who:
Announcer
Hmmm. Hmmmmmm. Hmm. Hmmmmm. Space!
Listens:
2107
Who:
Core 1
[to self] Hm. Could be Spanish, could be Spanish. [loud again] Hola, amigo! Abre la puerta! Donde esta--no. Um...
Listens:
2107
Who:
Wheatley
You broke it, didn't you.
Listens:
2105
Who:
GLaDOS
Response
Listens:
2102
Who:
Announcer
We haven't entirely nailed down what element it is yet, but I'll tell you this: it's a lively one, and it does NOT like the human skeleton.
Listens:
2102
Who:
Cave Johnson
I'm in space.
Listens:
2102
Who:
Core 1
00:00 / 00:00
Test Player
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