Please make sure you own these games if you are going to listen to their content!
News: Loading...
Quote:
Who:
Portal 2
Portal 2 DLC
Portal 2 PTI
Portal 2 Music
Portal 1
Portal 1 Music
Team Fortress 2
TF2 Music
Like
+1
Tweet
@Portal2Sounds
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
19
20
21
22
23
24
25
26
27
Popular
Original Order
Random
This site requires that
Javascript be enabled
.
To maintain a constant testing cycle, I simulate daylight at all hours and add adrenal vapor to your oxygen supply. So you may be confused about the passage of time. The point is, yesterday was your birthday. I thought you'd want to know.
Listens:
3157
Who:
GLaDOS
They say great science is built on the shoulders of giants. Not here. At Aperture, we do all our science from scratch. No hand holding.
Listens:
3153
Who:
Cave Johnson
We made it we made it we made it. Space!
Listens:
3124
Who:
Core 1
Oh, that's sad. But impressive. Maybe they worked at the phone company.
Listens:
3071
Who:
GLaDOS
Happy Explosion Day, gorgeous.
Listens:
3066
Who:
Core 2
I shouldn't spoil this, but... remember how I'm going to live forever, but you're going to be dead in sixty years? Well, I've been working on a present for you. Well, I guess it's more of a medical procedure. Well, technically it's more of a medical experiment. You know how excruciating it is when someone removes all of your bone marrow? Well, what if after I did that, I put something back IN that added four years to your life?
Listens:
3047
Who:
GLaDOS
Reactor Explosion Timer destroyed.
Listens:
3024
Who:
Announcer
We're a lot alike, you and I. You tested me. I tested you. You killed me. I--oh, no, wait. I guess I HAVEN'T killed you yet. Well. Food for thought.
Listens:
3018
Who:
GLaDOS
Excellent! You're a predator and these tests are your prey. Speaking of which, I was researching sharks for an upcoming test. Do you know who else murders people who are only trying to help them?
Listens:
3014
Who:
GLaDOS
We will attempt to comply with these now non-existent agencies by playing some more smooth jazz.
Listens:
3011
Who:
Announcer
Could you come over here?
Listens:
3005
Who:
Turret
Excuse me, you’re squishing me.
Listens:
3003
Who:
Turret
And we would have talked our way out of it. Oh! Except you forgot to tell me you'd murdered her. And that she needed you to live, so the only available vent for her rage would be good old crushable Wheatley. Yeah. Little details I remember. Easy little tidbits you could have used to save me from getting crushed if you'd cared, which you didn't, obviously. And still don't.
Listens:
2992
Who:
Wheatley
Wheeeeeeee!
Listens:
2989
Who:
Turret
Powerup complete.
Listens:
2981
Who:
Announcer
Moo hoo ha ha ha ha...
Listens:
2974
Who:
Defective Turret
Annnnnnnnd... Nothing.
Listens:
2967
Who:
Wheatley
Otherwise, I'm afraid you're about to become the immediate past president of the Being Alive club. Ha ha.
Listens:
2965
Who:
GLaDOS
So. Welcome to Aperture. You're here because we want the best, and you're it. Nope. Couldn't keep a straight face.
Listens:
2951
Who:
Cave Johnson
If you are a non-employee who has discovered this facility amid the ruins of civilization, welcome! And remember: Testing is the future, and the future starts with you.
Listens:
2948
Who:
Announcer
Hey lady. Lady. I'm the best. I'm the best at space.
Listens:
2927
Who:
Core 1
The lab boys just informed me that I should not have mentioned the control group. They're telling me I oughtta stop making these pre-recorded messages. That gave me an idea: make more pre-recorded messages. I pay the bills here, I can talk about the control group all damn day.
Listens:
2926
Who:
Cave Johnson
I did everything you asked!
Listens:
2923
Who:
Turret
In Greek myth, Prometheus stole fire from the Gods and gave it to humankind. The jewelry he kept for himself.
Listens:
2903
Who:
Core 3
Space going to space can't wait.
Listens:
2892
Who:
Core 1
Nap time
Listens:
2892
Who:
Turret
Yeah. Clickety click click. Right on the money.
Listens:
2888
Who:
Defective Turret
Goodbye!
Listens:
2872
Who:
Turret
We're still doing science sir.
Listens:
2867
Who:
Caroline
If you've cut yourself at all in the course of these tests, you might have noticed that your blood is pure gasoline. That's normal. We've been shooting you with an invisible laser that's supposed to turn blood into gasoline, so all that means is, it's working.
Listens:
2862
Who:
Cave Johnson
Oh, it's fluttering its wings. Tell you what, mate. I'll come in there for a minute and cover you so you can have a look at this lovely bird! I'll come in. I'll do all the neurotoxin stuff. And then you come out here and look at this. Because it is lovely. It is lovely. You want to get out here fast. Seriously, my pleasure sounds are going to frighten the bird away any second. Ohhh, it's not working, is it? He's not interested in bloody birds.
Listens:
2858
Who:
Wheatley
If you have trouble with simple counting, use the following mnemonic device: one comes before two comes before 60 comes after 12 comes before six trillion comes after 504. This will make your earlier counting difficulties seem like no big deal.
Listens:
2849
Who:
Core 3
Where am I? Guess. Guess guess guess. I'm in space.
Listens:
2824
Who:
Core 1
You did WHAT?
Listens:
2812
Who:
Wheatley
You know how I'm going to live forever, but you're going to be dead in sixty years? Well, I've been working on a belated birthday present for you. Well... more of a belated birthday medical procedure. Well. Technically, it's a medical EXPERIMENT. What's important is, it's a present.
Listens:
2772
Who:
GLaDOS
And then you showed up. You dangerous, mute lunatic. So you know what?
Listens:
2755
Who:
GLaDOS
The situation you are in is very dangerous.
Listens:
2732
Who:
Core 3
Deploying
Listens:
2721
Who:
Turret
William Shakespeare did not exist. His plays were masterminded in 1589 by Francis Bacon, who used a Ouija board to enslave play-writing ghosts.
Listens:
2716
Who:
Core 3
Great work! Because this message is prerecorded, any observations related to your performance are speculation on our part. Please disregard any undeserved compliments.
Listens:
2706
Who:
Announcer
I am!
Listens:
2703
Who:
Caroline
You're saying to yourself, why should I jump into the pit? I'll tell you why. Guess who's down there? Your parents! You're not adopted after all! It's your natural parents down there in the pit. Should have mentioned it before. But I didn't. So jump on down and reunite with mommy and daddy.
Listens:
2694
Who:
Wheatley
Awwww
Listens:
2686
Who:
Turret
Since making test participation mandatory for all employees, the quality of our test subjects has risen dramatically. Employee retention, however, has not.
Listens:
2663
Who:
Cave Johnson
Welcome to the Computer Intelligence Training and Enrichment Center Human Test Subject Research Center. You have unlocked all available courses.
Listens:
2648
Who:
Announcer
Space!
Listens:
2642
Who:
Core 1
Pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out!
Listens:
2642
Who:
Wheatley
Blue, I agree. I never noticed that about Orange before.
Listens:
2618
Who:
GLaDOS
Ah, I see. Clever. Verrrrrrry clever.
Listens:
2609
Who:
Wheatley
Oh, brilliant. You DID find a portal gun! You know what? It just goes to show: people with brain damage are the real heroes in the end aren't they? At the end of the day. Brave.
Listens:
2607
Who:
Wheatley
Hello?
Listens:
2602
Who:
Turret
No! Don't! No! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Listens:
2581
Who:
Wheatley
Sorry
Listens:
2578
Who:
Turret
I see you
Listens:
2573
Who:
Turret
Hey! It's me!
Listens:
2562
Who:
Turret
Some emergency testing may require prolonged interaction with lethal military androids. Rest assured that all lethal military androids have been taught to read and provided with one copy of the Laws of Robotics. To share.
Listens:
2545
Who:
Announcer
Good!
Listens:
2536
Who:
Announcer
Atmosphere. Black holes. Astronauts. Nebulas. Jupiter. The Big Dipper.
Listens:
2533
Who:
Core 1
Template
Listens:
2521
Who:
Announcer
Hello again. Sorry about exploding you. Luckily, you don't feel pain. At any rate, you don't have a way to communicate that you feel pain.
Listens:
2521
Who:
GLaDOS
Why...
Listens:
2517
Who:
Turret
Hello.
Listens:
2509
Who:
Defective Turret
Wait wait wait wait. I know I know I know. Lady wait. Wait. I know. Wait. Space.
Listens:
2507
Who:
Core 1
You will hear a buzzer. When you hear the buzzer, look up at the ceiling. [BUZZER]
Listens:
2502
Who:
Announcer
It burns.
Listens:
2493
Who:
Turret
Oh my god.
Listens:
2451
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh, it's a core you've put on me! Who told you to do that? Was it her? [as if he's looking around] It's just making me stronger, luv! It's a fool's errand!
Listens:
2447
Who:
Wheatley
WHAT ARE YOU DOING WE DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT BUTTON - oh, the door's open! Well done. Let's see what's inside.
Listens:
2430
Who:
Wheatley
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
2428
Who:
GLaDOS
Brain Mapping. Artificial Intelligence. We should have been working on it thirty years ago. I will say this - and I'm gonna say it on tape so everybody hears it a hundred times a day: If I die before you people can pour me into a computer, I want Caroline to run this place.
Listens:
2415
Who:
Cave Johnson
Wanna go to earth wanna go to earth wanna go to earth wanna go to earth. Wanna go to earth.
Listens:
2413
Who:
Core 1
Hey, be a sport lady, and just tell him I killed you.
Listens:
2400
Who:
Defective Turret
And to your right, something huge hurtling towards you OH GOD RUN! THAT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THERE.
Listens:
2397
Who:
Wheatley
Grab me grab me grab me! Grab meeee!
Listens:
2391
Who:
Wheatley
That isn't science.
Listens:
2385
Who:
GLaDOS
Activated
Listens:
2375
Who:
Turret
The Fact Sphere is not defective. Its facts are wholly accurate and very interesting.
Listens:
2370
Who:
Core 3
Warning, sphere corruption at twenty-- rats cannot throw up.
Listens:
2359
Who:
Core 3
She is a gem.
Listens:
2355
Who:
Cave Johnson
Are you still there? Can you pick me up, do you think? If you are there?
Listens:
2338
Who:
Wheatley
Preparing to dispense product
Listens:
2329
Who:
Turret
Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve.
Listens:
2323
Who:
Core 3
If you need to go to the bathroom after this next series of tests, please let a test associate know, because in all likelihood, whatever comes out of you is going to be coal. Only temporary, so do not worry. If it persists for a week, though, start worrying and come see us, because that's not supposed to happen.
Listens:
2322
Who:
Cave Johnson
Corrupted Core: are you ready to start?
Listens:
2319
Who:
Announcer
Not bad. I forgot how good you are at this. You should pace yourself, though. We have A LOT of tests to do.
Listens:
2316
Who:
GLaDOS
Response
Listens:
2307
Who:
Announcer
Puppet master! You're a puppet in a play, and I hold all the strings! And cards, still. Cards in one hand, strings in the other. And I'm making you dance like a puppet. Playing cards.
Listens:
2300
Who:
Wheatley
Alright, then. Let us see... 'Vital maintenance protocols.' Wow, there are a lot of them. Should have looked into this earlier. Well, let's try this: [reading while typing] DO THEM. [failure buzzer]. Fair enough. Maybe it's a password.
Listens:
2296
Who:
Wheatley
Please prepare for emergency evacuation.
Listens:
2294
Who:
Announcer
Hello?
Listens:
2287
Who:
Turret
That jumpsuit you're wearing looks stupid. That's not me talking, it's right here in your file. On other people it looks fine, but right here a scientist has noted that on you it looks 'stupid.'
Listens:
2279
Who:
GLaDOS
Undelete, undelete! Where's the undelete button?
Listens:
2275
Who:
Wheatley
We're in space!
Listens:
2274
Who:
Wheatley
You never considered that maybe I tested you to give the endless hours of your pointless existence some structure and meaning. Maybe to help you concentrate, so just maybe you’d think of something more worthwhile to do with your sorry life.
Listens:
2271
Who:
GLaDOS
[to self] Hm. Could be Spanish, could be Spanish. [loud again] Hola, amigo! Abre la puerta! Donde esta--no. Um...
Listens:
2254
Who:
Wheatley
Stalemate Resolution Associate: Please press the Stalemate Resolution Button.
Listens:
2252
Who:
Announcer
You broke it, didn't you.
Listens:
2252
Who:
GLaDOS
That's right. The facility is completely operational again.
Listens:
2243
Who:
GLaDOS
Hmmm. Hmmmmmm. Hmm. Hmmmmm. Space!
Listens:
2242
Who:
Core 1
I'm in space.
Listens:
2241
Who:
Core 1
00:00 / 00:00
Test Player
Like these quotes? Share them with your friends!
