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Portal 2
Portal 2 DLC
Portal 2 PTI
Portal 2 Music
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Portal 1 Music
Team Fortress 2
TF2 Music
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AH!
Listens:
2633
Who:
Wheatley
To maintain a constant testing cycle, I simulate daylight at all hours and add adrenal vapor to your oxygen supply. So you may be confused about the passage of time. The point is, yesterday was your birthday. I thought you'd want to know.
Listens:
2631
Who:
GLaDOS
We will attempt to comply with these now non-existent agencies by playing some more smooth jazz.
Listens:
2627
Who:
Announcer
And we would have talked our way out of it. Oh! Except you forgot to tell me you'd murdered her. And that she needed you to live, so the only available vent for her rage would be good old crushable Wheatley. Yeah. Little details I remember. Easy little tidbits you could have used to save me from getting crushed if you'd cared, which you didn't, obviously. And still don't.
Listens:
2606
Who:
Wheatley
Hey lady. Lady. I'm the best. I'm the best at space.
Listens:
2602
Who:
Core 1
In Greek myth, Prometheus stole fire from the Gods and gave it to humankind. The jewelry he kept for himself.
Listens:
2596
Who:
Core 3
The lab boys just informed me that I should not have mentioned the control group. They're telling me I oughtta stop making these pre-recorded messages. That gave me an idea: make more pre-recorded messages. I pay the bills here, I can talk about the control group all damn day.
Listens:
2589
Who:
Cave Johnson
So. Welcome to Aperture. You're here because we want the best, and you're it. Nope. Couldn't keep a straight face.
Listens:
2589
Who:
Cave Johnson
We're a lot alike, you and I. You tested me. I tested you. You killed me. I--oh, no, wait. I guess I HAVEN'T killed you yet. Well. Food for thought.
Listens:
2562
Who:
GLaDOS
If you've cut yourself at all in the course of these tests, you might have noticed that your blood is pure gasoline. That's normal. We've been shooting you with an invisible laser that's supposed to turn blood into gasoline, so all that means is, it's working.
Listens:
2547
Who:
Cave Johnson
Oh, that's sad. But impressive. Maybe they worked at the phone company.
Listens:
2547
Who:
GLaDOS
If you are a non-employee who has discovered this facility amid the ruins of civilization, welcome! And remember: Testing is the future, and the future starts with you.
Listens:
2545
Who:
Announcer
I shouldn't spoil this, but... remember how I'm going to live forever, but you're going to be dead in sixty years? Well, I've been working on a present for you. Well, I guess it's more of a medical procedure. Well, technically it's more of a medical experiment. You know how excruciating it is when someone removes all of your bone marrow? Well, what if after I did that, I put something back IN that added four years to your life?
Listens:
2536
Who:
GLaDOS
We're still doing science sir.
Listens:
2526
Who:
Caroline
Where am I? Guess. Guess guess guess. I'm in space.
Listens:
2526
Who:
Core 1
Excellent! You're a predator and these tests are your prey. Speaking of which, I was researching sharks for an upcoming test. Do you know who else murders people who are only trying to help them?
Listens:
2523
Who:
GLaDOS
Space going to space can't wait.
Listens:
2515
Who:
Core 1
Could you come over here?
Listens:
2506
Who:
Turret
Who ARE you?
Listens:
2502
Who:
Turret
Oh, it's fluttering its wings. Tell you what, mate. I'll come in there for a minute and cover you so you can have a look at this lovely bird! I'll come in. I'll do all the neurotoxin stuff. And then you come out here and look at this. Because it is lovely. It is lovely. You want to get out here fast. Seriously, my pleasure sounds are going to frighten the bird away any second. Ohhh, it's not working, is it? He's not interested in bloody birds.
Listens:
2493
Who:
Wheatley
If you have trouble with simple counting, use the following mnemonic device: one comes before two comes before 60 comes after 12 comes before six trillion comes after 504. This will make your earlier counting difficulties seem like no big deal.
Listens:
2476
Who:
Core 3
You know how I'm going to live forever, but you're going to be dead in sixty years? Well, I've been working on a belated birthday present for you. Well... more of a belated birthday medical procedure. Well. Technically, it's a medical EXPERIMENT. What's important is, it's a present.
Listens:
2461
Who:
GLaDOS
Otherwise, I'm afraid you're about to become the immediate past president of the Being Alive club. Ha ha.
Listens:
2459
Who:
GLaDOS
Moo hoo ha ha ha ha...
Listens:
2456
Who:
Defective Turret
Ayeyeyeyeye
Listens:
2445
Who:
Turret
Powerup complete.
Listens:
2420
Who:
Announcer
Annnnnnnnd... Nothing.
Listens:
2404
Who:
Wheatley
Yeah. Clickety click click. Right on the money.
Listens:
2404
Who:
Defective Turret
Great work! Because this message is prerecorded, any observations related to your performance are speculation on our part. Please disregard any undeserved compliments.
Listens:
2403
Who:
Announcer
The situation you are in is very dangerous.
Listens:
2394
Who:
Core 3
Nap time
Listens:
2394
Who:
Turret
William Shakespeare did not exist. His plays were masterminded in 1589 by Francis Bacon, who used a Ouija board to enslave play-writing ghosts.
Listens:
2388
Who:
Core 3
Reactor Explosion Timer destroyed.
Listens:
2377
Who:
Announcer
Blue, I agree. I never noticed that about Orange before.
Listens:
2374
Who:
GLaDOS
Excuse me, you’re squishing me.
Listens:
2354
Who:
Turret
You're saying to yourself, why should I jump into the pit? I'll tell you why. Guess who's down there? Your parents! You're not adopted after all! It's your natural parents down there in the pit. Should have mentioned it before. But I didn't. So jump on down and reunite with mommy and daddy.
Listens:
2352
Who:
Wheatley
I did everything you asked!
Listens:
2342
Who:
Turret
Goodbye!
Listens:
2329
Who:
Turret
And then you showed up. You dangerous, mute lunatic. So you know what?
Listens:
2318
Who:
GLaDOS
Since making test participation mandatory for all employees, the quality of our test subjects has risen dramatically. Employee retention, however, has not.
Listens:
2298
Who:
Cave Johnson
You did WHAT?
Listens:
2271
Who:
Wheatley
Welcome to the Computer Intelligence Training and Enrichment Center Human Test Subject Research Center. You have unlocked all available courses.
Listens:
2265
Who:
Announcer
Some emergency testing may require prolonged interaction with lethal military androids. Rest assured that all lethal military androids have been taught to read and provided with one copy of the Laws of Robotics. To share.
Listens:
2264
Who:
Announcer
I am!
Listens:
2264
Who:
Caroline
Wheeeeeeee!
Listens:
2239
Who:
Turret
Oh, brilliant. You DID find a portal gun! You know what? It just goes to show: people with brain damage are the real heroes in the end aren't they? At the end of the day. Brave.
Listens:
2234
Who:
Wheatley
Deploying
Listens:
2234
Who:
Turret
Space!
Listens:
2226
Who:
Core 1
Pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out!
Listens:
2218
Who:
Wheatley
Wait wait wait wait. I know I know I know. Lady wait. Wait. I know. Wait. Space.
Listens:
2205
Who:
Core 1
Atmosphere. Black holes. Astronauts. Nebulas. Jupiter. The Big Dipper.
Listens:
2201
Who:
Core 1
Wanna go to earth wanna go to earth wanna go to earth wanna go to earth. Wanna go to earth.
Listens:
2153
Who:
Core 1
Sorry
Listens:
2118
Who:
Turret
Hello again. Sorry about exploding you. Luckily, you don't feel pain. At any rate, you don't have a way to communicate that you feel pain.
Listens:
2116
Who:
GLaDOS
Awwww
Listens:
2099
Who:
Turret
Not bad. I forgot how good you are at this. You should pace yourself, though. We have A LOT of tests to do.
Listens:
2090
Who:
GLaDOS
The Fact Sphere is not defective. Its facts are wholly accurate and very interesting.
Listens:
2086
Who:
Core 3
Oh, it's a core you've put on me! Who told you to do that? Was it her? [as if he's looking around] It's just making me stronger, luv! It's a fool's errand!
Listens:
2085
Who:
Wheatley
I see you
Listens:
2080
Who:
Turret
If you need to go to the bathroom after this next series of tests, please let a test associate know, because in all likelihood, whatever comes out of you is going to be coal. Only temporary, so do not worry. If it persists for a week, though, start worrying and come see us, because that's not supposed to happen.
Listens:
2056
Who:
Cave Johnson
Are you still there? Can you pick me up, do you think? If you are there?
Listens:
2050
Who:
Wheatley
That isn't science.
Listens:
2045
Who:
GLaDOS
You will hear a buzzer. When you hear the buzzer, look up at the ceiling. [BUZZER]
Listens:
2040
Who:
Announcer
Why...
Listens:
2039
Who:
Turret
Ah, I see. Clever. Verrrrrrry clever.
Listens:
2032
Who:
Wheatley
Brain Mapping. Artificial Intelligence. We should have been working on it thirty years ago. I will say this - and I'm gonna say it on tape so everybody hears it a hundred times a day: If I die before you people can pour me into a computer, I want Caroline to run this place.
Listens:
2031
Who:
Cave Johnson
Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve.
Listens:
2021
Who:
Core 3
It burns.
Listens:
2017
Who:
Turret
Oh my god.
Listens:
2013
Who:
GLaDOS
No! Don't! No! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Listens:
2004
Who:
Wheatley
The most poisonous fish in the world is the orange ruffy. Everything but its eyes are made of a deadly poison. The ruffy's eyes are composed of a less harmful, deadly poison.
Listens:
2003
Who:
Core 3
She is a gem.
Listens:
1991
Who:
Cave Johnson
Hello?
Listens:
1991
Who:
Turret
Template
Listens:
1986
Who:
Announcer
And to your right, something huge hurtling towards you OH GOD RUN! THAT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THERE.
Listens:
1986
Who:
Wheatley
Puppet master! You're a puppet in a play, and I hold all the strings! And cards, still. Cards in one hand, strings in the other. And I'm making you dance like a puppet. Playing cards.
Listens:
1979
Who:
Wheatley
You never considered that maybe I tested you to give the endless hours of your pointless existence some structure and meaning. Maybe to help you concentrate, so just maybe you’d think of something more worthwhile to do with your sorry life.
Listens:
1970
Who:
GLaDOS
Good!
Listens:
1967
Who:
Announcer
Hey, be a sport lady, and just tell him I killed you.
Listens:
1960
Who:
Defective Turret
Alright, then. Let us see... 'Vital maintenance protocols.' Wow, there are a lot of them. Should have looked into this earlier. Well, let's try this: [reading while typing] DO THEM. [failure buzzer]. Fair enough. Maybe it's a password.
Listens:
1959
Who:
Wheatley
Did you hear that? I think something just exploded. Man, we are in a lot of danger. This is like Christmas. No, it's better than Christmas. This should be its own holiday. Explosion Day!
Listens:
1958
Who:
Core 2
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
1947
Who:
GLaDOS
WHAT ARE YOU DOING WE DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT BUTTON - oh, the door's open! Well done. Let's see what's inside.
Listens:
1932
Who:
Wheatley
That jumpsuit you're wearing looks stupid. That's not me talking, it's right here in your file. On other people it looks fine, but right here a scientist has noted that on you it looks 'stupid.'
Listens:
1908
Who:
GLaDOS
We haven't entirely nailed down what element it is yet, but I'll tell you this: it's a lively one, and it does NOT like the human skeleton.
Listens:
1905
Who:
Cave Johnson
Go on. Get a big fat eyeful. With your big fat eyes.
Listens:
1899
Who:
GLaDOS
Hmmm. Hmmmmmm. Hmm. Hmmmmm. Space!
Listens:
1895
Who:
Core 1
Preparing to dispense product
Listens:
1895
Who:
Turret
Hey! It's me!
Listens:
1895
Who:
Turret
Now, maybe you don't have any tumors. Well, don't worry. If you sat on a folding chair in the lobby and weren't wearing lead underpants, we took care of that too.
Listens:
1894
Who:
Cave Johnson
Undelete, undelete! Where's the undelete button?
Listens:
1891
Who:
Wheatley
Hello.
Listens:
1889
Who:
Defective Turret
Activated
Listens:
1888
Who:
Turret
We're in space!
Listens:
1886
Who:
Wheatley
Stalemate detected. Transfer procedure cannot continue.
Listens:
1884
Who:
Announcer
That's right. The facility is completely operational again.
Listens:
1882
Who:
GLaDOS
89% of magic tricks are not magic. Technically, they are sorcery.
Listens:
1880
Who:
Core 3
Corrupted Core: are you ready to start?
Listens:
1874
Who:
Announcer
Stalemate Resolution Associate: Please press the Stalemate Resolution Button.
Listens:
1861
Who:
Announcer
I'm in space.
Listens:
1861
Who:
Core 1
00:00 / 00:00
Test Player
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