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Portal 2
Portal 2 DLC
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Portal 1 Music
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TF2 Music
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Happy Explosion Day, gorgeous.
Listens:
2870
Who:
Core 2
To maintain a constant testing cycle, I simulate daylight at all hours and add adrenal vapor to your oxygen supply. So you may be confused about the passage of time. The point is, yesterday was your birthday. I thought you'd want to know.
Listens:
2855
Who:
GLaDOS
We will attempt to comply with these now non-existent agencies by playing some more smooth jazz.
Listens:
2800
Who:
Announcer
I shouldn't spoil this, but... remember how I'm going to live forever, but you're going to be dead in sixty years? Well, I've been working on a present for you. Well, I guess it's more of a medical procedure. Well, technically it's more of a medical experiment. You know how excruciating it is when someone removes all of your bone marrow? Well, what if after I did that, I put something back IN that added four years to your life?
Listens:
2793
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh, that's sad. But impressive. Maybe they worked at the phone company.
Listens:
2786
Who:
GLaDOS
Excellent! You're a predator and these tests are your prey. Speaking of which, I was researching sharks for an upcoming test. Do you know who else murders people who are only trying to help them?
Listens:
2780
Who:
GLaDOS
We're a lot alike, you and I. You tested me. I tested you. You killed me. I--oh, no, wait. I guess I HAVEN'T killed you yet. Well. Food for thought.
Listens:
2776
Who:
GLaDOS
Ayeyeyeyeye
Listens:
2763
Who:
Turret
And we would have talked our way out of it. Oh! Except you forgot to tell me you'd murdered her. And that she needed you to live, so the only available vent for her rage would be good old crushable Wheatley. Yeah. Little details I remember. Easy little tidbits you could have used to save me from getting crushed if you'd cared, which you didn't, obviously. And still don't.
Listens:
2762
Who:
Wheatley
Hey lady. Lady. I'm the best. I'm the best at space.
Listens:
2748
Who:
Core 1
Who ARE you?
Listens:
2747
Who:
Turret
So. Welcome to Aperture. You're here because we want the best, and you're it. Nope. Couldn't keep a straight face.
Listens:
2732
Who:
Cave Johnson
The lab boys just informed me that I should not have mentioned the control group. They're telling me I oughtta stop making these pre-recorded messages. That gave me an idea: make more pre-recorded messages. I pay the bills here, I can talk about the control group all damn day.
Listens:
2730
Who:
Cave Johnson
If you are a non-employee who has discovered this facility amid the ruins of civilization, welcome! And remember: Testing is the future, and the future starts with you.
Listens:
2724
Who:
Announcer
In Greek myth, Prometheus stole fire from the Gods and gave it to humankind. The jewelry he kept for himself.
Listens:
2723
Who:
Core 3
Could you come over here?
Listens:
2721
Who:
Turret
If you've cut yourself at all in the course of these tests, you might have noticed that your blood is pure gasoline. That's normal. We've been shooting you with an invisible laser that's supposed to turn blood into gasoline, so all that means is, it's working.
Listens:
2699
Who:
Cave Johnson
We're still doing science sir.
Listens:
2681
Who:
Caroline
Moo hoo ha ha ha ha...
Listens:
2657
Who:
Defective Turret
Where am I? Guess. Guess guess guess. I'm in space.
Listens:
2649
Who:
Core 1
Powerup complete.
Listens:
2648
Who:
Announcer
Otherwise, I'm afraid you're about to become the immediate past president of the Being Alive club. Ha ha.
Listens:
2646
Who:
GLaDOS
Space going to space can't wait.
Listens:
2644
Who:
Core 1
Reactor Explosion Timer destroyed.
Listens:
2641
Who:
Announcer
Oh, it's fluttering its wings. Tell you what, mate. I'll come in there for a minute and cover you so you can have a look at this lovely bird! I'll come in. I'll do all the neurotoxin stuff. And then you come out here and look at this. Because it is lovely. It is lovely. You want to get out here fast. Seriously, my pleasure sounds are going to frighten the bird away any second. Ohhh, it's not working, is it? He's not interested in bloody birds.
Listens:
2631
Who:
Wheatley
Excuse me, you’re squishing me.
Listens:
2618
Who:
Turret
If you have trouble with simple counting, use the following mnemonic device: one comes before two comes before 60 comes after 12 comes before six trillion comes after 504. This will make your earlier counting difficulties seem like no big deal.
Listens:
2614
Who:
Core 3
Yeah. Clickety click click. Right on the money.
Listens:
2604
Who:
Defective Turret
You know how I'm going to live forever, but you're going to be dead in sixty years? Well, I've been working on a belated birthday present for you. Well... more of a belated birthday medical procedure. Well. Technically, it's a medical EXPERIMENT. What's important is, it's a present.
Listens:
2600
Who:
GLaDOS
Nap time
Listens:
2596
Who:
Turret
Annnnnnnnd... Nothing.
Listens:
2592
Who:
Wheatley
I did everything you asked!
Listens:
2588
Who:
Turret
Wheeeeeeee!
Listens:
2556
Who:
Turret
Goodbye!
Listens:
2556
Who:
Turret
Great work! Because this message is prerecorded, any observations related to your performance are speculation on our part. Please disregard any undeserved compliments.
Listens:
2531
Who:
Announcer
The situation you are in is very dangerous.
Listens:
2513
Who:
Core 3
And then you showed up. You dangerous, mute lunatic. So you know what?
Listens:
2507
Who:
GLaDOS
William Shakespeare did not exist. His plays were masterminded in 1589 by Francis Bacon, who used a Ouija board to enslave play-writing ghosts.
Listens:
2500
Who:
Core 3
Blue, I agree. I never noticed that about Orange before.
Listens:
2482
Who:
GLaDOS
You're saying to yourself, why should I jump into the pit? I'll tell you why. Guess who's down there? Your parents! You're not adopted after all! It's your natural parents down there in the pit. Should have mentioned it before. But I didn't. So jump on down and reunite with mommy and daddy.
Listens:
2474
Who:
Wheatley
Since making test participation mandatory for all employees, the quality of our test subjects has risen dramatically. Employee retention, however, has not.
Listens:
2455
Who:
Cave Johnson
Deploying
Listens:
2450
Who:
Turret
I am!
Listens:
2449
Who:
Caroline
You did WHAT?
Listens:
2448
Who:
Wheatley
Welcome to the Computer Intelligence Training and Enrichment Center Human Test Subject Research Center. You have unlocked all available courses.
Listens:
2433
Who:
Announcer
Space!
Listens:
2408
Who:
Core 1
Some emergency testing may require prolonged interaction with lethal military androids. Rest assured that all lethal military androids have been taught to read and provided with one copy of the Laws of Robotics. To share.
Listens:
2378
Who:
Announcer
Oh, brilliant. You DID find a portal gun! You know what? It just goes to show: people with brain damage are the real heroes in the end aren't they? At the end of the day. Brave.
Listens:
2371
Who:
Wheatley
Pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out!
Listens:
2366
Who:
Wheatley
Awwww
Listens:
2339
Who:
Turret
Wait wait wait wait. I know I know I know. Lady wait. Wait. I know. Wait. Space.
Listens:
2337
Who:
Core 1
Atmosphere. Black holes. Astronauts. Nebulas. Jupiter. The Big Dipper.
Listens:
2335
Who:
Core 1
Sorry
Listens:
2331
Who:
Turret
Hello again. Sorry about exploding you. Luckily, you don't feel pain. At any rate, you don't have a way to communicate that you feel pain.
Listens:
2283
Who:
GLaDOS
I see you
Listens:
2283
Who:
Turret
Wanna go to earth wanna go to earth wanna go to earth wanna go to earth. Wanna go to earth.
Listens:
2252
Who:
Core 1
Good!
Listens:
2236
Who:
Announcer
Why...
Listens:
2233
Who:
Turret
Hello?
Listens:
2232
Who:
Turret
Ah, I see. Clever. Verrrrrrry clever.
Listens:
2230
Who:
Wheatley
It burns.
Listens:
2229
Who:
Turret
Oh, it's a core you've put on me! Who told you to do that? Was it her? [as if he's looking around] It's just making me stronger, luv! It's a fool's errand!
Listens:
2227
Who:
Wheatley
You will hear a buzzer. When you hear the buzzer, look up at the ceiling. [BUZZER]
Listens:
2221
Who:
Announcer
The Fact Sphere is not defective. Its facts are wholly accurate and very interesting.
Listens:
2200
Who:
Core 3
That isn't science.
Listens:
2200
Who:
GLaDOS
No! Don't! No! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Listens:
2196
Who:
Wheatley
Hey! It's me!
Listens:
2196
Who:
Turret
Not bad. I forgot how good you are at this. You should pace yourself, though. We have A LOT of tests to do.
Listens:
2195
Who:
GLaDOS
Template
Listens:
2183
Who:
Announcer
Brain Mapping. Artificial Intelligence. We should have been working on it thirty years ago. I will say this - and I'm gonna say it on tape so everybody hears it a hundred times a day: If I die before you people can pour me into a computer, I want Caroline to run this place.
Listens:
2168
Who:
Cave Johnson
Hey, be a sport lady, and just tell him I killed you.
Listens:
2167
Who:
Defective Turret
Hello.
Listens:
2167
Who:
Defective Turret
If you need to go to the bathroom after this next series of tests, please let a test associate know, because in all likelihood, whatever comes out of you is going to be coal. Only temporary, so do not worry. If it persists for a week, though, start worrying and come see us, because that's not supposed to happen.
Listens:
2166
Who:
Cave Johnson
Oh my god.
Listens:
2163
Who:
GLaDOS
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
2147
Who:
GLaDOS
Are you still there? Can you pick me up, do you think? If you are there?
Listens:
2143
Who:
Wheatley
Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve.
Listens:
2132
Who:
Core 3
WHAT ARE YOU DOING WE DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT BUTTON - oh, the door's open! Well done. Let's see what's inside.
Listens:
2122
Who:
Wheatley
She is a gem.
Listens:
2120
Who:
Cave Johnson
Puppet master! You're a puppet in a play, and I hold all the strings! And cards, still. Cards in one hand, strings in the other. And I'm making you dance like a puppet. Playing cards.
Listens:
2119
Who:
Wheatley
And to your right, something huge hurtling towards you OH GOD RUN! THAT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THERE.
Listens:
2118
Who:
Wheatley
Activated
Listens:
2115
Who:
Turret
The most poisonous fish in the world is the orange ruffy. Everything but its eyes are made of a deadly poison. The ruffy's eyes are composed of a less harmful, deadly poison.
Listens:
2097
Who:
Core 3
Alright, then. Let us see... 'Vital maintenance protocols.' Wow, there are a lot of them. Should have looked into this earlier. Well, let's try this: [reading while typing] DO THEM. [failure buzzer]. Fair enough. Maybe it's a password.
Listens:
2096
Who:
Wheatley
Preparing to dispense product
Listens:
2095
Who:
Turret
You never considered that maybe I tested you to give the endless hours of your pointless existence some structure and meaning. Maybe to help you concentrate, so just maybe you’d think of something more worthwhile to do with your sorry life.
Listens:
2087
Who:
GLaDOS
That jumpsuit you're wearing looks stupid. That's not me talking, it's right here in your file. On other people it looks fine, but right here a scientist has noted that on you it looks 'stupid.'
Listens:
2071
Who:
GLaDOS
Corrupted Core: are you ready to start?
Listens:
2067
Who:
Announcer
Undelete, undelete! Where's the undelete button?
Listens:
2045
Who:
Wheatley
Hmmm. Hmmmmmm. Hmm. Hmmmmm. Space!
Listens:
2043
Who:
Core 1
Stalemate detected. Transfer procedure cannot continue.
Listens:
2039
Who:
Announcer
You broke it, didn't you.
Listens:
2036
Who:
GLaDOS
Did you hear that? I think something just exploded. Man, we are in a lot of danger. This is like Christmas. No, it's better than Christmas. This should be its own holiday. Explosion Day!
Listens:
2035
Who:
Core 2
Stalemate Resolution Associate: Please press the Stalemate Resolution Button.
Listens:
2028
Who:
Announcer
We haven't entirely nailed down what element it is yet, but I'll tell you this: it's a lively one, and it does NOT like the human skeleton.
Listens:
2027
Who:
Cave Johnson
That's right. The facility is completely operational again.
Listens:
2025
Who:
GLaDOS
I'm in space.
Listens:
2019
Who:
Core 1
Grab me grab me grab me! Grab meeee!
Listens:
2019
Who:
Wheatley
Go on. Get a big fat eyeful. With your big fat eyes.
Listens:
2017
Who:
GLaDOS
We're in space!
Listens:
2015
Who:
Wheatley
00:00 / 00:00
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