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If you've cut yourself at all in the course of these tests, you might have noticed that your blood is pure gasoline. That's normal. We've been shooting you with an invisible laser that's supposed to turn blood into gasoline, so all that means is, it's working.
Listens:
2339
Who:
Cave Johnson
Oh, that's sad. But impressive. Maybe they worked at the phone company.
Listens:
2338
Who:
GLaDOS
We're a lot alike, you and I. You tested me. I tested you. You killed me. I--oh, no, wait. I guess I HAVEN'T killed you yet. Well. Food for thought.
Listens:
2335
Who:
GLaDOS
We're still doing science sir.
Listens:
2318
Who:
Caroline
Where am I? Guess. Guess guess guess. I'm in space.
Listens:
2317
Who:
Core 1
Excellent! You're a predator and these tests are your prey. Speaking of which, I was researching sharks for an upcoming test. Do you know who else murders people who are only trying to help them?
Listens:
2314
Who:
GLaDOS
Now it's broken turret's time to shine!
Listens:
2307
Who:
Defective Turret
You know how I'm going to live forever, but you're going to be dead in sixty years? Well, I've been working on a belated birthday present for you. Well... more of a belated birthday medical procedure. Well. Technically, it's a medical EXPERIMENT. What's important is, it's a present.
Listens:
2304
Who:
GLaDOS
Hey, where are we goingNOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Listens:
2295
Who:
Defective Turret
If you are a non-employee who has discovered this facility amid the ruins of civilization, welcome! And remember: Testing is the future, and the future starts with you.
Listens:
2293
Who:
Announcer
Oh, it's fluttering its wings. Tell you what, mate. I'll come in there for a minute and cover you so you can have a look at this lovely bird! I'll come in. I'll do all the neurotoxin stuff. And then you come out here and look at this. Because it is lovely. It is lovely. You want to get out here fast. Seriously, my pleasure sounds are going to frighten the bird away any second. Ohhh, it's not working, is it? He's not interested in bloody birds.
Listens:
2277
Who:
Wheatley
If you have trouble with simple counting, use the following mnemonic device: one comes before two comes before 60 comes after 12 comes before six trillion comes after 504. This will make your earlier counting difficulties seem like no big deal.
Listens:
2275
Who:
Core 3
Space going to space can't wait.
Listens:
2265
Who:
Core 1
Well, hello, stranger!
Listens:
2264
Who:
Defective Turret
I shouldn't spoil this, but... remember how I'm going to live forever, but you're going to be dead in sixty years? Well, I've been working on a present for you. Well, I guess it's more of a medical procedure. Well, technically it's more of a medical experiment. You know how excruciating it is when someone removes all of your bone marrow? Well, what if after I did that, I put something back IN that added four years to your life?
Listens:
2258
Who:
GLaDOS
To maintain a constant testing cycle, I simulate daylight at all hours and add adrenal vapor to your oxygen supply. So you may be confused about the passage of time. The point is, yesterday was your birthday. I thought you'd want to know.
Listens:
2256
Who:
GLaDOS
William Shakespeare did not exist. His plays were masterminded in 1589 by Francis Bacon, who used a Ouija board to enslave play-writing ghosts.
Listens:
2232
Who:
Core 3
Otherwise, I'm afraid you're about to become the immediate past president of the Being Alive club. Ha ha.
Listens:
2231
Who:
GLaDOS
Could you come over here?
Listens:
2208
Who:
Turret
The situation you are in is very dangerous.
Listens:
2195
Who:
Core 3
Great work! Because this message is prerecorded, any observations related to your performance are speculation on our part. Please disregard any undeserved compliments.
Listens:
2188
Who:
Announcer
You're saying to yourself, why should I jump into the pit? I'll tell you why. Guess who's down there? Your parents! You're not adopted after all! It's your natural parents down there in the pit. Should have mentioned it before. But I didn't. So jump on down and reunite with mommy and daddy.
Listens:
2165
Who:
Wheatley
Who ARE you?
Listens:
2145
Who:
Turret
Moo hoo ha ha ha ha...
Listens:
2121
Who:
Defective Turret
Nap time
Listens:
2120
Who:
Turret
Powerup complete.
Listens:
2109
Who:
Announcer
Annnnnnnnd... Nothing.
Listens:
2106
Who:
Wheatley
And then you showed up. You dangerous, mute lunatic. So you know what?
Listens:
2103
Who:
GLaDOS
Yeah. Clickety click click. Right on the money.
Listens:
2097
Who:
Defective Turret
Since making test participation mandatory for all employees, the quality of our test subjects has risen dramatically. Employee retention, however, has not.
Listens:
2089
Who:
Cave Johnson
Oh, brilliant. You DID find a portal gun! You know what? It just goes to show: people with brain damage are the real heroes in the end aren't they? At the end of the day. Brave.
Listens:
2065
Who:
Wheatley
Some emergency testing may require prolonged interaction with lethal military androids. Rest assured that all lethal military androids have been taught to read and provided with one copy of the Laws of Robotics. To share.
Listens:
2058
Who:
Announcer
Reactor Explosion Timer destroyed.
Listens:
2040
Who:
Announcer
Pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out!
Listens:
2039
Who:
Wheatley
Goodbye!
Listens:
2028
Who:
Turret
Welcome to the Computer Intelligence Training and Enrichment Center Human Test Subject Research Center. You have unlocked all available courses.
Listens:
2020
Who:
Announcer
I am!
Listens:
2002
Who:
Caroline
Ayeyeyeyeye
Listens:
1996
Who:
Turret
You did WHAT?
Listens:
1990
Who:
Wheatley
Not bad. I forgot how good you are at this. You should pace yourself, though. We have A LOT of tests to do.
Listens:
1989
Who:
GLaDOS
I did everything you asked!
Listens:
1976
Who:
Turret
Wait wait wait wait. I know I know I know. Lady wait. Wait. I know. Wait. Space.
Listens:
1961
Who:
Core 1
Excuse me, you’re squishing me.
Listens:
1950
Who:
Turret
Atmosphere. Black holes. Astronauts. Nebulas. Jupiter. The Big Dipper.
Listens:
1949
Who:
Core 1
Deploying
Listens:
1937
Who:
Turret
The Fact Sphere is not defective. Its facts are wholly accurate and very interesting.
Listens:
1936
Who:
Core 3
Space!
Listens:
1935
Who:
Core 1
Oh, it's a core you've put on me! Who told you to do that? Was it her? [as if he's looking around] It's just making me stronger, luv! It's a fool's errand!
Listens:
1928
Who:
Wheatley
Hello again. Sorry about exploding you. Luckily, you don't feel pain. At any rate, you don't have a way to communicate that you feel pain.
Listens:
1915
Who:
GLaDOS
Are you still there? Can you pick me up, do you think? If you are there?
Listens:
1906
Who:
Wheatley
If you need to go to the bathroom after this next series of tests, please let a test associate know, because in all likelihood, whatever comes out of you is going to be coal. Only temporary, so do not worry. If it persists for a week, though, start worrying and come see us, because that's not supposed to happen.
Listens:
1880
Who:
Cave Johnson
Did you hear that? I think something just exploded. Man, we are in a lot of danger. This is like Christmas. No, it's better than Christmas. This should be its own holiday. Explosion Day!
Listens:
1861
Who:
Core 2
That isn't science.
Listens:
1861
Who:
GLaDOS
Wheeeeeeee!
Listens:
1855
Who:
Turret
The most poisonous fish in the world is the orange ruffy. Everything but its eyes are made of a deadly poison. The ruffy's eyes are composed of a less harmful, deadly poison.
Listens:
1853
Who:
Core 3
Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve.
Listens:
1827
Who:
Core 3
Sorry
Listens:
1824
Who:
Turret
clickclickclick
Listens:
1813
Who:
Defective Turret
Ah, I see. Clever. Verrrrrrry clever.
Listens:
1811
Who:
Wheatley
Brain Mapping. Artificial Intelligence. We should have been working on it thirty years ago. I will say this - and I'm gonna say it on tape so everybody hears it a hundred times a day: If I die before you people can pour me into a computer, I want Caroline to run this place.
Listens:
1808
Who:
Cave Johnson
She is a gem.
Listens:
1806
Who:
Cave Johnson
Puppet master! You're a puppet in a play, and I hold all the strings! And cards, still. Cards in one hand, strings in the other. And I'm making you dance like a puppet. Playing cards.
Listens:
1806
Who:
Wheatley
You never considered that maybe I tested you to give the endless hours of your pointless existence some structure and meaning. Maybe to help you concentrate, so just maybe you’d think of something more worthwhile to do with your sorry life.
Listens:
1802
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh my god.
Listens:
1779
Who:
GLaDOS
Alright, then. Let us see... 'Vital maintenance protocols.' Wow, there are a lot of them. Should have looked into this earlier. Well, let's try this: [reading while typing] DO THEM. [failure buzzer]. Fair enough. Maybe it's a password.
Listens:
1767
Who:
Wheatley
And to your right, something huge hurtling towards you OH GOD RUN! THAT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THERE.
Listens:
1765
Who:
Wheatley
I see you
Listens:
1761
Who:
Turret
That jumpsuit you're wearing looks stupid. That's not me talking, it's right here in your file. On other people it looks fine, but right here a scientist has noted that on you it looks 'stupid.'
Listens:
1751
Who:
GLaDOS
Here's the plan: Get him to say, 'You two have been a thorn in my side long enough.' Then tell your pretty ears to stand back, because I am going to zing him into space.
Listens:
1750
Who:
Core 2
You will hear a buzzer. When you hear the buzzer, look up at the ceiling. [BUZZER]
Listens:
1743
Who:
Announcer
Go on. Get a big fat eyeful. With your big fat eyes.
Listens:
1740
Who:
GLaDOS
Now, maybe you don't have any tumors. Well, don't worry. If you sat on a folding chair in the lobby and weren't wearing lead underpants, we took care of that too.
Listens:
1732
Who:
Cave Johnson
We haven't entirely nailed down what element it is yet, but I'll tell you this: it's a lively one, and it does NOT like the human skeleton.
Listens:
1729
Who:
Cave Johnson
Why...
Listens:
1724
Who:
Turret
No! Don't! No! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Listens:
1717
Who:
Wheatley
89% of magic tricks are not magic. Technically, they are sorcery.
Listens:
1708
Who:
Core 3
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
1705
Who:
GLaDOS
It burns.
Listens:
1699
Who:
Turret
Hmmm. Hmmmmmm. Hmm. Hmmmmm. Space!
Listens:
1698
Who:
Core 1
Stalemate detected. Transfer procedure cannot continue.
Listens:
1695
Who:
Announcer
Undelete, undelete! Where's the undelete button?
Listens:
1694
Who:
Wheatley
WHAT ARE YOU DOING WE DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT BUTTON - oh, the door's open! Well done. Let's see what's inside.
Listens:
1685
Who:
Wheatley
Ha ha ha ha ha, good one.
Listens:
1679
Who:
GLaDOS
Awwww
Listens:
1673
Who:
Turret
Pants were invented by sailors in the sixteenth century to avoid Poseidon's wrath. It was believed that the sight of naked sailors angered the sea god.
Listens:
1672
Who:
Core 3
Don't think I'm not onto you too, lady. You know what you are? Selfish. I've done nothing but sacrifice to get us here! What have you sacrificed? NOTHING. Zero. All you've done is BOSS ME AROUND. Well, NOW who's the boss? Who's the boss? It's me!
Listens:
1672
Who:
Wheatley
Stalemate Resolution Associate: Please press the Stalemate Resolution Button.
Listens:
1667
Who:
Announcer
Hey, be a sport lady, and just tell him I killed you.
Listens:
1665
Who:
Defective Turret
We're in space!
Listens:
1664
Who:
Wheatley
You know who found that interesting? Nobody. That didn't affect anybody's life in any way whatsoever. Life would be exactly the same if you hadn't said anything.
Listens:
1653
Who:
Core 2
That's right. The facility is completely operational again.
Listens:
1650
Who:
GLaDOS
Going to space going there can't wait gotta go. Space. Going.
Listens:
1649
Who:
Core 1
But you were different weren't you? Such a good jumper. Problem solver. Clever. But ambitious. That's your Achilles Heel. Mine's-oh! Oh! Almost told you. Clever, clever girl. Again: brain damaged like a fox, you.
Listens:
1648
Who:
Wheatley
Good!
Listens:
1647
Who:
Announcer
Preparing to dispense product
Listens:
1644
Who:
Turret
You broke it, didn't you.
Listens:
1640
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello?
Listens:
1640
Who:
Turret
[to self] Hm. Could be Spanish, could be Spanish. [loud again] Hola, amigo! Abre la puerta! Donde esta--no. Um...
Listens:
1633
Who:
Wheatley
Ahhhohohhhh. Wow. Well done, seriously, both of you. Why don't you two go on ahead? I'll catch up with you.
Listens:
1630
Who:
Wheatley
Seriously, though. Goodbye.
Listens:
1629
Who:
GLaDOS
00:00 / 00:00
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