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Portal 2
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We're still doing science sir.
Listens:
2149
Who:
Caroline
We're a lot alike, you and I. You tested me. I tested you. You killed me. I--oh, no, wait. I guess I HAVEN'T killed you yet. Well. Food for thought.
Listens:
2145
Who:
GLaDOS
You know how I'm going to live forever, but you're going to be dead in sixty years? Well, I've been working on a belated birthday present for you. Well... more of a belated birthday medical procedure. Well. Technically, it's a medical EXPERIMENT. What's important is, it's a present.
Listens:
2140
Who:
GLaDOS
If you have trouble with simple counting, use the following mnemonic device: one comes before two comes before 60 comes after 12 comes before six trillion comes after 504. This will make your earlier counting difficulties seem like no big deal.
Listens:
2137
Who:
Core 3
Excellent! You're a predator and these tests are your prey. Speaking of which, I was researching sharks for an upcoming test. Do you know who else murders people who are only trying to help them?
Listens:
2133
Who:
GLaDOS
If you are a non-employee who has discovered this facility amid the ruins of civilization, welcome! And remember: Testing is the future, and the future starts with you.
Listens:
2130
Who:
Announcer
We made it we made it we made it. Space!
Listens:
2130
Who:
Core 1
Oh, it's fluttering its wings. Tell you what, mate. I'll come in there for a minute and cover you so you can have a look at this lovely bird! I'll come in. I'll do all the neurotoxin stuff. And then you come out here and look at this. Because it is lovely. It is lovely. You want to get out here fast. Seriously, my pleasure sounds are going to frighten the bird away any second. Ohhh, it's not working, is it? He's not interested in bloody birds.
Listens:
2127
Who:
Wheatley
I shouldn't spoil this, but... remember how I'm going to live forever, but you're going to be dead in sixty years? Well, I've been working on a present for you. Well, I guess it's more of a medical procedure. Well, technically it's more of a medical experiment. You know how excruciating it is when someone removes all of your bone marrow? Well, what if after I did that, I put something back IN that added four years to your life?
Listens:
2102
Who:
GLaDOS
To maintain a constant testing cycle, I simulate daylight at all hours and add adrenal vapor to your oxygen supply. So you may be confused about the passage of time. The point is, yesterday was your birthday. I thought you'd want to know.
Listens:
2096
Who:
GLaDOS
William Shakespeare did not exist. His plays were masterminded in 1589 by Francis Bacon, who used a Ouija board to enslave play-writing ghosts.
Listens:
2092
Who:
Core 3
Space going to space can't wait.
Listens:
2086
Who:
Core 1
Now it's broken turret's time to shine!
Listens:
2076
Who:
Defective Turret
You can't fire me I quit!
Listens:
2075
Who:
Defective Turret
The situation you are in is very dangerous.
Listens:
2040
Who:
Core 3
Great work! Because this message is prerecorded, any observations related to your performance are speculation on our part. Please disregard any undeserved compliments.
Listens:
2034
Who:
Announcer
Hello.
Listens:
2034
Who:
Turret
Otherwise, I'm afraid you're about to become the immediate past president of the Being Alive club. Ha ha.
Listens:
2008
Who:
GLaDOS
You're saying to yourself, why should I jump into the pit? I'll tell you why. Guess who's down there? Your parents! You're not adopted after all! It's your natural parents down there in the pit. Should have mentioned it before. But I didn't. So jump on down and reunite with mommy and daddy.
Listens:
2004
Who:
Wheatley
Well, hello, stranger!
Listens:
2000
Who:
Defective Turret
Could you come over here?
Listens:
1996
Who:
Turret
Hey, where are we goingNOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Listens:
1961
Who:
Defective Turret
And then you showed up. You dangerous, mute lunatic. So you know what?
Listens:
1950
Who:
GLaDOS
Since making test participation mandatory for all employees, the quality of our test subjects has risen dramatically. Employee retention, however, has not.
Listens:
1936
Who:
Cave Johnson
Oh, brilliant. You DID find a portal gun! You know what? It just goes to show: people with brain damage are the real heroes in the end aren't they? At the end of the day. Brave.
Listens:
1935
Who:
Wheatley
Some emergency testing may require prolonged interaction with lethal military androids. Rest assured that all lethal military androids have been taught to read and provided with one copy of the Laws of Robotics. To share.
Listens:
1921
Who:
Announcer
Not bad. I forgot how good you are at this. You should pace yourself, though. We have A LOT of tests to do.
Listens:
1910
Who:
GLaDOS
Who ARE you?
Listens:
1909
Who:
Turret
Nap time
Listens:
1899
Who:
Turret
Moo hoo ha ha ha ha...
Listens:
1894
Who:
Defective Turret
Annnnnnnnd... Nothing.
Listens:
1882
Who:
Wheatley
Pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out!
Listens:
1880
Who:
Wheatley
Welcome to the Computer Intelligence Training and Enrichment Center Human Test Subject Research Center. You have unlocked all available courses.
Listens:
1850
Who:
Announcer
Powerup complete.
Listens:
1847
Who:
Announcer
Wait wait wait wait. I know I know I know. Lady wait. Wait. I know. Wait. Space.
Listens:
1823
Who:
Core 1
The Fact Sphere is not defective. Its facts are wholly accurate and very interesting.
Listens:
1815
Who:
Core 3
I am!
Listens:
1810
Who:
Caroline
Atmosphere. Black holes. Astronauts. Nebulas. Jupiter. The Big Dipper.
Listens:
1809
Who:
Core 1
Yeah. Clickety click click. Right on the money.
Listens:
1809
Who:
Defective Turret
Goodbye!
Listens:
1802
Who:
Turret
Oh, it's a core you've put on me! Who told you to do that? Was it her? [as if he's looking around] It's just making me stronger, luv! It's a fool's errand!
Listens:
1797
Who:
Wheatley
Are you still there? Can you pick me up, do you think? If you are there?
Listens:
1787
Who:
Wheatley
Reactor Explosion Timer destroyed.
Listens:
1784
Who:
Announcer
Did you hear that? I think something just exploded. Man, we are in a lot of danger. This is like Christmas. No, it's better than Christmas. This should be its own holiday. Explosion Day!
Listens:
1777
Who:
Core 2
You did WHAT?
Listens:
1771
Who:
Wheatley
Hello again. Sorry about exploding you. Luckily, you don't feel pain. At any rate, you don't have a way to communicate that you feel pain.
Listens:
1767
Who:
GLaDOS
Deploying
Listens:
1765
Who:
Turret
Space!
Listens:
1759
Who:
Core 1
The most poisonous fish in the world is the orange ruffy. Everything but its eyes are made of a deadly poison. The ruffy's eyes are composed of a less harmful, deadly poison.
Listens:
1753
Who:
Core 3
Ayeyeyeyeye
Listens:
1734
Who:
Turret
If you need to go to the bathroom after this next series of tests, please let a test associate know, because in all likelihood, whatever comes out of you is going to be coal. Only temporary, so do not worry. If it persists for a week, though, start worrying and come see us, because that's not supposed to happen.
Listens:
1731
Who:
Cave Johnson
I did everything you asked!
Listens:
1713
Who:
Turret
That isn't science.
Listens:
1711
Who:
GLaDOS
You never considered that maybe I tested you to give the endless hours of your pointless existence some structure and meaning. Maybe to help you concentrate, so just maybe you’d think of something more worthwhile to do with your sorry life.
Listens:
1693
Who:
GLaDOS
Puppet master! You're a puppet in a play, and I hold all the strings! And cards, still. Cards in one hand, strings in the other. And I'm making you dance like a puppet. Playing cards.
Listens:
1685
Who:
Wheatley
Excuse me, you’re squishing me.
Listens:
1684
Who:
Turret
Here's the plan: Get him to say, 'You two have been a thorn in my side long enough.' Then tell your pretty ears to stand back, because I am going to zing him into space.
Listens:
1679
Who:
Core 2
Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve.
Listens:
1671
Who:
Core 3
She is a gem.
Listens:
1663
Who:
Cave Johnson
That jumpsuit you're wearing looks stupid. That's not me talking, it's right here in your file. On other people it looks fine, but right here a scientist has noted that on you it looks 'stupid.'
Listens:
1645
Who:
GLaDOS
Sorry
Listens:
1633
Who:
Turret
Ah, I see. Clever. Verrrrrrry clever.
Listens:
1632
Who:
Wheatley
Brain Mapping. Artificial Intelligence. We should have been working on it thirty years ago. I will say this - and I'm gonna say it on tape so everybody hears it a hundred times a day: If I die before you people can pour me into a computer, I want Caroline to run this place.
Listens:
1628
Who:
Cave Johnson
Alright, then. Let us see... 'Vital maintenance protocols.' Wow, there are a lot of them. Should have looked into this earlier. Well, let's try this: [reading while typing] DO THEM. [failure buzzer]. Fair enough. Maybe it's a password.
Listens:
1621
Who:
Wheatley
Go on. Get a big fat eyeful. With your big fat eyes.
Listens:
1614
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh my god.
Listens:
1609
Who:
GLaDOS
Now, maybe you don't have any tumors. Well, don't worry. If you sat on a folding chair in the lobby and weren't wearing lead underpants, we took care of that too.
Listens:
1607
Who:
Cave Johnson
Wheeeeeeee!
Listens:
1601
Who:
Turret
You know who found that interesting? Nobody. That didn't affect anybody's life in any way whatsoever. Life would be exactly the same if you hadn't said anything.
Listens:
1592
Who:
Core 2
And to your right, something huge hurtling towards you OH GOD RUN! THAT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THERE.
Listens:
1591
Who:
Wheatley
We haven't entirely nailed down what element it is yet, but I'll tell you this: it's a lively one, and it does NOT like the human skeleton.
Listens:
1588
Who:
Cave Johnson
Ha ha ha ha ha, good one.
Listens:
1587
Who:
GLaDOS
Pants were invented by sailors in the sixteenth century to avoid Poseidon's wrath. It was believed that the sight of naked sailors angered the sea god.
Listens:
1579
Who:
Core 3
89% of magic tricks are not magic. Technically, they are sorcery.
Listens:
1564
Who:
Core 3
You will hear a buzzer. When you hear the buzzer, look up at the ceiling. [BUZZER]
Listens:
1557
Who:
Announcer
Hmmm. Hmmmmmm. Hmm. Hmmmmm. Space!
Listens:
1554
Who:
Core 1
I see you
Listens:
1550
Who:
Turret
Stalemate detected. Transfer procedure cannot continue.
Listens:
1549
Who:
Announcer
Going to space going there can't wait gotta go. Space. Going.
Listens:
1537
Who:
Core 1
But you were different weren't you? Such a good jumper. Problem solver. Clever. But ambitious. That's your Achilles Heel. Mine's-oh! Oh! Almost told you. Clever, clever girl. Again: brain damaged like a fox, you.
Listens:
1536
Who:
Wheatley
Why...
Listens:
1533
Who:
Turret
Don't think I'm not onto you too, lady. You know what you are? Selfish. I've done nothing but sacrifice to get us here! What have you sacrificed? NOTHING. Zero. All you've done is BOSS ME AROUND. Well, NOW who's the boss? Who's the boss? It's me!
Listens:
1527
Who:
Wheatley
Undelete, undelete! Where's the undelete button?
Listens:
1519
Who:
Wheatley
That's right. The facility is completely operational again.
Listens:
1515
Who:
GLaDOS
It burns.
Listens:
1509
Who:
Turret
WHAT ARE YOU DOING WE DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT BUTTON - oh, the door's open! Well done. Let's see what's inside.
Listens:
1506
Who:
Wheatley
Marie Curie invented the theory of radioactivity, the treatment of radioactivity, and dying of radioactivity.
Listens:
1504
Who:
Core 3
[to self] Hm. Could be Spanish, could be Spanish. [loud again] Hola, amigo! Abre la puerta! Donde esta--no. Um...
Listens:
1503
Who:
Wheatley
clickclickclick
Listens:
1499
Who:
Defective Turret
You broke it, didn't you.
Listens:
1497
Who:
GLaDOS
Stalemate Resolution Associate: Please press the Stalemate Resolution Button.
Listens:
1492
Who:
Announcer
This next test involves the Aperture Science Aerial Faith Plate. It was part of an initiative to investigate how well test subjects could solve problems when they were catapulted into space. Results were highly informative: They could not. Good luck!
Listens:
1491
Who:
GLaDOS
But the real point is - oh, oh! You know what I've just remembered? Football! Kicking a ball around for fun. Cruel, obviously. Humans love it. Metaphor. Should have seen this coming.
Listens:
1490
Who:
Wheatley
Ahhhohohhhh. Wow. Well done, seriously, both of you. Why don't you two go on ahead? I'll catch up with you.
Listens:
1490
Who:
Wheatley
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
1482
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello?
Listens:
1481
Who:
Turret
We're in space!
Listens:
1478
Who:
Wheatley
Awwww
Listens:
1472
Who:
Turret
Seriously, though. Goodbye.
Listens:
1464
Who:
GLaDOS
Good work getting this far, future-starter! That said, if you are simple-minded, old, or irradiated in such a way that the future should not start with you, please return to your primitive tribe and send back someone better-qualified for testing.
Listens:
1460
Who:
Announcer
00:00 / 00:00
Test Player
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