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Now it's broken turret's time to shine!
Listens:
2493
Who:
Defective Turret
So. Welcome to Aperture. You're here because we want the best, and you're it. Nope. Couldn't keep a straight face.
Listens:
2478
Who:
Cave Johnson
The lab boys just informed me that I should not have mentioned the control group. They're telling me I oughtta stop making these pre-recorded messages. That gave me an idea: make more pre-recorded messages. I pay the bills here, I can talk about the control group all damn day.
Listens:
2472
Who:
Cave Johnson
We're a lot alike, you and I. You tested me. I tested you. You killed me. I--oh, no, wait. I guess I HAVEN'T killed you yet. Well. Food for thought.
Listens:
2457
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh, that's sad. But impressive. Maybe they worked at the phone company.
Listens:
2454
Who:
GLaDOS
If you've cut yourself at all in the course of these tests, you might have noticed that your blood is pure gasoline. That's normal. We've been shooting you with an invisible laser that's supposed to turn blood into gasoline, so all that means is, it's working.
Listens:
2442
Who:
Cave Johnson
Where am I? Guess. Guess guess guess. I'm in space.
Listens:
2425
Who:
Core 1
If you are a non-employee who has discovered this facility amid the ruins of civilization, welcome! And remember: Testing is the future, and the future starts with you.
Listens:
2423
Who:
Announcer
We're still doing science sir.
Listens:
2423
Who:
Caroline
Excellent! You're a predator and these tests are your prey. Speaking of which, I was researching sharks for an upcoming test. Do you know who else murders people who are only trying to help them?
Listens:
2419
Who:
GLaDOS
If you have trouble with simple counting, use the following mnemonic device: one comes before two comes before 60 comes after 12 comes before six trillion comes after 504. This will make your earlier counting difficulties seem like no big deal.
Listens:
2402
Who:
Core 3
I shouldn't spoil this, but... remember how I'm going to live forever, but you're going to be dead in sixty years? Well, I've been working on a present for you. Well, I guess it's more of a medical procedure. Well, technically it's more of a medical experiment. You know how excruciating it is when someone removes all of your bone marrow? Well, what if after I did that, I put something back IN that added four years to your life?
Listens:
2402
Who:
GLaDOS
You know how I'm going to live forever, but you're going to be dead in sixty years? Well, I've been working on a belated birthday present for you. Well... more of a belated birthday medical procedure. Well. Technically, it's a medical EXPERIMENT. What's important is, it's a present.
Listens:
2400
Who:
GLaDOS
Space going to space can't wait.
Listens:
2397
Who:
Core 1
Oh, it's fluttering its wings. Tell you what, mate. I'll come in there for a minute and cover you so you can have a look at this lovely bird! I'll come in. I'll do all the neurotoxin stuff. And then you come out here and look at this. Because it is lovely. It is lovely. You want to get out here fast. Seriously, my pleasure sounds are going to frighten the bird away any second. Ohhh, it's not working, is it? He's not interested in bloody birds.
Listens:
2387
Who:
Wheatley
To maintain a constant testing cycle, I simulate daylight at all hours and add adrenal vapor to your oxygen supply. So you may be confused about the passage of time. The point is, yesterday was your birthday. I thought you'd want to know.
Listens:
2384
Who:
GLaDOS
Could you come over here?
Listens:
2365
Who:
Turret
Otherwise, I'm afraid you're about to become the immediate past president of the Being Alive club. Ha ha.
Listens:
2343
Who:
GLaDOS
Who ARE you?
Listens:
2341
Who:
Turret
William Shakespeare did not exist. His plays were masterminded in 1589 by Francis Bacon, who used a Ouija board to enslave play-writing ghosts.
Listens:
2326
Who:
Core 3
Great work! Because this message is prerecorded, any observations related to your performance are speculation on our part. Please disregard any undeserved compliments.
Listens:
2309
Who:
Announcer
The situation you are in is very dangerous.
Listens:
2297
Who:
Core 3
Moo hoo ha ha ha ha...
Listens:
2290
Who:
Defective Turret
Yeah. Clickety click click. Right on the money.
Listens:
2275
Who:
Defective Turret
You're saying to yourself, why should I jump into the pit? I'll tell you why. Guess who's down there? Your parents! You're not adopted after all! It's your natural parents down there in the pit. Should have mentioned it before. But I didn't. So jump on down and reunite with mommy and daddy.
Listens:
2270
Who:
Wheatley
Powerup complete.
Listens:
2259
Who:
Announcer
Annnnnnnnd... Nothing.
Listens:
2258
Who:
Wheatley
Nap time
Listens:
2255
Who:
Turret
Ayeyeyeyeye
Listens:
2254
Who:
Turret
And then you showed up. You dangerous, mute lunatic. So you know what?
Listens:
2231
Who:
GLaDOS
Reactor Explosion Timer destroyed.
Listens:
2209
Who:
Announcer
Goodbye!
Listens:
2196
Who:
Turret
I did everything you asked!
Listens:
2192
Who:
Turret
Since making test participation mandatory for all employees, the quality of our test subjects has risen dramatically. Employee retention, however, has not.
Listens:
2183
Who:
Cave Johnson
Excuse me, you’re squishing me.
Listens:
2174
Who:
Turret
Some emergency testing may require prolonged interaction with lethal military androids. Rest assured that all lethal military androids have been taught to read and provided with one copy of the Laws of Robotics. To share.
Listens:
2161
Who:
Announcer
Oh, brilliant. You DID find a portal gun! You know what? It just goes to show: people with brain damage are the real heroes in the end aren't they? At the end of the day. Brave.
Listens:
2153
Who:
Wheatley
Welcome to the Computer Intelligence Training and Enrichment Center Human Test Subject Research Center. You have unlocked all available courses.
Listens:
2151
Who:
Announcer
Pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out!
Listens:
2150
Who:
Wheatley
I am!
Listens:
2139
Who:
Caroline
You did WHAT?
Listens:
2139
Who:
Wheatley
Wait wait wait wait. I know I know I know. Lady wait. Wait. I know. Wait. Space.
Listens:
2103
Who:
Core 1
Deploying
Listens:
2103
Who:
Turret
Atmosphere. Black holes. Astronauts. Nebulas. Jupiter. The Big Dipper.
Listens:
2090
Who:
Core 1
Space!
Listens:
2086
Who:
Core 1
Wheeeeeeee!
Listens:
2053
Who:
Turret
Hello again. Sorry about exploding you. Luckily, you don't feel pain. At any rate, you don't have a way to communicate that you feel pain.
Listens:
2042
Who:
GLaDOS
clickclickclick
Listens:
2040
Who:
Defective Turret
Not bad. I forgot how good you are at this. You should pace yourself, though. We have A LOT of tests to do.
Listens:
2039
Who:
GLaDOS
Wanna go to earth wanna go to earth wanna go to earth wanna go to earth. Wanna go to earth.
Listens:
2021
Who:
Core 1
The Fact Sphere is not defective. Its facts are wholly accurate and very interesting.
Listens:
2010
Who:
Core 3
Oh, it's a core you've put on me! Who told you to do that? Was it her? [as if he's looking around] It's just making me stronger, luv! It's a fool's errand!
Listens:
2008
Who:
Wheatley
If you need to go to the bathroom after this next series of tests, please let a test associate know, because in all likelihood, whatever comes out of you is going to be coal. Only temporary, so do not worry. If it persists for a week, though, start worrying and come see us, because that's not supposed to happen.
Listens:
1977
Who:
Cave Johnson
Sorry
Listens:
1975
Who:
Turret
Are you still there? Can you pick me up, do you think? If you are there?
Listens:
1974
Who:
Wheatley
That isn't science.
Listens:
1947
Who:
GLaDOS
Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve.
Listens:
1942
Who:
Core 3
I see you
Listens:
1941
Who:
Turret
The most poisonous fish in the world is the orange ruffy. Everything but its eyes are made of a deadly poison. The ruffy's eyes are composed of a less harmful, deadly poison.
Listens:
1939
Who:
Core 3
Ah, I see. Clever. Verrrrrrry clever.
Listens:
1933
Who:
Wheatley
Awwww
Listens:
1933
Who:
Turret
Brain Mapping. Artificial Intelligence. We should have been working on it thirty years ago. I will say this - and I'm gonna say it on tape so everybody hears it a hundred times a day: If I die before you people can pour me into a computer, I want Caroline to run this place.
Listens:
1922
Who:
Cave Johnson
Did you hear that? I think something just exploded. Man, we are in a lot of danger. This is like Christmas. No, it's better than Christmas. This should be its own holiday. Explosion Day!
Listens:
1916
Who:
Core 2
Puppet master! You're a puppet in a play, and I hold all the strings! And cards, still. Cards in one hand, strings in the other. And I'm making you dance like a puppet. Playing cards.
Listens:
1898
Who:
Wheatley
Oh my god.
Listens:
1894
Who:
GLaDOS
Why...
Listens:
1888
Who:
Turret
You will hear a buzzer. When you hear the buzzer, look up at the ceiling. [BUZZER]
Listens:
1886
Who:
Announcer
She is a gem.
Listens:
1886
Who:
Cave Johnson
Alright, then. Let us see... 'Vital maintenance protocols.' Wow, there are a lot of them. Should have looked into this earlier. Well, let's try this: [reading while typing] DO THEM. [failure buzzer]. Fair enough. Maybe it's a password.
Listens:
1881
Who:
Wheatley
You never considered that maybe I tested you to give the endless hours of your pointless existence some structure and meaning. Maybe to help you concentrate, so just maybe you’d think of something more worthwhile to do with your sorry life.
Listens:
1877
Who:
GLaDOS
And to your right, something huge hurtling towards you OH GOD RUN! THAT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THERE.
Listens:
1872
Who:
Wheatley
It burns.
Listens:
1869
Who:
Turret
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
1859
Who:
GLaDOS
No! Don't! No! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Listens:
1857
Who:
Wheatley
That jumpsuit you're wearing looks stupid. That's not me talking, it's right here in your file. On other people it looks fine, but right here a scientist has noted that on you it looks 'stupid.'
Listens:
1836
Who:
GLaDOS
Hey, be a sport lady, and just tell him I killed you.
Listens:
1819
Who:
Defective Turret
Hello?
Listens:
1817
Who:
Turret
We haven't entirely nailed down what element it is yet, but I'll tell you this: it's a lively one, and it does NOT like the human skeleton.
Listens:
1815
Who:
Cave Johnson
Now, maybe you don't have any tumors. Well, don't worry. If you sat on a folding chair in the lobby and weren't wearing lead underpants, we took care of that too.
Listens:
1812
Who:
Cave Johnson
Go on. Get a big fat eyeful. With your big fat eyes.
Listens:
1812
Who:
GLaDOS
WHAT ARE YOU DOING WE DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT BUTTON - oh, the door's open! Well done. Let's see what's inside.
Listens:
1812
Who:
Wheatley
Hmmm. Hmmmmmm. Hmm. Hmmmmm. Space!
Listens:
1809
Who:
Core 1
89% of magic tricks are not magic. Technically, they are sorcery.
Listens:
1806
Who:
Core 3
Good!
Listens:
1801
Who:
Announcer
Undelete, undelete! Where's the undelete button?
Listens:
1800
Who:
Wheatley
Here's the plan: Get him to say, 'You two have been a thorn in my side long enough.' Then tell your pretty ears to stand back, because I am going to zing him into space.
Listens:
1793
Who:
Core 2
We're in space!
Listens:
1783
Who:
Wheatley
Preparing to dispense product
Listens:
1782
Who:
Turret
Stalemate detected. Transfer procedure cannot continue.
Listens:
1780
Who:
Announcer
That's right. The facility is completely operational again.
Listens:
1778
Who:
GLaDOS
Stalemate Resolution Associate: Please press the Stalemate Resolution Button.
Listens:
1774
Who:
Announcer
Don't think I'm not onto you too, lady. You know what you are? Selfish. I've done nothing but sacrifice to get us here! What have you sacrificed? NOTHING. Zero. All you've done is BOSS ME AROUND. Well, NOW who's the boss? Who's the boss? It's me!
Listens:
1763
Who:
Wheatley
Activated
Listens:
1762
Who:
Turret
Ha ha ha ha ha, good one.
Listens:
1761
Who:
GLaDOS
[to self] Hm. Could be Spanish, could be Spanish. [loud again] Hola, amigo! Abre la puerta! Donde esta--no. Um...
Listens:
1757
Who:
Wheatley
You broke it, didn't you.
Listens:
1756
Who:
GLaDOS
Going to space going there can't wait gotta go. Space. Going.
Listens:
1752
Who:
Core 1
Template
Listens:
1743
Who:
Announcer
Corrupted Core: are you ready to start?
Listens:
1739
Who:
Announcer
Pants were invented by sailors in the sixteenth century to avoid Poseidon's wrath. It was believed that the sight of naked sailors angered the sea god.
Listens:
1738
Who:
Core 3
00:00 / 00:00
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