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Portal 2
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TF2 Music
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These things happen.
Listens:
2683
Who:
Turret
We will attempt to comply with these now non-existent agencies by playing some more smooth jazz.
Listens:
2680
Who:
Announcer
To maintain a constant testing cycle, I simulate daylight at all hours and add adrenal vapor to your oxygen supply. So you may be confused about the passage of time. The point is, yesterday was your birthday. I thought you'd want to know.
Listens:
2662
Who:
GLaDOS
Hey lady. Lady. I'm the best. I'm the best at space.
Listens:
2653
Who:
Core 1
And we would have talked our way out of it. Oh! Except you forgot to tell me you'd murdered her. And that she needed you to live, so the only available vent for her rage would be good old crushable Wheatley. Yeah. Little details I remember. Easy little tidbits you could have used to save me from getting crushed if you'd cared, which you didn't, obviously. And still don't.
Listens:
2641
Who:
Wheatley
The lab boys just informed me that I should not have mentioned the control group. They're telling me I oughtta stop making these pre-recorded messages. That gave me an idea: make more pre-recorded messages. I pay the bills here, I can talk about the control group all damn day.
Listens:
2621
Who:
Cave Johnson
In Greek myth, Prometheus stole fire from the Gods and gave it to humankind. The jewelry he kept for himself.
Listens:
2620
Who:
Core 3
So. Welcome to Aperture. You're here because we want the best, and you're it. Nope. Couldn't keep a straight face.
Listens:
2617
Who:
Cave Johnson
We're a lot alike, you and I. You tested me. I tested you. You killed me. I--oh, no, wait. I guess I HAVEN'T killed you yet. Well. Food for thought.
Listens:
2608
Who:
GLaDOS
I shouldn't spoil this, but... remember how I'm going to live forever, but you're going to be dead in sixty years? Well, I've been working on a present for you. Well, I guess it's more of a medical procedure. Well, technically it's more of a medical experiment. You know how excruciating it is when someone removes all of your bone marrow? Well, what if after I did that, I put something back IN that added four years to your life?
Listens:
2596
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh, that's sad. But impressive. Maybe they worked at the phone company.
Listens:
2591
Who:
GLaDOS
If you are a non-employee who has discovered this facility amid the ruins of civilization, welcome! And remember: Testing is the future, and the future starts with you.
Listens:
2581
Who:
Announcer
Excellent! You're a predator and these tests are your prey. Speaking of which, I was researching sharks for an upcoming test. Do you know who else murders people who are only trying to help them?
Listens:
2580
Who:
GLaDOS
If you've cut yourself at all in the course of these tests, you might have noticed that your blood is pure gasoline. That's normal. We've been shooting you with an invisible laser that's supposed to turn blood into gasoline, so all that means is, it's working.
Listens:
2578
Who:
Cave Johnson
We're still doing science sir.
Listens:
2549
Who:
Caroline
Where am I? Guess. Guess guess guess. I'm in space.
Listens:
2548
Who:
Core 1
Who ARE you?
Listens:
2545
Who:
Turret
Could you come over here?
Listens:
2541
Who:
Turret
Space going to space can't wait.
Listens:
2537
Who:
Core 1
Ayeyeyeyeye
Listens:
2516
Who:
Turret
Oh, it's fluttering its wings. Tell you what, mate. I'll come in there for a minute and cover you so you can have a look at this lovely bird! I'll come in. I'll do all the neurotoxin stuff. And then you come out here and look at this. Because it is lovely. It is lovely. You want to get out here fast. Seriously, my pleasure sounds are going to frighten the bird away any second. Ohhh, it's not working, is it? He's not interested in bloody birds.
Listens:
2514
Who:
Wheatley
Moo hoo ha ha ha ha...
Listens:
2509
Who:
Defective Turret
If you have trouble with simple counting, use the following mnemonic device: one comes before two comes before 60 comes after 12 comes before six trillion comes after 504. This will make your earlier counting difficulties seem like no big deal.
Listens:
2507
Who:
Core 3
Otherwise, I'm afraid you're about to become the immediate past president of the Being Alive club. Ha ha.
Listens:
2490
Who:
GLaDOS
You know how I'm going to live forever, but you're going to be dead in sixty years? Well, I've been working on a belated birthday present for you. Well... more of a belated birthday medical procedure. Well. Technically, it's a medical EXPERIMENT. What's important is, it's a present.
Listens:
2483
Who:
GLaDOS
Powerup complete.
Listens:
2447
Who:
Announcer
Yeah. Clickety click click. Right on the money.
Listens:
2447
Who:
Defective Turret
Reactor Explosion Timer destroyed.
Listens:
2434
Who:
Announcer
Annnnnnnnd... Nothing.
Listens:
2433
Who:
Wheatley
Great work! Because this message is prerecorded, any observations related to your performance are speculation on our part. Please disregard any undeserved compliments.
Listens:
2429
Who:
Announcer
Nap time
Listens:
2423
Who:
Turret
The situation you are in is very dangerous.
Listens:
2419
Who:
Core 3
William Shakespeare did not exist. His plays were masterminded in 1589 by Francis Bacon, who used a Ouija board to enslave play-writing ghosts.
Listens:
2411
Who:
Core 3
Excuse me, you’re squishing me.
Listens:
2404
Who:
Turret
Blue, I agree. I never noticed that about Orange before.
Listens:
2391
Who:
GLaDOS
You're saying to yourself, why should I jump into the pit? I'll tell you why. Guess who's down there? Your parents! You're not adopted after all! It's your natural parents down there in the pit. Should have mentioned it before. But I didn't. So jump on down and reunite with mommy and daddy.
Listens:
2380
Who:
Wheatley
I did everything you asked!
Listens:
2378
Who:
Turret
Goodbye!
Listens:
2363
Who:
Turret
And then you showed up. You dangerous, mute lunatic. So you know what?
Listens:
2346
Who:
GLaDOS
Since making test participation mandatory for all employees, the quality of our test subjects has risen dramatically. Employee retention, however, has not.
Listens:
2328
Who:
Cave Johnson
You did WHAT?
Listens:
2324
Who:
Wheatley
I am!
Listens:
2301
Who:
Caroline
Welcome to the Computer Intelligence Training and Enrichment Center Human Test Subject Research Center. You have unlocked all available courses.
Listens:
2298
Who:
Announcer
Wheeeeeeee!
Listens:
2287
Who:
Turret
Some emergency testing may require prolonged interaction with lethal military androids. Rest assured that all lethal military androids have been taught to read and provided with one copy of the Laws of Robotics. To share.
Listens:
2282
Who:
Announcer
Space!
Listens:
2269
Who:
Core 1
Deploying
Listens:
2263
Who:
Turret
Oh, brilliant. You DID find a portal gun! You know what? It just goes to show: people with brain damage are the real heroes in the end aren't they? At the end of the day. Brave.
Listens:
2260
Who:
Wheatley
Pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out!
Listens:
2249
Who:
Wheatley
Atmosphere. Black holes. Astronauts. Nebulas. Jupiter. The Big Dipper.
Listens:
2232
Who:
Core 1
Wait wait wait wait. I know I know I know. Lady wait. Wait. I know. Wait. Space.
Listens:
2232
Who:
Core 1
Wanna go to earth wanna go to earth wanna go to earth wanna go to earth. Wanna go to earth.
Listens:
2171
Who:
Core 1
Hello again. Sorry about exploding you. Luckily, you don't feel pain. At any rate, you don't have a way to communicate that you feel pain.
Listens:
2149
Who:
GLaDOS
Sorry
Listens:
2139
Who:
Turret
Awwww
Listens:
2133
Who:
Turret
Not bad. I forgot how good you are at this. You should pace yourself, though. We have A LOT of tests to do.
Listens:
2107
Who:
GLaDOS
The Fact Sphere is not defective. Its facts are wholly accurate and very interesting.
Listens:
2105
Who:
Core 3
Oh, it's a core you've put on me! Who told you to do that? Was it her? [as if he's looking around] It's just making me stronger, luv! It's a fool's errand!
Listens:
2104
Who:
Wheatley
I see you
Listens:
2101
Who:
Turret
If you need to go to the bathroom after this next series of tests, please let a test associate know, because in all likelihood, whatever comes out of you is going to be coal. Only temporary, so do not worry. If it persists for a week, though, start worrying and come see us, because that's not supposed to happen.
Listens:
2076
Who:
Cave Johnson
That isn't science.
Listens:
2075
Who:
GLaDOS
Why...
Listens:
2074
Who:
Turret
You will hear a buzzer. When you hear the buzzer, look up at the ceiling. [BUZZER]
Listens:
2072
Who:
Announcer
Are you still there? Can you pick me up, do you think? If you are there?
Listens:
2067
Who:
Wheatley
Brain Mapping. Artificial Intelligence. We should have been working on it thirty years ago. I will say this - and I'm gonna say it on tape so everybody hears it a hundred times a day: If I die before you people can pour me into a computer, I want Caroline to run this place.
Listens:
2057
Who:
Cave Johnson
Ah, I see. Clever. Verrrrrrry clever.
Listens:
2057
Who:
Wheatley
No! Don't! No! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Listens:
2055
Who:
Wheatley
It burns.
Listens:
2055
Who:
Turret
Good!
Listens:
2047
Who:
Announcer
Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve.
Listens:
2044
Who:
Core 3
Oh my god.
Listens:
2040
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello?
Listens:
2039
Who:
Turret
Template
Listens:
2027
Who:
Announcer
The most poisonous fish in the world is the orange ruffy. Everything but its eyes are made of a deadly poison. The ruffy's eyes are composed of a less harmful, deadly poison.
Listens:
2025
Who:
Core 3
And to your right, something huge hurtling towards you OH GOD RUN! THAT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THERE.
Listens:
2020
Who:
Wheatley
She is a gem.
Listens:
2014
Who:
Cave Johnson
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
2010
Who:
GLaDOS
Puppet master! You're a puppet in a play, and I hold all the strings! And cards, still. Cards in one hand, strings in the other. And I'm making you dance like a puppet. Playing cards.
Listens:
2004
Who:
Wheatley
Hey, be a sport lady, and just tell him I killed you.
Listens:
2000
Who:
Defective Turret
You never considered that maybe I tested you to give the endless hours of your pointless existence some structure and meaning. Maybe to help you concentrate, so just maybe you’d think of something more worthwhile to do with your sorry life.
Listens:
1989
Who:
GLaDOS
Alright, then. Let us see... 'Vital maintenance protocols.' Wow, there are a lot of them. Should have looked into this earlier. Well, let's try this: [reading while typing] DO THEM. [failure buzzer]. Fair enough. Maybe it's a password.
Listens:
1983
Who:
Wheatley
WHAT ARE YOU DOING WE DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT BUTTON - oh, the door's open! Well done. Let's see what's inside.
Listens:
1975
Who:
Wheatley
Did you hear that? I think something just exploded. Man, we are in a lot of danger. This is like Christmas. No, it's better than Christmas. This should be its own holiday. Explosion Day!
Listens:
1971
Who:
Core 2
Hello.
Listens:
1949
Who:
Defective Turret
Hey! It's me!
Listens:
1934
Who:
Turret
Activated
Listens:
1933
Who:
Turret
Hmmm. Hmmmmmm. Hmm. Hmmmmm. Space!
Listens:
1930
Who:
Core 1
Preparing to dispense product
Listens:
1930
Who:
Turret
Undelete, undelete! Where's the undelete button?
Listens:
1929
Who:
Wheatley
We haven't entirely nailed down what element it is yet, but I'll tell you this: it's a lively one, and it does NOT like the human skeleton.
Listens:
1928
Who:
Cave Johnson
That jumpsuit you're wearing looks stupid. That's not me talking, it's right here in your file. On other people it looks fine, but right here a scientist has noted that on you it looks 'stupid.'
Listens:
1923
Who:
GLaDOS
Go on. Get a big fat eyeful. With your big fat eyes.
Listens:
1919
Who:
GLaDOS
Corrupted Core: are you ready to start?
Listens:
1918
Who:
Announcer
Now, maybe you don't have any tumors. Well, don't worry. If you sat on a folding chair in the lobby and weren't wearing lead underpants, we took care of that too.
Listens:
1913
Who:
Cave Johnson
Stalemate detected. Transfer procedure cannot continue.
Listens:
1912
Who:
Announcer
We're in space!
Listens:
1909
Who:
Wheatley
That's right. The facility is completely operational again.
Listens:
1907
Who:
GLaDOS
89% of magic tricks are not magic. Technically, they are sorcery.
Listens:
1904
Who:
Core 3
You broke it, didn't you.
Listens:
1898
Who:
GLaDOS
Stalemate Resolution Associate: Please press the Stalemate Resolution Button.
Listens:
1891
Who:
Announcer
00:00 / 00:00
Test Player
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