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Portal 2
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Portal 1 Music
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TF2 Music
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Cellular phones will not give you cancer. Only hepatitis.
Listens:
1012
Who:
Core 3
Just hang in there for five more - What? Jerry, you can't fire me for that! Yes, JERRY -- OR, maybe your prejudiced worksite should have accommodated a nanobot of my size. Thanks for the hate crime, Jer!
Listens:
1011
Who:
Wheatley
Good news. I figured out what to do with all the money I save recycling your one roomful of air. When you die, I'm going to laminate your skeleton and pose you in the lobby. That way future generations can learn from you how not to have your unfortunate bone structure.
Listens:
1007
Who:
GLaDOS
Error. Error. Error. File not found.
Listens:
1000
Who:
Core 3
I HAVE to test. All the time. Or I get this... this ITCH. It must be hardwired into the system or something.
Listens:
1000
Who:
Wheatley
Press it! Press the button!
Listens:
999
Who:
GLaDOS
The plural of surgeon general is surgeons general. The past tense of surgeons general is surgeonsed general.
Listens:
998
Who:
Core 3
Per our last conversation: You're also ugly. I'm looking at your file right now, and it mentions that more than once.
Listens:
998
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh, I like this guy.
Listens:
997
Who:
GLaDOS
Dreams are the subconscious mind's way of reminding people to go to school naked and have their teeth fall out.
Listens:
995
Who:
Core 3
Ba! Ba! Ba ba ba! Space!
Listens:
994
Who:
Core 1
Test chamber completed. In the interest of science, the Enrichment Center proudly presents the following list of numbers: Nine. Seven. Fifty. Three. Seven hundred and seven.
Listens:
994
Who:
GLaDOS
Impersonating a stalemate associate. I just added that to the list. It's a list I made of all the things you've done. Well, it's a list that I AM making, because you're still doing things right now, even though I'm telling you to stop. Stop, by the way.
Listens:
994
Who:
GLaDOS
I think I hear the bird! Pick me up!
Listens:
992
Who:
GLaDOS
Did you feel that? That idiot doesn't know what he's doing up there. This whole place is going to explode in a few hours if somebody doesn't disconnect him.
Listens:
988
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh, this is just PERFECT!
Listens:
986
Who:
Defective Turret
Nobody cares, four eyes.
Listens:
985
Who:
Core 2
I went and spoke with the door mainframe. Let's just say he won't be... well, living anymore. Anyway, back to testing.
Listens:
985
Who:
GLaDOS
Shootin' blanks every time, ALL the time.
Listens:
984
Who:
Defective Turret
Oh, look. There's a deer! You probably can't see it. Get closer.
Listens:
983
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello again, this testing course was originally created for humans.
Listens:
982
Who:
GLaDOS
Electrocution, shot, drowned, crushed, burned in goo.
Listens:
982
Who:
GLaDOS
I’m shocked you’d say that, Blue. If you killed your partner the test—I’m sorry. Wrong feed. Carry on, Orange. Good work.
Listens:
981
Who:
GLaDOS
We will both die because of your negligence.
Listens:
980
Who:
Core 3
Hello? Anyone in there?
Listens:
976
Who:
Wheatley
Sentry mode activated
Listens:
976
Who:
Turret
Owwwww!
Listens:
972
Who:
Turret
The surge of emotion that shot through me when I saved your life taught me an even more valuable lesson: where Caroline lives in my brain.
Listens:
969
Who:
GLaDOS
My fault
Listens:
969
Who:
Turret
Do you know the biggest lesson I learned from what you did? I discovered I have a sort of black-box quick-save feature. In the event of a catastrophic failure, the last two minutes of my life are preserved for analysis.
Listens:
966
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh! You came back! Didn't actually plan... for that. Can't actually reset the death trap. So. Ah. Could you jump into that pit, there? Would you just jump into that pit for me?
Listens:
966
Who:
Wheatley
clickclickclick
Listens:
966
Who:
Defective Turret
Good. This completes the gymnastic portion of your mandatory physical and mental wellness exercise.
Listens:
964
Who:
Announcer
Space...
Listens:
964
Who:
Core 1
Orbit. Space orbit. In my spacesuit.
Listens:
963
Who:
Core 1
If you're dying, but not dead, stomp once. If you're dead, obviously no stomps. And two stomps if you're not dead. Lemme just run through that again: If you're dying but not dead stomp just once. If you're dead, obviously you won't be stomping. And if you're not dead, give me two stomps.
Listens:
963
Who:
Wheatley
Self test error
Listens:
962
Who:
Turret
Alright. Paradox time.
Listens:
960
Who:
GLaDOS
I'm not defective!
Listens:
960
Who:
Defective Turret
You know, if you'd done that to somebody else, they might devote their existences to exacting revenge.
Listens:
956
Who:
GLaDOS
Humans can survive underwater. But not for very long.
Listens:
954
Who:
Core 3
It says this next test was designed by one of Aperture's Nobel prize winners. It doesn't say what the prize was for. Well, I know it wasn't for Being Immune To Neurotoxin.
Listens:
953
Who:
GLaDOS
Do either of you feel like laughing?
Listens:
951
Who:
GLaDOS
Remember that!
Listens:
949
Who:
Turret
The Fact Sphere is the most handsome sphere.
Listens:
948
Who:
Core 3
Blah.
Listens:
948
Who:
GLaDOS
Um, hello?
Listens:
948
Who:
Turret
Well, I'm back. The Aerial Faith Plate in here is sending a distress signal.
Listens:
946
Who:
GLaDOS
Ah, crap.
Listens:
944
Who:
Defective Turret
You win.
Listens:
936
Who:
GLaDOS
[laugh trailing off] Actually, why do we have to leave right now?
Listens:
935
Who:
Wheatley
GAAAA!
Listens:
934
Who:
Wheatley
What, exactly, is wrong with being adopted?
Listens:
932
Who:
GLaDOS
There's a thousand tests performed every day here in our enrichment spheres. I can't personally oversee every one of them, so these pre-recorded messages'll cover any questions you might have, and respond to any incidents that may occur in the course of your science adventure.
Listens:
930
Who:
Cave Johnson
Good news: that is NOT a docking station. So there's one mystery solved. I'm going to attempt a manual override on this wall. Could get a bit technical! Hold on!
Listens:
929
Who:
Wheatley
To ensure that sufficient power remains for core testing protocols, all safety devices have been disabled. The Enrichment Center respects your right to have questions or concerns about this policy.
Listens:
927
Who:
Announcer
I'm done.
Listens:
927
Who:
GLaDOS
Malfunctioning
Listens:
926
Who:
Turret
Please return to the core transfer bay.
Listens:
923
Who:
Announcer
Ahh!
Listens:
922
Who:
Turret
Help! Being squished!
Listens:
922
Who:
Turret
Sorry about the mess. I've really let the place go since you killed me. By the way, thanks for that.
Listens:
921
Who:
GLaDOS
I'm going to space.
Listens:
919
Who:
Core 1
By completing all test courses, you have achieved Level C security clearance. You may now access all testing courses and three of Aperture Science's 176 restrooms.
Listens:
918
Who:
Announcer
To make a photocopier, simply photocopy a mirror.
Listens:
918
Who:
Core 3
NNGH! It's not enough! If I'm such a moron, why can't you solve a simple test?
Listens:
918
Who:
Wheatley
I hope you brought something stronger than a portal gun this time.
Listens:
917
Who:
GLaDOS
No, seriously. Do come back. Come back, please.
Listens:
917
Who:
Wheatley
I blame myself.
Listens:
915
Who:
Turret
I don't want to alarm either of you, but we might have a tiny problem. Apparently you can't test unless you're human. Well - you CAN. It's just that, results-wise, the physical universe doesn't care.
Listens:
914
Who:
GLaDOS
Touche, young lady, touche.
Listens:
913
Who:
Defective Turret
That eager voice you heard is the lovely Caroline, my assistant. Rest assured, she has transferred your honorarium to the charitable organization of your choice. Isn't that right, Caroline?
Listens:
911
Who:
Cave Johnson
Just stop flailing around like an incompetent.
Listens:
911
Who:
GLaDOS
Gotta go to space. Yeah. Gotta go to space.
Listens:
910
Who:
Core 1
That's all I can say.
Listens:
908
Who:
Turret
Hello?
Listens:
903
Who:
Wheatley
Dang! All right, if anyone asks, I killed you.
Listens:
903
Who:
Defective Turret
Is it fun when you degrade yourselves like that?
Listens:
901
Who:
GLaDOS
Substitute core, are you ready to start the procedure?
Listens:
898
Who:
Announcer
Moo hoo ha ha ha ha
Listens:
896
Who:
Defective Turret
There is a framed painting on the wall. Please go stand in front of it.
Listens:
895
Who:
Announcer
Most people emerge from suspension terribly undernourished. I want to congratulate you on beating the odds and somehow managing to pack on a few pounds.
Listens:
895
Who:
GLaDOS
There must be something wrong with the reassembly machine.
Listens:
893
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh I'll tell you what's also down there. Your parents and... There's also an escape elevator!. Down there. Funny. I should have mentioned it before. But so it's down there. So pop down. Jump down. You've got your folks down there and an escape elevator
Listens:
892
Who:
Wheatley
I found some bird eggs up here. Just dropped 'em into the door mechanism. Shut it right down. I--AGH!
Listens:
892
Who:
Wheatley
Cube- and button-based testing remains an important tool for science, even in a dire emergency.
Listens:
891
Who:
Announcer
Please put me down
Listens:
890
Who:
Turret
Template missing. Continuing from memory.
Listens:
889
Who:
Announcer
Are you trying to weigh me down? Think I'll fall out of the ceiling? Won't work. I'm not just quite brilliant, I'm also quite strong. Biggest muscle in my body: my brain. Second biggest: My muscles. So, it's not going to work. Clearly.
Listens:
889
Who:
Wheatley
Oh! Here we go...
Listens:
888
Who:
Wheatley
*cough* Button.
Listens:
888
Who:
Wheatley
To initiate a core transfer, please deposit substitute core in receptacle.
Listens:
887
Who:
Announcer
Federal regulations require me to warn you that this next test chamber... is looking pretty good.
Listens:
887
Who:
GLaDOS
I’m afraid of heights!
Listens:
886
Who:
Turret
What are you doing, are you just having a little five minutes to yourself? Fair enough. You've had a rough time. You've been asleep for who knows how long. You've got the massive brain damage. And you're having a little rest. But NOW. Get yourself up. And pick me up.
Listens:
884
Who:
Wheatley
You can also feel free to relax for up to 20 minutes in the waiting room, which is a damn sight more comfortable than the park benches most of you were sleeping on when we found you.
Listens:
883
Who:
Cave Johnson
Lady.
Listens:
883
Who:
Core 1
The end?
Listens:
882
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh. Disappointing.
Listens:
882
Who:
Wheatley
Allright, test's over. You can head on back to your desk.
Listens:
879
Who:
Cave Johnson
00:00 / 00:00
Test Player
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