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[to self] Hm. Could be Spanish, could be Spanish. [loud again] Hola, amigo! Abre la puerta! Donde esta--no. Um...
Listens:
2015
Who:
Wheatley
Response
Listens:
2008
Who:
Announcer
89% of magic tricks are not magic. Technically, they are sorcery.
Listens:
2002
Who:
Core 3
Now, maybe you don't have any tumors. Well, don't worry. If you sat on a folding chair in the lobby and weren't wearing lead underpants, we took care of that too.
Listens:
1994
Who:
Cave Johnson
Please prepare for emergency evacuation.
Listens:
1987
Who:
Announcer
Seriously, though. Goodbye.
Listens:
1981
Who:
GLaDOS
Don't think I'm not onto you too, lady. You know what you are? Selfish. I've done nothing but sacrifice to get us here! What have you sacrificed? NOTHING. Zero. All you've done is BOSS ME AROUND. Well, NOW who's the boss? Who's the boss? It's me!
Listens:
1978
Who:
Wheatley
Going to space going there can't wait gotta go. Space. Going.
Listens:
1968
Who:
Core 1
So. How are you holding up?
Listens:
1968
Who:
GLaDOS
Ha ha ha ha ha, good one.
Listens:
1967
Who:
GLaDOS
Don't shoot!
Listens:
1963
Who:
Turret
Good work getting this far, future-starter! That said, if you are simple-minded, old, or irradiated in such a way that the future should not start with you, please return to your primitive tribe and send back someone better-qualified for testing.
Listens:
1948
Who:
Announcer
Sir, the testing?
Listens:
1942
Who:
Caroline
Hello?
Listens:
1937
Who:
Turret
Here's the plan: Get him to say, 'You two have been a thorn in my side long enough.' Then tell your pretty ears to stand back, because I am going to zing him into space.
Listens:
1928
Who:
Core 2
Welcome back. While you were dead, I reworked the cartoon. It's up on the screen.
Listens:
1925
Who:
GLaDOS
Crap.
Listens:
1924
Who:
Defective Turret
There you are
Listens:
1913
Who:
Turret
Pants were invented by sailors in the sixteenth century to avoid Poseidon's wrath. It was believed that the sight of naked sailors angered the sea god.
Listens:
1895
Who:
Core 3
Space space wanna go to space
Listens:
1891
Who:
Core 1
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
1888
Who:
GLaDOS
This next test involves the Aperture Science Aerial Faith Plate. It was part of an initiative to investigate how well test subjects could solve problems when they were catapulted into space. Results were highly informative: They could not. Good luck!
Listens:
1886
Who:
GLaDOS
...unless a stalemate associate is present to press the stalemate resolution button.
Listens:
1885
Who:
Announcer
Ahhhohohhhh. Wow. Well done, seriously, both of you. Why don't you two go on ahead? I'll catch up with you.
Listens:
1884
Who:
Wheatley
Oh, in case you got covered in that repulsion gel, here's some advice the lab boys gave me: DO NOT get covered in the repulsion gel.
Listens:
1877
Who:
Cave Johnson
Marie Curie invented the theory of radioactivity, the treatment of radioactivity, and dying of radioactivity.
Listens:
1872
Who:
Core 3
Fire detected in the Stalemate Resolution Annex. Extinguishing.
Listens:
1865
Who:
Announcer
Hey! Squeaky-voice! Gimme some of your bullets!
Listens:
1864
Who:
Defective Turret
Oh. Hi.
Listens:
1860
Who:
GLaDOS
I’m flyinnnng!
Listens:
1859
Who:
Turret
But you were different weren't you? Such a good jumper. Problem solver. Clever. But ambitious. That's your Achilles Heel. Mine's-oh! Oh! Almost told you. Clever, clever girl. Again: brain damaged like a fox, you.
Listens:
1858
Who:
Wheatley
Warning, sphere corruption at twenty-- rats cannot throw up.
Listens:
1857
Who:
Core 3
These bridges are made from natural light that I pump in from the surface. If you rubbed your cheek on one, it would be like standing outside with the sun shining on your face. It would also set your hair on fire, so don't actually do it.
Listens:
1857
Who:
GLaDOS
Why?
Listens:
1836
Who:
Turret
Oh, shut up!
Listens:
1835
Who:
Core 2
I’m on fire.
Listens:
1834
Who:
Turret
But the real point is - oh, oh! You know what I've just remembered? Football! Kicking a ball around for fun. Cruel, obviously. Humans love it. Metaphor. Should have seen this coming.
Listens:
1825
Who:
Wheatley
[laughs]
Listens:
1813
Who:
Wheatley
Haha, Mr. Johnson!
Listens:
1807
Who:
Caroline
Yes indeed. Yes indeed.
Listens:
1803
Who:
Defective Turret
For many of you, I realize 60 dollars is an unprecedented windfall, so don't go spending it all on... I don't know. Caroline, what do these people buy? Tattered hats? Beard dirt?
Listens:
1801
Who:
Cave Johnson
What if you froze like that?
Listens:
1797
Who:
GLaDOS
Click click click! Still defective!
Listens:
1794
Who:
Defective Turret
You know who found that interesting? Nobody. That didn't affect anybody's life in any way whatsoever. Life would be exactly the same if you hadn't said anything.
Listens:
1793
Who:
Core 2
So that's just what I was doing. I was just reading... ah... books. So I'm not a moron.
Listens:
1791
Who:
Wheatley
Hello!
Listens:
1773
Who:
Wheatley
Substitute Core: Are you ready to start?
Listens:
1757
Who:
Announcer
Gotcha!
Listens:
1757
Who:
Turret
I'm not defective!
Listens:
1756
Who:
Defective Turret
You had to play bloody cat and mouse, didn't you? While people were trying to work. Yes, well, now we're all going to pay the price. BECAUSE WE'RE ALL GOING TO BLOODY DIE.
Listens:
1752
Who:
Wheatley
So... we're all supposed to be blind, then, right? It's not just me? Alright, fantastic.
Listens:
1749
Who:
Defective Turret
In Victorian England, a commoner was not allowed to look directly at the Queen, due to a belief at the time that the poor had the ability to steal thoughts. Science now believes that less than 4% of poor people are able to do this.
Listens:
1744
Who:
Core 3
Target aquired.
Listens:
1742
Who:
Turret
You like revenge, right? Everybody likes revenge. Well, let's go get some.
Listens:
1735
Who:
GLaDOS
Space space going to space oh boy
Listens:
1733
Who:
Core 1
Well done! The Enrichment Center reminds you that although circumstances may appear bleak, you are not alone. All Aperture Science personality constructs will remain functional in apocalyptic, low power environments of as few as 1.1 volts.
Listens:
1728
Who:
Announcer
Manual core replacement required.
Listens:
1726
Who:
Announcer
Nooooo. No, I don't think it is. I think you're wrong.
Listens:
1726
Who:
Wheatley
Pens. Pens. Pens. Pens. Pens. Pens. Pens.
Listens:
1723
Who:
Core 3
This on? [thump thump] Hey. Listen up down there. That thing's called an elevator. Not a bathroom.
Listens:
1721
Who:
Cave Johnson
I'm no psychiatrist, but coming from a bunch of eggheads who wouldn't recognize the thrill of danger if it walked up and snapped their little pink bras, that sounds like 'projection'.
Listens:
1718
Who:
Cave Johnson
I'll bet there isn't even a problem with the facility, is there? I'll bet there's no such thing as a 'reactor core'. I'll bet that's not even fire coming out of the walls, is it? It's just cleverly placed lights and papier mache, I'll bet that's all it is.
Listens:
1718
Who:
Wheatley
Holmes versus Moriarty.
Listens:
1711
Who:
Wheatley
Good, that's still working.
Listens:
1695
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello?
Listens:
1695
Who:
Turret
No no wait wait waitAGGGHHHH
Listens:
1693
Who:
Defective Turret
Oh, really? Space? Really? You should have said something! We had no idea!
Listens:
1691
Who:
Core 2
Ahahaha
Listens:
1689
Who:
Turret
FOOL! You were a fool to come back, because I've trapped you again! Helpless. You're at my mercy. And I don't have any. You're at my nothing. You're at my lack of mercy.
Listens:
1684
Who:
Wheatley
Helloooooooooooo!
Listens:
1677
Who:
Wheatley
Ha... That sounded real. No! That was actually an impression of you. Actually. Because you just fell into my trap. My brilliant trap. Just then. I wanted you to trick me into bursting that pipe. You didn't trick me. Seemingly trick me. Gives you false hope. Leads to overconfidence. And that leads to mistakes. Fatal mistakes. It's all part of my plan.
Listens:
1676
Who:
Wheatley
Whee!
Listens:
1674
Who:
Turret
Sorry, what?
Listens:
1659
Who:
Wheatley
Excuse me
Listens:
1657
Who:
Turret
Great job, astronaut, war hero, and/or Olympian! With your help, we're gonna [tape cuts out]
Listens:
1656
Who:
Cave Johnson
Well, no matter. Because I'm STILL holding all the cards, and guess what: they're allll Full Houses! I've never played cards. Meaning to learn.
Listens:
1656
Who:
Wheatley
Warning: Central core is eighty percent corrupt.
Listens:
1654
Who:
Announcer
Ha! Was that your bullet-riddled body, flying out of the room? It was- aww, those were the crap turrets, weren't they? Yeah...
Listens:
1653
Who:
Wheatley
So much space. Need to see it all.
Listens:
1651
Who:
Core 1
It was YOUR voice.
Listens:
1651
Who:
GLaDOS
I'm fired, aren't I?
Listens:
1645
Who:
Defective Turret
The average human male is about sixty percent water. Far as we're concerned, that's a little extravagant. So if you feel a bit dehydrated in this next test, that's normal. We're gonna hit you with some jet engines, and see if we can't get you down to twenty or thirty percent.
Listens:
1642
Who:
Cave Johnson
If I'd known you'd let yourself get captured this easily, I would have just dangled a turkey leg on a rope from the ceiling.
Listens:
1635
Who:
GLaDOS
Hi there!
Listens:
1633
Who:
Defective Turret
Only three more chambers until your big surprise! [maniacal laughter] Ohhh, that's tiring.
Listens:
1631
Who:
Wheatley
However, thanks to Emergency Testing Protocols, testing can continue. These pre-recorded messages will provide instructional and motivational support, so that science can still be done, even in the event of environmental, social, economic, or structural collapse.
Listens:
1628
Who:
Announcer
Diamonds are made when coal is put under intense pressure. Diamonds put under intense pressure become foam pellets, commonly used today as packing material.
Listens:
1624
Who:
Core 3
The portal will open and emergency testing will begin in three. Two. One.
Listens:
1620
Who:
Announcer
Blah.
Listens:
1620
Who:
GLaDOS
The answer is beneath us.
Listens:
1618
Who:
Turret
We're back!
Listens:
1613
Who:
Defective Turret
Humans must have some purpose other than a place to store your neurotoxin. Something I failed to notice before, an intangible quality that makes their test results... significant.
Listens:
1610
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh for... They told me if I ever turned this flashlight on, I would DIE. They told me that about EVERYTHING. I don't know why they even bothered to give me this stuff if they didn't want me usin' it. It's pointless. Mad.
Listens:
1609
Who:
Wheatley
You know what I have too many of around here? Monitors. I was just thinking earlier today I wish I had fewer monitors that were working. So you're actually helping me by smashing them.
Listens:
1605
Who:
Wheatley
'Let there be light.' That's, uh... God. I was quoting God.
Listens:
1602
Who:
Wheatley
Ow. I hate this bird.
Listens:
1599
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh, brilliant, yeah. Take one last look at your precious human moon. Because it cannot help you now!
Listens:
1599
Who:
Wheatley
Sorry, we're closed
Listens:
1597
Who:
Turret
Space. Space. Space. Space. Comets. Stars. Galaxies. Orion.
Listens:
1595
Who:
Core 1
You really do have brain damage, don't you?
Listens:
1593
Who:
GLaDOS
00:00 / 00:00
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