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Portal 2
Portal 2 DLC
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Portal 1 Music
Team Fortress 2
TF2 Music
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Please prepare for emergency evacuation.
Listens:
2100
Who:
Announcer
We're in space!
Listens:
2094
Who:
Wheatley
Go on. Get a big fat eyeful. With your big fat eyes.
Listens:
2090
Who:
GLaDOS
Don't shoot!
Listens:
2083
Who:
Turret
Did you hear that? I think something just exploded. Man, we are in a lot of danger. This is like Christmas. No, it's better than Christmas. This should be its own holiday. Explosion Day!
Listens:
2079
Who:
Core 2
89% of magic tricks are not magic. Technically, they are sorcery.
Listens:
2078
Who:
Core 3
Hello?
Listens:
2075
Who:
Turret
Don't think I'm not onto you too, lady. You know what you are? Selfish. I've done nothing but sacrifice to get us here! What have you sacrificed? NOTHING. Zero. All you've done is BOSS ME AROUND. Well, NOW who's the boss? Who's the boss? It's me!
Listens:
2060
Who:
Wheatley
Seriously, though. Goodbye.
Listens:
2058
Who:
GLaDOS
Ha ha ha ha ha, good one.
Listens:
2041
Who:
GLaDOS
So. How are you holding up?
Listens:
2039
Who:
GLaDOS
Going to space going there can't wait gotta go. Space. Going.
Listens:
2032
Who:
Core 1
There you are
Listens:
2032
Who:
Turret
Crap.
Listens:
2025
Who:
Defective Turret
Good work getting this far, future-starter! That said, if you are simple-minded, old, or irradiated in such a way that the future should not start with you, please return to your primitive tribe and send back someone better-qualified for testing.
Listens:
2012
Who:
Announcer
Sir, the testing?
Listens:
2003
Who:
Caroline
Welcome back. While you were dead, I reworked the cartoon. It's up on the screen.
Listens:
1996
Who:
GLaDOS
I’m flyinnnng!
Listens:
1996
Who:
Turret
Space space wanna go to space
Listens:
1978
Who:
Core 1
Here's the plan: Get him to say, 'You two have been a thorn in my side long enough.' Then tell your pretty ears to stand back, because I am going to zing him into space.
Listens:
1972
Who:
Core 2
Hey! Squeaky-voice! Gimme some of your bullets!
Listens:
1970
Who:
Defective Turret
Ahhhohohhhh. Wow. Well done, seriously, both of you. Why don't you two go on ahead? I'll catch up with you.
Listens:
1964
Who:
Wheatley
Oh. Hi.
Listens:
1963
Who:
GLaDOS
...unless a stalemate associate is present to press the stalemate resolution button.
Listens:
1962
Who:
Announcer
This next test involves the Aperture Science Aerial Faith Plate. It was part of an initiative to investigate how well test subjects could solve problems when they were catapulted into space. Results were highly informative: They could not. Good luck!
Listens:
1950
Who:
GLaDOS
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
1948
Who:
GLaDOS
Why?
Listens:
1946
Who:
Turret
I’m on fire.
Listens:
1945
Who:
Turret
Oh, in case you got covered in that repulsion gel, here's some advice the lab boys gave me: DO NOT get covered in the repulsion gel.
Listens:
1942
Who:
Cave Johnson
Fire detected in the Stalemate Resolution Annex. Extinguishing.
Listens:
1938
Who:
Announcer
These bridges are made from natural light that I pump in from the surface. If you rubbed your cheek on one, it would be like standing outside with the sun shining on your face. It would also set your hair on fire, so don't actually do it.
Listens:
1938
Who:
GLaDOS
Pants were invented by sailors in the sixteenth century to avoid Poseidon's wrath. It was believed that the sight of naked sailors angered the sea god.
Listens:
1937
Who:
Core 3
[laughs]
Listens:
1934
Who:
Wheatley
Warning, sphere corruption at twenty-- rats cannot throw up.
Listens:
1932
Who:
Core 3
But you were different weren't you? Such a good jumper. Problem solver. Clever. But ambitious. That's your Achilles Heel. Mine's-oh! Oh! Almost told you. Clever, clever girl. Again: brain damaged like a fox, you.
Listens:
1931
Who:
Wheatley
Hello!
Listens:
1920
Who:
Wheatley
Marie Curie invented the theory of radioactivity, the treatment of radioactivity, and dying of radioactivity.
Listens:
1912
Who:
Core 3
Yes indeed. Yes indeed.
Listens:
1887
Who:
Defective Turret
Oh, shut up!
Listens:
1885
Who:
Core 2
Click click click! Still defective!
Listens:
1880
Who:
Defective Turret
What if you froze like that?
Listens:
1879
Who:
GLaDOS
But the real point is - oh, oh! You know what I've just remembered? Football! Kicking a ball around for fun. Cruel, obviously. Humans love it. Metaphor. Should have seen this coming.
Listens:
1877
Who:
Wheatley
Haha, Mr. Johnson!
Listens:
1871
Who:
Caroline
For many of you, I realize 60 dollars is an unprecedented windfall, so don't go spending it all on... I don't know. Caroline, what do these people buy? Tattered hats? Beard dirt?
Listens:
1871
Who:
Cave Johnson
I'm not defective!
Listens:
1868
Who:
Defective Turret
Gotcha!
Listens:
1865
Who:
Turret
So that's just what I was doing. I was just reading... ah... books. So I'm not a moron.
Listens:
1851
Who:
Wheatley
So... we're all supposed to be blind, then, right? It's not just me? Alright, fantastic.
Listens:
1848
Who:
Defective Turret
Substitute Core: Are you ready to start?
Listens:
1847
Who:
Announcer
Target aquired.
Listens:
1844
Who:
Turret
You like revenge, right? Everybody likes revenge. Well, let's go get some.
Listens:
1843
Who:
GLaDOS
You know who found that interesting? Nobody. That didn't affect anybody's life in any way whatsoever. Life would be exactly the same if you hadn't said anything.
Listens:
1823
Who:
Core 2
You had to play bloody cat and mouse, didn't you? While people were trying to work. Yes, well, now we're all going to pay the price. BECAUSE WE'RE ALL GOING TO BLOODY DIE.
Listens:
1816
Who:
Wheatley
Space space going to space oh boy
Listens:
1814
Who:
Core 1
No no wait wait waitAGGGHHHH
Listens:
1814
Who:
Defective Turret
Manual core replacement required.
Listens:
1807
Who:
Announcer
Hello?
Listens:
1801
Who:
Turret
Helloooooooooooo!
Listens:
1799
Who:
Wheatley
Well done! The Enrichment Center reminds you that although circumstances may appear bleak, you are not alone. All Aperture Science personality constructs will remain functional in apocalyptic, low power environments of as few as 1.1 volts.
Listens:
1797
Who:
Announcer
Nooooo. No, I don't think it is. I think you're wrong.
Listens:
1792
Who:
Wheatley
In Victorian England, a commoner was not allowed to look directly at the Queen, due to a belief at the time that the poor had the ability to steal thoughts. Science now believes that less than 4% of poor people are able to do this.
Listens:
1786
Who:
Core 3
I'm no psychiatrist, but coming from a bunch of eggheads who wouldn't recognize the thrill of danger if it walked up and snapped their little pink bras, that sounds like 'projection'.
Listens:
1781
Who:
Cave Johnson
Pens. Pens. Pens. Pens. Pens. Pens. Pens.
Listens:
1781
Who:
Core 3
Holmes versus Moriarty.
Listens:
1779
Who:
Wheatley
I'll bet there isn't even a problem with the facility, is there? I'll bet there's no such thing as a 'reactor core'. I'll bet that's not even fire coming out of the walls, is it? It's just cleverly placed lights and papier mache, I'll bet that's all it is.
Listens:
1779
Who:
Wheatley
Sorry, what?
Listens:
1773
Who:
Wheatley
FOOL! You were a fool to come back, because I've trapped you again! Helpless. You're at my mercy. And I don't have any. You're at my nothing. You're at my lack of mercy.
Listens:
1772
Who:
Wheatley
This on? [thump thump] Hey. Listen up down there. That thing's called an elevator. Not a bathroom.
Listens:
1771
Who:
Cave Johnson
Ahahaha
Listens:
1765
Who:
Turret
Whee!
Listens:
1761
Who:
Turret
Warning: Central core is eighty percent corrupt.
Listens:
1748
Who:
Announcer
Ha... That sounded real. No! That was actually an impression of you. Actually. Because you just fell into my trap. My brilliant trap. Just then. I wanted you to trick me into bursting that pipe. You didn't trick me. Seemingly trick me. Gives you false hope. Leads to overconfidence. And that leads to mistakes. Fatal mistakes. It's all part of my plan.
Listens:
1744
Who:
Wheatley
Excuse me
Listens:
1743
Who:
Turret
I'm fired, aren't I?
Listens:
1737
Who:
Defective Turret
Good, that's still working.
Listens:
1735
Who:
GLaDOS
The answer is beneath us.
Listens:
1729
Who:
Turret
Oh, really? Space? Really? You should have said something! We had no idea!
Listens:
1727
Who:
Core 2
Only three more chambers until your big surprise! [maniacal laughter] Ohhh, that's tiring.
Listens:
1724
Who:
Wheatley
Sorry, we're closed
Listens:
1723
Who:
Turret
Hi there!
Listens:
1719
Who:
Defective Turret
Ha! Was that your bullet-riddled body, flying out of the room? It was- aww, those were the crap turrets, weren't they? Yeah...
Listens:
1712
Who:
Wheatley
Great job, astronaut, war hero, and/or Olympian! With your help, we're gonna [tape cuts out]
Listens:
1708
Who:
Cave Johnson
Well, no matter. Because I'm STILL holding all the cards, and guess what: they're allll Full Houses! I've never played cards. Meaning to learn.
Listens:
1706
Who:
Wheatley
However, thanks to Emergency Testing Protocols, testing can continue. These pre-recorded messages will provide instructional and motivational support, so that science can still be done, even in the event of environmental, social, economic, or structural collapse.
Listens:
1704
Who:
Announcer
So much space. Need to see it all.
Listens:
1700
Who:
Core 1
We're back!
Listens:
1699
Who:
Defective Turret
It was YOUR voice.
Listens:
1698
Who:
GLaDOS
The average human male is about sixty percent water. Far as we're concerned, that's a little extravagant. So if you feel a bit dehydrated in this next test, that's normal. We're gonna hit you with some jet engines, and see if we can't get you down to twenty or thirty percent.
Listens:
1695
Who:
Cave Johnson
Blah.
Listens:
1691
Who:
GLaDOS
'Let there be light.' That's, uh... God. I was quoting God.
Listens:
1691
Who:
Wheatley
This is not good.
Listens:
1689
Who:
Turret
Hey hey hey!
Listens:
1689
Who:
Turret
Who's there?
Listens:
1688
Who:
Turret
The portal will open and emergency testing will begin in three. Two. One.
Listens:
1683
Who:
Announcer
Coming through!
Listens:
1683
Who:
Turret
There you are
Listens:
1676
Who:
Turret
Oh, brilliant, yeah. Take one last look at your precious human moon. Because it cannot help you now!
Listens:
1674
Who:
Wheatley
If I'd known you'd let yourself get captured this easily, I would have just dangled a turkey leg on a rope from the ceiling.
Listens:
1672
Who:
GLaDOS
Hurt me once, shame on me. Hurt me twice...
Listens:
1671
Who:
Defective Turret
You really do have brain damage, don't you?
Listens:
1667
Who:
GLaDOS
00:00 / 00:00
Test Player
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