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Stalemate Resolution Associate: Please press the Stalemate Resolution Button.
Listens:
1914
Who:
Announcer
[to self] Hm. Could be Spanish, could be Spanish. [loud again] Hola, amigo! Abre la puerta! Donde esta--no. Um...
Listens:
1914
Who:
Wheatley
Grab me grab me grab me! Grab meeee!
Listens:
1899
Who:
Wheatley
Going to space going there can't wait gotta go. Space. Going.
Listens:
1889
Who:
Core 1
Ha ha ha ha ha, good one.
Listens:
1886
Who:
GLaDOS
Here's the plan: Get him to say, 'You two have been a thorn in my side long enough.' Then tell your pretty ears to stand back, because I am going to zing him into space.
Listens:
1883
Who:
Core 2
Please prepare for emergency evacuation.
Listens:
1880
Who:
Announcer
Don't think I'm not onto you too, lady. You know what you are? Selfish. I've done nothing but sacrifice to get us here! What have you sacrificed? NOTHING. Zero. All you've done is BOSS ME AROUND. Well, NOW who's the boss? Who's the boss? It's me!
Listens:
1876
Who:
Wheatley
Seriously, though. Goodbye.
Listens:
1872
Who:
GLaDOS
Response
Listens:
1871
Who:
Announcer
Sir, the testing?
Listens:
1853
Who:
Caroline
So. How are you holding up?
Listens:
1850
Who:
GLaDOS
Good work getting this far, future-starter! That said, if you are simple-minded, old, or irradiated in such a way that the future should not start with you, please return to your primitive tribe and send back someone better-qualified for testing.
Listens:
1849
Who:
Announcer
Don't shoot!
Listens:
1840
Who:
Turret
Welcome back. While you were dead, I reworked the cartoon. It's up on the screen.
Listens:
1833
Who:
GLaDOS
Pants were invented by sailors in the sixteenth century to avoid Poseidon's wrath. It was believed that the sight of naked sailors angered the sea god.
Listens:
1832
Who:
Core 3
This next test involves the Aperture Science Aerial Faith Plate. It was part of an initiative to investigate how well test subjects could solve problems when they were catapulted into space. Results were highly informative: They could not. Good luck!
Listens:
1826
Who:
GLaDOS
Marie Curie invented the theory of radioactivity, the treatment of radioactivity, and dying of radioactivity.
Listens:
1822
Who:
Core 3
Ahhhohohhhh. Wow. Well done, seriously, both of you. Why don't you two go on ahead? I'll catch up with you.
Listens:
1822
Who:
Wheatley
Space space wanna go to space
Listens:
1821
Who:
Core 1
Oh, in case you got covered in that repulsion gel, here's some advice the lab boys gave me: DO NOT get covered in the repulsion gel.
Listens:
1819
Who:
Cave Johnson
But you were different weren't you? Such a good jumper. Problem solver. Clever. But ambitious. That's your Achilles Heel. Mine's-oh! Oh! Almost told you. Clever, clever girl. Again: brain damaged like a fox, you.
Listens:
1814
Who:
Wheatley
Hello?
Listens:
1802
Who:
Turret
...unless a stalemate associate is present to press the stalemate resolution button.
Listens:
1798
Who:
Announcer
Crap.
Listens:
1794
Who:
Defective Turret
Fire detected in the Stalemate Resolution Annex. Extinguishing.
Listens:
1788
Who:
Announcer
Warning, sphere corruption at twenty-- rats cannot throw up.
Listens:
1783
Who:
Core 3
But the real point is - oh, oh! You know what I've just remembered? Football! Kicking a ball around for fun. Cruel, obviously. Humans love it. Metaphor. Should have seen this coming.
Listens:
1783
Who:
Wheatley
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
1776
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh, shut up!
Listens:
1772
Who:
Core 2
Oh. Hi.
Listens:
1768
Who:
GLaDOS
There you are
Listens:
1764
Who:
Turret
You know who found that interesting? Nobody. That didn't affect anybody's life in any way whatsoever. Life would be exactly the same if you hadn't said anything.
Listens:
1763
Who:
Core 2
Hey! Squeaky-voice! Gimme some of your bullets!
Listens:
1753
Who:
Defective Turret
For many of you, I realize 60 dollars is an unprecedented windfall, so don't go spending it all on... I don't know. Caroline, what do these people buy? Tattered hats? Beard dirt?
Listens:
1737
Who:
Cave Johnson
I’m flyinnnng!
Listens:
1731
Who:
Turret
So that's just what I was doing. I was just reading... ah... books. So I'm not a moron.
Listens:
1730
Who:
Wheatley
Haha, Mr. Johnson!
Listens:
1724
Who:
Caroline
Yes indeed. Yes indeed.
Listens:
1722
Who:
Defective Turret
What if you froze like that?
Listens:
1714
Who:
GLaDOS
[laughs]
Listens:
1714
Who:
Wheatley
I’m on fire.
Listens:
1712
Who:
Turret
You had to play bloody cat and mouse, didn't you? While people were trying to work. Yes, well, now we're all going to pay the price. BECAUSE WE'RE ALL GOING TO BLOODY DIE.
Listens:
1689
Who:
Wheatley
In Victorian England, a commoner was not allowed to look directly at the Queen, due to a belief at the time that the poor had the ability to steal thoughts. Science now believes that less than 4% of poor people are able to do this.
Listens:
1686
Who:
Core 3
Why?
Listens:
1686
Who:
Turret
Click click click! Still defective!
Listens:
1682
Who:
Defective Turret
Hello!
Listens:
1667
Who:
Wheatley
Pens. Pens. Pens. Pens. Pens. Pens. Pens.
Listens:
1663
Who:
Core 3
I'm no psychiatrist, but coming from a bunch of eggheads who wouldn't recognize the thrill of danger if it walked up and snapped their little pink bras, that sounds like 'projection'.
Listens:
1660
Who:
Cave Johnson
You like revenge, right? Everybody likes revenge. Well, let's go get some.
Listens:
1660
Who:
GLaDOS
I'll bet there isn't even a problem with the facility, is there? I'll bet there's no such thing as a 'reactor core'. I'll bet that's not even fire coming out of the walls, is it? It's just cleverly placed lights and papier mache, I'll bet that's all it is.
Listens:
1659
Who:
Wheatley
Oh, really? Space? Really? You should have said something! We had no idea!
Listens:
1655
Who:
Core 2
Manual core replacement required.
Listens:
1647
Who:
Announcer
Substitute Core: Are you ready to start?
Listens:
1644
Who:
Announcer
I'm not defective!
Listens:
1644
Who:
Defective Turret
So... we're all supposed to be blind, then, right? It's not just me? Alright, fantastic.
Listens:
1642
Who:
Defective Turret
Nooooo. No, I don't think it is. I think you're wrong.
Listens:
1640
Who:
Wheatley
Well done! The Enrichment Center reminds you that although circumstances may appear bleak, you are not alone. All Aperture Science personality constructs will remain functional in apocalyptic, low power environments of as few as 1.1 volts.
Listens:
1636
Who:
Announcer
This on? [thump thump] Hey. Listen up down there. That thing's called an elevator. Not a bathroom.
Listens:
1635
Who:
Cave Johnson
Space space going to space oh boy
Listens:
1635
Who:
Core 1
Gotcha!
Listens:
1635
Who:
Turret
Good, that's still working.
Listens:
1628
Who:
GLaDOS
So much space. Need to see it all.
Listens:
1614
Who:
Core 1
Ha... That sounded real. No! That was actually an impression of you. Actually. Because you just fell into my trap. My brilliant trap. Just then. I wanted you to trick me into bursting that pipe. You didn't trick me. Seemingly trick me. Gives you false hope. Leads to overconfidence. And that leads to mistakes. Fatal mistakes. It's all part of my plan.
Listens:
1611
Who:
Wheatley
Well, no matter. Because I'm STILL holding all the cards, and guess what: they're allll Full Houses! I've never played cards. Meaning to learn.
Listens:
1605
Who:
Wheatley
The average human male is about sixty percent water. Far as we're concerned, that's a little extravagant. So if you feel a bit dehydrated in this next test, that's normal. We're gonna hit you with some jet engines, and see if we can't get you down to twenty or thirty percent.
Listens:
1591
Who:
Cave Johnson
Ha! Was that your bullet-riddled body, flying out of the room? It was- aww, those were the crap turrets, weren't they? Yeah...
Listens:
1589
Who:
Wheatley
Great job, astronaut, war hero, and/or Olympian! With your help, we're gonna [tape cuts out]
Listens:
1588
Who:
Cave Johnson
If I'd known you'd let yourself get captured this easily, I would have just dangled a turkey leg on a rope from the ceiling.
Listens:
1588
Who:
GLaDOS
Target aquired.
Listens:
1586
Who:
Turret
FOOL! You were a fool to come back, because I've trapped you again! Helpless. You're at my mercy. And I don't have any. You're at my nothing. You're at my lack of mercy.
Listens:
1584
Who:
Wheatley
Diamonds are made when coal is put under intense pressure. Diamonds put under intense pressure become foam pellets, commonly used today as packing material.
Listens:
1579
Who:
Core 3
It was YOUR voice.
Listens:
1577
Who:
GLaDOS
Warning: Central core is eighty percent corrupt.
Listens:
1575
Who:
Announcer
Sorry, what?
Listens:
1575
Who:
Wheatley
Helloooooooooooo!
Listens:
1571
Who:
Wheatley
Only three more chambers until your big surprise! [maniacal laughter] Ohhh, that's tiring.
Listens:
1568
Who:
Wheatley
You know what I have too many of around here? Monitors. I was just thinking earlier today I wish I had fewer monitors that were working. So you're actually helping me by smashing them.
Listens:
1568
Who:
Wheatley
Hello?
Listens:
1567
Who:
Turret
Oh for... They told me if I ever turned this flashlight on, I would DIE. They told me that about EVERYTHING. I don't know why they even bothered to give me this stuff if they didn't want me usin' it. It's pointless. Mad.
Listens:
1565
Who:
Wheatley
Ahahaha
Listens:
1559
Who:
Turret
No no wait wait waitAGGGHHHH
Listens:
1555
Who:
Defective Turret
Excuse me
Listens:
1553
Who:
Turret
The portal will open and emergency testing will begin in three. Two. One.
Listens:
1548
Who:
Announcer
Had a bit of a brain wave. There I was, smashing some steel plates together, and I thought, 'yes, it's deadly. But what's missing? What's missing?' And I thought lots of sharp bits welded onto the flat bits.
Listens:
1547
Who:
Wheatley
Hi there!
Listens:
1541
Who:
Defective Turret
However, thanks to Emergency Testing Protocols, testing can continue. These pre-recorded messages will provide instructional and motivational support, so that science can still be done, even in the event of environmental, social, economic, or structural collapse.
Listens:
1535
Who:
Announcer
Holmes versus Moriarty.
Listens:
1535
Who:
Wheatley
I'm fired, aren't I?
Listens:
1535
Who:
Defective Turret
Space. Space. Space. Space. Comets. Stars. Galaxies. Orion.
Listens:
1529
Who:
Core 1
Oh oh oh. This is space! I'm in space!
Listens:
1527
Who:
Core 1
Humans must have some purpose other than a place to store your neurotoxin. Something I failed to notice before, an intangible quality that makes their test results... significant.
Listens:
1527
Who:
GLaDOS
Ow. I hate this bird.
Listens:
1524
Who:
GLaDOS
Whee!
Listens:
1521
Who:
Turret
We're back!
Listens:
1520
Who:
Defective Turret
You really do have brain damage, don't you?
Listens:
1518
Who:
GLaDOS
If you're allergic to peanuts, you might want to tell somebody now, because this next test may turn your blood into peanut water for a few minutes. On the bright side, if we can make this happen, they're gonna have to invent a new type of Nobel Prize to give us, so hang in there.
Listens:
1513
Who:
Cave Johnson
The answer is beneath us.
Listens:
1512
Who:
Turret
Still, though, let's get mad! If we're going to explode, let's at least explode with some dignity.
Listens:
1510
Who:
GLaDOS
'Let there be light.' That's, uh... God. I was quoting God.
Listens:
1510
Who:
Wheatley
00:00 / 00:00
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