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Portal 2
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Stalemate detected. Transfer procedure cannot continue.
Listens:
2233
Who:
Announcer
The most poisonous fish in the world is the orange ruffy. Everything but its eyes are made of a deadly poison. The ruffy's eyes are composed of a less harmful, deadly poison.
Listens:
2226
Who:
Core 3
Hello!
Listens:
2222
Who:
Wheatley
Don't shoot!
Listens:
2221
Who:
Turret
We haven't entirely nailed down what element it is yet, but I'll tell you this: it's a lively one, and it does NOT like the human skeleton.
Listens:
2217
Who:
Cave Johnson
89% of magic tricks are not magic. Technically, they are sorcery.
Listens:
2209
Who:
Core 3
Now, maybe you don't have any tumors. Well, don't worry. If you sat on a folding chair in the lobby and weren't wearing lead underpants, we took care of that too.
Listens:
2202
Who:
Cave Johnson
There you are
Listens:
2200
Who:
Turret
Go on. Get a big fat eyeful. With your big fat eyes.
Listens:
2199
Who:
GLaDOS
Crap.
Listens:
2189
Who:
Defective Turret
Seriously, though. Goodbye.
Listens:
2188
Who:
GLaDOS
Don't think I'm not onto you too, lady. You know what you are? Selfish. I've done nothing but sacrifice to get us here! What have you sacrificed? NOTHING. Zero. All you've done is BOSS ME AROUND. Well, NOW who's the boss? Who's the boss? It's me!
Listens:
2185
Who:
Wheatley
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
2184
Who:
GLaDOS
Hey! Squeaky-voice! Gimme some of your bullets!
Listens:
2172
Who:
Defective Turret
Did you hear that? I think something just exploded. Man, we are in a lot of danger. This is like Christmas. No, it's better than Christmas. This should be its own holiday. Explosion Day!
Listens:
2167
Who:
Core 2
I’m flyinnnng!
Listens:
2167
Who:
Turret
So. How are you holding up?
Listens:
2159
Who:
GLaDOS
Good work getting this far, future-starter! That said, if you are simple-minded, old, or irradiated in such a way that the future should not start with you, please return to your primitive tribe and send back someone better-qualified for testing.
Listens:
2150
Who:
Announcer
Marie Curie invented the theory of radioactivity, the treatment of radioactivity, and dying of radioactivity.
Listens:
2136
Who:
Core 3
[laughs]
Listens:
2129
Who:
Wheatley
Ha ha ha ha ha, good one.
Listens:
2123
Who:
GLaDOS
Welcome back. While you were dead, I reworked the cartoon. It's up on the screen.
Listens:
2116
Who:
GLaDOS
Why?
Listens:
2113
Who:
Turret
I’m on fire.
Listens:
2109
Who:
Turret
Fire detected in the Stalemate Resolution Annex. Extinguishing.
Listens:
2107
Who:
Announcer
Going to space going there can't wait gotta go. Space. Going.
Listens:
2107
Who:
Core 1
Sir, the testing?
Listens:
2104
Who:
Caroline
Space space wanna go to space
Listens:
2094
Who:
Core 1
Ahhhohohhhh. Wow. Well done, seriously, both of you. Why don't you two go on ahead? I'll catch up with you.
Listens:
2086
Who:
Wheatley
Oh. Hi.
Listens:
2084
Who:
GLaDOS
...unless a stalemate associate is present to press the stalemate resolution button.
Listens:
2080
Who:
Announcer
This next test involves the Aperture Science Aerial Faith Plate. It was part of an initiative to investigate how well test subjects could solve problems when they were catapulted into space. Results were highly informative: They could not. Good luck!
Listens:
2071
Who:
GLaDOS
You like revenge, right? Everybody likes revenge. Well, let's go get some.
Listens:
2061
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh, shut up!
Listens:
2052
Who:
Core 2
Oh, in case you got covered in that repulsion gel, here's some advice the lab boys gave me: DO NOT get covered in the repulsion gel.
Listens:
2049
Who:
Cave Johnson
Here's the plan: Get him to say, 'You two have been a thorn in my side long enough.' Then tell your pretty ears to stand back, because I am going to zing him into space.
Listens:
2049
Who:
Core 2
Pants were invented by sailors in the sixteenth century to avoid Poseidon's wrath. It was believed that the sight of naked sailors angered the sea god.
Listens:
2043
Who:
Core 3
Click click click! Still defective!
Listens:
2026
Who:
Defective Turret
But you were different weren't you? Such a good jumper. Problem solver. Clever. But ambitious. That's your Achilles Heel. Mine's-oh! Oh! Almost told you. Clever, clever girl. Again: brain damaged like a fox, you.
Listens:
2020
Who:
Wheatley
Gotcha!
Listens:
2017
Who:
Turret
These bridges are made from natural light that I pump in from the surface. If you rubbed your cheek on one, it would be like standing outside with the sun shining on your face. It would also set your hair on fire, so don't actually do it.
Listens:
2010
Who:
GLaDOS
So... we're all supposed to be blind, then, right? It's not just me? Alright, fantastic.
Listens:
2003
Who:
Defective Turret
Yes indeed. Yes indeed.
Listens:
1999
Who:
Defective Turret
Helloooooooooooo!
Listens:
1998
Who:
Wheatley
I'm not defective!
Listens:
1997
Who:
Defective Turret
Substitute Core: Are you ready to start?
Listens:
1993
Who:
Announcer
What if you froze like that?
Listens:
1993
Who:
GLaDOS
So that's just what I was doing. I was just reading... ah... books. So I'm not a moron.
Listens:
1990
Who:
Wheatley
Target aquired.
Listens:
1987
Who:
Turret
No no wait wait waitAGGGHHHH
Listens:
1982
Who:
Defective Turret
You had to play bloody cat and mouse, didn't you? While people were trying to work. Yes, well, now we're all going to pay the price. BECAUSE WE'RE ALL GOING TO BLOODY DIE.
Listens:
1968
Who:
Wheatley
Hello?
Listens:
1968
Who:
Turret
But the real point is - oh, oh! You know what I've just remembered? Football! Kicking a ball around for fun. Cruel, obviously. Humans love it. Metaphor. Should have seen this coming.
Listens:
1962
Who:
Wheatley
Haha, Mr. Johnson!
Listens:
1960
Who:
Caroline
Manual core replacement required.
Listens:
1956
Who:
Announcer
For many of you, I realize 60 dollars is an unprecedented windfall, so don't go spending it all on... I don't know. Caroline, what do these people buy? Tattered hats? Beard dirt?
Listens:
1947
Who:
Cave Johnson
Sorry, what?
Listens:
1927
Who:
Wheatley
Space space going to space oh boy
Listens:
1921
Who:
Core 1
Holmes versus Moriarty.
Listens:
1921
Who:
Wheatley
'Let there be light.' That's, uh... God. I was quoting God.
Listens:
1915
Who:
Wheatley
I'll bet there isn't even a problem with the facility, is there? I'll bet there's no such thing as a 'reactor core'. I'll bet that's not even fire coming out of the walls, is it? It's just cleverly placed lights and papier mache, I'll bet that's all it is.
Listens:
1911
Who:
Wheatley
Well done! The Enrichment Center reminds you that although circumstances may appear bleak, you are not alone. All Aperture Science personality constructs will remain functional in apocalyptic, low power environments of as few as 1.1 volts.
Listens:
1909
Who:
Announcer
You know who found that interesting? Nobody. That didn't affect anybody's life in any way whatsoever. Life would be exactly the same if you hadn't said anything.
Listens:
1909
Who:
Core 2
Nooooo. No, I don't think it is. I think you're wrong.
Listens:
1905
Who:
Wheatley
FOOL! You were a fool to come back, because I've trapped you again! Helpless. You're at my mercy. And I don't have any. You're at my nothing. You're at my lack of mercy.
Listens:
1904
Who:
Wheatley
Whee!
Listens:
1896
Who:
Turret
Warning: Central core is eighty percent corrupt.
Listens:
1894
Who:
Announcer
Pens. Pens. Pens. Pens. Pens. Pens. Pens.
Listens:
1889
Who:
Core 3
In Victorian England, a commoner was not allowed to look directly at the Queen, due to a belief at the time that the poor had the ability to steal thoughts. Science now believes that less than 4% of poor people are able to do this.
Listens:
1887
Who:
Core 3
Only three more chambers until your big surprise! [maniacal laughter] Ohhh, that's tiring.
Listens:
1885
Who:
Wheatley
Ahahaha
Listens:
1885
Who:
Turret
I'm fired, aren't I?
Listens:
1878
Who:
Defective Turret
I'm no psychiatrist, but coming from a bunch of eggheads who wouldn't recognize the thrill of danger if it walked up and snapped their little pink bras, that sounds like 'projection'.
Listens:
1872
Who:
Cave Johnson
Oh, brilliant, yeah. Take one last look at your precious human moon. Because it cannot help you now!
Listens:
1864
Who:
Wheatley
The answer is beneath us.
Listens:
1863
Who:
Turret
Ha! Was that your bullet-riddled body, flying out of the room? It was- aww, those were the crap turrets, weren't they? Yeah...
Listens:
1860
Who:
Wheatley
Hi there!
Listens:
1860
Who:
Defective Turret
Excuse me
Listens:
1860
Who:
Turret
Hey hey hey!
Listens:
1856
Who:
Turret
Sorry, we're closed
Listens:
1854
Who:
Turret
This on? [thump thump] Hey. Listen up down there. That thing's called an elevator. Not a bathroom.
Listens:
1850
Who:
Cave Johnson
Ha... That sounded real. No! That was actually an impression of you. Actually. Because you just fell into my trap. My brilliant trap. Just then. I wanted you to trick me into bursting that pipe. You didn't trick me. Seemingly trick me. Gives you false hope. Leads to overconfidence. And that leads to mistakes. Fatal mistakes. It's all part of my plan.
Listens:
1848
Who:
Wheatley
However, thanks to Emergency Testing Protocols, testing can continue. These pre-recorded messages will provide instructional and motivational support, so that science can still be done, even in the event of environmental, social, economic, or structural collapse.
Listens:
1838
Who:
Announcer
Blah.
Listens:
1832
Who:
GLaDOS
We're back!
Listens:
1815
Who:
Defective Turret
Well, no matter. Because I'm STILL holding all the cards, and guess what: they're allll Full Houses! I've never played cards. Meaning to learn.
Listens:
1809
Who:
Wheatley
You really do have brain damage, don't you?
Listens:
1808
Who:
GLaDOS
This is not good.
Listens:
1808
Who:
Turret
Who's there?
Listens:
1807
Who:
Turret
Coming through!
Listens:
1805
Who:
Turret
There you are
Listens:
1804
Who:
Turret
Hurt me once, shame on me. Hurt me twice...
Listens:
1803
Who:
Defective Turret
Good, that's still working.
Listens:
1802
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh, really? Space? Really? You should have said something! We had no idea!
Listens:
1793
Who:
Core 2
The average human male is about sixty percent water. Far as we're concerned, that's a little extravagant. So if you feel a bit dehydrated in this next test, that's normal. We're gonna hit you with some jet engines, and see if we can't get you down to twenty or thirty percent.
Listens:
1789
Who:
Cave Johnson
So much space. Need to see it all.
Listens:
1783
Who:
Core 1
Great job, astronaut, war hero, and/or Olympian! With your help, we're gonna [tape cuts out]
Listens:
1776
Who:
Cave Johnson
Humans must have some purpose other than a place to store your neurotoxin. Something I failed to notice before, an intangible quality that makes their test results... significant.
Listens:
1770
Who:
GLaDOS
It was YOUR voice.
Listens:
1770
Who:
GLaDOS
The portal will open and emergency testing will begin in three. Two. One.
Listens:
1769
Who:
Announcer
00:00 / 00:00
Test Player
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