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Portal 2
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89% of magic tricks are not magic. Technically, they are sorcery.
Listens:
1953
Who:
Core 3
I'm in space.
Listens:
1944
Who:
Core 1
Grab me grab me grab me! Grab meeee!
Listens:
1932
Who:
Wheatley
Please prepare for emergency evacuation.
Listens:
1921
Who:
Announcer
Don't think I'm not onto you too, lady. You know what you are? Selfish. I've done nothing but sacrifice to get us here! What have you sacrificed? NOTHING. Zero. All you've done is BOSS ME AROUND. Well, NOW who's the boss? Who's the boss? It's me!
Listens:
1919
Who:
Wheatley
Going to space going there can't wait gotta go. Space. Going.
Listens:
1911
Who:
Core 1
Ha ha ha ha ha, good one.
Listens:
1909
Who:
GLaDOS
Response
Listens:
1906
Who:
Announcer
Here's the plan: Get him to say, 'You two have been a thorn in my side long enough.' Then tell your pretty ears to stand back, because I am going to zing him into space.
Listens:
1901
Who:
Core 2
Seriously, though. Goodbye.
Listens:
1900
Who:
GLaDOS
Don't shoot!
Listens:
1890
Who:
Turret
Sir, the testing?
Listens:
1885
Who:
Caroline
So. How are you holding up?
Listens:
1885
Who:
GLaDOS
Good work getting this far, future-starter! That said, if you are simple-minded, old, or irradiated in such a way that the future should not start with you, please return to your primitive tribe and send back someone better-qualified for testing.
Listens:
1875
Who:
Announcer
Welcome back. While you were dead, I reworked the cartoon. It's up on the screen.
Listens:
1865
Who:
GLaDOS
Pants were invented by sailors in the sixteenth century to avoid Poseidon's wrath. It was believed that the sight of naked sailors angered the sea god.
Listens:
1860
Who:
Core 3
Hello?
Listens:
1850
Who:
Turret
This next test involves the Aperture Science Aerial Faith Plate. It was part of an initiative to investigate how well test subjects could solve problems when they were catapulted into space. Results were highly informative: They could not. Good luck!
Listens:
1848
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh, in case you got covered in that repulsion gel, here's some advice the lab boys gave me: DO NOT get covered in the repulsion gel.
Listens:
1846
Who:
Cave Johnson
Ahhhohohhhh. Wow. Well done, seriously, both of you. Why don't you two go on ahead? I'll catch up with you.
Listens:
1842
Who:
Wheatley
Space space wanna go to space
Listens:
1841
Who:
Core 1
Crap.
Listens:
1840
Who:
Defective Turret
Marie Curie invented the theory of radioactivity, the treatment of radioactivity, and dying of radioactivity.
Listens:
1838
Who:
Core 3
But you were different weren't you? Such a good jumper. Problem solver. Clever. But ambitious. That's your Achilles Heel. Mine's-oh! Oh! Almost told you. Clever, clever girl. Again: brain damaged like a fox, you.
Listens:
1833
Who:
Wheatley
...unless a stalemate associate is present to press the stalemate resolution button.
Listens:
1828
Who:
Announcer
There you are
Listens:
1823
Who:
Turret
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
1811
Who:
GLaDOS
Fire detected in the Stalemate Resolution Annex. Extinguishing.
Listens:
1810
Who:
Announcer
Warning, sphere corruption at twenty-- rats cannot throw up.
Listens:
1808
Who:
Core 3
But the real point is - oh, oh! You know what I've just remembered? Football! Kicking a ball around for fun. Cruel, obviously. Humans love it. Metaphor. Should have seen this coming.
Listens:
1804
Who:
Wheatley
Oh. Hi.
Listens:
1801
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh, shut up!
Listens:
1798
Who:
Core 2
Hey! Squeaky-voice! Gimme some of your bullets!
Listens:
1787
Who:
Defective Turret
I’m flyinnnng!
Listens:
1779
Who:
Turret
You know who found that interesting? Nobody. That didn't affect anybody's life in any way whatsoever. Life would be exactly the same if you hadn't said anything.
Listens:
1777
Who:
Core 2
For many of you, I realize 60 dollars is an unprecedented windfall, so don't go spending it all on... I don't know. Caroline, what do these people buy? Tattered hats? Beard dirt?
Listens:
1763
Who:
Cave Johnson
Yes indeed. Yes indeed.
Listens:
1753
Who:
Defective Turret
I’m on fire.
Listens:
1752
Who:
Turret
Haha, Mr. Johnson!
Listens:
1750
Who:
Caroline
[laughs]
Listens:
1746
Who:
Wheatley
So that's just what I was doing. I was just reading... ah... books. So I'm not a moron.
Listens:
1746
Who:
Wheatley
What if you froze like that?
Listens:
1743
Who:
GLaDOS
Why?
Listens:
1736
Who:
Turret
You had to play bloody cat and mouse, didn't you? While people were trying to work. Yes, well, now we're all going to pay the price. BECAUSE WE'RE ALL GOING TO BLOODY DIE.
Listens:
1726
Who:
Wheatley
Click click click! Still defective!
Listens:
1726
Who:
Defective Turret
In Victorian England, a commoner was not allowed to look directly at the Queen, due to a belief at the time that the poor had the ability to steal thoughts. Science now believes that less than 4% of poor people are able to do this.
Listens:
1702
Who:
Core 3
Hello!
Listens:
1694
Who:
Wheatley
Gotcha!
Listens:
1689
Who:
Turret
I'll bet there isn't even a problem with the facility, is there? I'll bet there's no such thing as a 'reactor core'. I'll bet that's not even fire coming out of the walls, is it? It's just cleverly placed lights and papier mache, I'll bet that's all it is.
Listens:
1688
Who:
Wheatley
Pens. Pens. Pens. Pens. Pens. Pens. Pens.
Listens:
1682
Who:
Core 3
I'm no psychiatrist, but coming from a bunch of eggheads who wouldn't recognize the thrill of danger if it walked up and snapped their little pink bras, that sounds like 'projection'.
Listens:
1681
Who:
Cave Johnson
You like revenge, right? Everybody likes revenge. Well, let's go get some.
Listens:
1681
Who:
GLaDOS
I'm not defective!
Listens:
1680
Who:
Defective Turret
So... we're all supposed to be blind, then, right? It's not just me? Alright, fantastic.
Listens:
1679
Who:
Defective Turret
Substitute Core: Are you ready to start?
Listens:
1672
Who:
Announcer
Oh, really? Space? Really? You should have said something! We had no idea!
Listens:
1672
Who:
Core 2
Space space going to space oh boy
Listens:
1670
Who:
Core 1
This on? [thump thump] Hey. Listen up down there. That thing's called an elevator. Not a bathroom.
Listens:
1669
Who:
Cave Johnson
Well done! The Enrichment Center reminds you that although circumstances may appear bleak, you are not alone. All Aperture Science personality constructs will remain functional in apocalyptic, low power environments of as few as 1.1 volts.
Listens:
1667
Who:
Announcer
Manual core replacement required.
Listens:
1665
Who:
Announcer
Nooooo. No, I don't think it is. I think you're wrong.
Listens:
1664
Who:
Wheatley
Holmes versus Moriarty.
Listens:
1659
Who:
Wheatley
Good, that's still working.
Listens:
1653
Who:
GLaDOS
Ha... That sounded real. No! That was actually an impression of you. Actually. Because you just fell into my trap. My brilliant trap. Just then. I wanted you to trick me into bursting that pipe. You didn't trick me. Seemingly trick me. Gives you false hope. Leads to overconfidence. And that leads to mistakes. Fatal mistakes. It's all part of my plan.
Listens:
1637
Who:
Wheatley
Target aquired.
Listens:
1626
Who:
Turret
So much space. Need to see it all.
Listens:
1622
Who:
Core 1
Well, no matter. Because I'm STILL holding all the cards, and guess what: they're allll Full Houses! I've never played cards. Meaning to learn.
Listens:
1617
Who:
Wheatley
FOOL! You were a fool to come back, because I've trapped you again! Helpless. You're at my mercy. And I don't have any. You're at my nothing. You're at my lack of mercy.
Listens:
1613
Who:
Wheatley
Ha! Was that your bullet-riddled body, flying out of the room? It was- aww, those were the crap turrets, weren't they? Yeah...
Listens:
1613
Who:
Wheatley
Hello?
Listens:
1612
Who:
Turret
Helloooooooooooo!
Listens:
1611
Who:
Wheatley
Ahahaha
Listens:
1610
Who:
Turret
The average human male is about sixty percent water. Far as we're concerned, that's a little extravagant. So if you feel a bit dehydrated in this next test, that's normal. We're gonna hit you with some jet engines, and see if we can't get you down to twenty or thirty percent.
Listens:
1608
Who:
Cave Johnson
Great job, astronaut, war hero, and/or Olympian! With your help, we're gonna [tape cuts out]
Listens:
1607
Who:
Cave Johnson
It was YOUR voice.
Listens:
1605
Who:
GLaDOS
If I'd known you'd let yourself get captured this easily, I would have just dangled a turkey leg on a rope from the ceiling.
Listens:
1604
Who:
GLaDOS
Sorry, what?
Listens:
1602
Who:
Wheatley
Warning: Central core is eighty percent corrupt.
Listens:
1600
Who:
Announcer
Diamonds are made when coal is put under intense pressure. Diamonds put under intense pressure become foam pellets, commonly used today as packing material.
Listens:
1590
Who:
Core 3
Only three more chambers until your big surprise! [maniacal laughter] Ohhh, that's tiring.
Listens:
1588
Who:
Wheatley
Excuse me
Listens:
1587
Who:
Turret
No no wait wait waitAGGGHHHH
Listens:
1586
Who:
Defective Turret
Oh for... They told me if I ever turned this flashlight on, I would DIE. They told me that about EVERYTHING. I don't know why they even bothered to give me this stuff if they didn't want me usin' it. It's pointless. Mad.
Listens:
1581
Who:
Wheatley
You know what I have too many of around here? Monitors. I was just thinking earlier today I wish I had fewer monitors that were working. So you're actually helping me by smashing them.
Listens:
1579
Who:
Wheatley
Hi there!
Listens:
1578
Who:
Defective Turret
I'm fired, aren't I?
Listens:
1577
Who:
Defective Turret
Blah.
Listens:
1575
Who:
GLaDOS
The portal will open and emergency testing will begin in three. Two. One.
Listens:
1570
Who:
Announcer
Whee!
Listens:
1566
Who:
Turret
However, thanks to Emergency Testing Protocols, testing can continue. These pre-recorded messages will provide instructional and motivational support, so that science can still be done, even in the event of environmental, social, economic, or structural collapse.
Listens:
1564
Who:
Announcer
Had a bit of a brain wave. There I was, smashing some steel plates together, and I thought, 'yes, it's deadly. But what's missing? What's missing?' And I thought lots of sharp bits welded onto the flat bits.
Listens:
1562
Who:
Wheatley
Humans must have some purpose other than a place to store your neurotoxin. Something I failed to notice before, an intangible quality that makes their test results... significant.
Listens:
1559
Who:
GLaDOS
We're back!
Listens:
1556
Who:
Defective Turret
Ow. I hate this bird.
Listens:
1548
Who:
GLaDOS
You really do have brain damage, don't you?
Listens:
1545
Who:
GLaDOS
The answer is beneath us.
Listens:
1545
Who:
Turret
Space. Space. Space. Space. Comets. Stars. Galaxies. Orion.
Listens:
1544
Who:
Core 1
Oh oh oh. This is space! I'm in space!
Listens:
1540
Who:
Core 1
'Let there be light.' That's, uh... God. I was quoting God.
Listens:
1539
Who:
Wheatley
If you're allergic to peanuts, you might want to tell somebody now, because this next test may turn your blood into peanut water for a few minutes. On the bright side, if we can make this happen, they're gonna have to invent a new type of Nobel Prize to give us, so hang in there.
Listens:
1535
Who:
Cave Johnson
00:00 / 00:00
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