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Portal 2
Portal 2 DLC
Portal 2 PTI
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Portal 1 Music
Team Fortress 2
TF2 Music
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Yeah! Let's do this!
Listens:
379
Who:
Defective Turret
Huh. That was easy.
Listens:
202
Who:
Wheatley
There are 5000 other two subject teams in direct competition with you.
Listens:
210
Who:
GLaDOS
You know what my days used to be like? I just tested. Nobody murdered me. Or put me in a potato. Or fed me to birds. I had a pretty good life.
Listens:
75905
Who:
GLaDOS
It's not like I've got hordes of replacement monitors just lying around back here in the old warehouse that I can just wheel out an bolt back on. I didn't order in loads of spare monitors thinking some crazy woman was going to go around smashing them all. Sorry if that's my fault. Sorry if I didn't have the forethought to think oh she might go crazy one day instead of just getting on with things. Sorry I didn't think of that.
Listens:
7850
Who:
Wheatley
You think I'll betray you. And on any other day, you'd be right.
Listens:
247
Who:
GLaDOS
It burns.
Listens:
2080
Who:
Turret
All these science spheres are made of asbestos, by the way. Keeps out the rats. Let us know if you feel a shortness of breath, a persistent dry cough or your heart stopping. Because that's not part of the test. That's asbestos.
Listens:
27244
Who:
Cave Johnson
four
Listens:
333
Who:
GLaDOS
Do you have a gun? Because I should really have a gun. What is that thing you're holding?
Listens:
424
Who:
Core 2
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
2031
Who:
GLaDOS
BAM! Secret panel! That I opened. While your back was turned.
Listens:
327
Who:
Wheatley
Let go of me!
Listens:
278
Who:
Wheatley
Get in the lift.
Listens:
197
Who:
Wheatley
So: there's PLENTY of time to recover. Just take it slow.
Listens:
204
Who:
Wheatley
Spheres that insist on going into space are inferior to spheres that don't.
Listens:
743
Who:
Core 3
Oh! You came back! Didn't actually plan... for that. Can't actually reset the death trap. So. Ah. Could you jump into that pit, there? Would you just jump into that pit for me?
Listens:
959
Who:
Wheatley
Okay, DON'T PANIC! I can still stop it, not a problem. There's a password! I'll just hack it. Here we go.
Listens:
745
Who:
Wheatley
That is a potato battery. It's a toy for children. And now she lives in it.
Listens:
2812
Who:
Wheatley
Howdy, stranger! We're back!
Listens:
603
Who:
Defective Turret
Passive-aggressive.
Listens:
253
Who:
GLaDOS
Hey, it is GREAT seeing you guys again. Seriously. It turns out I'm a little short on test subjects right now. So this works out PERFECT.
Listens:
269
Who:
Wheatley
Electrocution, shot, drowned, crushed, burned in goo.
Listens:
978
Who:
GLaDOS
Good. You made it to one of the human habitats. We're looking for an artifact. Think of it as an archeological dig.
Listens:
676
Who:
GLaDOS
Most of them are simply good test subjects.
Listens:
176
Who:
GLaDOS
Brain Mapping. Artificial Intelligence. We should have been working on it thirty years ago. I will say this - and I'm gonna say it on tape so everybody hears it a hundred times a day: If I die before you people can pour me into a computer, I want Caroline to run this place.
Listens:
2073
Who:
Cave Johnson
Ha... That sounded real. No! That was actually an impression of you. Actually. Because you just fell into my trap. My brilliant trap. Just then. I wanted you to trick me into bursting that pipe. You didn't trick me. Seemingly trick me. Gives you false hope. Leads to overconfidence. And that leads to mistakes. Fatal mistakes. It's all part of my plan.
Listens:
1606
Who:
Wheatley
Hello again. Sorry about exploding you. Luckily, you don't feel pain. At any rate, you don't have a way to communicate that you feel pain.
Listens:
2173
Who:
GLaDOS
STAY CALM! Stay calm! 'Prepare.' That's all it's saying. It's just saying 'Prepare.' It's all fine. Alright? Don't move. I'm going to get us out of here.
Listens:
513
Who:
Wheatley
Each portal gun may create two self-contained portals.
Listens:
228
Who:
GLaDOS
Are you alive down there?
Listens:
316
Who:
Wheatley
Mr. Johnson...
Listens:
1017
Who:
Caroline
We're a lot alike, you and I. You tested me. I tested you. You killed me. I--oh, no, wait. I guess I HAVEN'T killed you yet. Well. Food for thought.
Listens:
2633
Who:
GLaDOS
Does it actually make you feel good when you do that? Because it's not impressive. Noone's impressed. It's just glass, isn't it. Fragile. A baby could smash one of them. It's not impressive.
Listens:
530
Who:
Wheatley
You know, in some human sports, the winner is the one who scores the fewest possible points?
Listens:
189
Who:
GLaDOS
Keep moving! Just keep moving!
Listens:
179
Who:
Wheatley
I just hate Blue a little more.
Listens:
282
Who:
GLaDOS
I tell you, if I was up against impossible odds, this is the way I'd want to go out: mashed with dignity. That'd be the way I'd choose.
Listens:
271
Who:
Wheatley
Yeah!
Listens:
4415
Who:
GLaDOS
Spinny-blade-wall!
Listens:
471
Who:
Wheatley
Orange, that transpired just as you said it would.
Listens:
177
Who:
GLaDOS
Wanna go to -- wanna go to space
Listens:
767
Who:
Core 1
Are you... are you sure you're solving these correctly?
Listens:
198
Who:
Wheatley
Yeah.
Listens:
366
Who:
GLaDOS
Again, though, for the moment: RUN!
Listens:
203
Who:
Wheatley
Maybe you two have never met humans? They are as bad as you might think, smelly, gross, annoying, often wanting to try and kill you. But they do make great test subjects.
Listens:
361
Who:
GLaDOS
We will attempt to comply with these now non-existent agencies by playing some more smooth jazz.
Listens:
2693
Who:
Announcer
Caroline... why do I know this woman? Maybe I killed her? Or-
Listens:
2767
Who:
GLaDOS
You know, in the end, yes, they let me go. It's all politics, to be honest. It's a big popularity contest, it's all about who you know, and whose back you're willing to scratch, who doesn't touch -- or, in my case, who did accidentally touch -- the neurotoxin button.
Listens:
1138
Who:
Wheatley
So whatever you're doing, keep doing it!
Listens:
188
Who:
Wheatley
Silently killing you. Probably. If I had to guess.
Listens:
373
Who:
Wheatley
I'm gonna make you proud!
Listens:
470
Who:
Defective Turret
Try to make your way back out here!
Listens:
181
Who:
Wheatley
YEEEHAAAAAW!
Listens:
10751
Who:
Core 1
Come on through.
Listens:
187
Who:
Wheatley
Okay... that's probably correct. But where it is incorrect is while I've been stalling you WE JUST PRESSED THE BUTTON! USE THE MOMENT OF CONFUSION I'VE JUST CREATED TO PRESS THE BUTTON!
Listens:
440
Who:
Wheatley
Where'd you go?
Listens:
242
Who:
Wheatley
It would compromise the test to divulge individual scores. However, I can tell you at least one of you is doing very, very well.
Listens:
200
Who:
GLaDOS
So that's just what I was doing. I was just reading... ah... books. So I'm not a moron.
Listens:
1718
Who:
Wheatley
I am going to risk having you go outside the official courses one more time.
Listens:
186
Who:
GLaDOS
Alright. Your funeral, pal.
Listens:
400
Who:
Defective Turret
Do you remember when we were friends?
Listens:
449
Who:
Wheatley
I love space.
Listens:
772
Who:
Core 1
It's too big. Too big. Wanna go home. Wanna go to earth.
Listens:
5604
Who:
Core 1
I know how humans make more humans, and frankly, it's ridiculous. It also assumes that you already have a human, which I hope somebody got fired over. So I came up a with BETTER way.
Listens:
19470
Who:
GLaDOS
You're doing a great job of disappointing me.
Listens:
617
Who:
GLaDOS
We're still doing science sir.
Listens:
1379
Who:
Caroline
So, when you kill that guy, do you have a cool line? You know, prepared? Tell you what: Lemme help you with that while you run around.
Listens:
374
Who:
Core 2
Laughs at own jokes. What a bore.
Listens:
439
Who:
GLaDOS
Seriously, though. Goodbye.
Listens:
1862
Who:
GLaDOS
I have to agree. Orange is penalized 75 science collaboration points.
Listens:
226
Who:
GLaDOS
Programmed in one last tremor, for old time's sake.
Listens:
175
Who:
Wheatley
Okay, I'm gonna lay my cards on the table: I don't wanna do it. I don't want to go in there. Don't... Don't go in there - She's off. She's off! Panic over! She's off. All fine! On we go.
Listens:
421
Who:
Wheatley
Sir, the test.
Listens:
1017
Who:
Caroline
Here's the plan: Get him to say, 'You two have been a thorn in my side long enough.' Then tell your pretty ears to stand back, because I am going to zing him into space.
Listens:
1880
Who:
Core 2
Yes.
Listens:
402
Who:
GLaDOS
I'm going to space.
Listens:
762
Who:
Core 1
It's been a long time. How have you been?
Listens:
39154
Who:
GLaDOS
I might have pushed that moron thing a little too far this time.
Listens:
766
Who:
GLaDOS
Yeah, hey, how ya doin'?
Listens:
363
Who:
Defective Turret
Don't want to hassle you. Sure you're busy. But--still here on the floor. Waiting to be picked up.
Listens:
218
Who:
Wheatley
Rats cannot throw up.
Listens:
660
Who:
Core 3
As the name implies, there are only two minor differences: One, the board; two, the rules.
Listens:
271
Who:
GLaDOS
But I'm huge! [laugh turning to maniacal laugh]
Listens:
33191
Who:
Wheatley
Hey! How's it going? Here I am again!
Listens:
182
Who:
Wheatley
Yes, you. Box. Your stuff. Out the front door. Parking lot. Car. Goodbye.
Listens:
7744
Who:
Cave Johnson
What's going on in there?
Listens:
184
Who:
Wheatley
Your business is appreciated
Listens:
702
Who:
Turret
All those pieces of the ceiling that keep falling out? Probably actually pieces of the ceiling, I'll bet. That looked real. But it doesn't signify anything, is my point.
Listens:
298
Who:
Wheatley
There should be one in the corner.
Listens:
183
Who:
GLaDOS
Alright. He's not even trying to be subtle anymore.
Listens:
570
Who:
GLaDOS
Noooooo!
Listens:
1388
Who:
Turret
DO press it.
Listens:
242
Who:
GLaDOS
Congratulations on completing that last test. But I find something troubling.
Listens:
177
Who:
GLaDOS
Good. This completes the gymnastic portion of your mandatory physical and mental wellness exercise.
Listens:
958
Who:
Announcer
I'm afraid the door's locked. Just checked it. No way to hack it as far as I can tell. The mechanism must be on the -oh, now look at that. That's a big laser!
Listens:
321
Who:
Wheatley
That's horrible.
Listens:
511
Who:
GLaDOS
First up, conversion gel. [cough]
Listens:
1298
Who:
Cave Johnson
The likelihood of you dying violently within the next five minutes is eighty-seven point six one percent.
Listens:
1180
Who:
Core 3
Oh my god.
Listens:
2053
Who:
GLaDOS
00:00 / 00:00
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