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Portal 2
Portal 2 DLC
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Portal 1 Music
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TF2 Music
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Um. You've got a yacht. And... Boys! Loads of fellas. Hunky guys down there. Possibly even a boyfriend! Who's to say at this stage. But, a lot of good looking fellas down there. And, ah, a boy band as well! That haven't seen a woman in years. And they're not picky at all. They don't care if you've got a bit of brain damage. If you've been running around sweating. And... A farm! A pony farm! And... Just jump down, would ya?
Listens:
191771
Who:
Wheatley
Even I was created with a imperfection, I was given too much empathy with human suffering.
Listens:
406
Who:
GLaDOS
Agghh!
Listens:
412
Who:
GLaDOS
We are now going to take a break from the collaboration for an instructional competition.
Listens:
323
Who:
GLaDOS
What are you doing? YOU MONSTER! They're one of us.
Listens:
7276
Who:
GLaDOS
Tadah! Only the turret control center. Thank you very much.
Listens:
412
Who:
Wheatley
Orange
Listens:
718
Who:
GLaDOS
Blue, it's not nice to make fun of Orange like that.
Listens:
319
Who:
GLaDOS
Whatever he does, it isn't important enough for anyone to bother writing it down. For all I know, he doesn't even work here.
Listens:
527
Who:
GLaDOS
Never shares.
Listens:
309
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh, it's fluttering its wings. Tell you what, mate. I'll come in there for a minute and cover you so you can have a look at this lovely bird! I'll come in. I'll do all the neurotoxin stuff. And then you come out here and look at this. Because it is lovely. It is lovely. You want to get out here fast. Seriously, my pleasure sounds are going to frighten the bird away any second. Ohhh, it's not working, is it? He's not interested in bloody birds.
Listens:
3201
Who:
Wheatley
Template
Listens:
3170
Who:
Announcer
But not entirely my fault! You shoulda seen the SIZE of that thing, it was huge! I should have gotten a raise for all the times I DIDN'T bump into it.
Listens:
418
Who:
Wheatley
I'll meet you on the other side!
Listens:
303
Who:
Wheatley
I'm telling 'em, keep your pants on.
Listens:
3645
Who:
Cave Johnson
Okay, well, alright. Just do your idea and then come straight back.
Listens:
299
Who:
Wheatley
Breathes with mouth open.
Listens:
315
Who:
GLaDOS
I was able - well, forced really - to relive you killing me. Again and again. Forever.
Listens:
838
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello!
Listens:
2815
Who:
Wheatley
Didn't even get to the good part yet. Twist ending.
Listens:
631
Who:
Wheatley
Okay, listen, let me lay something on you here. It's pretty heavy. They told me NEVER NEVER EVER to disengage myself from my Management Rail. Or I would DIE. But we're out of options here. So... get ready to catch me, alright, on the off chance that I'm not dead the moment I pop off this thing.
Listens:
939
Who:
Wheatley
That's right. A potato just called your eyes fat.
Listens:
5887
Who:
GLaDOS
Hold on -
Listens:
334
Who:
Wheatley
clickclickclick
Listens:
497
Who:
Defective Turret
You know, if you'd done that to somebody else, they might devote their existences to exacting revenge.
Listens:
1339
Who:
GLaDOS
Ohhh. I see. [chuckle]
Listens:
688
Who:
Wheatley
We have to split up here for a moment. Portal up to that passage and I'll see you on the other side.
Listens:
311
Who:
Wheatley
No hard fealings
Listens:
1086
Who:
Turret
The square root of rope is string.
Listens:
1627
Who:
Core 3
Whales are twice as intelligent, and three times as delicious, as humans.
Listens:
1713
Who:
Core 3
Oh, this ain't good.
Listens:
1061
Who:
Defective Turret
YES YES! IN YOUR FACE! I GOT YO-ah, nope.
Listens:
4322
Who:
Wheatley
Hold on! I thought I fixed that.
Listens:
642
Who:
Wheatley
Are you trying to weigh me down? Think I'll fall out of the ceiling? Won't work. I'm not just quite brilliant, I'm also quite strong. Biggest muscle in my body: my brain. Second biggest: My muscles. So, it's not going to work. Clearly.
Listens:
1138
Who:
Wheatley
Do you feel more human?
Listens:
693
Who:
GLaDOS
Look at you. Sailing through the air majestically. Like an eagle. Piloting a blimp.
Listens:
11175
Who:
GLaDOS
Thanks anyway...
Listens:
1169
Who:
Turret
Here, let me put on some adventure music.
Listens:
974
Who:
Core 2
Okay. New plan. Act natural. We've done NOTHING wrong.
Listens:
503
Who:
Wheatley
Don't let that 'horrible person' thing discourage you. It's just a data point. If it makes you feel any better, science has now validated your birth mother's decision to abandon you on a doorstep.
Listens:
6509
Who:
GLaDOS
That's his voice up ahead.
Listens:
322
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh great, dancing again.
Listens:
814
Who:
GLaDOS
This next test applies the principles of momentum to movement through portals. If the laws of physics no longer apply in the future, God help you.
Listens:
3986
Who:
Announcer
Okay. Plan B. We need humans.
Listens:
716
Who:
GLaDOS
In 1879, Sandford Fleming first proposed the adoption of worldwide standardized time zones at the Royal Canadian Institute.
Listens:
641
Who:
Core 3
Facial grimacing.
Listens:
303
Who:
GLaDOS
If you can't complete this course, those humans will die. Do you want that?
Listens:
349
Who:
GLaDOS
There's some sort of control room up top. Let's go investigate.
Listens:
302
Who:
Wheatley
Orange what did you do?
Listens:
348
Who:
GLaDOS
I just have to figure out how. To break us out of here.
Listens:
304
Who:
Wheatley
Good luck!
Listens:
369
Who:
Wheatley
Yeah! How'd you like that?
Listens:
434
Who:
Core 2
A gallon of water weighs 8.34 pounds
Listens:
712
Who:
Core 3
Anxious.
Listens:
337
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh, good. My slow clap processor made it into this thing. So we have that.
Listens:
55513
Who:
GLaDOS
Say goodbye, Caroline.
Listens:
5658
Who:
Cave Johnson
Do not do it!
Listens:
417
Who:
Wheatley
Please continue into the next test chamber.
Listens:
412
Who:
GLaDOS
So I've been thinking: We need humans for these tests. And since the only human within a thousand miles of us is a test-ruining sociopath... I'll just have to MAKE some.
Listens:
1607
Who:
GLaDOS
I swear I know him...
Listens:
418
Who:
GLaDOS
eight
Listens:
584
Who:
GLaDOS
Jump! Actually, looking at it, that is quite a distance, isn't it?
Listens:
316
Who:
Wheatley
No can do.
Listens:
370
Who:
Defective Turret
Don't think I'm not onto you too, lady. You know what you are? Selfish. I've done nothing but sacrifice to get us here! What have you sacrificed? NOTHING. Zero. All you've done is BOSS ME AROUND. Well, NOW who's the boss? Who's the boss? It's me!
Listens:
2597
Who:
Wheatley
Pick me up, don't forget to pick me up!
Listens:
352
Who:
Wheatley
Oh! That's ME they're talking about!
Listens:
711
Who:
Wheatley
Give up? Also the floor. Was the answer that time. Same as before. Still on the floor.
Listens:
299
Who:
Wheatley
Please get it off me.
Listens:
545
Who:
GLaDOS
Open the door!
Listens:
414
Who:
Wheatley
Hey hey! You made it!
Listens:
305
Who:
Wheatley
Well, can't win 'em all...
Listens:
529
Who:
Defective Turret
Click click click! Still defective!
Listens:
2395
Who:
Defective Turret
Lactose intolerant.
Listens:
492
Who:
GLaDOS
He will most likely kill you, violently.
Listens:
1041
Who:
Core 3
Welcome back to the central hub. All test courses are available. You may redundantly solve the courses at your leisure.
Listens:
1091
Who:
Announcer
Crap.
Listens:
2558
Who:
Defective Turret
As you can see, in my version the man points out to the cat that the house is equipped with deadly neurotoxin dispensers.
Listens:
1567
Who:
GLaDOS
Malfunctioning
Listens:
1281
Who:
Turret
Only one more test after this.
Listens:
298
Who:
GLaDOS
All right. I’m going to bring this farce to a close before someone sustains a serious Tic-Tac-Toe-Two-related injury.
Listens:
474
Who:
GLaDOS
Thought you'd seen the last of us, didn't ya?
Listens:
715
Who:
Defective Turret
Uhoh
Listens:
966
Who:
Turret
Oh no! nonononono!
Listens:
14443
Who:
Wheatley
The Fact Sphere is always right.
Listens:
773
Who:
Core 3
Orange do what Blue just did.
Listens:
297
Who:
GLaDOS
Okay... that's probably correct. But where it is incorrect is while I've been stalling you WE JUST PRESSED THE BUTTON! USE THE MOMENT OF CONFUSION I'VE JUST CREATED TO PRESS THE BUTTON!
Listens:
652
Who:
Wheatley
Until now.
Listens:
344
Who:
GLaDOS
No wait, come back. Sorry. Please. I was going somewhere with that.
Listens:
752
Who:
Wheatley
OW! You stabbed me! What is WRONG with yo-WhoOOAAahhh. Hold on. Do you have a multimeter? Nevermind. The gun must be part magnesium... It feels like I'm outputting an extra half a volt. Keep an eye on me: I'm going to do some scheming. Here I g-[BZZZ!]
Listens:
15677
Who:
GLaDOS
Blue, why did you do that to Orange?
Listens:
349
Who:
GLaDOS
While it may appear that I am only tracking your accomplishments using science collaboration points, the truth is every aspect of your performance will be reflected in your final score.
Listens:
376
Who:
GLaDOS
They say the old caretaker of this place went absolutely crazy. Chopped up his entire staff. Of robots. All of them robots. They say at night you can still hear the screams. Of their replicas. All of them functionally indistinguishable from the originals. No memory of the incident. Nobody knows what they’re screaming about. Absolutely terrifying. Though obviously not paranormal in any meaningful way.
Listens:
18866
Who:
Wheatley
PART FIVE! BOOBYTRAP THE STALEMATE BUTTON!
Listens:
6892
Who:
Wheatley
Warning: Core overheating. Nuclear meltdown imminent.
Listens:
19199
Who:
Announcer
Back again!
Listens:
985
Who:
Defective Turret
Good!
Listens:
3059
Who:
Announcer
No. Wait, did I do B? Do you have a pen? Start writing these down.
Listens:
454
Who:
Wheatley
It appears you're developing human traits. The worst human traits.
Listens:
302
Who:
GLaDOS
This next test is very dangerous. To help you remain tranquil in the face of almost certain death, smooth jazz will be deployed in three. Two. One. [SMOOTH JAZZ]
Listens:
80711
Who:
Announcer
The most poisonous fish in the world is the orange ruffy. Everything but its eyes are made of a deadly poison. The ruffy's eyes are composed of a less harmful, deadly poison.
Listens:
2423
Who:
Core 3
00:00 / 00:00
Test Player
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