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Portal 2
Portal 2 DLC
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Portal 1 Music
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TF2 Music
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I can't move. And unless you're planning to saw your own head off and wedge it into my old body, you're going to need me to replace him. We're at an impasse.
Listens:
686
Who:
GLaDOS
What about that camera?
Listens:
248
Who:
GLaDOS
Those of you who volunteered to be injected with praying mantis DNA, I've got some good news and some bad news.
Listens:
4507
Who:
Cave Johnson
Are you trying to impress me? What would impress me more is if you never did that again.
Listens:
287
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello?
Listens:
2570
Who:
Turret
Yes? Something you need?
Listens:
343
Who:
GLaDOS
Pop a portal on that wall behind me there, and I'll meet you on the other side of the room.
Listens:
223
Who:
Wheatley
Ah for Pete's sake!
Listens:
832
Who:
Defective Turret
Wanna go home wanna go home wanna go home wanna go home.
Listens:
1181
Who:
Core 1
Hmmm. Hmmmmmm. Hmm. Hmmmmm. Space!
Listens:
2224
Who:
Core 1
And to your right, something huge hurtling towards you OH GOD RUN! THAT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THERE.
Listens:
2360
Who:
Wheatley
Excellent. I think you have earned a break from the official testing courses.
Listens:
316
Who:
GLaDOS
If you're going to hit each other, at least aim for the head.
Listens:
225
Who:
GLaDOS
No hard fealings
Listens:
942
Who:
Turret
You don't have to test with the garbage. It's garbage.
Listens:
449
Who:
GLaDOS
To start preparing for human testing again, I checked an old suggestion box. The number one request? Less deadly tests.
Listens:
344
Who:
GLaDOS
Always cold.
Listens:
249
Who:
GLaDOS
Yeah.
Listens:
437
Who:
GLaDOS
Look down. Where am I? Where am I?
Listens:
227
Who:
Wheatley
At the end of The Seagull by Anton Chekhov, Konstantin kills himself.
Listens:
490
Who:
Core 3
Thank you for completing the testing courses. If you enjoyed your experience, you may now re-enter the testing course of your choice.
Listens:
748
Who:
Announcer
Come on. Ohhhh. Hit me with it.
Listens:
517
Who:
Wheatley
Hey, just in case this pit isn't actually bottomless, do you think maybe you could unstrap one of those long fall boots of yours and shove me into it?
Listens:
522
Who:
GLaDOS
Uh oh.
Listens:
354
Who:
Wheatley
Yes Orange, we are alone. Blue can't hear you.
Listens:
248
Who:
GLaDOS
William Shakespeare did not exist. His plays were masterminded in 1589 by Francis Bacon, who used a Ouija board to enslave play-writing ghosts.
Listens:
2701
Who:
Core 3
We have to get you out of there!
Listens:
224
Who:
Wheatley
If you can't complete this course, those humans will die. Do you want that?
Listens:
237
Who:
GLaDOS
I feel awful about that surprise. Tell you what, let's give your parents a call right now. [phone ringing] The birth parents you are trying to reach do not love you. Please hang up. [Dial tone]
Listens:
26404
Who:
GLaDOS
Stop doing that! All you need to do is open the Vault door!
Listens:
296
Who:
GLaDOS
Wheeeeeeee!
Listens:
2949
Who:
Turret
So he's inexplicably happy all of a sudden, even though he should be going out of his mind with test withdrawal. AND he's got a surprise for us. What did he FIND back there?
Listens:
587
Who:
GLaDOS
It seems rather earlier to require reassembly.
Listens:
225
Who:
GLaDOS
Please stop.
Listens:
1029
Who:
Turret
Fine. Let the games begin.
Listens:
3657
Who:
Wheatley
The first person to prove that cow's milk is drinkable was very, very thirsty.
Listens:
4068
Who:
Core 3
Malfunctioning
Listens:
1100
Who:
Turret
Can't help but notice you're not coming back. Which is disappointing.
Listens:
539
Who:
Wheatley
If that doesn't motivate you, I'm not sure what will.
Listens:
237
Who:
GLaDOS
Pants were invented by sailors in the sixteenth century to avoid Poseidon's wrath. It was believed that the sight of naked sailors angered the sea god.
Listens:
2031
Who:
Core 3
So... this cat loves lasagna so much that he eats all of the lasagna in his house. Okay, apparently it's not the cat's house or his lasagna. Oh good! The man who owns the lasagna is furious!
Listens:
64761
Who:
GLaDOS
Hey, buddy!
Listens:
579
Who:
Wheatley
I know your cores are reused from calculation machines, built for simple mathematical operations and not for testing, but if we can rescue the humans I promise you something to add maybe even subtract.
Listens:
455
Who:
GLaDOS
Please return to the core transfer bay.
Listens:
1093
Who:
Announcer
I let him keep his job. I'm not a monster. Ignore what he's saying, though. Keep testing.
Listens:
597
Who:
Wheatley
If you want to upset a human, just say their weight variance is above or below the norm.
Listens:
717
Who:
GLaDOS
OW...
Listens:
310
Who:
Wheatley
Maybe I shouldn't send you outside of the official testing courses, you are picking up some bad human traits.
Listens:
341
Who:
GLaDOS
Careful... Careful...
Listens:
225
Who:
Wheatley
OW.
Listens:
352
Who:
Wheatley
Orange receives
Listens:
234
Who:
GLaDOS
This next test involves turrets. You remember them, right? They're the pale spherical things that are full of bullets. Oh wait. That's you in five seconds. Good luck.
Listens:
1520
Who:
GLaDOS
Come on. You were raised better than that.
Listens:
241
Who:
GLaDOS
Yeah.
Listens:
363
Who:
Defective Turret
Alright, let's get started. This first test involves something the lab boys call 'repulsion gel.'
Listens:
1010
Who:
Cave Johnson
Wheeeeee-OHNO!
Listens:
7579
Who:
Turret
The engineers tried everything to make me... behave. To slow me down.
Listens:
762
Who:
GLaDOS
Go on. Just... March on through that hole.
Listens:
242
Who:
Wheatley
Just a heads up: We're gonna have a superconductor turned up full blast and pointed at you for the duration of this next test. I'll be honest, we're throwing science at the wall here to see what sticks. No idea what it'll do. Probably nothing. Best-case scenario, you might get some superpowers. Worst case, some tumors, which we'll cut out.
Listens:
9886
Who:
Cave Johnson
Uhhh, no bullets. Sorry.
Listens:
373
Who:
Defective Turret
Go ahead and grab another one.
Listens:
319
Who:
GLaDOS
Come on! We have to go!
Listens:
224
Who:
Wheatley
Avoids responsibility.
Listens:
226
Who:
GLaDOS
You won't regret this!
Listens:
577
Who:
Defective Turret
Please do not engage with turrets heading towards redemption.
Listens:
773
Who:
Announcer
To make a photocopier, simply photocopy a mirror.
Listens:
1106
Who:
Core 3
Oo! I've got an idea!
Listens:
426
Who:
Wheatley
I believe the ratio of good test subjects to monsters is about... a million to 1.
Listens:
719
Who:
GLaDOS
At the time of this recording, Federal disclosure policies require us to inform you that this next test is probably lethal and to redirect you to a safer test environment.
Listens:
1328
Who:
Announcer
Wait wait wait wait. I know I know I know. Lady wait. Wait. I know. Wait. Space.
Listens:
2493
Who:
Core 1
This place is self-destructing, you idiot!
Listens:
629
Who:
GLaDOS
Warning: Central core is eighty percent corrupt.
Listens:
1862
Who:
Announcer
Yeah!
Listens:
673
Who:
GLaDOS
No! No! NONONO!
Listens:
849
Who:
Wheatley
This is a bridge-building exercise. The humans were miserable at this, mostly because you can't build bridges out of tears.
Listens:
429
Who:
GLaDOS
Apples. Oranges. Pears. Plums. Kumquats. Tangerines. Lemons. Limes. Avocado. Tomato. Banana. Papaya. Guava.
Listens:
6058
Who:
Core 3
Turret redemption lines active.
Listens:
1327
Who:
Announcer
Blue, how well do you really know Orange? Do you trust Orange? What if I told you, you aren't Orange's first cooperative partner?
Listens:
391
Who:
GLaDOS
Well. This is the part where he kills us.
Listens:
1368
Who:
GLaDOS
I'm sorry. The arrows seem to have rusted off. Good luck.
Listens:
406
Who:
GLaDOS
So, when you kill that guy, do you have a cool line? You know, prepared? Tell you what: Lemme help you with that while you run around.
Listens:
446
Who:
Core 2
Two
Listens:
487
Who:
GLaDOS
clickclickclick
Listens:
398
Who:
Defective Turret
Have I ever told you the qualities I love most in you? In order: Number one: resolving things, love the ways you resolve things. Particularly disputes. Number one, tied: Button-pushing. Two things I love about you: Button pushing and the ability to resolve things. Chiefly disputes.
Listens:
607
Who:
Wheatley
What, exactly, is wrong with being adopted?
Listens:
1032
Who:
GLaDOS
Stay casual when I tell you this: I think I smell neurotoxin.
Listens:
339
Who:
Wheatley
Okay, I've decided not to kill you. IF you come back.
Listens:
659
Who:
Wheatley
Are you curious about the humans? It seems some of the last non-testing humans alive tried to secretly imprison other humans and hide their tracks.
Listens:
438
Who:
GLaDOS
Can't. See. A. Thing.
Listens:
1201
Who:
Defective Turret
What do you think?
Listens:
1219
Who:
Wheatley
I don't want this!
Listens:
17341
Who:
Caroline
[laughs]
Listens:
2101
Who:
Wheatley
Put me down!
Listens:
825
Who:
Turret
I created this test to let the humans feel good about themselves. It is extremely easy. Just follow the arrows.
Listens:
346
Who:
GLaDOS
No!
Listens:
870
Who:
GLaDOS
Ooh. It's dark down here isn't it?
Listens:
252
Who:
Wheatley
Still, though, let's get mad! If we're going to explode, let's at least explode with some dignity.
Listens:
1678
Who:
GLaDOS
There's the exit! We're almost out of here!
Listens:
225
Who:
Wheatley
Charmless.
Listens:
245
Who:
GLaDOS
Coming! Coming! Don't start yet!
Listens:
224
Who:
Wheatley
00:00 / 00:00
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