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Portal 2
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Portal 1 Music
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TF2 Music
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Moo hoo ha ha ha ha...
Listens:
478
Who:
Defective Turret
I made it all up.
Listens:
646
Who:
GLaDOS
No tricks. This potato only generates 1.1 volts of electricity. I literally do not have the energy to lie to you.
Listens:
5190
Who:
GLaDOS
If you feel liquid running down your neck, relax, lie on your back, and apply immediate pressure to your temples.
Listens:
285
Who:
GLaDOS
Brain Mapping. Artificial Intelligence. We should have been working on it thirty years ago. I will say this - and I'm gonna say it on tape so everybody hears it a hundred times a day: If I die before you people can pour me into a computer, I want Caroline to run this place.
Listens:
1903
Who:
Cave Johnson
I think these test chambers look even better than they did before. It was easy, really. You just have to look at things objectively, see what you don't need anymore, and trim out the fat.
Listens:
2543
Who:
GLaDOS
Just getting a test ready... For you. Obviously. Who else would I be doing it for? No one.
Listens:
146
Who:
Wheatley
But why don't we all just agree to call it the hub?
Listens:
203
Who:
GLaDOS
Hey, safe travels, there.
Listens:
226
Who:
Defective Turret
Ha ha ha ha ha, good one.
Listens:
1753
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello?
Listens:
410
Who:
Wheatley
Oh those clerks.
Listens:
234
Who:
GLaDOS
In the event that it does, this next test involves exposure to cattle tuberculosis. Good luck!
Listens:
446
Who:
GLaDOS
What are you doing no no no no no!
Listens:
625
Who:
Defective Turret
There's no turret in it... Maybe the system stores a backup image?
Listens:
155
Who:
Wheatley
Corruption at 50%
Listens:
633
Who:
Core 3
Yeah, let's do this.
Listens:
254
Who:
Defective Turret
Hey!
Listens:
513
Who:
Turret
Okay, so the bad news is the tests are MY tests now. So they can kill us.
Listens:
290
Who:
GLaDOS
And that makes 10.
Listens:
176
Who:
GLaDOS
And trust me, humans only have one good trait.
Listens:
219
Who:
GLaDOS
OW.
Listens:
202
Who:
Wheatley
Come back!
Listens:
267
Who:
Wheatley
You were right, Orange. Blue was dumb enough to fall for your trap.
Listens:
367
Who:
GLaDOS
Look, I don't like this any more than you do. In fact, I like it less because I'm the one who got partially eaten by a bird.
Listens:
595
Who:
GLaDOS
Then, when he's no more use to you, he has a little accident. Doesn't he? 'Falls' off his management rail. Doesn't he?
Listens:
335
Who:
Wheatley
Non-defective turret testing active.
Listens:
541
Who:
Announcer
Orange, that transpired just as you said it would.
Listens:
144
Who:
GLaDOS
Hey.
Listens:
392
Who:
Core 1
GO.
Listens:
598
Who:
GLaDOS
There's some sort of control room up top. Let's go investigate.
Listens:
147
Who:
Wheatley
Since it doesn't look like we're going anywhere... Well, we are going somewhere. Alarmingly fast, actually. But since we're not busy other than that, here's a couple of facts.
Listens:
503
Who:
GLaDOS
On three. Ready? One... Two...
Listens:
207
Who:
Wheatley
Okay, I'll take that as a no, then. Fine. Well. May the best man win. Sphere. May the best sphere win. Swap that in. Much more clever. Books.
Listens:
558
Who:
Wheatley
I love space.
Listens:
682
Who:
Core 1
I'm going to space.
Listens:
822
Who:
Core 1
Come to gloat?
Listens:
162
Who:
GLaDOS
Thanks anyway...
Listens:
704
Who:
Turret
You're not going to believe this. I found a sealed off wing. Hundreds - HUNDREDS! - of perfectly good test chambers. Just sitting there. Filled with skeletons. Shook them out. Good as new!
Listens:
1150
Who:
Wheatley
Say, you're good at murder. Could you - ow - murder this bird for me?
Listens:
3250
Who:
GLaDOS
Martyr.
Listens:
167
Who:
GLaDOS
Underestimates scope of work. They all do.
Listens:
165
Who:
GLaDOS
Keep it up and your arm will get stuck like that.
Listens:
147
Who:
GLaDOS
Are you OK?
Listens:
156
Who:
Wheatley
I'm different...
Listens:
55600
Who:
Turret
Alright. So my paradox idea didn't work.
Listens:
285
Who:
GLaDOS
Hey lady. Lady.
Listens:
746
Who:
Core 1
Oh God! Oh, don't need to do that anymore. The jig is up, RUN!
Listens:
608
Who:
Wheatley
Catwalks are safe during defective turret testing.
Listens:
530
Who:
Announcer
AH!
Listens:
385
Who:
Wheatley
Yes, alright, okay. This is getting tiresome. I'm surprised you haven't got anything better to do. I know I have. You've proven you can break screens. Proven. Factual. Well done. Good. Aren't you little miss clever. Little miss smashy-smash.
Listens:
1042
Who:
Wheatley
And what else is down there... Tell you what, it's only a new jumpsuit. A very trendy designer jumpsuit from France. Down there. Which is exactly your size. And if it's a bit baggy, we got a tailor down there as well who can take it in for you
Listens:
585
Who:
Wheatley
THEY didn't fly into space, storm a beach, or bring back the gold. No sir, we did! It's you and me against the world, son! I like your grit! Hustle could use some work, though. Now let's solve this thing!
Listens:
1350
Who:
Cave Johnson
Response
Listens:
1600
Who:
Announcer
These tests are potentially lethal when communication, teamwork, and mutual respect are not employed at all times. Naturally this will pose an interesting challenge for one of you, given the other's performance so far.
Listens:
706
Who:
GLaDOS
Time to watch the master.
Listens:
263
Who:
Defective Turret
I don't blame you
Listens:
18353
Who:
Turret
BECAUSE I'M A POTATO.
Listens:
681855
Who:
GLaDOS
Electrocution, shot, drowned, crushed, burned in goo.
Listens:
883
Who:
GLaDOS
Ummmm. Yeah, I can't do it if you're watching.
Listens:
158
Who:
Wheatley
Good work! I'm delivering the first core up near the catwalk!
Listens:
181
Who:
GLaDOS
But it's not too late to avoid all of that by simply not using the gel. There you go, I said it. I gave away my plan. But I couldn't watch you hurt yourself like this.
Listens:
202
Who:
Wheatley
Try to get us down there. I'll hit him with a paradox.
Listens:
343
Who:
GLaDOS
Oops.
Listens:
495
Who:
GLaDOS
All I wanted to do was make everything better for me! All you had to do was solve a couple hundred simple tests for a few years. And you couldn't even let me have that, could you?
Listens:
414
Who:
Wheatley
Are you scared to save those humans?
Listens:
149
Who:
GLaDOS
Space space space. Going. Going there. Okay. I love you, space.
Listens:
1027
Who:
Core 1
Yeah! How'd you like that?
Listens:
275
Who:
Core 2
Plus, I put a lot of effort in getting this lair ready for you. It'd certainly teach me a lesson if you simply died, painlessly, twenty feet from the door. I'd be furious. I'd be like RRRRR. I got my just desserts. No more than I deserve. Why not teach me a lesson by jumping in the old masher?
Listens:
568
Who:
Wheatley
Her name is Caroline.
Listens:
2964
Who:
Turret
Awwww
Listens:
1911
Who:
Turret
Right. Now, you might be asking yourself, 'Cave, just how difficult are these tests? What was in that phone book of a contract I signed? Am I in danger?'
Listens:
1189
Who:
Cave Johnson
Grab me grab me grab me! Grab meeee!
Listens:
1700
Who:
Wheatley
William Shakespeare did not exist. His plays were masterminded in 1589 by Francis Bacon, who used a Ouija board to enslave play-writing ghosts.
Listens:
2310
Who:
Core 3
Abrasive personality.
Listens:
201
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh, that felt really good.
Listens:
1039
Who:
Wheatley
Dental floss has superb tensile strength.
Listens:
805
Who:
Core 3
The Enrichment Center will now provide a list of numbers and fruits. Write them down as they will become important later in the experiment. Not the fruits, though. Seven. Avocado. Forty. Please continue into the next test chamber.
Listens:
599
Who:
GLaDOS
Being Caroline taught me another valuable lesson: where Caroline lives in my brain.
Listens:
562
Who:
GLaDOS
Yes, you. Box. Your stuff. Out the front door. Parking lot. Car. Goodbye.
Listens:
7390
Who:
Cave Johnson
Most of them are simply good test subjects.
Listens:
147
Who:
GLaDOS
Hmmm. Hmmmmmm. Hmm. Hmmmmm. Space!
Listens:
1776
Who:
Core 1
Oh, but I just... have made my actual first mistake... by telling you my plan. Just now. Grrr... It's me old Achilles heel again. Armed with that knowledge, I imagine you won't even use the conversion gel. Oh fate! Oh cruel mistress.
Listens:
527
Who:
Wheatley
Oh! Oh! Don't leave me behind! Do pick me up, if you would...
Listens:
222
Who:
Wheatley
Feeds off the misery of others.
Listens:
161
Who:
GLaDOS
Impersonating a stalemate associate. I just added that to the list. It's a list I made of all the things you've done. Well, it's a list that I AM making, because you're still doing things right now, even though I'm telling you to stop. Stop, by the way.
Listens:
886
Who:
GLaDOS
Progress report: Still pretty tricky!
Listens:
155
Who:
Wheatley
If you can get me in front of him, I'll fry every circuit in that little idiot's head.
Listens:
229
Who:
GLaDOS
I'm done.
Listens:
816
Who:
GLaDOS
Still a work in progress, don't judge me yet. Eventually I'd like to get them to sort of shoot fire at you, moments before crushing you. That's what I'm aiming for. But you know, small steps.
Listens:
1207
Who:
Wheatley
I did this! Tiny little Wheatley did this!
Listens:
1192
Who:
Wheatley
Going to space going there can't wait gotta go. Space. Going.
Listens:
1722
Who:
Core 1
What's that behind you? It's only a robot on a bloody stick! A different one!
Listens:
277
Who:
Wheatley
'Yeah? Well this thorn... is about to take you down.' Man, that sounded a whole lot better in my head.
Listens:
667
Who:
Core 2
Target lost
Listens:
2667
Who:
Turret
Shake it off! Shake it off!
Listens:
359
Who:
Core 2
It's like you're just machines.
Listens:
148
Who:
GLaDOS
Alright. Paradox time.
Listens:
891
Who:
GLaDOS
Blue, now you're just being cruel. Blue receives 25 science collaboration points.
Listens:
173
Who:
GLaDOS
Conversion gel. It's dripping out of that pipe there.
Listens:
189
Who:
GLaDOS
00:00 / 00:00
Test Player
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